Buffy White and the Seven Bachelors
As told by Cyberwulf
Rated 15s (R) for language and one (1) sexual suggestion
Spoilers: Season 5, the one where Joyce dies.
Summary: Thorough piss-take of Disney's Snow White & the Seven Dwarves, using characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, none of which belong to me. This is a really, really stupid story, but luckily it's short. So . . . here we go . . .
(Once upon a time, there was a princess called Buffy White, who lived alone with her newly resurrected mother, the queen, in a huge castle in a . . . kingdom somewhere . . . Being brought back from the dead had turned her mother into a horrible oul' bitch, and the fact that Buffy's bastard father never bothered to take any responsibility for her, the PUP, didn't help much. So naturally the queen took it out on Buffy (as ya do) and made her dress in rags and do all the cleaning.
Anyway, the queen was very vain and insecure, and so she had a magic mirror, which she asked every day,)
Joyce: Mirror, mirror,
Def Leppard: #. . . just watchin' with your eyyye of glaaaasss . . .#
(No! The queen asked,)
Joyce: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Back-talking Eddie Murphy Voiced Mirror: You are, O queen! Yo' de fairest!
(And this went on for quite some time, until one day . . .)
Joyce: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
B-TEMVM: Well it sho' as hell ain't you, bitch!
Joyce: WHAT?!
B-TEMVM: Listen up! Hair as golden as de hay, skin white as snow, lips red
Eminem: #like the blood shed from Kurt Cobain's head when he shot himself dead#
(NO! Look, all of you, FUCK OFF and stop interrupting the story! VH1 and MTV are down the hall. Okay?)
B-TEMVM: As I wuz sayin'. Lips red as the rose, Buffy White! She de fairest of dem all!
Joyce: No! Buffy White? Summon my huntsman!
Spanners from Freakazoid: #"Into Action!" is his cry!#
(GAAAAHHH! (screams and biting) Ahem. Yes, the queen summoned her loyal huntsman, and told him to)
Joyce: Take her into a glade, where she can pick wildflowers. There, kill her, and bring back her heart in this box!
Ethan: Okay.
Joyce(not listening): Do as I sa- oh. You're not objecting?
Ethan: Nope.
Joyce(at a loss): Oh. Well, good.
(So the huntsman took Buffy White, who in the meantime had been prancing around on the balcony singing about the mysterious dark-haired angst-ridden prince she fancied the arse off, and took her into a glade where she could pick wildflowers. He drew his knife, and . . . decided he couldn't be bothered killing her, it was such a nice day, he just wanted to lie in the shade and sleep off dinner, and besides, blood is murder to wash out of clothes.)
Ethan: Listen, Buffy, your mother's round the twist and wants to kill you. (ignoring Buffy's wide-eyed look of horror) She sent me to do the job, but I couldn't be arsed, so look, you run off into the woods, and I'll just buy a pig's heart or something, give that to the old bag instead, win-win, what do you think?
(So Buffy White ran into the woods, which by all accounts was very scary by 1930s standards, and then collapsed, sobbing, in the deepest part of it. And that's when it turned out that all the scary eyes really belonged to cute little animals.)
Buffy White: Oh! I do feel quite embarrassed for causing such a fuss. Oh, but I can't go back home . . .whatever shall I do? (to animals) Can you help me?
(Well of course they could, because this is a fairy story. The cute animals took Buffy White to a cottage deep in the woods, and since the door was unlocked, she thought she'd just poke around inside, the nosy PUP.)
Buffy White: Oh, my, it's very dusty in here, and look at these cobwebs! and dishes piled up in the sink! (sees chairs) Seven chairs...seven mugs...seven copies of FHM...why, it must be seven bachelors!
(Because, of course, men couldn't POSSIBLY be able to clean up after themselves . . . honestly, the sexism in this book . . . are any of you men out there offended?
In any case, Buffy White took pity on the seven poor able-bodied men WHO FOR NO GOOD REASON WERE INCAPABLE OF PICKING UP AFTER THEMSELVES, and cleaned the place from top to bottom. More fool her, if you ask me. And then she went upstairs for a little lie down.)
Buffy White: Oh, and seven beds, too!
(Duh duh duh . . . there was seven of everything else . . .)
Buffy White: And such funny names . . ."Giles". . ."Wolfie". . ."Shorty". . . "Blondy" . . . "Scaredy" . . . "Smartass". . .and "Riley"! (yawns) I think I'll just have a lie down . . .
And so she did, taking up three of the beds...lying lengthways, you see . . .
(At sundown, the 7 bachelors made their way home from the jewel-mine where they worked, singing a merry song . . .)
7 Northern Irish Paramilitary and Parliamentary Dissidents: #Hi ho, hi ho, it's home from work we go,
For it's never too late for sectarian hate
Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho . . .#
(Oh, sorry, that's the 7 Poison Dwarves. Here we go . . .)
7 Bachelors: #Hi ho, hi ho, it's home from work we go . . .#
Xander: #With a shovel and a spade and a hand-grenade . . .#
7 Bachelors: #Hi ho , hi ho hi ho hi ho . . .#
(Naturally they were very dismayed when they came up to their cottage and saw that the door was open and the fire was lit â€" for all they knew it was that little thief Goldilocks, or worse yet, that bitch Red Riding Hood and her wolf-slaughtering woodcutter friend. They entered cautiously, and were amazed to see that the house had been cleaned, and there was actually some food cooking on the fire, because, of course, being MEN meant they were all totally incompetent in the kitchen =P . They went upstairs and discovered someone asleep in their beds. They threw back the covers.)
7Bs: AAAAGGGGHHHH! GOLDILOCKS!
Buffy White(waking up): Don't be silly. I'm not Goldilocks . . .why, I'm Buffy White.
Giles: The princess?
Other 6: The princess?
Buffy White: Why yes. And let me guess . . . (to Giles) You're Giles, (to Xander) you're Smartass, (to Oz) you're Wolfie, (to Jonathan) you're Shorty, (to Wesley) you're Scaredy, (to Riley) you're . . .
Oz: He's Riley. He doesn't talk. Never learned how.
Riley: (flaps ears and looks like a gobdaw)
Buffy White (to Spike): And you must be Blondy.
Spike: Yeah, so what? Get out of our house before I call the Three Bears!
Buffy White: Oh please let me stay! I can't go home . . . the queen will kill me!
All 7 except for Spike: Of course you must stay!
Spike: =P
(So it was agreed. Buffy White stayed in the cottage, cooking for the bachelors and making them take baths and wear underpants and stuff like that, because of course men WOULD NEVER THINK OF THAT SORT OF THING ON THEIR OWN =P)
Giles: Excuse me! I really don't think I belong with these rogues. I went to Oxford, you know.
Spike: You're a faggot, dude.
(And that's stolen from South Park, so both of you shut up.
Anyway, every day the 7 bachelors went off to the mine, and every day they warned Buffy White not to let any strangers into the house. All went well until the queen found out that Buffy White was still alive, and still the fairest one of all, due to a certain Mirror not being able to keep its big Eddie-Murphy-backtalking-mouth shut, the PUP. So the queen, who was also a witch, handily enough, disguised herself as an old peddler. Then she cast a spell on an apple, so that whoever bit it would fall into a sleep so deep it would look as though they were dead. Then, knowing how all evil plots can be banjaxed due to the tiniest overlooked detail, she checked to see if there was a cure. There was - love's first kiss was the only thing that could break the spell. Being a bitter oul' wan, the queen wasn't worried, because she knew true love did not exist. You can't blame her - the last time she'd got any was on the roof of a carriage with a certain bachelor who'd fecked off straight away to go and work in a mine deep in the woods, and never even bothered to CALL, the PUP.
The wicked queen wended her way to the cottage, where she found Buffy White baking pies for the 7 Bachelors, especially for Blondy, who was actually beginning to like her.)
Joyce: Baking pies, deary? Need apples for pies, ah-hahahahahaha!
(But the cute little animals weren't fooled by the queen's disguise, and attacked her. Buffy White was horrified, and invited the poor peddler (as she thought) into the house.)
Joyce: Oh, thank you, dear... here, have an apple, free. (offers poison apple)
Buffy: Oh, I couldn't...
Joyce: It's a special wishing apple! One bite, and whatever your heart desires, will come true!
(The cute little animals ran to warn the 7 Bachelors, who raced back to the cottage as fast as possible to save Buffy White. Unfortunately for them, the silly bitch believed all that rubbish about wishing apples, and, thinking of that angsty prince she fancied the arse off, bit into the apple and immediately fell down dead. Well, asleep.)
Joyce: AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Giles: Oh, damn, I KNEW I should have phoned her...
(The 7 Bachelors chased the queen up onto a high cliff, where the foolish cow tried to roll a boulder down on top of them, and ended up plunging to her bloody death several feet below.
Back at the cottage, the 7 Bachelors hadn't the heart to bury Buffy White, so they encased her in a glass and gold coffin for passersby to gawk at, the GHOULS. Tho' what they were planning to do when the corpse started to rot I don't know. Were they all suddenly embalmers as well, or . . . (closes eyes, repeats quietly to self) It's a story book. It is a Child's Story Book . . . Ahem. Anyway, one day the angsty prince who Buffy White'd fancied the arse off came riding by. It turned out that he fancied the arse off her, too, and when he saw her lying there, he just had to kiss her, even if she was dead, the necrophiliac PUP. Lo and behold, sure didn't the kiss break the spell, and off she went to live with the prince in his castle. And the 7 Bachelors . . . well, we assume they lived happily ever after, going back to their life of grime and never washing or cooking or cleaning up after themselves, for men are incapable of such things, or so this book would have you believe, the PUP.)
The End
As told by Cyberwulf
Rated 15s (R) for language and one (1) sexual suggestion
Spoilers: Season 5, the one where Joyce dies.
Summary: Thorough piss-take of Disney's Snow White & the Seven Dwarves, using characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, none of which belong to me. This is a really, really stupid story, but luckily it's short. So . . . here we go . . .
(Once upon a time, there was a princess called Buffy White, who lived alone with her newly resurrected mother, the queen, in a huge castle in a . . . kingdom somewhere . . . Being brought back from the dead had turned her mother into a horrible oul' bitch, and the fact that Buffy's bastard father never bothered to take any responsibility for her, the PUP, didn't help much. So naturally the queen took it out on Buffy (as ya do) and made her dress in rags and do all the cleaning.
Anyway, the queen was very vain and insecure, and so she had a magic mirror, which she asked every day,)
Joyce: Mirror, mirror,
Def Leppard: #. . . just watchin' with your eyyye of glaaaasss . . .#
(No! The queen asked,)
Joyce: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Back-talking Eddie Murphy Voiced Mirror: You are, O queen! Yo' de fairest!
(And this went on for quite some time, until one day . . .)
Joyce: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
B-TEMVM: Well it sho' as hell ain't you, bitch!
Joyce: WHAT?!
B-TEMVM: Listen up! Hair as golden as de hay, skin white as snow, lips red
Eminem: #like the blood shed from Kurt Cobain's head when he shot himself dead#
(NO! Look, all of you, FUCK OFF and stop interrupting the story! VH1 and MTV are down the hall. Okay?)
B-TEMVM: As I wuz sayin'. Lips red as the rose, Buffy White! She de fairest of dem all!
Joyce: No! Buffy White? Summon my huntsman!
Spanners from Freakazoid: #"Into Action!" is his cry!#
(GAAAAHHH! (screams and biting) Ahem. Yes, the queen summoned her loyal huntsman, and told him to)
Joyce: Take her into a glade, where she can pick wildflowers. There, kill her, and bring back her heart in this box!
Ethan: Okay.
Joyce(not listening): Do as I sa- oh. You're not objecting?
Ethan: Nope.
Joyce(at a loss): Oh. Well, good.
(So the huntsman took Buffy White, who in the meantime had been prancing around on the balcony singing about the mysterious dark-haired angst-ridden prince she fancied the arse off, and took her into a glade where she could pick wildflowers. He drew his knife, and . . . decided he couldn't be bothered killing her, it was such a nice day, he just wanted to lie in the shade and sleep off dinner, and besides, blood is murder to wash out of clothes.)
Ethan: Listen, Buffy, your mother's round the twist and wants to kill you. (ignoring Buffy's wide-eyed look of horror) She sent me to do the job, but I couldn't be arsed, so look, you run off into the woods, and I'll just buy a pig's heart or something, give that to the old bag instead, win-win, what do you think?
(So Buffy White ran into the woods, which by all accounts was very scary by 1930s standards, and then collapsed, sobbing, in the deepest part of it. And that's when it turned out that all the scary eyes really belonged to cute little animals.)
Buffy White: Oh! I do feel quite embarrassed for causing such a fuss. Oh, but I can't go back home . . .whatever shall I do? (to animals) Can you help me?
(Well of course they could, because this is a fairy story. The cute animals took Buffy White to a cottage deep in the woods, and since the door was unlocked, she thought she'd just poke around inside, the nosy PUP.)
Buffy White: Oh, my, it's very dusty in here, and look at these cobwebs! and dishes piled up in the sink! (sees chairs) Seven chairs...seven mugs...seven copies of FHM...why, it must be seven bachelors!
(Because, of course, men couldn't POSSIBLY be able to clean up after themselves . . . honestly, the sexism in this book . . . are any of you men out there offended?
In any case, Buffy White took pity on the seven poor able-bodied men WHO FOR NO GOOD REASON WERE INCAPABLE OF PICKING UP AFTER THEMSELVES, and cleaned the place from top to bottom. More fool her, if you ask me. And then she went upstairs for a little lie down.)
Buffy White: Oh, and seven beds, too!
(Duh duh duh . . . there was seven of everything else . . .)
Buffy White: And such funny names . . ."Giles". . ."Wolfie". . ."Shorty". . . "Blondy" . . . "Scaredy" . . . "Smartass". . .and "Riley"! (yawns) I think I'll just have a lie down . . .
And so she did, taking up three of the beds...lying lengthways, you see . . .
(At sundown, the 7 bachelors made their way home from the jewel-mine where they worked, singing a merry song . . .)
7 Northern Irish Paramilitary and Parliamentary Dissidents: #Hi ho, hi ho, it's home from work we go,
For it's never too late for sectarian hate
Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho . . .#
(Oh, sorry, that's the 7 Poison Dwarves. Here we go . . .)
7 Bachelors: #Hi ho, hi ho, it's home from work we go . . .#
Xander: #With a shovel and a spade and a hand-grenade . . .#
7 Bachelors: #Hi ho , hi ho hi ho hi ho . . .#
(Naturally they were very dismayed when they came up to their cottage and saw that the door was open and the fire was lit â€" for all they knew it was that little thief Goldilocks, or worse yet, that bitch Red Riding Hood and her wolf-slaughtering woodcutter friend. They entered cautiously, and were amazed to see that the house had been cleaned, and there was actually some food cooking on the fire, because, of course, being MEN meant they were all totally incompetent in the kitchen =P . They went upstairs and discovered someone asleep in their beds. They threw back the covers.)
7Bs: AAAAGGGGHHHH! GOLDILOCKS!
Buffy White(waking up): Don't be silly. I'm not Goldilocks . . .why, I'm Buffy White.
Giles: The princess?
Other 6: The princess?
Buffy White: Why yes. And let me guess . . . (to Giles) You're Giles, (to Xander) you're Smartass, (to Oz) you're Wolfie, (to Jonathan) you're Shorty, (to Wesley) you're Scaredy, (to Riley) you're . . .
Oz: He's Riley. He doesn't talk. Never learned how.
Riley: (flaps ears and looks like a gobdaw)
Buffy White (to Spike): And you must be Blondy.
Spike: Yeah, so what? Get out of our house before I call the Three Bears!
Buffy White: Oh please let me stay! I can't go home . . . the queen will kill me!
All 7 except for Spike: Of course you must stay!
Spike: =P
(So it was agreed. Buffy White stayed in the cottage, cooking for the bachelors and making them take baths and wear underpants and stuff like that, because of course men WOULD NEVER THINK OF THAT SORT OF THING ON THEIR OWN =P)
Giles: Excuse me! I really don't think I belong with these rogues. I went to Oxford, you know.
Spike: You're a faggot, dude.
(And that's stolen from South Park, so both of you shut up.
Anyway, every day the 7 bachelors went off to the mine, and every day they warned Buffy White not to let any strangers into the house. All went well until the queen found out that Buffy White was still alive, and still the fairest one of all, due to a certain Mirror not being able to keep its big Eddie-Murphy-backtalking-mouth shut, the PUP. So the queen, who was also a witch, handily enough, disguised herself as an old peddler. Then she cast a spell on an apple, so that whoever bit it would fall into a sleep so deep it would look as though they were dead. Then, knowing how all evil plots can be banjaxed due to the tiniest overlooked detail, she checked to see if there was a cure. There was - love's first kiss was the only thing that could break the spell. Being a bitter oul' wan, the queen wasn't worried, because she knew true love did not exist. You can't blame her - the last time she'd got any was on the roof of a carriage with a certain bachelor who'd fecked off straight away to go and work in a mine deep in the woods, and never even bothered to CALL, the PUP.
The wicked queen wended her way to the cottage, where she found Buffy White baking pies for the 7 Bachelors, especially for Blondy, who was actually beginning to like her.)
Joyce: Baking pies, deary? Need apples for pies, ah-hahahahahaha!
(But the cute little animals weren't fooled by the queen's disguise, and attacked her. Buffy White was horrified, and invited the poor peddler (as she thought) into the house.)
Joyce: Oh, thank you, dear... here, have an apple, free. (offers poison apple)
Buffy: Oh, I couldn't...
Joyce: It's a special wishing apple! One bite, and whatever your heart desires, will come true!
(The cute little animals ran to warn the 7 Bachelors, who raced back to the cottage as fast as possible to save Buffy White. Unfortunately for them, the silly bitch believed all that rubbish about wishing apples, and, thinking of that angsty prince she fancied the arse off, bit into the apple and immediately fell down dead. Well, asleep.)
Joyce: AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Giles: Oh, damn, I KNEW I should have phoned her...
(The 7 Bachelors chased the queen up onto a high cliff, where the foolish cow tried to roll a boulder down on top of them, and ended up plunging to her bloody death several feet below.
Back at the cottage, the 7 Bachelors hadn't the heart to bury Buffy White, so they encased her in a glass and gold coffin for passersby to gawk at, the GHOULS. Tho' what they were planning to do when the corpse started to rot I don't know. Were they all suddenly embalmers as well, or . . . (closes eyes, repeats quietly to self) It's a story book. It is a Child's Story Book . . . Ahem. Anyway, one day the angsty prince who Buffy White'd fancied the arse off came riding by. It turned out that he fancied the arse off her, too, and when he saw her lying there, he just had to kiss her, even if she was dead, the necrophiliac PUP. Lo and behold, sure didn't the kiss break the spell, and off she went to live with the prince in his castle. And the 7 Bachelors . . . well, we assume they lived happily ever after, going back to their life of grime and never washing or cooking or cleaning up after themselves, for men are incapable of such things, or so this book would have you believe, the PUP.)
The End