Slip Of Mind, by Trisha H.
Chapter 7
Rating: R to be safe. I don't really know.
Distribution: Whoever wants it. Just email me and ask.
Feedback: PLEASE! Dragolyn@hotmail.com
Author's Note: This is set right after Dead Things, remember, it's not suppose to be a fluffy fic. They're still working things out. This is the last chapter, but there will be a sequel starting next week. Thanks again for all the feedback.
Thanks to Isabelle, Sass Angel and Cammila for helping me with some rough spots in this chapter. I appreciate it! (
***************
"So, you're just going to let them go, then?" Giles sounded irritated. "Are you certain that's the thing to do?"
Buffy twisted the spiraling phone cord around her thumb. She could hear him fumbling over the receiver- probably cleaning his glasses, she thought. Laying back on her bed, she closed her eyes and smiled. Every time she spoke to Giles on the phone, she couldn't help imagining the thousands of miles of land and ocean that separated him from being with her. But once in a while, he'd do something or say something that would remind her of the past, and suddenly it was as if he was sitting beside her. Cleaning his glasses was one of those things. She pictured him giving them a final, unnecessary wipe and resituating them on the bridge of his nose before she responded.
"If Spike gets to be Spike again, then yeah, it's the thing. I'm waiting for him to wake up right now."
"Isn't that a little… well, morally ambiguous?" he said delicately.
She sighed. "I dunno. Yeah, it is, I guess. Maybe a lot morally ambiguous. But I'm going to give Jonathan enough money so that he and Andrew can leave Warren behind, so they wont be bullied by him anymore. And then I'm going to make sure they all go somewhere they'll be… um… taken care of."
"Taken care of? How so?"
Buffy grinned and rolled over onto her stomach. Leaning on her elbows, she said, "I bought them three one-way bus tickets to LA. Non-refundable. And then I called Angel and let him know that they are on their way to his city."
"Ah," Giles said. "So, you're releasing them for, what? The length of the bus ride to LA?"
"And however long it takes for Angel to drive across town to their hotel, yes. He'll deal with Warren and keep a close eye or ten on the other two."
"So they wont go free. But you're still unhappy. I can hear it in your voice."
"I just… I don't feel very victorious. I wanted… revenge, I guess. I still feel like Warren won."
"Well, in a way, he did. Warren was backed into a corner with one weapon left to use, and he used it. He's human, not a demon, and he's been in love. He knew you'd choose Spike over retribution. In this case, love was your weakness, just as love was Warren's weakness in choosing Katrina as his first slave. Had he chosen someone he had no ties to, things might have worked out differently for him. He'd still be a criminal, but perhaps not a murderer. He saw the chink in your armor because it is a mirror of his own." Giles paused. Sounds rose in the background- a cupboard opening and closing. "That's why fighting a human can be so much more dangerous than fighting a demon. Only another human could know that you would choose love- only another human would trust that to be a greater motivation than justice."
"So… you think I did wrong? Is this where the lecture starts? The one on how I must also put my sacred duty first? 'Cause, I was thinking, maybe I could call you back tomorrow for that part. Or on Sunday, when the rates are cheaper."
"No, there's no lecture." He fell silent for a long minute. Buffy could hear the sound of liquid being poured in the background. Finally, he sighed and said, "Just because you're not the one who will be doing the punishing doesn't mean he's getting away with his crimes. Of course, that's assuming that he is able to recover Spike's… er… humanity ." He coughed, pointedly. "Spike… about that, Buffy…"
Buffy dropped her face into her comforter, stifling a groan. "I was wondering when you'd get to this part."
"Yes well, I've tried to avoid it, actually."
Frowning, she sat up. "I can actually hear you pacing, Giles. Is it really that bad?" Am I really that bad, she wanted to ask, but couldn't.
"I left you to make your own choices, Buffy. And you… well, you have. I can hardly sit here and judge you for them, now can I?"
"You're not exactly not judging when you use that tone of voice, you know. The librarian voice. The 'would you like a spot of tea to go with those crumpets' voice."
"I know."
When he left it at that, Buffy bit her lip. "Well?" she asked, disguising the fear in her voice with impatience. "Is that all you're going to say?"
"Do you… ahm. Do you love him? Truly?"
"That seems to be the question of the day. Weren't you just telling me that I do? That my love for him was my weakness?"
"There are many different kinds of love. Warren could have picked up on… friendship love. Or pity love. What I'm asking, Buffy, is are you in love with Spike?"
"I don't know. But honestly Giles, I think so. Otherwise Warren would be prison bait right now. But there's so much I'm not sure of… so much I don't understand. How I can feel like this for him, after everything he's done, everything he is? It's like… it's like I love one person and I hate the other, but they just happen to live in the same body."
Another long silence passed. Buffy held on to the receiver tightly, waiting him out. Eventually, he said, "Ultimately, it is you who must live with the consequences of your actions, not me. If you're asking for my stamp of approval on your relationship with Spike, I'm afraid I simply cannot give it to you. But… I will always give your happiness my blessing, Buffy. You know that. So, go and find it. Just be careful, you understand?"
"I'm… I'm understanding. In shock, yeah, but understanding."
"So then?"
"I still don't know what I'm going to do. Nothing, I guess, not until I figure out what my feelings are and what to do with them all."
"You'll do fine, Buffy. You always have," Giles said. She could almost feel the warmth of his reassuring smile across the phone line. "Now, go and make sure Warren isn't burning down your home. I'll phone you tomorrow and see how things went."
"Burning down my house? He better not be. On the other hand, I was just thinking about how "fire bad, tree pretty" sort of sums up how I'm feeling after the last few days. I've never been this tired, or this confused either. Maybe I need a vacation."
"Well, if you ever can get away, there's always England. I know of at least one group of decrepit old men who'd love to meet up with the Slayer again."
Wrinkling her nose, Buffy stood and moved towards the door. "You've got a weird definition of the word vacation, Giles. Anyways, I've gotta go check on the prisoners, give them their bread and water and stuff. We'll talk soon, okay?"
She stood up, preparing to tell Giles goodbye, when a knock came on her bedroom door. "Just a minute, Giles," she said, opening it.
Spike stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall, his hands buried deep inside the pockets of his duster. "Hello, cutie," he said in a strangled voice. He ducked his chin down in a futile attempt to conceal the wounds on his neck. "Got a minute?"
"Giles, I gotta go," she said, almost whispering with relief. She dropped the phone onto the base and motioned for Spike to come inside. "You're… you're you again."
"Appears so." Looking around her bedroom, Spike smirked. "Haven't been in here for a while, pet." He gestured to the bed. "Nice pig."
Ignoring Mr. Gordo, she examined Spike. "How do you feel?"
With a wry smile, he touched his fingertips to his chest. "Better than I did when you tried to kick my ribcage inside out. A little tough on me, weren't you? Even my bruises are whimpering."
"When the choice is hurting you or letting you hurt me, I choose hurting you," Buffy said, trying for a joke.
His face darkening, he nodded. "That's the way of it, then."
"Huh? What's going on? You look… stranger than normal. I guess that's okay though, what with coming out of mind control and all. Sorry I wasn't there when you woke up. I thought it would take him longer to fix you and I had plans to make."
"Yeah well, me too." Spike walked slowly closer until he stood toe to toe with her. "Should we get right to it then?"
"Right to what?" Buffy asked, stepping back warily. He looked so changed, not just from exhaustion and injury, but in the way he held his body. He looked… faded. "What's wrong with you?"
"Less than there was an hour ago," he said. He took a step closer, backing her against the wall. "Less than there'll be an hour from now." His eyes burned with intensity as he brought his face towards hers. He brushed his lips over her forehead and cheekbones and down her neck, inhaling her scent. "Maybe."
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. "You're starting to freak me out. Knock it off, or I'll knock it off for you," she said, raising her fist. "I don't want to hurt you. Please don't make me."
Her words struck into him harder than fists. Sinking onto the edge of the bed, Spike stared at her. "Buffy…" He held out his hand to her, knowing she wouldn't take it.
"What is it?" she said, frustrated. She ignored his hand, but sat beside him. "Did Warren screw you up? What did he do?"
"Yeah, pet, Warren screwed me up. He screwed me up and screwed me over," Spike muttered, too low for Buffy to hear the words.
"What? I don't get you. You were much easier to be with while you were monster-boy. More snarling, yeah, and there was the slight drool factor, but hey, at least I understood you. What is it you're trying to tell me now?"
"Listen, pet… the details… they're not important. I made a decision, and I wasn't sure about it till I came in here and saw you, but… well, let's just go with, you made up my mind for me." He carefully took off his duster, wincing as his arms brushed over his injuries. "I'm leaving now. Keep this for me, will you love?"
"You want me to keep your coat? Wont you need it on the way home? It's cold outside, in case you haven't noticed."
Laying the jacket across her lap, he leaned into her. "The cold wont bother me long." He ran his hands over her hair, letting his thumbs stray to her face to stroke her lower lip. She shivered beneath his touch, and swayed towards him, her hot breath stinging his skin. Pulling away, he stood up abruptly. "So long, Slayer," he said in a gravelly whisper as he limped out of the room.
Buffy let him go. She didn't move from the bed, just listened to the thudding of his boots stomping down the stairs, to the sound of the front door shutting, and to… someone crying? Dawn. Dawn was crying. Crap, what's up with her *now*? Was I that emotional at fifteen? God I hope not Buffy thought. I want a shower and a nap so bad, but noooo, saving the town from Warren isn't good enough. There's always more to do. Spike's pissy, Dawn's upset… and there are three nerds downstairs to ship off to be someone else's problem.
She started to rise, to go to her sister, but Dawn suddenly burst into the bedroom. "What's wrong?" Buffy asked her, taking in her swollen eyes and red face. "Dawnie? Come and sit, talk to me."
"No!" Dawn shouted, standing in front of Buffy, her hands on her hips. "You just let him go! I can't believe, after everything, that you just let him walk out of here!"
"Who, Warren? He's gone? Xander was suppose to be watching him till it was time to take him to the bus station. His bus leaves in less than an hour."
With forced patience, Dawn gritted her teeth. "Not Warren. Spike. Spike is gone. How could you let him leave? Is this, like, the new house rule? Everyone I care about has to move away?"
"What are you talking about? Spike just went home. I know you're worried about him- we all are, after what he's been through. I mean, you should have heard him just now. It was like we were having two completely separate conversations at the same time. I couldn't understand a word he said."
"Well, I could." Dawn grabbed the duster from Buffy's lap. "Let me make it easier for you to understand. Spike gave you this 'cause he's gone. Like, really gone. For good."
"What? No, you're wrong. Spike doesn't leave. Remember? Not even when you want him to. Trust me, I've tried to make him go many, many times."
"Then why'd he give you the coat? He loves that coat."
She stared at Dawn, the truth slowly sinking in. "You're sure he's gone? Really, really, surely sure?"
"You don't believe me? Ask Willow. She was there when he told me."
Buffy jumped up, taking the coat back from Dawn. "Where is he going?"
"L.A., to start with at least. I don't know anything, as usual. Like I said, ask Willow. It's probably her fault," Dawn said, shaking with anger. "Probably your fault too. Spike was the only one of you who treated me like I had a brain and now he's gone. I hope you're happy."
"Dawnie," Buffy said, reaching out to her sister. "I'm sorry. I didn't understand what he was telling me… I just… I never expected *him* to leave. That's the last thing I'd have thought he'd do. Don't worry, though. I'll just go get him back."
"You really think it'll be that easy? Just a matter of saying, 'hey Spike, c'mon back now just 'cause I want you to'? I mean, don't you think that if he left, he had a good reason to?"
"Maybe? I don't know. This is… a pretty big surprise, okay? We… well, I guess we need to make a plan. Figure out what happened. Did Xander and Anya leave yet?"
"Yeah, about five minutes ago. They're driving the super geeks to the bus station."
"Good. This'll be a lot easier to talk about without them around." Buffy folded the duster over her arm and grabbed Dawn's hand. "Come on. Let's go find Willow. Maybe she knows more than we do."
"Well, she couldn't know any less," Dawn muttered, rolling her eyes.
*******
"Let me get this straight, just one more time. You know Spike's going to L.A., but that's only his first stop. You don't know where he's going after that. You don't know why." Buffy paced the floor in front of the couch where Willow, Tara, and Dawn sat. "You don't know anything else."
"That's right," Willow said firmly, nodding. Lying. "He… umm… he wasn't big with the sharing when he woke up."
Buffy turned to Tara. "And you? Did he say anything to you?" she asked, letting her friend see a slice of how worried she was becoming. "A town… a name… anything?"
"N-n-nothing, Buffy. I'm sorry. I'm sure he's okay though!" She leaned forwards, looking up at Buffy. "Maybe he decided that leaving town was the right thing to do. The… the noble thing. After… everything."
"No," Buffy said, rejecting the idea automatically. "Spike is a lot of things, but noble? I don't think so."
"Besides, why would it be noble for him to leave just because Warren turned him into a puppy dog?" Dawn asked. "I mean, it's not like Spike did anything wrong."
Willow and Tara met each other's eyes over Dawn's head, sharing their guilty secret silently.
Buffy blushed. "There's… other issues besides that one, Dawnie," she said quietly. "Private issues."
"Like you sleeping with Spike? I know about that one. Is that what you guys are talking about? You think Spike skipped town because he wanted to break up with Buffy and was too chicken to be a man about it?" She snorted. "Yeah, right. And I'm a M'Fashnik demon. That'd never happen. He'd never do that. He doesn't want to hurt Buffy."
"I don't think he was leaving to hurt her, Dawnie," Tara said, taking Buffy's hand. "I think he was leaving to help her. She being the Slayer and him being a vampire and all. Maybe he decided to make it easy on you, Buffy. And… and maybe you should let him. Just let him go."
"Easier? That's just a nice way to say he took all my choices away from me." She perched on the edge of the coffee table, her elbows resting on her knees. "God, do I just have a big, ole target on my forehead? Or… or an invisible sandwich board over my shoulders that says 'Please, please abandon me?'." Taking a deep breath, she tried to steady herself. "I thought that… with Spike… at least there was one part of my life I had some control over. I was calling the shots with him, or… well, I thought I was. When I find him, he's gonna really, really wish I hadn't!"
"When you find him?" Willow repeated, standing up. "No, Buffy. Tara's right. Just let him go."
"I can't. God, I wish I could, but I can't." Buffy whispered the words into her hands, rubbing them over her face despairingly. "I love him. I have to make sure he's okay." Touching Dawn's knee lightly, she said, "Will you be okay here with Willow for a few days? I don't know how long it'll take to find him, but hopefully not much longer than that. Guess my days at the Palace of hamburger hell are over with. They're kind of funny tending to fire people who don't actually work."
"You shouldn't do this," Willow said. She squeezed Buffy's shoulder, her fingers tense. "Really, Buffy. It's not smart."
Buffy covered Willow's hand with her own. "Love isn't brains," she said, remembering the day Spike had shown his William side to her with these words. "It's blood, blood screaming inside you to work its will."
Tara, Dawn, and Willow gaped at Buffy, who shrugged. "A poet told me that once. Now I've got to go and prove to him that he was right."
****************
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Angel asked. He sat in the driver's seat of the DeSoto, his elbow resting on the open window. Looking at the enormous ship docked several feet away, he shook his head. "She wont thank you for it."
"Yes, I'm sure, and I know she wont thank me," Spike said, lifting a suitcase off of the backseat of the car and slamming the door. "But she'd thank me less if I stayed, mate. Trust me on that."
"You leaving Sunnydale is one thing. She'd deal with that fine, I'm sure, and it's a good thing for her to have you out of her life. But you leaving without saying goodbye… without letting her say goodbye to you…"
"Good-bye is all she's ever really said to me." Spike passed a set of keys through the window to Angel. "Here. One key to the ignition, one to the glove box, one to the boot. Sell it to someone who'll appreciate it."
"You're sure?" he repeated, giving Spike a hard stare. "When she called to ask if I'd seen you, she sounded miserable. Miserable enough to tell me you two had slept together. She's worried about you. I hated lying to her."
"Glad your loyalty falls on your family first, then," Spike said. He eyed the mass of cargo containers that stood between himself and the ship. They'd be his berth until he reached the first port. Lighting a final cigarette, he said, "Now you understand why I'm not telling you where I'm going. Might as well send her a bloody telegram, otherwise."
"Why are you doing this? She's the best chance you have, you know. A chance to change your life, to change yourself to someone better. It's in her best interest that you're leaving, but Spike, you're only harming yourself."
"Consider it penance, then. Whatever you'd like. I don't care." Taking a final puff on his cigarette, he flicked it towards Angel. Behind him, the ship's horn sounded. It resonated through the darkness of the dock and into Spike's bones. He shivered, wishing for his duster. For the warmth of his crypt and his Slayer's body. For comfort. Angel's words bit into him, making his painful leave-taking even worse that it already was. He had to make the bloody poof shut his mouth. "What's it to you, anyways? You don't want to help me, and you don't want me near her. Must be your guilty conscience talking. You left her wanting you, like the sodding martyr you are, and now you're all ashamed and wanting to make right the wrong you did her? Make her forgive you?" He snorted. "Fat bloody chance of that."
Angel looked down at his hands. "Think what you want."
Tossing his suitcase onto his shoulder, Spike turned toward the ship. He listened to the sputtering sound of the DeSoto's engine starting as he walked away. One thing, he thought, stopping suddenly. One last thing to be done. Turning around, he shouted to Angel. "Peaches!"
Angel quickly rolled down the window. He raised his eyebrows expectantly.
"Take care of my girl, you hear?" Walking backwards slowly, he scowled. "Not too close of care, though. You hear me? You understand?"
Rolling up the window slowly, Angel nodded.
Spike took Angel's nod as a sign of acceptance and walked into the shadows surrounding the cargo containers.
Angel watched Spike disappear into the night. "I hear you," he said quietly, his broody eyes dark and guilt-ridden. "I understand you. But she wont. She never did. And, my foolish childe, she'll find you. No matter how far you go."
Chapter 7
Rating: R to be safe. I don't really know.
Distribution: Whoever wants it. Just email me and ask.
Feedback: PLEASE! Dragolyn@hotmail.com
Author's Note: This is set right after Dead Things, remember, it's not suppose to be a fluffy fic. They're still working things out. This is the last chapter, but there will be a sequel starting next week. Thanks again for all the feedback.
Thanks to Isabelle, Sass Angel and Cammila for helping me with some rough spots in this chapter. I appreciate it! (
***************
"So, you're just going to let them go, then?" Giles sounded irritated. "Are you certain that's the thing to do?"
Buffy twisted the spiraling phone cord around her thumb. She could hear him fumbling over the receiver- probably cleaning his glasses, she thought. Laying back on her bed, she closed her eyes and smiled. Every time she spoke to Giles on the phone, she couldn't help imagining the thousands of miles of land and ocean that separated him from being with her. But once in a while, he'd do something or say something that would remind her of the past, and suddenly it was as if he was sitting beside her. Cleaning his glasses was one of those things. She pictured him giving them a final, unnecessary wipe and resituating them on the bridge of his nose before she responded.
"If Spike gets to be Spike again, then yeah, it's the thing. I'm waiting for him to wake up right now."
"Isn't that a little… well, morally ambiguous?" he said delicately.
She sighed. "I dunno. Yeah, it is, I guess. Maybe a lot morally ambiguous. But I'm going to give Jonathan enough money so that he and Andrew can leave Warren behind, so they wont be bullied by him anymore. And then I'm going to make sure they all go somewhere they'll be… um… taken care of."
"Taken care of? How so?"
Buffy grinned and rolled over onto her stomach. Leaning on her elbows, she said, "I bought them three one-way bus tickets to LA. Non-refundable. And then I called Angel and let him know that they are on their way to his city."
"Ah," Giles said. "So, you're releasing them for, what? The length of the bus ride to LA?"
"And however long it takes for Angel to drive across town to their hotel, yes. He'll deal with Warren and keep a close eye or ten on the other two."
"So they wont go free. But you're still unhappy. I can hear it in your voice."
"I just… I don't feel very victorious. I wanted… revenge, I guess. I still feel like Warren won."
"Well, in a way, he did. Warren was backed into a corner with one weapon left to use, and he used it. He's human, not a demon, and he's been in love. He knew you'd choose Spike over retribution. In this case, love was your weakness, just as love was Warren's weakness in choosing Katrina as his first slave. Had he chosen someone he had no ties to, things might have worked out differently for him. He'd still be a criminal, but perhaps not a murderer. He saw the chink in your armor because it is a mirror of his own." Giles paused. Sounds rose in the background- a cupboard opening and closing. "That's why fighting a human can be so much more dangerous than fighting a demon. Only another human could know that you would choose love- only another human would trust that to be a greater motivation than justice."
"So… you think I did wrong? Is this where the lecture starts? The one on how I must also put my sacred duty first? 'Cause, I was thinking, maybe I could call you back tomorrow for that part. Or on Sunday, when the rates are cheaper."
"No, there's no lecture." He fell silent for a long minute. Buffy could hear the sound of liquid being poured in the background. Finally, he sighed and said, "Just because you're not the one who will be doing the punishing doesn't mean he's getting away with his crimes. Of course, that's assuming that he is able to recover Spike's… er… humanity ." He coughed, pointedly. "Spike… about that, Buffy…"
Buffy dropped her face into her comforter, stifling a groan. "I was wondering when you'd get to this part."
"Yes well, I've tried to avoid it, actually."
Frowning, she sat up. "I can actually hear you pacing, Giles. Is it really that bad?" Am I really that bad, she wanted to ask, but couldn't.
"I left you to make your own choices, Buffy. And you… well, you have. I can hardly sit here and judge you for them, now can I?"
"You're not exactly not judging when you use that tone of voice, you know. The librarian voice. The 'would you like a spot of tea to go with those crumpets' voice."
"I know."
When he left it at that, Buffy bit her lip. "Well?" she asked, disguising the fear in her voice with impatience. "Is that all you're going to say?"
"Do you… ahm. Do you love him? Truly?"
"That seems to be the question of the day. Weren't you just telling me that I do? That my love for him was my weakness?"
"There are many different kinds of love. Warren could have picked up on… friendship love. Or pity love. What I'm asking, Buffy, is are you in love with Spike?"
"I don't know. But honestly Giles, I think so. Otherwise Warren would be prison bait right now. But there's so much I'm not sure of… so much I don't understand. How I can feel like this for him, after everything he's done, everything he is? It's like… it's like I love one person and I hate the other, but they just happen to live in the same body."
Another long silence passed. Buffy held on to the receiver tightly, waiting him out. Eventually, he said, "Ultimately, it is you who must live with the consequences of your actions, not me. If you're asking for my stamp of approval on your relationship with Spike, I'm afraid I simply cannot give it to you. But… I will always give your happiness my blessing, Buffy. You know that. So, go and find it. Just be careful, you understand?"
"I'm… I'm understanding. In shock, yeah, but understanding."
"So then?"
"I still don't know what I'm going to do. Nothing, I guess, not until I figure out what my feelings are and what to do with them all."
"You'll do fine, Buffy. You always have," Giles said. She could almost feel the warmth of his reassuring smile across the phone line. "Now, go and make sure Warren isn't burning down your home. I'll phone you tomorrow and see how things went."
"Burning down my house? He better not be. On the other hand, I was just thinking about how "fire bad, tree pretty" sort of sums up how I'm feeling after the last few days. I've never been this tired, or this confused either. Maybe I need a vacation."
"Well, if you ever can get away, there's always England. I know of at least one group of decrepit old men who'd love to meet up with the Slayer again."
Wrinkling her nose, Buffy stood and moved towards the door. "You've got a weird definition of the word vacation, Giles. Anyways, I've gotta go check on the prisoners, give them their bread and water and stuff. We'll talk soon, okay?"
She stood up, preparing to tell Giles goodbye, when a knock came on her bedroom door. "Just a minute, Giles," she said, opening it.
Spike stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall, his hands buried deep inside the pockets of his duster. "Hello, cutie," he said in a strangled voice. He ducked his chin down in a futile attempt to conceal the wounds on his neck. "Got a minute?"
"Giles, I gotta go," she said, almost whispering with relief. She dropped the phone onto the base and motioned for Spike to come inside. "You're… you're you again."
"Appears so." Looking around her bedroom, Spike smirked. "Haven't been in here for a while, pet." He gestured to the bed. "Nice pig."
Ignoring Mr. Gordo, she examined Spike. "How do you feel?"
With a wry smile, he touched his fingertips to his chest. "Better than I did when you tried to kick my ribcage inside out. A little tough on me, weren't you? Even my bruises are whimpering."
"When the choice is hurting you or letting you hurt me, I choose hurting you," Buffy said, trying for a joke.
His face darkening, he nodded. "That's the way of it, then."
"Huh? What's going on? You look… stranger than normal. I guess that's okay though, what with coming out of mind control and all. Sorry I wasn't there when you woke up. I thought it would take him longer to fix you and I had plans to make."
"Yeah well, me too." Spike walked slowly closer until he stood toe to toe with her. "Should we get right to it then?"
"Right to what?" Buffy asked, stepping back warily. He looked so changed, not just from exhaustion and injury, but in the way he held his body. He looked… faded. "What's wrong with you?"
"Less than there was an hour ago," he said. He took a step closer, backing her against the wall. "Less than there'll be an hour from now." His eyes burned with intensity as he brought his face towards hers. He brushed his lips over her forehead and cheekbones and down her neck, inhaling her scent. "Maybe."
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. "You're starting to freak me out. Knock it off, or I'll knock it off for you," she said, raising her fist. "I don't want to hurt you. Please don't make me."
Her words struck into him harder than fists. Sinking onto the edge of the bed, Spike stared at her. "Buffy…" He held out his hand to her, knowing she wouldn't take it.
"What is it?" she said, frustrated. She ignored his hand, but sat beside him. "Did Warren screw you up? What did he do?"
"Yeah, pet, Warren screwed me up. He screwed me up and screwed me over," Spike muttered, too low for Buffy to hear the words.
"What? I don't get you. You were much easier to be with while you were monster-boy. More snarling, yeah, and there was the slight drool factor, but hey, at least I understood you. What is it you're trying to tell me now?"
"Listen, pet… the details… they're not important. I made a decision, and I wasn't sure about it till I came in here and saw you, but… well, let's just go with, you made up my mind for me." He carefully took off his duster, wincing as his arms brushed over his injuries. "I'm leaving now. Keep this for me, will you love?"
"You want me to keep your coat? Wont you need it on the way home? It's cold outside, in case you haven't noticed."
Laying the jacket across her lap, he leaned into her. "The cold wont bother me long." He ran his hands over her hair, letting his thumbs stray to her face to stroke her lower lip. She shivered beneath his touch, and swayed towards him, her hot breath stinging his skin. Pulling away, he stood up abruptly. "So long, Slayer," he said in a gravelly whisper as he limped out of the room.
Buffy let him go. She didn't move from the bed, just listened to the thudding of his boots stomping down the stairs, to the sound of the front door shutting, and to… someone crying? Dawn. Dawn was crying. Crap, what's up with her *now*? Was I that emotional at fifteen? God I hope not Buffy thought. I want a shower and a nap so bad, but noooo, saving the town from Warren isn't good enough. There's always more to do. Spike's pissy, Dawn's upset… and there are three nerds downstairs to ship off to be someone else's problem.
She started to rise, to go to her sister, but Dawn suddenly burst into the bedroom. "What's wrong?" Buffy asked her, taking in her swollen eyes and red face. "Dawnie? Come and sit, talk to me."
"No!" Dawn shouted, standing in front of Buffy, her hands on her hips. "You just let him go! I can't believe, after everything, that you just let him walk out of here!"
"Who, Warren? He's gone? Xander was suppose to be watching him till it was time to take him to the bus station. His bus leaves in less than an hour."
With forced patience, Dawn gritted her teeth. "Not Warren. Spike. Spike is gone. How could you let him leave? Is this, like, the new house rule? Everyone I care about has to move away?"
"What are you talking about? Spike just went home. I know you're worried about him- we all are, after what he's been through. I mean, you should have heard him just now. It was like we were having two completely separate conversations at the same time. I couldn't understand a word he said."
"Well, I could." Dawn grabbed the duster from Buffy's lap. "Let me make it easier for you to understand. Spike gave you this 'cause he's gone. Like, really gone. For good."
"What? No, you're wrong. Spike doesn't leave. Remember? Not even when you want him to. Trust me, I've tried to make him go many, many times."
"Then why'd he give you the coat? He loves that coat."
She stared at Dawn, the truth slowly sinking in. "You're sure he's gone? Really, really, surely sure?"
"You don't believe me? Ask Willow. She was there when he told me."
Buffy jumped up, taking the coat back from Dawn. "Where is he going?"
"L.A., to start with at least. I don't know anything, as usual. Like I said, ask Willow. It's probably her fault," Dawn said, shaking with anger. "Probably your fault too. Spike was the only one of you who treated me like I had a brain and now he's gone. I hope you're happy."
"Dawnie," Buffy said, reaching out to her sister. "I'm sorry. I didn't understand what he was telling me… I just… I never expected *him* to leave. That's the last thing I'd have thought he'd do. Don't worry, though. I'll just go get him back."
"You really think it'll be that easy? Just a matter of saying, 'hey Spike, c'mon back now just 'cause I want you to'? I mean, don't you think that if he left, he had a good reason to?"
"Maybe? I don't know. This is… a pretty big surprise, okay? We… well, I guess we need to make a plan. Figure out what happened. Did Xander and Anya leave yet?"
"Yeah, about five minutes ago. They're driving the super geeks to the bus station."
"Good. This'll be a lot easier to talk about without them around." Buffy folded the duster over her arm and grabbed Dawn's hand. "Come on. Let's go find Willow. Maybe she knows more than we do."
"Well, she couldn't know any less," Dawn muttered, rolling her eyes.
*******
"Let me get this straight, just one more time. You know Spike's going to L.A., but that's only his first stop. You don't know where he's going after that. You don't know why." Buffy paced the floor in front of the couch where Willow, Tara, and Dawn sat. "You don't know anything else."
"That's right," Willow said firmly, nodding. Lying. "He… umm… he wasn't big with the sharing when he woke up."
Buffy turned to Tara. "And you? Did he say anything to you?" she asked, letting her friend see a slice of how worried she was becoming. "A town… a name… anything?"
"N-n-nothing, Buffy. I'm sorry. I'm sure he's okay though!" She leaned forwards, looking up at Buffy. "Maybe he decided that leaving town was the right thing to do. The… the noble thing. After… everything."
"No," Buffy said, rejecting the idea automatically. "Spike is a lot of things, but noble? I don't think so."
"Besides, why would it be noble for him to leave just because Warren turned him into a puppy dog?" Dawn asked. "I mean, it's not like Spike did anything wrong."
Willow and Tara met each other's eyes over Dawn's head, sharing their guilty secret silently.
Buffy blushed. "There's… other issues besides that one, Dawnie," she said quietly. "Private issues."
"Like you sleeping with Spike? I know about that one. Is that what you guys are talking about? You think Spike skipped town because he wanted to break up with Buffy and was too chicken to be a man about it?" She snorted. "Yeah, right. And I'm a M'Fashnik demon. That'd never happen. He'd never do that. He doesn't want to hurt Buffy."
"I don't think he was leaving to hurt her, Dawnie," Tara said, taking Buffy's hand. "I think he was leaving to help her. She being the Slayer and him being a vampire and all. Maybe he decided to make it easy on you, Buffy. And… and maybe you should let him. Just let him go."
"Easier? That's just a nice way to say he took all my choices away from me." She perched on the edge of the coffee table, her elbows resting on her knees. "God, do I just have a big, ole target on my forehead? Or… or an invisible sandwich board over my shoulders that says 'Please, please abandon me?'." Taking a deep breath, she tried to steady herself. "I thought that… with Spike… at least there was one part of my life I had some control over. I was calling the shots with him, or… well, I thought I was. When I find him, he's gonna really, really wish I hadn't!"
"When you find him?" Willow repeated, standing up. "No, Buffy. Tara's right. Just let him go."
"I can't. God, I wish I could, but I can't." Buffy whispered the words into her hands, rubbing them over her face despairingly. "I love him. I have to make sure he's okay." Touching Dawn's knee lightly, she said, "Will you be okay here with Willow for a few days? I don't know how long it'll take to find him, but hopefully not much longer than that. Guess my days at the Palace of hamburger hell are over with. They're kind of funny tending to fire people who don't actually work."
"You shouldn't do this," Willow said. She squeezed Buffy's shoulder, her fingers tense. "Really, Buffy. It's not smart."
Buffy covered Willow's hand with her own. "Love isn't brains," she said, remembering the day Spike had shown his William side to her with these words. "It's blood, blood screaming inside you to work its will."
Tara, Dawn, and Willow gaped at Buffy, who shrugged. "A poet told me that once. Now I've got to go and prove to him that he was right."
****************
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Angel asked. He sat in the driver's seat of the DeSoto, his elbow resting on the open window. Looking at the enormous ship docked several feet away, he shook his head. "She wont thank you for it."
"Yes, I'm sure, and I know she wont thank me," Spike said, lifting a suitcase off of the backseat of the car and slamming the door. "But she'd thank me less if I stayed, mate. Trust me on that."
"You leaving Sunnydale is one thing. She'd deal with that fine, I'm sure, and it's a good thing for her to have you out of her life. But you leaving without saying goodbye… without letting her say goodbye to you…"
"Good-bye is all she's ever really said to me." Spike passed a set of keys through the window to Angel. "Here. One key to the ignition, one to the glove box, one to the boot. Sell it to someone who'll appreciate it."
"You're sure?" he repeated, giving Spike a hard stare. "When she called to ask if I'd seen you, she sounded miserable. Miserable enough to tell me you two had slept together. She's worried about you. I hated lying to her."
"Glad your loyalty falls on your family first, then," Spike said. He eyed the mass of cargo containers that stood between himself and the ship. They'd be his berth until he reached the first port. Lighting a final cigarette, he said, "Now you understand why I'm not telling you where I'm going. Might as well send her a bloody telegram, otherwise."
"Why are you doing this? She's the best chance you have, you know. A chance to change your life, to change yourself to someone better. It's in her best interest that you're leaving, but Spike, you're only harming yourself."
"Consider it penance, then. Whatever you'd like. I don't care." Taking a final puff on his cigarette, he flicked it towards Angel. Behind him, the ship's horn sounded. It resonated through the darkness of the dock and into Spike's bones. He shivered, wishing for his duster. For the warmth of his crypt and his Slayer's body. For comfort. Angel's words bit into him, making his painful leave-taking even worse that it already was. He had to make the bloody poof shut his mouth. "What's it to you, anyways? You don't want to help me, and you don't want me near her. Must be your guilty conscience talking. You left her wanting you, like the sodding martyr you are, and now you're all ashamed and wanting to make right the wrong you did her? Make her forgive you?" He snorted. "Fat bloody chance of that."
Angel looked down at his hands. "Think what you want."
Tossing his suitcase onto his shoulder, Spike turned toward the ship. He listened to the sputtering sound of the DeSoto's engine starting as he walked away. One thing, he thought, stopping suddenly. One last thing to be done. Turning around, he shouted to Angel. "Peaches!"
Angel quickly rolled down the window. He raised his eyebrows expectantly.
"Take care of my girl, you hear?" Walking backwards slowly, he scowled. "Not too close of care, though. You hear me? You understand?"
Rolling up the window slowly, Angel nodded.
Spike took Angel's nod as a sign of acceptance and walked into the shadows surrounding the cargo containers.
Angel watched Spike disappear into the night. "I hear you," he said quietly, his broody eyes dark and guilt-ridden. "I understand you. But she wont. She never did. And, my foolish childe, she'll find you. No matter how far you go."