The funeral lasted for a long time, despite the few people who attended. Anya had had a short ceremony and now they stood gathered by Xander's grave. All who were there had spoken, except for Dawn. Xander's parents had spoken briefly and hadn't said anything that couldn't be applied to anyone's son.
Tara had gone first, talking about how brave he had been and how kind he had been to her when she had first gotten together with Willow. Cordelia, who came from Los Angeles, said she forgave Xander for everything that had happened between them. Giles went next, telling of how proud he was of the boy and ending with calling Xander his son. Willow had cried a lot during hers but told the story of how she had first met him.
Buffy went last.
She took a deep breath as she stood by his casket, before the others. "Instead of talking about Xander, I hope you don't mind if I talk to him instead." She turned to the casket where he lay, stiff and unmoving, so different form the boy he had been when he was alive. "Xander, I'm sorry. I'm sorry we didn't know enough about you. I'm sorry we drifted apart when me and Will went to college. And I'm sorry I took you for granted when you were alive. But you taught me an important lesson. I have to look at things more closely and not take things for granted." She looked down as tears ran down her cheeks. "A-and I just wanted to let you know," she added, with a tiny smile, "now that I think about it-I should have given us a chance. Not trying to love you was the biggest regret I've ever had but at least I realize it now. And maybe someday, I'll be at peace with that."
With that, she turned and rejoined the others.
The funeral ended a few minutes later and they slowly went to their cars. Cordelia hugged everyone goodbye before climbing into Angel's car and driving off.
Buffy drove Dawn home in silence while the others piled into Giles' rental car.
And when Xander suddenly appeared in front of the car, she slammed on the brakes and skidded to a halt on the side of the road.
+++
"Okay, I wasn't expecting to be in front of her car," Xander muttered as he hurried to the car to make sure Buffy and Dawn were okay.
He had been sitting underneath a tree at the edge of the cemetery, his own funeral going on a few feet away. He found a spell to make himself visible to people for forty-eight hours, as well as have solid form. That was all he wanted. He had cast the spell on himself and it went into effect just as Buffy began to drive away. Then he willed himself to her and found himself staring at her car heading straight for him.
Xander opened the driver's side door and Buffy stared at him, obviously shocked.
"Xan-Xander?" she mumbled, incredulously.
"In the flesh." He paused. "Well sort of."
Slowly, she climbed out of the car. "A-are you a vamp-?"
Xander shook his head. "Test me."
With trembling hands, Buffy pulled a cross out of her bag and pressed it against his arm. Nothing happened.
Meanwhile, Dawn had climbed out of the car and was tentatively approaching him.
"Are you really back?"
Xander paused. He suddenly realized the truth that was behind what the voice had told him. He would be going away again in two days. He would only be with them again for a short while and then he would be gone and they would have to hurt all over again.
Taking a deep breath, he shook his head slowly. "Only for forty-eight hours. Then it's back to..." He decided then to hide the fact that he was Buffy's guardian angel for a while. "Uh, well, you know." He pointed up.
"I-I don't understand," Buffy said as she climbed out of the car. "Why are you here?"
"Uh, well, I, uh," Xander stammered. "I, uh, talked to a few people because I, um, have some unfinished business to take care of."
You idiot, he thought, mentally smacking himself. This voice guy was right. This was a bad idea. I can't tell her why I'm here or who I am now.
"What kind of unfinished business?" Buffy questioned slowly.
"Oh, well, you know. Business. That needs to be finished." Xander cleared his throat. "Enough of the third degree. Listen, I realized that the others might be a little wigged as you guys were, so could you kind of keep this between us?" He looked alternately at each girl.
"I-I guess," Buffy replied. Dawn nodded.
Xander clapped his hands together. "Great! Excellent."
Suddenly, Buffy grasped him in a tight hug. "Oh God, I missed you."
Slowly, Xander brought up his arms around her, pressing his face into her hair. She smelled like raspberries. Her hair was soft and silky against his cheek. He closed his eyes, savoring the moment. "I missed you too."
When Buffy pulled away and looked up at him, there were tears in her eyes. "I-I just wish that you could stay."
Xander brushed a strand of hair from her eyes. "Me too." He had to use everything in him to keep himself from leaning over and kissing her. Her blue eyes glistened up at him.
Suddenly, it was all worth it.
+++
"Whatever it was, it wasn't worth it," Buffy said to Xander in hushed tones late that night.
Xander blinked. "What?"
Buffy was setting up a corner for him to sleep in for the night. The next day, he was going to go on his `mission'.
"Do you have any idea how much this is going to kill me and Dawn when you leave? You could have at least left her out of this."
Xander was completely taken aback. Before, Buffy had seemed so happy to see him. Now...
"But I-"
Buffy shook her head. "I don't even know how we're going to keep you from Willow and the others." She tossed a pillow into the corner then looked directly at him. "I don't even know what reason you could have possibly had that was so important for you to do this."
Xander looked right back at her. "I-I did it because..."
"Why? What's your unfinished business?"
"I'm in love you."
Buffy froze.
Xander immediately wished he could take the words back.
"What did you say?" Buffy whispered.
Xander looked down, scuffing his feet on the carpet. "Nothing."
"You said you were in love me. What did you mean?" Buffy took a step closer to him.
Xander shook his head. "I-I don't know. I was just...talking crazy."
"No you weren't." Buffy grabbed his hand and led him to the bed. "Xander, there's something you're not telling me. What is it?"
Xander looked into those eyes and knew he couldn't lie to her. He took a deep breath and told her the entire story.
A single tear ran down Buffy's cheek when he was done. Wordlessly, she pressed her lips against his. A bit shocked, Xander froze but after a second, kissed her back. They pulled away at the same time and just stared at each other.
"Xander, I'm so sorry," Buffy whispered, leaning her forehead against his. "I'm sorry I didn't realize what I had in you until now. When I read your will...and then Spike told me all that stuff...and finding out what was in the box for Willow and what you gave to Giles and Anya..." She shook her head. "Something happened. Something I never expected to happen. And the fact that you were protecting me the whole time that you were gone just..." She took a deep breath and let it out loudly.
"I'm sorry too," Xander replied. "I shouldn't have come back like this. I should have known how much it would have upset you and the others." He reached up to tenderly touch her cheek. "It's just..."
Buffy nodded. "I know. I understand now."
After a minute, Xander got up and started to go over to his corner. But Buffy grabbed his hand.
"Stay with me."
Surprised, Xander slowly climbed into bed next to Buffy. She wrapped his arms around him, resting her head against his shoulder. Xander put an arm around her, gently kissing her on the forehead just as he had done many nights before. Only this time, she knew.
Buffy fell asleep after a few minutes but Xander stayed wide awake the entire night, not needing sleep. And instead of watching her as usual, he thought.
He thought about what he was going to do. He didn't want to leave her. He couldn't. And after holding her and being this near to her, he couldn't go back to just watching her without her being able to see or hear him.
What am I going to do? he thought miserably throughout the entire night until slivers of the dawn came through the blinds.
************************************************************************
Chapter six soon....
Tara had gone first, talking about how brave he had been and how kind he had been to her when she had first gotten together with Willow. Cordelia, who came from Los Angeles, said she forgave Xander for everything that had happened between them. Giles went next, telling of how proud he was of the boy and ending with calling Xander his son. Willow had cried a lot during hers but told the story of how she had first met him.
Buffy went last.
She took a deep breath as she stood by his casket, before the others. "Instead of talking about Xander, I hope you don't mind if I talk to him instead." She turned to the casket where he lay, stiff and unmoving, so different form the boy he had been when he was alive. "Xander, I'm sorry. I'm sorry we didn't know enough about you. I'm sorry we drifted apart when me and Will went to college. And I'm sorry I took you for granted when you were alive. But you taught me an important lesson. I have to look at things more closely and not take things for granted." She looked down as tears ran down her cheeks. "A-and I just wanted to let you know," she added, with a tiny smile, "now that I think about it-I should have given us a chance. Not trying to love you was the biggest regret I've ever had but at least I realize it now. And maybe someday, I'll be at peace with that."
With that, she turned and rejoined the others.
The funeral ended a few minutes later and they slowly went to their cars. Cordelia hugged everyone goodbye before climbing into Angel's car and driving off.
Buffy drove Dawn home in silence while the others piled into Giles' rental car.
And when Xander suddenly appeared in front of the car, she slammed on the brakes and skidded to a halt on the side of the road.
+++
"Okay, I wasn't expecting to be in front of her car," Xander muttered as he hurried to the car to make sure Buffy and Dawn were okay.
He had been sitting underneath a tree at the edge of the cemetery, his own funeral going on a few feet away. He found a spell to make himself visible to people for forty-eight hours, as well as have solid form. That was all he wanted. He had cast the spell on himself and it went into effect just as Buffy began to drive away. Then he willed himself to her and found himself staring at her car heading straight for him.
Xander opened the driver's side door and Buffy stared at him, obviously shocked.
"Xan-Xander?" she mumbled, incredulously.
"In the flesh." He paused. "Well sort of."
Slowly, she climbed out of the car. "A-are you a vamp-?"
Xander shook his head. "Test me."
With trembling hands, Buffy pulled a cross out of her bag and pressed it against his arm. Nothing happened.
Meanwhile, Dawn had climbed out of the car and was tentatively approaching him.
"Are you really back?"
Xander paused. He suddenly realized the truth that was behind what the voice had told him. He would be going away again in two days. He would only be with them again for a short while and then he would be gone and they would have to hurt all over again.
Taking a deep breath, he shook his head slowly. "Only for forty-eight hours. Then it's back to..." He decided then to hide the fact that he was Buffy's guardian angel for a while. "Uh, well, you know." He pointed up.
"I-I don't understand," Buffy said as she climbed out of the car. "Why are you here?"
"Uh, well, I, uh," Xander stammered. "I, uh, talked to a few people because I, um, have some unfinished business to take care of."
You idiot, he thought, mentally smacking himself. This voice guy was right. This was a bad idea. I can't tell her why I'm here or who I am now.
"What kind of unfinished business?" Buffy questioned slowly.
"Oh, well, you know. Business. That needs to be finished." Xander cleared his throat. "Enough of the third degree. Listen, I realized that the others might be a little wigged as you guys were, so could you kind of keep this between us?" He looked alternately at each girl.
"I-I guess," Buffy replied. Dawn nodded.
Xander clapped his hands together. "Great! Excellent."
Suddenly, Buffy grasped him in a tight hug. "Oh God, I missed you."
Slowly, Xander brought up his arms around her, pressing his face into her hair. She smelled like raspberries. Her hair was soft and silky against his cheek. He closed his eyes, savoring the moment. "I missed you too."
When Buffy pulled away and looked up at him, there were tears in her eyes. "I-I just wish that you could stay."
Xander brushed a strand of hair from her eyes. "Me too." He had to use everything in him to keep himself from leaning over and kissing her. Her blue eyes glistened up at him.
Suddenly, it was all worth it.
+++
"Whatever it was, it wasn't worth it," Buffy said to Xander in hushed tones late that night.
Xander blinked. "What?"
Buffy was setting up a corner for him to sleep in for the night. The next day, he was going to go on his `mission'.
"Do you have any idea how much this is going to kill me and Dawn when you leave? You could have at least left her out of this."
Xander was completely taken aback. Before, Buffy had seemed so happy to see him. Now...
"But I-"
Buffy shook her head. "I don't even know how we're going to keep you from Willow and the others." She tossed a pillow into the corner then looked directly at him. "I don't even know what reason you could have possibly had that was so important for you to do this."
Xander looked right back at her. "I-I did it because..."
"Why? What's your unfinished business?"
"I'm in love you."
Buffy froze.
Xander immediately wished he could take the words back.
"What did you say?" Buffy whispered.
Xander looked down, scuffing his feet on the carpet. "Nothing."
"You said you were in love me. What did you mean?" Buffy took a step closer to him.
Xander shook his head. "I-I don't know. I was just...talking crazy."
"No you weren't." Buffy grabbed his hand and led him to the bed. "Xander, there's something you're not telling me. What is it?"
Xander looked into those eyes and knew he couldn't lie to her. He took a deep breath and told her the entire story.
A single tear ran down Buffy's cheek when he was done. Wordlessly, she pressed her lips against his. A bit shocked, Xander froze but after a second, kissed her back. They pulled away at the same time and just stared at each other.
"Xander, I'm so sorry," Buffy whispered, leaning her forehead against his. "I'm sorry I didn't realize what I had in you until now. When I read your will...and then Spike told me all that stuff...and finding out what was in the box for Willow and what you gave to Giles and Anya..." She shook her head. "Something happened. Something I never expected to happen. And the fact that you were protecting me the whole time that you were gone just..." She took a deep breath and let it out loudly.
"I'm sorry too," Xander replied. "I shouldn't have come back like this. I should have known how much it would have upset you and the others." He reached up to tenderly touch her cheek. "It's just..."
Buffy nodded. "I know. I understand now."
After a minute, Xander got up and started to go over to his corner. But Buffy grabbed his hand.
"Stay with me."
Surprised, Xander slowly climbed into bed next to Buffy. She wrapped his arms around him, resting her head against his shoulder. Xander put an arm around her, gently kissing her on the forehead just as he had done many nights before. Only this time, she knew.
Buffy fell asleep after a few minutes but Xander stayed wide awake the entire night, not needing sleep. And instead of watching her as usual, he thought.
He thought about what he was going to do. He didn't want to leave her. He couldn't. And after holding her and being this near to her, he couldn't go back to just watching her without her being able to see or hear him.
What am I going to do? he thought miserably throughout the entire night until slivers of the dawn came through the blinds.
************************************************************************
Chapter six soon....