Stand Here With You
By: The Lady Priscilla Violet Regina
Warnings: Yaoi, extreme angst. Oh, and also: This is a Songfic, so beware!
Rating: PG-13 for light language, depressing situations, death, complex plot development
Disclaimer: If owned them, I'd have to smack them in the head for not expressing their feelings better! *grin*
Song used: Everything, by Lifehouse
words: regular narrative
"words": dialogue
/words/: song lyrics
words: emphasis
* * *
I see them, all around me. Crying. Crying and moaning and clutching at their hearts and pulling familiar and even unfamiliar faces towards them to embrace. I make my way through the crowd, which has become hazy, as thought a mountain valley mist has settled in. To the left, family members...to the right, friends. They all wear the same expression on their faces.
There...
I see him...
There he is.
It's been so long since I've felt his body next to mine, felt his hand firmly grasp my own in assurance, or just to show that he cared. It's been so long since I've heard his voice...
At least, it feels that way.
It's really only been a few days, but to me...it's an eternity.
How will I survive without him for the rest of my existence?
/Find me here...
Speak to me...
I want to feel you...
I need to hear you./
* * *
No one could ever recreate the beauty he once held. No one. God only creates perfection once, and any imitation of said perfection is an insult.
Why am I here?
I don't know.
/You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace...
Again.../
Maybe it's the fact that I had to see his face just one more time...maybe it's because I know that without him...life will never be as sweet.
He taught me so much, you know. He taught me how to love, how to trust...how to live without fear. I never really understood what it was that brought me to such a peaceful state of mind when I was with him, yet I always noticed how quickly that faded when we were apart. A quick glance from him was enough to set my thoughts at ease, calm my pattering heart.
/You are the strength
That keeps me walking...
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting.../
I don't think anyone ever understood our relationship, and now that I think about it, I'm glad they didn't. I do not think it would be very fair for the rest of the world to comprehend something I most certainly couldn't.
Not fair at all.
Why did he have to choose this alternative, hmm? Why couldn't he have just stayed put, in a time where everything was stable? Routine, habit...these are the falsehoods of security. One thinks they are safe when they find a suitable pattern to follow, yet all it takes is one tiny glitch in the system, and your world comes crashing down around you.
/You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything.../
He found that one glitch and decided to exploit it, thinking it would better humanity...
Did he think it would affect our perfect little world?
Did he even consider what might happen to...
To...
Us?
Ah, I'm not being fair to him. Insulting his actions when he isn't here to defend them.
How rude of me.
It's just...
He never realized...
Never...
That I...
The one known for having a heart of stone covered in ice...
Would need him.
But I did, dammit.
I did, and still do now.
He was so beautiful...
/And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?/
* * *
My dear...
My little angel...
How ironic.
I never thought that i would be the one to leave first. I always figured it would be him, and I'd be where he is now...
Heartbroken.
I didn't want it to be this way! Why...why did life play such a cruel joke? I feel horrible, leaving him like I did.
How could anybody be so heartless?
I wish I could just reach out and...
Caress his face...
Feel his warm breath play along my fingertips as I mimic an expression he so many times did to me.
He was always so much stronger than I was. Always. His silence emanated wisdom and an unused power, something I envied.
He caught me so many times...
Kept me from slipping, from falling.
Why couldn't he have been there one last time?
/You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall.../
I still remember the last words he spoke to me...
"Be careful, and remember: I will always, no matter what happens, love you."
His sincerity, at times, was enough to make me cry. How could I be so blessed? I often asked myself. I felt it was a miracle to know him, that I was in a divine presence. His eyes, those jade pools of intense emotions I don't think even he understood, were my favorite places to become lost in. I could stare into them for hours, until my own eyes became dry and screamed for a break from the twin doors into his mind, an eternal abyss.
/You still my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in?
Would you take me deeper now?/
I stand so close to him now, so close I could almost reach out to ruffle his hair.
So close...
But I know he wouldn't feel it.
I could blow into his ear, as I used to so many times before, although I know he would dismiss it as a gust of wind.
I hope he forgives me.
/And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?/
* * *
He left me.
He left me...for someone else.
Someone better.
Better than me? I can understand that. No matter how good you are, there is always someone who bests you.
But better suited for him, better suited for his complex emotions and thought processes?
I'd like to see who could possibly know him better than I did, even after a lifetime of knowing him. That is one of the few things I pride myself in...understanding people. I may not fully understand myself, but give me a few days with somebody, anybody, and I will start finishing their sentences for them before you know it.
Especially him.
I got so close to him...it was amazing, even to me. We became inseparable...
/Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything...
Everything.../
* * *
I loved him so much.
So damn much...
I...
I just...
/Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything...
Everything.../
* * *
I don't know if I can stand to look at him anymore. That peaceful smile...
Almost as if he's happy.
He can't be.
Not like this, not here.
Not with Him.
/And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?/
I have to go.
Goodbye, my love...
My life...
Everything I've ever needed, and more...
Goodbye, Quatre.
"Hey man, where ya goin'? Aren't you staying for the--" Duo asks me, stopping me at the door. I shake my head. I can't stay, and I tell him as such. "Aw, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting..." He reaches up to brush a hand through his unnaturally limp hair, and the somber expression returns to his face. "Listen, if you need anything..."
I nod, although I think we both know I won't call. He gives me a grim smile, and rejoins the rest of the puffy-eyed group in the first row, leaning over to whisper something in Heero's ear. The man turns to give me an understanding glance, but I'm already out the door.
* * *
He's gone.
He didn't even say goodbye...
Not a glance...
Nothing.
Goodbye, Trowa.
May God keep you...
Keep you safe...
Until you can finally join us.
Goodbye.
/Would you tell me
How could it be...
Any better...
Than this?/
* * *
-Owari