Hello! This is my very first Digimon fic! So please be gentle!
I'd really like to know your opinions about it. Please?
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Digimon.
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Decisions
Chapter 1: Ken's Decision
Three years have passed. And now, it's Christmas again. I remember, we were all here, in my room, myself still not believing they had accepted to come, even forgiven all I had done. For the first time, I wasn't alone anymore. But now, though the guilt has died down, I feel more alone than ever. There is this huge emptiness inside me, this longing and… it just hurts so much…
I love him. I can see that clearly in my soul. More than friendship, and gratitude, or guild towards him. Love. As deep and restless as the sea. As deep as only my pain. He will never love me.
But that doesn't stop me from yearning after him. His body, his hands, his eyes, his lips. God, how would it be like to feel his lips against mine? No, I mustn't think about that. I can't. Because I know he will never, ever, do that. He loves Yolei too much. Or will. I knew it, ever since I got to know these two, that they'll fall madly in love someday. It doesn't seem to have happened yet, but soon… And what will it be of me then? Just a leaf, blown in some direction by a changing gust of wind.
I look outside. The snowflakes shimmer through the air, taken by the wind in the most unexpected places. But still, one by one, they land near each other, together. Only I am alone. So alone… and lonely. Life is so unfair. I get to see him almost every day, but I cannot reveal my true feelings. It's so hard…
And I have no one to turn to. What would the other digidestined say if they knew? They'd probably go into shock. And consider me a freak. Funny, but I think they dealt easier with my being the DigimonKaiser, then they would with the fact that I'm gay. And in love with Davis. I'm scared that even him would be disgusted by me. That's why I can never tell him. Never.
And still…and still… sometimes I begin wondering, hoping--but no, no I must not allow myself to hope. Why would I? So my heart would be shattered into a million pieces?
This loneliness inside has made me think about suicide. It would be so easy to end everything. The pain, the loneliness, the need…But that would be cowardliness. This is the burden I must carry. Maybe I feel it's a punishment for my deeds. I have to stay in this world, even if only for my parents. I know they'd suffer too much if they lost their other son, too. And…Wormmon needs me also. I can't leave him. But then, what am I to do? My soul and my body scream the same thing: "Davis, I need you!" I can no longer stay in silence, suffering. I have to tell him. I owe him the truth. Davis!…
My mind is made up and my plan formed. For once I won't stay to think for hours about this and go tell him! I grab my jacket and leave the apartment, telling mom I'm going to Davis'.
~~~
So here I am, walking through the snow, the cold air freezing my face, my lungs, but not my heart.
I finally arrive at Davis'. I almost don't believe it, that I gathered up courage and came here. I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself and reach for the doorbell. My hand however moves more slowly than an oyster (and oysters don't move that much!). Somehow I manage to ring it and after a few moments a beautiful girl in a short tight black dress opens the door. She has sparkling black eyes and red hair.
"Hi, Jun!" I greet her.
"Oh, hi, Ken! How are you? Come in!" she says, smiling.
I try to smile back, but it's almost impossible. I say "Good evening" to the Motomiyas, whilst my heart seems to fall somewhere down in my shoes and go 160 beats a minute at the same time.
"Hi, Ken!"
I completely freeze at the sound of Davis' voice but manage to turn around, shivering and stuttering:
"Ahm…he-he-hello, Davis."
"Hey, what happened? Come into my room, so we can talk" he says with a worried look.
I take very little steps, as my heart is pounding in my chest even faster. Slowly, I reach the doorway and enter his room, gazing around to calm my nervousness. 'Maybe I should just stop. Maybe I'd better not tell him. Maybe…' My mind itself is undecided. I look at Davis, who is obviously more mature than three years ago, calmer, more self-conscious, more…attractive.
"What is it? Problems in the Digital World?" he asks.
I shake my head. It appears to me that I've lost my ability to speak and also my ability to breathe controlledly. I notice Davis' puzzled look and his even more concerned gaze, in which I feel I could lose myself.
"Then what is it?" he asks carefully. "Problems with your parents…with a friend? Be honest. You can trust me."
'But what if being honest destroys both our lives?' my mind wonders. My throat is so dry I can barely swallow.
"Davis" I reply hoarsely and take a step towards him. He looks at me strangely and my mind immediately panics: 'What are you doing? Stop! You're scaring him! Back to the plan!'
"Davis, I need to talk to you. Please, could you join me for a walk?" I utter, my eyes on the floor.
~~~
It's not snowing anymore and the evening is slowly descending over the city. Not many people around, actually. We're walking side by side in absolute quiet. My eyes are fixed upon my boots while I take small steps and deep breaths, trying to slow down the intense pounding of my blood in my entire body. I stop and raise my head so as to look Davis in the eyes. I think I'm trembling, but I'm not sure.
"Davis", I say more calmly then I expected, "we have to talk". There's a huge lump in my throat that I'm barely able to swallow. But I can't keep concealing the truth from him. Here goes!
"Davis, what I have to--no, what I feel I have to tell you--no ." Great! Now I'm babbling and making an idiot out of myself. I run my hands through my hair in exasperation and shoot a glance at Davis. He probably thinks I've gone crazy. Not that he'd be mistaken, but still…Now what should I do? I could run away, but that wouldn't help. Instead, I look up at the now starry sky and remember the Digiworld. This gives me new strength. I look the thoroughly confused Davis straight in the eyes and say:
"Davis, to put it as bluntly as can be, I'm in love with you."
He looks back at me for a few interminable seconds and I can tell that this particular piece of information hasn't been processed yet. Then…
"W-what?" What I see in his eyes, behind the surprise, is abhorrence and that makes my heart cringe. Tears well up in my eyes as I answer him:
"I love you, Davis."
"But-but…Why?"
"I don't know! How could I know?" Stupid, frustrating question! "You were the one to help me through everything, you were my first true friend. I felt your heart beat every time our digimon jogressed). Somewhere along that line I fell in love with you…"
"But I'm a boy…and you're a boy…this can't be!"
"I know", I reply quietly, "I've told myself that many times. Still it didn't help." I swallow hard and stare at some tree to my left so I don't start to cry. "I guess I'll go now. Good-bye, my friend…" And with that I turn and run, leaving Davis behind. I don't know if I did the right thing by leaving. I don't know if I did the right thing by telling him in the first place. I don't know anything, anymore!
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Well? What do you think? Review please! Just one word ! Please! Please! Please? (Yes, I know I'm pathetic! ^_^)