Forgiveness
By SRL (aka: sammniam II)
All characters contained within this fic are property of their respective owners and are only being borrowed for the purpose of this work.
-Warning- This piece of fiction contains graphic descriptions of suicidal practices. -Warning-
One year has passed since the fall of Ultemica. Seifer returns home to settle his debts, say his goodbyes, and make his final peace.
Please Read and Review!!
((One last thing: please excuse any glaring spelling errors of the characters names. I currently do not have a book with them in front of me, so I did my best at guessing.))
"Time can do many things."
I was once told this and being the young brash upstart I was, I came back a snappy reply instead of stopping to think about what I had been told.
"Of course, it can erode mountains, dry oceans, and rot forests. Time is a very busy person." I remember the look across the speaker's face, that deadpan expression I had grown to know so well. They didn't know it, but I said that because I was trying to elicit a smile out of them. It didn't work, they laughed.
At me.
And I beat the living crap out of them. Then I walked away.
But they were still laughing.
It took me several years to fully understand the simple undeniable truth within that small phrase. I finally understood what they were trying to tell me, only after it no longer mattered any longer. Time can do so much, on more than a geological scale. On a human scale.
Time can dull memories, ease pain, heal wounds, even prove that all the burnt bridges didn't tumble all the way down.
But I always had to learn the hard way, nothing, not even living was easy for me. It took a week of stupid mistakes, and a year of silence, for me to learn.
But I also learned that time doesn't erase all things, some can not be repaired with no amount of effort.
Seifer Almesy looks up from the small black notebook, out over the open expanse of the plains. The stiff winter wind ruffled his long bangs across his forehead, partially obscuring his view of the Balamb plains. A single massive object hovered upon the horizon line, a dark shape against the setting sun. Balamb Garden. At one time he had called that place his home, one time it was the only place he had. All the people he ever knew resided within it's halls, including the few who called him friend. Almost all of his memories stem from the Garden, or atleast the good ones. Balamb Garden, the one place in the world that should have welcomed him with open arms.
But why should they?
Stretching, he tucks away the book into a inner breast pocket and picks up the rusty gunblade from the rocky ground beside him. Slowly he stands, flexing and bending this joint or another, trying to work the winter chill from his lithe body. The crisp winter wind whips around his long blond ponytail. He straightens the gray ankle length buster, brushing away a smear of dirt. Then starts off, descending the rock outcropping he had been resting on, limberly leaping among the boulders. It would take a few more hours till he reached the Garden, but that would work out perfectly. He wants to enter the place without a fuss. And hit and run ordeal.
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"Instructor Dirctit, please report to the Main Assembly Hall."
A single figure runs through the almost deserted classroom halls. Zell Dirctit realizes that he's too late almost at the same time as he realizes that he shouldn't be running haphazardly through the halls of the Garden, half dressed, and with food hanging from his mouth.
"God be damn, why don't they make alarm clocks that work!" He curses out loud, trying to pull his other dressboot while still walking. With a stifled cry, he falls to the floor with the grace of a strangled stork, dropping the crust of toast that he was eating from his mouth. Muttering under his breath, he tugs the errant boot on firmly, then searches for his lost breakfast. He picks up the crust, removes a small speck of dust of it, then crams the whole thing into his face. Suddenly he finds a well manicured hand thrust before his eyes. He looks up and smiles at the blond woman standing over him.
"Because you would still sleep through that. You would sleep through the Garden blowing up around your ears, Zell." Quistis says, pulling the ruffled blond to his feet. He smiles at her again. His face was the perfect expression of youthful charm it was a year ago. Only those who knew him well understood that his smile was forced more than it appeared. He wasn't the happie cheerful kid he once was. Those events, Q remembers as she watches Zell dust himself off, scarred everyone alot more than we all want to admit. She sighs as Zell fails to stop a large patch of dust clinging to his backside. Some of them more than others.
"Have you seen Squall?" She asks, knocking his hands away from his shoulders and straightens his uniform correctly. She quickly pats off the dust, causing Zell to stiffen slightly at her touch on his rear, but he doesn't say anything. He can't, he's still chewing the bread he forcefully crammed into his mouth. He tries to answer around the bread, but fails and merely shakes his head. Finally chewed up enough to swallow, he gasps then chokes out an answer.
"Nope, not since ….ahem….class last night. He was running the new recruits thru some last minute moves before they leave tonight." Q rolls her eyes, she had already talked with Rinoa. She was hoping Zell had some news that was slightly better. Squall hadn't even come back to their quarters till after dawn, Rinoa told her. Then all he did was wash and dress himself in clean clothes, street clothes.
Since their return to the Garden a year ago, Sid had handed all the responiblty of the Garden to Squall. Squall had donw what he always did, he threw himself fully into the job of Commander of the Garden, no matter if he could handle it or wanted it. For awhile, things seemed to go along nicly, the Garden had more work than any of them remembered in a long time. But lately Q and the others had begun to wonder if it was just too much strain on him. He was showing
Squall had gone through so much, even more than the rest of them. The only other two who came close to suffering as much were Rinoa and Seifer. But Squall hid things from everybody, from himself, from his friends, even Rinoa. Q wasn't sure that his façade would last much longer, his current odd behavior seemed to be pointing toward a upcoming change in things. She just hoped that the change would be for the good.
Sighing, she shakes her head. She was really beginning to worry about Squall's odd behavior, but unfortunately, now wasn't the time to dwell on such matters. The ceremony will be starting shortly and they both of them needed to get going. As one, they turned to go, but as soon as they started to leave, a deep chuckle from behind them halted them in their tracks.
Together, they slowly turn back toward the sound of the laughter. There in the open doorway, a tall lean man reclined against the frame, arms crossed. He wore a floor length gray duster, that had most definaly seen better days. Over one shoulder, a rusted gunblade was slung. Even baring the long hair and the blond beard gracing his face, both of them know who was standing before them. Seifer Almsey.
Zell started, stepping back and rubbing his eyes. Q, not as badly shaken by Siefer's sudden return, takes a step forward the man, calling out to the person she ever thought she would see again. After waking up in the fields, the first thing they had done was count their numbers. Somehow during the events that occurred, Fujin and Rajin had joined them. But amoung their number, Seifer wasn't. Rinoa feared that during the time compression, he might have been thrown back into time, or worse, killed. After they returned to the Garden, Cid allowed those of them who wanted to, to search for Seifer. But they found no sign of him, anywhere. It was assumed that he was dead, although Elone had told them that he wasn't. It appeared that she was right, because he now stood before Q's eyes, not as a ghost, but as a man of flesh and blood.
"Seifer?" The man gave another chuckle and pushed away from the wall. He squared up in front of her, smiling slightly. Q saw the familiar scar that ran across the man's face. She remembered the event that put such a disfiguring mark upon the handsome man's face. Squall had the matching one across his. But, other than a few new scars and that his skin was now a shade darker, Seifer Almsey, the former Sorceress Knight, was back.
"The one and only." He answered, studying Quinty's body, decked out in her dress uniform. He had judged his timing just right. "I see that neither of you changed much." His smile grew and that old familiar light twinkled behind his eyes. The old temptation to annoy the tattooed blond man who stood behind her rose up in him, how much he missed picking on that boy.
Beside her, Zell finally snapped out of his shock. A flush crossed his face and rushed up to the man. Seifer tensed up visibly, dropping his arms to his sides, but made no move to leave or attack. He simply stood there as Zell got right up in his face and vented a years worth of rage.
"You have some gall coming back here. What the f-ck do you want here, anyways! Haven't you done enough, haven't you learned that you are not wanted here anymore, asshole?" He yelled into the taller's man's face, both fists clenched till they were white knuckled. Q watched as Seifer's face fell blank and lifeless. That light slowly died inside his eyes. It reminded her of Squall's expression, so deadpan, so devoid of everything, like they were dead, but forgot to lay down. She walked up to Zell and grabbed his shoulder, pulling him back from Seifer's face.
"Zell, calm down. There's no need to…"
"It's alright Quinty. Zell's right. I only came to see Fujin and Rajin. I had heard that they finally made the ranks of the SeeDs." He looked down at them, his face still devoid of all emotion, still reminding her of Squall's the last time she had since him. Something about the way he sounded was wrong, very wrong. There was more to his return that that. But with Zell here, acting as he is, she knew she wouldn't get him to talk to her. Although she had a good grip on Zell, his anger was fueling him and he surged back forward, sneering at Seifer.
"Jealous? Sorry you had to be such an ass? Huh?"
"ZELL!" Q screamed at him. He turned away from Seifer to face Q and received the full force of Q's slug. It was more than enough to knock the blond back several steps. Seifer watched, a bit surprised that she was sticking up for him. But why? He had hurt her in the past as much as he hurt Zell. She had as much right to be angry with him as Zell did. Zell staggered back from Q, rubbing the tattooed side of his face, where a large red mark was beginning to blossom. Quistis moved closer to Zell, but Seifer reached out and caught her arm.
"It's alright Quinty. I'm leaving soon. I just wanted to say some hellos and goodbyes. That's all." He let her go and turned away from her, still speaking. "He's right, I don't belong here." By this time Zell had recovered his senses and bearings, but Seifer was moving away. Head down, footsteps so soft she barely heard them, he left them without another word. Q turned on Zell, who saw from the tears rolling down his face, that something very wrong had happened.
"Q?" He reached up and wiped away a single tear. She closed her eyes, and turned to look at Seifer, who simply turn down a corridor, never looking back. A voice in the back of her mind told her that she would not see the man again if she didn't go get him right then, but she found herself unable to move. "Why, I mean, that was Seifer, he caused…"
"No Zell. He no more caused all that trouble than you or me did. He was part of it, the part that we all wanted to place the blame on because we refused to see that….he was as bad off, or worse than we were." She looks up into Zell's red face and he sees that she means every word she just said. The smallest part of his anger fades, but he won't forgive Seifer that easily, even if it would make Quistis happy. The look he gives her explains his emotions better than any words could, she just wishes he would accept that maybe Seifer wasn't the enemy that he had thought he was. She sighs deeply and lowers her gaze.
"His expression when you yelled at him, Zell. It was the same Squall wears everyday." Zell's anger dissipated even more at that bit of news, he knew how depressed Squall had gotten in the past few weeks. Then a thought occurred to him, draining his normally glowing skin to a deathly white.
"But, I mean. He's Seifer, the meanest bad ass I ever knew. He's …"
"Human. He has feelings too……..and we all forgot that."
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Two sets of footsteps echoed down the empty hall as two figures crossed an intersection. SeeD cadets, buy the appearance of their uniforms. The taller one was a dark skinned, dark haired man, who was trailing behind a shorter white haired woman, who was giving his a run for his money. Rajin and Fujin.
Rajin was trying to talk to Fujin, but she just pushed on and never slowed, marching almost fast enough to be jogging. Rajin was having a little difficulty in keeping up with her, but he never fell more than a few steps behind her.
"It's alright Fu….I mean, your not going to be judged on the fact that you yelled at Sid. Or the fact that your uniform was wrinkled, so was mine. Please Fu….it's not like they are going to judge you any more now, so…." The woman suddenly stops and spins on him. She points a finger at him and growls, her single eye burning with quiet rage.
"YES." She shouts and starts to spin around, but Rajin grabs her, stopping her. He lowers himself down into her face and shouts back at her, with the same quiet rage.
"NO!" Fujin stares, quite surprised at her friend's sudden reversal of roles. But before either of them could continue, they were interrupted by a new voice.
"So I see not all things have changed." Both of them turn toward the new speaker, slowly. Both of them recognize the voice, but neither want to imagine that it is true. Rajin lets go of Fujin, standing there, mouth slightly agape, eyes wide open. Fujin fares better, her mouth was at least stays closed. A minute or two pass before Rajin finally breaks the silence.
"Hey, it that … that you, Seifer?" A tall blond man strolls down the hallway toward them, emerging from the shadows into the light. He had a rusted gunblade slung over one shoulder and a gray coat, swirling around him as he moved toward them. As soon as he got close enough, they could see the old scar running across his handsome face, still bright red. It was him, it was Seifer. Rajin ran up to him, wrapping him up in a huge bear hug, lifting him off the floor.
"I can't believe it. I can't! You're still alive! Man, we thought you bought the big one!" Seifer gasps and writhes within his huge friend's embrace, feet dangling uselessly off the floor.
"Not if you squeeze the life from me….Fujin, help." Without a second word, Fujin storms up to the big man, kicking him once in the shin, and catches Seifer as Rajin drops him. She helps steady the tall lean man, but as soon as he was right, she reaches up and grabs him by the face. Before he could object, she pulls him down and plants a kiss on his lips. When she lets go of him, he stumbles back, blinking in genuine surprise at the white haired woman before him. He reached up and scratches his head, ruffling the golden locks. He was surprised at her response to his sudden appearance. Why would she, hell, why would either of them react so strangely? He hadn't been that good of a friend to them.
"I guess it's nice to see you to Fujin." Rajin, recovered, comes over and nudges Fujin hard in the side, almost knocking the smaller woman over. He winks slyly at Seifer.
"I can see that. How come I never get that?" Fujin glowers at him, but Seifer's laughter made them stop fighting. They both were glad to see that somehow he had made it back, had survived those events from a year ago. Questions came bubbling up to their minds, but neither of them wanted to break off Seifer's laughter. Something about it distrued them. It sounded almost forced.
"WHERE? HOW!" Seifer stops his laugh in midstream, as if he had been switched off, and sighs. Head thrown back, he closes his eyes and smiles at his friends, shrugging.
"Around. Here, there and everywhere. I've been watching you guys. I'm proud you finally made SeeD." He lifts his head and looks at his friends. Fujin's frown deepens and she scowls hard at him. She could always read him like a book, the harder he tried to hide anything from her, the easier it was for her to read them. She leans closer to him, staring intently at him, but not uttering single word. Seifer returns her glare, opening his mouth, but Rajin slaps him across the shoulders.
"You should have come home earlier Seifer. Trust me, this place needs someone like you around here to keep all the kids in line." Rajin beams at his old friend. Little did he realize that Seifer had no intention of remaining within the confines of the Garden. Fujin stood upright, crossing her arms. She had seen the truth in Seifer's face as soon as Rajin mentioned staying at the Garden. She knew, knew that Seifer hadn't returned to come home.
"YES, SEIFER STAY!" He looks down at her face, her one eye still covered by her infamous eye patch. He shakes his head slightly, smiling softly down at her. He really didn't want to hurt her or Rajin, but he knew that she understood what he hadn't said. These two people were his only friends. Friends who didn't need the likes of him, as they had proven. If fact, they had done better without his influence then with, he had spoken the truth when he said he had been watching them. He watched them out shine him in every way and form. They deserved to finally have something good happen to them.
"I can't Fu, I just came to say hi and congratu…."
"Fujin, I swear I could hear you all the way back at Trabia, you know that!" A high pitched voiced called out behind them. A short brown haired girl came running up behind them, dressed almost the same as Fujin and Rajin. As soon as she got close enough, she slows down and looks all three of them over. She recognizes Fujin and Rajin, who slowly turn to face her. She caught the glimpse they shared between each other. She stands upright, hands on her narrow hips.
"Hey, you know you aren't supposed to have visitors in the Garden this close to a mission. Squalls gonna have a fit about this." Selphie Talmet shook her finger at them. Rajin drops his head, shuffling his feet. Fujin crosses her arms, but says nothing. She looks at the man who still had his back to Selphie. The tall stranger turns slowly around, as if he was drawing out the motion for some reason. Selphie stops dead, frozen in her tracks.
"Nice to see you too Selphie. I see you're still as annoying as before." Selphie just remains frozen, staring open mouthed at Seifer. Fujin snorts and shakes her head, Rajin tries unsuccessfully to stifle a chuckle. Seifer moves over to Selphie and carefully closes her mouth. That seems to break her paralysis. She snaps back from Seifer's touch.
"Seifer! Your, your alive!" He smiles down at her and nods. Suddenly all the foolishness and childishness disappear from Selphie's face, replaced with a look Seifer had only seen on Quinty's face all too often.
"Squall really will be upset now." Selphie says softly, but more than loud enough for Seifer to hear. In fact both Fujin and Rajin also heard her as well, and snap alert. Seifer lowers his gaze to the floor and shrugs. Then as if he had dismissed her, he waves a hand, turning away. He half expected them to stop him, but he also knew they wouldn't. He wasn't really welcome here, and her knew it all too well. Unhurriedly, he walks past all of them, head still down. As he passes Rajin, he crams his hands inside his coat pockets. Rajin moves to stop him, once the idea that Seifer was leaving enters his head, but Fujin catches his arm. He looks down at the harsh white haired woman and sees that she has tears in her eye.
"Leave him be." She says softly. Rajin stares at her then relaxes. As soon as Seifer passes from sight, both turn to the smaller Selphie. Rajin look hard at her. She realizes that perhaps she had made a mistake somewhere along the line.
"What? All I said was…" Rajin spoke up, his normally jovial voice sounding rough and mean to her ears.
"Think Selphie, that was Seifer. Do you think he wants to be reminded about Squall? About how he probably…" He stops and backs away from the little girl, turning back toward the hall Seifer walked down. A nastie little voice in the back of his head told him to run after him, to drag him back kicking and screaming. If he didn't, he was afraid that it would be the last time he would ever see Seifer.
"Something is wrong." Fujin spoke softly, she was also watching the empty hallway where her friend Seifer had walked down. She already knew that she wouldn't see him again. She knew, he was finally going. That's why he came back. He had come to say goodbye. Fujin looks at Selphie, who finally saw that she was crying, the tears rolling down her pale cheeks.
"Seifer will never be back." Suddenly she spins and strides off, breaking into a run. Rajin sighs and starts after her, leaving Selphie to wander what the hell just happened. Fujin had just spoken without yelling. Hell, Fujin was crying? She missed something, big time. She looks down the hall. Slowly a thought forms in her head, one that scared her, badly.
"Oh no." She turns and runs the way she had come from earlier. She had to find Q and Rinoa fast. She hoped to God that her mind was playing tricks with her, she really, really hoped so.
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Night had gradually settled over the Garden. Since this was a graduation night, some of the rules had been bent for the new SeeD students to enjoy themselves a little better. After all, tomorrow the whole Garden was moving out on a mission, so one night of fun was in order. Seifer sighs as the Training Center doors whoosh open before him. He had missed the place, the small animal noises that stopped just before an attack, the damp earthy smell of the place, the feeling that you were lost, yet still contained within relative safety.
Walking inside, the soft soles boots barely make a noise in the soft loam covering the ground. Ever since the events of a year ago, they had removed most of the T'rexsuars from the place. Instead they brought in several new breeds of lesser monsters for the students to train on. Seifer strolls past the old plank bridge that leads over the still surface of the training center's pool. He had heard they hunted up some Falshions to put in there. Not overly dangerous, but they would be a distraction to him at the moment. He didn't need or want anymore distractions, not now. Not when he was so close to his peace.
Although the thought that they would be a more satisfying ending, he was more than sure that simple Falshions weren't up to the task he had at hand. No, if he wanted this to be done right, he was going to have to do it himself. That was always the way it was, he never got any help from anyone, even those who offered it. They dangled it over his head, only to snatch it away when he got too close.
"Well, since I have a little time left, might as well enjoy it." He closes his eyes and breathes deep, smelling the rich aroma of the center. So many memories here. Good and bad, but most bad. So much heartache and pain, hurts and wounds that ran so much deeper than the claws that struck them made. Slowly, as if it hurt to do it, he forces one foot in front of the other one, walking deeper within the forested training center. If anyone had been there to see him, they would have seen that he held his gunblade within a white knuckled grasp.
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"Commander Leonheart, please report to the 2nd Floor Classrooms." Squall hears the announcement, but it doesn't register that it was him they were calling for. He was sitting on a stone bench, listening to the odd eathral hum the Garden made as it hovered over the Balamb plains. How long had he been sitting there, he had no idea. In fact, he didn't even remember going there. He remembers the students last night, but that was the limit of his recent memories.
What he did know was that he was cold, far colder than the chill winter air should have made him. Blinking, Squall focuses on his lap, with his hands folded across the shiny steel face of his gunblade, the LeonHeart. There was a thin layer of snow blanketing it, but not completely covering it. In the last section not yet white, he saw his reflection. The angry red mark that crossed his face, the pale blue eyes, glazed and hollow looking. His hair had picked up more white within the last year. Faintly he remembers Rinoa telling him, he should die it back.
But why? He didn't care what his appearance said about him. No one would say a thing if one morning he showed up completely bald. They never said anything about any of his choices. Nothing, not a word, a complaint, and snicker. Nothing.
"And I hate it." His breath frosts in the air. "Why? Why, don't any of you care? Don't you see?" He closes his eyes and wraps his nearly frozen fingers around the blade. He felt the ultra sharp edge cut into his flesh, but even that didn't matter. He could slice his throat wide open and would anyone care? He was so tried of being in charge, of being the one everybody had to rely on, to be the strongest person. He hated it, hated them. Why couldn't they do things themselves, why did they …… "Why me?"
"Commander Leonheart, please report to the 2nd Floor Classrooms." This time, the words finally break through his self loathing gloom, stirring him into motion. Before he realizes, he was on his feet, moving toward the open French doors that lead to his office. But he stops, looking down at his blood stained hands. He let the gunblade slip from his fingers, clattering to the snow covered floor. Now he could see his whole profile within the silver mirror of the weapon. Slowly he brought up his hands, staring at the bright red blood covering his hands. It was his, his sign that he was still living, but how come he didn't fell like he was. On one arm, he saw the faint white scar circling his wrist get gradually covered by the flowing tide of red. They wouldn't care. They would never see the truth, never accept it if they did. He let his hands fall to his sides. Stepping over the blade, he walks back into that was the symbol of his pain. Without stopping to clean the blood, he enters the elevator, punching the 1st floor button.
He wanted to find some peace.
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"So, do you think he will leave yet?" Rinoa asks the two figures walking on either side of her willowy frame. Zell and Q had found her wandering the grounds outside, in nothing more than her normal street clothes. She had been looking for Squall, but had suffered another of her lapses. Both of them bundled her up in their coats and lead her back inside. Zell had wanted her to go to the informatory, but she refused.
"I'm better, Zell, I promise. It's over, I am myself once more." After Ultemica defeat, Rinoa thought her life would return to normal, she hoped it would. She loved Squall and wanted nothing more than to be by his side forever. But three months later, she found herself going through fits. It was like she stopped being herself, and became someone else. She would forget everything about everything around her. After the fit ended, she won't remember anything she had done during the time.
At first she had been able to hide this from her friends, but it didn't last long. They found her wandering around the Garden on night, stark naked. When Squall had asked her what she was doing, she attacked him, severely injuring him. It took the combined efforts of Zell, Q, and Selphie to subdue her. Later when she woke up, they told her what she had been doing. Then she explained what had been going on.
After several months of tests, nobody had any clue why she was suffering thru these attacks, or what triggered them. Ellone came by while she was in one. It was afterwards, that the others told her that Ellone said it was something to do with her Sorceress powers. She tried to control herself, but sometimes things got out of control fast. She felt as if she was a burden on the others, but most of all Squall. He rapidly got worse after her fits started. At one time she though that maybe she was the cause of his pain, but she knew deep down inside that she was part of it, but not the cause.
"Are you sure, Rinoa?" Zell asks, watching her wring her hands, a nervous habit she had recently picked up. He had his hands shoved deep within his pockets, trying not to squirm himself, so he understood how she felt. Q stops and addresses both of them.
"If you're alright, then I think you can handle this news." Zell looks at Q's eyes, wondering if this was the right thing to do to Rinoa now. Rinoa looks up into Q's face, worried about what news they were afraid to let her know. Was it something to do with Squall?
"Seifer is here." Rinoa blinks, thinking her ears had played a trick on her. Had she just said, Seifer? She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Zell places a hand on her left shoulder, gently squeezing it. She looks from Q to Zell, reading the expressions on their faces.
"Are you telling me the truth? Seifer is here? At the Garden?" They both nod at her. She lowers her head, unable to speak for the emotion surging through her. Seifer, alive! But, where has he been? Why didn't he come here sooner? Withou tlooking up she asks the question she fears.
"Did he come here to stay or visit?" Q looks over at Zell and sighs. Without doing so she answers Rinoa's question. Rinoa shrugs off Zell's hand and looks up into Q's face. "So, is he going to visit me before he leaves?" Q smiles at her, happy that Rinoa was keeping her compose so well. They had been afraid she would break down, or go into another fit.
"I'm not sure, Rinoa. In fact, I think something is very wrong with him." Behind Rinoa Zell tenses up, knowing what was coming next. He didn't think it was a good idea to tell Rinoa about the revelation the two of them had come up with. Rinoa had liked Seifer more than the rest of them, Zell knew. He was afraid for her. She had to deal with her fits and Squall, she didn't need something like this too.