Essence
Part Four
By Lady AngelFiren


I felt my mind coming back to me, and as soon as it did there was a familiar pain along with it, like I'd been used as a doormat for elephants and they'd decided to have a party. I knew what was going on and quickly remembered where I was, but I was smart enough not to move until my stomach stopped sloshing around and my head quit its damned spinning. Stupid booze, leaving me all sick and icky feeling. I vowed never to drink again and knew seconds afterwards that I would not heed my own promise. Right, like I'd stay sober if I could help it. Heh heh, funny joke, that.

After about ten minutes of laying motionless and willing myself not to throw up all over the place, I deemed it an impossible feat and sat quickly up, my stomach jumping into my throat as it hurriedly emptied itself all over the floor. I was in some metal room with weird lights in all the corners, but there was no sign of Heero anywhere and I didn't like that one bit. Finding water and a toilet, I climbed back onto the bed and waited for something to happen.

What?! I couldn't Just leave, I had nothing better to do anyway! So I sat there, pretty much bored, not wanting to think about what could be happening to Heero while I was stuck here in the boring metal room. Laying back, I counted the squares on the ceiling, and when I was done that I counted the squares on the floor. How exciting, it was justriveting. I almost had to lay down after awhile because I was so into counting the stupid squares. I was already laying down, but you get the point. Me, babble? Naw

When my head had finally started to feel a little better and I was drifting comfortably between wakefulness and sleep, a huge voice boomed into the room through unseen speakers and bounced off the walls, brining back the pounding in my head a thousand-fold.

"Shit!" I cursed the voice, even as it went on talking.

"Boys, thank you for participating in our little test, I'm sure you had lots of fun." J laughed, and I glared darkly at the wall, wishing I could see straight through the hazy thickness in my head. "Now, you can both leave your rooms, and you will file down the hall without talking. You will reach a door. Go through it. From there you'll be given further orders. Go on now. Out!" the boom of J's mechanical, but gravelly voice ceased, and the wall slid open on my room. I made my way into the hall through the giant doorway and was relieved to see Heero coming out of the first room I'd visited. Hmmm, I didn't really have time to talk to him, I suppose I'd just have to wait until we were given a chance to be alone, or as alone as we'd ever get around here, together.

He looked strangely at me as we walked, and I had to fight the urge to turn around and ask him what the hell he was staring at, when I realized that I wasn't smiling or laughing. Basically, I was feelin really nervous and upset, and I'd let it show. Damned joker's mask, I swear, on of these days I'm gonna burn the fuckin thing. Never have to smile again unless I meant it. Now _that_ would be a blessing! I think I still have a little ways to go before I can make good on that though, may as well try an survive the war before I go trying to be all down-to-Earth and emotional.

Yeah, so anyway, I plastered a goofy grin on my lips and turned to Heero, searching his eyes furiously for the relief that just would not come. I was smiling, wasn't he satisfied? Maybe there was something else; hmm, what could be bothering him if I was lookin like my normal gleeful self?

The I remembered his little 'talent.' Duh he saw through me, he was reading my thoughts! Jesus, no privacy at all; this is what I get for being his friend in the first place. I really wonder why I'm such a nice guy sometimes. Anyway, I saw his faint little nod at my realization, and kicked myself for forgetting about him. I would have to learn to mask my thoughts, I see no fairness in him being able to read them all the time if I don't get to read his. He shrugged stiffly (how he manages to actually _shrug_ stiffly I will never know) at me when I sent him the mental question of how to do this, and I felt a little flare of anger in me before I completely swept it away with other thoughts. /Enough dwelling on this,/ I scolded myself, / I'll deal with it later, if and when I can./ I was beginning to get a big stack of stuff that I had told myself to deal with later. Well, I never said I didn't procrastinate! So sue me, I'm a little lazy, whatever. I have places to go, people to kill, c'mon, cut me some slack!

Ok, I finally got to the end of the nice little hallway, which turned out to lead straight into a big door of the secure metal variety. So comforting to know that some little old men needed giant metal doors to feel safe, much less that I was under their control and it was me they were controlling with those damned doors, among other things. Stupid fucking training, there are so many days I think it'd be much better if I were dead. I wonder what is stopping me from actually offing myself?

A growl from Heero's direction yanked me out of my thoughts, and I looked up into the faces of two people I seriously dreaded, Dr. J and Professor G. Wonder what Heero was growling aboutthem, or my suicidal musings? Anyway, the evil old men smiled down at Heero and myself from their station behind a big glass window that was about fifteen feet up the wall; we were in a circular metal room that was more of an observation pit that anything elseor so I thought. J grinned wide and began speaking.

"Thank you for coming boys, we collected the data required to evaluate your bodies, now we are ready to perform the actual test which has been in preparation for several years. I think you will both be intrigued and fascinated by our work, and I trust that everything will go fine." He chuckled to himself, and pushed some unseen buttons. He didn't seem to be aiming to impress us just now, instead he was concentrating severely on what he was doing, and seemed almost to ignore us.

I took this opportunity to glance over at Heero and see how he was taking this. Maybe he could read some of J's thoughts? That would be great, then he could probably find us a way out of here, although that wouldn't matter. The doctors are in control of our lives. They have a system rigged in us that prevents us from simply walking out on them. If I were to tell G one day that I quit, he would only need to push a button, and my life becomes a thing of the past. It is very depressing to know that you aren't even in control of whether or not you live. I was thinking that this new 'experiment' could be a more complete form of control, maybe they'd found a way to completely obliterate out free will? I really dreaded to think of what they could have planned for us.

Heero shook his head at me and glared at the wall in front of him, waiting for something to happen. The ache in my head returned, pulsing with each beat of my heart, only strengthening the dread and anger that had started building a permanent home in my brain. Fuck I hate my life sometimes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Duo looked over at me as he thought about what could possibly be in store for us. There was nothing I could do to make him feel better, or at least I didn't know how to do it if there was. Laughter was currently battling long and hard with Cynicism, giving me a jumbled impression of what was actually happening inside of him. On one hand, I knew we'd entered the little room and were waiting for whatever J's 'invention' was to be shown us, but I was also lost in the heated debate going on unconsciously in Duo. He was trying to take everything lightly, just laugh it off, but at the same time he felt so helpless and weak that it was almost painful to experience. I heard J clearing his throat loudly and decided that I could listen to Duo battle later, I'd like to be prepared for whatever we were about to undergo. I really was not looking forward to this, so I glared into the side of the 'observation pit,' and tried not to think.

It didn't work very well, but at least I was able to subdue the tight fear that had risen in my chest. I clenched my fists and swallowed, trying to push that feeling as far from me as possible. The steel wall I had focussed on was boring and featureless, and I couldn't keep my mind all closed up when I was feeling this sort of disturbance. I crushed my jaws together, grounding my teeth into one another, trying to keep from feeling anything from the room around me. This helped somewhat, but not enough for me to block out the excitement that was currently flowing out of both doctors. J grinned down at us (I could feel his eyes on me, although I continued to watch the wall), and his subdued chuckles became near throes of laughter. I shivered internally and bit the inside of my cheek, trying to make that tight feeling go away, telling myself that it did not matter if I was scared, whatever was set to happen would. After all, I am the lab rat here, not the other way around. I have no choices.

Duo was watching me out of the corner of his eye (I have excellent peripheral vision, so I could see him and the wall) as we stood and waited for something to happen. Laughter and Cynicism had both been beaten back by Other, and Duo was feelingblank. Not really scared, but certainly not pleased. He coughed nervously, looking up at the glass window above us and wondering if he would have his hair when we were through. I suddenly remembered what had happened before we were ordered here; I had a message for him from 'Solo.' Would I have a chance to give it to him?

"Alright, we will guide you both through this procedure, just follow our orders and you'll besafe." Dr. J's voice came over the speaker and he laughed for a few moments before continuing. "You will seriously regret trying anything, this is a dangerous experiment, and we don't want to see you hurt, you wouldn't be useful to us that way. Shall we begin?"

Duo bit his lip and allowed his brows to draw together, but he did not voice his anger. Instead, I glanced over to him and nodded, assuring his inquiring mind that J was speaking the truth. Well, as much of the truth that the man/machine ever speaks. He was currently picturing both Duo and myself, chained to a wall, as he poked us with hot iron poles. His mind chuckled gleefully at the prospect; I sincerely hoped that was not what he had planned, I wasn't sure if I could handle it, I might break. I clenched my stomach tightly and refocused my eyes on the wall ahead of me. I would _not_ let him get to me! What were these doctors doing? And who gave them the power to destroy and manipulate life at their own will? I wondered when the doctors would get tired of us and just let us die, but checked myself. I had glared at Duo for his own suicidal wishes, and here I was thinking the very same thing, and that is just not fair.

J cackled and I saw his real arm moving, pushing buttons, and twisting knobs on an unseen console. Suddenly a thick glass wall slid out of the ceiling between Duo and myself, effectively separating us and neatly halving the cylindrical room. I didn't look at the transparent barrier, after the first glance. It made me terribly nervous, the way it cut me away from Duo. I listened with my sense for what he thought of the wall, and was shocked to find that I could hear nothing of his thoughts. Nothing! It was like he was a picture on a vidscreen and little more. I forgot my control for a moment and looked suspiciously up at the doctors, who were not looking at us. I glanced over to Duo, trying to ascertain if he was more than a hologram, and found that he was definitely still on the other side of the glass, I just couldn't sense him. I felt a little gap in mysomewhere, wherever the thought-feelings go, I guess, and it ached painfully with the realization that he was gone from inside of me. What was going on?! I could still feel the scientists and a few staff in the rest of the building, but Duo was lost to me. I looked at him directly, saw that he was watching me with avid interest, and checked my movements back to their originally controlled state.

Dr. J abruptly spoke up over the speakers, his rough voice grinding into my suddenly too-quiet mind with an unmasked note of superiority. "Heero, you have noticed theadjustment. Good. I am pleased, this is the first step towards my reign over you. Excellent. If you would both step back against your respective walls, we can continue."

I glared up at the doctors and stepped back, lightly pressing my back against the curved wall behind me. Duo did the same in his half of the cylindrical room, looking at me with an expression I could not read. /It would help if I had my sense, I don't usually need to look at him to know what he is expressing./ I grumbled at myself, feeling the void grow in me as I realized that I really didn't know much at all about his body language. What was he thinking? How did he feel about this situation? It was MADDENING! I felt soincomplete!

I stood against the wall, waiting for something to happen and wondering if Duo was alright. The room began to grow darker, and after a minute or so we were in pitch blackness, staring ahead with no indication for what was going on. With my vision obsolete, My other senses adjusted themselves. I could hear a faint humming from all around me, the sound of that the colony makes. I wasn't even aware of it until I listened for it, having grown up in this place. Closer, there was the clacking of a keyboard being used, and the quiet, insistent beep that vids and computers make to indicate one thing or another. And then it wasn't dark anymore. A warm yellow glow sprang into the room, coming from the glass wall. I couldn't see Duo past it, but I knew he was there from the sound of his boots shuffling on the metal grate floor and his hands fiddling behind him, against the wall. I was tempted to call out to him, but of course I would not speak, it would be a major betrayal of my training and I did not want the scientists to know how blind I felt without my sense.

From just in front of the glass wall, a panel I had earlier noted in the floor slid open with a mechanical whoosh of compressed air being released. Very slowly, a smaller cylinder began to move upwards from the hole, its metallic circumference flashing vigorously as it rose, giving it the semblance of a living thing. From above, a metal protuberance that looked strangely like a plunger slammed down, screwing onto the top of the cylinder with a loud grind of metal, and then everything was still.

I just glared at the strange thing, wondering what it was, if I would have to go inside, and dreading whatever would come of the thing. There were no switches or buttons or anything that I could see on the outside of the it, but there were two thin seams running up its length, hinting not-so-subtly at a door. Said door slid smoothly into the floor as soon as I had noted it, and J's voice was back, rasping low over the speaker.

"Get in." he said in a quipped tone that was nothing like him, sounding as if whatever he was working on took all of his concentration and he did not want to be distracted, even if it was necessary for the experiment.

I unconsciously reached out to feel what Duo was thinking, and was painfully reminded of my sense's particular absence. It lent a tinge of foreboding to the whole situation, but I obeyed the short order regardless. My body had grown unnaturally stiff with tension while I was pressed to the wall, and I could barely get my legs to move I did it anyway, ignoring the prickly, tingling protests from my knees and stomach. I really don't like fear.

I set a careful non-expression on my face, recognizing the feel of it and gaining at least a tiny bit of comfort from the familiar facial cast as I stepped into the tall chamber. Instantly, the door slid up from the floor, shutting me into the darkness of the airless cell. I looked around, seeing nothing in front of me and nothing behind. I couldn't sense the thoughts or feelings of anybody, now that I was in the hot, stale confinement, and this struck something inside of me, something that shook deeply and tried to crawl away but was unable. I feltblind, especially because not only could I feel nothing, but I also could not see. My hands began to shake and my breath quickened. There were no more voices from the speaker. In fact, I couldn't hear anything at all save my own heavy breaths and the pulse of blood through my ears.

There was a deep vibration in the floor; it ran up my legs and through my whole body, sending my stomach spinning and leaving me horribly nauseous. I couldn't breathe! It wasn't like being in the small, airless cockpit of Wing, nor were the vibrations anything like the jostle of the Gundam as it performed. This went all through me, shaking not only my body, but my mind and soul too.

The vibration stopped abruptly, and I felt even sicker than I had when it first started. Then it was back, stronger this time, and my vision began to go white at the edges. I couldn't feel my body at all! I heard the thick sound of tried breathing, and finally silence as I lost consciousness.