A/N Thanks to all you lovely people who've reviewed so far! Hope you like
the next part
Chapter Four
So the Fellowship's setting out into danger and darkness etc. singing crude songs about nuns. They walked in line along a snowy path: Gandalf the Gay in front, being Mr. Well-ard Leader Wizard; Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Someone Else son of Aramis son of Zooble and so on a so forth till we eventually get to Isildur, walked a few paces behind him. The hobbits spent most of their time falling into snowdrifts and being carried by larger members of the company; Frodo was beginning to look less innocent and frolicky and more glum and brooding, sort of like an Aragorn Mini-Me. Gimli also fell into snowdrifts but refused assistance on the grounds that 'no one carries a dwarf' so they just let him get on with it.
Borormir walked behind Frodo and admired his ring. Halfway up the mountain Frodo fell unexpectedly upon his little hobbit arse, inexplicably managing to drop the all-important ring of power, resulting in a three-day search in the snow. The ring was, inevitably, found by Boromir who tried to nick it; he was scolded by Aragorn and burst into tears. He will spend the rest of the parody sulking.
So the Fellowship was sitting around on some rocks having breakfast when suddenly a big flock of birdies flew towards them.
"Run away!" Screamed Aragorn. "Hide!" So the nine, chosen representatives of their respective races and supposed hard bastards, hid under some rocks like girls while the birds flew past.
"The budgerigars of Saruman!" Whispered Gandalf.
"Huh?" Said everyone.
"Oh, did I forget to say? He's gone evil. He's working for Sauron now, as a lumberjack-cum-genetic engineer."
Meanwhile in the shadow of a spooky great tower Saruman was watching a load of ugly gits pulling up trees and singing 'I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK…'.
"Oh right." Said the Fellowship.
So they battled on through the snow, carrying hobbits to and fro, occasionally getting buried, freezing half to death etc. for some considerable time, until Gandalf realised he was being stupid and Gimli was right after all: they should go to the mines of Moria. Never mind that they would probably meet their deaths. They followed Gandalf cheerfully enough to a large door set in rock with some writing in ancient Bollocks upon it.
"Great, they're shut." Said Boromir the Pessimistic. "What now?" Gandalf, berating the man of the South for being a dick, informed him that he had entered via a different route last time, something like the car park at Merry Hill. Boromir rightly thought this to be something of a cop out. Gandalf sat on a rock for a long time, trying to figure out the password, until realising that the writing was a riddle all along: all h had to do was say the Bollocks word for 'friend' and they could get in. Isn't he clever?
"Harry Potter could've worked that one out." Grumbled Merry and Pippin, because they wanted some lines. Then of course Frodo had to get pointlessly attacked by a large sea creature – all Boromir's fault again. But they rescued him and went inside the mines.
It looked like a game of Dungeons and Dragons, but never mind. It was very spooky and unpleasant and stinky, but the brave fellowship toiled on.
Gimli was becoming increasingly confused by the bodies of his people littering the floor, pierced with goblin arrows.
"Hmm." He said thoughtfully. "Some party they've been having." Of course once they reached the tomb of his cousin Balin, he realised the truth, and had a complete hysterical fit, while Gandalf did a spot of reading and some drums went 'doom!' 'doom!' in a very atmospheric and prophetic way.
Pippin being stupid managed to drop a skeleton down a well and thus alerted the enemy to the Fellowship's presence. Aragorn obeyed his natural royal instincts by screaming
"Run away!" But it was too late…
A tremendous noise could be heard from outside, and Boromir the Brave-But- Thick decided to open it; an enormous ugly looking thing with a club was lurking dangerously outside. Boromir slammed the door and flung himself against it.
"Whatthefuckisit?" He shrieked. And opened the door for another look. "They have a cave troll." He announced more recognisably, and the Fellowship verily shit themselves. A moment later the big ugly troll came charging through the door, and everyone, realising the futility of running away this time, began to hack at it with all the weapons they could find – for most of them this meant swords and axes, but Legolas struck the killing blow: he smacked the troll across the head with his handbag, and it fell dead.
"Thank Christ for that." Muttered Aragorn, coming out from under Balin's corpse, where he had been hiding. "What now?"
"Run away!" Shrieked everyone. And so they did.
After going a short distance however more scary noises and lots of big flamey things started emerging from the mines, and the Fellowship shit themselves once again.
"Whatthefuckisit?" Boromir asked Gandalf.
"There are more terrible things in these mines than orcs." Replied the wizard darkly – and he was right.
"Ai! Ai!" Screamed Legolas. "Tolkien fans! Tolkien fans have come!" And indeed a grim looking bunch of people could be seen approaching, carrying books and babbling in Bollocks about inaccuracies in the movie.
"Shit!" Cried the Fellowship, and without prompting from Gandalf began to run away.
They soon came to a broken bridge, threw the hobbits across it, and made to chuck Gimli over as well. At once he uttered the only good line he got in the film:
"No one tosses a dwarf!" And leaped across himself; Legolas tried to drag him to safety by the beard, all the while with Gimli complaining,
"No one rescues a dwarf from a hideous fate worse than death!" But they did.
They came to the exit; Gandalf, telling everyone to run away, stood facing the seething mass of Tolkien fans alone. Forgetting himself Aragorn shouted, "Elendil!" And ran back to him. Almost immediately he realised that this was a stupid thing to do and crying "run away!" abandoned Gandalf to his fate. The last thing the Fellowship saw was Gandalf plummeting many feet into darkness, with Tolkien fans on all sides.
"Shit, Gandalf's dead." Said the Fellowship when they finally stopped running some hours later. "What now?" Aragorn frowned broodingly, trying to look hard.
"I will lead you." He said.
"Oh Christ we're done for." Said everyone else.
"At least," said Legolas, "we must be close to Mordor by now. We've travelled many miles. How far have we come, Aragorn?" Aragorn pulled out a Patent Pop-up map of Middle Earth and studied it.
"We're travelled about five hundred miles." He replied. "Not bad."
"So where are we now?" Asked Frodo. Aragorn frowned and reconsulted the map; he began to do complicated calculations on a scrap of paper. Eventually he looked up.
"Well, taking into account all the running away, we're approximately…" he clicked his tongue, "a hundred yards from where we started." And indeed looking behind them the Fellowship could see Elrond waving to them from his doorstep.
"Get a move on, you cowardly bastards!" He shouted. "This film's long enough already!"
"He's right." Said Frodo. "Maybe we really should think about going to Mordor…"
And so they did.
Chapter Four
So the Fellowship's setting out into danger and darkness etc. singing crude songs about nuns. They walked in line along a snowy path: Gandalf the Gay in front, being Mr. Well-ard Leader Wizard; Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Someone Else son of Aramis son of Zooble and so on a so forth till we eventually get to Isildur, walked a few paces behind him. The hobbits spent most of their time falling into snowdrifts and being carried by larger members of the company; Frodo was beginning to look less innocent and frolicky and more glum and brooding, sort of like an Aragorn Mini-Me. Gimli also fell into snowdrifts but refused assistance on the grounds that 'no one carries a dwarf' so they just let him get on with it.
Borormir walked behind Frodo and admired his ring. Halfway up the mountain Frodo fell unexpectedly upon his little hobbit arse, inexplicably managing to drop the all-important ring of power, resulting in a three-day search in the snow. The ring was, inevitably, found by Boromir who tried to nick it; he was scolded by Aragorn and burst into tears. He will spend the rest of the parody sulking.
So the Fellowship was sitting around on some rocks having breakfast when suddenly a big flock of birdies flew towards them.
"Run away!" Screamed Aragorn. "Hide!" So the nine, chosen representatives of their respective races and supposed hard bastards, hid under some rocks like girls while the birds flew past.
"The budgerigars of Saruman!" Whispered Gandalf.
"Huh?" Said everyone.
"Oh, did I forget to say? He's gone evil. He's working for Sauron now, as a lumberjack-cum-genetic engineer."
Meanwhile in the shadow of a spooky great tower Saruman was watching a load of ugly gits pulling up trees and singing 'I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK…'.
"Oh right." Said the Fellowship.
So they battled on through the snow, carrying hobbits to and fro, occasionally getting buried, freezing half to death etc. for some considerable time, until Gandalf realised he was being stupid and Gimli was right after all: they should go to the mines of Moria. Never mind that they would probably meet their deaths. They followed Gandalf cheerfully enough to a large door set in rock with some writing in ancient Bollocks upon it.
"Great, they're shut." Said Boromir the Pessimistic. "What now?" Gandalf, berating the man of the South for being a dick, informed him that he had entered via a different route last time, something like the car park at Merry Hill. Boromir rightly thought this to be something of a cop out. Gandalf sat on a rock for a long time, trying to figure out the password, until realising that the writing was a riddle all along: all h had to do was say the Bollocks word for 'friend' and they could get in. Isn't he clever?
"Harry Potter could've worked that one out." Grumbled Merry and Pippin, because they wanted some lines. Then of course Frodo had to get pointlessly attacked by a large sea creature – all Boromir's fault again. But they rescued him and went inside the mines.
It looked like a game of Dungeons and Dragons, but never mind. It was very spooky and unpleasant and stinky, but the brave fellowship toiled on.
Gimli was becoming increasingly confused by the bodies of his people littering the floor, pierced with goblin arrows.
"Hmm." He said thoughtfully. "Some party they've been having." Of course once they reached the tomb of his cousin Balin, he realised the truth, and had a complete hysterical fit, while Gandalf did a spot of reading and some drums went 'doom!' 'doom!' in a very atmospheric and prophetic way.
Pippin being stupid managed to drop a skeleton down a well and thus alerted the enemy to the Fellowship's presence. Aragorn obeyed his natural royal instincts by screaming
"Run away!" But it was too late…
A tremendous noise could be heard from outside, and Boromir the Brave-But- Thick decided to open it; an enormous ugly looking thing with a club was lurking dangerously outside. Boromir slammed the door and flung himself against it.
"Whatthefuckisit?" He shrieked. And opened the door for another look. "They have a cave troll." He announced more recognisably, and the Fellowship verily shit themselves. A moment later the big ugly troll came charging through the door, and everyone, realising the futility of running away this time, began to hack at it with all the weapons they could find – for most of them this meant swords and axes, but Legolas struck the killing blow: he smacked the troll across the head with his handbag, and it fell dead.
"Thank Christ for that." Muttered Aragorn, coming out from under Balin's corpse, where he had been hiding. "What now?"
"Run away!" Shrieked everyone. And so they did.
After going a short distance however more scary noises and lots of big flamey things started emerging from the mines, and the Fellowship shit themselves once again.
"Whatthefuckisit?" Boromir asked Gandalf.
"There are more terrible things in these mines than orcs." Replied the wizard darkly – and he was right.
"Ai! Ai!" Screamed Legolas. "Tolkien fans! Tolkien fans have come!" And indeed a grim looking bunch of people could be seen approaching, carrying books and babbling in Bollocks about inaccuracies in the movie.
"Shit!" Cried the Fellowship, and without prompting from Gandalf began to run away.
They soon came to a broken bridge, threw the hobbits across it, and made to chuck Gimli over as well. At once he uttered the only good line he got in the film:
"No one tosses a dwarf!" And leaped across himself; Legolas tried to drag him to safety by the beard, all the while with Gimli complaining,
"No one rescues a dwarf from a hideous fate worse than death!" But they did.
They came to the exit; Gandalf, telling everyone to run away, stood facing the seething mass of Tolkien fans alone. Forgetting himself Aragorn shouted, "Elendil!" And ran back to him. Almost immediately he realised that this was a stupid thing to do and crying "run away!" abandoned Gandalf to his fate. The last thing the Fellowship saw was Gandalf plummeting many feet into darkness, with Tolkien fans on all sides.
"Shit, Gandalf's dead." Said the Fellowship when they finally stopped running some hours later. "What now?" Aragorn frowned broodingly, trying to look hard.
"I will lead you." He said.
"Oh Christ we're done for." Said everyone else.
"At least," said Legolas, "we must be close to Mordor by now. We've travelled many miles. How far have we come, Aragorn?" Aragorn pulled out a Patent Pop-up map of Middle Earth and studied it.
"We're travelled about five hundred miles." He replied. "Not bad."
"So where are we now?" Asked Frodo. Aragorn frowned and reconsulted the map; he began to do complicated calculations on a scrap of paper. Eventually he looked up.
"Well, taking into account all the running away, we're approximately…" he clicked his tongue, "a hundred yards from where we started." And indeed looking behind them the Fellowship could see Elrond waving to them from his doorstep.
"Get a move on, you cowardly bastards!" He shouted. "This film's long enough already!"
"He's right." Said Frodo. "Maybe we really should think about going to Mordor…"
And so they did.