LOTR, don't own them, you know the drill. Props to Monty Python and Simpsons!
Mary-Sue slaughter, faint of heart and such should probably go find a nice mary-sue fic and read that instead.
Ps. Thanks for the reviews :D
Chapter 4
The girls arrived finally at the cliffs, and found the Fellowship waiting for them at the bottom. They had carried Legolas down, and he was now trying his best to imitate a rock so as not to be seen. After Frodo assured him that he was indeed rock-like enough to fool his pursuers, he had stopped sobbing.
Aragorn stepped forward to confront them.
"Be you man? Or beast? Or some new breed of orc?" Aragorn's eyes lit up at the last question.
"We want Legolas!" Cried the leader.
"I love you Legolas! Fall in love with me for no apparent reason so that you can surrender your immortality for me!" Screamed a random member of the company. "I came all the way to Middle Earth through a plot hole just for you!"
Legolas, forgetting himself, stood up in disgust. "I'm 2931 years old, and I haven't fallen in love yet! What makes you think I'll just suddenly fall in love with you? Besides, with all these hot elf women about, you'd think I would choose one of them." Too late, he realized his mistake. The girls came rushing forward.
"Back! Back I say!" Yelped Aragorn.
"They're Orcs! Orcs bad Aragorn, orcs BAD!" Legolas yelled in desperation. Aragorn brightened visibly.
"Ha HA! I knew you were some new breed of orc!" Aragorn began hacking at the girls almost gleefully, Anduril gleaming like some sort of really highly polished sword of DEATH! Muahahahahaaa-*cough, hack*
Everyone drew their weapons, and much Mary-Sue slaughtering ensued. And there was much rejoicing. Some escaped the delighted wrath of Aragorn, and went straight for Legolas.
"Sign my chest for me!" Cried one, waving a pen and attempting to jump on the elf. Legolas drew back his bow and shot her. But many more replaced her. Another tried to kiss him.
"Gah! Be gone you foul creatures! Go back from whence you came!" But there were too many, and soon Legolas was lost in a sea of drooling, groping, Mary-Sues. All seemed to be lost. Until, shaking off his weed induced stupor, Gandalf raised himself to impressive height and took up his staff.
The ground shook, and dark storm clouds immediately blotted out the sun. Thunder rumbled deeply, shivering off the grabby holds on Legolas. Lightning began to rain upon the masses of Mary-Sues, like... lightning. Those who remained standing, hissed at Gandalf in an unwholesome, feral manner, and retreated for the time being. But not before stealing locks of Legolas' prized hair, and also snatching one of his shoes before he could recover. They passed like shadows into the tall grasses of the Field of Rohan, to regroup and gather strength for the next assault.
Legolas stood up, bewildered and dishevelled, not to mention down one shoe. He sniffled and sat down in the grass and began to sob again.
"Of all the terrible creatures that should follow me, WHY did it have to be Mary-Sues??" He wailed, covering his face with his hands. The hobbits ambled over and attempted to console him.
"It's alright Legolas, at least it isn't a Balrog." Said Frodo encouragingly.
"I'd rather a Balrog than a bunch of hormone driven girls," Sniffed Legolas. "And they took one of my favourite shoes! It took me 283 years to find a pair I liked that were in my size! And my hair!" The elf gripped it. Indeed, a large chunk had been severed, and the rest was somewhat tangled and damaged. Legolas resumed crying.
"There there," Cooed the hobbits, patting him on the back, but he would not be consoled. Eventually, night fell, and they had to set up camp around him. Even after he stopped crying however, he would not sleep. He began rocking back and forth and hugging his knees again, whispering "Can't sleep, girls will get me. Can't sleep, girls will get me..." and glancing around him in a paranoid fashion.
The Fellowship decided to ignore him and went to sleep. It was the worst move they had ever made.
Mary-Sue slaughter, faint of heart and such should probably go find a nice mary-sue fic and read that instead.
Ps. Thanks for the reviews :D
Chapter 4
The girls arrived finally at the cliffs, and found the Fellowship waiting for them at the bottom. They had carried Legolas down, and he was now trying his best to imitate a rock so as not to be seen. After Frodo assured him that he was indeed rock-like enough to fool his pursuers, he had stopped sobbing.
Aragorn stepped forward to confront them.
"Be you man? Or beast? Or some new breed of orc?" Aragorn's eyes lit up at the last question.
"We want Legolas!" Cried the leader.
"I love you Legolas! Fall in love with me for no apparent reason so that you can surrender your immortality for me!" Screamed a random member of the company. "I came all the way to Middle Earth through a plot hole just for you!"
Legolas, forgetting himself, stood up in disgust. "I'm 2931 years old, and I haven't fallen in love yet! What makes you think I'll just suddenly fall in love with you? Besides, with all these hot elf women about, you'd think I would choose one of them." Too late, he realized his mistake. The girls came rushing forward.
"Back! Back I say!" Yelped Aragorn.
"They're Orcs! Orcs bad Aragorn, orcs BAD!" Legolas yelled in desperation. Aragorn brightened visibly.
"Ha HA! I knew you were some new breed of orc!" Aragorn began hacking at the girls almost gleefully, Anduril gleaming like some sort of really highly polished sword of DEATH! Muahahahahaaa-*cough, hack*
Everyone drew their weapons, and much Mary-Sue slaughtering ensued. And there was much rejoicing. Some escaped the delighted wrath of Aragorn, and went straight for Legolas.
"Sign my chest for me!" Cried one, waving a pen and attempting to jump on the elf. Legolas drew back his bow and shot her. But many more replaced her. Another tried to kiss him.
"Gah! Be gone you foul creatures! Go back from whence you came!" But there were too many, and soon Legolas was lost in a sea of drooling, groping, Mary-Sues. All seemed to be lost. Until, shaking off his weed induced stupor, Gandalf raised himself to impressive height and took up his staff.
The ground shook, and dark storm clouds immediately blotted out the sun. Thunder rumbled deeply, shivering off the grabby holds on Legolas. Lightning began to rain upon the masses of Mary-Sues, like... lightning. Those who remained standing, hissed at Gandalf in an unwholesome, feral manner, and retreated for the time being. But not before stealing locks of Legolas' prized hair, and also snatching one of his shoes before he could recover. They passed like shadows into the tall grasses of the Field of Rohan, to regroup and gather strength for the next assault.
Legolas stood up, bewildered and dishevelled, not to mention down one shoe. He sniffled and sat down in the grass and began to sob again.
"Of all the terrible creatures that should follow me, WHY did it have to be Mary-Sues??" He wailed, covering his face with his hands. The hobbits ambled over and attempted to console him.
"It's alright Legolas, at least it isn't a Balrog." Said Frodo encouragingly.
"I'd rather a Balrog than a bunch of hormone driven girls," Sniffed Legolas. "And they took one of my favourite shoes! It took me 283 years to find a pair I liked that were in my size! And my hair!" The elf gripped it. Indeed, a large chunk had been severed, and the rest was somewhat tangled and damaged. Legolas resumed crying.
"There there," Cooed the hobbits, patting him on the back, but he would not be consoled. Eventually, night fell, and they had to set up camp around him. Even after he stopped crying however, he would not sleep. He began rocking back and forth and hugging his knees again, whispering "Can't sleep, girls will get me. Can't sleep, girls will get me..." and glancing around him in a paranoid fashion.
The Fellowship decided to ignore him and went to sleep. It was the worst move they had ever made.