DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God. All hail Paramount. They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go. All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).
COURTING DISASTER
CHAPTER FOUR: VISIONS
Chakotay looked up at his reflection in the mirror lost in thought, water still dripping off his face. He turned his head to the side and ran his fingers over the lines of his tattoo. At least his reflection was familiar again.
His hands braced on either side of the sink, he bowed his head down again. The knot in his stomach hadn't gone away since he had regained consciousness in Sickbay. In fact, it was getting worse the longer he went without talking to her about it.
It was obvious that Kathryn was avoiding him, but he wanted to postpone their conversation as well so he made no attempt to confront her.
He knew what she was going to say when they had that inevitable conversation. He had gone over her arguments a million times already in his head. She felt that a relationship would interfere with her duties. As Captain, it would be inappropriate for her to be involved with someone under her command. Their command relationship had to be protected at all costs. A personal life was a luxury she could not afford. If it didn't work out, it would have a detrimental effect on their ability to command the ship together.
He sighed. He knew all the arguments by heart, just as he knew that when he finally confronted her she would end their brief affair.
He could still picture how she looked first thing in the morning. He remembered every inch of her body and how soft her skin felt under his fingertips. It was ironic -- he had been unable to appreciate what he had until it was gone. When they were together he couldn't remember longing for her. And now…not knowing if he would ever be able to hold her in his arms again…it was almost too painful to think about.
He slowly reached for a towel and dried his face, then turned around and waked back into the main living area. His gaze fell on his medicine bundle, still sitting on top of his dresser were Kathryn had left it. He picked it up and turned it over in his hands thoughtfully, then walked over to the middle of the room and sat down, unrolling the bundle in front of him.
He placed the items in a semi-circle on the fur, then put his hand on the akoonah and closed his eyes, gradually slowing his breathing.
"A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of my people. But I ask that one powerful creature will help me find the answers I seek."
When he felt the warm breeze on his face, he opened his eyes and found himself on the cliffs not far from the home where he grew up. He rose from the ground and inhaled deeply before starting up the path in search of his animal guide.
When he heard the screech of the hawk, he looked up and saw her circling above him. He watched her graceful flight as she slowly drew nearer to the ground, finally settling on a rock a few meters away.
When he drew closer, the hawk stared at him with her bright yellow eyes, and he heard her words in his mind.
"It has been a long time, Chakotay."
He nodded and sat down on a rock opposite the one on which she was perched.
"You are troubled."
"Yes."
"You carry anger with you."
"Yes."
"I had thought those days were behind you, Chakotay. Are you angry with yourself?"
"Yes," he said, then, "No. That's why I've come to seek your guidance."
"Tell me what troubles you."
"We encountered a spatial anomaly that erased our memories. Everything about who we are, where we were from…it was all gone."
"The past is what shapes us. That must have been difficult for you and your crew. Is that what is troubling you?"
"No."
"Then what?"
"Through the entire experience, the only thing that was familiar was Kathryn. Everything was foreign and strange except her. I knew that she was a part of my life. She felt the same way about me."
"The heart is often a better guide than the mind. It is less easily fooled by the outside world."
"Having one thing that feels familiar in such confusion was…I can't even begin to describe it. It was…something to cling to in a sea of chaos. Before we regained our memories, we were together."
"And this disturbs you?"
"No, it was…the most incredible experience of my life. But now that we've regained our memories…"
"You believe she will push you away."
"I know she will." He sighed. "I've been trying to avoid it, but it's inevitable."
"And you seek peace."
"My peace is with her. It has been for a long time now. Now that we've been together, I don't think I can be satisfied with anything less."
"You want to find peace and be with her. Perhaps you will have to be satisfied with peace alone."
He frowned, frustrated by the riddle. "I don't understand. She brings me peace."
"You are not the only one who needs peace, Chakotay. You must find another path."
"I don't know how."
"There are many paths to what you seek. If one closes, you must take another."
"Being with Kathryn brought me peace. I don't know how I can have one without the other."
"Yes, you do. You just don't want to face it."
"Tell me."
"You know what you must do."
With that, the hawk spread her wings and took to the air, disappearing before Chakotay had even jumped to his feet.
Still feeling restless, he started back down the path. He remembered his vision quests when he was a child. His guide had often spoken in riddles and then left, frustrating him to no end.
Before he had gone very far, he heard the voice of his animal guide, hollow and fleeting as if carried on the wind.
"How easily you forget your own words, Chakotay."
He opened his eyes and found himself back in his quarters.
* * *
Holding her well worn coffee cup in her hands, the Captain drummed her fingers on it absentmindedly as she stared out the window of her ready room. All the warmth had long ago escaped the liquid inside, but she was holding the cup more out of habit than anything else.
She still hadn't recovered from the shock she had received in Sickbay. She and Chakotay had actually… She closed her eyes, trying to force herself not to think about it, but it didn't work and she smiled to herself. The past few days had been one of the most incredible experiences of her life. She could still remember the feel of his strong hands as they ran across her body and the way he had whispered her name in her ear when they --
She opened her eyes and stepped back from the window. No. She couldn't allow herself to think like that. She had no choice. There was no way it could continue. It couldn't work. She wouldn't let it.
She knew he would not agree, she knew she would have to be the one to end it, and she knew that he would accept her decision…reluctantly, but eventually.
She wasn't sure he would be able to maintain their friendship and forget what happened. For that matter, she wasn't sure that she could either. But she had no choice…right?
"I don't have a choice," she told herself, as if saying it out loud would make her accept it. She was the Captain. She could not be involved with a member of her crew. Even if she had…feelings for him.
She snorted to herself. "Feelings for him"? That was putting it mildly. She had known him, worked side by side with him, for almost seven years, but it felt like she had known him her whole life. He was a part of her. It was like they were joined spiritually, like their minds were connected, like their hearts were intertwined. And that was before they had been together. Together in every way that two people could be together.
She was startled when the door to her ready room chimed. "Come."
Seven of Nine entered, looking uncomfortable.
"Seven. What can I do for you?"
Seven stood with her hands clasped behind her back. "I believe I owe you…an apology."
"Oh?" She moved over to lean forward on the railing that divided the ready room. "For what?"
"I assumed command when I had no right to."
"You had no way of knowing, Seven."
Seven raised an eyebrow. "I disregarded your suggestions."
She smiled. "I'll admit your command style could use some work, but you had the best interests of the crew at heart."
"You are not offended by the way I treated you and the others?"
"Consider it forgotten."
"Thank you, Captain."
She looked at the ex-drone with concern. "How are you holding up?"
Seven frowned in confusion. "Captain?"
"Have you had any more nightmares?"
Seven glanced down at the ground. "I'll manage."
"I know how traumatic the memories of your assimilation are for you. If you want to talk, you know where to find me."
"Thank you." With that, Seven turned and left, leaving the Captain alone with her thoughts in the silent room.
Alone. She had never realized how truly alone she was until she had entered her quarters after her memories had been restored. They had never seemed so empty before, but with the memory of Chakotay's presence in her life so fresh in her mind, she felt like she had never really had anything but loneliness since the day they were stranded in the Delta quadrant. He filled a part of her life, a part of herself, that she didn't realize was missing until it was suddenly there. How ironic -- she found a part of her life that was missing while the rest of her life was gone…and now that she had the rest back, he was gone.
But he only had to be gone if that was what she wanted. Or rather, if that was what she chose.
She closed her eyes. She couldn't think like that. There was no other way.
Best to get it over with. She hit her commbadge.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
There was a short pause before he answered, and she could hear the hesitation in his voice. Go ahead.
"Could I see you in my ready room? It's important."
She thought she heard him sigh over the comm. I'll be right there.
She paced back and forth. At first, it felt like it was taking him forever to get there, but when the chime on the door sounded she immediately wished it had taken him longer.
"Come," she called as she turned away from the window.
He stepped through the doors, and as soon as their eyes met she realized that he knew what to expect from her. She wordlessly motioned her head towards the couch, and he passed her and took a seat. She set her coffee down on the table, then leaned forward on the railing that divided the room.
"I don't know where to start," she admitted quietly after a minute, standing up and turning around to face him.
He looked at her in silence.
"Commander, I --"
Anger suddenly rose in his chest and he interrupted her. "Can't you even bring yourself to say it? Kathryn?"
She held up her hand. "You're right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" She took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut.
He regretted his outburst. He had intended to be calm and rational since that would increase the likelihood of him getting through to her, but her addressing him by his rank had been such a sign of coldness from her that he had been unable to hold his tongue.
"Chakotay…we weren't ourselves. What happened between us was the result of the situation, nothing more."
"You don't honestly believe that."
Taken by surprise, she stared at him in stunned silence before she managed a reply. "I…whether I believe it or not doesn't matter. It can't continue."
"Why? Your ideas of protocol and what you think you have to deny yourself for this crew?"
"And you think I should just ignore protocol and the welfare of this crew just because of one…fling when we had no memory of each other?"
He shook his head in disbelief, his intention of remaining calm forgotten. "Did it mean anything to you at all?"
She looked away momentarily, but soon turned back to him with a remote stare, her expression devoid of emotion.
He looked at her with wonder -- he could barely keep himself from either throwing something at her or kissing her, but she was in full Captain mode. Detached, aloof, emotionless. Business as usual.
"How can you be so cold about this?" he asked her quietly.
For an instant, when he said that, he saw a crack in her resolve. The façade was broken. The slight parting of her lips would have been enough, but he managed to glimpse the painful expression in her eyes in the second before she looked away. When she met his gaze again, she was in control, but the damage was done.
"It was a mistake," she said. If it weren't for the gap in her emotional hold he had just witnessed, the slight waver in her voice might have gone unnoticed.
"A mistake?" he repeated. "You think of it as a mistake?"
"If it's going to cost us our friendship? I certainly do consider it a mistake." She looked at him carefully. "Is it going to cost us our friendship, Chakotay?"
He saw the flash of pain and regret in her eyes again, and he realized how much this was costing her. Having to be the Captain, having the responsibility, being forced to make the decisions.
He wanted to reassure her that he would always support her, but he wasn't sure he could honestly remain close friends with her without being constantly tortured about what might have been. She might be satisfied with that, but he…
Suddenly, it dawned on him. What his animal guide had meant.
It took a few seconds to steel himself for what he had to do. It was going to be painful, but…he had to do it. For her.
He took a deep breath. "Of course it's not going to cost us our friendship. You're absolutely right. I know that nothing can happen between us now. It would be completely inappropriate."
Her reaction was completely unexpected. He thought she would smile in relief, touch his arm like she always did, and ask him to join her for coffee. Instead, she looked like he had slapped her in the face.
"Kathryn? Are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm…I'm fine. I'm just surprised." She gave him a little smile. "I thought it would be harder to convince you than this."
"Is there anything else?"
"No," she said, too surprised to even try and think of anything else she needed from him.
He nodded and rose to leave. Before he made it to the door, he turned back around. "Kathryn?"
"Hm?"
"If it's all right with you…" He smiled fondly. "I'm not going to remember the past few days as a mistake."
She took a deep breath and nodded, trying to return his smile, and he turned and left.
She watched the doors close behind him and leaned forward again on the railing.
"Neither will I."
* * *
Eating dinner in the mess hall with Tom, B'Elanna glanced up and saw Harry moving towards their table. "So, Harry," she said as he sat down. "Did you do anything to tarnish your squeaky clean reputation while you were an amnesiac?"
"What? No, of course not," he said, not understanding that she was joking.
"You and Seven seemed to work pretty close together," said Tom with a grin.
Harry glared at him. At least this time he had something to bargain with to get Tom to shut up. "I'm sure B'Elanna's pleased that the Delaney sisters were able to resist your charms."
B'Elanna set her fork down and turned to Tom with a raised eyebrow. "You were hitting on the Delaney sisters?"
Tom cried out at such a horrendous suggestion. "No! Well…maybe just a little."
"The Delaney sisters?" she repeated.
"And Lieutenant Nicoletti," continued Harry. "And Ensign Sharr. I think I heard Crewman Celes mention something about meeting you for dinner."
B'Elanna glared at Tom.
"What?" he protested. "I couldn't remember you. And maybe I would have flirted with you too if you weren't so busy arguing with the entire engineering staff."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. I'm just saying that you had more on your mind that submitting to the charms of certain handsome pilots."
She was about to retort when she noticed Chakotay eating by himself in a corner. "What's eating him?" she asked, motioning towards him.
Harry turned around in his seat. "What?"
"I can't remember the last time I've seen him so…depressed."
"He looks fine to me," said Tom.
"I've known him longer. Something's definitely bothering him." She pushed her chair back from the table. "I'm going to go see what's wrong."
"I'll meet you on the holodeck later?" asked Tom.
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather meet the Delaney sisters?"
"No, just you."
She accepted his peace offering. "1900 hours."
She walked over to Chakotay's table and stood opposite him, but he seemed to be absorbed in whatever he was reading on his PADD.
"Mind if I join you?" she asked when he still hadn't noticed her.
He looked up, startled, then nodded and motioned to the empty chair. "Something on your mind?" he asked as she sat down.
"I was going to ask you the same question."
He frowned. "What makes you say that?"
"You've been quiet since we all got our memories back. What -- did you do something disreputable while under the influence of that anomaly?"
She was joking, but she saw by the surprised look on his face that she must have hit the mark. She raised her eyebrows. "You did, didn't you?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Come on, Chakotay." She glanced around to make sure they wouldn't be overheard, then leaned forward across the table. "Who was she?"
He got that surprised look on his face again, and she sat back in her chair in disbelief. "That's it, isn't it? You got involved with somebody and now you regret it."
He shook his head with a chuckle. "You've been hanging around Tom for too long, B'Elanna." With that, he gathered up his PADDs and left the table.
She turned around in her chair and watched him leave. She saw Tom and Harry looking at her questioningly, but she merely shrugged.
Chakotay waited until he had left the mess hall before he let out the breath he had been holding. He would have to be more careful around the crew. The only thing that could possibly make the situation worse would be if anyone else found out about it.
When he entered his quarters, his eyes roamed around the room, seeking his medicine bundle. Without hesitating, he walked across the room and grabbed it, then settled himself on the floor and unrolled it.
He placed his hand on the akoonah.
"A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of my people. But I ask, on this day of confusion and sadness, that one creature will come to me and help me find the answers I seek."
He soon found himself on the familiar cliffs, and saw his animal guide perched nearby, watching him. He acknowledged her with a nod and took a seat on the ground, looking out over the cliffs.
The scene was not as he remembered it from his childhood, with the village in the distance and people moving about. Nor was it as he had seen it on his last visit, with charred houses, blackened bodies, and devastation everywhere. It was as nature had made it, untouched and unscarred by human hands. Or Cardassian disruptors.
"You are unsettled, Chakotay."
He turned away from his contemplation of the scene to look at the hawk. "I spoke with Kathryn."
"I see."
"I was right. She was going to put a stop to our involvement. I did what you suggested."
The bird seemed amused. "And what was that?"
"I told her that what had happened between us couldn't continue…before she had a chance to do it herself."
"I don't recall saying any such thing."
Chakotay smiled. "You said there was more than one way to find peace and that I had forgotten my own words."
"And did you remember them?"
He got a faraway look in his eyes as he recited the words by heart. "The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that day on, her needs would come first. And in that way, he began to know the true meaning of peace."
He could tell that she was pleased, but then she looked at him carefully. "And yet you are not at peace."
He sighed and looked down at the ground. "No."
"And neither is she."
His head snapped up. "What? How can you know that?"
"I know many things."
"But if this didn't bring her peace, then why…I only did it to spare her the pain of having to end our involvement herself."
"Perhaps because it was the one true path to peace. Perhaps because this is the way it has to be."
"I refuse to accept that."
The hawk smiled. "Good."
Without warning, she spread her wings and took to the sky without another word. She was out of sight by the time he looked up to catch a glimpse of her. He looked after her in puzzlement -- that was the second time in a row that she had left abruptly before his quest was completed. After remaining where he was for a few minutes, he rose and moved down the path.
When he walked around a bend in the trail, he stopped in his tracks. He saw something that he had never seen before in a vision quest.
Another animal guide.
It was a small lizard, sunning itself on a rock. He was inexplicably drawn to it, and he walked over to kneel down next to the rock where the lizard was sitting.
He observed the creature in silence for a few minutes. Its skin was a soft green color and as he watched it the lizard turned its head and looked at him. He could see intelligence in its bright yellow eyes.
"Hello," he said.
The lizard cocked her head and looked at him for a few seconds before slinking backwards on the rock away from him.
"She runs from you, Chakotay."
He turned his head around to see his animal guide perched on a desiccated tree stump nearby before he looked back at the lizard.
"You have nothing to fear from me," he told the lizard.
Behind him, the hawk laughed. "No, Chakotay. She fears herself."
Chakotay slowly extended his hand, and after a few seconds the lizard tentatively moved towards him. Timidly, the animal placed one foot on his hand, then scampered up so she was entirely on his hand and forearm.
He smiled. "See?" he told her. "I won't hurt you."
Although the clammy skin of the lizard on his hand did not feel familiar, there was something familiar about the way the lizard touched him, the feeling he got from it.
His lips parted and he spoke to his animal guide without taking his eyes off the creature sitting in his hand.
"This is Kathryn's guide," he whispered.
"Very perceptive, Chakotay."
"How?"
"Do you really need me to explain it to you?"
He shook his head. "No."
He knew how this was possible. He and Kathryn were connected in a way that defied explanation. He understood her, trusted her, in a way he had never felt about anyone. They were two parts of the same soul, and the more he thought about it the more it seemed completely natural for him to be able to be able to see her spirit guide.
"Does Kathryn have the ability to see you?"
"If she chooses to. If she lets you in."
Chakotay nodded and reached over to run a finger along the lizard's back.
The emotions hit him like a plasma discharge. Despair. Sadness. Betrayal. Longing. And loneliness. God, such loneliness.
As the emotions continued to flow, he knew instinctively who they belonged to.
"Kathryn," he breathed.
He turned to the hawk. "Is this…did I do this? By…by telling her I didn't think we should be involved?"
The bird would not answer him.
"I have to help her," he said forcefully, still aching with the pain, Kathryn's pain, that was reverberating in his chest.
"She must help herself, Chakotay." said the hawk. "But perhaps you can help her find her path."
"How?"
"You have the answer before you."
He looked back at the lizard. Kathryn's lizard. Reaching back to the rock, he allowed the creature to crawl off his hand. He ran a finger along its back before he stood up and faced his animal guide again.
"She seeks peace, Chakotay," said the bird. "As do you."
* * *
Kathryn looked up from her work, startled. She glanced around her quarters warily. They were quiet and empty, but she had just had the distinct feeling that there had been somebody else there with her. She looked at her shoulder, and slowly reached up to touch it. She could have sworn that Chakotay had just been standing behind her and had put her hand on his shoulder. It had felt so reassuring…but it must have been just her imagination.
She turned her attention back to the PADD in her hands, but her eyes moved over the page mechanically without taking any of the information in. When she reached the end of the report and realized she had no idea what it was about, she set it aside with a sigh and leaned back in her chair.
This is hopeless, she thought. She was far too preoccupied to get any work done.
She tilted her head back on the chair and stared up at the ceiling. She hadn't been able to get her mind off her conversation with Chakotay in her ready room since it had happened.
When those words had come out of his mouth, telling her he didn't think they should be together…she could barely find the words to describe her reaction. Inexplicably, she had felt like she had been punched in the stomach. She still didn't understand why -- that was what she had wanted, wasn't it? For him to accept it without a fight? She had called him there to tell him exactly what he had said…so why did she feel like her world had fallen out from under her?
A small voice in the back of her head whispered the answer -- because she hadn't truly wanted to tell him it was over. But what she wanted didn't matter. She was the Captain.
Unfortunately, those words that had been her mantra for the past six years failed to give her any comfort, and every time she heard his words echoing in her ears she got the same sharp stab of pain in her chest. The whole thing had happened so fast, and she was still at a loss to understand what had possessed him to tell her that their continued involvement would be inappropriate.
That thought gave her a small glimmer of clarity. That was partly what was bothering her -- he agreed with her. His support gave her confidence in every matter but this one. Despite the fact that he had always respected her choice, she knew he didn't agree that a relationship would in any way hinder her ability to command the ship. His opposition, although silent, was normal; she was used to it. But now…such a drastic about-face on his part made her stop and reconsider her own position.
She knew she loved him. If she hadn't known it before, she knew it now. The memory of the few days, and nights, they had shared together had made it infinitely more difficult and painful to push him away. It had also made it harder for her to pull herself away from her situation. After six years, she had become adept at splitting herself in two, separating the Captain from Kathryn. She had learned to do that very early in their journey. It was the only way she could avoid becoming paralyzed by emotion.
The chime on her doors startled her from her thoughts. "Come in."
She was both relieved, surprised, and upset when Chakotay entered. She immediately noticed he was carrying something.
"What's this?" she asked, pushing her chair back from her desk and rising to meet him.
"My medicine bundle." His eyes ran over her face, scrutinizing her carefully. "I thought you might like to borrow it."
Surprised, she had to think for a moment. "I…would like that."
He turned it over in his hands. "After the past few days, I think we could all use some peace of mind."
She reached over to run her hand over the bundle. "It's been years…I'm not sure I remember how."
He knew instantly what she was asking. "I could stay and guide you."
She smiled at how easily he interpreted the meaning behind her words. "Thank you."
He followed her over to the couch near the window, and she sat down in front of it with her legs crossed. He seated himself across from her and rolled out the medicine bundle in between them, spreading the items out in a semi-circle. He placed the akoonah in front of her, and she laid her hand on it.
"Ready?"
She nodded.
"A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. But perhaps there is one powerful being who will embrace this woman and give her the answers she seeks. Let your eyes close. Breath deep to fuel the light in your belly. Let it expand and grow until the light is everywhere. Leave this room, this ship and seek out the place where you were the most content and peaceful you have ever been. Feel it, hear the sounds of this place."
She was sitting quietly with her eyes closed, her breathing slow and rhythmic.
"Are you there?"
He saw her smile. "Yes."
She looked around the familiar scene fondly. The surf was crashing against the beach, and the sun was hanging in the horizon over the water. There was a warm breeze blowing off the water, gently blowing through her hair. The rhythmic crashing of the waves was relaxing, and she took in the scene for several minutes before she heard the voice.
"Hello, Kathryn."
She turned around to the rocky cliffs behind the beach. The lizard, looking exactly as she had remembered it, was sitting on a small rock near a rise in the sandy ground.
"Hello," she replied, moving towards the creature.
"It is a long time since you have visited here."
She thought. "Almost six years, I imagine."
"Time has no meaning for me, but six years is a long time for you."
She nodded, but paused, uncertain how to proceed. "Do you know about…me, my crew? Where we are, what's happened to us?"
"Why don't you tell me," said the lizard, not answering the question.
"About anything in particular?"
"Anything you wish to speak of. Yourself, your past, your crew. Whatever you choose."
Taking a deep breath, she took a seat with her back against another rock and her knees pulled up to her chest. "I don't know where to begin."
"Start at the beginning. The first thing that comes to mind."
The scene before her stirred an old memory. "The last time I came here," she smiled. "Chakotay offered to help me contact my animal guide. I was intrigued, really. And God knows I needed someone to talk to back then." She closed her eyes, and spoke as the thoughts came to her. "Voyager was exploring a nebula…except it turned out to be a lot more than a nebula."
She lost track of time as she followed her meandering train of thought, telling the small creature about anything and everything that came to mind. Anomalies she and her crew had encountered, aliens they had met, the day they made contact with home, her observation of Tom and B'Elanna's deepening relationship, Seven of Nine's quest to regain her individuality, the Borg children departing, Kes leaving the ship, the Void. And a lot that had happened in between.
Eventually, her thoughts trailed off and she sat in silence for a few minutes.
"You have been through a great deal," said the lizard.
"That's putting it mildly."
"It has been difficult for you."
"It's been difficult for everyone on my crew."
"Others on your crew have someone they can turn to. You have built walls to keep others away."
She looked up, startled. "I talk to Tuvok…to Chakotay."
"Talking does not mean you let them in or are any less alone. To do that, you must allow yourself to feel."
"I don't have that luxury. I'm the Captain. I'm supposed to be detached."
"That is not possible for anyone."
"I beg to differ. Vulcans do it quite well."
"Vulcans meditate and acknowledge their emotions. They balance feeling with control, instead of just denying that the emotions exist at all. And you, Kathryn Janeway, are not Vulcan."
She heaved a deep sigh.
"Your emotions run deep. They are powerful, yet you ignore them. Why?"
"Because I have to."
"No. That is merely what you tell yourself."
She didn't answer and instead turned her head to look at the waves break on the sandy beach. She watched each new wave slowly build up in the surf, then break open in a foaming burst of white bubbles and crash on the shore, spreading out and becoming indistinguishable from the rest of the waves. The lizard's voice interrupted her thoughts before long.
"This is not where you want to be."
She turned her head to look at her. "What do you mean?"
"Do you remember how you were instructed to choose a place for your quest?"
She thought for a moment. "Chakotay said to go to the place where I was the most content and peaceful I had ever been."
"Why do you think you came here?"
She looked back out at the ocean with a smile. "I used to come here with my father when I was a child. Just the two of us. He said it was our special place. We would sit on the beach for hours, just talking or watching the waves and the birds. This is where I decided I wanted to be a Starfleet officer, just like him."
"And this is where you were the happiest?"
She looked back at the animal. "Yes."
The guide shook her head sadly. "Even here, in meditation, you will not admit it to yourself."
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean."
She stared at the small creature in frustration. "Do you always talk in such riddles?"
"I am here to guide you, Kathryn, nothing more. But you can ask me a question if it will make you feel better. I know that is how you like things to be."
"Fine. Where was I the happiest?"
"Only you have the answer to that."
She rolled her eyes.
"You would not believe me even if I told you," continued the lizard.
"Try me."
"You cannot take the easy path, Kathryn. You must discover it yourself."
She sighed and sat in silence before what was really on her mind finally made it to the forefront of her thoughts.
"Can I ask you something about…someone else?"
"You can ask me what you will. I may or may not answer."
"Does…" She paused. "My crew and I…our memories were wiped. Before we regained them, Chakotay and I were involved."
"This upsets you."
"It upsets me because…because it could cost us our friendship. I was going to end it, but before I got the chance…he told me he didn't think we should be involved anymore." She took a deep shaky breath. "I need to know…have his feelings for me changed?"
"If you can never be together, what does it matter?"
"I need to know."
"Will it be easier to ignore your feelings if you know he no longer returns them?"
"No…I mean…" She took a deep breath. "I need to hold out some kind of hope, to believe in the possibility, however slim, that someday we could have a future together."
The lizard smiled. "At last you are honest with yourself."
"I need to hold onto that," she said emotionally, tears stinging her eyes. "Have his feelings changed?"
"You must determine that for yourself. I do not have all the answers you seek. I only help you find those answers yourself."
Before she had a chance to say another word, the lizard scampered off. She opened her eyes, and found herself back in her quarters.
Chakotay reached over and rested a hand on her knee. "Kathryn?"
She merely nodded, feeling exhausted. She reached behind her, trying to use the couch to push herself into a standing position, but the room started spinning around her and she felt her legs give out from under her before she sat back on the floor, disoriented.
She felt Chakotay's hands on her shoulders, steadying her. When the pounding in her head passed, she opened her eyes to see him kneeling in front of her. She saw his lips moving before she became aware of him speaking.
"Kathryn? Are you all right?"
She put a hand to her head and nodded before trying to stand up again.
He gently held her down, his hands still on her shoulders. "Just sit still for a moment until it passes."
"What happened?"
"Probably just an after effect of the vision quest. It happens to me sometimes when I stay as long as you did."
She removed her hand from the side of her head and looked up at him. "How long?"
"Almost two hours."
Her eyes widened. "That long?" she blurted. "Chakotay, I'm sorry, I had no idea. You didn't need to stay."
"I'm glad I did. You don't look like you'd be very steady on your feet right about now. Did it help you at all?"
"A little." She smirked. "Does your animal guide always talk in riddles?"
He laughed. "Yes, unfortunately."
She noticed him still watching her with concern, and she reached over to pat him on the knee. "I'll be fine, really, Chakotay."
"Are you sure?"
She nodded. "And thank you. I appreciate the gesture."
He turned around and gathered up his medicine bundle. "Do you want me to leave this here?"
"No, that's all right."
He stood up, but turned around again before he left. "If you need anything, you know where to find me."
She smiled. "Thank you."
He held her gaze for a long time before he turned around and left her quarters.
She looked after him for what seemed like an eternity before she slowly leaned back against the couch. He had sat here for two hours, just to make sure she would be all right. A smile slowly crossed her lips as she remembered the concern in his eyes, the tenderness in his touch, the warmth in his voice.
She had her answer.
* * *
Captain Janeway rolled over from her side onto her back on the bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. She lifted her arm up and rested it across her forehead as she sighed. After laying still for a few more minutes, she threw the covers off and rose, pulling a robe around her as she made her way over to her desk. She sat down and pulled a stack of PADDs towards her.
She barely even got through the first paragraph of Harry's operations report before she set the PADD down and leaned forward on her elbows, her head in her hands. She sighed in frustration -- she wasn't able to work any more than she was able to sleep. It felt like her brain was racing at warp 9 in every direction at once, except for the fact that one thing was always on her mind -- Chakotay.
She wondered if another vision quest might help her clear her mind. She glanced at the chronometer. 0147. Chakotay was probably asleep.
However, his instructions to her from the other day were still fresh enough in her mind that she felt confident she could do it herself.
She pushed her chair back from her desk and moved over to the replicator. This was going to cost her a few replicator rations, but she would just have to put up with Neelix's coffee substitutes and whatever he cooked up for the next few weeks. If this gave her any kind of tranquility, it would be worth having to eat a little leola root.
She called up the replicator program for an akoonah, then replicated a piece of fur like Chakotay used for his bundle. That done, she gave some thought to what she would need in her medicine bundle. She tried to think about what Chakotay had told her about the objects in his bundle. He had never told her about them specifically, but he had mentioned once how a person was supposed to go about choosing objects for a medicine bundle. She moved towards the bedroom.
"Objects that define you," she muttered to herself. When she reached her bedroom, she put her hands on her hips and looked around. Her eyes fell on the holo-image of the senior staff on her dresser. She walked over and picked it up with a smile. "Well, I think this qualifies," she said to the empty room.
She tried to think of what else Chakotay had said. "You need something to ground you, remind you where you come from," she muttered.
After a few minutes of thought, she walked over and opened a drawer, rooting around until she found what she was looking for. She set the holo-image of the crew down to reach into the drawer and pull out the small flat glass case. Her father's Starfleet medals.
She had almost left them behind when she had left Earth for Deep Space Nine, but at the last minute she had thrown them in with the rest of her things. She was glad she had done that. At times, when she had doubts about her strict adherence to Starfleet protocols, she would pull out the medals and look at them. They never failed to give her new confidence in everything she stood for, all the ideals that had been passed on to her from her father.
She set the medals beside the image on top of the dresser, and she was just about to close the drawer when another object caught her eye. She pushed away a book that was laying on top of it. It was the old-fashioned pocket watch Chakotay had given her for her birthday. It must have been…almost three years ago, she thought. She picked it up and turned it over in her hand thoughtfully. She was at a loss to explain it, but she had always felt a deep connection to the watch. Chakotay had told her the story behind it, about Captain Cray and his lost ship, but she had a feeling that her attachment to the watch was due to more than the story, or even because it had been a present from Chakotay. It was as if there was something hidden inside it, something subtle yet powerful that eluded her. It was like a whisper in the back of her mind, telling her how lucky she was to have her crew while at the same time conveying a great sense of loss and sadness.
Making a decision, she picked up the watch and shut the drawer before gathering up the other two items.
She moved back into the main room and made herself comfortable on the floor so she was looking out the window at the stars streaking by. She laid the fur out on the floor in front of her, then placed the three items she had chosen in a semi-circle before setting the akoonah in front of her and placing her hand on it.
She took a deep breath. "A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the homes of our ancestors. We are far from the bones of our people. But I ask that one creature will seek me out and help me find the answers I need."
She took deep, slow breaths as Chakotay had taught her, relaxing and letting her mind drift.
Her success was first obvious by the sound of rustling leaves and the wind blowing against her face. This time, when she opened her eyes, she was not on the beach of her childhood. She appeared to be in some kind of forest, but it was not one that she immediately recognized. There was a light breeze blowing through the trees, and the branches swayed lightly in the wind.
She moved along the winding path among the trees, knowing instinctively where to go without having any idea where her steps were leading her. She didn't bother looking for her animal guide -- she knew the frustrating creature would turn up eventually.
Moving around a bend in the path, the trees thinned out and she approached a clearing. As soon as she cleared the edge of the forest and her eyes fell on the scene before her, she stopped in her tracks. Her eyes roamed over the shelter, the fledgling tomato plants, the bathtub.
"New Earth," she whispered.
"You're making progress, Kathryn. I did not think you would come here this quickly."
She turned to her left to see her guide sitting on a nearby rock. "Why am I here?"
"Because this is the place you chose."
"No," she said, shaking her head. "No. I wouldn't come back here."
"Because you have tried so hard to forget it?" The lizard laughed. "That does not mean it never happened or that it doesn't mean something to you."
Not bothering to answer, she walked towards the familiar shelter. It looked exactly as she remembered it.
"Of course it does."
She turned back to her guide with a raised eyebrow.
"This was all created by you," said the animal.
She ignored her and continued walking around the clearing that had been their home for over six weeks. An involuntary smile crossed her lips and she began to see why she had come here. Her guide was right -- despite everything that had brought them here, despite being left behind, and despite having to "define parameters"…she had been happy here. She remembered it vividly now, and wondered why it had taken her so long to recall it.
Then she remembered something else -- that faithful day when they had heard the static over their commbadges.
Instantly, the Starfleet Captain had taken over and Kathryn was forgotten. She was happy to be back on Voyager, because a Captain would never resent or regret being rescued, even deep down. What happened between her and Chakotay was nothing, because she was the Captain and he was her First Officer and that was the way things had to remain.
"Things have not changed, have they?"
She looked across the clearing at the lizard. "I'm sorry?"
"Doesn't that sound a little familiar? You are the Captain, he is your First Officer. The way things have to remain."
She sighed. "If it does…you're right. Nothing's changed."
"You have."
She finished her turn around the clearing, reaching the rock where the lizard sat patiently.
"Did you find the answers you sought?" asked the creature.
"About Chakotay?" Taking a seat on the ground with her knees pulled up to her chest and her back against a rock, she smiled. "Yes."
"Did the answer please you?"
She thought for a moment. "Yes and no. Yes because knowing how he feels gives me more strength and determination than he'll ever know. No because…it means we're back to the same old problems. Problems that all started right here when I tried to define parameters."
"You think of them as problems?"
"Yes. I haven't been able to sleep or think straight for days."
"The decision you have made troubles you."
She looked up, startled. "I…yes, I suppose it does."
"If something troubles you, perhaps it is because you have chosen the wrong path."
"No This was the only decision I could make."
The lizard smiled. "Does telling yourself that truly give you comfort?"
She sighed. "It used to."
"It does not any more?"
"Not really. I'm starting to wonder why I've really been pushing him away for so long. I know that it would be inappropriate for me to be involved with anyone under my command…but…"
"You wonder if that is reason enough."
"Yes."
"You feel it would be betraying Starfleet if you were involved?"
She considered. "No…I mean, I don't feel that strongly about…I wouldn't call it betrayal, exactly. It would be inappropriate…but betrayal? No."
"I see." The lizard appraised her. "And are your feelings for him strong enough to warrant a little impropriety?"
She closed her eyes with a sigh. "There's more to it than that…As Captain, I don't have the luxury of pursuing a personal relationship."
"You do not deny this to anyone else on your crew."
"They're not in command."
"And you are not capable of separating yourself from your emotions?"
"On the contrary, I…" Her eyes widened and her voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm quite good at it."
"What were your other reasons for your decision?"
"It wasn't even my decision this time."
"Wasn't it?"
"Chakotay was the one who told me it couldn't continue."
"And what would he have done if you had told him your true feelings and that you were prepared to look beyond your devotion to protocol?"
"I could never do that."
"That is not what I asked."
She closed her eyes as she realized the answer. "He would have…he would have agreed in a heartbeat."
"Then it was your decision, wasn't it."
"I…yes. I know he would never have said what he did if he had any idea how I felt."
"Doesn't he?"
"Know how I feel? He couldn't, or he would never have given up that easily…" She frowned. "Come to think of it, that's been bothering me ever since we spoke in my ready room…why did he end it?"
"Perhaps for the same reasons you have. For the good of the ship, the crew."
She shook her head. "No. I know he doesn't believe that. I just don't understand…I can tell his feelings for me haven't changed…so why did he tell me that what happened between us couldn't continue?"
"Does it matter? You said you were going to end it yourself."
"It matters."
"There is a difference between wanting and choosing."
She sighed. "I know that all too well." After a few seconds, the meaning of the words hit her. "Wait -- if he…then why?"
"The answer is in front of you."
She looked up from the ground at the shelter. A frown crossed her face as she thought. "Here? What does this have to do with anything?"
"Everything."
Frustrated by the riddle, she sighed and lowered her head, resting her forehead on her knees.
Suddenly, it hit her and her head snapped up. "Her needs come first," she whispered. She turned abruptly to the lizard. "That's it, isn't it?"
The lizard was infuriatingly silent, but her mind was racing and she barely noticed. Her thoughts returned to that day in her ready room. She remembered how he had been opposed to her at first, just like always. Something had changed his mind -- but what?
She remembered how hurt she had been when he had accused her of being cold. At the time, she had just assumed he had not noticed the slip in her composure, because she knew that he would have immediately jumped on any weakness he detected in her stance. But…what if he had? What if he had seen how painful it was for her…
Her eyes widened. "And done it himself," she whispered. She turned to the lizard. "He saw that I didn't want to have to end it, but that was what I needed. So he did it himself, to spare me the pain."
The lizard said nothing, but she didn't need her to. She knew she had the answer. "He did it for me," she said to herself. Tears sprung to her eyes. He loved her enough to give her up since he thought that was what she needed.
"Perhaps it was what you needed," said the lizard, interrupting her thoughts.
She considered that for a few minutes. "Maybe it was," she said quietly. "I wasn't ready to question my position, the boundaries I've set for myself, until…until now."
"And you do question them now?"
"Oh, yes. I think…I think it's time I put our needs above protocol. I need to move beyond that."
"Good."
A noise above her caught her attention and she looked up in the sky.
It was a hawk, circling above her.
She smiled, a smile then went right to her soul and shone through her eyes. "It's time we defined some new parameters."
* * *
Chakotay shifted in his bed, wondering if he was imagining things. No -- there it was again. A finger running across his cheek.
He reached up and grabbed the hand next to his face before slowly cracking his eyes open. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw her sitting on the bed next to his waist, wearing nothing but her nightgown and a thin robe. Her arm was across his chest and her hand was in his next to his cheek.
"Kathryn?" he said, releasing her hand. "What time is it?"
She moved her hand to the other side of his face and traced his tattoo with her finger. "It's late. Or should I say, early. I used my command override to let myself in."
"What are you doing here?"
She smiled alluringly. "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd go on a vision quest."
His mind still sluggish, he frowned in confusion. "You want to borrow my medicine bundle?"
"No. I…I think we need to talk."
He propped himself up on his elbows. "About what?"
"The conversation that we had in my ready room a few days ago."
He sighed. "Kathryn --"
"No, let me finish. What you did…means a lot to me. I want you to know that."
"What I…what do you mean?" he said, narrowing his eyes.
"I know that only said what you did about it being inappropriate for us to be involved because you wanted to spare me the pain of having to end it myself."
"How --"
She smiled. "I remembered a story you told me once." She reached over and laid her hand on his chest. "About an angry warrior who met a woman warrior. And put her needs first."
He finally smiled. "And in that way, he finally found the true meaning of peace."
Her smile matched his. "Well…maybe my needs have changed."
"Oh?"
She leaned over until her face was inches from his. "I need you."
"What about protocol? The crew?"
She leaned closer to him and smiled. "Chakotay. I feel closer to you than anyone I've ever known in my life. You've supported me, cared for me, for all these years and never asked a thing in return. I could not imagine not having you in my life. I love you."
He reached up to put a hand on the side of her face. "Kathryn…are you sure?"
"That depends."
"On what?"
"On you."
He knew instantly what she needed to hear. He moved his hand around to the back of her head, intertwining his fingers in her hair. "I love you, Kathryn, you know that."
He had never seen her smile like she did then. "Then nothing else matters."
"But what about --"
She put her fingers over his lips. "Nothing else matters." Her smile widened and she leaned forward, removing her fingers from his lips to kiss him. He reached over to pull her on top of him, and they rolled over on the bed, locked together, so that he was on top of her. When they broke apart, she smiled.
"I think your story needs an ending," she whispered.
"Oh?"
She smiled. "The woman warrior was proud, and stubborn, and she could not find peace. She caused the angry warrior much sorrow and sadness. But the woman warrior realized the error of her ways, and let her angry warrior into her heart." She reached up to trail her hand along the side of his face.
"And in that way, she finally found the true meaning of peace."