Author's Notes: Yes, this is a real assignment. Yes, I am really turning it in. It's a project for Classical Civilizations, in which I'm supposed to write a series of diary entries from the POV of someone in Alexander the Great's army. Naturally, once it entered my mind it got a bit twisted, producing this.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except a pack of rabid time-travelling squirrels.
Extra Note: I've kept the battles and the route as historically accurate as I possible could. I actually researched! Italics are the diary entries, and are separated from the main text. Narration of actions are in things.
Time Travelling for Fun and Profit
In a random room of Hyrule castle…
Chaos is apparently working on a telephone booth
Chaos: There! Hmm, maybe a few more wheels…
Link: walking in Hi Chaos, what's- WHAT'S THAT?!
Chaos: No need to shout.
Ganon: from kitchen What's what that's not needed to shout about? walks in Or something to that effect.
Link: Or something…
the telephone booth has the Master Sword sticking out of the top, and has several hamster exercise wheels stuck in and around it
Chaos: It's a Time Machine! Isn't it great?
Link: Why is my sword stuck to the top of it?
Ganon: And what's with the wheels?
Chaos: The Master sword is like an antenna, and the wheels are for the squirrels.
Link: Squirrels…? Oh, no…!
Chaos: Yep. narrating And so, I call upon my army of rabid, time-travelling squirrels…
opening a time vortex in the wall, the squirrels scamper out and take their places in the exercise wheels
Chaos: Ok, got the booth, got the squirrels…now I just need Dark.
Ganon: What's he got to do with this?
Chaos: narrating Dark Link appeared, along with the equipment I set up in the Narrate-a-Verse earlier…
Dark: Huh? Oh no…Chaos, what twisted scheme have you plotted now?
Link: "…twisted scheme…?"
Ganon: Methinks he's been reading a few too many mystery books.
Chaos: There's nothing twist- ok, so maybe it is a bit twisted, but…
Link: What's with the armor? gestures to the heap of armor, swords, and other medieval-type things
Chaos: We're going back in time.
Dark: What for?
Link: Ooh! The Kennedy Assassination?
Ganon: Setting me up as king of Hyrule?
Dark: Preventing the corporate takeover of Microsoft?
Chaos: No, no, and no. I've got a homework assignment I have to do.
Pause.
Dark: We're going back in time for that?! Hold on…WE?!
Chaos: Yep. Suit up, guys! We're about to become soldiers in the army of Alexander the Great!
Link: …why?
Chaos: I'm supposed to do some diary entries from the point of view of a soldier in Alexander's army.
Ganon: So you're dragging us back in time to do this?
Chaos: Yep.
Ganon: You take everything way too literally.
Chaos: I know. Let's go! Hey, that rhymed!
there is a collective sigh
5 minutes later.
all four are decked out in armor, and equipped with swords, etc.
Link: You do know that women weren't allowed as soldiers, right?
Dark: And I'm sure that green skinned people and pointy-eared people weren't either.
Chaos: I know. That's what Author Powers are for! narrating And so, our quartet were given the illusion of being normal, male soldiers…
Another pause.
Ganon: Was something supposed to happen? 'Cause I'm still green and Linky here is still wearing a skirt…
Link: Hey! It's a tunic, ok? T-U-N-I-C!
Chaos: It's simple. To ourselves, we're normal. To everyone else, we're normal.
Dark: Everyone who understood that, raise your hands.
the squirrels raise their paws
Dark: Not you!
Chaos: Let's just go!
all four of them try to squeeze into the Telephone Booth of Time
Dark: Ow! Link, your ears are poking me in the eye!
Link: So? Your elbows are crushing my ribs!
Chaos: Who's stepping on my feet?
Dark: You're stepping on your own feet, Chaos.
Chaos: Oh.
Ganon: Hehehe! Chaos! Your squirrels gigglegigglesnort are tickling me!
Dark: Why couldn't you have used a Dolorian, like everyone else?
Chaos: Because I'm special!
Link: You can say that again…
Chaos: Squirrels! To the past!
Everyone: Ahhhhhhhh!
there is a flash of light, and the Telephone Booth of Time, powered by rabid, time-travelling squirrels, gets sucked into a time vortex
334 B.C, near Pella, Macedonia
it's quiet, with crickets chirping, and the faint, far-off chattering of...squirrels...
Everyone: AAAAAHHHHHHH!
flash of light, etc. The Telephone Booth of Time appears
Dark: Woah!
Link: That's the last time I fly coach...
Ganon: Can we get out of this booth now?
Chaos: Yes. tries to open the door
Pause.
Ganon: It's locked, isn't it?
Chaos: Yes.
Dark: From the outside, isn't it?
Chaos: Yes.
Link: Wonderful.
Chaos: Never fear! Squirrels!
the squirrels unlock the door, then scamper off to times unknown
Ganon: Hey! How are we supposed to get back!
Chaos: I can call them.
Link: Won't they get hunted, or lost, or something?
Chaos: The squirrels can take care of themselves. Now let's get out of this booth!
after a few minuets of struggling, all four pop out like a cork from a bottle
POP!
Ganon: Ow!
Link: Ouchies...
Dark: That...hurt...
Chaos: I...agree...but we made it! We're in the past!
Link: Fine. Can we go home now?
Chaos: No.
All guys: Awwww...
Chaos: Come on! We still have to find the army, and then do my homework.
Ganon: And how long will that take?
Caos: Not long. No more than, say...5 years...
Link: 5 YEARS?!
Chaos: Relax. We're in a time bubble, anyway.
Dark: A what?
Ganon: Time bubble. Weren't you listening?
Dark: Yes. But what is a time bubble?
Chaos: It means time has no meaning for us.
Link: Do I dare ask?
Chaos: No. As soon as we find the army, we can just float through time until we get to the good parts!
Guys: Oh.
Link: That makes things much easier, doesn't it?
Dark: Have you thought that if someone sees the Telephone Booth of Time, it would be bad?
Chaos: ...yeah, it would be.
Link: So how do we hide it?
Dark: And better yet, how do we get back to it at the end of the war?
Silence.
Chaos: Link...you do have that Dimensional Pocket, right...?
Link: Yeah, wh- oh. Oh no, you're not going to try and stuff that thing into my Dimensional Pocket!
Chaos: Yes, we are.
there is a brief scuffle as Chaos, Dark, and Ganon all try to stuff the booth into Link's tunic
Link: Stop that! Hey, don't- Ganon, give me back my boots!
5 minutes later.
the booth is safely inside Link's Dimensional Pocket
Ganon: So where's this army...?
roughly a swallow's flight away, a huge army camp has been set up
Link: looking around I don't see anything...Dark?
Dark: Nope. Ganon?
Ganon: Nuh-uh. Chaos?
Chaos: looking at the army I can't believe you guys missed that. Let's go...
Roughly an hour later...
standing outside of one of the general's tents
Ganon: And how exactly are we going to pull this off?
Chaos: Leave it to me! I'm an Author, remember?
Guys: So?
Chaos: Grrr...
the general walks out of the tent
General: I am Antigonus, general of the armies of Alexander the Great! Who are you, and why have you come?
Silence.
Chaos: Um, I am...Chaos!
Dark: I am Dark!
Ganon: My name is Ganon.
Link: I am called Link.
Antigonus: What strange names you claim...why are you here?
Chaos: Uh, we...we want to serve in the army!
Antigonus: ...What?
Dark: We, um, heard how great this army is, and uh...
Ganon: ...we wanted to fight for the great Alexander!
Link: What they said.
Antigonus: ...you are mercenaries?
Chaos: Um, yes, we are trained soldiers, and, uh...
Antigonus frowns
Dark: We'll work cheap.
And so, the quartet were added to the ranks of Alexander's army. And just in time, too, as the army was currently camped just outside the ancient city of Troy, near the river
Granicus...
sound of fighting, screaming, etc.
Chaos: Gah! ducks under an arrow Why did I come here?!
Ganon: fighting with a large sword Yes, why did you?!
Link: also fighting, with the Biggoron sword And did you really have to drag us around?!
Dark: fighting, etc. with a longsword and shield I hope you realize that we're missing Survivor!
Chaos: I'm sorry! ducks another arrow, and subsequently trips up an enemy cavalry
The horse stumbles, falling into another enemy cavalry, who stumbles into another enemy cavalry...
Dark: Dominoes!
By now, about twenty or so have fallen down, and more are still falling. Alexander's troops are fighting the ones that fell.
Ganon: Remind me not to sign up for cavalry...
Link: Not with her around, anyway.
Chaos: Hey! It was an accident! ducks yet another arrow, which ends up hitting the enemy infantry behind her, who stumbles into another soldier... ...and so was that.
After the battle, which, according to history, Alexander won...
Ganon: Whoo! We're still alive!
Dark: We missed Survivor...
Link: Don't worry- I've set the VCR to tape it.
Dark: Yea!
Chaos: Well, now I can start on my homework! pulls out a diary
_______________________________________________________________________
Grancius River-
We've survived our first battle as mercenaries in the army of Alexander! I didn't really expect how intense it was. The other army was huge! But we still won! I'm a bit surprised, actually. Darius could have easily overtaken us while crossing Hellespont- his navy is tremendous, far larger than Alexander's. But he didn't, so we marched on. The two armies were interesting to measure. We had about 43,000 infantry, and somewhere over 6000 cavalry, whereas the Persians had roughly 30,000 infantry, but over 15,000 cavalry! Fortunately, Alexander's a good tactician, and the Persians aren't. But the Persians had the choice of battleground, and they chose well. We managed to sneak up around dawn, and they were too late to stop us. I got off a little lucky- I tripped up some of the cavalry with my sword, and they went down like dominoes! Looking back, it was actually a bit funny. I didn't even mean to do it. Oh well. None of us (Link, Ganon, Dark, and I) got really hurt, just a few shallow slashes, and a couple bruises from arrows hitting our armor. Looks like it's time to get moving, so I'll pick this up again later.
_______________________________________________________________________
Chaos: closing diary There!
Ganon: Finished? Can we go home?
Chaos: Not yet. We can, however, skip some time.
Dark: Oh, with that time bubble thing, or whatever?
Chaos: Yep. But first, find Link.
Ganon: He's over there...points
It seems Link has found the phalanx spears, which are about 12 to 18 feet long.
Link is taking a running start, holding the spear above his head
Chaos: ...Is he doing what I think he's doing?
Dark: Unfortunately.
Link stabs the spear into the ground at high speed, launching himself into the air
Link: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
by now, all of the nearby soldiers, including Alexander himself and his generals, are watching
Link: I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HEEEEERE!!!
Chaos, Dark, and Ganon: sigh ......
Eventually, after Link landed (ironically, on top of Ganon) and much explanation, the four regrouped and are fast forwarding through time a bit.
Dark: Can anyone else hear techno music?
Ganon: No...
Link: Chaos, this is freaky. I never did any time-travelling like this!
Chaos: It is a bit weird, but I've gotten used to it.
Ganon: Hold on! Does that mean you've been manipulating time and not telling us?!
Chaos: ......
Dark: Silence gives consent.
Link: What else are you not telling us?
Chaos: ...I was the one who put the red hat in the white load of laundry.
333 B.C: City of Gordium
a large knot is on display
Dark: Wow. Just like in Maniac Magee!
(Note: It's a great book. If you haven't read it, do so now.)
Link: Isn't whoever unties it supposed to be the ruler of Asia, or something?
Ganon: Hmmm...
5 minutes later
Chaos: running Guys! Alexander's coming to try and untie the knot, and...and...uh oh.
Ganon is untying the knot of Gordium, and there's just a few kinks to go.
Ganon: I think I've almost got it!
Chaos: You fool! You're interfering with the timeline!
Dark: So? Like we're not? Ha! Knot! Haha!
Link: ...steps a few feet away from Dark
Chaos: But we're not causing any major events! You're going to rip the timeline!
as luck would have it, Alexander walks up, as per history
Alexander: What...?! The knot! NO!
Chaos: Gah! Must...change...temporal...flux!
As if on command, the pack of rabid, time-travelling squirrels create a time vortex thing, and time is rewound a little.
5 minutes earlier
a large knot is on display
Dark: Wow. Just like in Maniac Magee!
(Note: It's a great book. If you haven't read it, do so now.)
Link: Isn't whoever unties it supposed to be the ruler of Asia, or something?
Ganon: Hmmm...
Chaos: No! DO NOT UNTIE THE KNOT!
Ganon: But, Chaos...
Chaos. NO.
Guys: Awww...
_______________________________________________________________________
City of Gordium-
After the battle at the Grancius river, we've since moved northward towards Gordium. Ganon wanted to untie the knot, but we stopped him. Alexander tried as well- but when he couldn't, he got so frustrated he cut it in half with his sword! I've been told that from here we're going to head south, to the Cilician Gates. There are rumor going around that Darius is moving his troops westward from Babylon, and I smell a skirmish not far off.
_______________________________________________________________________
Late October, near Issus
Chaos: What I wouldn't give for some IcyHot...
Link: Why does that stuff work on your back, but it does nothing to your hands?
There is a pause as everyone considers this random, yet thoughtful question.
Dark: Does it even matter?
Ganon: Probably not.
Link: According to your history book, when's the next battle?
Chaos: Depends. Where are we?
Dark: Somewhere called Issus.
Chaos: ...crud.
Ganon: Then the next battle is here?
Everyone: Crud.
Random Person I Have Named Bob: Hey, you four! Get ready!
Ganon: Why?
Bob: We're marching to battle! runs away
Everyone: ...crud!
At the Battle of Issus
Dark is standing near the munitions tent, where the newest weapons of mass destruction are to be found.
Dark: Hey, what's this?
Bob how did he get here?: That's our newest project! We're calling it a "Catapult"!
Dark: Oh yeah? How does it work?
As Bob tries to explain the Catapult, Dark wanders a bit too close to the basket-
thingy...
On the actual battlefield, Chaos and Ganon are playing Battleship.
Chaos: while fighting E-4!
Ganon: also fighting Miss! I-10!
Chaos: You sunk my battleship! Grrr...
Ganon: Hahaha!
Several soldiers look up and are fatally distracted by the sight of Dark, having been hurled from the catapult, soaring over the field.
Dark: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Chaos: ...how much you want to bet that Link is somehow responsible?
_______________________________________________________________________
Issus-
I'm exhausted. First, Alexander goes for a swim in the river Cydnus, and catches pneumonia. Once he finally gets better, he has us march all the way to Issus, winning support from various towns along the way. Then he makes us march down to the pass at Myriandrus to wait for Darius. Who never came. And then we got flooded out of our tents by rain. Meanwhile, Darius marched to Issus, and captured our wounded and sick there. He cut off their hands, and seared them with pitch. He then showed them his army, and told them to go back to Alexander. A good march later out of the pass, we encountered Darius, and met him on the field. It was a hard fight, made harder by rough terrain and our own exhaustion. Eventually, Darius fled into the hills on horseback, and Alexander kept his armor and insignia as trophies. I am going to bed.
_______________________________________________________________________
332 B.C: The Seaport of Tyre
A fortified seaport is being held under siege.
Chaos: Yo, guys, I vote we skip ahead a bit more.
Dark: Why?
Chaos: Well, according to history...takes out script we lay siege to Tyre for 7 months.
Link: Seven months!
Ganon: I, for one, don't want to wait that long.
Chaos: So we skip?
Guys: Skip.
Fast Forward.
Tyre has been occupied, and Alexander is preparing to march to Gaza, and then Egypt.
Ganon: Wow. That time bubble really does come in handy.
Chaos: I'll say. Maybe we can skip some of this marching...or midterm exams.
_______________________________________________________________________
Tyre-
After Issus, the seven moth siege was like a vacation! Even on duty, it was great to rest up a bit. And better yet, we took Tyre by storm! It wasn't too hard, actually. They were stubborn, though. That's why they lasted seven months. Word is, we're going to Egypt next. I don't particularly want to try fighting them, though. And the desert doesn't look too appealing.
_______________________________________________________________________
Late 332 B.C: Egypt
Alexander is being crowned Pharaoh at Memphis.
Dark: I can't believe that the Egyptians welcomed Alex over there.
Link: Yeah. It's like they've been waiting to be conquered.
Ganon: Hmph. I conquered Hyrule, but I was never welcomed...
Chaos: That's because you destroyed everything in your path!
Ganon: Oh. Not everything!
Dark: That's true. He did leave Graceland.
Chaos: ......of all places, why Graceland?
Ganon: Because Elvis is the true king!
Link: Maybe that's why you weren't welcomed as a king.
Ganon: ...I must destroy Graceland...
Chaos: There ya go!
_______________________________________________________________________
Egypt-
A nice surprise awaited us past the desert. The Egyptians welcomed Alexander as a deliverer, and he has been crowned Pharaoh! Apparently, earlier Pharaoh were thought to be suns of Amon-Ra, the Egypt version of Zeus. Alexander wants to make a pilgrimage to the temple, to be recognized as of divine birth. I'm beginning to worry about that man's sanity...it's like he never wants to stop. Once we're through in Egypt, we march back to Tyre, and thence to Babylon. But first we must deal with the desert. I must remember to get something to cover my head...
_______________________________________________________________________
331 B.C: Lybian Desert
Alexander's army is marching under the hot, hot sun.
Link: ...gah...!
Ganon: What are you complaining about? This place is like home!
Dark: For you...you're from a desert...so you're used to it...
Ganon: What difference does that make?
Chaos: You don't sunburn...
Dark: You are used to the heat...
Link: And the glare...
Chaos: And the whipping sands...
Ganon: Ok, so I get your point! If you don't like it, skip through it!
Pause.
Chaos: Now why didn't I think of that earlier!
Fast Forward.
_______________________________________________________________________
Somewhere in the Desert-
What unkind trick of the gods is this? Marching daily through this unending, scorched pit...and we are not so near the coastline this time, as there is no fair salty breeze to cool us. We have about 40,000 infantry now, as well as 7000 cavalry. But I wonder if we will even make it through this accursed desert. We had better be getting paid good money for this.
_______________________________________________________________________
Mesopotamian Valley, near Guagamela
Chaos: reading script Good news! We're over halfway done!
Guys: ...only halfway?
Chaos: Over halfway! We only have Guagamela, Babylon, Persepolis, and the Caspian Sea to go!
Dark: And those are battles?
Chaos: Yep, think so.
Link: ...where are we going to fight, again?
Chaos: Guagamela, Bab- ...this is Guagamela, isn't it?
Everyone: ...crud...
For plot-type reasons, Bob comes running up.
Bob: You four! Can you ride horses?
Guys: Of course!
Chaos: Um, yeah! obviously lying
Bob: Good, cause you're on cavalry. Now get going! We ride to the Persians!
Chaos: Um, ok...
Ganon: It's easy! Riding a horse is like...um..
Link: ...like riding a horse! smiles proudly
Dark: Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools...?
Link: As I recall, you lost to me in a fight, remember?
Dark: Oh, right...
At the battle.
Chaos: on horseback Hey! This is easy!
Link: also on horseback Told you!
Dak: No you didn't! also also on horseback
Link: Did too!
Dak: Did not!
Link: Did too!
Dak: Did not!
Link: Did too!
Dak: Did not!
Link: Did too!
Dak: Did not!
Ganon: yes, also on horseback Shut up! The battle is going on without us!
Pause.
Link: Wait a minute- where's Chaos?!
Ganon: I'm not sure I want to know...
We can hear a Xena-like battle cry.
Guys: ...CRUD!
_______________________________________________________________________
Guagamela-
That battle almost makes up for the trek across the desert! Darius tried to re-create the battle of Cunaxa, with Cyrus, but Alexander was the last person to walk into such an obvious trap! Instead, we went northeast, and that move certainly took the Persians by surprise! In between waiting for the Persians, and spying on their efforts, we got to rest up. Darius tried schemes, such as sending letters to our troops, saying we should kill Alexander. As if we'd listen to that! The letters were found and destroyed. Daius tried better strategies this time, but Alexander is by far the better tactician. Even outnumbered 5 to 1, we triumphed. I was on cavalry, and it was great! Most of the mercenaries were behind the cavalry, so Darius didn't see them coming. Darius fled the battle, again, but this time his reputation and authority will never recover.
_______________________________________________________________________
Late 332 B.C: Babylon
Babylon surrendered, and our heroes cough are celebrating.
Dark: YES! We're done!
Ganon: We've survived Chaos' homework!
Chaos: Uh, guys? We're not done yet...
Silence.
Chaos: We still have to get to the Caspian Sea.
Link: ...does this mean we have to stop partying?
Chaos: Probably.
Ganon: Let us live the lie, Chaos, for a little while longer.
Chaos: Oh. Ok, just don't change the timeline...glares at Ganon
Ganon: ...what? What?!
Chaos: Knot. leaves to work on homework
Later...
Either they're drunk or just very, very hyper, but Ganon, Dark, and Link are dancing...in the street.
Dark: singing She's into superstition, black cats and voodoo dolls. I feel a premonition; that girl's gonna make me fall...
Chaos: looking up Dark! Stop inciting the masses!
Guys: singing Livin' la vida loca...!
Chaos: Grrr...
_______________________________________________________________________
Babylon-
After Darius' army fled and/or was destroyed, Babylon surrendered, and Susa soon followed. Susa was a rich city, and the wealth gotten there will well benefit the army. We are currently marching to the gates, and then on to the capital of Persia- Persepolis. I find it hard to believe how far we've come, all the way from Pella. Soon enough we will stand upon the shores of the Caspian Sea.
______________________________________________________________________
330 B.C: Persepolis
The city is being sacked.
Ganon: fighting, burning, etc. We apologize for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.
Dark: also fighting, but unaware of his burning sleeve We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking those who have just been sacked, have been sacked.
Link: lighting Dark's sleeve on fire The directors of the film hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.
Ganon: The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.
cue music
Chaos: I thought we agreed on no Monty Python references?
Dark: finally noticing his burning sleeve GAH!
_______________________________________________________________________
Persepolis-
When we reached the capital of Persia, we raided the city and burned it to the ground. I don't understand why we were ordered to burn it- rumor is, Alexander was drunk. I believe it. That man does too many things while drunk or in a temper, like with the Knot. Our orders are to march northward, towards the sea. I can't wait to get there! Alexander intends to go east, stretching his empire all the way to India. Has ever an empire spread so large? I think Alexander's will be the first.
_______________________________________________________________________
330 B.C: Shores of the Caspian Sea
Waves wash the sand, and Latin singing can be heard...
Choir: Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec...
Words appear on the screen as the scenery shifts, heading out to sea...
I'll be here...
Why...?
I'll be waiting here...
For what?
I'll be waiting, for you, so...
If you come here,
You'll find me,
I promise.
Chaos: Whoops! Sorry! Wrong game!
Rewind.
330 B.C: Shores of the Caspian Sea
Chaos: We made it!
Ganon: Can we go home?
Chaos: As soon as I do one more entry!
Link: I'm going to go pack!
Chaos: You do that. pulls out diary
_______________________________________________________________________
Caspian Sea-
We've come so far, and in such short time. Yet, how long has it been? A paltry 5 years? Hard ones, to be sure, but well worth the effort. Alexander is pushing towards Bactria, and Darius was found murdered. A long way to go for vengeance, yet Alexander will not stop. I wonder how long he will keep going- until he has the world? He has it already! I am looking forward to settling down, spending time with my friends, without fear of a stray arrow or an ambush. As I stand here, smelling the salt and feeling the breeze play with my hair, I know that this is what being alive really is.
_______________________________________________________________________
Ganon: reading over Chaos' shoulder That has got to be the corniest thing I have ever read!
Chaos: glares Do you want to be left here...?
Ganon: No.
Chaos: closes diary Good. narrating And so the squirrels returned, to take their places within the wheels of rabid time...
As called, the squirrels leap and scurry out of another time vortex while Link pulls the Telephone Booth of Time out of his Dimensional Pocket.
Link: Glad to have that thing out of there!
Dark: I'm glad we're done. opens the booth
Chaos: You can say that again! Everyone in the booth!
With much difficulty, they cram into the booth once more.
Chaos: Now, home. Squirrels! Back to the future!
Flash of light as the squirrels take effect.
Link: Team Rocket's Blasting Off-mmph! gets smothered by the other occupants
And there you have it, the adventures of one Author and her companions, who arrived before they left, or rather, at the same instant they left, due to the mechanics of time travel.
Dark: Anyone who understood that, please raise your hands.
once again, the squirrels raise their paws
Dark: sigh ...
The End