So there's this elf-infested forest…
So the Fellowship went to Lothlorien, feeling really depressed and no longer singing crude songs. Pippin and Merry tried to cheer everyone up with an old sea-shanty:
It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ you should have seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast was a rampant penis*
But no one was very interested, and so they gave up when they got to the captain's wife Mabel ('to fuck she wasn't able').
"So this is a big elfy forest." Said Frodo. "Wow."
"You're getting very jaded and cynical, Frodo." Remarked Aragorn. "Watch it, you'll end up like me, a lone Ranger."
"Look at the beauty of the woods and scent the delightful smell of perfume in the air." Warbled Legolas. "The prettiest of my people live here, and they're all available."
"Woo-hoo." Muttered the cynical and jaded Frodo. "Like I'm interested in elves." Sam looked pleased.
"Bloody elves." Muttered Gimli. "Effeminate bastards." He was quite right and not made to eat his words at all, because at that moment an elf who looked remarkably like Julian Clary emerged from trees, waving a long bow. Legolas ran to him and they proceeded to kiss each other on both cheeks.
"Darling! Haven't seen you for simply ages!"
"You look divine, my dear! Your cellulite has cleared up wonderfully."
"And I love the hair, what have you done to it? Is that Timotei?"
"Why yes, it is."
This went on for some considerable time. The Fellowship followed the elves slowly through the wood. Eventually they were taken to a clearing and told to wait for the Queen.
"Here she comes!" Exclaimed Aragorn. "Galadriel, elf witch, queen of the wood." A tall woman with startling blonde hair drifted mistily down some dodgy looking marble stairs.
"Galaddriel?" repeated Boromir looking confused. "That's not Galadriel…that's Lily Savage!" He was right. The elf witch addressed them in a deep bass with a Liverpool accent.
"'Ow are yer? Welcome to Lothlorien, 'ello sexy." She added to Aragorn. "You've come a long way, 'aven't yer? Well. Where's old Gandy then? I wanted a bit of a chat with 'im."
"Gandalf the Gay fell off a bridge in the mines of Moria." Said Aragorn sadly.
"Well, that's a bugger, isn't it?" Replied the elf witch. "Ah well." She peered intently at each of the Fellowship in turn, obviously eyeing them up, then spoke to each telepathically.
All right, Strider, you scruffy bleeder? Don't worry, as long as you don't bollocks up the quest you'll be King once again. You, you shall be King. And I, I will be Queen. And we shall be heroes, we shall be heroes, just for one day**
"Thanks very much." Said Aragorn.
And you, fellow elf. You really ought to try Loreal, y'know. Because you're worth it.
"Ooh, I know." Said Legolas.
Now, Gimli, son of Groin, shortarse with a big axe. Don't like us elves do yer? Well then, you'll end of shagging Legolas so there
"Urgh." Said Gimli son of Groin.
And as for you, sexy…I know what you're after. You're after Frodo's ring, aren't you, Boromir? Well, I can get it for you if you want. And your old man and that city you keep making long speeches about will be great once more. By the way 'ere's me phone number, give us a ring after the show
Boromir started sniffling again.
And little Meriadoc Brandybuck and little Peregrin Took…some day you will form a society, the ERGH society, Equal Rights for Gay Hobbits. And guess who your president will be?
"Who?"
Samwise Gamgee.
"Yes, Mrs. Elf?"
Sam, you will some day get your 'ands on Frodo's ring. Only for a bit mind. Sam began to look very excited.
But then he'll bugger off again and you'll have to get married. But some day, you will come out of the closet…but that's in the x-rated version.
"Ooh-er!" Said Sam.
And the ring-bearer…Frodo son of Drogo, son of Dingo, son of Modo, son of Blee-eekbardigratmabberly the fourth…
"Eh? Sorry, I wasn't listening. Have you seen my eyes? They're enormous aren't they?"
very. Now shut your gob and listen. You will go forth to Mordor and do exciting things with Samwise. You will make writers of slash fiction on the internet exceedingly happy . You will stare into my deep moist one
"Eh?" Said Frodo. "Oh, ok."
not that you pervy little git. I mean my mirror. And see horrors beyond your wildest imaginings, so there. But don't worry. Everything will be fine. This is a kid's film after all.
Then they went off for a bit of a kip. Some elves started singing in Bollocks.
"What's that?" Asked Merry.
"A Lament for Gandalf." Replied Legolas.
"What do they say about him?" Asked Pippin.
"I cannot tell you." The elf said.
"Why?"
"Because it's bloody awful." Said Legolas.
What they were actually singing is this:
Lament for Gandalf (the Gay)
Poor old Gandalf
Grey of head
Fell off a bridge
And now he's dead
Oh dear
Now then." Said Elf Lily Savage, when they got up the next morning. "I've got a present for you all." She gave Aragorn a bit of sellotape to mend his sword; thus it was forged anew, and he gave it a new name, 'Roger'. Boromir got a new handkerchief (containing Lily's mobile number and a strawberry-flavoured condom), Legolas got an aromatherapy bath set, Gimli got a kick up the arse for being a dwarf. Pippin and Merry got a big bag of 'scran'. Frodo got a lightbulb. And Sam got some dirt, with which he seemed bizarrely happy.
"Thanks very much." Said everyone. Then they buggered off in long boats to meet their fate, Legolas complaining for reasons no one understood that he was scared of the sea, and vomiting over the rest of the Fellowship as they sailed along the river. Off course the hobbits didn't do any rowing for themselves, because they're useless.
* A/N The little song is from a traditional…ahem…piece called 'Friggin in the Riggin' as immortalised by the Sex Pistols on their album 'The Great Rock N' Roll Swindle'.
** A/N David Bowie, 'Heroes'.
So the Fellowship went to Lothlorien, feeling really depressed and no longer singing crude songs. Pippin and Merry tried to cheer everyone up with an old sea-shanty:
It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ you should have seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast was a rampant penis*
But no one was very interested, and so they gave up when they got to the captain's wife Mabel ('to fuck she wasn't able').
"So this is a big elfy forest." Said Frodo. "Wow."
"You're getting very jaded and cynical, Frodo." Remarked Aragorn. "Watch it, you'll end up like me, a lone Ranger."
"Look at the beauty of the woods and scent the delightful smell of perfume in the air." Warbled Legolas. "The prettiest of my people live here, and they're all available."
"Woo-hoo." Muttered the cynical and jaded Frodo. "Like I'm interested in elves." Sam looked pleased.
"Bloody elves." Muttered Gimli. "Effeminate bastards." He was quite right and not made to eat his words at all, because at that moment an elf who looked remarkably like Julian Clary emerged from trees, waving a long bow. Legolas ran to him and they proceeded to kiss each other on both cheeks.
"Darling! Haven't seen you for simply ages!"
"You look divine, my dear! Your cellulite has cleared up wonderfully."
"And I love the hair, what have you done to it? Is that Timotei?"
"Why yes, it is."
This went on for some considerable time. The Fellowship followed the elves slowly through the wood. Eventually they were taken to a clearing and told to wait for the Queen.
"Here she comes!" Exclaimed Aragorn. "Galadriel, elf witch, queen of the wood." A tall woman with startling blonde hair drifted mistily down some dodgy looking marble stairs.
"Galaddriel?" repeated Boromir looking confused. "That's not Galadriel…that's Lily Savage!" He was right. The elf witch addressed them in a deep bass with a Liverpool accent.
"'Ow are yer? Welcome to Lothlorien, 'ello sexy." She added to Aragorn. "You've come a long way, 'aven't yer? Well. Where's old Gandy then? I wanted a bit of a chat with 'im."
"Gandalf the Gay fell off a bridge in the mines of Moria." Said Aragorn sadly.
"Well, that's a bugger, isn't it?" Replied the elf witch. "Ah well." She peered intently at each of the Fellowship in turn, obviously eyeing them up, then spoke to each telepathically.
All right, Strider, you scruffy bleeder? Don't worry, as long as you don't bollocks up the quest you'll be King once again. You, you shall be King. And I, I will be Queen. And we shall be heroes, we shall be heroes, just for one day**
"Thanks very much." Said Aragorn.
And you, fellow elf. You really ought to try Loreal, y'know. Because you're worth it.
"Ooh, I know." Said Legolas.
Now, Gimli, son of Groin, shortarse with a big axe. Don't like us elves do yer? Well then, you'll end of shagging Legolas so there
"Urgh." Said Gimli son of Groin.
And as for you, sexy…I know what you're after. You're after Frodo's ring, aren't you, Boromir? Well, I can get it for you if you want. And your old man and that city you keep making long speeches about will be great once more. By the way 'ere's me phone number, give us a ring after the show
Boromir started sniffling again.
And little Meriadoc Brandybuck and little Peregrin Took…some day you will form a society, the ERGH society, Equal Rights for Gay Hobbits. And guess who your president will be?
"Who?"
Samwise Gamgee.
"Yes, Mrs. Elf?"
Sam, you will some day get your 'ands on Frodo's ring. Only for a bit mind. Sam began to look very excited.
But then he'll bugger off again and you'll have to get married. But some day, you will come out of the closet…but that's in the x-rated version.
"Ooh-er!" Said Sam.
And the ring-bearer…Frodo son of Drogo, son of Dingo, son of Modo, son of Blee-eekbardigratmabberly the fourth…
"Eh? Sorry, I wasn't listening. Have you seen my eyes? They're enormous aren't they?"
very. Now shut your gob and listen. You will go forth to Mordor and do exciting things with Samwise. You will make writers of slash fiction on the internet exceedingly happy . You will stare into my deep moist one
"Eh?" Said Frodo. "Oh, ok."
not that you pervy little git. I mean my mirror. And see horrors beyond your wildest imaginings, so there. But don't worry. Everything will be fine. This is a kid's film after all.
Then they went off for a bit of a kip. Some elves started singing in Bollocks.
"What's that?" Asked Merry.
"A Lament for Gandalf." Replied Legolas.
"What do they say about him?" Asked Pippin.
"I cannot tell you." The elf said.
"Why?"
"Because it's bloody awful." Said Legolas.
What they were actually singing is this:
Lament for Gandalf (the Gay)
Poor old Gandalf
Grey of head
Fell off a bridge
And now he's dead
Oh dear
Now then." Said Elf Lily Savage, when they got up the next morning. "I've got a present for you all." She gave Aragorn a bit of sellotape to mend his sword; thus it was forged anew, and he gave it a new name, 'Roger'. Boromir got a new handkerchief (containing Lily's mobile number and a strawberry-flavoured condom), Legolas got an aromatherapy bath set, Gimli got a kick up the arse for being a dwarf. Pippin and Merry got a big bag of 'scran'. Frodo got a lightbulb. And Sam got some dirt, with which he seemed bizarrely happy.
"Thanks very much." Said everyone. Then they buggered off in long boats to meet their fate, Legolas complaining for reasons no one understood that he was scared of the sea, and vomiting over the rest of the Fellowship as they sailed along the river. Off course the hobbits didn't do any rowing for themselves, because they're useless.
* A/N The little song is from a traditional…ahem…piece called 'Friggin in the Riggin' as immortalised by the Sex Pistols on their album 'The Great Rock N' Roll Swindle'.
** A/N David Bowie, 'Heroes'.