Seasons
by valacirca

Part Three: Autumn

The leaves were golden that day, I remember it all too well.

How could I forget? At that one instant, my life changed.

I thought that realization was the hardest thing that happened to me, because then I may have lost my chance. Then I thought acceptance was the hardest.

I was wrong.

Trying to find him was.

Simply because I refused to believe that he was lost to me.

Twice had the leaves turned gold on me since he left. Twice had the leaves turned gold before I realized that I needed help, not from any friend, nor anyone I know. Only from Fate. Fate who was so fickle and had the power to decide when was the time to be kind and when was the time to be cruel to one such as me.

Still I held on to Fate, believing in Her deceiving comfort. Believing She will bring him back to me.

I remember the leaves that fell golden that day I vowed to find him. They have turned green with time, and now they are golden once more.

I have been played the fool by Fate.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands, Fate be damned. Destiny shall have to conquer her deceptions and misguidance. Destiny, I believed in. I used to hold Destiny on the palm of my hands.

No other thought had conquered my mind with this much passion. It had become an obsession for me. It came to a point that I have forgotten why I was seeking him in the first place. I sought him with utmost urgency and need that my life fell crashing down around me. First a piece, then another and another and another…

The first thing I ditched was Quidditch. It was holding me back. I could not concentrate as my mind replayed every game we had from our Hogwarts days, playing against one another. The nostalgia brought me down to the ground. The demanding hours for practice kept me from my search. And ultimately playing became a hindrance that I thought should be eliminated as soon as possible. So I did.

Communication with friends and family had been cut off next. It came to a point that Sirius had to come to my flat to beat some sense into me. He did one day, only to find it empty and cold, different from the homey and comfortable mess that it usually was. It was the mess that made the house alive. Now it was as if no one lived there anymore.

I was there when he visited of course. How else would have I known it? But it wasn't just the house. I too was empty and cold. And that's what made the difference.

I kept tearing down my life, piece by piece, until none was left save for the foundations: my two best friends.

I was thankful for Hermione and Ron. They had been the strongest voices of reason around me. They were the ones who kept everything from crumbling down all at once. But in the end no one could save me from my madness. Not even them.

That was my fall from grace.

I felt guilty for giving them much discomfort. I've become cold, but still very much capable of feeling. And I didn't want them to see what I have become. So I pushed them away. Hard.

The next few months were spent going around both the Muggle and the wizarding worlds. I was a regular face at the Leaky Cauldron. And was starting to eat away on my resources. In time, I knew my vault in Gringotts would be wiped clean, and then I would have no chance or means of finding him.

So I became more desperate.

One day, during my stay at the Leaky, I thought my guardian angel was sent down to catch me. And he was sent in the form of a former Death Eater, substituting for old Tom.

"Why do you do this to yourself?"

I blinked stupidly at him. He gestured at my forehead.

"The brand that he gave you was different. It needs to be held with honor."

And then I saw the Mark on his arm as he reached across to hand me my drink.

When I first realize what he was I wanted to grab him, to shake him. I wanted him to tell me where I could find the one who caused me this madness. I'm glad I didn't, because he would have given me what I wanted.

"Find it. Promise me you'll find it."

I would have broken my promise to him. I would have found him, but I would not have been happy.

I have reasons to believe that the Death Eaters have risen once more, this time without a Lord or Master. I believe that they have become what they should have been in the first place: the wise and silent watchers. And I have a pretty good feeling who was behind all that.

And I'm glad.

I started to piece my life back together afterwards because I knew that he would not have wanted me to lose sight of things that are important to me. Of course, finding him was of utmost importance, but other than that, I have my friends, my family (or what was left of it) and my life as I see fit to live it.

With the help of the people I've pushed away, I was able to build a stronger foundation with them. This time, I swore that nothing, not even I, could ever break it down. These are the people I love, and they have become my foundations once more.

Only I wish that he could have been there to see it.

Now there's only one thing that's missing again.

Him.

Then I remembered my angel who was sent to guide me, so that I may clearly see my path once more. I came back and showed him what I have become.

"I see that you are now worthy of bearing that mark."

"But what of you? Aren't you supposed to be from that ancient and secret order and all that good versus evil thing?" I felt stupid asking that.

"No. This—" he said, gesturing to his arm, "—was his brand. But the name is now held with honour among us, and with utmost secrecy"

"Then why do you tell me this?"

The bartender was silent for a while. Then at last he spoke.

"Have you heard of the tale of the winter faeries?"

It was then that I realized that I should have trusted to Fate. She, together with Destiny, has woven an intricate pattern in my life that I have tangled. They had been trying to untangle the threads that tie me to him so they could weave a better pattern.

"It was said that there lived a family of Summoners. Summoners are wizards who can call spirits and other unlikely creatures at their will. But they favour most the winter faeries, because it was said that whenever someone in their family dies during winter, they turn into snow to become winter faeries.

"Every winter, someone alive from their family would summon the winter faeries to allow their ancestors a chance to live even just for a while. Then they would again put them back to sleep until the next winter comes."

My heart started racing.

I knew at that instant that patterns on Fate and Destiny's loom is nearing its completion.

And I knew too that the golden leaves are falling outside.

There's no other place that I could think of except for the small stretch of land on the borders of the Forbidden Forest. I think it was instinct that told me to find him there. Or maybe it was the fact that I know not where else I could wait.

I set a silent vigil as I watch for his return.

As I look back, I realize that it was I who had prolonged the agony in my heart. But it might have been a blessing in disguise. If I were to repeat it all over again, I wouldn't have changed a single thing, because I wouldn't have realized the true value of my happiness.

But sometimes I wonder, why should my world have to revolve around my happiness? The answer to that evades me, but this one thing I know: I would never be truly happy if I do not to share it with him.

So in the last few days of fall, I waited silently for the first stirring of winter winds come to view. My heart has just experienced its own winter, and no doubt fall. But the best fall I've had was for him and him alone.

Now I look forward to spring.

A new beginning.

I wait silently as a lone figure in black approach.

Three years ago, in this very same spot, came alive some of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen. This time, I hoped that I'd be the one to set them free.

Like what he did to me.

And to me they shall return willingly.

Like the way I did to him.

And I knew then that winter would be colder this year. But I now have an added warmth. The colder the winter, the brighter the spring. There'll always be something to look forward to.

"Have you found it?"

And the last rays of autumn disappear from the horizon.

"Yes," I whispered, "I've found you."