Harm's Apt.
North of Union Station
0545
I have to report for duty at JAG in about two hours. I highly doubt that I have even had two hours sleep tonight, no point in trying now though. I know I need my rest, but I am too tired to fight those nightmares. The last good nights sleep that I had was the night Mic had left Mac….
I had waited until I heard my shower turn on before I set about heating up the milk and digging out the powdered chocolate. I felt pain shoot through my ribcage as I stretched just a bit to far to grab a pot to heat the milk in, but it was nothing compared to the ache I felt in my chest for Mac. I had just started to pour the hot chocolate into our mugs when Mac emerged. She was dressed in a pair of my PT sweat pants and a well-worn 'Property of the United States Naval Academy' T-shirt. She looked so cute and comical I managed my first genuine smile in weeks. My telling her I had some sweats she could swim in was an understatement. It looked as if she had pulled up the elasticized cuffs of the sweats to just below her knees, letting the extra cloth hang down to cover her shins, and the Annapolis t-shirt, which was a bit roomy on me, hung to just above her knees and the sleeves covered most of her arms, but the sadness in her face and how she seemed to want to disappear within the folds of my clothes stopped me from any teasing remarks.
"Here, let me take those" Mac reached out and took the mugs into the living room. "You wait there, I'll be back to get you."
She was in full command officer mode and I caught a glimpse of the confident Marine I knew her to be. Besides if she is going to come back and wrap her arm around me, letting me lean against her, I don't mind being on the receiving end of her orders.
She helped me sit back on the couch, to my surprise sitting down right next to me. She leans forward with her elbows on her knees and her hands wrapped around her steaming mug, all her concentration on sipping the hot liquid. She startled me when she began to speak:
"I was so afraid that night."
"Mac, you found…."
"No, let me finish Harm, please?" She begged, lifting her eyes from her mug to meet mine. I nodded.
"I stood in front of my office window for most of those three hours, staring out at the rain, knowing you were out there in that storm, perhaps hurt, cold, and scared. I almost had myself convinced I could hear you calling for me. Then I was afraid that maybe you were…." Her voice caught and she returned her gaze to her mug. "I thought maybe you were gone. That you had gotten yourself killed because I wanted you to…, to be at my wedding. How could I explain that to your mother? How was I going to go on without my best friend?"
I took her mug and set it on the coffee table, then grasped her hands in mine. "It's over Mac, you found me." Funny, I could tell her not to worry, to let go of the fear, but it was still invading my dreams. "This is more than about that night though, talk to me….I am glad you still think of me as your best friend, because you are mine"
"Always, Harm. It…."
The phone rang and I reached over to pick it up. All intents being to tell the person on the other end to call back later.
"Hello?" I look at Mac and mouth the word 'Mic' to her, a question on my face. She nods and reached for the phone. "She's right here."
Mac took the phone and walked towards my kitchen, her back to me for the entire, mostly one-sided conversation.
"Mic, where are…." She fell silent for a few minutes. "Mic, we can… what do you….how did you know where…." I see her shake her head as she turns around. "What about your ring?" The first whole question he has allowed her to ask, and she is openly crying again. "Goodbye Mic" She hung up the phone and leaned back against the counter. I waited for her to speak.
"He's going back to Australia. He was at the airport, his flight boarding as he called me. He said he didn't want to be anyone's second choice and as much as he loved me, he couldn't… that it wasn't fair to either of us. He said he knew exactly where to find me because every time something is troubling me, I always run to you. That I always run to you." Her head dropped as she let her sobs overwhelm her.
I hauled myself up, limped to her side and pulled her into my arms.
"That is what I am here for Sarah. Whenever you need me. I was calling out for you that night." I murmur to her while she wept on my chest. Her arms had wound themselves around me and her hands were gripping me like she would drown if she let go. My ribs were not happy with this situation and my good leg was protesting at now having to support me, but most of Mac's weight as well. It didn't matter though. I had Sarah in my arms, and despite my physical pain and her emotional upheaval, it felt good.
After a bit, her sobs had slowed to soft intermittent weeping and I tilted my head back and to the side so I could look at her face.
"You really did love him, didn't you?" I didn't really want to hear the answer if this crying was any indication of her feelings for him.
"Asked and answered…. In a way I did, still do, but you were right when you told me perhaps I should reconsider who I was marrying. Better now than six months from now, right?" she sniffled. "You are as wet as I was when I came in Harm" She tried to joke. I took her subtle hint, decided to let the topic of Brumby and her now broken engagement drop.
"You needed this," I moved my head to indicate our embrace and my soaked shirt, "Like I said, that is what I am here for."
She leaned forward and placed her forehead back on my chest, right over my heart.
"You said something else too…." She let her statement hang, not wanting to push.
I tightened my arms around her, bringing one hand up to hold the back of her neck, reminiscent to our kiss on the Admiral's porch.
"I was calling out for you that night." It was my voice's turn to catch, so I tried her tactic. "I knew you could probably find me the way you did Chloe, I just figured I would be really hard for you to miss if I was screaming MAAAACCCC" I draw out her name in a mock scream, several hundred decibels lower that I am sure I was actually screaming out for her that night. I look down hoping for at least a little grin at that, but I don't get one.
"No, you weren't calling me Mac. You were screaming, calling me by my given name, Sarah and you were terrified" She says quietly, confidently, although starting to shake when she told me how I felt.
She was right and a chill ran through me. It wasn't that I didn't believe in Mac's clairvoyant talents, but it was all in the realm of the completely unexplainable to me and truth be told it was a little freaky, although in a good way. She knew. She knew exactly how I felt out in that water and how I called out for her. Too bad she couldn't see all my feelings regarding her, we probably wouldn't be in any of this mess right now.
Her eyes haven't left mine. I wonder what she sees and ask her. She thinks for a moment but I guess decides we are not in any condition to discuss the terror, love, and confusion I know she must see, so she settles on the remaining two, deeming them safe topics.
"I see a man who is about to keel over from pain and exhaustion." She loosens her hold on me slightly, "I was hurting you…. You need to get off that leg… do you have any medication you can take?"
"I'm okay, no, no medication. You look like you could use some rack time yourself and I really don't want you going back out in that storm…."
"Well, I think, in that case, once I get you to your bunk, I am going to make good use of that couch."
She helped me up the step into the bedroom area and then to a sitting position on the edge of my bed. As she turned to go, I reached out for her hand, clasping it tight in mine.
"Stay here, please" I am surprised at the extent of pleading need in my tone.
"Harm, we, I, you can't…."
I watch her face blush and it eases my embarrassment a little.
"Red light, Colonel", I say with a chuckle, before the pleading voice returns "I just need you close, you are right, I 'can't' as you put it, we shouldn't…. not yet…but I just…." I break off, knowing I am rambling and blushing too, but seeing it doesn't matter as Mac is heading towards the other side of my bed. She stops and looks over at me.
"What about Renee?"
"Renee isn't here." I don't want to go into it. All I want is my best friend to lay down beside me so we can hold each other, so we can provide the solace and comfort that we seem to be the only ones who can provide to each other.
She accepts my answer and joins me under the covers. She puts her arm under my neck and draws me to her, cradling my body with hers, and for the first time in weeks we both slept.
I close my eyes remembering the fell of that warm embrace, letting it lull me to sleep. My pillow is a poor substitute for Mac's body, but if I concentrate hard enough on the memory of that night, I can get to sleep, as sad and pathetic as it may seem.
Next thing I know, I awake to my phone ringing. I can tell by the amount of light in my apartment, it is well past reveille and rapidly approaching beyond being fashionably late for staff call.
"Commander Rabb" I bark, albeit a sleepy bark, into the phone.
"Good morning to you Commander, didn't care for our company this morning?"
"No, Mac, I just, well, my alarm didn't go off." In truth, it really didn't, because I did not set it. I hadn't needed it in months and somewhere along the way I just stopped setting it. But she didn't ask if it hadn't been set, so I could get off on that tiny technicality.
"It helps if you set it flyboy"
Great, there goes my defense…..
"Anyway, I covered your six. Told the Admiral you weren't feeling good so you might be kind enough to cough and sneeze a bit when you finally get in here."
She had called me the night before asking if I wanted to go for an early morning run this morning, but I had begged off complaining of feeling like I was coming down with a cold. I needed my morning to suck down a pot or two of coffee and prepare myself to look and act like I had a great night's sleep. It was bad enough Mac suspected something was wrong, I didn't need to give her anymore evidence than I just gave her this morning.
"Harm, hurry up. The Admiral gave us an interesting assignment and if you don't get here soon I just might have to ask Lt. Singer to take your place…." She teased.
North of Union Station
0545
I have to report for duty at JAG in about two hours. I highly doubt that I have even had two hours sleep tonight, no point in trying now though. I know I need my rest, but I am too tired to fight those nightmares. The last good nights sleep that I had was the night Mic had left Mac….
I had waited until I heard my shower turn on before I set about heating up the milk and digging out the powdered chocolate. I felt pain shoot through my ribcage as I stretched just a bit to far to grab a pot to heat the milk in, but it was nothing compared to the ache I felt in my chest for Mac. I had just started to pour the hot chocolate into our mugs when Mac emerged. She was dressed in a pair of my PT sweat pants and a well-worn 'Property of the United States Naval Academy' T-shirt. She looked so cute and comical I managed my first genuine smile in weeks. My telling her I had some sweats she could swim in was an understatement. It looked as if she had pulled up the elasticized cuffs of the sweats to just below her knees, letting the extra cloth hang down to cover her shins, and the Annapolis t-shirt, which was a bit roomy on me, hung to just above her knees and the sleeves covered most of her arms, but the sadness in her face and how she seemed to want to disappear within the folds of my clothes stopped me from any teasing remarks.
"Here, let me take those" Mac reached out and took the mugs into the living room. "You wait there, I'll be back to get you."
She was in full command officer mode and I caught a glimpse of the confident Marine I knew her to be. Besides if she is going to come back and wrap her arm around me, letting me lean against her, I don't mind being on the receiving end of her orders.
She helped me sit back on the couch, to my surprise sitting down right next to me. She leans forward with her elbows on her knees and her hands wrapped around her steaming mug, all her concentration on sipping the hot liquid. She startled me when she began to speak:
"I was so afraid that night."
"Mac, you found…."
"No, let me finish Harm, please?" She begged, lifting her eyes from her mug to meet mine. I nodded.
"I stood in front of my office window for most of those three hours, staring out at the rain, knowing you were out there in that storm, perhaps hurt, cold, and scared. I almost had myself convinced I could hear you calling for me. Then I was afraid that maybe you were…." Her voice caught and she returned her gaze to her mug. "I thought maybe you were gone. That you had gotten yourself killed because I wanted you to…, to be at my wedding. How could I explain that to your mother? How was I going to go on without my best friend?"
I took her mug and set it on the coffee table, then grasped her hands in mine. "It's over Mac, you found me." Funny, I could tell her not to worry, to let go of the fear, but it was still invading my dreams. "This is more than about that night though, talk to me….I am glad you still think of me as your best friend, because you are mine"
"Always, Harm. It…."
The phone rang and I reached over to pick it up. All intents being to tell the person on the other end to call back later.
"Hello?" I look at Mac and mouth the word 'Mic' to her, a question on my face. She nods and reached for the phone. "She's right here."
Mac took the phone and walked towards my kitchen, her back to me for the entire, mostly one-sided conversation.
"Mic, where are…." She fell silent for a few minutes. "Mic, we can… what do you….how did you know where…." I see her shake her head as she turns around. "What about your ring?" The first whole question he has allowed her to ask, and she is openly crying again. "Goodbye Mic" She hung up the phone and leaned back against the counter. I waited for her to speak.
"He's going back to Australia. He was at the airport, his flight boarding as he called me. He said he didn't want to be anyone's second choice and as much as he loved me, he couldn't… that it wasn't fair to either of us. He said he knew exactly where to find me because every time something is troubling me, I always run to you. That I always run to you." Her head dropped as she let her sobs overwhelm her.
I hauled myself up, limped to her side and pulled her into my arms.
"That is what I am here for Sarah. Whenever you need me. I was calling out for you that night." I murmur to her while she wept on my chest. Her arms had wound themselves around me and her hands were gripping me like she would drown if she let go. My ribs were not happy with this situation and my good leg was protesting at now having to support me, but most of Mac's weight as well. It didn't matter though. I had Sarah in my arms, and despite my physical pain and her emotional upheaval, it felt good.
After a bit, her sobs had slowed to soft intermittent weeping and I tilted my head back and to the side so I could look at her face.
"You really did love him, didn't you?" I didn't really want to hear the answer if this crying was any indication of her feelings for him.
"Asked and answered…. In a way I did, still do, but you were right when you told me perhaps I should reconsider who I was marrying. Better now than six months from now, right?" she sniffled. "You are as wet as I was when I came in Harm" She tried to joke. I took her subtle hint, decided to let the topic of Brumby and her now broken engagement drop.
"You needed this," I moved my head to indicate our embrace and my soaked shirt, "Like I said, that is what I am here for."
She leaned forward and placed her forehead back on my chest, right over my heart.
"You said something else too…." She let her statement hang, not wanting to push.
I tightened my arms around her, bringing one hand up to hold the back of her neck, reminiscent to our kiss on the Admiral's porch.
"I was calling out for you that night." It was my voice's turn to catch, so I tried her tactic. "I knew you could probably find me the way you did Chloe, I just figured I would be really hard for you to miss if I was screaming MAAAACCCC" I draw out her name in a mock scream, several hundred decibels lower that I am sure I was actually screaming out for her that night. I look down hoping for at least a little grin at that, but I don't get one.
"No, you weren't calling me Mac. You were screaming, calling me by my given name, Sarah and you were terrified" She says quietly, confidently, although starting to shake when she told me how I felt.
She was right and a chill ran through me. It wasn't that I didn't believe in Mac's clairvoyant talents, but it was all in the realm of the completely unexplainable to me and truth be told it was a little freaky, although in a good way. She knew. She knew exactly how I felt out in that water and how I called out for her. Too bad she couldn't see all my feelings regarding her, we probably wouldn't be in any of this mess right now.
Her eyes haven't left mine. I wonder what she sees and ask her. She thinks for a moment but I guess decides we are not in any condition to discuss the terror, love, and confusion I know she must see, so she settles on the remaining two, deeming them safe topics.
"I see a man who is about to keel over from pain and exhaustion." She loosens her hold on me slightly, "I was hurting you…. You need to get off that leg… do you have any medication you can take?"
"I'm okay, no, no medication. You look like you could use some rack time yourself and I really don't want you going back out in that storm…."
"Well, I think, in that case, once I get you to your bunk, I am going to make good use of that couch."
She helped me up the step into the bedroom area and then to a sitting position on the edge of my bed. As she turned to go, I reached out for her hand, clasping it tight in mine.
"Stay here, please" I am surprised at the extent of pleading need in my tone.
"Harm, we, I, you can't…."
I watch her face blush and it eases my embarrassment a little.
"Red light, Colonel", I say with a chuckle, before the pleading voice returns "I just need you close, you are right, I 'can't' as you put it, we shouldn't…. not yet…but I just…." I break off, knowing I am rambling and blushing too, but seeing it doesn't matter as Mac is heading towards the other side of my bed. She stops and looks over at me.
"What about Renee?"
"Renee isn't here." I don't want to go into it. All I want is my best friend to lay down beside me so we can hold each other, so we can provide the solace and comfort that we seem to be the only ones who can provide to each other.
She accepts my answer and joins me under the covers. She puts her arm under my neck and draws me to her, cradling my body with hers, and for the first time in weeks we both slept.
I close my eyes remembering the fell of that warm embrace, letting it lull me to sleep. My pillow is a poor substitute for Mac's body, but if I concentrate hard enough on the memory of that night, I can get to sleep, as sad and pathetic as it may seem.
Next thing I know, I awake to my phone ringing. I can tell by the amount of light in my apartment, it is well past reveille and rapidly approaching beyond being fashionably late for staff call.
"Commander Rabb" I bark, albeit a sleepy bark, into the phone.
"Good morning to you Commander, didn't care for our company this morning?"
"No, Mac, I just, well, my alarm didn't go off." In truth, it really didn't, because I did not set it. I hadn't needed it in months and somewhere along the way I just stopped setting it. But she didn't ask if it hadn't been set, so I could get off on that tiny technicality.
"It helps if you set it flyboy"
Great, there goes my defense…..
"Anyway, I covered your six. Told the Admiral you weren't feeling good so you might be kind enough to cough and sneeze a bit when you finally get in here."
She had called me the night before asking if I wanted to go for an early morning run this morning, but I had begged off complaining of feeling like I was coming down with a cold. I needed my morning to suck down a pot or two of coffee and prepare myself to look and act like I had a great night's sleep. It was bad enough Mac suspected something was wrong, I didn't need to give her anymore evidence than I just gave her this morning.
"Harm, hurry up. The Admiral gave us an interesting assignment and if you don't get here soon I just might have to ask Lt. Singer to take your place…." She teased.