DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God. All hail Paramount. They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go. All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).
COURTING DISASTER
CHAPTER THREE: CONSEQUENCES
Chakotay slowly took a long breath, pulling air deep into his lungs. He looked around groggily, then his eyes fell on the chronometer. 0427. He frowned, wondering why he had woken up so early.
Movement next to him in the bed drew his attention and he looked over at Kathryn. Her eyes were closed, but her head was turning back and forth and her entire body jumped every once in a while. She must be dreaming, he realized. She let out a small muffled cry, followed by another, and her head jerked violently.
Unsure whether it would be better to wake her up or let her dream, he decided after a moment to let her be for now and merely moved closer to her, taking her hand.
Her breathing became more erratic, and she finally snapped awake with a gasp, her entire body trembling.
He put his hands on either side of her face, turning her to look at him. "Kathryn."
Her chest was still heaving, and she didn't seem to hear him.
"Kathryn," he repeated, forcing her to look at him. It was imperative that she try to remember what she could as soon as possible.
She finally seemed aware of him. "Chakotay."
"Tell me what you remember."
Finally able to understand him, her eyes darted back and forth as she tried to recall her dream. "The Borg," she blurted. "Seven, Axum, they were in trouble. We had to go after them and…and…" She paused and frowned, the closed her eyes with a sigh as it faded from her grasp. "It's gone."
He removed his hands from her face and let them rest on her bare shoulders. "It's okay."
They sat in silence until she shuddered involuntarily. "God, Chakotay, it was horrible. I was…taken prisoner somewhere. There were people all around me--"
"From the crew?"
"No. They weren't like the people on the ship. They had pale skin. They were inhuman...they were part machine." Her eyes widened, recognizing her description. "The people you said you saw in the cargo bay."
"The Borg."
"What?"
"That's what you called them just now. The Borg."
She frowned. "I…don't remember now. They did something to me." She lifted up her hand, turning it over. "They…" Her voice dropped to a whisper and she lifted her hand to the side of her head. "They made me like them. I had some kind of mechanical implants put in me. It was excruciating."
He slid his hands from his shoulders around her back and pulled her closer. She buried her head in his shoulder and let out the sob she had been holding in.
"Hold me," she whispered.
He nodded silently, and held her close to his body until they both found the peaceful embrace of sleep.
* * *
Kathryn smiled as she opened her eyes and saw Chakotay lying on his side looking at her. He reached over to brush a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
"Good morning," she said with a cat-like stretch that he observed with admiration.
He smiled. "Good morning." His expression changed and he looked at her with concern. "Did you have any more nightmares?"
"No. You?"
"No...but I did have this fantastic dream."
"Oh?" She slid closer to him, draping one arm over his chest. She reached up with her other hand to trace the contours of his tattoo with one of her fingers.
"It was about this incredible woman."
She smiled invitingly.
"She had beautiful reddish brown hair, with striking blue eyes." He placed his fingers on her chin, then ran them slowly down her neck and past her collarbone. "And the most incredible creamy pale skin."
She gasped as his fingers moved lower, down between her breasts. When they reached her waist, she reached under the sheet and grabbed his hand, stopping its progression.
"We have a meeting in forty five minutes," she said, trying to contain the tremor in her voice.
He closed his eyes and sighed, then leaned over to lightly kiss her below her ear. "Do we have to?"
She ran her fingers lightly through his hair, then lifted his head away from her. "I think we both need a shower."
He nodded in resignation and rolled onto his back. "I could certainly use a cold shower, but you can go first."
"First?" She slid closer to him, her body pressed against his, and slid her foot invitingly up and down his leg under the blankets. "I have no intention of either of us going first, Chakotay."
He looked at her in confusion, so she leaned even closer, bringing her face so close to his that he could feel her breath on his cheek. "There's plenty of room. And before we leave for that meeting, we're both going to need a cold shower."
She smiled invitingly and slid away from him, wrapping the sheet around her and pulling it along as she climbed out of bed and moved towards the bathroom.
Still in shock, he sat in bed with his mouth hanging open as she turned at the door.
"Are you coming or not?"
A grin finally spread across his face, and he jumped out of bed, running towards her as she ducked him with a squeal. He pinned her against the wall easily, silencing her laughing with his lips. She immediately stopped protesting, and the sheet she had wrapped around her dropped to the ground as they gradually made their way into the bathroom.
* * *
When they entered the conference room, the first thing they noticed was B'Elanna, Harry, Vorik, and Ensign Ashmore talking in hushed, excited tones at the far end of the table. B'Elanna seemed to be doing most of the talking, while the others were nodding excitedly and giving the occasional comment.
B'Elanna spoke up as soon as everyone was seated, not even giving Seven a chance to begin the meeting. "I think we've got it."
Seven raised an eyebrow. "'Got' what?"
"A way to get the main computer working."
"Elaborate."
B'Elanna rose from her chair and began walking around the table. "We've all been experiencing dreams." She turned to the Captain and Chakotay. "And you said that while you were dreaming you were able to remember who you are."
"That's right," said the Captain.
"If we induced a similar state in the computer processor, it's possible that the bio-neural components would be able to work again."
"How would you do that?" asked Chakotay.
"When we dream, a part of our brain disconnected from our conscious mind becomes active, processing memories and experiences," said Harry.
"Theoretically, disconnecting the gelpacks from the main computer core and just letting them randomly process information could mimic dreaming," said B'Elanna.
"But I thought the point of all this was to access the computer core," said Tom. "If we disconnect the gelpacks, we won't be able to get to the computer database."
"That's true," said B'Elanna, still circling the table. "But we'll be able to use the processors."
"We're not going to be able to access the database anyways until we determine what's wrong with the gelpacks," said Ensign Ashmore. "This way, at least we'll be able to use the processors to get the remaining primary systems up and running."
"The computer would be like us," said Ensign Sharr, nodding. "Able to function but not able to remember."
"Exactly," said B'Elanna, "And we should have enough capacity to run the hologram in Sickbay."
"Who should be able to assist us in determining what is wrong with the biological component of the computer," said Vorik.
"Not to mention what's wrong with us," said Harry.
"I know we wanted to access the personnel files and other information," continued B'Elanna. "But I think this the only option we've got left."
Seven considered for a moment. "Agreed. Proceed with your plan."
"If this works, I think we should get the food replicators back on line," said Tom. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not sure I want to trust that furball in the kitchen to keep coming up with edible food."
"I do not believe that should be a priority," said Seven.
"It wouldn't take that many people," said Ensign Sharr.
"We should concentrate our efforts on more relevant areas," said Seven dismissively.
The Captain had had enough. She leaned forward with her elbows on the table. "Look. There are 144 people on this ship, most of whom are just sitting around waiting for something to do. What's the harm in them taking a handful of people and trying to get the replicators up and running?"
Seven glared at her. "It would be an inefficient use of our resources."
"Our resources? There are more than enough resources to go around."
"I do not agree with their proposal."
"You don't agree?" She crossed her arms. "Until we find out who's really in command of this ship, I don't think you or anyone should have the final say. We should be making decisions as a group."
"You do not believe that I am the commanding officer of this vessel?"
The Captain threw her hands up. "I don't know. You don't know. Nobody does."
Seven's eyes narrowed. "You believe you should be in command?"
"No." She looked around the table. "It might be any one of us, or none of us. The Captain may not even be in this room. For all we know, she was down on deck 15 when this happened!"
"In the absence of consensus, a group requires leadership," said Tuvok. "As unanimous decisions seem unlikely, it is only logical for one of us to remain in command until the true nature of our positions is uncovered."
The Captain looked around the table. She could see that most of the others were with her, but she realized they shouldn't waste time bickering about who was in charge.
"Fine," she said, opting for a graceful retreat.
Chakotay stepped in to fill the awkward silence that followed. "We uncovered something rather disturbing in the letters from home we mentioned yesterday."
"Disturbing?" said Tom. "How?"
"The letters made reference to our being stranded far from home."
Harry frowned. "How far?"
Chakotay sighed. "The exact phrase was 'halfway across the galaxy.'"
"That would explain why there have been no attempts to communicate with us," said Tuvok.
"Our thoughts exactly."
The Captain spoke up. "We thought we'd have a closer look at the astronomical lab on deck eight. It might have some clues as to where we're from or if there's any way to contact our home planet."
"We asked some of the crew to familiarize themselves with the ship," continued Chakotay, "And we've found two people who said they know how to use the systems in the lab. They've offered to help us."
"Proceed," said Seven, eyeing the Captain warily after the recent challenge of her authority. She turned to B'Elanna. "Keep me…" She looked at the Captain again. "Keep us informed of your progress with the computer processor and the Sickbay hologram. Dismissed."
* * *
The Captain looked over Icheb's shoulder as he worked in astrometrics. "Any luck?"
He shook his head. "I've been unsuccessful in retrieving the navigational logs. It may be impossible without the main computer functioning."
"Keep trying."
Crewman Celes called her over from the other side of the room.
"What have you found?"
Celes pointed at the screen she was working on. "I've been able to get a look at the communication logs. I can't access any of the transmissions themselves, but I did find something interesting." She hit a few commands and a list of transmissions scrolled across the screen. "Do you see this one here? And here? And another one here."
The Captain leaned forward. "There's a huge amount of compressed data."
"And they're all exactly thirty days apart."
"When was the last one?"
Celes looked back at the screen. "Looks like…two weeks ago."
"Can you tell me the exact date?"
"Yes ma'am…stardate 54043."
"That's almost exactly the date on the letters from home we found. And one of them mentioned writing once a month."
"Well, if nothing else, we can wait two weeks and send them a message telling them what's happened to us."
The Captain nodded. "Good work. Keep trying to dig out those transmissions."
Leaving Celes to her work, she walked over to join Chakotay at the console in front of the viewscreen. She worked beside him in silence before she glanced up at him.
"You've been awfully quiet. Something on your mind?"
He looked up at her then back down at his console.
"Having second thoughts about last night?"
He looked up at her again, and his expression of surprise told her that she had either guessed exactly right or was completely off the mark. The knot that was slowly growing in the pit of her stomach disappeared when he shook his head.
"Not at all." He checked over his shoulders to make sure that Icheb and Celes were both occupied with their work before he turned back to her. "And don't you mean last night and this morning?"
She blushed and smiled knowingly to herself, but his expression quickly turned serious.
"I've been thinking about something you said at the meeting this morning."
Her face fell and she continued working. "You think I was out of place."
"No." He paused. "You said the Captain might have been elsewhere on the ship when we lost our memories."
She looked up at him. "Well, doesn't that make sense? We might have been just the night shift. She could have been anywhere."
He raised an eyebrow. "You did it again."
She frowned in confusion. "What?"
He looked over his shoulder again then back at her, leaning closer and lowering his voice. "She. That's the second time I've heard you refer to the Captain as a woman."
Taken aback, she stared at him in surprise and there was a short silence before she answered. "I wasn't even thinking. It's probably just a slip of the tongue."
"I don't agree. When I heard you say it the first time, I knew you were right. The Captain of this ship is a woman."
She frowned as an implication of that hit home. She turned back to the console. "You think she's the Captain, don't you."
"No," he said, surprised. "I think you are."
Her fingers froze on the console and it was a few seconds before she slowly raised her head to look at him. "You're not serious."
"I'm very serious."
"What in the world would make you think that?"
"The markings on your collar, for one. Nobody else has more than three, but you have four. You have all the characteristics of a natural leader. Your quarters are one of the most spacious we found."
She smiled uneasily and tried to change the subject. "So that's why you were so eager to stay over last night."
He continued undaunted. "And at the meeting this morning, it seemed to bother you more than anyone else that she was making all the decisions for us."
She waved him off. "I just don't think it's right for her, for anyone, to have that kind of authority when we know so little."
"No. You knew that she isn't supposed to have that kind of authority. And I agree with you. Seeing her sitting at the head of that table doesn't feel right."
"And seeing me there would?"
His raised eyebrow was answer enough. Decidedly uncomfortable, her eyes darted back to the console. "You're just saying that because you think I'll treat you different because of…last night. And this morning," she said with a smile, trying to again brush his suggestion off.
He would have argued further, but he could see how uneasy the conversation was making her so he remained silent and they continued working.
* * *
Celes made a breakthrough after about an hour. "I think I've got something here."
Janeway and Chakotay joined her. "What is it?"
"Those monthly transmissions -- it looks like they use the main deflector. If we check the deflector logs, we might be able to figure out where these transmissions were headed."
Chakotay reached for a PADD and checked the ship schematics. "Deflector control is on deck 11."
Celes nodded and motioned to Icheb to follow her. "We'll let you know what we find."
As soon as they were gone, the Captain returned to trying to retrieve the navigational logs.
"I'm sorry if what I said earlier made you uncomfortable."
She continued working without looking up. "Don't worry about it."
His eyes narrowed. "It really bothers you, doesn't it. The thought that you might be Captain."
She paused, staring at the wall thoughtfully before she turned to him. "I can't even begin to imagine the kind of responsibility that would go along with that. Everything we've found so far has led us to believe we're alone out here. I don't envy the person who has to carry that kind of burden."
He reached over and put his hand on top of hers. "Whoever you are, Kathryn, you're not alone."
She put her other hand on top of his, squeezing it gently. "Thank you," she whispered.
He leaned forward and kissed her softly on the forehead, running his fingers through her hair. She put her arms loosely around his neck as he rested his forehead against hers. They stood like that in silence until they were interrupted by B'Elanna over the comm.
Sickbay to the senior officers. We're going to try activating the hologram.
She took a deep breath and stepped away from him, straightening her uniform jacket with a tug. She turned for the door, and she could hear him following a few steps behind her. They entered the turbolift without a word except to give the order for deck five, and they rode motionless and in silence. When the doors opened, she began to step out, but he reached out and grabbed her hand. He brought it to his lips and gently kissed the back of her hand.
Her composure melted, and she smiled. "Let's go," she said quietly, and they headed for Sickbay.
B'Elanna and the others were working at one of the consoles, and glanced up briefly when they entered.
"We're almost ready," she said, stepping around Harry to enter commands on another console. "We disconnected the processors from the main computer core, so we'll see if our theory was right."
Seven, Tuvok, Tom, and Ensign Sharr entered. "Report," said Seven.
"We're ready," said B'Elanna, nodding to Harry.
He pressed a button on the console in front of him, and the Doctor appeared a few feet away.
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency." He looked around at the number of people gathered in Sickbay. "What's going on?"
"We were right," said B'Elanna triumphantly. "It's a hologram."
He rolled his eyes. "Very perceptive. Of course I'm a hologram."
"And quite a sophisticated one," said Harry. "What's the last thing in your memory banks?"
The Doctor frowned. "We were just encountering the perimeter of the ion storm. Several of the crew began experiencing severe headaches, then my matrix began to destabilize. How long have I been offline?"
They ignored his question in the face of this new information.
"Ion storm," mused Chakotay. "The residual neurogenic field we detected?"
"An ion storm wouldn't generate a neurogenic field," said Harry.
The Doctor frowned. "You and Seven detected one."
This only caused more confusion. "Seven?" said Harry. "Seven what?"
The Doctor seemed to be just as confused as them. "Seven of Nine," he said, exasperated. Seeing the continued blank looks, he became even more frustrated. "Her," he said, pointing to Seven. "Seven of Nine." She stepped backwards and looked at him strangely.
Reaching the end of his patience, the EMH turned to Janeway, still standing partly behind Chakotay. "Captain, what's going on?"
She glanced over her shoulder, but when she saw there was nobody behind her she realized he was addressing her. The color drained from her face and she felt her stomach plunge all the way to her feet.
Chakotay was right. Somehow, she had known all along that he was right, but until now she hadn't had to admit it.
When the EMH saw the expression on the Captain's face, it finally hit him that something was terribly wrong. He turned to B'Elanna. "Lieutenant?"
She seemed just as surprised as the Captain. "Lieutenant?" she repeated, glancing at Harry beside her.
"Do you have a name?" the Captain asked him.
"A name?" He looked around at them. "No, of course I don't. What's wrong with all of you?"
"We were hoping you could tell us," said Tom.
"I'm sorry?"
"We have no memories prior to regaining consciousness two days ago," clarified the Captain. "The computer's malfunctioning as well. We were hoping you could clear some of that up."
"You have no memories at all?"
"We still possess skills to operate this vessel," said Seven, "But we have no memories relevant to our identities."
The Doctor stood in stunned silence for a few moments before he moved over to a shelf and picked up a medical tricorder. Ensign Ashmore was closest to him, and the Doctor immediately began scanning him.
"Hmm," he said, looking at the readings. "There doesn't appear to be any physical damage to the hippocampus, or anything else that would account for selective memory loss. I'll have to run more detailed neurological scans."
"We were hoping you could have a look at this, too," said Harry, showing him one of the malfunctioning gelpacks. "We can't find out what's wrong with it."
"I'm a doctor, not an engineer," he groused, but he took the gelpack. "But I'll have a look if you insist."
He started to move away. "You can assist me, Mr. Paris."
They all looked at each other. "Doctor?" called Harry.
He turned around. "Hm?"
Harry glanced around. "Who's Paris?"
The Doctor seemed embarrassed. "Sorry. Lieutenant Tom Paris," he said, handing Tom a medical tricorder.
Tom looked in puzzlement at the instrument. "I'm not sure I remember how to use this. I thought I was the pilot."
"That never stopped you before," said the Doctor with a smirk. "And you are, in fact, probably the best pilot on the ship."
"Doctor…what about the rest of us?" asked Ashmore.
"Of course," said the Doctor, looking at the expressions of the rest of the group. "Ensign Robert Ashmore. You work in engineering. Lieutenant Commander Tuvok. You're chief of security. Ensign Harry Kim, operations officer. Ensign Renlay Sharr. You're a bridge officer. Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres, chief engineer." He turned to Seven. "Seven of Nine. You work mostly in astrometrics, but you're also quite a gifted engineer."
"Seven of Nine," she repeated. "My designation is…numerical?"
"Your real name is Annika Hansen," he explained. "You were…kidnapped, I guess you could say, at a young age. It's a long story."
She considered. "I prefer to have a name."
"Very well," said the Doctor. "Annika it is, then."
He turned to the Captain and Chakotay. "Commander Chakotay. You're the first officer. And Captain Kathryn Janeway."
"Thank you, Doctor," she said finally when she found her voice.
He nodded. "I would appreciate it if a few of you remained so I can run some neurological scans."
They conferred briefly, and it was decided that Harry, B'Elanna, and Ensign Ashmore would stay to be poked and prodded by the EMH. That taken care of, Chakotay turned to speak to the Captain, but she was gone.
* * *
The shaft of light that penetrated her darkened quarters announced Chakotay's entrance, but she didn't turn around from the window, keeping her gaze focused on the unmoving stars in the distance.
"Are you all right?"
She took a deep breath and didn't answer.
He walked over to stand behind her and slowly slipped his arms around her waist. She put her arms over his, and leaned her head back against his shoulder.
She was trying to maintain her composure by staring out the window, but the tears that were filling her eyes were making it difficult.
He rested his chin on her shoulder and spoke quietly. "Kathryn."
Of all the things he could have possibly said, that was probably the one word that had the most emotional resonance for her after last night. She squeezed her eyes shut, and a tear escaped and rolled freely down her cheek. She slowly turned around buried her head in his chest as her shoulders shook with a sob she had been holding in since the Doctor addressed her in Sickbay. He wrapped his arms around her and laid his cheek against her hair.
She lost all track of time as she remained like that, only bringing herself back to the moment when he gently pulled her away from him with his hands on either side of her face, leaning down to kiss her. She allowed it at first, but then gently pushed him away.
He watched her as she stepped backwards and straightened her uniform. "Well...Commander. It seems you were right after all."
He frowned. "Kathryn..." He stepped forward, reaching out to take her hand, but she pulled it out of reach.
"Commander, I don't think it's appropriate for us to continue our...involvement."
"Why? Because you're the Captain?"
The defiant tilt of her chin was answer enough.
He again tried to grab her hand. When she pulled it out of reach, he stepped forward and grabbed her by the shoulders.
"Kathryn. Do you think it bothers me that you're the Captain?"
She seemed surprised. "No. I just don't think it's right for a Captain to be involved with someone under her command."
"Does you being the Captain change how you feel about me?"
Her expression softened. "Of course not."
"Then nothing else matters."
"But--"
He shook his head to silence her, moving his hand up to the side of her face. "Nothing else matters."
Her resolve broken, another tear rolled down her cheek and she stepped back into his arms.
* * *
Captain Janeway lay on her side in the bed, eyes wide open. The rhythmic rising and falling of Chakotay's chest next to her back told her that sleep was not as elusive to him as it was to her. After a glance over her shoulder to make sure that he was indeed asleep, she slowly removed his arms from around her waist and rose from the bed. She found a robe that matched her dark blue nightgown and pulled it around her. After another glance at Chakotay, she left the bedroom and headed for the door.
The Doctor frowned as he scanned the bio-neural gelpacks. He had been performing his examination of the gelpacks and the crew for over six hours, but he was no closer to a solution than when the problem was first presented to him.
He heard the Sickbay doors open, and he frowned, wondering who would be looking for him at this hour. He nearly dropped the scanning instrument in his hand when he saw Captain Janeway standing in the doorway. He was even more surprised when he saw that she was wearing nothing more than a nightgown with a silk robe pulled loosely around her.
"Captain! If you're here for a progress report, I'm afraid I don't have anything to tell you. I'll know more for the morning briefing, but -- "
She held up her hand. "I'm not here for a status report, Doctor. It's more of a...personal matter."
He cleared his throat. "What can I do for you, Captain?"
She shifted uncomfortably. "Please, call me Kathryn. I'm not used to 'Captain' yet."
"Of course." He motioned towards his office, and she followed him. When they reached his office, she stood with her back to him with one hand on her hip and let her eyes wander while she gathered her thoughts. She turned around to face him.
"We haven't been able to find out very much about...our situation. Being stranded, I mean. I was hoping you could fill in the blanks."
He nodded.
"We are stranded."
"Yes. We're in the Delta Quadrant, approximately 30,000 light years from Earth. Your home planet," he added.
"30,000 light years?"
"Yes...but we've traveled that far in under six years," he quickly added. "I assure you, our progress has been remarkable. It should have taken us well over 30 years to cover that distance. Most ships wouldn't have survived a week."
Her eyes widened. "Six years? How far away from home were we? At the beginning, I mean."
"We were originally almost 70,000 light years from the Alpha quadrant."
"70,000 light years," she repeated. "And how...how did that happen?"
It did not pass unnoticed that he became distinctly uncomfortable. "We were brought here by an entity known as the Caretaker."
"The Caretaker?"
"Starfleet sent Voyager into the badlands to look for a Maquis ship that Mr. Tuvok had boarded as a spy. The Caretaker's array had brought their ship to the Delta quadrant, and when Voyager went looking for them we were brought there as well."
Seeing her blank look, he simplified the story.
"The details really aren't important. The Caretaker was a noncorporeal entity searching the galaxy for a compatible mate. He brought us to his area of the Delta quadrant using advanced technology."
The phrase suddenly came to her. "Sending you back is terribly complicated."
"Captain?"
She looked up at him, startled. "It's nothing, Doctor. Just something from a dream I had."
He looked at her carefully, but decided not to pursue it. "He kidnapped Mr. Kim, as well as Lieutenant Torres. We were able to retrieve them, but the Caretaker was dying."
"And that's why we were stranded here. He died and couldn't send us back."
He shifted uneasily. "In a manner of speaking."
She could still remember the lingering feeling of guilt from her dream, and her eyes narrowed. "We couldn't use his technology after he died?"
He looked at her carefully. Despite her memory loss, it was quite obvious that she was just as perceptive and relentless as usual. "It may have been possible...but the Ocampa were in danger."
"The Ocampa?"
"A race the Caretaker had been protecting. The Kazon -- enemies of the Ocampa -- would have used the Caretaker's array to destroy the Ocampan homeworld."
She could see that he was unwilling to continue the story, so she prodded him. "And?"
"Captain…Kathryn. This really isn't necessary. Once I finish my analysis of the gelpacks and the crew's neurological scans, I'm sure I'll be able to devise a treatment and you'll remember all this yourself."
"Tell me," she said in a determined tone of voice.
He wavered for a few seconds, but her gaze made him relent. "We had a choice between using the array to get home and protecting the Ocampa. We chose the latter."
She looked at him steadily for a few seconds before her eyes dropped slowly to the ground. The phrases from her dream came easily, the words ringing in her ears as if she was hearing them for the first time.
"What do you think you're doing? That array is the only way we have to get back home!"
"I'm aware everyone has families and loved ones at home they want to get back to. So do I. But I'm not willing to trade the lives of the Ocampa for our convenience. We'll have to find another way home."
"What other way home is there? Who is she to be making this decision for all of us?"
"She's the Captain."
She squeezed her eyes shut to try and block out the words. "I chose. I stranded us here." She brought her eyes up to stare directly into his face. "Isn't that the truth, Doctor?"
"It...the crew...we all supported..." His attempts at explanation fell short, and it showed as her expression fell. "Yes," he admitted. "You were the one who made the decision."
She took a deep breath as she absorbed this information. "Thank you, Doctor," she said, unwilling to meet his gaze. She turned abruptly and left his office.
He started after her. "Captain? Kathryn?"
She ignored him, and strode out of Sickbay with her head held high and tears brimming in her eyes.
* * *
Chakotay rolled over in bed groggily and reached his hand out. When he encountered nothing but a cold, empty bed, he cracked his eyes open and glanced around. There was no sign of Kathryn. He propped himself up on his elbow, still not fully awake, then slowly swung his feet over the edge of the bed.
He saw her when he walked into the living area -- she was standing in her nightgown staring out the window. She was lost in thought, and didn't notice him watching her.
"You seem to do that a lot."
Startled, she turned to look at him.
"Stare out the window, I mean," he continued, walking over to join her.
She made no comment and turned back to the window.
He slipped his arms around her waist and leaned forward to kiss the exposed part of her shoulder. He moved his lips from her shoulder towards her neck, working his way up to her ear.
She didn't even seem to notice him, remaining motionless and not taking her eyes off the stars.
He pulled away from her to get a look at her face. Her expression was controlled and emotionless.
"We were right," she said quietly.
"About what?"
"That exploring this part of the galaxy was…unintentional."
"That's not really a surprise, is it?"
"I suppose not." She stepped out of his arms and walked over to the desk, reaching over to turn the holo-image of the senior staff towards her. She reached over and ran her fingers along the top of it. "It was me."
He frowned. "What was you?"
She looked up from the photo. "I'm the reason we're stranded out here."
"Kathryn, I'm sure -- "
"I asked the hologram about it. We were brought here by some kind of powerful alien, and instead of using his technology to get us back home…" Her voice trailed off and she looked back at the photograph. "I destroyed it."
He took a moment to consider her information. "You must have had good reason."
She shrugged, not taking her eyes off the photograph. "The hologram seemed to think so…but I don't see what could possibly justify stranding my crew half a galaxy away from home." She looked up at him again. "I'm their Captain. They are my responsibility. It was my decision, my order, that stranded us out here."
"Until we have all the facts -- "
"I have all the facts I need," she snapped, pushing herself away from the desk and pacing over to the window.
Not knowing what to say, he was silent until she spoke again in a softer voice.
"I don't even know what I left behind. A husband, children, parents, friends…I have no idea."
"I'm sure we all left something behind." He thought for a moment. "But we have something here, too. On this ship."
She wouldn't answer him and returned to staring out the window.
* * *
Captain Janeway shifted uneasily in her chair. After two days of sitting near the bottom of the table, having the chair at the head of the table seemed unusual. But she was the Captain, and she was expected to sit at the head of the table, run the meetings, make decisions, and know what the hell was going on.
She took a deep breath. "Doctor, what can you tell us?"
The EMH rose from his chair and walked over to one of the viewscreens on the wall. "I've managed to pinpoint the cause of your memory loss and the computer malfunctions, although I must admit it took quite a bit of sleuthing. I had to invent an entirely new method of scanning…" He trailed off as he looked around the table. "Never mind. Suffice it to say, I found the problem." He pulled up a three-dimensional diagram of a brain on the monitor. "The neurogenic field created by the ion storm interfered with a specific series of neurotransmitters in the hippocampus. Not surprisingly, the neurotransmitters affected are related to long-term memory retrieval. When these neurotransmitters were blocked by the neurogenic field, none of you were able to access your long-term memories."
"But we remembered how to work our stations," observed Tom.
"The memories that have to do with skills are stored and retrieved in a completely different fashion from other memories. The neural pathways for skills, personality, and most other cognitive functions were unaffected."
"What about our dreams?" asked Harry. "Are those really our memories?"
"As a matter of fact, they are. When you enter REM sleep, the stage where dreaming occurs, the random activity in the brain often involves the memory centers in the hippocampus. The activation of these pathways in REM sleep is different from when you're conscious."
"So we could access our memories, but only when we were dreaming," said Harry.
"Precisely. However, from what some of the crew have told me about their dreams, it seems that not just any memories resurfaced. They were usually traumatic experiences or events that had a large emotional impact."
"Have you devised a treatment?" asked Tuvok.
"Yes. I've found a way to restore the activity of the neurotransmitters that were impaired by the neurogenic field. It's a relatively simple procedure, completely harmless. I should be able to restore the memories of the entire crew within a matter of days."
"What about the gelpacks?" asked B'Elanna.
"Their malfunction was identical, so the same treatment can be used. Since they mimic an organic nervous system, they use the same neurotransmitters for data storage and retrieval as you do. I tested my treatment on one of the gelpacks, and it's functioning at full capacity."
"Good work, Doctor," said Chakotay. He turned to the Captain. "I suppose we should begin immediately."
She nodded. "By all means."
She noticed that the others were all staring at her expectantly. After the last few days of submitting (albeit rather unwillingly) to Seven's authority, it took her a few seconds to figure out what they were waiting for. "If there's nothing else, you're dismissed."
She could tell that Chakotay wanted to talk to her, but that was a conversation she preferred to avoid for the moment and she purposely avoided his gaze.
"Doctor?" she said, walking quickly to catch up with him as he left the conference room. He stopped and turned to look at her. "A moment?" She motioned towards the ready room. She could feel Chakotay watching her intently as she followed the Doctor but she ignored him.
When they reached the privacy of her ready room, the Captain leaned back against her desk and gripped the edge with her hands on either side of her. Before she had a chance to begin, the Doctor preempted her.
"Captain, if you're going to ask me about the Caretaker again, I think it's best if I refrain from -- "
She held up a hand. "I'm not."
He was visibly relieved.
"I was just curious about something…" She paused. "Do I have any family back home? Children? Parents?"
His expression of relief changed to sympathy. This seemed to be safe enough ground. "Children? No. Your mother still lives on Earth, and you have a sister."
"My father?"
"He died many years ago, I understand."
She nodded thoughtfully, then lifted up her left hand and examined it. "I'm not married?"
This was more dangerous ground. "No." Although he believed that he had betrayed nothing, she noticed the uncomfortable expression that momentarily crossed his face at her question, and her eyes narrowed.
"Doctor?"
He never had been able to resist the Captain's questioning. "When we were…stranded, you were engaged."
"And?"
"Everyone back home believed we were dead. He was married about three years ago."
She sighed. "Thank you."
He turned to leave, but she thought of something else and looked up. "Doctor?"
"Yes, Captain?"
"There's a young girl on board…"
"Naomi Wildman."
"So that is her name," she said, more to herself than him. "We thought we found her mother. A young blond woman who wears a blue uniform."
He nodded. "Ensign Samantha Wildman. Yes, you were right. She's Naomi's mother."
"And her father?"
Caught completely off guard, the surprise showed on his face. Everyone on Voyager was so used to Naomi's parental…situation…that he hadn't given it a second thought.
The Captain's eyes widened. "No." His silence was confirmation enough. "He…he's back in the Alpha quadrant."
"Naomi's a very fortunate girl," said the Doctor desperately. "She has Mr. Neelix, Ensign Wildman, Seven…and you. She appointed herself the Captain's assistant."
She ignored his attempts to distract her. "How old was she when we were brought to the Delta quadrant?"
"Naomi is half Ktarian, which increases her growth rate. Despite her appearance, she's actually less than five years old."
"Five years…" Her eyes widened in horror. "She's never met her father."
"No."
Her lips parted slightly and she stared at him briefly before regaining her composure. "That will be all, Doctor."
"Captain, I -- "
A raised eyebrow was enough to make him clamp his mouth shut and nod curtly before leaving the ready room.
Chakotay was there before the doors were even closed. Seeing the expression on her face, he frowned in concern and instantly forgot what he had been about to say.
"Kathryn? What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"I don't --"
"Nothing," she said more forcefully. She stood up and walked around her desk, needing the physical barrier between them. "Once the Doctor repairs a few of the gelpacks you should be able to access the crew manifest. I'd like you to coordinate getting everyone back to their proper quarters and duty stations."
He nodded. "Kathryn, are you sure -- "
"I'm fine, Commander, thank you." She sat down behind her desk and reached for a PADD. "Dismissed."
* * *
The doors to Sickbay had never looked quite so…imposing before.
They were nothing more that two slabs of gray metal. Cold. Inanimate. Lifeless.
Nevertheless, they seemed to be taunting her, daring her to approach them. The Captain took another step forward, but then stopped again. Whether or not the doors were really defying her to pass, what lay behind them was real enough.
Her memories.
Her life.
And she wasn't entirely sure she wanted them back.
As long as she was standing in the corridor, she was Kathryn. Just a woman on a starship. But if she went through those doors, she would have to become Captain Janeway. A leader, a commander…and a person responsible for stranding 144 people half a galaxy away from their homes.
The corridor was safe -- no responsibility, no guilt.
But you couldn't always play it safe. Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and boldly strode through the Sickbay doors.
As soon as he saw her, the Doctor approached with a smile. "Captain, I believe this is the first time you've ever been early for one of our appointments."
"I'll have to take your word for it. Can we get started?"
"Of course. Right this way," he said, motioning towards a nearby biobed. "Make yourself comfortable."
She sat on the edge of the biobed, then swung her legs up and laid back. The Doctor positioned a scanner above her forehead and took some readings with his tricorder.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, reveling in the last few minutes of innocence and ignorance that would be hers.
He must have noticed that she was uneasy, because she felt his hand on her shoulder. She opened her eyes.
"There's no need to be nervous, Captain. I'm merely going to undo the effects of the neurogenic field and restore the neurotransmitter activity in your hippocampus." When it appeared that she was not comforted by this information, he continued, "I'm sure it will be successful. I've already restored the memories of nearly a third of the crew."
"I'm not worried that it won't work, Doctor," she said softly. "I'm worried that it will."
He frowned, surprised. "I don't understand."
She smiled sadly. "From what little I've found out already, I'm not sure I will be able to cope with remembering everything."
He smiled fondly. "Captain, you're one of the strongest people I know. You've had to deal with more in the past few years than most people would in two lifetimes. I'm sure you'll be just fine."
She turned her head in his direction, moved by his confidence. "Thank you."
The Doctor reached for a hypospray. "I have to sedate you for the procedure."
She nodded her acceptance, and he applied the hypospray to her neck with a soft hiss.
"You'll be flooded with a huge amount of information when you regain consciousness. It will probably be quite disorienting."
"Understood."
"You'll be unconscious for only a matter of minutes."
She nodded, feeling the sedative working its way through her body. Her eyelids slowly drooped once, then twice, then closed as she slipped into unconsciousness.
She felt like she was floating somewhere, or underwater perhaps. It was warm, comfortable, and safe. She could hear sounds, but they were distant echoes, completely indistinguishable. Eventually, one of the sounds became clearer and she gradually became aware of the Doctor's voice.
"Captain? Can you hear me?"
She took a deep breath and her eyes fluttered open. She saw the Doctor leaning over her. She let her eyes roam around, taking in the Sickbay roof above her. Her head was pounding -- it felt like she had a massive headache that was just dissipating.
"How are you feeling?"
Since she didn't really know how she was feeling, she didn't answer and instead tried to sit up. Everything seemed to swim around her, and the Doctor reached out to steady her by the arm.
"Take it easy, Captain. It will take a few minutes for the effects of the procedure to wear off."
She nodded and put a hand to her head. Just as the dizziness passed, she was overwhelmed by a rush of emotions and memories. Her childhood. Starfleet Academy. Her father's death. Her first promotion. Her first command. Mark. Setting foot on Voyager.
Voyager.
The images came faster and clearer now. Going into the badlands. Trying to outrun the displacement wave. Explosions. Her first officer was dead. The Caretaker. Destroying the array. She gasped as she remembered what she had done.
The past few years flew by in a matter of seconds. Some good memories…some bad. She was inexplicably drawn to the bad memories: losing crewmembers, being under attack, feeling alone and isolated.
She felt someone gently shake her by the shoulder. "Captain?"
Snapped out of her reverie, she finally looked up at the Doctor. By the look on his face, she must have been absorbed by her own thoughts for longer than it seemed.
"I…I'm fine, Doctor."
He removed his hand from her shoulder. "Do you remember anything?"
She nodded. "Everything. I…" She froze, and every last ounce of color drained from her face.
"Captain?"
She quickly regained some semblance of composure and smiled. "I'm just a little disoriented, that's all."
He nodded. "I recommend you get some rest."
To his amazement, she didn't argue, merely nodded and jumped off the bed. "Thank you, Doctor."
"Captain?"
She turned around.
"It's good to have you back."
Her eyes darted to the ground, then she looked back at him and smiled sadly before turning around again and leaving Sickbay.
The corridor was no longer a safe haven -- she could hear but not see some of the crew approaching. She turned and quickly made her way to the turbolift and waited impatiently for it to open. When it did, she stepped in quickly.
"Deck three."
As soon as the doors were shut, she reached out with one hand to steady herself and used her other hand to cover her mouth in horror. She had been afraid that the memories of Voyager becoming stranded in the Delta quadrant would be too much for her to handle. Instead, it was her behavior over the past few days that shocked her.
What had she done?