Vagrant Story: The Final Insult
By Kingdom of Deke
Summary: Put simply, it's a parody of the wonderful Vagrant Story, where nothing is as it seems and everyone suffers from a marked lowering of intelligence. Hope y'all enjoy it!
Reviews please!
Chapter 1: Ineptness is a Riskbreaker's best friend
Scene: Duke Bardorba's Manor.
Inside the manor the Captain of the Knights of the Cross, Romeo Guildenstern, can be seen in a heated discussion with one of the Mullenkamp cultists.
Cultist: And I say that the woman in 'The Crying Game' was actually a man!
Guildenstern: LIES!
Guildenstern runs the cultist through with his sword. As he retrieves the blade from the corpse a Crimson Blade walks into the room.
Crimson Blade: Sir?
Guildenstern: What is it? Have you found Sydney?
Crimson Blade: No sir. We've searched everywhere but have found no sign of him.
Guildenstern: Have you checked downstairs?
Crimson Blade (very much confused): Down…stairs?
Guildenstern: Oh for god's…report to Neesa at once!
Crimson Blade: Yes sir!
The Crimson Blade salutes and runs out the door. Guildenstern shakes his head and sheathes his blade as he walks over to the window. He looks down at the Blades as they put out the fires and slaughter the Mullenkamp cultists, some simultaneously.
Guildenstern: You're in here somewhere Sydney. Sooner or later, I will find you.
Sydney (very faint, as if from a great distance): No you won't.
Guildenstern (slightly bemused): Yes I will.
Sydney: D'oh…
*****
Meanwhile, just outside the manor's entrance…
Hardin: Alright, let's show them we mean business! Set fire to the buildings and kill the hostages!
Cultist #1 (horrified): Even the chickens?!
Hardin (very darkly): Especially the chickens…
Hardin re-enters the manor.
Cultist #2: He hasn't been the same since the whole 'Pin the Tail on the Chicken' incident at last year's picnic.
Cultist #1: Mmm-hmm.
Cut to a man outside the walls of the manor. He is running towards the open gate at a fantastic lick, the reasons for this being that he had a mission to complete and the more important fact being that he was being chased by famished squirrels intent on devouring his nut scented parachute pants. His name is Ashley Riot, he is a Riskbreaker and is currently wishing that he hadn't let Merlose try out her new 'Fragrance of Nature' perfume on him.
Ashley: C'mon, c'mon…almost there…
From his viewpoint we can see a cultist suddenly pop into view within the gate. He is looking at the log jammed into the spokes of the gate wheel.
Cultist: Who put this here?
The cultist draws his sword and slices the log in two. The gate slams closed just as Ashley reaches the point where he can't stop in time.
Ashley: Oh shi-
DONNNGGG!
Ashley black out momentarily and wakes up just in time to see the squirrels gathered around him.
Squirrel: Dinnertime!
*****
A few minutes later inside the manor walls…
Cultist #2 (picks up a chicken): You know, I don't think I'll ever get used to this.
CRACK!
Cultist #1: Look at it this way, we'll never be short of chicken nuggets ever again.
The cultists are startled form their chicken murdering duties by a worn out Ashley clambering over the wall and falling to the ground.
Cultists 1 and 2: An intruder!
The cultists rush Ashley but are quickly disposed of when Cultist #1 is jabbed in the eyes by Ashley's ludicrously hairstyle. Swinging his sword blindly, he decapitates Cultist #2 before tripping and falling onto his comrade's blade.
Ashley: Ha! Let that be a lesson to you…uh, corpses. Never challenge a Riskbreaker!
Ashley walks over to the manor's entrance, allowing the camera to see him from behind. At this angle we can see that the arse of his trousers has been eaten away, revealing his bare ass.
Ashley: Man, it's cold out here…
*****
A few minutes later…
Ashley is walking toward the double doors to the main hall when he hears voices behind it. Finding a safe hiding place he listens in.
Sydney: I don't care if it's the final episode of Friends, we're not leaving until we find the key! Now GO!
The doors burst open and two cultists lurch out, mumbling various obscenities. Ashley waits until they are gone, then sneaks up to the doors and peeks through the crack.
Sydney: Damn the Duke! Where did he hide it?
Hardin: We've been through this blasted mansion a dozen times and we still find naught. I think we have to accept that the key is not here!
Sydney: Quiet you! You're just antsy because of the presence of the Duke's prizewinning chickens.
Ashley notes the anguished look on Hardin's face.
Hardin: Well, what of the Blades? Dimwitted though they may be, they can still overpower us in terms of strength. We must leave now or face their wrath!
Sydney considers this.
Sydney (sighing): Very well. Give the order to retreat, then fetch the Duke's son. I will be with you shortly.
Hardin nods before exiting via a side door. Ashley waits until Sydney turns his back to the doors before making his move. He dashes into the room and aims the crossbow (where the hell was he keeping it?!) at Sydney.
Ashley: SYDNEY!
Sydney stops reaching for his sword.
Ashley: Turn 'round slowly. I've got a crossbow aimed at your heart so no funny business!
Sydney turns around slowly to face Ashley. His expression of total boredom turns to light amusement when he lays eyes firstly on the fashion nightmare in front of him and secondly on the crossbow.
Sydney: What are you planning to do? Beat me senseless with your ammo-less weapon?
Ashley: Huh?
He looks at the crossbow and is horrified to realize that he had forgotten to load it…again.
Ashley (woefully trying deception): There is TOO a crossbow bolt in here!
Sydney (still amused): Really? Odd then, that I see nothing.
Ashley (puts on a spooky voice): It's an illuuuuuusion!
Sydney (losing patience): No it's not!
At this point Hardin re-enters the room with Joshua Bardorba under his arm. He spots Ashley.
Hardin: Who's the dork?
Sydney: No-one you need to be worried about at the moment. (Looks up towards the skylight) D'TOK!!
Answering the summons a Wyvern crashes through the skylight and lands clumsily between Ashley and the cultists. To be blunt, he's seen better days.
D'tok: RROOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRR…URK!
D'tok keels over and dies due to the many wounds inflicted on him earlier by the Crimson Blades. Sydney looks pissed off.
Sydney: Damn it…come Hardin! We fly now to (says the last two words loud enough for Ashley to hear) LEA MONDE!
Hardin: My god! We really fly to (says it just as loud) LEA MONDE!
Sydney: Indeed. (to Ashley) Farewell Riskbreaker, I go now to a better place. That place being LEA MONDE!
Sydney, Hardin and Joshua crash through the giant stained glass window on the other side of the room. Ashley puts the crossbow back wherever he was keeping it and proceeds to walk to the gaping hole. When he's reached it he is confronted by the rising sun but no lunatic cultists. He looks down at the ground but is equally luckless in finding them. A flock of pigeons fly by.
Ashley: Damn! If only I knew where they were going…
Suddenly one of the pigeons lands near him.
Pigeon (pointing at a piece of paper at Ashley's feet): Clue! Clue!
Ashley takes stock of this and spies the paper.
Ashley: My god, a clue! Thank you Mr. Pigeon! I'd kiss you if you weren't…oh, what the hell!
Ashley picks up the pigeon and gives him an almighty kiss. When he is put down again, the pigeon stumbles around for a few moments before keeling over stone dead.
Ashley: Why is that always happening to me?
Ashley picks up the paper and unfolds it. On it is written two words: Lea Monde.
Ashley: Lea Monde…
At this point another flock of pigeons flies by. One of them notices the first pigeon's corpse.
Pigeon (anguished): RALPH!
The other pigeons take notice, as does Ashley.
Pigeon: He killed my husband!
Another Pigeon: GET HIM!
The entire flock rushes toward Ashley.
Ashley: Whoa, just like in '82 man!
To Be Continued…