There You'll Be
Written by: Mollie
Disclamer: I do not own any of the people from Titanic, nor do I claim to. The rest is on my profile lol:)
May 1st, 1912
Dear Diary,
It has been about two weeks since I lost my dear Jack. These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. I can't feel, I can't think, I can't do anything at all. I try to sleep and dreams just fill my mind. Dreams of Jack...all sorts of dreams of Jack. Good dreams, romantic dreams, horrible dreams, erotic dreams, and, the worst, dreams of Jack dying in the water all over again. When I wake up, these images just keep going through my head and I find it hard to concentrate. Which is why I am writing this all down. I hope to clear my mind somewhat through this diary...
The past week I have been living in a boarding house, before that I stayed in a motel for a few days. I have money from Cal's coat. Money that reaches a very high amount. $197,000 when I counted it the other day. And that's after I have spent some. I also have The Heart of the Ocean. But I could never sell that. There are too many memories to go along with it. Too many stories...
The boarding house is quite nice. The owner, a couple by the names of Kathleen and Joseph Kelly, were very nice to me. They let me have a very comfortable room-for a boarding house. There is no carpet, no privet bathroom, and the walls are quite thin. I suppose I am just not used to things like this, but it is nice. There is a comfortable bed, that's double size, a nice closet, and there is a beautiful rug on the floor. There is also a window, two actually, if you count the small one above my head bored, and there are shelves. I really don't have much to fill the room up with, but yesterday the Kelly's daughter, Mia, brought me some flowers in a vase. I put them next to my bed on the nightstand. It seams to brighten up the whole room. Mia is so sweet. She has beautiful blondish brown hair and big brown eyes. She is only three, but seams really smart. The Kelly's have been so kind. Although I have told nothing of my story to them, they seem to understand that I went through something upsetting and respect that. For this I am thankful.
May 2nd, 1912
I went out to look for a job today, dispite the fact that I had a headache. There was nothing. Well, there were some decent jobs. But I have no skills at all. I can't even cook canned soup. What am I going to do? I can't live off of Cal forever. Nor do I want to.
May 3rd, 1912
There was an article in the paper today-the Hockley's threw Mother out. It says they didn't need her anymore, since her daughter "died." They also, apparently, found out about Mother's plan just to get money off them. Now she has the press after her. The article also talked a lot about my "death" and how I would be missed. There was nothing about Jack...
May 4th, 1912
I didn't feel well when I got up this morning. Maybe its something I ate last night.
I have been thinking about going and talking to Mother. The paper says she is living in New York, just a few blocks away from here. I would really like to see if she has changed. If she tired to make me go back to the Hockley's, I wouldn't go. I would just move away fast and change my name. Besides, I don't think the Hockley's would want us back. After they found out what Mother was after- their money and nothing else.
May 5th, 1912
Morning
Once again I don't feel well. This morning it was worse. I am wondering if it is more then something I ate. Something else is bugging me as well. But maybe it's late because of the disaster and all I have been through. I mean, an ordeal like that can cause it to be messed up...right?
Later
I have decided to go back to Mother. She can't do anything to me. I think I will go tomorrow.
May 6th, 1912
I did it. I went and saw Mother. She just about fainted when she saw me. She turned white as a sheet, grasped the door handle and gasped. I think she thought I was back from the dead or something. She said, "Rose?!" And I just nodded. We stood there for a moment and then I finally said, "Its me, Mother. I am alive." Mother started crying and invited me inside her little apartment, actually hugging me for once. After her crying fit (and it was long, 15-20 minutes of hysterical sobs!) we finally started to talk. I told her how I survived. And then she told me about the Hockley's and I said that I knew already. And then I begged her not to take me back to Cal. She promised she wouldn't. "They wouldn't want you, or me, Rose," she said as she hung her head. Mother didn't say anything about Jack. Or even ask about him. I think she really doesn't like him. Or didn't like him. Even if there had been no Cal, I don't know that she would have accepted him. But anyway, Mother invited me to live with her. And as much as I love the Kelly's, I think I will go. Mother seams to have changed. At least I hope so.
May 10th, 1912
I have been living with Mother in her apartment for about two days. It's nice. Nothing more then that. Mother still cry's when she sees me, sometimes. Not all of the time. She hasn't gone to the Hockleys yet. So far, so good. I didn't tell her about all of Cal's money or The Heart of the Ocean. They are mine.
I am sleeping in Mother's spare room. Its fine; wood floors, perfectly fine bed, bookshelves and a lock. Mother has been trying to learn how to cook. Hehe. I swear she has almost burnt down the house about six different times in the past 48 hours. I would have tried too, but I am not feeling up to it.
I wish Jack were here with me. I think about it all the time. What it would be like if he were by my side, how it would be different. I would be sleeping beside him, instead of all alone. I wouldn't be having nightmares. And I wouldn't cry at anything and everything that reminded me of him.
I am still not feeling well. And my period is almost a week late. God, what does this mean? I can't be pregnant. I can't get pregnant after only the first time, right? It has to the Titanic ordeal. Nothing more. And the dizziness and upset stomach, that just must be the water or something. I am fine.
May 11th, 1912
I got sick this morning. I mean, really sick. Mother found out, too. She asked if I was okay and I said that I was fine. A million thoughts are going through my head as I write this. I don't know what to think.
May 15th, 1912
I have been sick these past few days. Once so bad that I stayed in bed all day. Mother wants me to go to the doctor. But I don't want to. I am scared. What happens if my suspistions are right? My breasts are really tender. Does that mean something? It can't.
Later
I just realized. It's been a month since Jack died. Now I am crying so hard I can hardly see straight. God, I miss him.
May 20th, 1912
My God, My God, My God. I can't believe it. I didn't think it would happen. I am pregnant. I am carrying Jack's baby in my abdomen at this moment. I went to a doctor this morning, with out Mother knowing. I told her I was looking for a job. When the doctor told me, I started crying and laughing at the same time. I really thought it was dream. Gosh, can you imagine? I am so happy and excited. But I am also scared too. I don't know how to handle a baby. I've never even held a baby. But, to have something of Jack is just mind blowing. I can't believe it. I can't even describe the feeling. What am I going to do? I haven't told Mother yet. Oh dear, what is she going to say. She will probably have my head.
May 25th, 1912
I still havn't told Mother.
May 27th, 1912
Not yet.
May 30th, 1912
I still havn't told her. I don't know how too. I mean, just show up for breakfast and say, "Oh thanks for Orange Juice, Mother. By the way, I am having Jack's baby." I mean, seriously.
Jack's child grows. I can tell. I am still sick in the morning and I feel dizzy. But I have been keeping it from Mother as best I can. I've been thinking a lot about this baby. What is it going to think of me?
June 2nd, 1912
I really need to tell Mother. If I don't, she'll guess soon anyway.
June 5th, 1912
I did it. Last night. I told Mother about my baby.
I sat her down on the sofa and stood in front of Mother. She asked, "What is going on Rose?" And then I just blurted it out. "Mother, Jack and I made love that night on the Titanic. I'm pregnant Mother, I am going to have Jack's baby in January."
Or something like that. I don't really remember.
Mother got really white, like when she saw me at the door. Her eyes narrowed and she pressed her lips together.
"Oh my God," she whispered icily.
"I'm not sorry Mother. Not at all," I said, trying to be strong. But my words broke as I spoke them.
"You made, no...had sex with that gutter rat!" My Mother screamed as she jumped up. She got right next to me and practically forced me down with her eyes.
"Made love Mother. Jack and I made love. And I am not sorry. It was worth it. I want this baby. It's a part of Jack. He's never going to be back again Mother. This is something of his I can hold on to!" I screamed.
I was surprised at my own words Diary. I didn't know I felt that way until then. But now I know, that's how to do feel.
Mother looked up at me for a moment and then left. She went to her room and slammed the door shut. I sat down and started crying.
Now here in I am, in my room, with this journal in front of me. Looking back, I think everything I said was right. It's how I feel, and Mother should know the truth. Mother has been in her room for hours now. I am really scared. What is she going to do to me?
June 6th, 1912
Mother spoke to me this morning...
She came into the kitchen where I was…trying... to make breakfast. She made me sit down and sit down across from me. "I am giving you three choices Rose," she said icily. My hands shock and my whole body trembled. Mother stared at me. "You can either have an abortion and stay with me, go somewhere for seven or eight months and then give the baby up for adoption the moment it is born, or you may leave and never come back." I looked at her, my mouth wide open. "I'll give you till tonight to decide," she said. And then walked off.
What should I do diary? There is no way I am killing my baby. I would never do that. Besides, those procedures are unclean and bad. And they take forever to heal from afterward. I know because one of the girls, Kimberly, down the street in Philadelphia had one of them last year. She was just a year older then me when she got pregnant. Her parents forced her to have an operation. No one else knew but me. Kim wasn't even supposed to tell me. I was shocked when this happened. I wonder how she is now, she was really sick for a while afterward. And Adoption? Give my baby to someone else. Total Strangers. When I don't know what they will do to it. How they would treat Jack's child. I can't imagine. I suppose I should leave. But go where? I barley know how to live by myself, let alone with a child. And what would I tell people. They wouldn't look very kindly on me if I told them the child was illegitimate. But telling them I was widowed will also raise a lot of questions. Oh, what am I going to do?
Later
I have decided to leave. I am not killing my baby and I am not giving it away. Now I just have to tell Mother. And decide what else to do. What am I going to tell people?
June 7th, 1912
I told Mother my decision this morning. Now I am leaving for a little town outside of San Francisco, California first thing in the morning. Near San Francisco no one will know me. And I don't think most people will ask questions. If they do, I will just tell them that the Father is dead. Which is true. There is no need to tell them that its Father and I were not married. I am so scared Diary. I don't know the first thing about babies. I can barley take care of myself. I suppose I will just have to manage. Mother hasn't said anything to me since yesterday.
June 8th, 1912
I left this morning. Now I am sitting on this goddamned train, trying to write. When she dropped me off at the train station this morning, Mother gave my some money this morning (she didn't know I had all the money from Cal) and then said "Goodbye" before walking off. I was so scared; I still am. This is the first time I have been really alone. Well, alone except for my baby. My and Jack's baby. The thoughts that I have part of Jack living inside of me makes me go on. I am trying to look at this as an adventure; for baby and me. But it's hard. Come...be with me Jack...I need you....
June 11th, 1912
I arrived in "San Francisco" this morning. Although it's not really San Francisco. I forget the actual name of the town. The population is only about 1000 people; it's quite small. Anyway, I am now living in this boarding house. The people here know of my "condition" as they call it, but they believe my husband died. I am trying to figure out how to explain no ring on my finger. Maybe I shall buy one tomorrow to wear around. People wouldn't ask so many questions now. So far, no one has noticed my ring-less finger. But they will soon, if I don't do something. And since this is a small town, people will talk. Oh dear, I can just imagine.
The room here is not very nice, nor the house. The room only has a small pathetic bed, one small window, and that's about it. There is a small dresser, but it's horrible. The drawers are falling apart and the whole thing looks as if it is going to collapse. There is not even a closet and its freezing here! I mean, its June and in this room it feels as if its November in North Canada
I feel so lost. I have no job, no money of my own. God knows how long I will last at this place. All my belongings in the world fit in one simple bag. The only thing that keeps me going is my baby. All I want is what's best for it. In this place and what I live on, I hope its growing all right and turns out okay. Please God, you can do anything else...just don't take my baby away from me.
June 12, 1912
I bought a ring. A simple gold band that I wear on my left hand and it looks like a wedding band. I hope no one noticed that I didn't have it on yesterday.
June 13th, 1912
Oh dear God. Get me out of this house. It's disgusting here. The men are all burping, sleazy, people covered in grease. And they try to come on to every available woman they see. Even pregnant ones! Most of the women are all right, there is one girl who is really nice. Her name is Julie Webster and she is really quite sweet. She is going to collage in San Francisco and is staying here. We got to talking yesterday, since she is the only single lady here. Julie is 18 and very grown up for her age. Anyway, besides her, it is horrid here. Like is said, it's freezing. And the walls are so thin! There is a couple next door to me, and last night it was...well...not pleasant to be able to hear them. I am going out to look for a job tomorrow!
June 15th, 1912
Well...I finally found a job. There is a problem though. It's in Santa Monica. When I think about it...I really want to go to Santa Monica. I mean...it's where Jack and I dreamed about going. Where he was going to show me how to ride horses in the surf! Like a man! But just get up and move again? Hmmm...What should I do...I'm confused...really confused. Oh yeah, the job is working in a theater…ushering and selling tickets. Not much...but it pays good. And maybe I can work my way up to something, like an actress there. Or a drama teacher.
I've been sick the last few mornings. I think other boarders have learned to stay out of the bathroom after I have been there in the morning. Hehe.
June 17th, 1912
I talked to the theater where the job is being offered. The man said he didn't want me now, since my "condition" (I had to tell the man, he asked right of. And what would have happened if I got the job and then he found out I was pregnant. Can we say fired!) Anyway, the man was really nice though and said that if I really wanted the job, he would give it to me in February and just get someone else to fill in until then! I told him yes, I would do it. So as soon as my baby if born we are moving down to good old Santa Monica!
When I was down there, I found a horse stable that lets you rent horses to ride on the beach. I paid to do this and then, shaking and trembling, climbed into the horse they gave me. A horse by the name of Sunset. I thought the name was perfect. Anyway, I rode that horse the way Jack and I talked about. Like a man. Off into the sunset, where I talked to Jack in my mind for a long time. As I was returning back, the man at the stable told me to pose and he would take a picture. So I did. The picture should turn out lovely; with the horse, ocean surf, and the pier in the background. Someday I will go to that pier. With my baby. And we'll ride the rollercoaster till we throw up. Just like Jack and I would have.
June 18th, 1912
I found a job here, just to do until I move. It's working in a cafe, not much. But its a start. And they take me in my "condition." Julie works there, and a nice boy (about the only one) in the boarding house. Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about my baby these past two days. And I just realized that I need to think of names. Oh, I know, it's early yet. But I should start thinking right. And what about baby clothes? And cribs? And...All that other stuff that goes with babies. Oh my god. I know nothing! Oh shit, what I am getting myself into! Mmmmm....Jack help me!
July 4th, 1912
Independence Day! Wow, my first Independence Day being really free! I mean, really free. I feel so happy...and free. Hehe. My baby is growing...I can tell. I am mostly over my morning sickness, thank God. But I still feel dizzy and queasy some mornings. I'm not showing yet, I wonder when I will begin to. I don't know these things. Mother never really let me be around people who were pregnant. I only saw them when they were close to 9 months along. I am still not sure why she did this. I go a doctor in San Francisco tomorrow. He will be able to answer these questions for me. I hope.
July 15th, 1912
I have not been writing in this as much. Sorry. Work just leaves me so tired. And everything else is getting to me. Pregnancy, for one. I am entering my 3rd month now. And I am over my sickness now. This is joy to me. Finally, i can get up without feeling like I am going to pass out! The doctor told me what to expect over the next few months. I can't believe i thought I would be showing in the 2nd month. Just shows how much I don't know. Anyway, he told me when the baby should start moving and when I should start to show. Things like that. Oh, and what to expect when I go into labor. I don't think I will need that any time soon, but Doctor Hansen told me just in case I go into early labor or something. He said that the baby is growing perfectly. Mmmmm....thank you Jack for giving me this baby. And my new life. I love you Jack.
July 20th, 1912
I am sick of work! This bastard came in today and propositioned me right in the restaurant! I didn't know what to do! Thankfully, a coworker there noticed something was going on and came over. He drove the man away and then told me to take a break. I ran out of the restaurant and ended up by the ocean. I cried my eyes out for a half-hour. I need Jack to hold me so bad. I need his body. If he were here, I wouldn't have this problem! Strange men wouldn't be coming onto me and people who know about my "condition" wouldn't be giving me weird looks! I wish he were here. God dammit! I want Jack! I want him here, now. In my arms. Telling me it will be all right. I miss you Jack. I miss you so much it hurts. My body longs for yours. I need you.
July 27th, 1912
I have recovered from my episode at work. I realize all that stuff that I was saying about Jack is true though. I need him so much. I love him more then anything. I would give almost anything to have him back.
August 2nd, 1912
I went to the library today. Something to get my mind off of everything. And I do mean everything. Work, missing Jack, this awful boarding house. The only thing I don't want to forget is the memories of Jack, and about my baby. Anyway, I got some good romance novels. Stuff that my Mother would have considered "trashy." You know the ones. With titles like "Night's Passion" and "Secret Lovers." Oh, if Mother could see me now. But I have been getting into them...reading them after work and before work while I am in the bathroom. Other places as well, like on my lunch break. People must think I am rather odd, but oh well. This is all part of my new freedom!
August 13th, 1912
I am coming up on the 4th month mark. I should start to show a little bit here soon. Julie say's she can't tell I am pregnant yet, but I think I look different. My breasts are tender and kinda swollen. And the rest of my body seams puffy. Julie just hadn't seen me before, that's it. Julie and I have become really good friends over the months. It's wonderful to have someone to talk to again. And by again I mean since Jack. I never talked to anyone before that. And my Mother can tell you that anyway.
August 17th, 1912
My baby grows. I went in again today for a check up. The doctor wanted to see me often because of be being a "widow" and what I went through. And with me working and stuff, he worries that I will overdo myself. Plus, my living conditions and diet aren't exactly the most healthily. At the boarding house, if you are not at the breakfast table at 6, no food until lunch. And half the time, I am tired from work and don't get up in time for breakfast. But then I just grab something at work. The food is disgusting at the house. Moldy bread for toast, bruised and brown fruit, undercooked meat. I have begun eating more at work then at home. Or Julie and I will go out and eat once a week. I think they all wonder where I get all this money I keep spending. I am set for life, they just don't know it. I like the idea of working though. Makes me feel like I am doing something for myself. And I always spend my earned money before I go to Cal's money. Always.
August 25th, 1912
It's really hot today. And it has been for the past week. Oh dear, this stuffy atmosphere is starting to get to me. I slept in my under-things last night and that was it. Thank God I have a lock on this door of mine. If the men in this boarding house knew that I slept like that, they would be at my door in a moment. Too bad Jack isn't here, I would open my door for him in a moment. Course, if Jack was here, I am sure he would have seen me in fewer things then my underwear!
September 1st, 1912
Life rolls on. I am slowly getting used to getting up early to get to breakfast on time and getting to work with some energy. I have gotten used to the looks and occasional questions. People have begun to accept me as well. Too bad I am leaving in a few months! The only people I will miss are Julie and a co-worker from work, James Calvert (the one who lives in my boarding house). He's the one who helped me when those men came after me at work.
September 17th, 1912
I just realized I am begging to show! Not much, and no one would be able to tell if they didn't know that I was pregnant. But I am showing! There is a little mound on my stomach! My baby! I am so excited. I started crying. It was funny. I was at work and I walked by a mirror. I glanced at myself in a profile view and there it was, physical proof of my baby. Right they're in front of me. Like I said, I started crying and took a break. Julie was so excited for me when i pointed it out to her when she came in for lunch. And James was happy for me, although he didn't share my and Julie's enthusiasm. Oh my little baby. Jack's child. It grows inside of me. I love it already. My little darling.
September 21st, 1912
Ugh! This awful boarding house. I don't think I could ever complain enough about it. The walls are too thin! I can hear everything. I can hear the couple next door when they are having "quality time" and when they are having arguments. And on my other side there is a man who always comes in late at night, drunk as an Irish man on St. Patrick's Day. Excuse my expression. I lay awake so often, just thinking. It is too loud to focus on sleep. I think about Jack, my baby, and my past life. How different things are now then they were a year ago. Never once last September would I have dreamed that by that date next year I would be free. Away from Cal, my Mother, that awful suffocating life. I also didn't think I would have met my soulmate, watched him die in one of the biggest disasters of all time, and then found out I was pregnant with his child. I didn't think I would be working in a restaurant, living in a shitty boarding house, or be living in California. How things have changed. It just goes to show you, things change fast.
October 5th, 1912
My eighteenth birthday.
October 6th, 1912
I had a good cry last night. For a lot of things. Mostly for Jack. I miss him. All I can think about is what he is missing-his life. And he gave it all up for me. For me! I woman he had known for two, three days. I don't think I will ever get over him, or what he did for me. My heart is just racing. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully get over Jack. And I like that idea. I don't want him to ever leave me.
October 10th, 1912
James and Julie gave me a "birthday party" the other day at work lol. They made me a small chocolate cake and at lunch break sang happy birthday to me. Then they took me out to lunch. I had such a wonderful time. Mr. Tallen, my boss, didn't even mind that we were a few minutes late getting back. Everyday my stomach grows larger. Sometimes I think I can feel the baby, but I don't know. I am not sure if what I feel is it.
October 13th, 1912
My baby kicked today! For the first time. A big strong kick that took me by surprise. I had just gotten up when I felt a fluttering in my belly. And then another! The baby had kicked. You can't even imagine how happy I was. Since Julie's room is just across the hall from mine, I ran out of the room, knocked on the door, and told her what happened. She put her hand on my stomach and the baby kicked again! We both started screaming. I think we woke the whole house up. Mrs. Marquis was not happy with us at all! Boy, did she have a fit. I am glad I am leaving in a few months.
October 15th, 1912
Nothing much has been happening this week (besides the first kick!). Julie, James, and I are going down to Santa Monica this weekend to go look for a house or apartment for me. I hope I can find one that overlooks the ocean. With a deck or balcony. And a little yard for my baby to play in.
October 25th, 1912
I have found a house! Over looking the Pacific Ocean, just like I wanted. The house is quite small: three bedrooms and a bathroom are upstairs, a livingroom, kitchen, dinning room, and "mud room" are downstairs. It is bigger then my home now though. And it really isn't bad, considering it will just be two of us living there. Here is my favorite part; there is a deck off the back of the house (the part that faces the ocean) and before the ground turns into sand there is some grass. Perfect. I told the man that I would buy it, but would not be moving in until February. Actually, I was thinking about calling the man back and saying I could move in next week. But when I went to the doctor yesterday and mentioned this, he said no moving until after the baby was born. I am not even supposed to go to work as often. "Only three times a week, and only in the afternoons," he said. But anyway, the man who I am buying the house from said that it is fine if I move in February and that it was better because it gave him more time to find another house. Julie said now I have to start buying baby things. Ohh, I am getting so excited!
October 31st, 1912
I have gotten so big! My stomach just bulges out in front of me. Dr. Hansen said I probably won't get bigger, since he said I look like I am nine months along already. But then he said that normally I would get bigger. So I don't know. Maybe this kid is just going to be big like his Daddy. Oh yes, its Halloween today. Mother never really let me celebrate Halloween. She always said it was a "poor man's holiday." Now I see how much fun I missed. I am not going to let my baby grow up like I did. He or she will be able to go out and trick or treat for treats. And have fun. I won't stop the child unless he or she is doing something illegal or unsafe.
November 12th, 1912
I have been shopping for the past few days. And I am sick of it already! I still have a lot to do too. The things I have bought I am keeping in storage until January when I will ship it all to Santa Monica. Julie is going to help me settle in, since I will be in my ninth month and probably not feeling the best. But I do not want to dump everything on her. Ugh! This is turning into a nightmare.
I'm having a hard time right now. Everything I see reminds me of Jack. And hearing everyone talk about Thanksgiving and Christmas even, and being with their family's makes me think of the complete family Jack and I will never be. I'll have our child. But the child's father will never be here. There will never be the family picture with Mother, Father, and baby. There will never be the Christmas dinners or mornings with the Mom and Dad smiling at their child as it gets excited. The family picnics, trips, fights, dinners, camp-outs. Jack will never be able to be like that with us. I don't even have a picture to show Jack's child of what its Father looked like. Even if I ever do get re-married, it will never be the same. I don't think I could love any man like I loved Jack. It will never be there again. And I don't think I could stand to have someone else take Jack's place as a father to this child. Jack will be my first, and only, true love.
Thanksgiving Weekend, 1912
I am sitting in my boarding house room, watching people outside go to their family dinners. Julie is going back to Chicago, where her parents live, for the week. She offered to take me with her. But I didn't want to go. I would rather be alone with my baby. And Jack. Most of all, my thoughts. I need to be alone with them right now....
December 1st, 1912
I saw the doctor today. He was talking to be about what will happen exactly when the baby is born. Its gunna hurt like hell diary. Oh, but it will be worth it. I will have some physical part of Jack with me again. I've been thinking about names. Here is my list.
Boys
Jack
Nicholas (Nick)
Kyler
Robert (after my Father)
John
Girls
Maureen
Juliet
Elizabeth
Kathleen (Kate)
Josephine
That's about it. I am not sure about my favorites yet. I guess I will see what the baby looks like and then decide on a name. Or maybe just pick out of a hat. I don't know yet.
December 3rd, 1912
My Mother's birthday. I wonder what she is doing right now.
December 5th, 1912
I have been baby-clothes shopping! I found some really cute things that a boy or a girl could wear, since I don't know what I am having. Oh, and Julie is helping me make a blanket! Actually, two, since she said babies will need more then one. Of course, this makes since. She has a little sister, who was born when Julie was thirteen, so she remembers these things.
December 10th, 1912
Ugh! I have gotten so big. Even bigger then I was before! I can barley walk. And it looks very funny when I do so. Just about a month to go...
Tomorrow is my last day at the cafe. Julie and James both said I better look out. I wonder what that means.
The baby is moving a lot now. So much that I can barely stand it sometimes and I have to sit down. This little one sure is active.
December 15th, 1912
Its been eight months this morning. Eight months since I lost Jack. Dear God, why did you have to do this too me. Every night I see Jack when I am sleeping. And I know he is with me all the time. But I wish he were here in the flesh. So I could physically touch him (not that I don't touch him in my dreams!) I guess, when I think about it though, I don't mind waiting 80 years to see him again because then I will have him for eternity. I mean, I do mind. But-oh never mind.
December 16th, 1912
I forgot to tell you what Julie and James did for me my last day of work! I arrived early like the told me to do and when I walked in the door there was a big sign saying "Congratulations! We Will Miss You!" It was a baby shower/ going away party! I was so happy and excited. They got me gifts, and there was a cake, and even Mr. Tallen gave me a present from him and his wife. I now have more baby clothes then I know what to do with, stuffed animals galore, and even a baby carriage (thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Tallen).
I had a strange dream last night. Jack came to me and led me out to the ocean. We were standing on a dock, looking out at the water. I wasn't pregnant anymore, which was odd. Jack whispered in my ear, "Be prepared, two are in your future." And then he was gone. 'Two are in your future'????? I have been thinking about this all day, trying to figure out what it means. I have no idea really. Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe I am just freaking out about nothing.
Christmas Eve, 1912
Not much by way of a holiday. Julie and I went to James's parents house earlier today. Julie was supposed to go up to Chicago again, but the tracks are too icy. Anyway, we had an early supper and then returned to the boarding house. In the sitting room downstairs is a small tree that Mr. and Mrs. Marquis put up. They bought a gift for everyone to open up tomorrow as well. Earlier James, Julie, and I exchanged gifts ourselves. I cave Julie some new books, a nice hat, and a few other little things. To James I gave a copy of Much Ado About Nothing (since he is into Shakespeare) and another book by which the name I don't remember. It had something to do with the Civil War. Julie gave me in return a set of really nice couch pillows for my new home and a romance novel that she promises is 'the best I'll ever read.' James gave me a set of bookshelves that his father made. Oh, it is wonderful to have good friends such as James and Julie around. I do hope they will come and visit or I can visit them once I move away.
Christmas Day, 1912
All I can think about is Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. All I see is Jack. All I taste is Jack's kisses. All I smell is Jack's skin. I think I am going crazy. My baby has been moving so much today. I think it knows its Christmas. Merry Christmas baby Dawson! Anyway, today was busy! I was awoken at 6:30 AM by Julie and James storming in, shouting "Happy Christmas Rose!" and then they forced me to get up. And then, without even bothering to let me take a shower or anything, they dragged me downstairs. I did have fun though. It reminded me of the one Christmas back in like 1901. I was six at the time. My Mother and Father took me to my cousin's house. Now, my Aunt Susan is famous for being the black sheep of the family. She was my Dad's only sister. And she married someone who her parents considered "low- class." But, oh she was so nice. And so fun to be around. Once, just once, we went to their house. My cousins Sarah, Hannah, and Thomas were raised very differently then I. So you can imagine what they led me to do. I got in so much trouble once we got home, but it was worth it. We were up at 4 AM on Christmas morning, driving everyone crazy. We were screaming and yelling all day. And we got muddy and dirty. It was so much fun! Oh, I smile just remembering it. Anyway, I havn't seen them since that day. All my cousins except for Sarah were older then I am, so I suspect they are all married. Maybe I will try to find them someday. Not now though. I hope my baby has fun Christmas's like that. After the morning of yelling and screaming (haha) we had a brunch break. Oh, so much food. I ate so much. But then again, I am eating for two now aren't I? All day long everyone was nice to everyone else. I hadn't had such a wonderful day in a while. Except for the Jack thing. I can't get him out of my mind, like I said before. This would have been our first Christmas together. We would have been talking about the baby and planning things. And that mistletoe downstairs would have come in pretty handy. I think I will put this away and go to sleep, so Jack can take me away and love me like I know he did and anyways will.
December 31st, 1912
New Years Eve! Here's to a new and hopefully happier 1913!
January 3rd, 1913
The finally countdown to when the baby is born begins. It's going to be more or less about ten days from now. I think (and hope) that I am ready. I have all the things I am sure I need for a baby. And Julie and James (who volunteered) are going down this weekend to start and set things up at my house. I terribly want to go with them, but the doctor said no way. I am so big now! I have never seen anyone as huge as I am. I look as if I am going to explode. I don't do much now a days. Just lie around and read (remember those trashy novels hehe) and get up three times a day for meals. Julie comes in after her morning classes, before she goes off to work. And then after work, she comes in and tells me how everyone is. James stops in every once in a while. He really is fun to talk to. I've been telling them how I want to baby's room to be set up. I want to rocking chair that I bought facing the window. The window faces the ocean, which is why I love the room. I would like the crib on the left and the chest-of-drawers on the right. With the changing table next to the crib. Oh, and I have so many other things to describe. I could go on for days. I can't wait to get down there in February and look at it!
January 11th, 1913
The final days are here. The doctor warns me that it could be any day now. He came over and was teaching me how to breathe. I am getting more scared everyday. What if something happens to me??? Ugggg! I am so worried. Oh, but I am excited too. My feeling are so mixed up. I do have my names picked out though. And you diary, will just have to wait for my decision!
January 12th, 1913
Just for the record, I feel like crap. I wish Jack were here.
January 13th, 1913
Any day now!! Julie is so funny, the way she is worried about me. She has even taken a few days off of work to be with me. I told her not to, but would she listen??? No! She still has morning collage classes though, so she is not driving me crazy all day. Hehe. Just kidding, I really do love having her around. She and James got my house all set up. They said it looks wonderful. I am so thankful for them for doing that. I can't even tell them enough. James said just look at is an early birthday present and I laughed. The baby's movements have slowed down. I wonder if that means anything. The doctor didn't mention that. I still feel horrible. And I didn't sleep well last night. I don't think I will tonight either.
January 16th, 1913
I am now a Mother! And I know now what Jack meant by the 'two in your future dream.' On the 14th I gave birth to not one Dawson child, but two! Twins! Can you belive it. Oh, I am so happy. I can't even put it into words. Nicholas Jack Dawson and Maureen Anastasia Dawson were born at about 10:10 in the evening on January 14th. They both weighed 7lbs, 8 oz. And then were over twenty inches long! Big little babies if you ask me. Maureen had been hiding behind her brother while they were inside me, which is why no one had any idea about the twins. I was sitting at home, quietly reading that afternoon. I had been feeling very different. And once in a while I felt what I thought was a contraction. Well, then my water broke. I was so scared diary. I cried out for Julie and she came in. Everything happened fast after that. The next thing I knew I was in bed with the doctor next to me. Julie was allowed to stay in the room and help, which I thank God for. It was a short labor (I am told) and by ten I had delivered the first baby. The doctor was not kidding when he said it would hurt! Ohh my, did it hurt! I screamed and yelled and called out Jack's name. It was horrible. Nicholas was born first and right away I knew that there was another. I was to much in pain and to tired to even think about the fact that I didn't know about the other baby. Ten minutes later, Maureen was born. The doctor put both of them in my arms and I just looked at them. Jack's children were finally in my arms. They are such strong, healthy babies. They both have soft strawberry-blond hair that I am sure will change. No one believes me, but I had blond hair when I was little. And when Jack and I talked one time, he said he had that he had brown hair until he was two. I guess we will just have to wait and see. One thing is certain though, they do have Jack's eyes. Jack's wonderful, crystal, sharp, intelligent blue eyes. Both are asleep next to me right now. And Maureen just sighed softly. She is so beautiful. Just like I always imagined my daughter would look like. And she has the birthmark of the DeWitt Bukators; it is right under her right breast. As far back as my great-great-grandma Anastasia (where Marueen's middle name comes from) all the women in my Mother's line have had the birthmark. Nick has a mark too. Right above his left leg. Odd place, I thought. I have been trying to remember if Jack had a birthmark. But I cannot recall any such thing. Nicholas's middle name is explainable. I was thinking about having his first name be Jack, but then I thought, everytime I looked at the child and called his name, I would see his father and my mind would go crazy. I like the name Nicholas Jack. I think it suits the boy. The name Nicholas comes from my grandfather, just for the record. And Maureen's first name comes from my Mother's middle name. Mother never was my favorite person, nor did I ever like the name Ruth. But oh I love her middle name. I always said that if I had a daughter I would name her Maureen. And so I did. I could go on forever, talking about every single inch and detail of them. Maureen Anastasia and Nicholas Jack Dawson. I wonder what the world has in mind for these two new additions. I guess we will wait and see!
January 19th, 1913
I finally got "up" today. If you count getting out of bed to take a shower and the climbing back into bed up. But it did feel nice. James surprised me by saying he bought another baby crib and had it set up in the nursery at my house. I was so happy! I started crying and James looked embarrassed. Maureen and Nicholas are doing well. The doctor who delivered them came by today to check on us today. He said they are doing beautifully and look as healthy as he had ever seen a baby. I wanted to kiss him for saying that, but I didn't. I have been terribly worried that I will hurt my children somehow. They sleep a lot; so do I. I can't wait to move down to our new house! Good thing it has three bedrooms!
February 1st, 1913
I am up and moving around! Taking care of Nick and Maureen. Julie has been teaching me how to cook, something I will need when I move in a week.
February 9th, 1913
I am officially in my new home! Oh, Julie and James have done a wonderful, brilliant job with it. Just like I wanted. Julie surprised me by coming down last night, saying she would stay for a week. I told her no way, she had already done enough. But she said she had nothing better to do at home and could afford to take a week off from school and work.
February 10th, 1913
I just got back from getting up with Maureen and Nick. They both woke up at the same time, thank god. I got up and nursed them. And then sat in my rocking chair that faced the ocean. As I was rocking and singing them back to sleep, I thought about Jack. How proud he would have been of his two children. I realized that I need to be there for them. Be strong, since they don't have a Daddy around. They need to know that their Mother loves them with all her heart and soul. But, oh, how I wish Jack were here. I miss him more each day. And I don't think there is a night that goes by when I don't see him in my dreams. And I don't think a day will ever pass when I don't think of him and then have tears fill my eyes. But with these two children, I'll keep a major physical part of him with me. And that helps to ease the pain. I love Jack Dawson, diary. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. And someday, we'll all be a family. Together in heaven.
The End!
Written by: Mollie
Disclamer: I do not own any of the people from Titanic, nor do I claim to. The rest is on my profile lol:)
May 1st, 1912
Dear Diary,
It has been about two weeks since I lost my dear Jack. These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. I can't feel, I can't think, I can't do anything at all. I try to sleep and dreams just fill my mind. Dreams of Jack...all sorts of dreams of Jack. Good dreams, romantic dreams, horrible dreams, erotic dreams, and, the worst, dreams of Jack dying in the water all over again. When I wake up, these images just keep going through my head and I find it hard to concentrate. Which is why I am writing this all down. I hope to clear my mind somewhat through this diary...
The past week I have been living in a boarding house, before that I stayed in a motel for a few days. I have money from Cal's coat. Money that reaches a very high amount. $197,000 when I counted it the other day. And that's after I have spent some. I also have The Heart of the Ocean. But I could never sell that. There are too many memories to go along with it. Too many stories...
The boarding house is quite nice. The owner, a couple by the names of Kathleen and Joseph Kelly, were very nice to me. They let me have a very comfortable room-for a boarding house. There is no carpet, no privet bathroom, and the walls are quite thin. I suppose I am just not used to things like this, but it is nice. There is a comfortable bed, that's double size, a nice closet, and there is a beautiful rug on the floor. There is also a window, two actually, if you count the small one above my head bored, and there are shelves. I really don't have much to fill the room up with, but yesterday the Kelly's daughter, Mia, brought me some flowers in a vase. I put them next to my bed on the nightstand. It seams to brighten up the whole room. Mia is so sweet. She has beautiful blondish brown hair and big brown eyes. She is only three, but seams really smart. The Kelly's have been so kind. Although I have told nothing of my story to them, they seem to understand that I went through something upsetting and respect that. For this I am thankful.
May 2nd, 1912
I went out to look for a job today, dispite the fact that I had a headache. There was nothing. Well, there were some decent jobs. But I have no skills at all. I can't even cook canned soup. What am I going to do? I can't live off of Cal forever. Nor do I want to.
May 3rd, 1912
There was an article in the paper today-the Hockley's threw Mother out. It says they didn't need her anymore, since her daughter "died." They also, apparently, found out about Mother's plan just to get money off them. Now she has the press after her. The article also talked a lot about my "death" and how I would be missed. There was nothing about Jack...
May 4th, 1912
I didn't feel well when I got up this morning. Maybe its something I ate last night.
I have been thinking about going and talking to Mother. The paper says she is living in New York, just a few blocks away from here. I would really like to see if she has changed. If she tired to make me go back to the Hockley's, I wouldn't go. I would just move away fast and change my name. Besides, I don't think the Hockley's would want us back. After they found out what Mother was after- their money and nothing else.
May 5th, 1912
Morning
Once again I don't feel well. This morning it was worse. I am wondering if it is more then something I ate. Something else is bugging me as well. But maybe it's late because of the disaster and all I have been through. I mean, an ordeal like that can cause it to be messed up...right?
Later
I have decided to go back to Mother. She can't do anything to me. I think I will go tomorrow.
May 6th, 1912
I did it. I went and saw Mother. She just about fainted when she saw me. She turned white as a sheet, grasped the door handle and gasped. I think she thought I was back from the dead or something. She said, "Rose?!" And I just nodded. We stood there for a moment and then I finally said, "Its me, Mother. I am alive." Mother started crying and invited me inside her little apartment, actually hugging me for once. After her crying fit (and it was long, 15-20 minutes of hysterical sobs!) we finally started to talk. I told her how I survived. And then she told me about the Hockley's and I said that I knew already. And then I begged her not to take me back to Cal. She promised she wouldn't. "They wouldn't want you, or me, Rose," she said as she hung her head. Mother didn't say anything about Jack. Or even ask about him. I think she really doesn't like him. Or didn't like him. Even if there had been no Cal, I don't know that she would have accepted him. But anyway, Mother invited me to live with her. And as much as I love the Kelly's, I think I will go. Mother seams to have changed. At least I hope so.
May 10th, 1912
I have been living with Mother in her apartment for about two days. It's nice. Nothing more then that. Mother still cry's when she sees me, sometimes. Not all of the time. She hasn't gone to the Hockleys yet. So far, so good. I didn't tell her about all of Cal's money or The Heart of the Ocean. They are mine.
I am sleeping in Mother's spare room. Its fine; wood floors, perfectly fine bed, bookshelves and a lock. Mother has been trying to learn how to cook. Hehe. I swear she has almost burnt down the house about six different times in the past 48 hours. I would have tried too, but I am not feeling up to it.
I wish Jack were here with me. I think about it all the time. What it would be like if he were by my side, how it would be different. I would be sleeping beside him, instead of all alone. I wouldn't be having nightmares. And I wouldn't cry at anything and everything that reminded me of him.
I am still not feeling well. And my period is almost a week late. God, what does this mean? I can't be pregnant. I can't get pregnant after only the first time, right? It has to the Titanic ordeal. Nothing more. And the dizziness and upset stomach, that just must be the water or something. I am fine.
May 11th, 1912
I got sick this morning. I mean, really sick. Mother found out, too. She asked if I was okay and I said that I was fine. A million thoughts are going through my head as I write this. I don't know what to think.
May 15th, 1912
I have been sick these past few days. Once so bad that I stayed in bed all day. Mother wants me to go to the doctor. But I don't want to. I am scared. What happens if my suspistions are right? My breasts are really tender. Does that mean something? It can't.
Later
I just realized. It's been a month since Jack died. Now I am crying so hard I can hardly see straight. God, I miss him.
May 20th, 1912
My God, My God, My God. I can't believe it. I didn't think it would happen. I am pregnant. I am carrying Jack's baby in my abdomen at this moment. I went to a doctor this morning, with out Mother knowing. I told her I was looking for a job. When the doctor told me, I started crying and laughing at the same time. I really thought it was dream. Gosh, can you imagine? I am so happy and excited. But I am also scared too. I don't know how to handle a baby. I've never even held a baby. But, to have something of Jack is just mind blowing. I can't believe it. I can't even describe the feeling. What am I going to do? I haven't told Mother yet. Oh dear, what is she going to say. She will probably have my head.
May 25th, 1912
I still havn't told Mother.
May 27th, 1912
Not yet.
May 30th, 1912
I still havn't told her. I don't know how too. I mean, just show up for breakfast and say, "Oh thanks for Orange Juice, Mother. By the way, I am having Jack's baby." I mean, seriously.
Jack's child grows. I can tell. I am still sick in the morning and I feel dizzy. But I have been keeping it from Mother as best I can. I've been thinking a lot about this baby. What is it going to think of me?
June 2nd, 1912
I really need to tell Mother. If I don't, she'll guess soon anyway.
June 5th, 1912
I did it. Last night. I told Mother about my baby.
I sat her down on the sofa and stood in front of Mother. She asked, "What is going on Rose?" And then I just blurted it out. "Mother, Jack and I made love that night on the Titanic. I'm pregnant Mother, I am going to have Jack's baby in January."
Or something like that. I don't really remember.
Mother got really white, like when she saw me at the door. Her eyes narrowed and she pressed her lips together.
"Oh my God," she whispered icily.
"I'm not sorry Mother. Not at all," I said, trying to be strong. But my words broke as I spoke them.
"You made, no...had sex with that gutter rat!" My Mother screamed as she jumped up. She got right next to me and practically forced me down with her eyes.
"Made love Mother. Jack and I made love. And I am not sorry. It was worth it. I want this baby. It's a part of Jack. He's never going to be back again Mother. This is something of his I can hold on to!" I screamed.
I was surprised at my own words Diary. I didn't know I felt that way until then. But now I know, that's how to do feel.
Mother looked up at me for a moment and then left. She went to her room and slammed the door shut. I sat down and started crying.
Now here in I am, in my room, with this journal in front of me. Looking back, I think everything I said was right. It's how I feel, and Mother should know the truth. Mother has been in her room for hours now. I am really scared. What is she going to do to me?
June 6th, 1912
Mother spoke to me this morning...
She came into the kitchen where I was…trying... to make breakfast. She made me sit down and sit down across from me. "I am giving you three choices Rose," she said icily. My hands shock and my whole body trembled. Mother stared at me. "You can either have an abortion and stay with me, go somewhere for seven or eight months and then give the baby up for adoption the moment it is born, or you may leave and never come back." I looked at her, my mouth wide open. "I'll give you till tonight to decide," she said. And then walked off.
What should I do diary? There is no way I am killing my baby. I would never do that. Besides, those procedures are unclean and bad. And they take forever to heal from afterward. I know because one of the girls, Kimberly, down the street in Philadelphia had one of them last year. She was just a year older then me when she got pregnant. Her parents forced her to have an operation. No one else knew but me. Kim wasn't even supposed to tell me. I was shocked when this happened. I wonder how she is now, she was really sick for a while afterward. And Adoption? Give my baby to someone else. Total Strangers. When I don't know what they will do to it. How they would treat Jack's child. I can't imagine. I suppose I should leave. But go where? I barley know how to live by myself, let alone with a child. And what would I tell people. They wouldn't look very kindly on me if I told them the child was illegitimate. But telling them I was widowed will also raise a lot of questions. Oh, what am I going to do?
Later
I have decided to leave. I am not killing my baby and I am not giving it away. Now I just have to tell Mother. And decide what else to do. What am I going to tell people?
June 7th, 1912
I told Mother my decision this morning. Now I am leaving for a little town outside of San Francisco, California first thing in the morning. Near San Francisco no one will know me. And I don't think most people will ask questions. If they do, I will just tell them that the Father is dead. Which is true. There is no need to tell them that its Father and I were not married. I am so scared Diary. I don't know the first thing about babies. I can barley take care of myself. I suppose I will just have to manage. Mother hasn't said anything to me since yesterday.
June 8th, 1912
I left this morning. Now I am sitting on this goddamned train, trying to write. When she dropped me off at the train station this morning, Mother gave my some money this morning (she didn't know I had all the money from Cal) and then said "Goodbye" before walking off. I was so scared; I still am. This is the first time I have been really alone. Well, alone except for my baby. My and Jack's baby. The thoughts that I have part of Jack living inside of me makes me go on. I am trying to look at this as an adventure; for baby and me. But it's hard. Come...be with me Jack...I need you....
June 11th, 1912
I arrived in "San Francisco" this morning. Although it's not really San Francisco. I forget the actual name of the town. The population is only about 1000 people; it's quite small. Anyway, I am now living in this boarding house. The people here know of my "condition" as they call it, but they believe my husband died. I am trying to figure out how to explain no ring on my finger. Maybe I shall buy one tomorrow to wear around. People wouldn't ask so many questions now. So far, no one has noticed my ring-less finger. But they will soon, if I don't do something. And since this is a small town, people will talk. Oh dear, I can just imagine.
The room here is not very nice, nor the house. The room only has a small pathetic bed, one small window, and that's about it. There is a small dresser, but it's horrible. The drawers are falling apart and the whole thing looks as if it is going to collapse. There is not even a closet and its freezing here! I mean, its June and in this room it feels as if its November in North Canada
I feel so lost. I have no job, no money of my own. God knows how long I will last at this place. All my belongings in the world fit in one simple bag. The only thing that keeps me going is my baby. All I want is what's best for it. In this place and what I live on, I hope its growing all right and turns out okay. Please God, you can do anything else...just don't take my baby away from me.
June 12, 1912
I bought a ring. A simple gold band that I wear on my left hand and it looks like a wedding band. I hope no one noticed that I didn't have it on yesterday.
June 13th, 1912
Oh dear God. Get me out of this house. It's disgusting here. The men are all burping, sleazy, people covered in grease. And they try to come on to every available woman they see. Even pregnant ones! Most of the women are all right, there is one girl who is really nice. Her name is Julie Webster and she is really quite sweet. She is going to collage in San Francisco and is staying here. We got to talking yesterday, since she is the only single lady here. Julie is 18 and very grown up for her age. Anyway, besides her, it is horrid here. Like is said, it's freezing. And the walls are so thin! There is a couple next door to me, and last night it was...well...not pleasant to be able to hear them. I am going out to look for a job tomorrow!
June 15th, 1912
Well...I finally found a job. There is a problem though. It's in Santa Monica. When I think about it...I really want to go to Santa Monica. I mean...it's where Jack and I dreamed about going. Where he was going to show me how to ride horses in the surf! Like a man! But just get up and move again? Hmmm...What should I do...I'm confused...really confused. Oh yeah, the job is working in a theater…ushering and selling tickets. Not much...but it pays good. And maybe I can work my way up to something, like an actress there. Or a drama teacher.
I've been sick the last few mornings. I think other boarders have learned to stay out of the bathroom after I have been there in the morning. Hehe.
June 17th, 1912
I talked to the theater where the job is being offered. The man said he didn't want me now, since my "condition" (I had to tell the man, he asked right of. And what would have happened if I got the job and then he found out I was pregnant. Can we say fired!) Anyway, the man was really nice though and said that if I really wanted the job, he would give it to me in February and just get someone else to fill in until then! I told him yes, I would do it. So as soon as my baby if born we are moving down to good old Santa Monica!
When I was down there, I found a horse stable that lets you rent horses to ride on the beach. I paid to do this and then, shaking and trembling, climbed into the horse they gave me. A horse by the name of Sunset. I thought the name was perfect. Anyway, I rode that horse the way Jack and I talked about. Like a man. Off into the sunset, where I talked to Jack in my mind for a long time. As I was returning back, the man at the stable told me to pose and he would take a picture. So I did. The picture should turn out lovely; with the horse, ocean surf, and the pier in the background. Someday I will go to that pier. With my baby. And we'll ride the rollercoaster till we throw up. Just like Jack and I would have.
June 18th, 1912
I found a job here, just to do until I move. It's working in a cafe, not much. But its a start. And they take me in my "condition." Julie works there, and a nice boy (about the only one) in the boarding house. Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about my baby these past two days. And I just realized that I need to think of names. Oh, I know, it's early yet. But I should start thinking right. And what about baby clothes? And cribs? And...All that other stuff that goes with babies. Oh my god. I know nothing! Oh shit, what I am getting myself into! Mmmmm....Jack help me!
July 4th, 1912
Independence Day! Wow, my first Independence Day being really free! I mean, really free. I feel so happy...and free. Hehe. My baby is growing...I can tell. I am mostly over my morning sickness, thank God. But I still feel dizzy and queasy some mornings. I'm not showing yet, I wonder when I will begin to. I don't know these things. Mother never really let me be around people who were pregnant. I only saw them when they were close to 9 months along. I am still not sure why she did this. I go a doctor in San Francisco tomorrow. He will be able to answer these questions for me. I hope.
July 15th, 1912
I have not been writing in this as much. Sorry. Work just leaves me so tired. And everything else is getting to me. Pregnancy, for one. I am entering my 3rd month now. And I am over my sickness now. This is joy to me. Finally, i can get up without feeling like I am going to pass out! The doctor told me what to expect over the next few months. I can't believe i thought I would be showing in the 2nd month. Just shows how much I don't know. Anyway, he told me when the baby should start moving and when I should start to show. Things like that. Oh, and what to expect when I go into labor. I don't think I will need that any time soon, but Doctor Hansen told me just in case I go into early labor or something. He said that the baby is growing perfectly. Mmmmm....thank you Jack for giving me this baby. And my new life. I love you Jack.
July 20th, 1912
I am sick of work! This bastard came in today and propositioned me right in the restaurant! I didn't know what to do! Thankfully, a coworker there noticed something was going on and came over. He drove the man away and then told me to take a break. I ran out of the restaurant and ended up by the ocean. I cried my eyes out for a half-hour. I need Jack to hold me so bad. I need his body. If he were here, I wouldn't have this problem! Strange men wouldn't be coming onto me and people who know about my "condition" wouldn't be giving me weird looks! I wish he were here. God dammit! I want Jack! I want him here, now. In my arms. Telling me it will be all right. I miss you Jack. I miss you so much it hurts. My body longs for yours. I need you.
July 27th, 1912
I have recovered from my episode at work. I realize all that stuff that I was saying about Jack is true though. I need him so much. I love him more then anything. I would give almost anything to have him back.
August 2nd, 1912
I went to the library today. Something to get my mind off of everything. And I do mean everything. Work, missing Jack, this awful boarding house. The only thing I don't want to forget is the memories of Jack, and about my baby. Anyway, I got some good romance novels. Stuff that my Mother would have considered "trashy." You know the ones. With titles like "Night's Passion" and "Secret Lovers." Oh, if Mother could see me now. But I have been getting into them...reading them after work and before work while I am in the bathroom. Other places as well, like on my lunch break. People must think I am rather odd, but oh well. This is all part of my new freedom!
August 13th, 1912
I am coming up on the 4th month mark. I should start to show a little bit here soon. Julie say's she can't tell I am pregnant yet, but I think I look different. My breasts are tender and kinda swollen. And the rest of my body seams puffy. Julie just hadn't seen me before, that's it. Julie and I have become really good friends over the months. It's wonderful to have someone to talk to again. And by again I mean since Jack. I never talked to anyone before that. And my Mother can tell you that anyway.
August 17th, 1912
My baby grows. I went in again today for a check up. The doctor wanted to see me often because of be being a "widow" and what I went through. And with me working and stuff, he worries that I will overdo myself. Plus, my living conditions and diet aren't exactly the most healthily. At the boarding house, if you are not at the breakfast table at 6, no food until lunch. And half the time, I am tired from work and don't get up in time for breakfast. But then I just grab something at work. The food is disgusting at the house. Moldy bread for toast, bruised and brown fruit, undercooked meat. I have begun eating more at work then at home. Or Julie and I will go out and eat once a week. I think they all wonder where I get all this money I keep spending. I am set for life, they just don't know it. I like the idea of working though. Makes me feel like I am doing something for myself. And I always spend my earned money before I go to Cal's money. Always.
August 25th, 1912
It's really hot today. And it has been for the past week. Oh dear, this stuffy atmosphere is starting to get to me. I slept in my under-things last night and that was it. Thank God I have a lock on this door of mine. If the men in this boarding house knew that I slept like that, they would be at my door in a moment. Too bad Jack isn't here, I would open my door for him in a moment. Course, if Jack was here, I am sure he would have seen me in fewer things then my underwear!
September 1st, 1912
Life rolls on. I am slowly getting used to getting up early to get to breakfast on time and getting to work with some energy. I have gotten used to the looks and occasional questions. People have begun to accept me as well. Too bad I am leaving in a few months! The only people I will miss are Julie and a co-worker from work, James Calvert (the one who lives in my boarding house). He's the one who helped me when those men came after me at work.
September 17th, 1912
I just realized I am begging to show! Not much, and no one would be able to tell if they didn't know that I was pregnant. But I am showing! There is a little mound on my stomach! My baby! I am so excited. I started crying. It was funny. I was at work and I walked by a mirror. I glanced at myself in a profile view and there it was, physical proof of my baby. Right they're in front of me. Like I said, I started crying and took a break. Julie was so excited for me when i pointed it out to her when she came in for lunch. And James was happy for me, although he didn't share my and Julie's enthusiasm. Oh my little baby. Jack's child. It grows inside of me. I love it already. My little darling.
September 21st, 1912
Ugh! This awful boarding house. I don't think I could ever complain enough about it. The walls are too thin! I can hear everything. I can hear the couple next door when they are having "quality time" and when they are having arguments. And on my other side there is a man who always comes in late at night, drunk as an Irish man on St. Patrick's Day. Excuse my expression. I lay awake so often, just thinking. It is too loud to focus on sleep. I think about Jack, my baby, and my past life. How different things are now then they were a year ago. Never once last September would I have dreamed that by that date next year I would be free. Away from Cal, my Mother, that awful suffocating life. I also didn't think I would have met my soulmate, watched him die in one of the biggest disasters of all time, and then found out I was pregnant with his child. I didn't think I would be working in a restaurant, living in a shitty boarding house, or be living in California. How things have changed. It just goes to show you, things change fast.
October 5th, 1912
My eighteenth birthday.
October 6th, 1912
I had a good cry last night. For a lot of things. Mostly for Jack. I miss him. All I can think about is what he is missing-his life. And he gave it all up for me. For me! I woman he had known for two, three days. I don't think I will ever get over him, or what he did for me. My heart is just racing. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully get over Jack. And I like that idea. I don't want him to ever leave me.
October 10th, 1912
James and Julie gave me a "birthday party" the other day at work lol. They made me a small chocolate cake and at lunch break sang happy birthday to me. Then they took me out to lunch. I had such a wonderful time. Mr. Tallen, my boss, didn't even mind that we were a few minutes late getting back. Everyday my stomach grows larger. Sometimes I think I can feel the baby, but I don't know. I am not sure if what I feel is it.
October 13th, 1912
My baby kicked today! For the first time. A big strong kick that took me by surprise. I had just gotten up when I felt a fluttering in my belly. And then another! The baby had kicked. You can't even imagine how happy I was. Since Julie's room is just across the hall from mine, I ran out of the room, knocked on the door, and told her what happened. She put her hand on my stomach and the baby kicked again! We both started screaming. I think we woke the whole house up. Mrs. Marquis was not happy with us at all! Boy, did she have a fit. I am glad I am leaving in a few months.
October 15th, 1912
Nothing much has been happening this week (besides the first kick!). Julie, James, and I are going down to Santa Monica this weekend to go look for a house or apartment for me. I hope I can find one that overlooks the ocean. With a deck or balcony. And a little yard for my baby to play in.
October 25th, 1912
I have found a house! Over looking the Pacific Ocean, just like I wanted. The house is quite small: three bedrooms and a bathroom are upstairs, a livingroom, kitchen, dinning room, and "mud room" are downstairs. It is bigger then my home now though. And it really isn't bad, considering it will just be two of us living there. Here is my favorite part; there is a deck off the back of the house (the part that faces the ocean) and before the ground turns into sand there is some grass. Perfect. I told the man that I would buy it, but would not be moving in until February. Actually, I was thinking about calling the man back and saying I could move in next week. But when I went to the doctor yesterday and mentioned this, he said no moving until after the baby was born. I am not even supposed to go to work as often. "Only three times a week, and only in the afternoons," he said. But anyway, the man who I am buying the house from said that it is fine if I move in February and that it was better because it gave him more time to find another house. Julie said now I have to start buying baby things. Ohh, I am getting so excited!
October 31st, 1912
I have gotten so big! My stomach just bulges out in front of me. Dr. Hansen said I probably won't get bigger, since he said I look like I am nine months along already. But then he said that normally I would get bigger. So I don't know. Maybe this kid is just going to be big like his Daddy. Oh yes, its Halloween today. Mother never really let me celebrate Halloween. She always said it was a "poor man's holiday." Now I see how much fun I missed. I am not going to let my baby grow up like I did. He or she will be able to go out and trick or treat for treats. And have fun. I won't stop the child unless he or she is doing something illegal or unsafe.
November 12th, 1912
I have been shopping for the past few days. And I am sick of it already! I still have a lot to do too. The things I have bought I am keeping in storage until January when I will ship it all to Santa Monica. Julie is going to help me settle in, since I will be in my ninth month and probably not feeling the best. But I do not want to dump everything on her. Ugh! This is turning into a nightmare.
I'm having a hard time right now. Everything I see reminds me of Jack. And hearing everyone talk about Thanksgiving and Christmas even, and being with their family's makes me think of the complete family Jack and I will never be. I'll have our child. But the child's father will never be here. There will never be the family picture with Mother, Father, and baby. There will never be the Christmas dinners or mornings with the Mom and Dad smiling at their child as it gets excited. The family picnics, trips, fights, dinners, camp-outs. Jack will never be able to be like that with us. I don't even have a picture to show Jack's child of what its Father looked like. Even if I ever do get re-married, it will never be the same. I don't think I could love any man like I loved Jack. It will never be there again. And I don't think I could stand to have someone else take Jack's place as a father to this child. Jack will be my first, and only, true love.
Thanksgiving Weekend, 1912
I am sitting in my boarding house room, watching people outside go to their family dinners. Julie is going back to Chicago, where her parents live, for the week. She offered to take me with her. But I didn't want to go. I would rather be alone with my baby. And Jack. Most of all, my thoughts. I need to be alone with them right now....
December 1st, 1912
I saw the doctor today. He was talking to be about what will happen exactly when the baby is born. Its gunna hurt like hell diary. Oh, but it will be worth it. I will have some physical part of Jack with me again. I've been thinking about names. Here is my list.
Boys
Jack
Nicholas (Nick)
Kyler
Robert (after my Father)
John
Girls
Maureen
Juliet
Elizabeth
Kathleen (Kate)
Josephine
That's about it. I am not sure about my favorites yet. I guess I will see what the baby looks like and then decide on a name. Or maybe just pick out of a hat. I don't know yet.
December 3rd, 1912
My Mother's birthday. I wonder what she is doing right now.
December 5th, 1912
I have been baby-clothes shopping! I found some really cute things that a boy or a girl could wear, since I don't know what I am having. Oh, and Julie is helping me make a blanket! Actually, two, since she said babies will need more then one. Of course, this makes since. She has a little sister, who was born when Julie was thirteen, so she remembers these things.
December 10th, 1912
Ugh! I have gotten so big. Even bigger then I was before! I can barley walk. And it looks very funny when I do so. Just about a month to go...
Tomorrow is my last day at the cafe. Julie and James both said I better look out. I wonder what that means.
The baby is moving a lot now. So much that I can barely stand it sometimes and I have to sit down. This little one sure is active.
December 15th, 1912
Its been eight months this morning. Eight months since I lost Jack. Dear God, why did you have to do this too me. Every night I see Jack when I am sleeping. And I know he is with me all the time. But I wish he were here in the flesh. So I could physically touch him (not that I don't touch him in my dreams!) I guess, when I think about it though, I don't mind waiting 80 years to see him again because then I will have him for eternity. I mean, I do mind. But-oh never mind.
December 16th, 1912
I forgot to tell you what Julie and James did for me my last day of work! I arrived early like the told me to do and when I walked in the door there was a big sign saying "Congratulations! We Will Miss You!" It was a baby shower/ going away party! I was so happy and excited. They got me gifts, and there was a cake, and even Mr. Tallen gave me a present from him and his wife. I now have more baby clothes then I know what to do with, stuffed animals galore, and even a baby carriage (thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Tallen).
I had a strange dream last night. Jack came to me and led me out to the ocean. We were standing on a dock, looking out at the water. I wasn't pregnant anymore, which was odd. Jack whispered in my ear, "Be prepared, two are in your future." And then he was gone. 'Two are in your future'????? I have been thinking about this all day, trying to figure out what it means. I have no idea really. Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe I am just freaking out about nothing.
Christmas Eve, 1912
Not much by way of a holiday. Julie and I went to James's parents house earlier today. Julie was supposed to go up to Chicago again, but the tracks are too icy. Anyway, we had an early supper and then returned to the boarding house. In the sitting room downstairs is a small tree that Mr. and Mrs. Marquis put up. They bought a gift for everyone to open up tomorrow as well. Earlier James, Julie, and I exchanged gifts ourselves. I cave Julie some new books, a nice hat, and a few other little things. To James I gave a copy of Much Ado About Nothing (since he is into Shakespeare) and another book by which the name I don't remember. It had something to do with the Civil War. Julie gave me in return a set of really nice couch pillows for my new home and a romance novel that she promises is 'the best I'll ever read.' James gave me a set of bookshelves that his father made. Oh, it is wonderful to have good friends such as James and Julie around. I do hope they will come and visit or I can visit them once I move away.
Christmas Day, 1912
All I can think about is Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. All I see is Jack. All I taste is Jack's kisses. All I smell is Jack's skin. I think I am going crazy. My baby has been moving so much today. I think it knows its Christmas. Merry Christmas baby Dawson! Anyway, today was busy! I was awoken at 6:30 AM by Julie and James storming in, shouting "Happy Christmas Rose!" and then they forced me to get up. And then, without even bothering to let me take a shower or anything, they dragged me downstairs. I did have fun though. It reminded me of the one Christmas back in like 1901. I was six at the time. My Mother and Father took me to my cousin's house. Now, my Aunt Susan is famous for being the black sheep of the family. She was my Dad's only sister. And she married someone who her parents considered "low- class." But, oh she was so nice. And so fun to be around. Once, just once, we went to their house. My cousins Sarah, Hannah, and Thomas were raised very differently then I. So you can imagine what they led me to do. I got in so much trouble once we got home, but it was worth it. We were up at 4 AM on Christmas morning, driving everyone crazy. We were screaming and yelling all day. And we got muddy and dirty. It was so much fun! Oh, I smile just remembering it. Anyway, I havn't seen them since that day. All my cousins except for Sarah were older then I am, so I suspect they are all married. Maybe I will try to find them someday. Not now though. I hope my baby has fun Christmas's like that. After the morning of yelling and screaming (haha) we had a brunch break. Oh, so much food. I ate so much. But then again, I am eating for two now aren't I? All day long everyone was nice to everyone else. I hadn't had such a wonderful day in a while. Except for the Jack thing. I can't get him out of my mind, like I said before. This would have been our first Christmas together. We would have been talking about the baby and planning things. And that mistletoe downstairs would have come in pretty handy. I think I will put this away and go to sleep, so Jack can take me away and love me like I know he did and anyways will.
December 31st, 1912
New Years Eve! Here's to a new and hopefully happier 1913!
January 3rd, 1913
The finally countdown to when the baby is born begins. It's going to be more or less about ten days from now. I think (and hope) that I am ready. I have all the things I am sure I need for a baby. And Julie and James (who volunteered) are going down this weekend to start and set things up at my house. I terribly want to go with them, but the doctor said no way. I am so big now! I have never seen anyone as huge as I am. I look as if I am going to explode. I don't do much now a days. Just lie around and read (remember those trashy novels hehe) and get up three times a day for meals. Julie comes in after her morning classes, before she goes off to work. And then after work, she comes in and tells me how everyone is. James stops in every once in a while. He really is fun to talk to. I've been telling them how I want to baby's room to be set up. I want to rocking chair that I bought facing the window. The window faces the ocean, which is why I love the room. I would like the crib on the left and the chest-of-drawers on the right. With the changing table next to the crib. Oh, and I have so many other things to describe. I could go on for days. I can't wait to get down there in February and look at it!
January 11th, 1913
The final days are here. The doctor warns me that it could be any day now. He came over and was teaching me how to breathe. I am getting more scared everyday. What if something happens to me??? Ugggg! I am so worried. Oh, but I am excited too. My feeling are so mixed up. I do have my names picked out though. And you diary, will just have to wait for my decision!
January 12th, 1913
Just for the record, I feel like crap. I wish Jack were here.
January 13th, 1913
Any day now!! Julie is so funny, the way she is worried about me. She has even taken a few days off of work to be with me. I told her not to, but would she listen??? No! She still has morning collage classes though, so she is not driving me crazy all day. Hehe. Just kidding, I really do love having her around. She and James got my house all set up. They said it looks wonderful. I am so thankful for them for doing that. I can't even tell them enough. James said just look at is an early birthday present and I laughed. The baby's movements have slowed down. I wonder if that means anything. The doctor didn't mention that. I still feel horrible. And I didn't sleep well last night. I don't think I will tonight either.
January 16th, 1913
I am now a Mother! And I know now what Jack meant by the 'two in your future dream.' On the 14th I gave birth to not one Dawson child, but two! Twins! Can you belive it. Oh, I am so happy. I can't even put it into words. Nicholas Jack Dawson and Maureen Anastasia Dawson were born at about 10:10 in the evening on January 14th. They both weighed 7lbs, 8 oz. And then were over twenty inches long! Big little babies if you ask me. Maureen had been hiding behind her brother while they were inside me, which is why no one had any idea about the twins. I was sitting at home, quietly reading that afternoon. I had been feeling very different. And once in a while I felt what I thought was a contraction. Well, then my water broke. I was so scared diary. I cried out for Julie and she came in. Everything happened fast after that. The next thing I knew I was in bed with the doctor next to me. Julie was allowed to stay in the room and help, which I thank God for. It was a short labor (I am told) and by ten I had delivered the first baby. The doctor was not kidding when he said it would hurt! Ohh my, did it hurt! I screamed and yelled and called out Jack's name. It was horrible. Nicholas was born first and right away I knew that there was another. I was to much in pain and to tired to even think about the fact that I didn't know about the other baby. Ten minutes later, Maureen was born. The doctor put both of them in my arms and I just looked at them. Jack's children were finally in my arms. They are such strong, healthy babies. They both have soft strawberry-blond hair that I am sure will change. No one believes me, but I had blond hair when I was little. And when Jack and I talked one time, he said he had that he had brown hair until he was two. I guess we will just have to wait and see. One thing is certain though, they do have Jack's eyes. Jack's wonderful, crystal, sharp, intelligent blue eyes. Both are asleep next to me right now. And Maureen just sighed softly. She is so beautiful. Just like I always imagined my daughter would look like. And she has the birthmark of the DeWitt Bukators; it is right under her right breast. As far back as my great-great-grandma Anastasia (where Marueen's middle name comes from) all the women in my Mother's line have had the birthmark. Nick has a mark too. Right above his left leg. Odd place, I thought. I have been trying to remember if Jack had a birthmark. But I cannot recall any such thing. Nicholas's middle name is explainable. I was thinking about having his first name be Jack, but then I thought, everytime I looked at the child and called his name, I would see his father and my mind would go crazy. I like the name Nicholas Jack. I think it suits the boy. The name Nicholas comes from my grandfather, just for the record. And Maureen's first name comes from my Mother's middle name. Mother never was my favorite person, nor did I ever like the name Ruth. But oh I love her middle name. I always said that if I had a daughter I would name her Maureen. And so I did. I could go on forever, talking about every single inch and detail of them. Maureen Anastasia and Nicholas Jack Dawson. I wonder what the world has in mind for these two new additions. I guess we will wait and see!
January 19th, 1913
I finally got "up" today. If you count getting out of bed to take a shower and the climbing back into bed up. But it did feel nice. James surprised me by saying he bought another baby crib and had it set up in the nursery at my house. I was so happy! I started crying and James looked embarrassed. Maureen and Nicholas are doing well. The doctor who delivered them came by today to check on us today. He said they are doing beautifully and look as healthy as he had ever seen a baby. I wanted to kiss him for saying that, but I didn't. I have been terribly worried that I will hurt my children somehow. They sleep a lot; so do I. I can't wait to move down to our new house! Good thing it has three bedrooms!
February 1st, 1913
I am up and moving around! Taking care of Nick and Maureen. Julie has been teaching me how to cook, something I will need when I move in a week.
February 9th, 1913
I am officially in my new home! Oh, Julie and James have done a wonderful, brilliant job with it. Just like I wanted. Julie surprised me by coming down last night, saying she would stay for a week. I told her no way, she had already done enough. But she said she had nothing better to do at home and could afford to take a week off from school and work.
February 10th, 1913
I just got back from getting up with Maureen and Nick. They both woke up at the same time, thank god. I got up and nursed them. And then sat in my rocking chair that faced the ocean. As I was rocking and singing them back to sleep, I thought about Jack. How proud he would have been of his two children. I realized that I need to be there for them. Be strong, since they don't have a Daddy around. They need to know that their Mother loves them with all her heart and soul. But, oh, how I wish Jack were here. I miss him more each day. And I don't think there is a night that goes by when I don't see him in my dreams. And I don't think a day will ever pass when I don't think of him and then have tears fill my eyes. But with these two children, I'll keep a major physical part of him with me. And that helps to ease the pain. I love Jack Dawson, diary. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. And someday, we'll all be a family. Together in heaven.
The End!