In the middle of the night, Scully heard a noise. She opened her eyes and
saw Mulder beside her. Scully punched him and he woke up.
"What?" Mulder asked sleepily.
"I thought I told you to sleep on the couch."
"You did," he replied, "But I didn't think you meant it."
"The hell I didn't. Get out of my bed."
Mulder rolled over and said, "I'm not moving."
"I bought the bed. Get out."
"I bought the mattress. I'm staying."
"I should find a really good reason to divorce you. Let's see. There's abandonment. Nah, I can't get rid of you for the life me and that's my problem. Then there are beatings. Nope. Desertion. Nope. Drunkeness. Now I'd like to see you drunk, Mulder, but no. Extreme and repeated cruelty. Guess not."
Mulder nodded and turned back to go to sleep knowing that Scully would not be able to divorce him.
"I got it!" Scully practically yelled.
Mulder rolled back over and looked at her.
"Impotence."
His eyes grew large. "Excuse me? Why wasn't I notified about my problem and just how did I get you pregnant?"
"Oh, there have been others. There was that one time when I was drunk and Frohike was right there. Oh and that time I was depressed and Krycek had somehow snuck into my bedroom. And how could I forget that time when Doggett's heat went out and he had to sleep on my couch?"
"You can't prove it."
Scully raised her eyebrows. "Mulder, do you mean to tell me that you would go to court, and stare at a picture of a naked woman, and then start-"
"No."
"Then how are you going to prove YOUR case?"
"Sleep with my lawyer. Which would be a female."
"You would get a blond bimbo to be your lawyer. It's just like you."
The phone rang.
Scully picked up the phone and said in a pleasant voice, "Scully...uh- huh...I'm sorry...Okay, I'll be sure to fix the problem. Goodnight."
Mulder had gotten up. He was tired of arguing and just plain tired and wanted to sleep in peace. "Who was that?" he asked.
"The neighbor," she replied. "He can hear us next door and he would like to get some sleep tonight. He said to fix whatever problem we are having." She paused. "Mulder, you're the problem...and I'm going to fix you."
"And just how are you going to do that?"
"Think about it. How do you fix a dog?"
Mulder moved his hand to cover his crotch. "You wouldn't."
"Want to dare me to see if I will?"
"No, that's okay. I'll just sleep on the couch. No problem."
Mulder left the room and slept on the couch.
"That's the end of that problem," Scully muttered.
NEXT MORNING
Scully got up and went downstairs. Surprisingly, she found the living room in a perfect state. The blanket that Mulder had used was folded neatly and the pillow was at the end of the couch.
"I finally got through to him," Scully thought.
She walked into the kitchen and found a note from Mulder.
"A love note? Mulder's never written me a love note. Awww."
Scully,
I'm sorry, but I think it was wrong for us to get married. I'm going away and I'm not telling you where. You don't love me anyway and you know it. Goodbye, Scully. I hope you find somebody who you love more than you ever loved me. Just know that you'll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do.
Mulder
"This isn't a love note! Mulder!" Scully cried. "No Mulder! You can't leave me! I didn't mean any of it!"
She ran to the front door expecting Mulder to just be leaving and she could call out to him and say that she really loved him. Just like it was out of a good romance movie or novel.
Instead, one car, not Mulder's, went down their street. She slowly closed the door and went back to the living room and to the couch where she rested her head on Mulder's pillow.
"Mulder, I'll take you back. I'll learn to tolerate the way you brush you teeth and refuse to put the toilet seat down. I'll even clean up your mess that you leave all over the house. Well...not ALL of it, but most." Then Scully started sobbing. "Mulder, I'll do anything. Come back."
"Fine. Make me a sandwich, woman."
Scully jumped up. "Mulder?!" Suddenly she became angry. "You were supposed to be gone!"
"So I lied. That's what you get for making me sleep on a lumpy couch."
"Mulder, that was just mean. How could you?"
"Do you really think I would leave my child alone with you? To be corrupted and manipulated by you? I think not," Mulder said as he poured himself some orange juice. Scully stared at Mulder and he stared back. "Orange juice?" he asked pleasantly.
"Why not?" Scully said in an equal tone of voice.
Mulder handed her the glass and she began to drink. Suddenly she threw the orange juice at Mulder. He stood with the jug of juice in his hand and slowly looked at her. Then he flung the orange juice from the jug at Scully. She gasped.
"Mulder! This is a new pair of pajamas and you know it. How dare you!"
"This is a priceless shirt from my early years at the FBI. How dare YOU."
"Oh shut up Mulder and make me some cereal. I'm going to take a shower."
"Yes your highness. Would you like some toast and eggs with it? Oh, and let me go get the shower ready for you too." Mulder rolled his eyes. "I'm not your lap dog!" he yelled as she left the kitchen.
LATER
Scully walked into Mulder's office in their house that was soon going to be converted into a nursery for the baby. As usual, Scully saw that the whole room was a mess. Papers were all over the floor, there were post-it notes all over the walls, and God knows what that was under all those papers that were piled up on the edge of Mulder's desk. And there Mulder sat writing on one of the many books that were also piled on his desk.
"Mulder, do you LIKE living in the twilight zone?"
Mulder didn't even look up. "No and that's why I stay out of your office."
She nodded. "Oh, and by the way, it was very nice of you to make me breakfast, Mulder."
"What breakfast?"
"Exactly."
Mulder shrugged.
"I don't know why I married you," Scully sighed.
"I know why," Mulder said. "Because you needed somebody to nag...and because I'm such a lovable guy."
"Excuse me? I didn't quite hear you. Did you just say that I needed somebody to nag? Are you implying that I am nagging you?"
Mulder looked genuinely afraid. "No...well...yeah, but I was only joking."
"Ha ha, Mulder."
"What?" Mulder asked sleepily.
"I thought I told you to sleep on the couch."
"You did," he replied, "But I didn't think you meant it."
"The hell I didn't. Get out of my bed."
Mulder rolled over and said, "I'm not moving."
"I bought the bed. Get out."
"I bought the mattress. I'm staying."
"I should find a really good reason to divorce you. Let's see. There's abandonment. Nah, I can't get rid of you for the life me and that's my problem. Then there are beatings. Nope. Desertion. Nope. Drunkeness. Now I'd like to see you drunk, Mulder, but no. Extreme and repeated cruelty. Guess not."
Mulder nodded and turned back to go to sleep knowing that Scully would not be able to divorce him.
"I got it!" Scully practically yelled.
Mulder rolled back over and looked at her.
"Impotence."
His eyes grew large. "Excuse me? Why wasn't I notified about my problem and just how did I get you pregnant?"
"Oh, there have been others. There was that one time when I was drunk and Frohike was right there. Oh and that time I was depressed and Krycek had somehow snuck into my bedroom. And how could I forget that time when Doggett's heat went out and he had to sleep on my couch?"
"You can't prove it."
Scully raised her eyebrows. "Mulder, do you mean to tell me that you would go to court, and stare at a picture of a naked woman, and then start-"
"No."
"Then how are you going to prove YOUR case?"
"Sleep with my lawyer. Which would be a female."
"You would get a blond bimbo to be your lawyer. It's just like you."
The phone rang.
Scully picked up the phone and said in a pleasant voice, "Scully...uh- huh...I'm sorry...Okay, I'll be sure to fix the problem. Goodnight."
Mulder had gotten up. He was tired of arguing and just plain tired and wanted to sleep in peace. "Who was that?" he asked.
"The neighbor," she replied. "He can hear us next door and he would like to get some sleep tonight. He said to fix whatever problem we are having." She paused. "Mulder, you're the problem...and I'm going to fix you."
"And just how are you going to do that?"
"Think about it. How do you fix a dog?"
Mulder moved his hand to cover his crotch. "You wouldn't."
"Want to dare me to see if I will?"
"No, that's okay. I'll just sleep on the couch. No problem."
Mulder left the room and slept on the couch.
"That's the end of that problem," Scully muttered.
NEXT MORNING
Scully got up and went downstairs. Surprisingly, she found the living room in a perfect state. The blanket that Mulder had used was folded neatly and the pillow was at the end of the couch.
"I finally got through to him," Scully thought.
She walked into the kitchen and found a note from Mulder.
"A love note? Mulder's never written me a love note. Awww."
Scully,
I'm sorry, but I think it was wrong for us to get married. I'm going away and I'm not telling you where. You don't love me anyway and you know it. Goodbye, Scully. I hope you find somebody who you love more than you ever loved me. Just know that you'll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do.
Mulder
"This isn't a love note! Mulder!" Scully cried. "No Mulder! You can't leave me! I didn't mean any of it!"
She ran to the front door expecting Mulder to just be leaving and she could call out to him and say that she really loved him. Just like it was out of a good romance movie or novel.
Instead, one car, not Mulder's, went down their street. She slowly closed the door and went back to the living room and to the couch where she rested her head on Mulder's pillow.
"Mulder, I'll take you back. I'll learn to tolerate the way you brush you teeth and refuse to put the toilet seat down. I'll even clean up your mess that you leave all over the house. Well...not ALL of it, but most." Then Scully started sobbing. "Mulder, I'll do anything. Come back."
"Fine. Make me a sandwich, woman."
Scully jumped up. "Mulder?!" Suddenly she became angry. "You were supposed to be gone!"
"So I lied. That's what you get for making me sleep on a lumpy couch."
"Mulder, that was just mean. How could you?"
"Do you really think I would leave my child alone with you? To be corrupted and manipulated by you? I think not," Mulder said as he poured himself some orange juice. Scully stared at Mulder and he stared back. "Orange juice?" he asked pleasantly.
"Why not?" Scully said in an equal tone of voice.
Mulder handed her the glass and she began to drink. Suddenly she threw the orange juice at Mulder. He stood with the jug of juice in his hand and slowly looked at her. Then he flung the orange juice from the jug at Scully. She gasped.
"Mulder! This is a new pair of pajamas and you know it. How dare you!"
"This is a priceless shirt from my early years at the FBI. How dare YOU."
"Oh shut up Mulder and make me some cereal. I'm going to take a shower."
"Yes your highness. Would you like some toast and eggs with it? Oh, and let me go get the shower ready for you too." Mulder rolled his eyes. "I'm not your lap dog!" he yelled as she left the kitchen.
LATER
Scully walked into Mulder's office in their house that was soon going to be converted into a nursery for the baby. As usual, Scully saw that the whole room was a mess. Papers were all over the floor, there were post-it notes all over the walls, and God knows what that was under all those papers that were piled up on the edge of Mulder's desk. And there Mulder sat writing on one of the many books that were also piled on his desk.
"Mulder, do you LIKE living in the twilight zone?"
Mulder didn't even look up. "No and that's why I stay out of your office."
She nodded. "Oh, and by the way, it was very nice of you to make me breakfast, Mulder."
"What breakfast?"
"Exactly."
Mulder shrugged.
"I don't know why I married you," Scully sighed.
"I know why," Mulder said. "Because you needed somebody to nag...and because I'm such a lovable guy."
"Excuse me? I didn't quite hear you. Did you just say that I needed somebody to nag? Are you implying that I am nagging you?"
Mulder looked genuinely afraid. "No...well...yeah, but I was only joking."
"Ha ha, Mulder."