"This is a special report from the 2004 Athens Olympic games. As we all
know, we have all been anxiously awaiting these games as a new and exciting
sport is finally getting it's chance to shine here."
"Right you are, Bob. As you all know, the US team is heavily favored to win the gold in the men's single, doubles, team and relay portions of this sport."
"Well, for the viewing audience who does not know what we are talking about, why don't we explain it to them Jill?"
"Well Bob, this year we will see box stacking at the Olympics. Yes, you heard me right viewing audience, box stacking. The Olympics committee decided to embrace the sport whole heartedly, with box stacking in a small storage room for the short program and box stacking in a moving truck for the long or freestyle part of the competition. And, as I mentioned earlier, there are plenty of opportunities for Gold for us here."
"That's right Jill, and while the other countries that are inferior to us are parading, we will show you numerous profiles of our contenders. These men have become sensations over night, sweeping the world championships and becoming the object of love and affection to millions"
"Oh yes, the captain of the team, Bruce Gordon, has become so popular his posters are flying of the shelf. I myself was lucky to get a hold of one before they sold out"
"Let's get a shot of that poster Jill"
The poster unfurls and reveals a balding middle-aged man with a very definite beer belly.
"This ladies is the man currently captivating all of us"
"Well Jill I can see why, he certainly is quite a hunk"
"You said it Bob. It was really a big thrill to even be in the same room with him."
"Most certainly, he represents the best America has to offer in their athletes. Oh the crappy countries have already passed it's time for us to come in"
"Oh good. This year, we made sure we had professionals for every event, even if we had to kidnap them from other countries, after all, it's not how you win or lose, but how many gold medals we can collect"
"That is so true, after all, we need all that gold to help pay for the deficit"
Both sportscasters laughed in unison, revealing their oh so perfect teeth to the camera.
*********
"We are coming to you live, from Athens, Greece. I couldn't be bothered to find out the name of the arena so we will just call it Olympic arena"
"Well that is certainly a name for it Tom."
"Thank you Tim, I thought of it myself"
"Below we see the various teams warming up. Now first up is the storage room competition, Tim, what are we looking at here?"
"Well, as you can see, they not only have boxes of various sizes but also quite a number of other household items that must be placed into that storage area. Points are given for speed, originality, execution and of course, fit"
"Well Tim, that is something you should be familiar with eh?"
"I wouldn't know, Tom."
"So let me get this straight, the object is to fit a household's worth of goods into that storage area. I don't know, it sounds difficult to me"
"First of it's the individuals competing. The heavy favorite is of course, Bruce Gordon. Bruce was a truck driver for years, so he has the athletic ability, but he has no international experience so we don't know how that will affect him"
"Well I just saw him spit on the floor, belch and then scratch. Does that mean something?"
"Ah that is his signature move. It all counts towards the presentation. The Russians and Germans have trouble with Bruce's flamboyance as they feel that this is serious business indeed"
"Well I do know the Russians don't own much, how would they know what to do"
"I don't really think that is a factor in this competition Tom. Why don't we watch and see. Ok it looks like Bruce is taking the risky move of placing the piano first…let's see how it stacks up. Oh beautiful, just wonderful execution."
"Now I don't understand what I am seeing Tim, can you explain it"
"well Tom, it's so simple a 6 year old watching at home could follow it. He placed the piano in and then put boxes under the piano to maximize space."
"I see"
"I'm sure you do Tom"
******
"Ok we are back at the sports arena as we present the medal ceremony for the individual stacking event. As expected, Bruce Gordon won gold and his teammate, Joe Little is taking home the silver."
"Yes but in a major upset, the Swiss actually won a bronze in this event, something we don't understand. I thought we were the best,"
"Well Jill sometimes the little people can surprise us"
"All to true Bob. Oh it looks like the finally gave the bronze medal to, to, oh why can't these foreigners have easy to pronounce names?"
"Oh who cares, they are giving the silver medal to our athletes now"
"Oh well that's all right then"
****
"We are back to the team event and the Russians are leading after the short program. We don't quite understand why, after all we never lose."
"Yes it is surprising considering we swept the relay and doubles event"
"Wait there is some kind of scuffle happening down there. They are taking something away from the Russians. Let's go to our correspondent on the floor and find out what's going on. Tim, Tom, what's happening?"
"Well I am not sure what's going on Bob, but there seems to be no ice for some reason"
"Tom, you are thinking of the wrong event, this is not figure skating, it's box stacking"
"Oh ok, well we will see that tomorrow then"
"No Tom, that happens in the winter Olympics."
"Oh these aren't the winter Olympics?"
"Excuse us for a second, Jill, Bob"
Sounds of scuffle
"Ok I'm back now"
"Uhm Tim, what happened to Tom?"
"He is indisposed at the moment, seems he tripped over his mike cord"
"Oh, Ok"
"Well it seems they have caught the Russians cheating, they were caught red handed with a portable shrinking machine. It seems they were shrinking some of their own boxes to make the load lighter and easier to carry and stack. There are reports that they also shrank some of the boxes of the American team, which is what caused their load to topple over, injuring the junior member of the team."
"What does this mean for the Americans?"
"Well in an unprecedented move, they are going to disqualify the Russian team, throw out all the scores and then do the long program all over again"
"Why is that Tim?"
"Well, we have more money and nukes than anyone else, you don't really want to cross the good old USA"
"This is true. Ok we will return to you for the final event"
****
"Tim can you describe to us what is happening? Just because we are actually on some undisclosed island in the Caribbean, it does not mean we are not interested, does it Bob?"
"Right Jill, although, I frankly do not care as long as I can keep my hairdo perfect"
"Tim, take us through it"
"Ok this is a replay of the gold medal winning moment by our US team. As you can see, Bruce made a tricky maneuver here; he passes off a large yet light box to his teammate, Johnny who stacks it on the top. In the gap that ensues, Bruce slides in this flat box for a perfect fit. And so we win the gold, which is frankly no surprise to us. Someone please shoot me"
"What was that last thing Tim?"
"Nothing at all Jill, you blonde airhead"
"Hehe well you are right there, Jill is a blonde"
"You are not much better, sponge for brains. Back to you in the studio"
"Thanks to Tim for that report. And now, we take you back to the special Playboy Playmates edition of let's get naked for ratings, since at the moment, only boring countries and sports are competing."
"Right you are, Bob. As you all know, the US team is heavily favored to win the gold in the men's single, doubles, team and relay portions of this sport."
"Well, for the viewing audience who does not know what we are talking about, why don't we explain it to them Jill?"
"Well Bob, this year we will see box stacking at the Olympics. Yes, you heard me right viewing audience, box stacking. The Olympics committee decided to embrace the sport whole heartedly, with box stacking in a small storage room for the short program and box stacking in a moving truck for the long or freestyle part of the competition. And, as I mentioned earlier, there are plenty of opportunities for Gold for us here."
"That's right Jill, and while the other countries that are inferior to us are parading, we will show you numerous profiles of our contenders. These men have become sensations over night, sweeping the world championships and becoming the object of love and affection to millions"
"Oh yes, the captain of the team, Bruce Gordon, has become so popular his posters are flying of the shelf. I myself was lucky to get a hold of one before they sold out"
"Let's get a shot of that poster Jill"
The poster unfurls and reveals a balding middle-aged man with a very definite beer belly.
"This ladies is the man currently captivating all of us"
"Well Jill I can see why, he certainly is quite a hunk"
"You said it Bob. It was really a big thrill to even be in the same room with him."
"Most certainly, he represents the best America has to offer in their athletes. Oh the crappy countries have already passed it's time for us to come in"
"Oh good. This year, we made sure we had professionals for every event, even if we had to kidnap them from other countries, after all, it's not how you win or lose, but how many gold medals we can collect"
"That is so true, after all, we need all that gold to help pay for the deficit"
Both sportscasters laughed in unison, revealing their oh so perfect teeth to the camera.
*********
"We are coming to you live, from Athens, Greece. I couldn't be bothered to find out the name of the arena so we will just call it Olympic arena"
"Well that is certainly a name for it Tom."
"Thank you Tim, I thought of it myself"
"Below we see the various teams warming up. Now first up is the storage room competition, Tim, what are we looking at here?"
"Well, as you can see, they not only have boxes of various sizes but also quite a number of other household items that must be placed into that storage area. Points are given for speed, originality, execution and of course, fit"
"Well Tim, that is something you should be familiar with eh?"
"I wouldn't know, Tom."
"So let me get this straight, the object is to fit a household's worth of goods into that storage area. I don't know, it sounds difficult to me"
"First of it's the individuals competing. The heavy favorite is of course, Bruce Gordon. Bruce was a truck driver for years, so he has the athletic ability, but he has no international experience so we don't know how that will affect him"
"Well I just saw him spit on the floor, belch and then scratch. Does that mean something?"
"Ah that is his signature move. It all counts towards the presentation. The Russians and Germans have trouble with Bruce's flamboyance as they feel that this is serious business indeed"
"Well I do know the Russians don't own much, how would they know what to do"
"I don't really think that is a factor in this competition Tom. Why don't we watch and see. Ok it looks like Bruce is taking the risky move of placing the piano first…let's see how it stacks up. Oh beautiful, just wonderful execution."
"Now I don't understand what I am seeing Tim, can you explain it"
"well Tom, it's so simple a 6 year old watching at home could follow it. He placed the piano in and then put boxes under the piano to maximize space."
"I see"
"I'm sure you do Tom"
******
"Ok we are back at the sports arena as we present the medal ceremony for the individual stacking event. As expected, Bruce Gordon won gold and his teammate, Joe Little is taking home the silver."
"Yes but in a major upset, the Swiss actually won a bronze in this event, something we don't understand. I thought we were the best,"
"Well Jill sometimes the little people can surprise us"
"All to true Bob. Oh it looks like the finally gave the bronze medal to, to, oh why can't these foreigners have easy to pronounce names?"
"Oh who cares, they are giving the silver medal to our athletes now"
"Oh well that's all right then"
****
"We are back to the team event and the Russians are leading after the short program. We don't quite understand why, after all we never lose."
"Yes it is surprising considering we swept the relay and doubles event"
"Wait there is some kind of scuffle happening down there. They are taking something away from the Russians. Let's go to our correspondent on the floor and find out what's going on. Tim, Tom, what's happening?"
"Well I am not sure what's going on Bob, but there seems to be no ice for some reason"
"Tom, you are thinking of the wrong event, this is not figure skating, it's box stacking"
"Oh ok, well we will see that tomorrow then"
"No Tom, that happens in the winter Olympics."
"Oh these aren't the winter Olympics?"
"Excuse us for a second, Jill, Bob"
Sounds of scuffle
"Ok I'm back now"
"Uhm Tim, what happened to Tom?"
"He is indisposed at the moment, seems he tripped over his mike cord"
"Oh, Ok"
"Well it seems they have caught the Russians cheating, they were caught red handed with a portable shrinking machine. It seems they were shrinking some of their own boxes to make the load lighter and easier to carry and stack. There are reports that they also shrank some of the boxes of the American team, which is what caused their load to topple over, injuring the junior member of the team."
"What does this mean for the Americans?"
"Well in an unprecedented move, they are going to disqualify the Russian team, throw out all the scores and then do the long program all over again"
"Why is that Tim?"
"Well, we have more money and nukes than anyone else, you don't really want to cross the good old USA"
"This is true. Ok we will return to you for the final event"
****
"Tim can you describe to us what is happening? Just because we are actually on some undisclosed island in the Caribbean, it does not mean we are not interested, does it Bob?"
"Right Jill, although, I frankly do not care as long as I can keep my hairdo perfect"
"Tim, take us through it"
"Ok this is a replay of the gold medal winning moment by our US team. As you can see, Bruce made a tricky maneuver here; he passes off a large yet light box to his teammate, Johnny who stacks it on the top. In the gap that ensues, Bruce slides in this flat box for a perfect fit. And so we win the gold, which is frankly no surprise to us. Someone please shoot me"
"What was that last thing Tim?"
"Nothing at all Jill, you blonde airhead"
"Hehe well you are right there, Jill is a blonde"
"You are not much better, sponge for brains. Back to you in the studio"
"Thanks to Tim for that report. And now, we take you back to the special Playboy Playmates edition of let's get naked for ratings, since at the moment, only boring countries and sports are competing."