A/N: Hahahaha! Well this is it the final stretch. Thanks again to all the people that reviewed. The MGS humor section is by far without peer so your reviews mean a lot to me. If I got Snake's last name wrong let me know and I'll correct it immediately.

Disclaimer: If you recognize it there's 100% chance I don't own it. Snake and Co. belong to Konami but the 'STSMFSTSS' is all mine baby!

Solid Snake Goes to the Proctologist Chapter 3


*~*The Wait*~*

While Snake was sitting in the comfortable chair he realized that he was bored.

"I knew I should have brought a book."

He looked over to the ubiquitous magazine rack to find something to occupy him. What did they have: Guns & Ammo, Soldier of Fortune, People, Better Homes & Gardens, and Parenting. What the hell?

While Snake was browsing through the magazines an attractive woman in an immaculate white nurse's uniform came through an adjoining door.

"David Sears?" She asked looking at Snake with that professional smile that all nurses have trained on their faces even though their feet are killing them.

"Yeah," Snake confirmed and smiled back.

The nurse's cheeks reddened. "Would you please follow me sir?"

"Sure." He put the magazine back on the rack and followed her through the door.

At the nurses' station she took his blood pressure and weight. Both of which were perfectly fine.

They then walked for a few minutes through various corridors until they finally reached the examination room.

"Okay, would you please have a seat?" She then busied herself by pulling new paper onto the examination table and then opened a drawer and pulled out a yellow, folded hospital gown.

"Please change into this Mr. Sears. We need you to remove everything... including your underwear." She then left and closed the door behind her.

Snake look at the hospital gown laying on the examination table with undisguised disdain. At hospitals they always wanted you on their terms...with your butt hanging out. "Well at least it's practical in this case," Snake thought ruefully. He quickly changed out of his clothes and put on the butter colored 'covering'.

"Damn it's cold in here," Snake voiced aloud as he felt a draft. "Why do hospitals have to be so damned cold?"

He folded his sweater neatly and placed it on the chair. He then took his slacks and carefully matched the seams of one leg with those of the other and neatly folded the pants over the chair's back. He then sat on the examination table.

He began to inspect the room. There was the usual chair the patient sat in which was considerably less comfortable than that of the doctors, garbage can, hamper, haz-mat receptacle, sink with the foot pedals, the big economy sized soap dispenser, latex glove holder, proctoscope, K-Y Gel. Proctoscope...K-Y Gel?

"Oh shit," Snake breathed and his eyes widened. Last night and this morning he knew he didn't want to come here... he knew it was going to be bad, but the totality of the... badness did not hit him until this moment. It didn't hit him until he saw those tubes sitting in their cardboard box and that catheter-like device they were going to stick up his arse.

Snake had to suppress his sympathetic system's 'flight or fight' response. So he did the only thing he could do; he gave himself a little 'pep talk'.

"Snake, stop acting like a little sissy! You eat Army Rangers for breakfast, then Navy Seals for mid-afternoon snack! You can do this!" he thought frantically.

He breathed a little easier momentarily, but then his imagination got the best of him.

"This is totally illogical Snake. Man, if Otacon and Meryl could see you now they would be so disappointed. You went up against a Hind D with only a Stinger missile launcher for cripe's sake. Not to mention the Metal Gear Rex. Yeah! That was you. Okay...I'm cool."


*~*The Doctor Arrives*~*

Not long after Snake got himself together and said the hell with it, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Snake said resignedly.

The door opened and a remarkably average man came in. He did not look as Snake expected a proctologist to look. Snake was expecting-hell he didn't know what-some perverse looking old man with age spots on his balding head and a rhinophymic nose. But this guy was just ordinary.

"Good afternoon Mr. Sears, I'm Dr. Hunter." He held out his hand, which Snake shook after deliberating a few seconds.

"Mr. Sears, I understand that this is you first visit here." He said in a questioning manner.

"Yeah."

"Well a lot of men make this seem like it's worse than hell, but if you relax it'll be over sooner than you think," he said encouragingly.

Snake decided not to respond to that and looked at the doctor witheringly.

"Well...uh I have a few preliminary questions for you Mr. Sears," he said hesitantly.

"Shoot."

"Have you had any problems with your bowel movements?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like have you experienced constipation and or diarrhea?"

Snake thought for a moment...well there was that time Meryl tried to cook dinner. He was pretty sure that the doctor didn't mean that.

"No," Snake said.

"Have you experienced any pain while eliminating your bowels?"

Well, again there was that time Meryl tried to cook dinner but that was an isolated incident. Snake and Otacon had even gotten seconds on it to make her feel better.

"No," Snake repeated.

"Have you had any problems urinating?"

"No."

"Not experiencing any pain?"

"No."

"Man of few words?" The doctor said chuckling.

"Yeah." Snake's mouth quirked into a smirk out of it's own volition.

"Okay, Mr. Sears would you please lay down and face the wall." Dr. Hunter said as he put on his latex gloves. The snap of the gloves echoed through the room. Snake's smile faded fast.

Dr. Hunter rearranged Snake's gown even more for easier access. As he was doing this there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Dr. Hunter said. "By the way Mr. Sears this procedure will be observed by three interns.

Snake felt his face get hot. "Someone's got to die," he thought venomously.


*~*Back at Home*~*

Snake returned from the appointment at 4:20 He had smoked about 5 cigarettes on the way back home. He decided he needed to take a rest. He'd been through a lot today. He figured he had time for a quick nap before Meryl and Otacon got back from work.


*~*What's the Verdict?*~*

It was 6:30 when Otacon and Meryl returned to the apartment. Snake resting on the couch was the first thing they saw. Meryl approached him and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

"When's the appointment?" she asked softly.

"I've already been."

"Really?" Otacon asked.

"Yeah, I was surprised too," Snake replied honestly.

"So how did it go?" Otacon asked his friend worriedly. Snake was never one to 'lounge'.

Snake laughed. "I'm doing great. Everything's in the clear."

"Great Snake! What was it like?" Otacon always inquiring.

"Uncomfortable, but you'll know in a few years." Snake grinned at him archly. "I'm starving, let's go get something to eat."

"Where to?" Meryl asked cautiously.

"I feel like eating ....healthy. Let's go get some Chinese food."

Meryl rolled her eyes "Alright, buster."

Otacon got Snake's coat and threw it at his best friend's head.

THE END!!!!



A/N: Whoo hoo! I finished. I really enjoyed writing this story. I hope you guys liked it too. How many times did "Snake say 'Yeah', I stopped counting. Poor Snake! There was one point in this story where I was going to have Snake really spaz out but it didn't quite fit. So maybe in another story. If you liked it review. If you hated it...review!!!