Memories of the Heart

by Lady S

The heart always remembers. *COMPLETE*

TITLE: Memories of the Heart

AUTHOR: Lady S

E-MAIL: ladysewalton@yahoo.com

SUMMARY: Nope... sorry, I can't sum it up without giving
absolutely everything away. Let's just say that I
hope that by the end of the story, everyone is happily
holding their hand to their chest with a small sigh
and teary eyes. ;o)

DISCLAIMER: Catherine Marshall's beautiful story of
Christy is owned by the Marshall-LeSourd Family,
L.L.C. We are in no way seeking profit or credit for
her story. We are continuing the story of Christy for
our own amusement only. Any additions in story line
and characters were invented by the writers of the
alt.tv.christy Round Robin and the Christy Mailing
List. The content of each story is the responsibility
of the individual writer. The fanfic here is being
posted as a service to the Christy mailing list, Pax
Christy Forum and Alt.tv.christy News Group.

AUTHOR'S NOTE'S: I've opted to write Neil's "voice"
normally. We all know how wonderful he sounds with
his Scottish Brogue, but frankly, for me anyway, it's
a major pain to try and figure out how to spell, so
try and imagine it in your head... like I do! :oD





Prologue: Memories of the Heart


Standing on the platform in El Pano I watch the train
approaching, the thick plume of black smoke filling
the air, hanging behind like a diminishing line in the
sky. The chilling sting of winter nipped at my nose
but the steam from the train blanketed me with a
sudden burst of warmth. Sadly it left all too
quickly, allowing the cold to settle back over my body
and a small shiver traipsed up and down my spine.
Immediately the arms that were around me tightened,
offering me their warmth though I knew he needed it as
much as I did.

"Are you sure you're going to be all right, Lass?"

"I'll be fine, Neil, I've made this trip countless
number of times."

I could feel his lips smile as he kissed my hair. "I
know you have. Can't a man worry about his fiancé?"

"Mmm... say that again."

Neil laughed, his arms tightening even more, but I
didn't mind the pressure. "My fiancé." Letting go of
me he picked up the small bag I was carrying to
Asheville while another man lifted my trunk.

Oh how I did so love to hear that. Even though it had
been nearly four months now I never got tired of
hearing it. One more week and I would be Mrs. Neil
MacNeill. We were going to be married in Asheville so
that my father could give me away but then we'd return
to Cutter Gap for a proper mountain ceremony. It was
the only way we could appease our friends and family
in the cove as well as my own family in the city. I
watched Neil hand my bags to the baggage man before he
turned back to face me once more. There was only one
thing wrong.

"I still wish you could come with me now."

"I know, but I'll be there in two days and then we'll
be together for the rest of our lives."

Now how can I not smile when he says things like that?
Letting my love shine through my smile I reach up
with my arms, standing on tiptoe as high as I can, and
wrap my arms around him. Neil lowers his mouth to
mine in a farewell kiss, his arms once more encircling
my waist, drawing me closer to him. I could feel the
warmth he exuded through all our many layers and my
heart clinched. This was the first time we would be
apart by our own decision, not because of a medical
emergency.

"All aboard!"

Though he pulled his mouth from mine Neil wrapped his
arms around me even tighter, crushing me to him for a
moment before lifting me and turning around. When I
was on my own feet again I stood at eyes level with
him on the second step of the train. Neil smiled at
me but I could see that this was as hard on him as it
was on me. Neither one of us wanted to part ways.
Leaning forward I kissed him once more, whispering "I
love you," before the conductor pushed me back into
car of the train.

from my seat on the train I looked out the window to
see him smiling at me from the platform. The train
jerked once, twice, three times and we were rolling
down the tracks. Waving to him until I could see my
love no more I settled back into my seat, blinking
quickly to keep my tears at bay. Staring at the
snow-covered tree limbs as they rolled by I tried to
force my mind onto happier thoughts. I was getting
married!

Although the train had been relatively empty at El
Pano it began to fill as we passed through another
station. It would only be a little while until we
pulled into Asheville and my father would greet me at
the train station with open arms for his 'girlie'.
Across the aisle I saw a young man, tall and lanky,
and before I could stop myself I found my thoughts
dwelling on David. That horrible day was forever
burned in my mind, the day when both he and Neil had
met me in the schoolyard, one man offering me a ring,
the other one offering his heart.

It was then that many of the pieces in my puzzle fit
together and I began to see my future. I would never
leave the cove, not like I knew David would want to
eventually. But more importantly I knew, once and for
all, that I didn't love him. I had handed David back
his ring and told Neil to go home to his wife before
running away into the woods to cry alone. I had
thought I was alone; it turned out that Fairlight had
followed me. Together we sat on a fallen log and she
held me while I cried, never saying a word, just being
there for me as the true friend that she was.

That night, when I finally made it back to the mission
house well after dark, I was told by Ruby Mae that
David had left for good and, entering the main room, I
saw Neil standing next to the fire, Alice sobbing on
the davenport to the one side. Margaret had killed
herself. There had been a small funeral and Miss
Alice went off on a retreat for a few weeks to be
alone while she mourned her daughter. I was alone at
the mission, Ruby Mae off with Bessie, when Dan Scott
had come riding up. Creed was hurt and Dan couldn't
find Neil. Together we raced for the Allen cabin and
by the time we got there the stars had risen high in
the sky.

Through the night I worked side by side with Daniel
until, just as we both had given up hope, Creed woke
and we knew he would be okay. But a question still
rang out in my head. Where was Neil? I had to find
out so, as tired as I was, I had gone to his cabin to
find him. Opening the door I had searched the entire
cabin only to find he wasn't there. Too tired to keep
walking I sat down for a moment to rest,
unintentionally falling asleep in the giant chair by a
cold fireplace.

When I woke up I was lying down on what felt like a
pile of feathers, a quilt covering me, soft pillow
beneath my head. Looking around I knew this wasn't my
room. I could faintly smell pipe tobacco and that was
when I recognized the room from my one previous visit.
It was Neil's bedroom. Lifting the quilt I searched
for my shoes but couldn't find them. Padding down the
stairs I saw Neil sitting in a chair, staring at the
now roaring fire, his face brooding, contemplating
something I could only guess at.

That night we spent many hours talking. Never before
had I had such a conversation with him, with anyone
for that matter. Through the night, well on into the
morning we talked until, when the sun was high in the
sky again, I went home to the mission. That one night
had sparked the turning point in our relationship. I
had always considered the doctor to be a friend,
albeit a frustrating, egotistical, infuriating one,
but a friend none the less. It wasn't long until I
got to truly know the man behind the doctor and I knew
without a doubt where my heart belonged.

For three months he courted me. Walks by the river,
rides through the fields, dinner under the stars,
dancing on his porch, picnic lunches every Saturday.
It wasn't long until he asked me to marry him and I
agreed, with all my heart.

Pulling myself from my reverie I lifted the necklace
that hung over my blouse, staring at the intricate
design. No bigger than a child's palm it was a silver
pendant, aged by time, the symbol of the Clan MacNeill
of Scotland, an 'M' carved in the very center. Neil
had given it to me the night he asked me to marry him,
telling me that the necklace was worn only by the
women of his clan. His mother had worn it as her
mother had, and hers before that and now it was mine
to wear. One day it would be passed down to our
daughter, she would pass it to hers, and on down the
line. With loving fingers I traced the pattern,
smiling at all it represented; family, love,
friendship, past, present, and future.

Suddenly the train jerked harshly, I could hear the
sound of the train brakes squealing, wood splintering,
metal brushing, scraping, and sparking against metal.
A woman at the head of the car peered out the window
and a scream tore from her throat. No sooner had the
piercing sounds began than they were overwhelmed by
the sound of a crash and I was tossed form my seat
along with every other passenger on board.

The train was crashing!

Trying to stand I made it to shaky feet only to be
tossed back to the floor as something hit me from
behind. Pain exploded in my head, stars danced before
my eyes even as darkness crept into my vision. Lying
on the floor of the train car I was too dazed to move,
too shocked to grab onto something as I felt the
boxcar begin to roll, windows breaking with a tinkling
sound as pieces of the glass hit one another before
falling onto us. Screams were loud and long as women,
children and men alike were tossed around like rag
dolls in a box.

As suddenly as it began the movement ceased and the
world was still once more. The window next to me was
gone and I crawled to it, my head pounding with every
beat of my racing heart. Once outside I got my feet
and saw a blurry image of the train, crumpled like an
accordion, half on half off the tracks; a twisting
snake of metal and wood. The air was filled with a
pungent smell; I knew it from somewhere but I couldn't
put a name to it. No sooner had I picked up that
smell than another pushed its way to my senses.

Smoke.

There was a fire.

Looking up and down I saw a small stream of liquid
making its way over the snow and suddenly I remembered
what the first smell was. Gasoline. The train had
been carrying large tanks of gasoline to be shipped to
Asheville for the city cars. The thin brownish liquid
was making its way toward me and I knew I should get
away from it. Before I could take another painful
step the nightmare unfolded its last hideous act.

The fire was spreading and within seconds it would
reach the tanks of gasoline. I had to run. Without a
second thought I turned, running as the screams of
those still trapped echoed in my head, accompanying me
as I ran into the woods. No sooner than I had entered
the forest than a loud explosion filled the air, fire
bursting forth into the sky like fireworks. Even from
the distance I could feel the sudden heat of the
explosion.

The first one still burning another explosion burst
out as the second tank became engulfed in flames, the
third not long after. I needed to escape the heat
from the burning fire and I kept running, away from
the fire, away from the screams of those burning alive
in the flames. Tears coursing down my face I could
feel them freezing on my cheeks. I needed to find
shelter; I needed to get help.

I needed Neil.

How long I walked I don't know but there was nothing
left in me. I swore I couldn't take another step but
somehow I kept going. Calling on God I prayed for him
to help me, to sustain me long enough to find help, a
cabin, shelter, something. Stumbling over a rock I
fell into the snow. All I wanted to do was lie there,
but I knew I couldn't. Forcing myself to my feet I
kept on, tripping and falling several more times, each
time becoming harder and harder to pick myself up.

Once more I tripped, falling to the ground in the
middle of a small clearing. Trying to raise myself up
I couldn't, there was nothing left. My head was on
fire, a burning searing pain gripping it with each
pulse, each beat sending out another wave of pain.
Somehow I knew that this was it. 'Oh dear God,' I
prayed in my head. 'Let my family remember how much I
love them.'

Lying in the snow a blessed numbness took over and I
no longer felt any pain. As it had on the train a
calming blackness began to creep over my vision until
I could see nothing. As I wrapped myself in this
blanket of darkness I spoke one last word to the harsh
cold woods that surrounded me.

"Neil..."

'I love you.'


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Memories of the Heart - Chapter One


Pain.

Throbbing pain was the first thing to claim my senses
as I woke. I wanted to put my hand to my head but I
couldn't, they were pinned by the quilt wrapped around
me. Moaning I felt something cool pressed against my
forehead. Using all the energy I had in me I cracked
open my eyes and saw a woman sitting over me, her long
raven hair falling over her shoulder as she smiled
down at me. She was a beautiful woman, high
cheekbones, strong jaw, but it was her gray eyes that
held my attention as they smiled down at me.

"Rest little lost one," she whispered to me.

Who was this woman?

As much as I wanted answers her face disappeared as my
eyes closed and I found myself drifting off into
blackness. This darkness was a comfort ending the
pain I felt all over my body. Warmth filled me and I
was soon fast asleep once more.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The fire, I could feel it burning my skin, lapping
against it as though I were made of wood. The heat.
The heat was unbearable! It hurt, so much; incredible
pain filled my body. When I thought I could take no
more, when a scream began to build within me, a hand
suddenly reached down to pick me up, cradling me
against their chest, safe from the fire. I tried to
see their face but I couldn't. Without words he, it
was a man- though I don't know how I knew- led me away
from the fire, through the woods and the forest, along
a babbling river to a large clearing in the mountains.

This place, I knew this place, the buildings, the
trees, the small pond, somehow they all seemed
familiar to me. The man led me to the schoolhouse and
I could see children, all sitting in a row, each one
of their faces beaming up at me. I sat down behind a
desk laden down with bundles of flowers and small
baskets of apples, all shiny and red, perfect little
apples from perfect little children.

I stood, picked up a small little white lump and
turned to face the children again but they were gone.
In each row I saw women, men, bloodied, burned, each
one staring at me with unseeing eyes. Suddenly they
stood and approached me, their eyes accusing me as a
fire burned within them. Backing away I couldn't go
any farther but they kept coming, advancing until they
were so close I could feel the heat from the fire that
burned in their eyes. Reaching out the smeared their
blood over my face and clothes until I was as bloody
and burned as them, red mixing with black.

Two men clamped their hands over my wrists; pulling me
out of the room with them, back through the woods to
the fire that still burned. Behind the large crowd,
unable to reach me the man that had saved me tried to
get to me but he couldn't. I heard him yelling out to
me as he was taken away by two of the men, his voice
resounding in my head, 'I love you; I will find you!'
With a push and a shove I was thrown back into the
fire, flames burning my clothes, my hair, my skin, the
pain searing itself though my body. A scream built
within my body as I fought the pain until it burst
out, echoing over the roar of the fire.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


"Hush now, you're safe!"

The same gentle voice I'd heard before sounded out
now, whispers and soothing words of safety, pulling me
from the fire that roared and flamed in my mind. My
throat was raw and I realized I must have screamed
even as I realized it had only been a dream, a
nightmare. Tears stung at my eyes and rolled down the
side of my face only to be wiped away by a gentle
hand.

"You're okay now, dearheart. You don't have anything
to be afraid of."

Opening my eyes I saw the woman from before, her raven
hair and gray eyes a small comfort as her words sunk
in through the haze of my mind. I was safe. Safe
from what? My brow drew in confusion. Safe from my
nightmare? The woman smiled down at me, wiping away a
tear that lingered on my face.

"My name is Jira, my husband found you collapsed in
the woods and brought you here to me. You had been
hurt and you were frozen through. Thanks be to God
that I was able to warm you, though I was afraid I
would lose you still when the fever set in. You were
delirious with it, I've never heard a woman scream
so."

Looking up at her for a moment I let my gaze slide
around the room. Simple wooden walls, floor and
ceiling also, though they had been decorated with
scraps of leather hide strung together in a
beautifully intricate design and various dried herbs
and utensils hung from every available space. From
the bed I lay in I could tell that the ceiling was
low, so low that only a child would be able to stand
up straight. Who would build a room this way? I
couldn't help but wonder at the room and why the
builder had built it so.

Shifting my gaze back to the woman I scrutinized her
carefully, looking past the beauty I had seen at
first. Though I could not tell if she were old or
young I saw the crinkled lines around her eyes and
knew she was a happy woman, one who loved to smile and
laugh. Her hands pressed a cool cloth to my forehead
and I could see that they were work worn yet with a
soft touch that a mother knows only to well. Calluses
and scars marred her hands yet I found them as
beautiful as her face; these hands had lived a hard
life, but not so hard that they had lost their sense
of gentleness and peace.

While she wiped my face with the cool cloth I studied
her, this woman named Jira. Her shirt was patched but
it was clean linen that flowed over her arms,
billowing with her movements, and was covered by a
dark shawl, fringed with long strands that fell in
ripples over her blouse. Though I couldn't tell the
color her skirt was also clean and in good repair.
What stood out most of her clothing were the
accessories that I saw in her ears. One ear held a
hoop shaped earbob, the other a simple ball, both of
them silver in color.

"Do you feel up to taking some broth? We are not rich
people but you are welcome to share our food with us."

"Us?" I asked as she helped me up before lifting the
spoon to my mouth. The broth was good, warm and
soothing to my raw throat.

"My family and I. We are a large family so it can be
difficult to feed everyone in these winter times." I
looked to the bowl filled with broth with some
trepidation. I would not take food from these people
if they themselves needed it. "Don't look like that
little lost one, broth is one thing we have plenty of
right now. The men have recently killed a deer and
this is the broth from the meat. Take some more, you
need the strength."

I continued accept the broth filled spoon as she told
me of her family. Jira's father, Paolo, was the man
in charge of their large family, several actually. It
was a small community of families that banded
together, camping in the winter and traveling in the
summer looking for a new place to live. Though they
held no relation to them the people Jira called her
family lived as gypsies. Soon the broth was gone and
I was beginning to feel tired again. Laying my head
on the pillow I closed my eyes, listening as Jira
softly hummed a song while she tucked the quilt in
over me, once more trapping my arms underneath. The
sweet melody lulled me into comfort and once more I
was asleep.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Standing on a large boulder I looked out over the
horizon and saw the mountain range before me, majestic
in its shawl of clouds. This was a beautiful place,
one where I felt as close to God as I could possibly
be. All around I saw beauty, heard too. In the
distance I could hear the birds singing in tune with a
bell as it tolled out its song. Trees were filled
with autumn's leaves, fruit on the trees ripe and
ready for the plucking. As I stared out at it all a
feeling of peace washed over me, so beautiful it made
me weep.

A strong pair of arms encircled me and I knew it was
the man I loved. Together we watched the beauty of
the mountains surrounding us, we were silent, no words
needed to be said. I could feel his love for me as
though it were a shawl he wrapped around my shoulder
to keep the chill of autumn from my bones; safely
hidden away from the hatred of the world below us.

"I love you," he whispered to me, his voice filled
with the love he expressed. Turning me around to face
him I watched as he hung a necklace around my neck, a
silver pendant aged by time but still shining brightly
with the love it offered to me. "So long as you wear
this I will always be with you, no matter where you
are or how many miles we have been separated by."

Looking up I wished I could see his face, I tried with
all my might, but I couldn't. Wrapping my arms around
him I held tightly, clutching his shirt in my hands as
I tried to get even closer to him, afraid that if I
didn't he would leave me.

"I love you," I whispered back to him. "With all my
heart."

Suddenly I was alone once more, watching as the
mountains I loved so much burst into flames, the trees
glowing as bright red flames licked away the leaves,
the fruit, the bark, leaving only burnt stumps behind,
blood oozing from them to cover the ground until it
was nothing more than a pool of red. Everything I had
loved was gone. Raising my hands to cover my face
against the horrors before me I saw the necklace's
pendant clutched in my fingers and I remembered his
words. I knew I would never take this necklace off,
wearing until the day I died, as I would carry his
love with me the same.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Opening my eyes I saw that the room was empty.
Cautiously I worked my arms out from under the quilt
until they were completely free. Sitting up I fought
the dizziness that tossed the rook about and sat on
the edge of the bed. Eyes closed I heard, rather than
saw, someone enter the room. I was so dizzy the room
seemed to rock back and forth. Thankfully it stopped
when Jira settled down next to me.

"You're awake, good. I have some clothes for you to
change into so that I can wash the ones you wear now.
They aren't fancy but they're warm against winters
chill."

Handing me a small bundle of clothes I changed quickly
while she waited. No sooner were my clothes in her
hands than she tossed them to a pair of waiting hands
in the doorway. Smiling at me she handed me a brush,
motioning for me to brush out my tousled hair.
Reaching back I ran the brush through only to find
that the hair stopped just below my ears. It wasn't
long like Jira's.

"I'm sorry we had to cut your hair, it was beautiful
but the blood had congealed so that it was impossible
to wash out."

"What happened?"

"You were wounded, your head was bleeding from the
back and you had the largest pump knot I've ever seen.
At first I was sure you were going to die, especially
when the fever set in, but with God's grace you
recovered and sit before me now, a living, breathing
woman."

"How did I end up in the woods?" I was so confused.

Jira smiled and shook her head. "We were hoping you
could tell us that. Apparently you don't know any
better than we do. Why don't we start with something
simple? What is your name little lost one?"

My name; a simple thing to recall. Yet why did it
elude me? Surely I know my own name? Drawing my brow
in confusion I concentrated on recalling my name.
Several moments later I looked up at Jira again, tears
stinging at my eyes. "I don't know," I whispered. "I
don't know...!"

Sitting on the bed next to me Jira put her arm around
my shoulders as the tears began to fall. How could I
not know who I was? Desperately trying to recall
something about my life all I could remember was
waking here, with Jira by my side. Before that there
was nothing, absolutely nothing. Sobbing in her arms
I clung to Jira, taking the support, the comfort and
the friendship that she offered me with her silence.

"There, there little lost one. Nothing is completely
bad. Perhaps God has given you a chance to star anew
with your life, or mayhap He has another lesson in
store for you. Only time will tell, but you must
trust in God to reveal things at the proper time, for
He is the keeper of all knowledge and when He feels
the time is right He shall let you know."

Wiping the tears from my eyes with the edge of her
sleeve she smiled at me, a simple act that filled me
with hope. She was right; I must be patient. Taking
a deep breath I calmed my self down and offered a
small smile in return.

"That's better. Now come with me and I shall
introduce you to the rest of my family. It is time
you met them and they you."

Donning my shoes, leaving the small room, I found that
it wasn't a room at all but rather a wagon of sorts, a
wooden hard covered wagon. Barely ten feet away a
door led into a small building, barely bigger than a
one-room cabin. Entering through the doorway I saw a
fire blazing at the one end of the room to keep
winters chill at bay, its heat filling the cabin. I
stopped in my tracks when I saw that the room was
filled with people, all sorts, men, women, children,
all staring back at me.

"This is my family," Jira smiled. Pointing to each
one she introduced them. "My man, Leeler, and his
brother Jacob. Jacob's wife Silky and their new babe
Cotton. The man stoking the fire is my brother Mason
and that is his girl Celia. Peter and Kenthew,
Leeler's cousins, and the woman there is Emma, my
sister. The young'uns are out playing in the snow,
you'll see them all at supper. These are my parents,
Ninnette and Paolo. They are the head of our family.
Mamma, Papa, this is the woman Leeler and Kenthew
found in the woods."

Both of them nodded, smiling at her with warm eyes.
"We're glad you are well. For a little while we
weren't sure if you were going to stay in this world,"
Ninnette told me, her eyes as kind as Jira's, I could
see where the daughter got her eyes, the mothers
colored the same shade of gray. "What is your name
girl?"

"I don't know," looking down at my hands. "I'm sorry,
I..."

"Nothing to be sorry for, goodness knows what you were
running from or what brought ye to the woods. Come;
sit with me while we eat. Perhaps I will think of a
name ye agree with before the night is up." Ninnette
patted the cushion next to her and with a nudge from
Jira I sat next to the older woman.

Conversation resumed and I listened to them but it was
soon interrupted again as the children came in from
the outdoors, their faces bright red and smiling, each
one growing curious when they saw me sitting next to
their grandmother. Made to wait until the evening
meal was over the children watched with curious eyes
as Jira made the introductions. So many children.

The oldest was Celia, she was sixteen, and then there
was Skye and his younger sister Marla, the children of
Jira and Leeler. Jacob and Silky had two children,
Cotton, a little boy of barely three months, and
Rashan, their four-year-old son. The only other child
was Shay, Emma's daughter. Everyone was related in
some way, one large, happy family. I couldn't help
but smile.

"I have decided on a name for ye, little lost one."
Turning I looked at Ninnette as she took my hand in
hers. "We shall call ye Merry, for the look that
seems most natural on ye face is that of a smile."

Merry.

I had a name.

I liked it.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Two


Jolted awake I lay in the bed, heart racing, as I
tried to catch my breath. Every night it was the same
nightmare. Burning fires, screaming people covered in
blood calling out for me to join them. I knew I
didn't belong with them but every time I awoke I
wondered, just where did I belong?

I'd been with Jira and her family for a little over
four months now and life seemed to be okay, barring
the nightmares from that decree. I had been working
side by side in the kitchen with Ninnette and Emma to
prepare the food brought home by the men. Kenthew was
an excellent hunter, always bringing a good-sized deer
with him when he went out; there was always enough for
everyone to eat.

Getting up from the bed I slipped on my shoes and went
out into the balmy outdoors, staring up at the stars
between the trees. I longed to stand by a river and
stare at the moonlight, though I didn't know why, but
I contented myself to stay where I was. Even outdoors
I could hear the shifting of the sleeping people in
and around the wagons. They were a family to each
other; did I, too, have a family somewhere? Were
there people who worried about me? Did they love me
like Jira, Emma, Jacob, Paolo, Ninnette and all the
rest did each other?

The night's peace was broken by the screech of an owl
and I turned to see Jira standing next to me, I hadn't
even heard her approach. In silence we both stared at
the peaceful night sky for a little while more.

"It seems that even the darkest times have a beauty to
them."

I knew she meant more than just the nighttime darkness
and the beauty of its stars. Jira had a wonderful way
of including a lesson in the simplest of stories. I
wondered what the beauty was going to be in my
'darkest time'.

"I'm going to give Leeler a third child, Merry."

A baby! "That's wonderful news, Jira! Leeler must be
quite proud."

"I haven't told him yet. I want for you to be this
child's Aunt. Leeler will not accept you as so if you
become my sister after I have told him of the child."

Her sister. She'd mentioned this to me before; it was
something I'd been thinking about for a little while
now. Could I join her family and give up whatever
family I may have had before? I may not know who they
are but there had to be those of my own blood out
there, if I could just remember who and where they
were.

"I won't ask you to give up the dream of finding your
own family, Merry, only to join mine as well. A woman
with two families is a blessed woman indeed."

Smiling at her I took Jira's hand in mine. "I would
be honored to have you as my sister."

Jira hugged me close and I prayed that I had made the
right decision.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The day was a busy one for me, a riding lesson with
Leeler in the morning, he was insistent that I be as
good a rider as the rest of the men. To the people I
now called family a single woman was expected to work
with the men so, along with Celia, I worked side by
side with the men chopping wood, hunting, making
repairs, caring for the livestock, all the work they
did as well. Though I wasn't much of a rider at first
I had made incredible progress in these last four
months.

Since the day I had joined their family four months
ago I had seen a difference in the treatment I
received from the men. Though the women had accepted
me almost immediately the men had held off their
friendship, almost as though they wanted to see if I
was going to stick around, keeping their distance
until I made the choice. Now though, I was truly
their sister. Every day there was a new lesson,
Kenthew teaching me the finer point of hunting, Jacob
helping me to ride with ease and also with speed and
agility and Mason teaching me to work with tools to
make repairs keep a cabin in proper order. Leeler had
become the big brother, showing me how to fight off a
man and how to win a fight if I couldn't avoid it. I
still had a lot of work to do but I was improving.

But Peter's lessons were the ones I enjoyed most.
Every night around the fire, after the evening meal
was eaten, he taught me to play music on his guitar.
One night I had been picking out a tune, it was one
that I didn't know and yet at the same time I did.
The melody was haunting and yet I knew it meant
something to me, something that had been good in my
life. Every night I plucked it out of the strings,
trying to get the notes right, and trying to remember
what it meant.

We had traveled all summer, heading north for a while
before turning around and heading back to the south
when we found nothing to keep us in the north. Now
that winter had come again we were settled down in an
abandoned cabin. For a few days Celia and I worked
with the men to get it back in good repair before
allowing the married women to make it a home.

As I sat by the fire, my knees drawn up to my chest, I
toyed with the silver hoop in my right ear, the silver
ball shaped ear bob in my left, and I couldn't help
but remember the day I had allowed them to place them
in my ears. Jira had asked me to be her sister and I
had agreed. Little did I know that meant putting a
hole in my earlobes? That night I lay still on the
floor watching her heat a large canvas needle in a pot
of boiling water. A few moments later, the initial
pain passed, I had a hole in my right ear that was
filled with a silver hoop and one in my left that held
a silver ball.

A single woman wore the hoop in her right ear, a
married woman in her left. If I were to marry I would
switch it. But with that thought rose yet another
question to my mind. Was I already married? The man
in my dreams, who was he? Friend? Lover? Husband?
Would I ever know? A small sigh escaped my lips as I
stared at the fire, dropping my hand to my knees,
hugging them close.

Little Cotton crawled his way over to sit next to me,
playing with the hem of my skirt, chewing on it with
his three little teeth. Picking him up I sat the
little boy in my lap and we listened to Peter play
songs all night long. Looking down after some time I
saw that he was asleep and stood to put the young'un
to bed. Sitting next to him for a moment I tucked the
quilt in tightly around his precious little body
before heading back to the main room. Most of the
children were put to bed leaving the adults to sit
around the fire-warmed room.

"I'm going hunting tomorrow, Merry, you'll come?"
Kenthew told me as I seated myself back by the fire.

"Very well, I'll be ready."

I didn't enjoy hunting, it was something I knew was
needed but I never enjoyed it. According to Kenthew
his teaching was paying off, I brought home as much
meat as the other men did; he was quite proud. I was
glad to make him happy but I would never raise an
argument if he never asked me to join him again. The
men went to smoke outside, Ninnette refusing to let
them smoke in the cabin, leaving the women behind.
Immediately they all looked to me, their eyes filled
with mirth and secrets.

"He's sweet on you, Merry."

"What?"

Ninnette smiled and continued to sew her shirt for
Paolo while the other women giggled together. Sweet
on me? Who? Surely they were mistaken. All of the
men were like brothers to me, nothing more.

"Kenthew is sweet on you," Emma repeated with a broad
grin. She was making no secret of how pleased she was
with the news.

"Kenthew?"

Celia nodded. "He's always talking about you with
Papa and Leeler. I heard him asking Paolo how he
should tell you how he feels. Kenthew isn't too good
with his words, he's better with his rifle and
skinning knife."

Kenthew was sweet on me? "Are you sure?" I didn't
want to believe it; I couldn't believe it.

from across the room I saw Ninnette glance at me with
her wise eyes before sharing a look with Jira.
"Merry, my legs need to stretch, would you walk with
me for a little?"

"Yes, of course Jira."

Standing I took both her wrap and mine and we left the
cabin, passing the men outside and heading off down a
well-worn trail. We walked in silence for a few
moments until Jira began to speak.

"You're upset by Emma's comment."

It wasn't a question, she knew that it was so. Jira
always seemed to know what I was feeling. "Yes," I
replied.

"Why? Do you not find him attractive?"

Kenthew? Of course he was an attractive man, but...
"How can I even look at one man when my heart is tied
up with another?"

"The man from your dreams."

I nodded my head. Jira fell silent again and I was
not able to speak myself. This was bad news for me,
to know that Kenthew was sweet on me, that he liked me
in a way I simply could not return. I know that man
in my dreams is only in my dreams but it is so real to
me, I know that in my other life I loved him with all
my heart and he me. But I could not put that behind
me and move on to this life as I had with everything
else. My heart wouldn't let me.

"This man that you see in your dreams, do you know who
he is?"

"No, only that I love him and he loves me." Sighing I
sat down on a fallen tree. Reaching below my shirt I
withdrew the silver necklace, warm from its place over
my heart, and stared at it. "He's with me everywhere
I go, living in my heart and in my dreams."

"Perhaps he is only a dream."

"Then what of this necklace? I know he gave it to me,
I don't know how or why I know it but I do. This man...
he means the world to me, I love him and..." my throat
began to close off. Tears welled up in my eyes and I
dropped my gaze to the necklace, drawing comfort from
it as I had so many nights after my nightmares. "... I
can't remember him..." A sob choked me and I fought to
regain control over my emotion but it was a hopeless
battle.

Sitting next to me Jira hugged one arm close, clasping
my hand within hers with a gentle touch I'd seen her
use on the children. "One cannot help who one loves.
The heart is a stubborn organ that does as it pleases,
no matter how much pain it may cause to us." She was
silent for a few moments before speaking again. "If
you cannot love Kenthew as he wishes you to, you must
respect him enough to tell him so."

Nodding I wiped my tears away and tried to smile.
"Thank you for understanding Jira. I will tell him
tomorrow."

"No," she replied with a shake of her head. "You must
tell him tonight. Tomorrow he will ask you Paolo to
court you. Tell him tonight and spare him a little of
the pain he will feel." Jira stood and put her hand
on my shoulder to keep me seated. "I will send him to
you."

I watched her walk away and I felt a twinge on envy in
my heart. Tonight she would lie beside the man she
loved knowing that he was safe beside her but I would
only know that the man I loved existed; I could not
even remember if he was alive or dead. The pendant in
my hand I was still staring at it, memorizing its
intricate design, though I had already done so several
times, when I heard someone approach. Looking up I
saw Kenthew stop a few feet away.

"Please, come sit," I smiled at him as he took Jira's
place on the fallen tree. "Kenthew there is something
I must ask of you."

"What ever you ask I shall do."

"Do not make such a promise for I know it will be a
hard one to keep." Pausing I wondered how to say what
needed to be said. What words could I use that would
not plunge a blade into his chest? "In the world,
somewhere, there is a man that I have given my heart
to. I don't know where he is or who he is but I know
that I love him with every beat of my heart."

"This man is from your old life?"

"Yes, but..."

"Then he died with the memory of it as well. This is
your new life, here with us, Merry."

"I know, Kenthew. But I cannot control what my heart
feels. Nothing can change how I feel for this man and
I can only pray that one day God will see fit to
return me to his side."

I watched as his face grew angry. "You've made a fool
of me!"

"No! Never, Kenthew! I think of you as my brother, I
would never wish to see you hurt. That is why I
wanted to tell you this tonight, before you spoke with
Paolo."

"Your life is here, with us Merry! The life you led
before is over and it is time you forgot it and moved
on!"

"My life is here with my new family but I can never
forget that there are other people who must have loved
me as well. I'm sorry Kenthew, I cannot love you like
that when my heart belongs to another."

I knew I had hurt him, I could see it in his eyes
before he left, rushing away from me before his anger
grew beyond his control. I don't know how long I sat
there on the tree but eventually Leeler came through
the brush, worried, and took me back to the fire.
Jira helped me into bed once Leeler had brought me
back to our home. My head on the pillow I prayed that
Kenthew would find someone to love that would love him
back as he deserved.

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Three


Standing in the woods I saw a clearing up ahead and
went towards it. There was laughter that filled the
air, children's laughter; I could see them as I left
the edge of the forest. The bell in my hand began to
ring and the children scampered into the building that
they played around. Following them I saw that they
were all seated in rows the smallest ones up front to
the larger ones in back, each one smiling at me with
their perfect little faces.

Try as I may I could not see their faces but I knew
they were perfect little children with angelic smiles;
I loved each and every one of them as though they were
my own child. Moving to the front of the building I
saw a desk filled with all sorts of delightful little
goodies, gifts from the children to me.

Leaves of many different color, little robin eggshells
of the palest blue I'd ever seen. Bunches of flowers
tied with crude string or scraps of cloth. Apples,
bushels and bushels of apples scattered all over the
desk and floor. Arrowheads that had been polished
till they shone, small rocks that the river had
smoothed down until there wasn't a rough edge on them.
Papers filled with drawings and letters, poems and
stories all for me.

The children. They brought a feeling of joy to my
heart that would last me until the day I died. I
loved them; they loved me.

One little child, a boy, got up from his desk and
leisurely walked down the aisle to meet me. Tugging
on my skirt I knelt down so that I was looking him in
the eyes even though they were eyes that I couldn't
see. 'I'm come ta swap howdies with ya.' Such a
sweet, sweet little boy. He returned to his seat and
a little girl approached the same way he had. But her
walk more timid as though expecting punishment for her
actions. Without words she handed me a large blue
button and I saw that it had fallen from her coat.
Pulling the little girl into my lap I took a needle
and thread from my pocket, sewing the button back onto
her coat, and she smiled at me.

The joy of the children filled my heart.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Waking suddenly to the rocking of the wagon I rose
from my bed and slipped out of the wagon to see Leeler
struggling with two heavy sacks, both weighing at
least a hundred pounds apart. Ignoring the ground,
still wet with dew, I grabbed one of the sacks from
him to keep him from jarring another wagon and waking
yet another sleeper.

"Leeler? What are you doing?"

"Sorry, Merry, I didn't mean to wake you. Tripped
over a root and lost my balance."

"Well it serves you right, trying to carry both of
these at the same time, you'll hurt yourself. Why on
earth are you up so early? It's still a few hours
until sunrise."

"I would not and you know it. Besides I want to get
everything under way so we can head out first thing
this morning. We need to get through this next
stretch as fast as possible, the people here don't
take too kindly to travelers."

"Why's that?" I asked as we loaded the sacks onto the
supply wagon.

Wiping his brow Leeler sat on the edge of the wagon
bed and rested for a moment. "They don't take kindly
to outsiders of any kind. It's just the way they are.
Merry," his eyes sought mine with a seriousness that
startled me. "I'm supposed to travel the back today
but with Jira so close the birthin' I'd like to stay
near as possible."

"Of course, I'll take back so you can have middle."

Leeler smiled. "Thanks."

"Let me get dressed and I'll help, you with the load."

Slipping back into the wagon I pulled on a pair of
pants and my shirt. 'Riding back' was Leeler's way of
saying 'bringing up the rear'. I would be the last
person in our little wagon train, making sure nothing
was left behind and that everyone stayed on course.
The only way to do it was on horseback and it was just
plain easier to do it in pants than a skirt.

It also meant making sure no one tried to sneak up
behind us and rob the family of the little they had.
With Kenthew's tracking skills needed in the front to
scout out the best path it was best if someone of a
good shot stayed in the back. Jacob drove the wagon
since Jira was pregnant and Peter stayed with Kenthew,
which left only Celia and I. Between the two of us I
was the better shot.

Dressed I went out to help Leeler load the supply
wagon. I could feel his worry as we worked; not only
for Jira but also for the traveling we would do today.
Watching him I wondered how bad it really was but I
prayed we wouldn't find out. Still dark out I saw how
easy it was for Leeler to have tripped over the root
as I did so myself, falling into the side of the wagon
as he had. But working together it wasn't long until
the wagon was loaded. While Leeler went to wake the
other men I took a moment to answer natures call,
disappearing into the woods to do so.

Passing a fallen tree my mind went to the night
Kenthew had stormed away in anger. It had been rough
the next day while we hunted and the silence between
us so thick you'd need a knife to cut it. But as time
had passed our relationship improved and now we were
good friends again. But Kenthew was a young man and
he had love on the mind. With Celia and Peter waiting
until she was eighteen, by her father's decree, there
was no one for him to turn to. It was hard on him and
again I prayed that he would find a woman to love.

It had been over a year now since Leeler had found me
in the woods and Jira had nursed me back to health. I
had changed much since then, thinning out both around
my waist and in my face, my hair was just past my
shoulders now, and I was so much stronger as well.
Looking at my reflection in a puddle where I rinsed my
hands I wondered what else had changed that I hadn't
noticed. Who would notice the changes though? The
family had only known me since then. Would I ever
meet someone who knew of me before? What would happen
if I did?

"Merry!"

I heard Leeler call my name and, heading back to the
campsite I saw that everyone was ready to go.
Grabbing my hat, I saw that Ernst was already saddled;
I mounted and nodded to Leeler. Sitting atop Jacob's
horse I watched as the rest of them moved out along
the trail, Kenthew and Peter already under way to
scout the trail. Once everyone else had cleared out I
gave the campsite one last look and followed them down
the trail.

It was a peaceful day along the trails, though a hot
day as the sun began to rise in the sky. When we
stopped for noon meal I borrowed Jacob's hat, putting
my hair up in it to get it off my neck, the brim low
to keep the sun out of my eyes. It wasn't long until
we were on the trail again.

Riding through the woods I felt a growing sense of
uneasiness. These trails, the trees, they seemed
familiar to me, as though I had seen them before. But
where? I know we'd never traveled this part of the
mountains before and yet somehow I felt as though I'd
been here before. Shaking my head I laughed at
myself, a tree is just a tree, if you've seen one
you've seen them all.

Right?

More and more disconcerted I jumped in the saddle when
a shot rang out. Having fallen a bit behind the rest
of the group I urged Ernst into a gallop and raced for
the wagons, my mind imagining the worst. What I saw
stopped my heart cold. Leeler and Jacob were lowering
Jira down from the wagon, a large red stain spreading
itself over her shoulder.

"Jira!" I cried.

Dropping from the saddle I knelt next to her, pulling
a neckerchief from around my neck to press to her
shoulder. Leeler was shaking, his face paling with
each drop of blood she shed. Through the brush
Kenthew and Peter came crashing into view dragging to
young boys with them, tossing them to the ground, guns
trained at the two strangers, barely older then
children.

"They shot her!"

"T'was an accident! We heered the nis 'n'thought ya
was deer! Honest! We di'n' mean ya no harm, we'd
nevuh shoot a gal!" one of them cried, as pale and
shaking as Leeler.

Looking at her shoulder I knew she was loosing too
much blood and I didn't want to think what this would
do to the baby.

"Is there a doctor in this cove?" looking at the two
boys. Both shook heir head quickly. "You," pointing
to the blond one, slightly smaller than the dark
haired one. "Come with me, show me how to find the
doctor."

Getting to my feet I mounted Ernst, pulling the boy up
behind me and, with him pointing the way, we were off,
racing against time to find the doctor. Nothing was
said between us save for his directions of which trail
to take. Urging Ernst to go faster we broke into a
clearing and I raced full throttle for the building at
the top of the hill. As I slowed the horse the young
man jumped off from behind me running into the
building. Seconds later a large man came running out
with saddle bags in his hands, his longish red hair
curly and in disarray.

This man was the doctor? He looked more like a hunter
than a skilled physician but if the people that lived
here trusted him I had no choice. Jira needed help.
As he mounted a woman emerged from within the
building, the young man at her side. Meeting her eyes
for the briefest of moments the older woman paled as
though she'd seen a ghost. Though the sight of it
nagged at me I pushed it aside as I raced back to the
trail, the doctor behind me all the way, until we
reached Jira's side.

While I wanted to go be with Jira I knew I would only
be in the way, my emotions would get the best of me,
whether it be fear or concern, and I opted to speak
with the second young man that Kenthew and Peter were
watching over. "Tell me what happened boy."

His eyes grew wide and for a moment I wondered if he
was going to pass out, his face wearing the same look
as the woman before. I repeated my demand,
purposefully making my voice harder than before; it
worked.

"We was huntin'. Me 'n' John we thought we heered a
deer so we tuk aim. Only after we fir'd 'n' dun seen
it was people we gots scared a run'd away. Yer men
found us and drug us back 'ere. Honest, we di'n' mean
ta shoot 'er, we're so sorry!"

Looking past the boy to Kenthew and Peter I saw both
of them shaking their heads, they didn't believe his
story. Turning away I went over to Paolo, as the head
of the family he had final decision about what to do.
Telling him what the boy had told me I waited for his
answer. "Get their names and let them go," he said
after a moment. "We'll talk with their Pa's later
after we know how Jira is doing."

Nodding I went back to the boy, demanding his name and
that of his friend John. "I be Rob Allen and my
friend be John Spencer. Please, we di'n' mean ta
hurt'er."

"You go home and you tell your Pa what happened today,
see to it that your friend John does the same. When
this is over we'll be talking to your kin about what
you've done. No git."

"Yes'm." Though he moved a step away the boy looked
back at me, stopping in his tracks, his eyes as wide
as a full moon. "Ma'am..."

"What?" I snapped at him, my concern for Jira
outweighing my anger toward him, for now. Turning to
look him in the eyes I saw that he still wore a pale
look. Why was he staring at me like that?

"Nothin' ma'am."

He was gone quicker than a deer, disappearing into the
brush. Kenthew and Peter weren't happy but let him go
both of them knowing that Paolo had made his decision.
Turning to check on Jira I saw that the doctor has
sitting on his horse while Jacob and Leeler were
putting Jira in the wagon. Before I could ask what
was happening Leeler began to move the wagon down the
trail, both he and the doctor going as fast as they
could.

"What's going on?" I asked Ninnette.

Her eyes tearing she told me that they were taking
Jira back to the mission so the doctor could operate
to remove the bullet in a clean place so as to reduce
the risk of infection. Sending the women and children
on ahead in the other wagon I stayed back with Celia
and Jacob to care for the last two wagons, Kenthew and
Peter staying with the women and children just in
case. Some time later we pulled up to the building
and saw the women and children gathered on the front
porch.

Pushing my way indoor I looked to the one side and saw
the large doctor bending over Jira's too still form, a
dark skinned man working side by side with him. The
sight too much for me I looked the other way to see
the older woman from before offering Ninnette some tea
to calm herself. When she straightened and saw me the
teapot in her hand shook a bit as she placed it on the
table. I was sure the situation had overwhelmed her.

"Are you all right ma'am? Do you need to sit down?"

Shaking her head the woman looked at me with a kind
smile, though I also saw some sadness in it. "No,
thank thee, I will be quite fine. Though perhaps thee
would like some tea?"

"No, thank you, I don't think I could handle anything
right now."

Taking Jacob's hat off I ran my hands shakily through
my hair, the events of this last hour beginning to
catch up with my nerves, I could feel my heart still
racing in my chest. Even through all that I could
still feel the uneasiness from the woods, before Jira
had been hurt. It hadn't gone away, only increasing
as I stood in the building and saw each reaction of
the strangers I met, their faces paling and eyes
widening in disbelief of something. But what?

"This is Miss Alice Henderson, she runs the mission
here," Emma introduced the woman to me.

"Miss Alice Henderson," nodding to her, trying to
curve my lips into a passable smile. "My name is
Merry. Thank you for allowing us to use the mission
for the operation."

"'Tis only a little thing, Doctor MacNeill uses our
mission quite often," she smiled back, her smile as
fake as mine. Something had truly put this woman off
kilter. "Merry is thy name? An interesting one if I
may say so."

"I'm afraid it's the only one I know."

Even as the words left my mouth I felt they were
strange, as she did as well, a frown crossing her
face. Before I could say another word a mans voice,
thick with an accent I couldn't quite place, boomed
out over the silence.

"She'll be all right for now, but she's not to get out
of bed until her child is born. It shouldn't be too
long now, no doubt it will have been quickened by the
trauma."

Turning on my heel to face the doctor, the large man
with curly red hair, I watched as yet another
strangers face paled. The giant of a man who stood
before me stared at me, his eyes filling with pain and
disbelief, despair and hope all at once. "Christy,"
he breathed, his voice filled with all I saw in his
eyes.

My brow drew in confusion but my eyes were drawn to a
shock of wild bright red hair I saw pass through the
doorway, stopping in the space between the doctor and
I. Her eyes met mine and the girl screamed, fainting
into a heap on the floor.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Memories of the Heart - Chapter Four




Moving quickly the dark skinned man that had been
working with the doctor caught the girl before she
could hit her head on the wooden floor. Picking her
up in his arms he carried her into another room, Miss
Henderson following to be sure the girl was all right.
I turned back to face the doctor, his expression
unchanged though I could tell he had noted the girls
actions. From the corner of my eye I saw Mason enter
the room, putting his hand on my arm.

"Merry? We heard a scream, is everything okay in
here?"

"Yes," I replied, unable to remove my eyes from the
doctor's gaze, his eyes intense as they stared at me.
It felt as though he could see to my very soul. "The
girl, she fainted."

Looking from me to the doctor Mason moved a bit
between us, blocking me from his view though I could
still see him over Mason's shoulder. "Doctor, what of
Jira?"

Blinking the tall man shook his head and pulled his
thoughts back to his patient. Repeating his earlier
comments he added, "She'll need to stay here, at the
mission where I can keep an eye on her."

As though on cue Jira moaned from her place on the
table. Skirting around mason I passed the doctor and
moved to her side. I took her one hand in mine and
smoothed a stay lock of hair from her face. "It's
okay, Jira, don't try to move. You've been hurt but
you're going to be just fine."

"My baby?" she whispered, her gray eyes wide with
fright. "What about my baby?"

"Your baby is perfectly fine, but you'll give birth
soon, in a day or so I'll bet. Until then you have to
rest so that you have the energy to bring this child
into the world. It's very important, okay?" She
closed her eyes and nodded her head slightly. "Go
back to sleep, Jira, everything is going to be just
fine."

Summoning the help of Mason and Jacob Doctor MacNeill
had Jira moved to a room on the first floor of this
mission. Moving out to the porch in the back of the
mission I bent over, leaning my arms and head upon the
railing for support. What else could possibly go
wrong today? From behind me I heard the swoosh of
skirts and turned to see Miss Henderson standing in
the doorway, watching me as though she were seeing a
ghost.

"Ma'am? Is everything okay? You're staring."

With a shake of her head a smile returned. "I'm
sorry, thee must think me rude to stare as I did. It
is only..." she hesitated and moved to sit on one of the
chairs. "Thee look as a twin to a dear daughter that
passed on over a year ago. It is disconcerting to see
thee and think of thee as Merry instead of..." Pausing
her words she looked away and I could see that she was
having trouble containing her emotion.

"Christy?" She glanced up sharply and I knew that was
whom she spoke of. "I heard the Doctor call me that
name before the girl fainted. I'm sorry to bring this
pain back to your mind."

"Tis not thy fault," she tried to smile. "But I fear
thee will find this reaction all over the cove.
Christy was the mission teacher."

"May I ask...? What was she to the doctor? He seemed
affected more than most."

Miss Henderson met my gaze with all seriousness. "She
was to be his wife."

His wife! I could feel my heart twinge with her words
that explained the range of emotions I had seen in his
eyes. The man had lost his fiancé.

Before I could offer my sympathies to her again a
shout rang out from within the building, I recognized
it as Jacob's voice. Quickly I moved back into the
main room to find it empty, everyone was on the porch.
Stopping in the doorway I saw Kenthew taking aim at
someone, his face hardened into a stony mask. I moved
closer and saw an older man with a long beard and
steely eyes also pointing his rifle and Kenthew, a
stand off.

"Put it away Birdseye, these people are on mission
property," Miss Henderson said, her own rifle now in
her hands, though aimed at the sky.

What had started this? What would possible bring two
men to hold guns to each other in such a short time?
Then I saw it. A large boy, no older then Celia, was
standing a little behind the man called Birdseye his
lip bloody, and a cloth sac I recognized as my food
sac in his hands; the boy had stolen from us and was
caught. This man must be his father. I couldn't stop
the sigh that escaped my lips; our time here was not
going well at all.

"Paolo," I whispered to the old man standing against
the wall, watching with an interest hidden behind a
mask of impassion.

"The boy has stolen from us Merry, I'll not stop
Kenthew."

"The boy is just hungry, Paolo, food is in short
supply in these mountains."

Just past Paolo I saw the doctor look at me with a
look I couldn't quite read but I ignored him for now.
"The sac is mine Paolo, let him have it."

Thinking for a moment Paolo nodded. "The rations are
yours to do with as you will, Merry."

Taking a deep breath I moved off the porch to stand in
front of Kenthew. "Please, Kenthew let them go, lower
your rifle." But he shook his head; he wasn't going
to budge. Turning I moved a little closer to the
other man, Birdseye, standing directly in front of his
rifle. I could hear Emma's gasp, as well as those of
the other people gathered but I knew, somehow I knew
this man wouldn't shoot me. "Birdseye, take the sac,
leave us alone."

I saw his eyes flick to me for the briefest of moments
before returning Kenthew to his line of sight. Almost
instantly I saw his eyes widen in shock and meet mine
once more. His was the same reaction as everyone else
I'd met. Taking a few steps back he stared at me
before his eyes suddenly returned to normal. Nodding
his head in one brief crisp nod he turned and left,
calling for his boy to come with him.

Watching them leave I finally reminded myself to
breath, my heart began racing within my chest as air
filled my lungs again. It had been a stupid move to
step in front of his rifle like that, stupid, stupid,
stupid...

"What did you think you were doing?" Kenthew grabbed
my arm, twirling me around to face him, his grasp firm
and a little painful. Gasping at the force of it I
looked up to his face and saw that he was furious.
"You could have been killed, Merry! That was a stupid
thing to do!"

"Let go of my arm Kenthew," I told him, my voice cold
as I twisted out of his grasp. "I tried to talk to
you first, but you wouldn't listen."

"Don't put this on me, Merry," he began.

"I'm not," cutting him off a little rudely. "He
wouldn't have shot me."

"How can you say that? I saw his finger on the
trigger. You had no idea he wasn't going to pull it
and shoot you right there!" His voice was getting
louder as he yelled at me.

"Because Birdseye Taylor would never shoot a woman!" I
yelled back before walking away from him and into the
mission house, passing everyone I could feel their
wide eyes staring at me.

It wasn't until I was standing next to Jira's bed that
what I had said finally made its way into my mind.
How had I known he wouldn't shoot me? And how did I
know he was a Taylor? My legs gave out underneath me
and I sat down hard on a chair next to her bed. What
was happening to me? Why did this place feel so
strange and yet so familiar? Who were these people?
Who was the woman they thought I was?

Jira stirred on the bed next to me and all the
questions flew out of my mind. Slowly her gray eyes
opened and her face creased with a grimace of pain.

"Try no to move," I told her, trying to keep my voice
calm.

It didn't work.

"What's wrong, Merry? You look awful."

"This has been a bad day, Jira, that's all. I'll look
forward to when we can leave here, this place bothers
me."

"It gives you a bad feeling?"

Nodding was all I could do; I didn't know how to
explain what I felt. Ninnette entered the room and I
was glad for the interruption. Slipping out of the
room I walked up the stairs to the second floor and
stood at the railing overlooking the pond, my
questions beginning to return to me.

This woman, Christy, how had she died? Did I really
look like her? What had she been like? I wondered
about her out of simple curiosity but it was this
place that had me mystified. These mountains seemed
oddly familiar yet I know I'd never been here before.
Or had I?

Hearing people from within the room I moved out of
sight but when I heard the doctor's brogue I stopped
still, something telling me to listen.

"Alice, its her, you know it well as I do!"

"Neil, thee cannot be sure. The wreck was very
extensive, no one could have survived, especially not
after the fire."

"No body was ever confirmed as hers, Alice. It's...
it's Margaret all over again."

"Thee cannot believe that!" Listening to her I could
tell that she was upset by his words. "Christy loved
thee more than Margaret ever knew how to."

"I know that Alice, but this makes no sense. How can
she be alive and not come back here? Not contact us?
Amnesia is the only answer!"

"Neil, it may very well be that Merry is not..."

"I know its her! Alice everything about her tells me
its Christy. The way she moves, the way she speaks,
and the things she does. Lundy stole that sac of food
and she let him have it even though it belonged to her
because she knew he needed the food!"

"As any good person would have."

"And how did she know that Birdseye's name was Taylor
when no one had mentioned it? She knew he wouldn't
shoot a woman yet everything about him made it seem
like he would. Alice, I'm telling you... its Christy."

The woman sighed deeply and I heard her sit down on
the bed. "I believe thee may be right, but what can
we do? She obviously has amnesia and believes she is
part of that family now, if thee tries to convince her
otherwise she will avoid thee."

Now it was his turn to sigh. "I don't know, Alice.
All I know is that I can't let her go, not when
there's a chance I could have Christy in my life
again. I've lost her once Alice, I refuse to let it
happen again."

"Which would thee rather have, Neil? Christy here by
thy side, or out in the world traveling with those who
would make her happy, the people she calls her
family?" They were silent for a few moments. "Could
thee live with the knowledge that thy decision has
made her unhappy?"

Again silence reigned, this time longer.

"No," he choked. "I couldn't."

Tears stung at my eyes. The emotions in his voice
tore at my heart. I had to get out of there. Turning
I left as quietly as I could, down the stairs to the
forests edge and right on past it. I had no idea
where I was going and yet at the same time I did.
Walking for what seemed like forever I stumbled over a
root and fell to the ground.

Suddenly I realized that it was very, very dark out.
With no lantern to see my way back and not enough
moonlight to keep going I sat down against the base of
a tree and settled in for the night.

The weather was perfect, the nights cool a pleasant
feeling after the day's hot balminess, and the stars
shone brilliantly. Sitting there in the darkness, all
alone, I felt a sudden peace that seemed to fill my
entire body, relaxing me and lulling me to sleep. On
the edge of sleeps consciousness I remembered that no
one knew where I was and prayed they wouldn't worry.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Waking the next morning I was surprised to find myself
in the woods. As my memory of the previous day began
to creep in past my sleepiness I stood up to look
around. Though I was in the forest I could hear the
gurgling of a river. Heading towards it I saw a large
boulder overlooking a river that was moving at a brisk
pace. Stepping closer I steadied myself on the
boulder and leaned down to scoop up some of the cool,
clear water. It was so refreshing!

Leaning down a little farther to get some more I lost
my footing and slipped. Catching myself on the
boulder I stayed still for a few moments to catch my
breath. That had been close, too close for comfort.
Taking a step back my hold on the rock slipped and I
tumbled toward the water. Though it had looked mild
from my perch by the boulder its currents were strong,
dragging me with it before I was able to react.

Tossing, bobbing up and down like a stick in the river
I fought to stay above water, sinking several times
only to pop back up and draw in another gulp of air.
Soaked through, shivering in the surprising coldness
of the river I prayed I would survive this trip all
the while scrambling to grab ahold of something to
pull myself to safety. Every time I grabbed something
my arms gave out, I was exhausted.

Sinking below the surface I thought that this was it,
I had no more energy to fight the river. But from the
bottom of my heart I heard him call out to me, yelling
at me the way he did in my dreams to stay alive that
he would find me, and I knew. No matter what...

I had to live.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Five



Exhausted, the river dragging me along with its
currents I prayed that something would happen, as I
had no more strength left within my body. No sooner
had I finished my prayer then I felt something grab
hold of my shirt and pull me from the river as I
passed under a fallen tree. Lying on the ground,
chest heaving as I tried to breath once more, I opened
my eyes to see that man, Birdseye, staring back at me.
He was the one who had pulled me from the river; he'd
saved my life.

"Thank you," I said softly.

His eyes were intense as he stared at me, silent for
quite some time before speaking. "I ain't never shot
no gal, aind I do'n' aim ta start with you."

"I know," I told him. "I never doubted you Birdseye."

Nodding his head he got to his feet. "Mission'ouse be
that away. You'd best git walkin'."

Without another word he turned and left. Taking a
deep breath I too got to my feet and began to move off
in the direction he had pointed. This Birdseye was a
strange man to me. I didn't like him per say but I
wasn't afraid of him. It felt as though no matter how
much I disliked him, when it came down to it I knew I
could trust him with my life so long as I was in the
cove. Why was that?

Soaked through, looking like a mess I'm sure, I left
the forests edge and began the hike up the rising
clearing toward the mission house at the top. How on
earth was I going to explain this one? Approaching
the mission I saw that our little camp in the front
yard was empty, no one was there, everything
abandoned. Curious, and concerned, I entered the
mission house at the same time as I heard Jira scream.
She was having the baby!

"She's been calling for you Merry, you'd better get in
there."

Ninnette pointed me toward the door and, without a
single question about my appearance or where I'd been,
pushed me toward it. I knew those questions would
come later. Opening the door I saw Jira laying on the
bed, her entire body tense as another contraction hit
her body. Shutting the door behind me I moved to sit
on the end of the bed, pulling her head into my lap as
her body began to relax, the contraction had passed.

"Where were you? You're soaking wet," she accused.

"I'm sorry, Jira," I said, stroking her sweat soaked
forehead with the hem of my shirt, the cool wetness
helping to ease her. "I..." I began to tell her but
stopped. She didn't need to hear that now. "I'm here
now, and I'll not leave, I promise."

Nodding her head she took my free hand in hers for
comfort as she waited for the next spasm of pain to
hit. Leeler would not, could not, be in the room with
her even if they had let him. Seeing Jira in pain
undid him in the worst way. No doubt Jacob and Mason
had taken him out to smoke, far enough away so that he
couldn't hear her screams.

A mans hands came to rest on Jira's belly and I
noticed the doctor for the first time, Miss Henderson
standing at the end of the bed while the dark skinned
man was on the opposite side of Doctor MacNeill. From
what I'd seen of him he must be an assistant of some
sort, always at the doctors side when bent over a
patient.

"Merry," Jira asked breathlessly as another
contraction passed. "Sing for me, sing me the song."

Smiling at her I continued to wipe her face while I
called up the song in my mind, the song she loved to
sing with me over the fire, when our voices would
blend together in a beautiful harmony.

"Naomi encouraged Ruth to leave,
Even though the parting would her grieve,
But to Moab Ruth just won't return,
Since her heart for Naomi does yearn."

"No I never will abandon you,
Where you would be there I would be too,
And where you lie down there I would lie,
And where you die, there please let me die."

"For your people shall my people be,
And your God my God eternally,
May our God do so and add there to,
Should ought separate my soul from you."

"Oh what faith and love fair Ruth displayed,
She a noble pattern for us made,
May we ever show like steadfastness,
Firmly cleave to God and righteousness."

My voice was not the best, but it was not the worst
either, and singing for Jira as she lay in pain I
suddenly realized how true those words were to me.
Her people were my people; my place had been with them
for the last year of my life. But would it always be
that way? My thoughts kept drifting back to the
conversation I had heard yesterday between Miss
Henderson and the Doctor. I didn't know what to
think.

Another wave of pain hit Jira and she screamed
immediately. This was it; the baby was coming.
Watching the doctor do his work, his attention
diverted, I had a moment to study him while he readied
his instruments just in case they would be needed. He
was a handsome man, barrel chested, tall, muscular and
yet his hands moved with a delicate nature the defied
everything else about him.

Working quickly he told Jira when to push and when to
relax and it seemed that within almost no time at all
he held a wiggling mass which he quickly wrapped in a
blanket and gave to Miss Henderson. Moving off to the
side to clean up the child and keep it warm Miss
Henderson watched while the doctor and the other man
worked to birth the placenta. Once Jira was cleaned
up and the child checked over by Doctor MacNeill,
mother was handed her baby.

"It's a wee lass," the Doctor told Jira as he laid the
baby across her breast. "She's perfect."

Tears streamed down Jira's cheeks and I was shocked to
find that they did mine as well. Getting up I leaned
down and kissed both mother and daughter. "I'll go
find Leeler so he can come meet his daughter."

Walking out of the room I saw that the other three
were also standing in the small hallway. Meeting each
of their eyes I smiled a broad smile. "Thank you, for
everything."

While I skirted out the door to find Leeler I heard
Miss Henderson tell the good news to the waiting
crowd. On the steps Peter and Celia pointed me
towards the second building and I headed over to it to
find the proud Papa. On the steps of that building
stood Mason, Jacob, and a trembling Leeler.

"It's over Leeler, you have a healthy baby," I smiled
at him, hugging my brother with all my might.

He laughed, exuberantly; picking me up and twirling
around for a moment before putting me back down.
"What is it?" he asked suddenly, his eyes bright.

"A girl, she's a perfect little girl."

I watched as he ran off to be by his wife's side, to
see his little girl; Mason and Jacob nodded to me and
followed him at a slower pace. Watching him leave I
wondered at my own parents. Had they been as happy
when I was born?

Shaking my head of the melancholy thoughts I climbed
the stairs, curious about this other building.
Opening one of the two doors I closed it behind me and
stopped in my tracks. It was a school! Row after row
of desks lined both sides of the walkway, each desk
was neatly cleared but I could tell that they had been
used today. Walking up the aisle between them I
approached the blackboard and took up a piece of
chalk, writing today's date.

Staring at it I wondered what had possessed me to
write it, but before I knew what I was doing my hand
had already begun to sketch the first thing that had
come to my mind. When I was done I looked and saw the
pendant of the necklace I wore beneath my shirt.
Quickly erasing it and replacing the chalk I turned to
see that I wasn't alone. "Ma'am," nodding my head
towards her. "I'm sorry if I was intruding."

"No," Miss Henderson replied. "Not at all. I came to
see if thee would like a dry change of clothes. Thy
present outfit has been soaked through."

Glancing down at my clothes I was shocked to find that
I had forgotten all about the dripping garments.
"With all the excitement I'd forgotten."

She smiled at me with a motherly smile that warmed my
heart. "What do thee think of our school?"

Looking at the empty rows of desks my eyes saw the
children from my dreams filling them. "They were all
seated in rows the smallest ones up front to the
larger ones in back, each one smiling at me with their
perfect little faces," I whispered, more to myself
than to her though I know she heard it as well.
Closing my eyes for a moment I felt myself swaying and
Miss Henderson put her hands on my arms, sitting me
down in one of the rows.

"Thee is not well, I should call Neil."

"No." Opening my eyes I smiled at her. "No, thank
you, I'm fine. Just tired, it's been a long day I'm
afraid."

"I was told that thee did not sleep in thy wagon last
night."

"No," I laughed. "I most certainly didn't. I had
gone for a walk after... well... after dealing with
Kenthew and Birdseye. By the time I realized it was
dark it was too dark to turn around and come back so I
slept in the forest." I saw her nod in understanding
and for some reason I was compelled to continue, as
though I could tell this woman anything. "But then
this morning I was getting a drink of water from the
river when my footing slipped and I fell in."

"Oh!" she gasped. "Neil must look thee over, to be
sure thee is safe."

"No, please! I'm fine, truly I am. I had tried to
grab hold of something but I didn't have the strength.
I prayed that God would help me and no sooner had I
finished my prayer than that man from yesterday,
Birdseye, pulled me from the water. He told me that
he'd never shoot a woman and then pointed me in the
direction of the mission. Then he left without
another word. It was the oddest thing."

Miss Henderson smiled. "That is Birdseye Taylor, one
never truly knows what he will do next." Silence fell
for a little while as we were both lost in our
thoughts. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but
rather as though we were two friends who didn't need
to speak at all times. It was a comfortable silence.

But all too quickly it was broken.

"Miss Alice!"

The girl from the mission, the one with wild red hair
who fainted at the sight of me, burst into the school,
a grin splitting her face nearly in two. Though she
faltered for a step or two her purpose reminded her of
her original excitement and she began to chatter
incessantly to Miss Henderson, prattle of high-strung
words I could barely understand.

"Ruby Mae! Please calm down and speak more slowly! I
cannot understand thee."

"Oh Miz Alice! Them peoples that jist had thar baby
gal is gonna have dancin' and singin' t'night, they
sez we's all invited, the whole cove! Oh yer gonna
let me go, raght, Miz Alice, please? It shorly wuld
be a mite fun night."

I found it hard not to smile at the girls' obvious
enthusiasm.

"I shall see, Ruby Mae, but my answer will depend
partly on whether or not thy chores have been done."

"Yes'm!" she cried as she fairly flew back out of the
schoolroom.

It was then that I did laugh. "I think those chores
will be done in record time Miss Henderson."

"Please, would thee call me Alice? Miss Henderson
makes me feel too old."

Smiling at her, "How about if we agree on Miss Alice?"

Though I had meant it to be kind I wondered if I had
somehow chosen the wrong words as her eyes began to
tear and she placed a finger to her lips. After a
moment she whispered, "It would make me happy to hear
thee call me Miss Alice." Her voice sounded as though
I had given her the greatest gift one could possibly
imagine yet I couldn't begin to think of why.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Six




"Hear me all of you, and listen to my words of joy!"

All around the movements stilled, talking ceased, and
eyes moved to watch the man who stood atop one of the
wagons so all could see him.

"Today is a day of celebration as what once was only
one has now become two! On this day my daughter
herself has a daughter and I welcome my new
granddaughter to my family with open arms and a ready
place in my heart. I bid all of you to share your
laughter with her so that for the rest of her life she
may remember that her day of birth was also a day of
joy and gladness!"

With a nod to us Paolo signaled for the music to begin
and soon music filled the air along with the laughter
of those friends, both old and new, that filled the
yard in front of the mission house. Sitting with
Silky who blew into her recorder, Peter who's flute
sang, and Emma who's tambourine jangled I strummed on
the guitar, our notes coming together in a happy union
of song for all to dance to.

Leeler sang a few songs and then, because his wife was
unable, pulled Celia up from her seat to dance in the
moonlight. Evening meal had long ago been eaten, not
a family had arrived that hadn't brought something to
share, and the people I'd been told didn't like
strangers were laughing and dancing with us in this
celebration of new life.

Looking around I saw Miss Henderson... my apologies...
Miss Alice sitting with the doctor, she smiling and he
trying to. Meeting her eyes I smiled back. For a
moment I turned my head away to check my fingering on
the instrument and when I looked back I saw that the
Doctor had left, Miss Alice sitting alone. I felt a
pang of regret that he had left and wondered why it
was there. What should it matter to me what the
doctor did?

Though I had no answer as to why all I knew was that
it did.

Many hours later, my fingers aching and my throat
parched I gave the guitar to Celia who took my place,
she also a student of Peter's skill, and made my way
to Jira who was sitting by another fire. Sitting next
to her I looked down at the little girl sleep in her
arms, a perfect little child.

"We've chosen a name." Meeting her eyes I waited for
her to tell me what it was. "Leeler and I have chosen
Ruth; the name of a woman whose people were not hers
though she loved them as if they were."

"A fine path to follow," I smiled at Jira, my sister
in every way that mattered. Taking the little girl
from her arms I held the tiny bundle in my hands.
"Hello little Ruth, I'm your Aunt, but you will always
call me Merry."

Coming over Ninnette took little Ruth away, to put the
child to bed for the night, away from the noise of the
celebration. Watching the fire for some time Jira
stood to leave, standing before me for a moment.
"Will you walk with me to the mission house? The
doctor has asked I spend one more night there, to be
on the safe side."

"Of course."

Together we walked around the edge of the party, arm
in arm I supported her still weak body as we walked.
Climbing the steps we were in her room, she in the
bed, before another word was spoken. "Papa tells me
we will leave in one days time."

One day.

"We are behind in our schedule, we'll need to travel
hard to catch up."

"Will you be joining us?"

Sitting on the edge of the bed I close my eyes. "What
makes you ask that?"

"I've heard them speaking when they thought I was
asleep. They say they know you, that you are their
friend that died, and that you look just like her."

"Yes, that's what they say."

Jira was silent for a moment. "I know my sister well
enough to know that she has many things on her mind.
I wish that she would share them with me."

"I don't know, Jira; I don't know what to think. This
place, these people, they seem so familiar and yet at
the same time they don't. What if this isn't my home?
Could I stay behind and lose the people I love, the
only family I know? But what if it is my home? Why
doesn't it seem more familiar to me? Why hasn't it
sparked my memories?"

There were so many questions running wild through my
head.

"I just don't know."

Wishing Jira a good night sleep and rest I left the
room. Standing on the porch of the mission I watched
the celebration but felt no desire to join in again.
I sat down on one of the wooden rocking chairs and
pulled my necklace from under my shirt. Staring down
at the pendant I wished he were here, beside me to
tell me the right way to go. He would know what was
right; he was a smart man. That was one of the things
I loved about him; one of the few things I could
remember at any rate.

"Oh my love," I whispered, clutching the pendant in my
hands. "Help me."


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Standing on the porch, the early morning dawn quickly
rising into the sky I stared at the mission yard; the
schoolhouse to one side, the forest to the other, and
the pond in between. The time had come to leave and I
was no closer to an answer. Stepping down from the
porch I moved over to the schoolhouse stopping when I
saw that there was already somebody in there.

from behind I saw that it was the doctor. He was
speaking, to himself it seemed, but as I listened I
realized he was speaking with God.

"I hated you for taking Margaret and I hated you even
more for bringing her back. But you gave me Christy
and something in me began to change. I stopped seeing
only the blood and the wounds and I saw the people,
their hearts and their souls. She showed me that it
was possible to believe in people, that doing so would
always bring out the best in them."

"She had always believed in me. Even when we fought
over the people or the children she never doubted my
abilities, always calling them a gift from you. There
was never a doubt in Christy's mind that I could do
anything, that no matter what the problem was I could
fix it. But it was she who fixed my problem. She was
the only one who was able to see what was broken and
show me, help me to fix it."

"Christy showed me how to love, to really and truly
love with all of my heart. But there was always
something holding me back, the last piece of the
puzzle that allowed me to see the world through her
eyes. When she was taken from me I cursed you with
every breath I had in my body. She was my light and
until the day she was taken away from me. My heart
was ripped from my chest and I swore that I could not
go on."

"But that was when you showed me the last piece of the
puzzle, the piece I was missing. It was you.
Christy's love came from you and from her love for
you. Since that day I have seen the world as Christy
saw it because you showed me, you allowed me to break
past my stubborn pride and my pain to see what she had
known all along. You are the God of love, tender,
merciful, beautiful love, and without you there is no
love in this world."

"So I beg of you, please dear Lord, watch over her.
Keep her safe and alive and most of all keep her
happy. If you see fit to give her back to me let her
remember someday how much I love her for you are the
keeper of all knowledge. I know that you have
withheld her memories for some reason I can only guess
at but I beg of you to let her remember some day how
much I love her."

His voice choked and I could see and hear the sobs
that wracked the man's body.

"I love her..."

Putting my hand over my mouth I felt the wetness of
the silent tears that had been coursing down my
cheeks. Turning I fled, racing away from him, from
the pain I had heard in his voice and felt in my
heart. It was too much; it couldn't be the truth! It
just couldn't.

Stopping short I saw that everyone was ready to go,
the wagons were loaded with the women and children,
horses mounted, everyone was waiting for me... for my
decision. Standing in the mission yard I looked from
Jira, her solemn face peering at me from the door to
one of the wagons, to Miss Alice who stood on the
porch, her face just as solemn. Back and forth I
looked, my mind screaming at me to make a decision.

Meeting Paolo's gaze from the seat of the head wagon I
nodded. My decision was made.

For several moments I watched them leaving, praying
that I had made the right decision. Climbing the
steps of the mission I stood before Miss Alice, a
woman who had been as kind to me as a mother's voice
is to a child's ear. Meeting her eyes I knew no words
were needed. She already knew. Descending the stairs
once more and moving over to Ernst, I mounted the
horse.

from my perch in the saddle I saw the doctor emerge
from the schoolhouse. Across the yard I met his eyes
and he knew, as had Miss Alice. Unable to say
anything, I couldn't have had I tried, I turned Ernst
away from the hitching post and galloped after the
wagons, afraid that if I stopped moving, I wouldn't
start again.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Memories of the Heart - Chapter Seven



"Let's stop for noon meal," Paolo announced.

The wagons pulled off into the clearing Kenthew had
found and the children emerged from the wagons to run
off their energy before it was time to go again. All
morning we traveled, following the path away from
Cutter Gap, the cove that had caused many a tear to
fall from my eyes. With each stride it had become
harder and harder to not look back, not to wonder what
might have been.

Dismounting I tethered Ernst to a tree, brushing him
down, giving him a handful of oats and letting him
graze while I went to sit with Jira. Taking the plate
of food I pushed it around the tin with my spoon, my
appetite nowhere to be found.

"Merry?"

Looking up from my seat on the ground I saw Shay
standing over me, Emma's little girl was as
inquisitive as her mother. "Yes Shay?"

"How come you're not smiling?"

"Out of the mouth of babes," Jira whispered, knowing
full well that I would hear her.

Putting my plate on the ground I pulled Shay into my
lap. "I just have a lot of things to think about
that's all."

"But you're still happy to be here with us?"

Was I happy? I opened my mouth to answer her innocent
question but no words came. I had no answer, not for
her and not for myself. Kissing her forehead I set
the little girl back on her feet and stood to my own.
With a brief smile I walked off into the woods,
questions and doubts ringing out in my mind.

Stopping by a large tree I leaned against it, bending
over to put my head in my hands. What was I going to
do? I couldn't go back, but staying here felt wrong!
Frowning I put an end to that thought. My place was
here, with my family. 'But are they my true family?'
I couldn't stop the thought from crossing my mind and
once it had I could think of nothing else.

Closing my eyes I pictured the joy on Leeler's face
when he heard of Ruth's birth and I wondered again if
my parents had felt the same way. What if they had?
What if they had loved me with all of their heart and
now they thought I was dead? Shaking my head I kept
walking. Then I was dead to them, let it stay that
way, less heartache, I'm sure they'd gotten on with
their lives.

Staring at my hands I realized that I had been
dragging the pendant of my necklace back and forth
across its chain. Opening my palm I stared at the
intricate design of the silver pendant. In the very
center was a scripted letter, 'M', could it stand for
something other than Merry as I'd tried so hard to
believe? Was it in any way possible that the 'M' was
for MacNeill? In my head I heard his words to God,
the love and emotion that had poured out from his
heart.

Was that love for me?

"I don't know!" I cried, my voice disturbing the
silence of the forest. "I don't know," I whispered.

Dropping to my knees before a felled tree I bowed my
head, searching my heart for an answer only to find
none. Why couldn't I find an answer I needed? What
was stopping me? For what reason was God keeping the
information I so dearly needed from me? It was then
that I realized.

"Oh God Almighty," I prayed.

"I know that I have always been able to come to you
when my heart was filled with questions, questions
that I have no answer to. You are the keeper of
knowledge; you alone know when it will be the right
time for me to receive the knowledge I so keenly want.
But I beg of you... tell me... where should I be?"

"The only life I can remember is the life I have had
with my people, with Jira's family. I love them all
so dearly but I know that they are not my true family.
I know that out there, somewhere, are my people, the
children I see in my dreams, the little ones who are
so perfect. I know that I love them very much, but I
cannot find them!"

"Please... please... help me find them. Show me the right
thing to do before it is too late. I cannot do this
anymore. Either I must move on with Jira's family and
forget my life I once lived or I must search on my own
for the people who loved the woman I was. Oh God,
which one? Which is the right path?"

Kneeling in the forest I heard the wind pick up, its
howling seemed to be singing the haunting song that
had eluded me for so long and right then I knew.
There was no more denying what I needed to do. The
path was a rocky one but my time in the shadows was
over. If I was to ever really know who I am I must
step out of the shadows and stand in the light, for
only then would I see the truth.

Getting to my feet I moved back the way I had come,
back to the clearing where one of my families waited.
Emerging from the forest I saw Jira sitting alone by
the fire, little Ruth in her arms feasting at her
mothers breast. Crossing to them I knelt beside
mother and daughter.

"I'll miss you, my sister."

She already knew. Jira, who could read my heart as
easily as if it were an open book, my sister in every
way that mattered to me, a dear friend that I would
miss with every breath I drew.

"No more than I'll miss you." Waiting for her to look
at me I continued. "You gave me everything I needed,
Jira. You gave me a family and a home but most
importantly you gave me a friendship that I will never
forget. Your memory has been burned into my heart and
nothing can ever remove it from there."

Smiling a sad soft smile she reached out to hug me
close. "Ruth will hear every day about her Aunt Merry
and the wonderful, beautiful, and wise woman that she
was. After all, it was she that I named her after.
Every Naomi needs a Ruth, and while I had mine for
only a little while, I know that I will have her in my
heart forever."

Tears stung at my eyes and my throat closed. I
couldn't speak, her simple words touching me more than
I had ever thought possible. Hugging once more I
kissed her cheek, both mother and daughter, and moved
off to remove my small bag of items from the wagon.
Standing before the people I had called family for
over a year I had no words for them. Tears were in
more eyes than just mine as I hugged them goodbye.

"We shall return this way in one year. Whatever has
happened we shall see you then."

Nodding to Paolo I turned and began to walk away,
unable to look behind in fear that I would loose what
little control I had over my emotions, waiting until I
was well out of sight before allowing the tears my
eyes had been harboring to finally fall freely down my
face.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The night sky was dark, the moon offering little
light, but I knew I needed to press on, the rain
preventing me from sleeping under the stars as I had
two nights ago. I had been walking for so long yet as
I neared the cove my steps seemed to be lighter, just
a little easier to make. Though I was sopping wet and
exhausted I kept going, climbing the hill, climbing
the stairs to knock on the door. It opened and I
looked up into the startled eyes that were on the
other side, one question burning in my mind.

"Who am I?"


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Memories of the Heart - Chapter Eight




Sitting before the fire, dressed in a dry change of
clothes, I sat huddled under a quilt, my legs tucked
under me as I sat on the soft cushion of the
davenport. The mission house was quiet, I was
supposed to be asleep but I couldn't; too many things
were running through my head.

I had arrived a few hours ago, cold, wet and hungry,
and they had taken me in without hesitation; fed me,
gave me dry clothes, and given me a place to sleep.
Now they were all asleep, the Reverend, Thomas Parker,
the girl, Ruby Mae, Miss Alice. I was the only one
awake though I wished I were as asleep as they were.
Miss Alice had promised to answer all of my questions
the next day; that I should rest myself.

Getting up, wrapping the quilt around me as though it
were a shawl I prowled around the first floor of the
mission house, looking for something, anything that
wold help me to remember. Entering the kitchen I
looked around but saw nothing. The small dining room
was much the same, although I swore I could smell the
scent of burnt possum meat. Looking through the main
room I stopped when I saw a hand drawn picture of the
mountains framed and hanging upon the wall.

"That was the first drawing thee did for the mission.
There are several hanging throughout the two
buildings."

Turning I smiled at Miss Alice. "I drew these?"

"Yes," her smile appearing. "Thee are quite the
artist. But thee already knows that."

"I don't draw much, but I could see that it looked
very good if I took my time." Moving back to the
fireplace I stood staring at the clock on the mantle.
It was well past midnight. "I didn't mean to wake
you, Miss Alice."

"I could not sleep any more than thee could I'm
afraid."

For a few moments we were both equally silent.
Sitting on a footstool by her feet I looked up at the
soft motherly eyes and a question poured out before I
could stop it. "Miss Alice, where is my family?"

"Thy family lives in Asheville, 'tis a city many, many
miles from here. Thee have a father, a mother, and a
brother. At one time thee also had a sister but sadly
she died of Scarlet Fever."

"If they live in Asheville, how did I come to be
here?"

"Thee came here over four years ago to teach at the
mission school."

"Oh!"

That explained my dreams, the children sitting in
rows. I told Miss Alice of my dream and she smiled.

"Perhaps thy heart was trying to help thee remember
those thee loves. Tomorrow thee shall accompany me to
the school for morning classes. Perhaps it will help
thee to remember."

"I'd like that, thank you!"

"But that means that thee will need thy sleep."
Standing she smiled down at me for a moment before
moving away. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Miss Alice."

As I settled into the davenport I noticed that she
hadn't used my name, calling neither Christy nor Merry
and I was grateful for it. Until I knew who I was
neither name seemed to fit me.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


That night I dreamed that the man I love had stood
next to me while I slept at the mission. He didn't
wake me, only pulling the quilt up around my
shoulders, tucking the edges in and kissing my
forehead. He whispered 'I love you' before moving
away.

This morning when I woke to find that the quilt was
tucked in around me, though I don't remember putting
it that way before I went to sleep. Getting up from
the davenport and washing up a bit at the pump in the
yard, I entered the small dining area to see the
Doctor sitting at the table with Miss Alice and the
Preacher. Lowering myself into the nearest seat I saw
each of them smile at my joining them at the table. I
smiled back just as Ruby Mae entered with a few bowls
of oatmeal.

"Thank you, Ruby Mae," as the bowl was placed before
me.

"Oh yer welcome, teacher. Hit shorly is good ta have
ya back with us. We missed ya something fierce
thinkin' ya was ded an all! Lordy I cain't rightly
'magin wat it must'a bin lak fer ya! I somtimez
wondered wat it'd be lak ta not be rememberin'
everythin' an I shorly cain't do it. M'be itz cauz I
ain't got no amnesia lak ya do. I wonderz if'n..."

"Ruby Mae thee forgot the bread, would thee get it
please?"

"Oh shurly Miz Alice!"

The girl scurried away into the kitchen and I looked
down at my bowl, my appetite gone. I think that it
was a good thing too, because the bowl of food before
looked even less appetizing than Paolo's cooking,
which had turned my stomach on more than one occasion.
Picking up my spoon I separated one of the lumps and
saw that it was actually a chunk of squash mixed in
with the oatmeal.

"Thee will find that Ruby Mae is very... creative... with
our food."

"Oh," still staring at the lump on my spoon.

"Yer suppozed ta eat it, not stare at it," the young
girl reminded me as she entered the dining room with
the plate of bread and butter. "Oh! I dun fergot the
milk too!"

Putting the spoon of food into my mouth I smiled as I
swallowed it whole as fast as I could. Suppressing a
shudder I smiled at the girl and spooned some more,
carefully avoiding the lumps. Across the tale I saw
Miss Alice's mouth twitching as she suppressed her
smile and the doctor was masking his with his pipe.
Watching as Ruby Mae disappeared into the kitchen I
couldn't help but smile as well, a small laugh
escaping my lips as I put the spoon down.

"Are the, um, are the meals always this... interesting?"

"Just wait till dinner," the Preacher said with a
grin. "Ruby Mae's Possum Surprise will truly define
the meals we eat here at the mission."

Putting my hand to my head I tried to stop the
laughter that was bubbling up within. This would
indeed be an interesting day.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


"Children! Children settle down,"

Miss Alice called for order in the classroom and the
large crowd of almost seventy children settled quickly
into their seats. From my seat by the chalkboard I
watched them and I saw what I had so many times in my
dreams. I saw that they were all seated in rows the
smallest ones up front to the larger ones in back,
each one smiling at me with their perfect little
faces.

"As you all can see we have a visitor today."

For the first time many of the children looked to the
front corner of the schoolroom where I sat and I could
see the shock, the delight, begin to register in their
eyes.

"Hit be Teacher!" one of the children cried out.

Instantly the children began to clamor excitedly, each
one striving to be heard above the rest. Only one
little girl was quiet in the din of noise. Sliding
out of her seat she approached me cautiously, her big
eyes shiny. Stretching out her arms she climbed into
my lap and wrapped her skinny arms around my neck,
hugging me tightly.

"I missed you teacher," she whispered in my ear.

Her voice was filled with a joy that overflowed into
my heart. How could I have ever forgotten such a
beautiful little girl? Hugging her back I forgot
about all the other children in the room, not
realizing that they had all fallen silent, Miss Alice
watching on with tears in her eyes. After a moment
the little girl went back to her seat and I looked
across the room to Miss Alice standing in the aisle
way. Motioning for her to join me I stepped out of
the classroom for a moment.

"I'd like to do this alone, Miss Alice. I think I
need to. If I was the teacher here then I probably
did it alone."

"That may not be wise on thy first day back."

"I need to try."

Nodding Miss Alice smiled and moved back into the
classroom, I heard her tell the class that they should
behave and that I would be in charge until she
returned at noon recess. Taking a deep breath I
prayed for Gods help and went to stand before the
classroom. Waving goodbye to Miss Alice as she went
down the stairs I faced the crowd of children on my
own, unsure of how to proceed.

I couldn't start as though this was the first day of
class but I also couldn't just jump right in as though
no time has passed. Standing in front of the silent
room I looked over at the little girl who had hugged
me and I was inspired. Pulling the chair I had been
sitting on to the middle of the front of the room I
sat down and looked at al of the children before me.
With the added height of the step I was able to see
all of them watching me with curious stares.

"Since all of you know me I'd like to take this
morning to get to know you. Why don't we start with
the youngest and we'll work our way back to the
oldest. You can come up here or you can stay in your
seat if you'd like. When it's your turn you can tell
me, and everyone here, your name and something that
makes you different from everyone else."

The little girl from before stood up from her seat
when I looked at her and came back up to my side.
Hugging me once more she said in a small voice, "My
name is Mountie." Looking down she fingered the
buttons on her coat before looking back up at me.
"You gave me my buttons."

Smiling at her I hugged the little girl, Mountie, and
she returned to her seat. One by one the children
came up to me, none choosing to stay in their seats,
not even the older ones. I tried to remember all of
their names and what they told me; there were so many
of them. Creed, Little Burl, Zady, Bessie, Becky,
Ruby Mae, Sam Houston, Clara, Festus, Issak, Orter
Ball, Vella... I wondered how I had ever learned all of
their names.

When we got to the back of the room I saw that two of
the older boys kept glancing at each other, nervous
already and growing worse as we got closer to them. I
recognized the one from the woods and I guessed that
the other was his friend that had ridden with me to
the mission. They introduced them selves as Rob Allen
and John Spencer, Rob telling me of his love of
writing and stories and John of his love of music.
Smiling at them I saw them relax when they realized I
held no ill will towards them.

"Teacher," one of the little boys, Creed I think,
called out when the last child had spoken. "How come
ya don't 'member us? Is it 'cause ya waz gone fer
s'long?"

"No, silly," another one spoke up. What was her name?
Zady? "You heard wat Miz Alice said, she gots hurt,
thatz why she don' 'member us."

Creed looked upset that he'd been called a name so I
stepped in before it could go too far.

"Now children! You are both correct but for different
reasons." How did I put this in simple terms when I
barely understood it myself? "You see, over a year
ago something very bad happened to me and I was hurt.
When a person gets hurt as badly as I was it makes
them forget what it was that caused the pain in the
first place. Only when they forget that they also
forget everything else that came before it."

"That's right, children," a loud voice called out from
the doorway. Looking up I saw the doctor standing in
the doorway, filling it with his frame, a long shadow
falling across the floor. "That's what we call
amnesia."

Saddlebags tossed over his shoulder he walked down the
aisle ways and placed his bags on the floor beside the
desk. Turning back to the children he continued to
address them, his rich voice filling the air,
captivating the audience with his words.

"You see, when something hits a person on the head
very hard it can make that person lose their memory,
just like Teacher said."

"Watz the ferst thing ya 'members, Miz Christy?"

"The first thing I remember..." Closing my eyes I tried
to picture my very first memory, the most solid one I
could recall. "I was lying in a bed, there was a
quilt or a blanket over me and a woman was sitting
next to me. She kept telling me that it was okay,
that I was safe and I didn't need to worry anymore.
My throat hurt, I think I'd been screaming but I
didn't know why."

Opening my eyes I suddenly realized how much I had
said. Looking around I saw the wide-open stares of
the children. Wincing I knew I'd said too much, they
were scared. Quickly I got to my feet, putting the
chair back where it had been and standing next to the
doctor.

"But everything is beginning to get back to normal now
and thankfully I have all of you to help me remember
who I am. So here is your assignment from me to you.
I want you to write down the very first thing that
each of you can remember. No matter how long ago, how
little, or how much. Write it down and then tomorrow
morning we can share them with each other."

Looking up to the doorway I saw Miss Alice standing
there.

"And I see that it's also time for noon recess so why
don't you all head on out after you make a note of the
assignment for tomorrow."

After a moment of writing and noting the children
scrambled out to the yard to play. When the last one
had gone I sunk down into one of the desks. "What a
stupid thing to say! I should never have told them
that," I chastised myself.

"What is the matter? What did thee say?" Miss Alice
asked as she came closer, her eyes filled with worry
over my sudden change in demeanor. I told her what I
had said and she nodded. "Thee is worried they will
be scared. Perhaps they will be, but no more so than
when they thought thee dead. Thy coming back is a
miracle to them, they are happy above all else."

"Alice is right," the doctor stepped in. "You
answered them honestly and that's what they asked for.
You need to get to know one another again and you've
just made the biggest step towards re-gaining your
relationships with them."

"And now it is time for thy next step. I must stay
here to teach but Neil is in need of a companion
during his rounds as Dan Scott is busy with work at
his cabin and lessons. Would thee accompany him? It
will help thee to become familiar with the mountains
again. Prince is saddled and ready for thee at the
mission after thy lunch."

I got the distinct feeling that I had been set up but
I realized just as easily that I didn't mind. I had
many questions about this place and, as one of the
mountain people, I hoped the good doctor could answer
them for me.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Memories of the Heart - Chapter Nine



Sitting across the table from the doctor, a small
plate of bread and fruit before me, silence reigned.
Unlike the silence I had experienced with Miss Alice
this was an uncomfortable one, as though neither of us
knew quite what to say. Unable to bear it any more I
spoke first.

"Tell me Doctor..."

"Please... call me Neil. Doctor sounds much too
formal."

"Very well. Neil," I said purposefully. "Have you
always lived in these mountains?"

"Yep, born and raised. I've lived in my cabin for all
but a few of my years when I lived in Pennsylvania."

"Pennsylvania? What was there?"

"College. I went to the Jefferson Medical College in
Pennsylvania for several years before coming back here
to practice."

"Did you always want to be a doctor?"

Leaning back, chewing on a slice of fruit, he was
silent for a moment. I could tell he was considering
my question. It was as though I could see the wheels
turning behind his eyes.

"No, not always. I always knew I'd wanted to help
people, but it wasn't until a group of men came to the
mountain to hunt that I discovered what I wanted to do
with my life. They were doctors each and every one.
My father led them around the mountain, showing them
the best spots to hunt and I carried their bags. They
took to me and when I decided I wanted to be a doctor
they made it possible."

Lunch over we moved out to the horses and were soon
under way, my questions still flowing from my mind,
through my mouth, to his ears. He supplied the
answers.

"What about Miss Alice? When did she move here?"

"Alice came about ten years before you did, so I guess
that makes it almost fourteen years now. She found
her niche here, though I expect she could fit in
almost anywhere."

Maneuvering through a tricky path our conversation
slacked off for a little bit, but before I could ask
another question he cupped his hands to his mouth and
hollered. An answering holler came back and we
proceeded on.

"What was that for?"

"Don't ever approach a cabin without calling out first
unless it's the mine or someone you know extremely
well. You'd likely find yourself on the wrong end of
a rifle."

"Oh."

Oh bother.

Walking the horses up the trail to a ramshackle cabin
I wondered how anyone could live here. A woman came
to the doorway and I felt my hear go out to her.
Years of work and hard times had left their mark on
this woman. Her hands were red and work-worn, her
shoulders stooped under the weight of her life, but it
was her eyes that made me want to weep. They were
hopeless; the life she lived had taken the young girl
out of her and replaced her with an old woman who was
aged far to soon.

"Miz Christy! I heerd ya dun come back. We waz all
afeered ya waz ded."

"Hello," I greeted her, taking her hand firmly in mine
though it was coated with flour and lard. "You'll
have to forgive me, ma'am, I'm afraid I can't remember
your name."

Nodding her head in understanding, obviously she'd
heard of my amnesia as well, she smiled at me. "My
name be Swannie O'Teale."

Though it did little to improve her face the smile was
warm and I took it for all she'd meant. "O'Teale... are
you Mountie's Ma?"

"Yes'm, Mountie be my middle young'un, rite smack
in'tween all th'others."

"How many children do you have?"

"Wal now, countin' my half wit Wilmer I gotz me seven
littl'n's."

"Indeed," Neil broke in. "Which is why we're here.
I've come to check on little Mary, how's her arm
doing?"

While Swannie told Neil of Mary's arm we went into
their cabin and I saw that their table was on it's
side, one of the legs had been broken and the table
was useless until it was fixed. It was the only table
in the room. While Neil sat down next to a little
girl, no older than three or four I guessed I spoke to
Swannie.

"If you'd like I could fix this table for you, it
won't take much at all."

"No ma'am, thank ya though. I cain't be beholdin ta
no-one."

"Oh but you wouldn't be," I quickly replied.
Searching my brain for a reason I saw that Neil had
stopped his examination of little Mary to watch. Of
course! "You see I was thinking maybe you could trade
me."

"Wal I don' got much."

"But Swannie you have the one thing I don't. You have
the memories of the children. I don't remember them
and I want to so very much! I'd give anything to
remember them. If you'd tell me about them it's I who
would be beholding to you."

Behind Swannie's shoulder I saw Neil smile and nod.
He knew full well what I was doing. I only hoped that
Swannie would accept it.

"Wal now, I guess that'd be a'right."

Working together we moved the table outdoors and while
Swannie sat on a nearby stump telling me about her
children I repaired the leg of the table, thanking
Mason for all his lessons in general repair and upkeep
the whole while. By the time I was finished with the
table I also knew much more about the O'Teale family.
Once Neil helped me to get the table back into the
cabin and I hugged Swannie goodbye, the adults craving
the affection as much as the children, we were off to
the next cabin.

"Neil," I asked once we were far enough away from the
O'Teale's. "Is this common in the cove? This fear of
being beholding to someone?"

Neil sighed. "Yes, to their detriment I'm afraid.
The people here are stubborn Scotch-Irish who are set
in their ways and can't see any other way of life. No
matter how much they are hurting they won't ask for
help."

"They're too proud."

"Aye."

We came to the next cabin in practically no time at
all but it was the cabin after that one that proved to
need our help the most. Calling out a hello Neil and
I walked our horses up to the cabin and a young'un
came out to greet us, his little face drawn with
worry.

"Doc! Doc! Pa needs you!"

Racing into the cabin with Neil I saw a woman kneeling
on a bed next to a man who was bleeding profusely from
his chest.

"What happened Fairlight?"

"Jeb waz workin' in th'barn when he lost his balance
and tripped. He felled 'gainst a nail that waz
a'pokin' outter a wall. Neil ya gotz ta holp 'im!"

"Move aside," he said Neil's voice was gentle yet
firm. "Christy, boil me some water for the
instruments and scrub down the table, Fairlight, I
need clean rags, as many as you've got."

Both of us jumped to do as we had been told. As I
settled a pot over the stove to boil I heard the
little boy ask, "Wat c'n I do doc?"

Neil looked down at the little one with serious eyes.
"I need you to stand guard at the door Little Guy.
You make sure nobody comes in here, not even your kin,
you hear me?"

The little boy nodded and took up a position at the
door; his face set with determination that no one
would enter his home until Doc said it was okay. All
the while Neil worked over the man in the bed, doing
what he could do stop the bleeding I stood by his
wife's side, my arm linked through hers and suddenly I
realized that it was the most natural feeling to stand
here with her. This woman, Fairlight Neil had called
her, was a woman I didn't know and yet... I did.

The water boiled I put the metal instruments into it
for a few moment to sterilize them before taking them
out and putting the on a clean rag, lined up in a row
for him to take as he needed. The little knives laid
out in order, largest to smallest, and all the others
I didn't even know how to describe were all laid out
in a precise order that, once it was done, I had no
idea why I'd done it like that.

Neil turned from his patient's side, after he and
Fairlight had moved the large man to the table that I
had scrubbed, to reach for one of the instruments and
his hand paused over the selection, his eyes taking in
the neat rows before glancing up at me. For a moment
I wondered if I had done something wrong, were they
not sterile enough? But when I saw his eyes I knew it
was nothing more than surprise. Even as he turned
back to his patient I stored up a question in my mind
to ask him later.

Fairlight moved over to a chair by the bed and rocked
slightly back and forth. She was worried for her
husband I realized. Going to sit next to her I put my
arm around her shoulders and squeezed. Neither of us
said anything, we didn't need to; being there for each
other was all that was needed. Before too long Neil
had finished his work, the bleeding stopped, the wound
cleansed and sutured. Bandaging the mans chest he
moved over toward us, kneeling in front of Fairlight.

"Jeb's going to be okay, Fairlight. The nail hit an
artery, which is why it was bleeding so much. I've
sewn it shut and he'll be fine. You need to make sure
he doesn't move and stays in bed until I say other
wise. I'll need to watch for infection but Jeb will
be up and around in no time if he does as I say."

We stayed with them until Jeb woke and Neil repeated
all of his warnings to the man. By the time we'd left
it was beginning to get dark out and Neil headed us
back toward the mission house. I was trying to think
of a way to phrase my question when he beat me to it.


"Christy, how did you know about the instruments?
What made you set them up the way you did?"

"I don't know." I could feel my frustration building.
How many times had I said those words for one reason
or another? When would I know? "It just seemed the
right way."

"It was." Neil was silent for a moment before he
stopped his horse and tuned to face me. In the bright
moonlight I could clearly see him as he faced me.
"Your memories are up there," pointing to my head.
"Give them time, Lass, you'll find them eventually."

"When!" I cried suddenly. Frustrated I got off Prince
and walked a few feet away; his reigns still in my
hands. "I've had no recollection of anything for a
year and a half now! When am I going to remember?
How am I supposed to get on with my life if I can't
remember any of it?"

Though my back was to him I heard Neil get down from
his horse and approach me. I felt a light hand on my
shoulder turning me around to face him.

"You are remembering. I saw you in the Spencer cabin
today. You may not remember every time the two of you
have spent together but I saw how you looked at
Fairlight; you do remember her a little bit, don't
you?" I nodded; I had to, it was the truth. "Those
memories are beginning to come out, Christy. You've
got them locked up for now but little by little they
are beginning to break free."

"I don't like not knowing. It scares me."

"I know, Lass, I know. Give yourself some time.
Don't push yourself too hard or you'll go mad."


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


By the time we made it back to the mission Miss Alice
was a little worried but not too bad. Dinner had been
held back, waiting until we were all there to sit down
and eat. Sitting next to Thomas and across from Miss
Alice I could feel the preacher itching to ask a
question.

"I'm sorry if this seems rude, but I simply have to
ask. Why is it that you wear two different earbobs?"

I couldn't help but smile. "It must seem very odd."
All of them smiled and nodded at my obvious statement.
"You see, every woman in the family wears their
earbobs like this. Each one has a hoop and a ball
that corresponds with their sister. Two halves make a
whole. There are two sets of earbobs; one that is
hoops and the other that is balls. When we wear one
of each set it's a reminder that our sister wears the
other half. Its one way to help remind us that we're
never alone in this world, because somewhere out there
is a woman who is the other half of your life."

"An outward symbol of thy bond of friendship," Miss
Alice said.

"Yes."

Thomas nodded, his question answered and he proceeded
to as Neil how his rounds had gone. I waited,
listening to Neil tell them of Jeb's injury, while
Ruby Mae brought out the meal.

"Possum Surprise!" she cried as she emerged carrying a
plate of steaming meat. "I made it ezpeshally fer Miz
Christy."

Setting the plate down on the table Ruby Mae took up a
knife and cut into the meat, putting a generous
portion on my plate and set the plate before me.
Looking down I prayed that I would make it through
this meal.

"This looks very... creative Ruby Mae, you must have
worked awfully hard on it."

"Oh Yes'm! This here be a bran'new rec'pe, jes fer
ya."

Looking up at her I smiled brightly, as much as I
could force it at any rate. The meat looked
disgusting when I looked back down at it, even worse
than the first time. Picking up my fork I lifted a
small piece from the plate and stopped still, staring
at the plate.

"Is it... umm... is it supposed to be... moving?"

"Moving!?" Alice cried with alarm as she looked down
at her own plate. "Ruby Mae what did thee put in
here?"

"Oh dear, them spiders must not be ded yit."

"Spiders?" Oh dear Lord. Pushing the plate slightly
away I could see the tears that were beginning to
shine with tears. I felt awful! "Ruby Mae you've put
so much time and effort into this meal. I don't know
how to thank you for making me feel so welcome here.
Why don't I share one of my secret recipes with you
and then you can help me make it for everyone else?"

The tears dried almost instantly. "Shorly?"

"Surely, come on, I'll show you what we need."

Getting up from the table I moved with Ruby Mae back
into the kitchen and in no time we had a meal ready,
one of the things Ninnette and Emma had taught me to
make during my time in their kitchen. Seated at the
table once more I watched as they took a few bites of
the meal, each one expressing their delight at its
flavor.

"And it's not even burnt," Neil added, his tone
teasing.

Trying to spear a run away pea I answered him
absentmindedly. "Honestly, Neil. I burn one chicken
and you've branded me for life!"

Still trying to spear the pea I noticed the sudden
silence and looked up to see Neil and Alice both
staring at me. Thinking back over what I just said,
wondering if I'd said something wrong or stupid, it
hit me.

"I burned a chicken!" Neil grinned at me. "What was
I doing in your kitchen? I remember being there but I
don't know why. I just remember there was a lot of
smoke and you came rushing in. What was happening?
Why was I there? Was I really that bad of a cook?
Why am I remembering this? How can I remember burning
a chicken but I can't even remember my family or my
own name? What ..."

"Lass stop!" Neil yelled over my burst of questions,
each one more upsetting than the last. Closing my
mouth I looked across the table at him and waited.
"You had come to my cabin to discuss something with me
and while you were there you made some supper. It
wasn't that bad, we still ate it."

"You ate it," I reminded him. "I wouldn't touch it."

For a moment we stared at each other, the both of us
in shock that I had remembered such a vivid detail.
It was I who laughed first, Neil joining right in, the
rest a few moments later. Sitting back in my chair,
wiping the tears from my eyes I realized how much I
needed that, something to lift the mood I'd been in
since that afternoon.

I could finally see the light at the end of a very,
very long tunnel.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Ten



Sitting on the porch of the mission house, a lazy
Sunday afternoon stretching out before me, I doodled
in a sketchpad that Miss Alice had given to me along
with several pencils to use. My mind kept drifting
back over the last month, all the work I had been
doing in the school teaching by Miss Alice's side, and
the progress I'd made with the children. Most of my
memories had yet to return but a few would trickle
through every now and then.

I remembered sewing the buttons on Mounties coat, and
assisting Neil in an operation on Little Burl. But
mostly they were images, like a waking dream, very
hazy and disorganized. Feelings more then actual
facts. It was frustrating but I knew better than to
let it get to me, which only caused stress that I
didn't need in my life.

Sitting in a rocking chair I absently began to hum the
song that Jira had loved so much. Rocking back and
forth, staring at my sketchpad but not really seeing
it I was amazed when I suddenly realized I'd drawn a
picture of a man. He was older; with kind eyes that
were surrounded by laugh lines. His beard was grayed
as was his hair but I knew he was very important to
me.

Who was he?

Getting up I went inside to ask Miss Alice but she
wasn't there. Finding Thomas inside relaxing with his
book I showed him the picture but he didn't recognize
the man either. Deciding I'd have to wait until Miss
Alice returned I told him I'd be going for a walk.
Warning me to be careful Thomas smiled and said to
have fun.

I didn't know where to go so I just began to walk.
When I came to the river I followed it, lost in my own
thoughts until, quite suddenly, I found myself face to
face with Neil, a fishing pole held in his hands that
was cast in the river to wait for a bite.

"Well hello, Lass. What brings you this way?" he
asked me with a smile.

"I'm not sure," sitting down on a nearby rock. "I
just started following the river and this is where it
led me."

Closing his eyes for a moment Neil suddenly faced the
river, concentrating on his fishing line. Silence
fell and it seemed wrong to interrupt it so I decided
to use the opportunity to sketch my friend. Trying to
capture the essence of his stance I looked up and was
surprised to find that he was watching me, his eyes
intense as he did so. I felt as though he were seeing
me but at another time, had this happened before?

"Let me see," he said suddenly, setting his pole down
and coming over. His voice was a little thicker than
before, I hoped he wasn't getting sick, the last thing
this cove needed was a sick doctor. Taking the
sketchpad from my hands he smiled. "Very nicely done,
Lass. You keep getting better at this."

I shrugged.

"All things improve with time."

"That they do."

Suddenly I saw his pole move and I realized that he'd
caught something. Jumping up I reached for it before
it was dragged into the river. Holding the pole I
could tell I was loosing the battle when suddenly his
arms encircled me, placing his hands over mine to
control the fishing line.

"Just take it nice and easy, Lass. We don't want to
hurry the little one; he'll get here soon enough.
Always remember, it's the dance that matters, not the
frying pan."

The dance. For a reason I could only guess at those
words made my heart hurt, as though I associated them
with something sad. Yet standing by the river, Neil's
strong arms around me as we both held the pole, it
felt right. As though this was where I belonged.
Leaning back for just a moment I allowed myself to
enjoy the feelings that coursed over me. The warmth
of his arms around me, the beating of his heart that I
could feel in my back, a sense of safety that was
unlike any I'd ever experienced before.

Yet in the next instant my heart turned cold and I
felt as though somehow, in enjoying the feeling of
being in Neil's arms, I had cheated on the man from my
dreams. The man who loved me, and who had helped me
to get through everything this last year and a half.
Stiffening my back I was grateful when he released me,
I stepped away to sit on the rock once more, staring
out at the river and at the fish that would now be
Neil's meal.

"You do realize that you're going to have to share
this with me," he teased, though his eyes held no
laughter in them, his jovial mood forced. "I cannot
eat it alone when you were the one who helped me to
capture him."

And so I ended up sitting at a table several hours
later, a plate of fish and vegetables before that
tasted absolutely heavenly. Glancing across the table
at him I saw Neil putting forth the effort to eat, he
had done so every time he knew I was looking at him,
but the times he didn't know all he did was pick at
his plate, pushing the food around in circles. I
wondered...

"Has this happened before?"

"Has what happened before?"

"Me, coming down the river to find you fishing,
sharing a meal with you afterwards."

Neil looked at me for a moment. "Does this seem
familiar to you?" I nodded. Sighing he sat back and
folded his arms. "Aye, it has. Many times actually.
You would go for a walk when something was bothering
you. When you found me out by the river fishing you
would stop and we would talk. Whatever the problem
was it always seemed to be fixed before you left."

"Was there something troubling you, Lass?"

Hesitating I nodded and got up to get my sketchbook
from the porch of his cabin. Returning to the table I
opened it up to the picture of the man I'd drawn
earlier. "Who is he?"

Neil took the sketchbook from my hands and stared at
the picture. "You drew this?" Again I nodded,
waiting for him to answer me. "This is your father,
William Huddleston."

"My father?"

He nodded and studied the picture some more, his eyes
becoming distant as though he was remembering
something. "William is a lawyer, he lives in
Asheville with your mother and your brother."

"Has he ever been here? To Cutter Gap I mean."

"Yes, he was here once."

Neil was holding something back, I could tell from the
look in his eyes that there was something that he
didn't want to say. "What? What aren't you saying?"

"Lass, while he was here your father had a stroke, it
almost killed him. He's okay now though. He's doing
just fine thanks to you and your mother working with
him in his rehabilitation."

"Do they...?" I couldn't bring myself to say it.
Taking a deep breath I forced the question past my
lips. "Do they still think I'm dead?"

Though he hesitated some more Neil finally did answer
my question. "No. When you left the cove Alice and I
called William to let him know that you were alive but
that you had amnesia. We decided it would be best to
let you go since you seemed to be happy with your new
family."

"And now?"

"We haven't called them again yet. Alice wanted to
see if you were here for questions or if you wanted to
stay. She didn't want to get their hopes up if you
were only going to leave again."

We sat in silence for a while; I was trying to digest
everything he'd told me. My family knew I was alive
and they too had let me go thinking I would be happy.
Staring at the picture I wondered what my father,
William, was thinking? Did he miss me? Was he glad
that I was alive?

"Come on," Neil said after some time had passed. "I'd
better get you back to the mission before it's too
late."

Gathering my things he put them in his saddlebag and,
after mounting Charlie, he pulled me up behind him.
Hanging on to his shirt we rode back in silence,
thankfully it was a comfortable one, Neil knowing that
I needed time to think. When we arrived at the
mission I swung down and Neil handed me my sketchpad
and pencil. Standing on the ground looking up at him
I saw how tired he was, his normal spark of laughter
that I had always seen in his eyes was dimmed.

"Thank you, Neil, for everything. I'll have to come
back down the river someday so we can do it again."

"There's nothing I'd like more, Lass."

Smiling at him I climbed the steps and headed into the
mission. The door shut behind me I watched through
the window as he rode away, my heart saddened as I
watched him leave.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


It wasn't here.

Oh dear God Almighty it wasn't here. Thwarting my
panic before it could fully bloom I searched the
entire room for it but it was gone without a trace.
Maybe it was downstairs! Flying out of the room that
Miss Alice had decreed as my own I ran down the steps
to search the main room of the mission house. Under
the cushions, in the corners, not a speck of dust went
unturned.

"Oh God!" I whispered my panic beginning to rise. I
couldn't have lost it, I just couldn't!

"Is something wrong?"

Looking up I saw Miss Alice, Neil, Thomas, and Ruby
Mae sitting at the table, their breakfast before them,
each one looking up at me as I frantically searched
the dining room as I had the main room. Looking at
Ruby Mae I wondered if she hadn't taken it by
accident.

"Ruby Mae, the skirt I was wearing yesterday, the one
with the pocket on the side, where is it?" I asked her
urgently.

"It waz durty, Miz Christy, 'member? Ya gotz mud
on'it when we went a'hikin'. I tuk it down ta
th'rivah ta wash it, it be sokin' raht now."

"The river!" I cried. "Oh my Lord!"

Running out of the mission house I raced with all my
might, hoping, praying it was still there, that it
hadn't been swept down river. I reached the riverbank
and saw the skirt soaking in a pool of water just like
Ruby Mae had said. Lifting the skirt that was now
soaked with water I fumbled for the pocket,
desperation making my hands clumsy. Finally I found
the pocket and reached in.

"No!" I yelled, tears stinging at my eyes. "Oh dear
God no! It's gone!" Dropping the skirt I scanned the
water, searching for a sign that it was still there.
My own skirt was getting as soaked as the one I'd
dropped while I searched the river until finally
someone pulled me out of the water, shaking me to try
and get an answer. Looking up I realized that they
had all followed me, each one wearing a look of
concern and fear at my actions, not understanding what
bothered me so.

"What is thee searching for?"

I couldn't answer; my throat was closed off by tears
that flowed like a torrential downpour, choking me.
"It's gone..." I sobbed, over and over. It had been all
I had left; the one thing that had linked me to my
life before... to him. Miss Alice wrapped her arms
around me, kneeling next to me in the dirt and grass,
stroking my hair in a comforting gesture, trying to
help though she didn't know what was wrong.

"It was all I had," I sobbed. "The only thing I had
left."

And now it was gone. My heart was broken my dreams
shattered. It had meant more to me than anything
else; it linked me to him, to the man I loved. The
only reminder I'd had and now it was gone.

"Miz Christy," Ruby Mae said quietly, her voice
trembling. "Iz you talkin' 'bout yer niklace? The
one ya always warez undah yer shirt?" I nodded, my
tears coursing down my cheeks. The necklace I would
wear no more. "Ya didn' loze it Miz Christy. I felt
som'mn heavy-like in yer pockit soz I tuk it out. Yer
niklace be raht 'ere."

Looking up at her I saw her reach into her pocket and
withdraw my silver necklace. Holding it out for me to
take back I reached out with a shaky hand and took the
silver chain into my hands. Staring at it I saw the
same silver chain and the same silver pendant with an
'M' engraved in the center. Staring at it I saw my
hope returning once more, my dreams built back up by
the one thing that I held in my hands.

"Thank you," I whispered to my red haired heroine, my
tears were no longer of sorrow but of joy, a joy that
filled my heart and shone out for the entire world to
see.

"War'd ya git it, Miz Christy?"

"From him," I whispered, my eyes never leaving the
pendant in my hands even as Miss Alice clasped the
chain around my neck once more. "The man I love gave
this to me, that's all I know. He told me that so
long as I wear it he would always be with me. The one
thing I never doubted, the one thing I always knew is
that he loves me and I love him. And one day he's
going to find me and he's going to make it all better,
because that's what he does. He makes me better."

My eyes never left the pendant in my hands, my fingers
tracing the pattern I knew as well as the color of the
sky. Had I though, had I looked up at the people
around me, I would have seen the tears in Miss Alice's
eyes and the smile on Thomas's face.

But most of all... I would have seen the spark of hope
that once more glowed within Neil's eyes.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Eleven




Sitting on the stairs to the mission I watched the
young children run around playing tag in the yard
while the women folk piled food onto boards until they
bowed under the weight. It was a celebration of the
good harvest, there had been enough for everyone and
the people of the cove had decided to celebrate.
Looking over to the small band I saw Bessie and John
staring at each other while he played. There was no
mistaking the looks that were passing between the two
of them.

"Looks to me like we'll be having a wedding soon."

Smiling I looked up at Neil as he sat down next to me.
"It does look it doesn't it?"

"You don't sound too happy about it."

I'd been caught.

"I am happy for them. It's just..." I moved my eyes
back to the young couple. "They're so young, they're
still children themselves. Their whole life is ahead
of them but if they get married then they'll have
children right away and she'll grow old so quickly
while he works so very hard to support his family." I
sighed. "They deserve better than that."

"Do they?"

"What!"

Holding up his hands to fend of my glare Neil smiled.
"Now hold on a minute before you pass judgement on
what I say. What you just described is what everyone
wants. A family, a home; granted their life is going
to be more difficult than some others but what does
that matter if their happy in it? They have each
other and they love each other. That's what life in
these mountains is all about. It's hard work but it's
a life filled with love of their kin, their family."

He had a point, as much as I wished he didn't. It was
all that people wanted, myself included. A life
filled with love and little else was better than a
life filled with everything but love. Crossing my
arms I nudged his shoulder with mine.

"Well when you put it that way..."

Neil laughed. Listening to its deep rumbling I
couldn't help but smile; I did so love to hear his
laugh. Jeb Spencer approached us before either could
say anything else with a guitar in his hand and a
smile on his face.

"Miz Christy, we'd be ahbliged if'n' you'd join us,"
holding out the guitar to me.

I smiled back at him and took the instrument from his
hands. Settling onto a tree stump with the rest of
the musicians I strummed out a few notes to flex my
fingers before falling into the tune they began to
play. On the grass the children danced, as did a few
of the couples, the music lively, the air festive.
One after another we played the songs, sometimes Jeb
sang, sometimes he didn't, and before too long it was
time to eat.

Taking my place on the stairs next to Neil, the meal
over and filled up to the brim, I was strumming on the
guitar, the song I knew and yet didn't, not really
playing it just absently picking out notes.

"What made you play that, Lass?"

Looking up at him in confusion, "What do you mean? I
wasn't really playing anything."

"You waz playin' "Down in the Valley" Miz Christy,"
Ruby Mae said as she passed us. "It's a right sad
song I think."

"What?"

""Down in the Valley" It's the song you were just
playing."

"I never knew what it was," I told him, committing the
title to memory. "It took me a few months to get it
right, but even then I never knew the words or the
name of the song. Neil, how does it go? What are the
words?"

"Play it again," he told me.

Once more I played the song I knew and yet didn't.
This time though Neil joined me, his deep baritone
joining the sweet song of the music.

"Down in the valley,
Valley so low,
Hang your head over,
Hear the wind blow

Hear the wind blow, dear
Hear the wind blow
Hang your head over
Hear the wind blow

Writing this letter
Containing three lines
Answer my question
Will you be mine

Will you be mine, dear
Will you be mine
Answer my question
Will you be mine

If you don't love me
Love whom you please
Throw your arms 'round me
Give my heart ease

Throw your arms 'round me
Before it's to late
Throw your arms 'round me
See my heart break

Roses love sunshine
Violets love dew
Angels in heaven
Know I love you

Know I love you, dear
Know I love you
Angels in heaven
Know I love you

Go build me a castle
Forty feet high
So I can see her
As she goes by

As she goes by, dear
As she goes by
So I can see her
As she goes by."

I didn't know what to say, the song had been
beautiful, accented perfectly by his voice. We were
silent for a little while before he spoke again.
"Alice said there was something you wanted to talk to
me about."

"Oh. Umm, yes, actually, there was." Looking around
I saw so many people and I knew that this was a
conversation I wanted to have in private. "Could we
walk to the school?"

Getting to his feet Neil looked down at me and offered
his arm, a gentle smile on his face. Lacing my arm
through his we walked away from the celebration and
toward the quiet calm of the empty school. Up the
stairs to the classroom I saw a book lying on the
floor and bent over to pick it up before sitting down
in one of the desks, sliding over so Neil could sit
next to me.

Taking a deep breath I began.

"A few days ago I spoke with Miss Alice and she said
it was a good idea."

I paused to gather my thoughts but then I didn't know
how to start again.

"What is it, Lass?"

"We'll be going to Asheville for a few days. Miss
Alice is taking me to meet my family. We'll be taking
the train from El Pano in three days."

I looked over at Neil to see that his eyes were closed
and a pained look was upon his face. It bothered him;
hurt him, to know that I was leaving. He felt the
same way I did, I was sure, it was too soon, and I
wasn't ready.

"It's wrong isn't it? It's too soon; I shouldn't go.
My place is here; I'll stay here and..."

"No!" Calming himself down Neil looked over at me,
shifting in his seat so he could see my face clearly.
"No. You should go; you need to see your family. It
could help to jog some memories loose."

"So, you think this is a good thing?"

Neil looked at me with an odd look, one that seemed to
pierce right through me into the depths of my very
soul. "What is it? Something scares you about this."

He was right. I was scared. "What if... Neil what if..."

I couldn't say it, the one thing that had been
plaguing me since Miss Alice and I had discussed it.
The words wouldn't pass through my lips; I feared that
if I said them they would come true.

"Say it," he commanded softly.

"What if I get there and... What if I don't remember
them?" There. It was out. I'd finally said it.
"What if I don't remember them, Neil? My father, my
mother, my brother? What if they're just faces in a
crowd, people I don't even recognize? What if I'm not
the same girl they remember? What if...?"

I couldn't bring myself to say complete that thought.

"What they don't love you anymore..."

Nodding I looked down, I could feel the tears stinging
my eyes. Putting his arm around me Neil drew me into
a hug, offering me comfort with his presence, his
strength.

"That will never happen, Lass. They love you very
much and they will never stop loving you. If you
don't remember them then don't worry about it. You
don't remember everything about the children and yet
look at how you've been with them for the last few
months. They love you and you love each and every one
of them."

"Just talk to your parents, listen to their stories,
and get to know them as friends. It's all anyone can
ask of you. Think about when your memories have come
to you. Each time it's been almost as though you
didn't have to think about it, they just came to you.
Just stay relaxed, don't worry about anything and let
what will happen, happen. If its nothing then there's
nothing lost, you'll be no worse off than you are now
except that you'll have met three more people that
love you very much."

Shaking my head I smiled at him. "I don't know how
you do it Neil."

"Do what?"

"Make my fears go away. You always know just what to
say or do."

"That's what I'm here for, Lass. I'll always be here
for you."


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Walking through the woods with Miss Alice I kept a
tight grip on my satchel and a keen eye on the path.
We would be at El Pano soon and with each step I asked
myself one more time, 'Am I doing the right thing?'.
I knew it was what we had decided but was it right?
Was I ready? I was so scared. All of my fears had
returned and I wished that Neil were here with me now,
to make all those fears go away the way he had three
days ago.

As we walked through the woods my mind drifted back to
the schoolroom that day, a sudden curiousness filling
my veins. He had been so quiet after that. I knew
there was something on his mind and yet he kept
telling me that it was nothing. Later on I had seen
him in a heavy debate with Miss Alice, he was angry
and she was defending herself. Something wasn't right
and I got the bad feeling that it was about me, the
fact that they silenced their debate the instant they
saw me confirming it.

I was pulled from my thoughts as we left the forest
and began walking to ward the train station; we'd
reached El Pano. Miss Alice got our tickets and I
stood on the platform, watching the train approaching
from far away, my bad feelings getting worse by the
second. When she stopped next to me I turned to face
her and could see the same worry in her eyes that I
saw in Neil's. Something was going on here.

"Miss Alice, what's going on here? Why do you look so
worried?" She tried to brush it off as nothing but I
didn't believe her. "Miss Alice, please, I know
something is bothering you. Does this have something
to do with the argument you were having with Neil the
other day? Is there something I should know?"

"No, Christy. There are many things thee needs to
know but this is not one of them," she answered
cryptically.

Her tone put an end to the conversation and I turned
back to watch the train, it's black plume of smoke
rising high into the crisp autumn air. I was told
that I had ridden the train before, to get from
Asheville to Cutter Gap, so I assumed that was why
this scene seemed so familiar to me. Standing side by
side with Miss Alice we were both buffeted by the
steam from the engine as it passed, our skirts tossed
about by the force of it.

Closing my eyes against the hot steam, a welcome break
from the chill of the season, I saw him. The man I
loved, standing here, on this very platform with me as
this same thing happened. The steam enveloping us in
a warmth that was taken away an instant later. He had
tightened his arms around me and spoken into my ear.
'Are you sure you're going to be all right, Lass?'

My eyes flew open and I turned to stare back in the
direction we had come. Lass? He'd called me Lass.
But there was only one man who'd ever called me Lass.
Reaching for the pendant I stared at the engraved
letter in its center. 'M' for...? Was it possible?
Was it him? My thoughts drifted back to the look on
his face when he'd first seen me, the same look I'd
seen when I somehow knew these mountain folk didn't
have enough food to eat. I remembered the tearful
prayer the day I'd left the cove.

But most of all, of all the memories I had of Neil I
remembered the feeling of being in his arms by the
river while we had fished. The way it had felt so
nice, so comfortable and... so right. The same way it
had felt so right the day we'd stood on this very
train platform, his arms around me, his voice in my
ear, the feeling of warmth and safety that had flowed
over me that day, in that very moment. I stared at
the pendant in my hand. 'M' was for MacNeill.

"Oh my God!"

"Christy?" Miss Alice looked over at my sudden words,
her eyes filled with concern. "Is thee all right?"

"It's Neil!" I cried to her, grasping her arm. "Miss
Alice, all this time... it was Neil all the while! Why
didn't he ever say anything? Why didn't he tell me?"

"Thee remember Neil?"

"We were standing here, on this very platform, I'm not
sure why, but he was holding me and it was so right.
I... Miss Alice, I love Neil! That's what the 'M' is
for. MacNeill!"

Tears sprang into her eyes and Miss Alice smiled at
me, a watery smile but filled with joy. "Yes, thee
and Neil were to be married. We did not tell thee
because of thy strong belief that thee was in love
with a man thee did not know. Had we told thee it was
Neil we were afraid thee would leave and never come
back. We both hoped that with time thee would
remember on thy own."

Neil... "Miss Alice, I can't leave, not before I see
him! I have to go see him!"

"Go, child, we shall make the trip to Asheville after
thee has seen him. Go!"

With a laugh I kissed Miss Alice on the cheek Iand ran
from the platform as fast as I could, dodging people
and animals as I ran through the small town. I
remembered the most important thing of all...

I was in love with Neil!


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Twelve




My lungs were going to explode. I hadn't stopped
running since I'd left Miss Alice at the train
station. My skirt was bunched up in my hands, hiked
up to my knees no doubt, but I didn't care who saw me
or what I looked like; I had to get to Neil.
Following the trail, wishing I had a horse to get me
there faster, I ticked off the markers between me and
him, rejoicing when I passed each one for that meant I
was one step closer to the man I love. The fallen
tree sitting atop the boulder, the trio of trees that
were twisted around each other as they spiraled to the
sky, the crook in the river where the boulder rested
in the middle of it... and there it was!

Neil's cabin.

Thirty feet away from the man I loved with all my
heart. I knew now, I could see his face in all the
dreams I'd had. Those red curls flying in the wind as
we rode together, the same ones that he would run his
hand through when he was frustrated and pull on when
he was concentrating. His blue eyes that would so
often be filled with laughter and joy and yet can be
so serious that you forget you ever knew how to laugh.
The wrinkled corners of his eyes that had seen so
much in his life and yet never gave up on the people
he served.

Twenty more feet until I could feel the strength of
his arms around me, it was the same feeling that I had
known only in my dreams and wondered if I would ever
feel again. The safety, warmth, love that made me
want to weep with joy. Feeling his hands covering
mine, their roughness on my skin was a balm of
comfort, a reminder that he was there with me even if
I couldn't see him.

Ten more feet until the man I loved would step out of
my dreams and into my world to hold me, kiss me, love
me once more in real life. Never again would I leave
his side, wherever he went I would go with him. This
past year and a half of nightmares would never be
allowed to become reality again. My place was with
him and I would never allow anything to separate us
again.

Running up the stairs I got to the door and found it
open. Rushing inside I searched the cabin. He wasn't
there; the cabin was empty! Running back outside I
looked in the barn and saw Charlie munching on his
hay. He had to be close. But where? He could have
gone in any direction.

"Neil!" I yelled. The corner of the porch caught my
eyes and I saw that his pole was gone. "The river!"

Running down the slope I was heading towards the river
when I saw him turn away from the river and look up,
my cry must have alerted him. The look on his face
was a mixture of confusion and alarm as he dropped his
pole and took a few steps towards me.

"Lass, what is it? What's wrong?" he yelled to me as
he took in my no doubt wild appearance.

Still some good twenty feet away his voice was raised
so I could hear him as I ran toward him. I didn't
bother replying, I couldn't have had I tried, my lungs
too busy trying to breath to waste time talking.
Closing the distance between us I could feel a grin
spreading over my face as I drew nearer to him.
Finally passing the last tree I was out of the bumpy
forest floor and ran full speed to Neil.

Throwing myself into his arms I wrapped my arms around
his neck, refusing to let go even as my hands lost
themselves in his reddish curls and my lips found his.
I felt his arms, those strong arms I'd dreamt of for
as long as I could remember, close around me,
supporting me as my legs gave out, crushing me to him
with a force I thought would break me in two. His
lips pressed back in a passionate kiss that was filled
with longing, love, heartache and joy all at the same
time.

Breaking away from his lips, trying to breath I clung
to him, chest heaving from the exertion of my run from
El Pano. But I didn't care; I was with Neil, the man
I love, the man whose side I would never leave. Tears
streamed from my eyes as we stood there on the
riverbank and over the sound of the rushing river and
my own haggard breathing I heard it.

Neil was crying.

Lifting my head from his shoulder I looked at him and
saw his watery eyes, the tears that were rolling down
his cheeks and the smile that filled his face. Love
shone from his face and my heart stopped when I
remembered that it was all for me. The emotions of
his private talk with Alice the day Jira had been
shot, the emotive prayer I'd overheard in the
schoolhouse... I suddenly realized the nightmare I had
put this man through. First thinking I was dead and
then finally to have me back only to know that I
didn't remember who he was or how much we loved each
other.

My tears began anew as I realized how patient he'd
been, how loving even when I didn't know it was love.
He'd kept silent while I tried to find myself, he'd
put himself through so much just so that I would feel
comfortable. And I had been; from the first moment I
had met the man I had felt safe and comfortable with
him, a friend through and through. Now I knew why.

Lowering me to the ground, set me on my feet, Neil put
his hand to the nape of my neck and lowered his head
to mine, his warm lips gently pressing against mine in
a sweet loving kiss that warmed me from head to toe.
Was it any wonder that I loved this man? One simple
act and I was his, mind heart and soul. How could I
have forgotten him?

"I'm sorry," I whispered to him, wrapping my arms
around his chest. My voice was choked with my tears.
"I'm so sorry, Neil."

"It's over, it's done. You remember now, that's all
that matters to me, Lass," he soothed as he hugged me
close. "Nothing else matters."

Looking up at him I knew he was right but it didn't
make it any easier to live with, the pain that I had
caused him would always be a memory in my heart and it
hurt to think about it.

"Stop that, Lass." My eyes widened in surprise. How
did he always do that? "Stop thinking about it."
Raising his hand to my cheek Neil wiped away the tears
that rested there. "It's over, you're here, and
nothing will ever separate us again, I promise."

Stepping up to my tiptoes I kissed the tears from his
face before wrapping my arms around him again.

"I love you, Neil MacNeill."

How long we stood there I'll never know, I don't care
either, but the next thing I knew besides the feel of
his arms around me was the sound of a horse
approaching and it's rider calling out.

"I'm glad thee made it here, I was worried when I
didn't find thee on the path, Christy."

Moving my head to peer up at Miss Alice from within
Neil's arms I smiled at her. The worry had gone from
her face, replaced by the joy I so often saw in the
faces of the children. Burying my face in Neil's
shirt I couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled up
from within, flowing up from my heart it was too
precious to be kept within, ready to be shard with the
world, with those I loved.

"We have missed our train, why don't we have a meal
with Neil and we may leave for Asheville tomorrow?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm not going anywhere without
Neil and he'll need a few days to arrange everything
before he can leave." Glancing up at Neil I continued
a little hesitantly. "That is, if you still want to
marry me."

Caressing my cheek with his thumb Neil smiled at me,
his face soft and his eyes still bright with tears.
"Christy Huddleston, there is nothing else in this
world that would make me as happy as making you my
wife."

We moved up into the cabin and while Neil put the
horse Miss Alice had borrowed into the barn with
Charlie we set about to make the evening meal.
Nothing fancy, just a stew with the bread Neil already
had, but the aroma filled the house and when Neil
entered the cabin from his work outdoors he breathed
in its scent appreciatively.

"It's been too long since this cabin has been filled
with the smell of your cooking," he said as he came up
behind me. "Though I must say it has improved
drastically since the first time."

Making a face at him I swatted his arm with the cloth
I was using to wipe down the table. Laughing he
merely moved away to stoke the fire before
disappearing up to his bedroom. When he emerged I saw
that he had changed out of his fishing trousers and
donned a different pair, one that I suspected was a
little on the newer side judging by the richness of
the colors. The lye soap hadn't had a chance to dull
them yet.

Waiting for the stew to finish I made sure the table
was set for three but when I stood back to look at it
I couldn't help but feel that something was missing.
Glancing around the cabin I saw it in the corner and
smiled. Now I remembered what it was. "You kept it!"

Following my line of sight Neil smiled. "Of course I
kept it."

Crossing the room Neil took the centerpiece from its
lace on his desk and brought it over to the table,
setting it in the exact center of the wooden table and
lighting the candle with a twig from the fire.

"What is this?" Miss Alice inquired. "It's quite
pretty."

"Thank you," I smiled at the compliment. "I made this
as a centerpiece for the first meal I we shared here
after we started courting."

"It's become sort of a tradition for us Alice.
Whenever we have dinner here this is always on the
table and lit."

The three of us stared at the centerpiece with its two
candles centered in a ring of dried flowers. The ring
of flowers was one Neil had made for me on one of our
walks. I had dried it that night and was keeping it
in my dresser but the idea had come to me after seeing
Ruby Mae make one for the mission. Though hers had
taken only a few moments to put together mine was a
little more elaborate, including little things that
meant something to each of us.

The wooden circle that the flowers were attached to
had the MacNeill clan symbol painted onto it while the
candles were ones that my mother had given to me
during my last visit to Asheville. With the two long
tapers centered in the ring there was plenty of room
around them to add a candle for each of the children
Neil and I had talked about having.

The stew done I served the three of us before sitting
down at the table with them. Neil offered a prayer to
God before we began to eat, thanking him for the
blessing he'd been given of having me back with him
once more. I was glad that my head was bowed for I
could feel the tears stinging at my eyes as he prayed.
My hand joined with his I felt him tighten his grip
for a moment after he'd ended the prayer and we began
to eat.

"The made remarkable time to the cabin today Christy.
I was sure I would pas thee on the road since I was on
horse and thee was not."

Smiling at her I couldn't help but laugh. "Actually
Miss Alice I ran the whole way. I'm sure my legs will
be quite sore tomorrow morning."

"You ran here from El Pano?" Neil asked, his eyebrows
raised in surprise.

I nodded a little sheepishly. "I'd waited a year and
a half to find you, Neil, I wasn't going to wait
another moment longer."

Under the table Neil reached for my hand, encasing it
within his own, his thumb caressed the palm of my hand
for the rest of the meal. The dishes washed and the
table wiped down we retired to the hearth to talk in
front of the fire. Miss Alice sat in Neil's reading
chair while we sat down on his small bench seat. My
legs curled under me I leaned against his sold chest,
Neil's arm draped over my shoulders and we talked the
night away.

Finally Miss Alice declared it was time to sleep and
climbed the stairs to Neil's bedroom that we two would
share, leaving poor Neil to sleep in his chair. With
an order to join her in no more than five minutes she
left us to say goodnight. Though we still hadn't
moved from the bench seat Neil looked down at me and
smiled.

"Two day and we'll be off to Asheville, no more than
that I promise."

"I don't care," I replied to him, looking up to meet
his eyes. "I don't care where we go or what we do so
long as it's always together."

"We will be, Lass. I am never going to let you out of
my sight again." Leaning his head down he kissed my
forehead before removing his arm from my shoulders.
"But for now, you have to go up stairs and sleep, you
are exhausted."

Agreeing I uncurled my legs and stretched them only to
cry out in pain. Recognizing the situation
immediately Neil disappeared into his lab and returned
with a small jar of cream. Lifting me up he carried
me up the stairs, calling out to Alice that she'd
better be decent and to open the door. I heard her
scurry around, no doubt to don a robe, and hurriedly
opened the door.

"What's happened?" she asked, starting at the sight of
me in Neil's arms.

"Her legs have cramped," Neil replied as he deposited
me on the bed. "Alice rub this on her legs, massage
them as you do, it will help with the pain and by the
morning you won't be quite so sore." Putting his
hands to my face Neil leaned down, kissing me gently.
"Goodnight Lass," he whispered.

Offering a goodnight to Alice he shut the door behind
him and I heard Neil descending the stairs. Miss
Alice helped me to change into my nightgown and then
while I sat on he bed she did as Neil had instructed,
massaging the cream into my aching legs. Though it
hurt at first by the time she was done I could already
feel the knots in my muscles beginning to loosen up.

We were both sound asleep when the pounding began at
the door. Miss Alice sprang out of the bed, donned
her clothes faster than I thought possible and was
down the stairs even as Neil answered the door.
Moving a little more slowly, my legs still somewhat
sore, I threw my skirt on over my nightgown and
grabbed a shirt I saw hanging off the chair in the
corner to wear over it. Racing to put on my shoes I
hurried down the stairs and saw Neil reaching for his
saddlebags while Miss Alice put on her coat; Bob Allen
waiting nervously by the door.

"Lass, stay here, I need to go to the Allen's. Come
morning you..."

"No, Neil, I'm not staying here. I'm coming with
you."

Neil shook his head. "Bob, go saddle Charlie, I'll be
right there, Alice you'd better saddle your horse as
well." The pair left the cabin and Neil turned to me,
placing his hands on my shoulder and forcing me to
meet his eyes. "Listen to me, Christy, I don't know
what's wrong with Creed and I'm not going to risk you
getting sick. I want you to stay here."

"No." He opened his mouth to say something else but I
wouldn't let him. "The last time I left you by choice
I never saw you again. I'm coming with you."

Staring down at me I saw his eyes soften. Sighing he
pulled me into his arms for a moment, holding me
close. I could hear his voice from deep within his
chest as he said, "All right Lass, but I want your
word that if I say to go to the mission... you'll go."

Nodding my head I gave him my word. My hand in his we
ran out to the yard where bob was waiting with
Charlie, saddled and ready to go. Neil mounted and
reaching down to pull me up. Moments later we were
off, racing towards the Allen's in a desperate race to
save a sick little boy.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Thirteen


Arriving at the Allen Cabin the first thing I saw was
the children huddled in the far corner of the cabin,
bunched together, each one staring at their brother
wide eyed. From the eldest to the youngest I could
see that each one was scared for their kin. Neil and
Miss Alice moved to Creed as he lay on the main bed;
he looked so small to me, so fragile as he lay there,
oblivious to the world around him, to the fear and
worry of the people who loved him. As Neil examined
the little boy I could se his frown grow more and more
defined, his eyes becoming more and more serious.

Whatever that was wrong with Creed was something very
bad.

"Children why don't we go outside for some fresh air?
Come on," I motioned for them to come with me.

Moving away from the house I tried to keep them
occupied with some games and such so that their mind
would be son something other than the goings on inside
their home. After sending them out in a search for
some firewood we built a small fire in the yard and
settled down around it. With Little Burl in my lap I
began to tell them a story from the top of my head.

"Little Burl you might remember the beginning of this
story but now all of you get to hear it as well. Now
I need all of you to remember this story so that when
Creed is all better you can tell it to him just like
I'll tell it to you. Can you do that?"

They all nodded and so I began the story.

"It's about the wicked Hoptoad and the Little Yellow
Dragon. Now this was a beautiful little Yellow Dragon
and he lived right down there by the edge of your own
Blackberry Creek. He was very happy because he loved
that gurgling water. Only one thing was wrong, the
poor little dragon couldn't speak because the wicked
Hoptoad had stolen his voice many, many years ago."

"Every day the Little Yellow Dragon went down to the
creek to listen to the water gurgling past him and to
get a drink. One day though the Little Yellow Dragon
discovered a young boy sitting on a large rock in the
center of the creek. The young boy was crying and
when he saw the Yellow Dragon he got scared. But the
Little Yellow Dragon smiled to show the little boy
that he wouldn't hurt him."

"'What are you?' the little boy asked the dragon, for
he had never seen a yellow beast before. But the
Little Yellow Dragon could not answer the boy for he
had no voice. Instead he raised one of his mighty
paws and ever so gently wiped away the young boys
tears from his face and nuzzled him gently with his
nose. The boy stopped crying and smiled back at the
Little Yellow Dragon. Soon they were playing together
and the young boy forgot all about why he was crying."

"Soon night time came and the Little Yellow Dragon
knew that the boy had parents who were worried about
him so he pushed the boy towards the forest so he
would go home to his family. The young boy began to
cry again for he remembered why he was by the river in
the first place. 'My Ma and Pa were taken away from
our home!' he cried. 'The wicked Hoptoad took them to
work in his castle in the mountains and I'll never see
them again!'"

"The Little Yellow Dragon grew sad. The young boy had
no family, the wicked Hoptoad had stolen them the same
way he had stolen the Little Yellow Dragon's voice.
This was too much for the Little Yellow Dragon to
bear. No one deserved to have their family taken
away, especially not by someone as mean as the wicked
Hoptoad. Lifting the young boy onto his back the
Little Yellow Dragon began to flap his mighty wings
and no sooner than the boy could blink his eyes than
they were up in the sky, flying through the clouds!"

"When the Little Yellow Dragon got to the castle he
perched on the highest tower so that no one would see
him from way up there and they looked for the boys
parents. 'There they are!' he cried. 'Ma and Pa are
down there!' Sure enough the Little Yellow Dragon
looked down and saw the boys family working very hard
in the castle courtyard while the wicked Hoptoad slept
in his chair. As quietly as it could the Little
Yellow Dragon swooped down from the tallest tower and
landed in the courtyard."

"The young boy jumped off of the Little Yellow
Dragon's back and ran to his Ma and Pa. At first they
had been scared when they saw the yellow beast but
when they saw their own son running towards them they
were so happy that they forgot to be scared. 'Come
on, we can go home now, my new friend will fly us home
on his back,' the young boy whispered to them as he
pulled them toward the Little Yellow Dragon. While
the May and the young boy climbed onto the Little
Yellow Dragon's back the Pa went over to where the
wicked Hoptoad was sleeping."

"Very carefully he cut the string that held a bottle
around the Hoptoads neck and with the bottle in is
hand the Pa ran to this family, joining them on the
back o the Little Yellow Dragon. With all the extra
weight it was very difficult for the Little Yellow
Dragon to fly but with the encouragement of the family
on his back he soon made it up inot the air and landed
them safely back at the river where the young boy had
first met the Little Yellow Dragon."

"'Thank you for saving us,' the Ma cried to the yellow
beast. 'The wicked Hoptoad was very mean and he said
we would never leave his castle, that we were to be
his slaves for the rest of our lives. Thank you so
much!' Reaching up as far as she could the Ma kissed
the Little Yellow Dragon on his cheek. Blushing the
Little Yellow dragon ducked its head. It had never
been kissed before, especially never by a lady. After
a moment the Pa approached the Little Yellow Dragon
with the bottle still in his hands."

"'You saved our lives and we are very beholding to you
for that. I hope that this will repay you for
everything you did for us.' Looking at the bottle the
Little Yellow Dragon grew very excited. It was the
same bottle that the wicked Hoptoad had captured the
Little Yellow Dragon's voice in many, many years ago.
Taking the bottle from the Pa the Little Yellow Dragon
opened it and lifted the bottle to his lips. His
voice flowed back out of the bottle and into his
throat and finally, after many, many years, the Little
Yellow Dragon could speak again!"

"'Thank you so much for giving me my voice back!' he
said to the family. 'The wicked Hoptoad had stolen it
from me many, many years ago and I was never able to
get it back.' Everyone smiled at each other and that
night the Little Yellow Dragon had dinner with his new
friends. The young boy grew up and he and the Little
Yellow Dragon were the very best of friends forever
and ever."

My story complete I looked around at the children and
I could see that they were very involved in the story,
they had forgotten all about Creed. Smiling at them I
asked which one of them would repeat the story to me,
I had to be sure they had it right so they could tell
it to the rest of their kin another time. One by one
they repeated the story to me. Rob even wrote it down
so that they would have a written copy just in case
they ever did forget it.

As the last child was telling the story I looked
across the yard to see Neil standing in the doorway
watching us. Meeting my eyes he nodded and gave me a
small smile. Everything would be okay; Creed would be
okay. Closing my eyes for a moment I thanked God for
the news and tried to will away the tears I could feel
stinging at my eyes.

"Teacher? Be ya tired?"

Looking down at Little Burl I smiled at him. "No
Little Burl. Please, continue with the story."

Little Burl finished his story as Neil walked over to
our little group by the fire. Waiting until Burl was
finished to make himself known he knelt down among the
children when the boy was done.

"Listen to me very carefully children. Creed is going
to be just fine but he needs to stay in bed for quite
some time so that he can heal properly. When he's
finished sleeping then you can tell him your story but
for now he needs to sleep, understand?" The children
nodded. "All right then. Go see Miss Alice and
she'll let you see Creed for a few moments. But be
very quiet."

The children got up and ran for the house, entering
the cabin as quietly as they could given their
excitement that their brother would be all right.

"Thank you for keeping them occupied, Christy. It was
exactly what was needed."

Shivering against a sudden wind I pulled the shirt I
was wearing tighter around me I smelled the scent of
pipe tobacco, lye soap, and rubbing alcohol in the
breeze. It was then that I remembered that the shirt
I had grabbed was one of Neil's, the one he had taken
off before dinner when he changed.

"I think I like it better on you than on me," he
grinned.

Smiling back I watched as he got up from his spot on
the ground. Neil sat down on the log next to me and
rubbed at his neck. I cold see that he was sore from
bending over the table for so long and ordered him to
sit on the ground in front of me. Once he was there I
rubbed my hands over his neck and shoulders, massaging
away some of the tension I could feel there.

"That feels so good, Lass," he groaned in
appreciation. "You always knew exactly when I needed
this."

"I guess some things are just habits that run deep. I
never really forgot them, they just come naturally."
Working for a few more minutes I asked, "Neil, what
happened? What was wrong with Creed?"

"It was his appendix, had we been any later it would
have burst. But he'll be all right. I'll need to
watch for infection but the operation went smoothly.
I'll make sure Dan Scott gets over here to keep an eye
on him while I'm gone."

"Can you leave with Creed still recovering?"

Neil turned to face me, twisting himself around so the
he could see my face, his eyes to mine. "Nothing is
going to keep me from getting married to you, Lass.
Creed will be fine and I trust Dan Scott to watch over
the cove while we're gone."

Grabbing my hands he brought them to his lips, kissing
each one before Miss Alice called him back in.
Standing we walked to the cabin, hand in hand, to
visit with the little boy who was just beginning to
awake from his induced sleep.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Once again we were standing on the platform of the
train station in El Pano, this time though Miss Alice
and I were joined by Neil. Watching the both of them
I saw that, just as she had the last time, both were
nervous about something, their eyes darting all
around. Looking everywhere and yet nowhere at the same
time.

"Neil? Is everything all right?"

Looking down at me he nodded and tried to smile.
"It's fine, Lass."

Sighing I decided to be upfront about it and just
confront him. "Neil, don't lie to me." That got his
attention. "I know that there is something abut this
that I'm not remembering, Miss Alice said as much the
last time we were here. I have nothing to be scared
of so long as you are here with me. And the same goes
for you. So long as we're together everything will be
okay."

Closing his eyes Neil took a deep breath and hugged me
close. "You're right, Lass, you're right. Everything
is fine so long as I have you by my side."

Kissing my hair he released me so that we could board
the train. Seated in the bench seats, Neil and I on
one and Miss Alice on the opposite one facing us, the
train ride passed smoothly and we were soon getting
off at the station in Asheville. Neil and Miss Alice
seemed to breathe much easier once we were off the
train and they were soon leading the way down streets
I didn't know until we stopped before a large house
and a very pretty neighborhood.

Around the one side of the house I could see a tree
house built in a large tree that sat in the corner of
the property. The garden was beautiful, autumn blooms
still there to be seen and smelled. Taking a deep
breath I walked up the walkway with my two dearest
friends on either side of me. Neil knocked on the
door and moments later a young woman answered, her
black dress and simple apron telling me that she must
be a servant.

"Please come in. May I say who's calling?"

"Just tell them that it's family," Neil told her as he
shed his own coat and helped me out of mine.

While she went off to announce us I checked my
appearance in the mirror. I had chosen the best dress
I had, a simple white blouse and a deep blue skirt,
both in good repair. Nervously I patted down a stray
hair and I saw Neil wink at me in the mirror. Smiling
back at him and took his hand in mine as we were led
down the hallway to what I assumed was a sitting room.

Standing in the doorway I saw a young man sitting at a
desk, a book open in front of him, obviously studying.
There was an older woman sitting in a chair working
on her stitch work. But it was the older man that
held my attention. I recognized him immediately from
the sketch I had drawn; the man Neil had said was my
father. Our presence announced by the young woman I
watched as all three looked up, their expressions as
varied as the clouds in the sky, each one very
different from the next, yet each one both shocked and
amazed.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Fourteen



It was the elder man who stood up first.

The woman, whom I assumed was my mother, paled and
simply sat staring at me in shock, her eyes glued to
my face. And off to the one side the young man sat
behind the desk, also staring in shock, he must be the
younger broth Neil had told me about.

But it was the older man, the one I recognized from my
sketchpad, who approached me, his eyes blinking
rapidly, lower lip slightly quivering, and he took my
hand in his two big warm ones. "Christy," he began,
his one word was half a question and half a whispered
prayer. With a small shake of his head the man smiled
at me. "My name is William Huddleston. I... I'm your
father." He paused and looked at me uncertainly. "Do
you remember me?"

"I'm sorry, I don't remember everything. I did
remember your face but I didn't know who you were
until Neil told me."

William smiled at me with a kind smile; one that I
knew meant a great deal to me. "Then that is a
beginning. We shall simply have to get to know one
another again." Taking my hand he led me over to the
woman. "This is my wife and your mother, Julia
Huddleston."

She stood and wrapped her arms around me in a fierce
hug before stepping back and wiping the tears from her
eyes. I wish I could have said I remembered her but
the truth was that I didn't.

"And I'm George," the younger man said, rising from
his seat at the desk to introduce himself. "Your
highly annoying little brother."

I smiled at him as we shook hands. I could tell I
liked him already. "I wish I knew what to say to all
of you. 'It's nice to meet you.' doesn't seem right
but neither does 'It's good to be home,'. I'm afraid
I don't know what to say."

"Then why don't we start with 'Hello,' and we'll take
it from there." William kissed my cheek before
turning to face my two companions. "Neil, Miss Alice,
it's a pleasure to see the both of you again. We had
no idea you were coming."

"Well, Alice was going to come with Christy as it was
but a few days ago Christy remembered who I really am;
what we mean to each other." I looked up at him to
see Neil smiling at me, his eyes twinkling, and I
couldn't help but blush. "We're here so that Christy
can get to know her family before they attend her
wedding."

William and George broke out into grins, their joy
apparent, but Julia, my mother, seemed hesitant before
offering her smile and joining in the congratulations.
We were escorted upstairs to the guest bedrooms to
freshen up before dinner and when I entered my room I
was hit with a sudden feeling of familiarity, as
though I knew this room.

"This was your room, darling," Julia said as she stood
in the doorway. "I've never touched anything in here,
leaving everything the way you left it when you went
off to teach in the mountains."

With a small wistful smile she left me to freshen up,
closing the door behind her. Standing in the room I
looked around, taking in the canopy bed, the vanity,
the walk in closet, the bureau, and the tall mirror.
An ornate bedroom compared to my room at the mission
and those I'd seen in the cabins of the cove. I had
been told that I came from a well off family but this
was so much more than I had ever dreamed of. Quickly
I put those thoughts from my mind, washed my face,
freshened my hair and clothes before leaving the
bedroom to see Miss Alice in the hallway.

"How is thee faring?" she asked with a kind voice.

"Well enough I suppose. I'm a little overwhelmed at
the moment."

"'Tis to be expected I would say. Give it some time,
thee will come to know thy family again. Until then
Neil and I are here for thee whenever thee needs us."

Thanking her we went downstairs together and joined
our hosts... my family... in the dining room. The dinner
began with a little tension but soon conversation was
flowing and before I knew it, it was time to retire to
bed, the night had passed by unnoticed. Neil escorted
me to my room, kissing me goodnight before turning in
to his own room. Lying in the bed, staring up at the
canopy I wondered what my life had been like when I
had lived here in Asheville.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Standing before a mirror I looked at the dress that
was fitted to my body. Though the dress in itself was
a beautiful gown I knew it wasn't what I wanted.
Julia... my mother, had said that it was all the latest
fashion but staring at my reflection in the mirror I
knew it wasn't the one for me. This was the fifth
dress she had asked me to try on and it was the fifth
one I had rejected for one reason or another. Too
frilly, too tight, too loose, too extravagant... none
were right for me.

It was tiresome.

Over breakfast she had informed everyone that she and
I would go shopping for a wedding dress and my heart
had stopped still. An entire day with a woman I'd
just met whom I did not remember as being my mother.
Oh dear Lord. But thankfully Miss Alice had stepped
in and said that she would like to come along, it had
been so long since she'd been to town she was
interested to see the latest fashions. While there
was some truth in her words she, Neil, and I knew she
was going along for the sole reason of helping me
adjust to the woman who was my mother.

And she had been a Godsend; an anchor in the storm; a
buffer of protection between Julia and I. Now,
standing before the mirror I met her eyes and she knew
this was the sixth dress that I would reject. If only
I could make Julia understand, this type of dress, the
latest fashion, the frump and frills was not for me.
I wanted a dress that was simple, one that I could
wear again for the ceremony in the cove and not have
the women of the cove feel poorer than they already
were.

So far this shopping trip had been a waste. The only
good thing to come of it was that I got to know Julia
a little better. She was a very prim and proper
woman, a woman of society. How had it come to be that
she had let her only daughter move out to the
mountains of Tennessee to teach school in a backwoods
mission? The answer to that one still eluded me. It
seemed that at almost every turn she was remarking on
some highlight of living in Asheville. Commenting on
how this or that would never be found in Cutter Gap or
El Pano for that matter.

By the time we were to eat the noon meal we still had
not found a wedding dress that was to my liking. I
felt as though I were letting her down somehow; it
bothered me that I couldn't make her happy. We were
meeting my father and Neil at a small café in the
heart of town when a young woman approached me with a
too bright smile.

"Christy?" she cried with a gasp. "Christy Rudd
Huddleston! How dare you come to Asheville and not
come see your best friend."

Pulling me into a polite hug she stepped back to look
me over. I saw her eyes falter at the mismatched
earbobs in my ears but she recovered and pretended not
to notice them. Chatting away for a few moments about
people and events I had no recollection of she
suddenly stopped and eyed someone behind me.


"My, my, my," she gushed. "Who is that tall drink of
water walking this way with your father? I've never
seen such a handsome man; so rugged, so... manly."

Turning around I saw Neil and William walking towards
us, both men dressed in finely tailored suits, though
even with all the effort he'd put into it a curl or to
still escaped from their prison atop Neil's head.
They stopped next to our small group and the young
woman sidled up to Neil to introduce herself. I
watched her place her hand on his arm, leaning in
towards him slightly, and it made my blood boil.
Before I knew what I was doing I had grabbed Neil's
hand within my own and smiled at my so-called friend.

"This is my fiancé, Dr. Neil MacNeill."

My tone was clear. Neil was mine and she had better
back away. She took note of the thinly veiled message
and stepped back, greeting William with a slightly
less bright smile, before announcing she had to be on
her way. As Julia, William, and Miss Alice stepped
inside to claim a table at the small café Neil held me
back for a moment.

"Who was that?"

Watching the young woman disappear around the corner I
didn't bother to hide the look of contempt I could
feel on my face. "Someone I don't think I want to
remember."

Laughing Neil brought my hand to his lips, kissing it
with a smile. "You have nothing to fear, Lass,
absolutely nothing."


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Standing before a row of books in the library I
scanned the titles, trying to choose one to read. A
hand reached over my shoulder and grabbed a copy of
Utopia and held it out to me. Turning around as I
took the book I saw William standing behind me with a
soft smile on his face.

"This one was always your favorite," he said. "You
said that it reminded you that we are all just peasant
people in this world, subject to the laws that are
beyond our control as well as the ones we enforce upon
ourselves."

"Thank you," I whispered as I looked down at the book.

"Christy, I want you to know something..."

Sitting down on a chair he motioned for me to do
likewise, waiting until I was settled in one of the
reading chairs to continue.

"I don't expect anything from you. I'm sure that this
is a very difficult time for you right now, especially
trying to find a love for someone that you simply
cannot remember. Whether or not you know who I am,
whether or not you will ever remember my place in your
past, I will always love you as my little Girlie, no
matter what."

Looking down I was afraid that if I met his eyes I
would loose the control I had over my tears, his words
moving me to them against my own will. Somehow he
knew how difficult this was for me and he wasn't going
to try and make me remember, try to force me to say
what I couldn't feel in my heart. Yet at the same
time, by his one simple act of letting go until I was
ready I knew that everything I had been told was the
truth, I felt it in my heart... this man was my father.

"Thank you, Daddy."

Closing his eyes for a brief moment when he opened
them I could see that they were as shiny as mine were.
One word, yet it held so much love within it.
Nodding he stood and crossed the room to me, placing a
tender kiss on the top of my head before moving out of
the library to retire to bed with his wife. A few
moments later, book in hand, I climbed the stairs and
as I was passing the master bedroom when I heard the
muffled tears from within. Stopping, even though I
knew better, I listened.

"Why, William? Why can't she remember me, her own
mother? Do I mean so little to her?"

I didn't hear his reply before I fled the closed
doorway, running down the hallway to Neil's room. Not
bothering to knock, I rushed into his room, closing
the door behind me before allowing my tears to fall.
Pausing mid-stride as he crossed the room, in the
middle of buttoning a flannel shirt, Neil's eyes
widened at the shock of my sudden appearance only to
grow concerned when he saw my tears. With two long
strides he was by my side, pulling me into his arms,
soothing me with soft words and even softer hands
caressing my back and hair, giving me the time I
needed to pull myself to gather before inquiring about
what had happened.

"I can't do it, Neil, I just can't! She wants me to
remember her so much but I don't! Why can I feel the
love in my heart for Daddy, but not for her? She's my
mother and I don't feel anymore for her than I would
for a stranger on the street! What kind of daughter
am I? How can I not find the love in my heart for my
own mother?"

"Ah, so that's what it is." Moving away from the door
Neil sat me down on the edge of the bed and kneeled in
front of me, our hands joined in my lap. "Lass, you
can't help whom you remember and whom you don't.
Amnesia isn't something you can control; it does as it
pleases. Think about how long it took you to remember
the people of Cutter Gap. When you first came home
you didn't know any of us, but as you spent time with
us you began to remember."

"Everything you saw was a little clue, a small piece
of the puzzle. Christy you have to give yourself time
for that to happen here. You remembered your father
first, and I had a feeling it would happen that way.
The two of you are very close. Give Julia and George
some time. It will happen, I promise."

"It doesn't make it any easier."

"I know, but that's what I'm here for."

Looking down at Neil through a haze of tears I knew
that it would be okay. Neil was right; everything
would be okay. I had remembered my father; surely my
mother would be next. Drying my tears with the
handkerchief he offered I suddenly realized that his
shirt was only half buttoned. In the crook of the V I
could see a smattering of curls, the same reddish
color as his hair, against the pale skin of his
muscled chest. Of its own accord my hand reached out
to feel the coarse curls that were peeking out of the
unbuttoned shirt.

Oh my.

Grasping my hand in his own Neil brought it up to his
lips. Getting to his feet he pulled me up with him,
placing his hand to my face, caressing my cheek with
his thumb. Lowering his face Neil laid claim to my
lips, his one hand never leaving my face. Backing me
up a few steps I felt myself getting lost in his kiss,
the sensations, the love filling every cell in my
body.

Suddenly it was over. Opening my eyes I saw that I
was standing in the hallway. Backing away from me
Neil smiled shakily; his breath ragged as though he'd
been running, and started to close the door.
"Goodnight Lass."

Watching the door closing I was dumbfounded. What had
just happened here? One minute we were kissing and
the next I'm alone in the hallway, pulse racing,
breath ragged, feeling as though my skin were on fire.
How could he do this to me? Staring at the door I
heard the click of the latch and lock just before I
heard a thud, as though someone had leaned back
against it. It was then that I realized that what had
just happened had been hard for him to do, as hard as
it was to have happen to me.

I wasn't sure exactly what had happened or why he had
done it but I knew better than to go in. I didn't
think I could handle anything else right now, not with
these emotions and feeling running through my body. I
needed to sort them out before I could do anything
else. Touching my hand to the door I whispered a
goodnight before moving off to my own bedroom, my
heart as jumbled as my head and my body feeling as
though it were on fire.

I knew I wouldn't sleep tonight.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Fifteen


This morning I had woken to the sound of little
pebbles hitting my bedroom window. Getting out of bed
I looked out and saw George motioning for me to join
him. Curious I had dressed and made my way down the
stairs and out the back door into the yard. In my
haste I had forgotten a shawl, which is why I am
shivering in the early morning autumn air.

"Over here," George smiled. "I want to show you
something."

Leading me to the far corner of the yard he climbed up
a wooden ladder into the small tree house I had
noticed when we arrived. Following him, a little
difficult to do in a skirt, I felt as though I had
been transported to an entirely different time. The
walls of the little tree house were painted with
castles and dragons, moats and knights. It was
amazing!

"You built this for all the kids in the neighborhood
back when we were young. Every Saturday afternoon we
would gather in here and you would tell us stories
about the pictures you had drawn. My favorite one was
the story of the Little Yellow Dragon and the Wicked
Hoptoad that had stolen his voice. You were always
coming up with little stories to tell us."

And suddenly, as though someone had taken a blindfold
off of my eyes, I remembered all those afternoons,
sitting up here with all the little boys and girls,
telling stories and sharing tales until our mothers
would begin to call us in for the evening meal.
George and I were always the last ones to leave.
Looking across the small tree house at the young man I
smiled. "I remember, George."

Holding out my hand he took it, pulling me into a
tight hug for a few moments. "I'm so glad, Sis. I
thought I'd lost you for sure when we heard about that
train crash."

Train crash?

Sitting back I stared at him in confusion. "George,
what are you talking about?"

Now it was he who looked confused. "The train crash,
when we all thought you were dead for over a year only
to find out that you had amnesia." A light dawned I
his eyes suddenly and he growled a small curse under
his breath. "You don't remember, do you? I should
have never opened my mouth! Of all the stupid things
to do."

"No, please... George, tell me what happened. I need to
know." He shook his head, his mouth clamped shut.
George would say no more. "All right. Just do me a
favor please. Don't tell anyone that you told me. If
they think I know they'll think I know all of it and
the truth is that I don't. I don't want to get their
hopes up until I remember all of it."

Nodding he led the way down to the ground and we
entered the house in time for breakfast. The meal was
almost finished when Julia announced that we needed to
go shopping again for a dress since we hadn't found
one the last time. I looked to Miss Alice but she
gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head. She
wouldn't be joining us today. I was going to spend
the whole day alone with Julia. My mind kept
replaying the words I'd heard last night and I prayed
for the strength to make it through the day.

We were heading out the door when Neil pulled me aside
for a moment. Placing an encouraging kiss on my cheek
he whispered, "You'll be fine; try not to look so
scared, Lass. Just get to know her for who she is as
a woman."

Nodding I took a deep breath and smiled at him before
joining Julia at the gate by the end of the walkway.
Smiling at her we were off for another dress shop on
the other side of town. The walk there was relatively
silent. We tried to make idle chit chat for a while
but everything she mentioned I didn't remember so we
fell silent. Walking side by side I tried to think of
something we could both talk about a topic we would
both know. Before I could think of one I glanced over
and saw that she was looking at something that was
ahead of us.

Following her line of sight I saw a young mother
holding the hand of her little girl, both mother and
daughter laughing at their own private joke. It was a
sight that would warm anyone's heart, one of love and
laughter, peace and joy. One day I hoped that would
be me, with my daughter and that we would have a life
filled with that sort of love for each other. Looking
back at Julia I was shocked to see a tear resting on
the brim of her eye and I felt as though I had seen a
whole other side to the prim and proper woman I'd
begun my walk with.

This woman was more than just a woman of society, she
was more than a wife to a man I knew to be my father,
and more than a hostess to my friends and I. She was
a mother. Even if I couldn't recall her as being my
mother I could tell that she was, first and foremost,
a loving mother. One who's daughter had returned from
the dead but held no love for her own mother in her
heart. From the bottom of my heart I felt a love
surge forth. I still could not remember Julia as my
mother but I felt a love, an awe and respect for the
unselfish love she was showing for me.

Not once had she said a harsh word to me. Never had
she openly asked if I remembered her. At no time had
she given one indication of how much my lack of memory
hurt her. From the moment I met this woman she had
offered me the love that I saw reflected in her one
tear. She had never asked for anything in return,
only hoping that perhaps I would remember the days we
had spent together as mother and daughter, the pair
ahead of us a vivid and painful reminder to her of
what was not.

I looked at her with a sense of astonishment, esteem
for all that she had suffered in silence filled my
heart, replacing the nervousness, the fear at being
alone with someone I barely knew. Suddenly, walking
down the sidewalk of a busy street I realized that I
wanted to know this woman. I wanted so very
desperately to remember the times we had spent
together, the love she had for me and the love I had
for her. This, above all else, was what I wanted.

"Please," grasping her arm to stop her from walking on
ahead of me. "I... I want to tell you something."

Julia stopped and smiled at me, a forced sad smile but
her attempt was brave.

"I wish, I wish very much that I could tell you that I
remember all those years we spent as a family. But
the truth is that I don't, at least not yet. However
I want you to know something." Taking her hands into
mine I met her eyes, hoping that the newfound respect,
esteem, and love would shine through all of my doubts
and fears. "I do love you, very much. And I am glad,
beyond words, at knowing that there is a woman who is
as strong and loving as you are that can love me as a
daughter despite all the pain I have caused. One day
I will remember all the times we spent together but
first and foremost I will always remember this moment,
right now, when I realized how much I love you and how
very much want you in my life."

What had been a single tear in one eye became many
filling both before my own stinging ones. I meant
what I said and until I remembered my years with my
mother I would love this woman for all that I had seen
only a few moments ago. Removing one of her hands
from mine she placed a dainty glove to my face, her
trembling smile no longer sad but filled with hope and
love that shone forth so brightly I prayed that my
words would prove true with the speed of a lighting
bolt.

"Well," she said with a deep breath, her hand wiping
away the tears that had fallen. "We had better be
going. The dress shop is still three blocks away."

Walking side by side once more I reached out to take
her hand in mine, our hands joined as a mother and
daughter's should. When we reached the dress shop I
stopped dead still and stared at the dress in the
window. The simple skirt fell to the floor in a
shower of lace and satin, pearl drops shimmering in
the light as they dotted the lace in all the right
spots. An empire waist and long flowing sleeves
finished it off with just the right touches. It was
perfect!

Going inside we asked to see that one and when I tried
it on I felt as though I were truly floating on a
cloud. This was my wedding dress. It was simple yet
fashionable, a perfect blend of both worlds.
Smoothing my hands over the skirt, staring at the
mirror I met Julia's eyes in the reflection and we
both smiled. This was the dress I would marry Neil
in. This was the first dress I would wear as Mrs.
Neil MacNeill.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


That night we were sitting at the dinner table, the
entire group, enjoying the meal when Julia broached a
topic that would lead to much more than she had ever
intended.

"When do you think you shall be returning to your
Cove, Neil?"

We glanced at each other for a moment Neil answered.
"I doubt we can stay any longer than the week, Julia.
I must return to my patients, Christy to her school,
and Alice to the mission work. As much as we would
all like to stay longer it simply cannot be."

She smiled at him. "I was speaking with a friend of
the family, Peter Rimball, and he asked if I could
introduce the two of you. He was hoping to meet the
man who saved William's life."

When she said the man's name I watched a look of
wariness come over my fathers face and I wondered at
it. Who was this Mr. Rimball? Why did my father give
a look like that one when she mentioned him?

"I don't think Neil is going to have the time, this
visit, dear. Perhaps next time," he said to her, his
eyes connecting with hers, sending a message I
couldn't quite understand.

"Nonsense, William, there's still a whole day before
the wedding. Neil has his suit thanks to your trip to
the tailor's this afternoon and the ceremony and
dinner are all planned. I think it would be all right
if they met tomorrow for a small talk."

Her eyes were sending a message to him as well and a
feeling of distinct uneasiness settled in my bones.
Something was going on here and it didn't feel right.
"Who is Mr. Rimball?" I asked when silence had
reigned. "Is he someone I knew from before?"

"No dear, you've never met him," Julia answered, her
tone making it clear that the discussion was over.

My father had other ideas. "He's a doctor that's
recently moved into town. His office's are down on
Elm Street and he's looking for a partner."

That was the real reason she had brought it up, I cold
tell from the look in her eyes. She was trying to
find a way to keep me here, in Asheville. "Every
time!" I groaned, putting my fork down on the table.
Looking to the end of the table I met her eyes.
"Every time you try to do something that will keep me
in Asheville! Why can't you simply understand that my
home is in Cutter Gap? I'm not meant to stay in
Asheville, Mother, and I don't appreciate all the
attempts at keeping me here when you know that my
heart is in the mountains with my children."

No sooner had the words left my mouth than I wished I
could take them back. Once again I had let my
emotions speak before I gave consideration to the
effect my words would have on her. Excusing herself
Julia left the dining room. Hanging my head for a
moment I knew I had hurt her, the progress of this
morning thrown out the window by my one comment.
Excusing myself I left the quiet room and went in
search of her, knowing I had to set things right
between us.

A few moments later I found her sitting in the parlor,
a handkerchief twisted in her hands and a pained look
in her eyes. Standing in the doorway I realized that
this was not the first time I had gone after her to
make amends for my runaway tongue. This was not the
first time I had defended my home in Asheville to her.
Staring at the woman sitting in the parlor I realized
that the love I had suddenly felt for her on the
street this morning was not simply because I respect
her as a woman. I loved this woman because she was my
mother. Crossing the distance between us I knelt
before her.

"Mother..."

Looking down at me, her eyes red with unshed tears, I
heard a small gasp escape her lips and saw the
realization dawn in her eyes. With one word she was
undone. Tears spilled forth as she wrapped her arms
around me, hugging me, her daughter, tightly to her
breast. The tears that spilled forth were tears of
joy, a mother and daughter truly united after too long
a separation. Releasing me after some time she wiped
away her tears and gave a small laugh.

"Look at me, I must be a mess."

"You look beautiful," I smiled at her. "I'm sorry I
spoke so harshly, I had no right. You were only
trying to help."

"No, you were right. I do try to keep you here in
Asheville with me. I miss my little girl, you live so
far away and after everything that's happened I was
afraid that I would never see you again once you left
with Neil."

"Oh Mother, I'll never leave you forever. Even if
we're not in the same city I will always carry you in
my heart. You're my mother, I love you."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Sixteen




Fire.

Burning flames that licked at my skin. I ran as far
and as fast as I could but there was snow everywhere.
Every step I took I slid back and had to take it
again. The fire kept dragging me towards it, trying
to force me into the flames along with everything else
it was consuming. I kept running, with all my might I
tried to get away, fighting the fire to escape its
heat. Running, falling, running again I fought to get
away.

Finally I won; I was safe at the edge of the forest,
away from the fire and flames. Turning back I looked
to see the people staring at me as they stood within
the flames, their bodies on fire but they took no
note, each one staring at me as I stood at a distance.
From my spot at the forest edge I looked to see what
looked like a snake, twisted and circling, its head
smashed against a large sheet of ice, its body twisted
into a winding 'S' shape as the fire burned it. But I
knew it wasn't a snake, it was something else.

Watching the fire burn I heard the scream of a hawk as
it flew overhead. One scream turned into two, those
two into four and those four into eight. Each scream
multiplying until it echoed in my head like a
never-ending noise, splitting my head in two from the
pain. It hurt, my head hurt so much. Cradling it in
my hands I pulled them back to see them coated with my
blood, sticky and red, bright red against the paleness
of my skin. Flakes of snow fell onto my hands only to
turn crimson, disappearing into the blood.

Disgusted, head still pounding, I looked back towards
the fire and I saw the people reaching out to me,
begging for my help as the hawks screamed overhead.
There was nothing I could do. They were so far away,
my head hurt so much, the fire was too hot; there was
nothing I could do, no way I could help them. As I
stood there watching them I could smell the stench of
the fire as it burned their skin, their hair, their
clothes along with everything else.

Suddenly the fire exploded with a brilliant flash.
Stumbling back I closed my eyes against the brightness
and the heat. I heard the people calling to me, the
hawks screaming over their cries and I screamed as
well, the pain in my head becoming unbearable. Make
it stop! Make the pain stop! But it wouldn't stop.
Another explosion forced me to step back, a third
knocking me off my feet and I fell into the snow, my
blood melting the white crystals where it dropped from
my head. I knew I needed to open my eyes, I knew I
needed to look at hat had happened but I couldn't.

'It's all right, Lass.' I heard him calling to me,
his voice echoing in my mind and my heart. 'It's okay
to look, it's okay to remember.'

I knew he was right. It was time for me to open my
eyes and look at what was before me. The time had
come for me to face the things that were calling out
to me. I couldn't avoid them any longer. The time
had come. Mustering my strength I turned my face to
the heat and tried to open my eyes. When I opened
them I saw that I had been right.

It wasn't a snake... it was a train.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Someone was shaking me.

My throat was raw, sore. Had I screamed? Opening my
eyes I saw Miss Alice bent over me, her hands grasping
my shoulders as she shook me to wake me from my
nightmare. But there was no waking from this
nightmare.

I remembered.

I remembered everything.

A sob strangled me; I couldn't breathe. Gasping for
air I fought to get out of the bed, out from under the
covers. I needed... I needed... Standing at the edge of
the bed I stopped and stared at Miss Alice, her wide
eyes filled with worry and fear. I needed Neil.

"Where's Neil?" I whispered frantically. "I need
Neil."

"Asleep like everyone else no doubt. Thee woke me
with thy cries. Was thee having another nightmare?""

No. Yes. I didn't know. Was it a nightmare? Yes,
but it was a living one. I needed Neil. Crossing to
the door, forgetting a robe, forgetting everything but
finding Neil, I opened it to find four people gathered
in the hallway, each one startled when I flung open
the door. It was the tallest of the four that I
needed most. Crossing the hallway I threw myself into
his arms, my sobs beginning anew at the images playing
themselves out in my mind.

Neil's arms tightened around me and he leaned his head
down to rest on mine, his soft voice offering me
soothing words as he tried to comfort my tears, though
he had no idea their cause. I couldn't speak; I
couldn't breath. I couldn't stop seeing the people in
my mind, hearing their cries, seeing the flames,
smelling their stench. My tears fell in a torrential
downpour, the comfort of Neil's voice and the strength
of his arms were no match for the memories, the images
that were forever burned into my mind.

My family and Miss Alice watched on in silence, their
fear and worry plainly written on their faces yet I
barely registered their presence as Neil lifted me,
carrying me back to the bed I had fought to get out
of. Sitting me down on it I refused to let go of him
as he tried to help me lie down. His hands caressed
my back and my hair, his soft whispers and soothing
words slowly drifted their way into my mind and heart
and I was calmed. Though I refused to let go, my grip
as strong as the fear the pulsed through my veins, I
did raise my head from his shoulder and meet his eyes.

There I saw worry, fear, concern and love all swirling
together in a frenzy of emotions that filled his blue
eyes. "Lass, what is it? What scared you?"

"We crashed," I whispered in a shaky voice.

I needed to get it out; I needed to tell them what I
saw in my mind, the images, and the memories that had
haunted my dreams since the day I had woken up.
Neil's eyes widened for a moment before he closed
them. Pulling me close he whispered for me to tell
him what had happened.

"The train was jerking. I could hear wood splintering
and the brakes squealing. A woman looked out the
window and she screamed. Everyone was thrown out of
their seats and onto the floor. I stood up but
something hit me from behind and I fell to the floor
again. My head hurt so much! Everyone was screaming
when the train began to roll over, we were tossed
around like ragdolls before it finally stopped."

"The window had shattered so I climbed out of the
train. It hurt so much but I knew I needed to see
what had happened. The train was a wreck, it was all
over the place and there was a fire somewhere I could
smell the smoke. But I also smelled the gasoline; I
could see it spreading over the snow. But the fire
was heading toward the large tanks of gasoline and I
knew they were going to explode."

"I could hear all the people screaming. They were
trapped and hurt but there was nothing I could do, the
fire, it going to explode. So I ran, I ran towards
the woods, there was a forest. I was already there
when the tanks exploded, one after another. The
screams stopped, I couldn't hear them anymore.
Everyone was dead except me. It was snowing and I
knew I needed to find shelter so I kept walking. I
fell but I kept going until I couldn't get up again.
I thought... I thought I was going to die."

All while I told my story Neil held me close, his arms
never wavering in their strength. I stopped several
times, my voice barely above a whisper, as my tears
choked me; the images burned into my mind, seeing them
each time I blinked. Finally I stopped, the
nightmare's tale complete. They already knew the
rest, how Jira and her family had taken me in and I
eventually came back to Cutter Gap.

Huddled within the safety of Neil's arms I saw Miss
Alice with her hand over her mouth, eyes filled with
tears. Her other arm was wrapped around her shoulders
for comfort as she had listened to my story. George
stood next to her, his hands jammed into his pockets,
eyes wide and a little shiny. Blinking rapidly to
stop his tears he turned his face away but not before
I saw the first one fall. My mother and father were
holding each other tightly, their arms around each
other for support and comfort much the way Neil and I
held onto each other.

They had all heard my story.

Looking up at Neil I saw him staring down at me, tears
shining unshed in his eyes. Those blue orbs I loved
so much were filled with pain and sorrow and yet at
the same time love and joy. I had finally remembered.
Memories that had eluded me, ones that I had prayed
and wished for were finally revealed as though I had
known them all the while. How could I have forgotten
all those things that I held so dear? But I didn't
care. All that mattered was that I had remembered; I
was here now, with my friends, my family and the man
that I loved with all my heart.

Dropping my head back onto his shoulder I sat there
with Neil even after the other four had moved away.
The room was lit only by one candle; its light casting
shadows everywhere. It would be a long while until I
would be able to see a flame and not remember the one
I had escaped from. Yet it was also a reminder to me.
Life had tried to knock me down but I had faced its
challenge and won.

I was alive.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Once more I was standing before a mirror, smoothing
the skirt of my wedding dress. My hair was curled and
left loose to hang, the way Neil liked it, and I had
just the faintest hint of lip color on my lips. In
the mirror I saw my mothers reflection to my right and
Miss Alice's to my left. Both women, both of them a
mother to me, had tears in their eyes and shaky smiled
on their faces. Turning away from the mirror I
stepped down from the stepstool and stood before them,
a bride on her wedding day.

"How do I look?"

Mother came forward to me and gently kissed my cheek.
"You look beautiful. My daughter will be a married
woman now. You're no longer my little girl."

"I'll always be your little girl, mother," I told her
as I hugged her.

"But I am afraid there is one thing missing from thy
appearance today." Looking at Miss Alice I saw her
smile and pull a small piece of cloth from her pocket.
Opening it I saw my necklace, the one Neil had given
me. Lifting it from her hands she clasped it around
my neck, the pendant hanging in just the right spot,
as though it were designed to go with this dress.
"Now thee is ready."

Looking down at my necklace I looked back up to her.
"But this was broken."

"I had it fixed for thee so thee may wear it on thy
wedding day. It is after all a symbol of everything
thee have worked for these last two years."

I could feel the tears begin to sting at my eyes but I
banished them. There would be many opportunities to
cry but I didn't want now to be one of them.

"Miss Alice, I can never say everything I want to, to
let you know how much you mean to me. At a time when
I thought I had no mother you were the one who had
filled my heart with a mothers love. I am honored,
happy beyond words, to have you as my mother-in-law.
Now we can truly be a family."

Abandoning her control I watched as a tear slid out
from her eyes and down her cheek. Reaching out Miss
Alice drew me into a hug for a few moments before
there was a knock on the door. It was the organist
announcing that we would be starting in a few moments.
Wiping our tears and doing a final check my two
mothers left to take their seats and I had a few
moments alone. Turning back to the mirror I stared at
my reflection once more, not seeing myself so much as
my future.

With my mind eye I could see little red headed,
blue-eyed children clinging to my skirt and playing by
the fire as I worked to prepare our evening meal.
Neil would be home any minute after making his rounds
in the cove. School had gone well that day, the
children were making such fine progress, but now it
was time to concentrate on my own children. I was
putting the last of the vegetables that were needed
into the stew when the door opened and Neil strode in.
Tossing his saddlebags to the floor he picked up the
first of his children to reach him, a little girl.
All of them soon surrounded him as they played lions
and tigers in the main room.

"Girlie?"

Starting at the voice, pulled from my imagination, I
turned quickly to see my father watching me from the
doorway. Smiling at him I crossed the room and kissed
his cheek. "You look so handsome, Daddy."

His soft eyes met mine and he smiled back. "I was
just going to say the same for you. You look
beautiful." Hugging me for a moment he released me
and took my hand in his. "Let's go see if we can't
find Neil. Someone said they saw him this way," he
teased as he pulled me toward the main room.

Standing in the doorway, seeing all the friends and
family that were sitting in the chairs that filled my
parents house. I was glad we had opted to be married
from my childhood home, it was so much more intimate
than in the large churches of Asheville. Looking past
all the people that were gathered I saw Neil standing
next to the preacher at the other end of the room and
my heart skipped a beat. He was so handsome in his
suit with his hair brushed back. Thankfully he had
not slicked it back as I had thought he might. Those
sandy red curls that I loved so much were left free to
hang about in a slightly wild state, though they were
much more tame than usual.

Walking down the aisleway with my father we stopped a
few feet away from Neil and he walked out to join us,
to escort me the rest of the way there. Placing my
hand in Neil's Daddy leaned over to kiss my cheek. "I
love you Girlie," he whispered to me. Turning to face
Neil his face was serious. "You take care of my
little girlie or you'll answer to me Doctor."

"I promise," Neil answered with just as much
seriousness.

The two men shook hands with a smile and Daddy turned
to sit down next to my mother while Neil and I stood
before the preacher. I honestly don't remember much
of the ceremony, I spoke my part and Neil did his, but
other than that it's a blur. What I do remember is
the feel of Neil's hands covering mine, their rough
calluses scratching over my soft skin in an
ever-present reminder of his effect on my life. Neil
had shown me more than once that life in the mountains
was not soft and pretty, that it was hard work. Yet
he had also shown me the many rewards that came with
the hard work, the love, the laughter, the beauty and
the peace.

Suddenly I felt myself turning to face Neil, looking
up at him as he lowered his lips to mine in a soft
kiss that held the promise of so much more. His touch
was gentle but I could feel the passion, the love that
was held within it. When he pulled back his hand
reached up to wipe away a tear that had fallen from my
eye.

"I love you," we both whispered at the same time, our
hearts linked as one.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Seventeen



Lying under the covers of our bed, wrapped up in
Neil's arms, my mind traveled back in time to the
morning after our wedding.

We had stood on the steps of my childhood home saying
goodbye to the family I had only recently remembered.
My mother had opted to say goodbye in the house so
that she wouldn't make a scene in public. George had
already left, needing to get back to school, and Daddy
stood next to mother as we walked away. I had stopped
to look back and wave before I had to get into the
carriage they had hired to take us to the train
station.

Once there I had stopped still, unable to move. After
many minutes of talking, comforting, cajoling,
soothing, promising, Neil finally convinced me to get
on the train. The ride seemed to go on forever as I
sat in my seat, rigid as a board, jumping at every
squeal of the brakes and lurch of the train. Shaking
like a leaf in a storm I clung to Neil who sat beside
me while Miss Alice tried to read comforting passages
to me from her bible. When the train finally stopped
in El Pano I was the first one off, thanking God that
it was over.

from that moment on it had been happy times for my
married life. We had returned to the cove and found a
cabin filled with gifts from the people of Cutter Gap.
None had a name attached to them but many we
recognized. A beautiful quilt from Fairlight, a
portrait of us, very lifelike, from Becky O'Teale, a
pair of pillows with our initials stitched on them
from Opal. But there was one that we couldn't place.
A silver picture frame that was just the right size to
hold the picture of Neil and I, which had been a gift
from my parents. We later found out that it had been
a gift from Miss Alice. She had raced on ahead to the
cabin while we had been caught by well-wishers in El
Pano.

That Sunday, our first as a married couple, the cove
had given us a celebration after service. Music,
dancing, food and fun had ruled the cove that day as
everyone celebrated not only our marriage but also the
return of all my memories. Life had quickly turned to
normal in the cove; people working hard, Neil
doctoring the cove with Dan Scott, and me teaching at
the school.

Winter and Spring had both come and gone and now
Summer was here with a vengeance. I knew I needed to
get breakfast ready before Neil needed to leave but
first there was something I needed to do. Rolling
over so I was facing him I poked and prodded him
annoyingly until he finally cracked open one of his
eyes to glare at me. Seeing the smile on my face he
raised one eyebrow in confusion.

"We need to talk."

"All right," sitting up against the headboard
struggling not to yawn. "Let's talk."

Climbing into his lap, trying not to laugh aloud with
the sheer joy that was coursing through my veins, I
took his hand in mine, toying with his fingers.

"I love you."

Neil smiled at me. "I love you too. Now what did you
want to talk about?"

"I love you."

With a small laugh he kissed the tip of my nose. "I'm
glad to hear that, but what did you wake me up?"

"I love you."

Neil sighed. "I'll never get tired of hearing that,
Lass, but why did you wake me up?" I opened my mouth
but he but me off. "And if you say you love me one
more time I'll kick you out of this bed."

I saw the laughter in his eyes, the teasing
seriousness I his voice, and decided to grant his
order.

"We love you."

Opening his mouth to say something he stopped suddenly
as the words sank in. Taking the hand I held in my
own I placed it over my stomach, repeating the last
words I had spoken. All at once I saw the laughter
flee his eyes, replaced by wonder, awe, love, joy and
many other emotions I couldn't describe.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. "It should have been here three weeks ago.
I'm pregnant."

After another moment of shocked silence Neil laughed
and pulled me to him, his arms crushing me against his
chest. Excitement reigned as we spoke about names and
additions to the cabin, moving the bedroom downstairs
so it would be easier for me. All through breakfast
we talked and planned and once the dishes were done
Neil declared that we were going to the mission to
phone my family.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


"Hello? Daddy? I'm going to have a baby!"

Standing at the mission phone I relayed the good news
and soon I had spoken to my mother and my father, both
thrilled beyond words. Handing the phone to Neil I
whispered that mother wanted to talk to him, no doubt
to make sure I would be well cared for. As he took
the receiver I saw Miss Alice enter the mission from
her morning walk. Running over to her I enveloped the
dear woman in my arms.

"Miss Alice! I'm going to have a baby!"

Shocked for a moment she soon smiled, laughing with me
as I told her everything. She would be a grandmother,
I would be a mother, and Neil would be a father. As
Neil hung up the phone he came over to us, shaking his
head. No doubt mother had talked his ear off with
warnings and orders, what to do and what not to do.
But I was too excited to feel bad for him. This day
could get no better.

No sooner had I thought that thought I heard a
familiar voice calling out from the mission yard and I
saw a secret smile play over Miss Alice's face.
Curious I went outdoors to see hard cover wagons and
horses filling the mission yard. A woman was walking
towards me and my feet began to move before my brain
had registered who she was.

"Jira!" I cried.

Running towards each other, sister reunited after too
long a separation, we hugged each other tightly and I
could feel tears brimming in my eyes. I had missed my
dear friend so much these last few seasons. There was
so much to share! Breaking away from Jira I saw the
rest of the family approaching and I greeted each one
of them with love. Only once I had reunited with each
of them did I go back to Jira, pulling her along with
me to meet my other family.

"Jira, this is my husband, Neil."

Jira looked at me with a bright smile on her face.
"You found him at last!" she cried.

"I remember everything, Jira, all of my memories have
returned to me."

"You must tell me everything, I want to know the life
my sister has led."

That night the cove celebrated again, this time my
second family was there with us to dance and sing,
dine and rejoice. My life was good and while I knew
there were hard days ahead I was content to know that
I would pull through them with my families by my side.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Epilogue



That winter Jira and her family camped in the cove,
building an addition to the mission house of their
own, and in the spring, just before they left to
travel, Jira was with me to sing our song as my first
child was born. Charles William MacNeill was the
first of our three children. He was an older brother
to his brother, Duncan Neil MacNeill, and his sister,
Julia Alice MacNeill. Each of our children were as I
had seen the day of our wedding, red haired, blue
eyed, pale skinned little children with fiery tempers,
intelligent souls, and loving hearts.

Charlie grew up to follow in his father's footsteps,
taking over the practice in the cove once he had
finished medical college. He married a woman, Jancy
McBride, who was also attending medical college and
they practiced in the cove side by side, eventually
opening a clinic in El Pano.

Duncan decided to follow his grandfather's path and he
became a lawyer. After college he was invited to
practice in my fathers firm and became well known for
his charity cases, helping those who could not afford
to pay him very much. He too married; a woman named
Cynthia that he loved very much.

Our only daughter, Julia, was too like her mother for
her own good. No sooner than she could walk and talk
than she was teaching other children to do the same.
When she returned to the cove from a year of college
she took over teaching the next generation of children
in the cove. After many years she felt the call to go
out west, where teachers were sorely needed. It was
out there that she found her husband, a cowboy named
Richard Duggen, and they happily married three years
later.

My other children, the children of the cove, also grew
up and moved on with their lives.

Bessie and John married, they own a prospering honey
business now, the tricks of the trade John had learned
from his father along with an earnest desire to work
hard had helped them build and grow their business to
support their family of six.

Rob Allen now runs the Allen mill. He had gone off to
college for a few years and when he had returned he
revolutionized the business. His passion was still
writing and he had a book published a few years ago.
The story of Bonnie Prince Charlie. Rob had married a
young woman he met at college. She had grown up in
the west and knew what a life of hard work was. She
fit in well in the cove. They too had a family, four
little children that they called their kin.

Mountie, quiet, shy little Mountie shocked everyone
when she left the cove quite suddenly. A few years
after she had left though she returned. She never
spoke of where she had gone until one day she confided
in me over a cup of tea. Mountie had gone to the big
city of New York to see Lady Liberty like she had read
about in one of the newspapers. While there she had
taken a job and lived on her own but every day the
mountains called to her until she decided to return
home. Mountie had seen the outside world and decided
she like her mountains much better. She became the
teacher at the mission school when Julia left for the
West and continued to teach there to the day it
closed.

Many of my children have moved away, gotten married,
found good jobs in the city, and continued on with
their lives but they will always remain in my heart as
my children no matter where they go or what they do.

My heart will always remember.



The End


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*