A/N: This is based on a dream I had. In fact, it almost word for word
follows the dream...believe it or not. This is, sadly, the way my dreams
usually are, though. They are stories in their own right. Anyway, I'm
billing this as my "make fun of people and take out any frustrations I've
ever had" fic so enjoy...and stuph.
WHAT'S UP WITH THE RATING?: PG-13 for some suggestive content. WAH.
Our Good Friend MR. DISCLAIMER: They're mine, all mine! I bought out Cameron/Eglee Productions! Muahahahahahahahaha...ha...ha...heh...okay, fine, I lied.
*******
Oh, this was a happy day...sort of.
Max had found a cure, you see. No, not for cancer, for the infamous Holy Shit I Can't Touch You Good Potato the Sexual Frustration is Killing Me Ahhh No Help Me God virus. Unfortunately, it was temporary, and in two hours the HSICTYGPtSFiKMANHMG virus would return.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "That's already been done, Kim! Ya stupid...STUPID!" I realize this, people. In fact, that's probably the reason I had this whacked out dream in the first place. But for my purposes, here, let's just pretend "Borrowed Time" never happened, 'k? It was a steaming piece of monkey poo as far as I'm concerned, anyway, and in my oh-so-not-humble opinion what follows would have been far more entertaining.
Moving on, Max was, needless to say, heading over to Logan's as quickly as her Ninja (of doom) could carry her. There was no time for romance, NO! The SML was going to have to start immediately...she was seriously considering jumping him and pinning him down without initial explanation. "Oh, sorry, I was in heat," she could later say, and he would be forever confused as to why he wasn't dead. Oh, sure, she could just come out and tell him the truth, but that would depress him and make him act like a 3-year-old so lying about it was definitely the way to go.
She pulled up to Foggle Towers and broke into the penthouse (of doom) as usual and began sneeeeeaking around (Yes I meant to put that many "e's" in there, SHUSH!). If she caught him completely off guard, he might not even notice it was her! WAH! Excellence! Then he wouldn't freak...wait, actually, if he was supposed to care about her, wouldn't a lack of freakage be a bad thing? Er...um...hmmm. Oh well, at least she'd get sex.
Or maybe not.
He wasn't home, it appeared. It appeared even more so when she found the following note by his computer:
~Dear sweet wonderful Max with whom I don't have that kind of relationship (I SWEAR!),
It turns out that Lydecker is alive, and I have gone to the Manticore parking lot which is exactly an hour and 45 minutes away from here to do something excitingly doomified to his exciting car (of doom). If you can, it would be very exciting (but not in that way!) if you joined me after reading this note.
Love forever and ever with strawberries and whipped cream (but only as a friend!),
Logan~
"Grrr!" she yelled at the note. That would only leave 15 minutes for ritualistic consummation! Even less because of the time it took her to look through the penthouse (of doom) and read this note! She crinkled it up and threw it at nothing in particular.
"Grrr!" she yelled at the crumpled ball, stomping her foot. And then she was riding her Ninja (of doom) and speeding toward the Manticore parking lot.
"Grrr!" she yelled at some birds. They dropped dead from the shock of it.
Meanwhile, somewhere on the Arctic tundra (aka Transgenic Heaven), Tinga and Ben were having fun throwing gigantic X-5 snowballs at each other, while Brin was working diligently on an ice replica of Manticore. There was a sign near the Magical Floating Entranceway (of doom) warning the dead folk not to remove the barcodes of visiting transgens. Ben had freaked and done that once, and poor Krit had ceased to exist.
Suddenly, a familiar siren started wailing and red and blue lights started flashing. Ben did a happy dance.
"Pretty colors, pretty colors!" exclaimed he with glee (rhyme! YAY!) as he clapped his hands together. The door of the entranceway opened very slowly and dramatically... *insert mind-numbing suspense here* ...and in came...ZACK!
Everyone gasped, then ran over to him and began hugging him and asking him how he'd figured out where to find them. Ben started getting out his tattoo- removing tools but then Brin slapped him and pointed to the sign, so it was all good.
"Well, guys," Zack began, a tone of sadness in his voice, "unfortunately I had no idea you were here, or that this was where I was going. I'm not visiting, you see...I fell into a rather large wood chipper (of doom) and died."
There was more gasping! WOO!
"Wait, a wood chipper?" Tinga asked incredulously. "How in the world did that happen?"
Zack heaved a heavy sigh (of do...aw, frook it). "I shot myself in the head for Max. And then Manticore turned me into the Six Dollar Man, and I went psycho and tried to kill Eyes Only. So Max shorted out my memory and chose him over me, thereby banishing me to live a life of amnesia on a ranch."
MORE GASPING! Somebody make 'em stop, man! *cries*
"Well, that's not very nice at all!" Ben stated. Thank you, Captain Obvious!
"Yeah..." Tinga agreed, as she fell (seemingly) deep into thought. "Ya know...I died because she shattered the scary giant test tube I was in before checking my vitals and giving me back all my blood."
"Yeah! And I died because I told her not to let them take me back, so she snapped my neck!" Ben pointed out.
"And I died because I tried to strangle her, so she handcuffed me to a window and left me in the direct path of the DNA lab explosion!" Brin added with a huff. As realization dawned on them, the Golden Girl of Manticore started to seem a hell of a lot less golden. Puh, she wasn't even worth being considered a noble gas.
"Grrr!" they all grumbled in unison, the gears turning away.
*******
Max checked her watch anxiously as she roared into the Manticore parking lot. 10 minutes left...she'd made excellent time, and it STILL was only going to be barely enough. Creasing her brow in determination, she scanned the lot for Logan and found him by a very red and very old-fashioned looking Catalac. His hair looked like a cross between a squirrel's nest and the 'do of that guy from Flock of Seagulls, but oh well. She had scissors on hand.
Logan was running his hand over the car and his eyes were dark with desire when Max pulled up beside him. It scared her...the way it looked as though he were lusting over the car, I mean...but such things didn't matter right now. She had 9 minutes and 37 seconds left and she wasn't about to waste a minute of it.
Except Logan chose that moment to pull himself into the driver's seat of the car.
"Gahh!" Max exclaimed in frustration. She went quickly around and got in the passenger's side.
"Oh, my love!" Logan was saying to the steering wheel. "You are so smooth and round! Lydecker doesn't deserve you!"
Max's jaw threatened to drop to the floor of the cab. "WHAT?!"
He looked up, noticing her for the first time. "Oh, hello Max. Glad you could make it."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she said impatiently as she moved closer to him, so close he could feel her breath on his cheek. Aw, screw lying...she didn't have the time or the energy to lie. "Look, Logan, we don't have much time..."
"I know, I know." He checked his watch. "We only have 9 minutes and 4 seconds to drive this car around in circles before Lydecker comes out. Now, back off a little, would ya? I'm not really in the mood to die."
She didn't move; she couldn't. She was stunned into paralysis. "D...drive in circles?!" she screeched. "That's your 'excitingly doomified' plan?! That's your reason for dragging me out here and wasting precious time...to DRIVE IN FROLLY LUCKING CIRCLES?!"
Logan stared at her, utterly confused by her anger. "Yeah...what's your point?"
"Ugh!" A part of her still wanted to jump him, but he would probably push her away and he was acting like such a frooking guy, so she didn't. Instead she settled back into her seat and folded her arms across her chest.
"Max," Logan asked softly, suddenly feeling like an ass but not knowing why, "are you okay? Is there something you're not telling me?"
"Noooo, no," she insisted with clear and present danger (aggrivation, actually). She waved her hand at him in an airy and detached manner. "Go on and drive your stupid car." //Yeah, go ahead. Ruin my scree-ful plot. Make me more frustrated. See if I care//
He didn't feel right about it, but time was running out and she HAD given him permission, so he turned the key, which had been very conveniently left in the ignition by good ol' Deck.
They drove around for the rest of the remaining 7 minutes and 26 seconds, Logan whooping excitedly and Max feeling less like doing inappropriate things with him and more like kicking his lilly ass. She gripped the seat and gritted her teeth and mumbled things under her breath, with Logan completely oblivious.
Finally, they pulled back into the space in which the car had originally been parked and began to get out...just as Lydecker walked up.
"Hey! What the hell are you doing to my totally bitchin' car (of doom...ha, I can't resist!)?" he cried.
"Oh, uh...erm...um...eh...uh..." Logan stuttered. He turned to Max pleadingly, and she briefly considered getting him in trouble to pay him back for his extreme guy-ness but then decided against it.
"Chill out, it was stolen and we got it back for you. You really shouldn't leave your keys in the ignition, you know."
Luckily, a miracle happened and he bought it, which was definitely good because he had a gun and angry men with guns aren't too cool, and he gave them each a big Disney hug of gratitude. Everything was peachy, until they heard four rasping voices behind them. They turned to see Ben hobbling along with a broken leg and twisted neck, a shrapnel-filled Brin leaning on Ben's arm, a very weak and pale Tinga stumbling over her own feet in a black bikini, and a hunk of badly processed meat that kinda resembled Zack coming toward them.
"Um..." Max mumbled.
"You suck, Max!" Ben said as he wagged an accusing finger at her.
"Yeah! Die, bitch!"
Tinga lunged but collapsed from fatigue at Max's feet. The others soon followed suit, much to the confusion of the three living peoples. They looked at the dead folk, then to each other, then to the dead folk again, and decided it was probably best not to ask.
"So, um...YEAH! Why do you seem so disgruntled (HA, fun word!) toward me, Max?" Logan asked.
She sighed; guess this was the moment of truth. "Well, I found a cure for the HSICTYGPtSFiKMANHMG virus, but it only lasted for two hours, so while you were salivating over the...er, I mean...SAVING the damned car we could have been having amazing SML but now it's too late." To the surprise of both she and Lydecker, Logan started cracking up. I mean, the dude was nearly doubling over with luaghter.
"Oh my god...you mean to tell me...hahaha...that we could touch...hahaha...and I wasted...ha, hehe...our window of opportunity...*breath*...for a stupid car?"
"Not stupid, son; bitchin,'" Lydecker corrected.
Max simply nodded. Logan abruptly stopped laughing.
"Wow, that isn't funny."
But then Tiny Tim threw away his crutches and did a backflip and...
*******
Jessica Alba shot up in bed, breathing heavily. Holy frooking shit, what a nightmare.
"Er...*grumble*...what is it?" Micheal Weatherly asked as he sat up beside her.
"I just had the most awful dream. We were on this TV show together, and because of budget cuts they had to get all these new writers who couldn't write for crap and they chured out ridiculous stories about You Can't Touch Me viruses and genetic freaks and zombies and Tiny Tim, and they made you pick a car over me. And what's worse is I just realized that our names are really funny sounding and I don't like them at all."
He gulped nervously and rubbed her back. "Well, um...it was just a dream, heh! Silly dreams...just go back to sleep and you'll completely forget about it."
"Well...okay," she conceded as she settled back down. "Good night."
"Good night." He laid down, crossed his arms behind his head and stared up at the ceiling, not having the heart to tell her the truth. Boy, was she gonna be pissed in the morning...
THE END(of doom)!
WHAT'S UP WITH THE RATING?: PG-13 for some suggestive content. WAH.
Our Good Friend MR. DISCLAIMER: They're mine, all mine! I bought out Cameron/Eglee Productions! Muahahahahahahahaha...ha...ha...heh...okay, fine, I lied.
*******
Oh, this was a happy day...sort of.
Max had found a cure, you see. No, not for cancer, for the infamous Holy Shit I Can't Touch You Good Potato the Sexual Frustration is Killing Me Ahhh No Help Me God virus. Unfortunately, it was temporary, and in two hours the HSICTYGPtSFiKMANHMG virus would return.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "That's already been done, Kim! Ya stupid...STUPID!" I realize this, people. In fact, that's probably the reason I had this whacked out dream in the first place. But for my purposes, here, let's just pretend "Borrowed Time" never happened, 'k? It was a steaming piece of monkey poo as far as I'm concerned, anyway, and in my oh-so-not-humble opinion what follows would have been far more entertaining.
Moving on, Max was, needless to say, heading over to Logan's as quickly as her Ninja (of doom) could carry her. There was no time for romance, NO! The SML was going to have to start immediately...she was seriously considering jumping him and pinning him down without initial explanation. "Oh, sorry, I was in heat," she could later say, and he would be forever confused as to why he wasn't dead. Oh, sure, she could just come out and tell him the truth, but that would depress him and make him act like a 3-year-old so lying about it was definitely the way to go.
She pulled up to Foggle Towers and broke into the penthouse (of doom) as usual and began sneeeeeaking around (Yes I meant to put that many "e's" in there, SHUSH!). If she caught him completely off guard, he might not even notice it was her! WAH! Excellence! Then he wouldn't freak...wait, actually, if he was supposed to care about her, wouldn't a lack of freakage be a bad thing? Er...um...hmmm. Oh well, at least she'd get sex.
Or maybe not.
He wasn't home, it appeared. It appeared even more so when she found the following note by his computer:
~Dear sweet wonderful Max with whom I don't have that kind of relationship (I SWEAR!),
It turns out that Lydecker is alive, and I have gone to the Manticore parking lot which is exactly an hour and 45 minutes away from here to do something excitingly doomified to his exciting car (of doom). If you can, it would be very exciting (but not in that way!) if you joined me after reading this note.
Love forever and ever with strawberries and whipped cream (but only as a friend!),
Logan~
"Grrr!" she yelled at the note. That would only leave 15 minutes for ritualistic consummation! Even less because of the time it took her to look through the penthouse (of doom) and read this note! She crinkled it up and threw it at nothing in particular.
"Grrr!" she yelled at the crumpled ball, stomping her foot. And then she was riding her Ninja (of doom) and speeding toward the Manticore parking lot.
"Grrr!" she yelled at some birds. They dropped dead from the shock of it.
Meanwhile, somewhere on the Arctic tundra (aka Transgenic Heaven), Tinga and Ben were having fun throwing gigantic X-5 snowballs at each other, while Brin was working diligently on an ice replica of Manticore. There was a sign near the Magical Floating Entranceway (of doom) warning the dead folk not to remove the barcodes of visiting transgens. Ben had freaked and done that once, and poor Krit had ceased to exist.
Suddenly, a familiar siren started wailing and red and blue lights started flashing. Ben did a happy dance.
"Pretty colors, pretty colors!" exclaimed he with glee (rhyme! YAY!) as he clapped his hands together. The door of the entranceway opened very slowly and dramatically... *insert mind-numbing suspense here* ...and in came...ZACK!
Everyone gasped, then ran over to him and began hugging him and asking him how he'd figured out where to find them. Ben started getting out his tattoo- removing tools but then Brin slapped him and pointed to the sign, so it was all good.
"Well, guys," Zack began, a tone of sadness in his voice, "unfortunately I had no idea you were here, or that this was where I was going. I'm not visiting, you see...I fell into a rather large wood chipper (of doom) and died."
There was more gasping! WOO!
"Wait, a wood chipper?" Tinga asked incredulously. "How in the world did that happen?"
Zack heaved a heavy sigh (of do...aw, frook it). "I shot myself in the head for Max. And then Manticore turned me into the Six Dollar Man, and I went psycho and tried to kill Eyes Only. So Max shorted out my memory and chose him over me, thereby banishing me to live a life of amnesia on a ranch."
MORE GASPING! Somebody make 'em stop, man! *cries*
"Well, that's not very nice at all!" Ben stated. Thank you, Captain Obvious!
"Yeah..." Tinga agreed, as she fell (seemingly) deep into thought. "Ya know...I died because she shattered the scary giant test tube I was in before checking my vitals and giving me back all my blood."
"Yeah! And I died because I told her not to let them take me back, so she snapped my neck!" Ben pointed out.
"And I died because I tried to strangle her, so she handcuffed me to a window and left me in the direct path of the DNA lab explosion!" Brin added with a huff. As realization dawned on them, the Golden Girl of Manticore started to seem a hell of a lot less golden. Puh, she wasn't even worth being considered a noble gas.
"Grrr!" they all grumbled in unison, the gears turning away.
*******
Max checked her watch anxiously as she roared into the Manticore parking lot. 10 minutes left...she'd made excellent time, and it STILL was only going to be barely enough. Creasing her brow in determination, she scanned the lot for Logan and found him by a very red and very old-fashioned looking Catalac. His hair looked like a cross between a squirrel's nest and the 'do of that guy from Flock of Seagulls, but oh well. She had scissors on hand.
Logan was running his hand over the car and his eyes were dark with desire when Max pulled up beside him. It scared her...the way it looked as though he were lusting over the car, I mean...but such things didn't matter right now. She had 9 minutes and 37 seconds left and she wasn't about to waste a minute of it.
Except Logan chose that moment to pull himself into the driver's seat of the car.
"Gahh!" Max exclaimed in frustration. She went quickly around and got in the passenger's side.
"Oh, my love!" Logan was saying to the steering wheel. "You are so smooth and round! Lydecker doesn't deserve you!"
Max's jaw threatened to drop to the floor of the cab. "WHAT?!"
He looked up, noticing her for the first time. "Oh, hello Max. Glad you could make it."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she said impatiently as she moved closer to him, so close he could feel her breath on his cheek. Aw, screw lying...she didn't have the time or the energy to lie. "Look, Logan, we don't have much time..."
"I know, I know." He checked his watch. "We only have 9 minutes and 4 seconds to drive this car around in circles before Lydecker comes out. Now, back off a little, would ya? I'm not really in the mood to die."
She didn't move; she couldn't. She was stunned into paralysis. "D...drive in circles?!" she screeched. "That's your 'excitingly doomified' plan?! That's your reason for dragging me out here and wasting precious time...to DRIVE IN FROLLY LUCKING CIRCLES?!"
Logan stared at her, utterly confused by her anger. "Yeah...what's your point?"
"Ugh!" A part of her still wanted to jump him, but he would probably push her away and he was acting like such a frooking guy, so she didn't. Instead she settled back into her seat and folded her arms across her chest.
"Max," Logan asked softly, suddenly feeling like an ass but not knowing why, "are you okay? Is there something you're not telling me?"
"Noooo, no," she insisted with clear and present danger (aggrivation, actually). She waved her hand at him in an airy and detached manner. "Go on and drive your stupid car." //Yeah, go ahead. Ruin my scree-ful plot. Make me more frustrated. See if I care//
He didn't feel right about it, but time was running out and she HAD given him permission, so he turned the key, which had been very conveniently left in the ignition by good ol' Deck.
They drove around for the rest of the remaining 7 minutes and 26 seconds, Logan whooping excitedly and Max feeling less like doing inappropriate things with him and more like kicking his lilly ass. She gripped the seat and gritted her teeth and mumbled things under her breath, with Logan completely oblivious.
Finally, they pulled back into the space in which the car had originally been parked and began to get out...just as Lydecker walked up.
"Hey! What the hell are you doing to my totally bitchin' car (of doom...ha, I can't resist!)?" he cried.
"Oh, uh...erm...um...eh...uh..." Logan stuttered. He turned to Max pleadingly, and she briefly considered getting him in trouble to pay him back for his extreme guy-ness but then decided against it.
"Chill out, it was stolen and we got it back for you. You really shouldn't leave your keys in the ignition, you know."
Luckily, a miracle happened and he bought it, which was definitely good because he had a gun and angry men with guns aren't too cool, and he gave them each a big Disney hug of gratitude. Everything was peachy, until they heard four rasping voices behind them. They turned to see Ben hobbling along with a broken leg and twisted neck, a shrapnel-filled Brin leaning on Ben's arm, a very weak and pale Tinga stumbling over her own feet in a black bikini, and a hunk of badly processed meat that kinda resembled Zack coming toward them.
"Um..." Max mumbled.
"You suck, Max!" Ben said as he wagged an accusing finger at her.
"Yeah! Die, bitch!"
Tinga lunged but collapsed from fatigue at Max's feet. The others soon followed suit, much to the confusion of the three living peoples. They looked at the dead folk, then to each other, then to the dead folk again, and decided it was probably best not to ask.
"So, um...YEAH! Why do you seem so disgruntled (HA, fun word!) toward me, Max?" Logan asked.
She sighed; guess this was the moment of truth. "Well, I found a cure for the HSICTYGPtSFiKMANHMG virus, but it only lasted for two hours, so while you were salivating over the...er, I mean...SAVING the damned car we could have been having amazing SML but now it's too late." To the surprise of both she and Lydecker, Logan started cracking up. I mean, the dude was nearly doubling over with luaghter.
"Oh my god...you mean to tell me...hahaha...that we could touch...hahaha...and I wasted...ha, hehe...our window of opportunity...*breath*...for a stupid car?"
"Not stupid, son; bitchin,'" Lydecker corrected.
Max simply nodded. Logan abruptly stopped laughing.
"Wow, that isn't funny."
But then Tiny Tim threw away his crutches and did a backflip and...
*******
Jessica Alba shot up in bed, breathing heavily. Holy frooking shit, what a nightmare.
"Er...*grumble*...what is it?" Micheal Weatherly asked as he sat up beside her.
"I just had the most awful dream. We were on this TV show together, and because of budget cuts they had to get all these new writers who couldn't write for crap and they chured out ridiculous stories about You Can't Touch Me viruses and genetic freaks and zombies and Tiny Tim, and they made you pick a car over me. And what's worse is I just realized that our names are really funny sounding and I don't like them at all."
He gulped nervously and rubbed her back. "Well, um...it was just a dream, heh! Silly dreams...just go back to sleep and you'll completely forget about it."
"Well...okay," she conceded as she settled back down. "Good night."
"Good night." He laid down, crossed his arms behind his head and stared up at the ceiling, not having the heart to tell her the truth. Boy, was she gonna be pissed in the morning...
THE END(of doom)!