Essence
Part Five
By Lady AngelFiren


I felt myself coming to, but it wasweird. I felt different somehow, like...I dunno, just different. I hadn't moved or opened my eyes yet, but I knew there was something different before I was even completely awake. I strained my hearing, and I found that I could hear little aside from the faint hum of the colony all around me and the sound of somebody breathing peacefully. But there was something else. I was getting afeeling? No, it was more like a picture, but it wasn't that either. A quiet, steady pulse from right beside mecalm, like somebody sleeping, but very familiar. It was infuriating! What the hell was going on??

I told myself to wake up completely, and the strange impression was surmounted by my other senses' strengthening. I could now clearly hear another person breathing right beside me, in what must have been a small steel room, because of the subtle way the breaths echoed. I knew I was laying down, most likely on a small cot, from the close-knit cotton under me and the way my feet hung over the end of it, into thin air.

/That's funny,/ I reflected, /I don't remember not fitting on the cots before, what in the Hell is going on here!?/

I slowly opened my eyes to a very dimly lit cube of a room, looking first at the ceiling before getting into a sitting position. The unusual feeling that I had noticed somehow told me that whoever was in this room with me was waking up, but I ignored it. There was something very wrong here, I felt sostrong! I sat up without any effort, feeling the muscles in my stomach bunch and contract as I did. I didn't even have to use my arms! My body felt weird, like I was made of steel or something, but at the same time I could tell it was natural; I was quickly becoming confused, and I didn't like it one bit. I looked absently down at myself and I swear, my heart stopped, and my jaw dropped onto the floor.

I was wearing black Spandex bike shorts and a green tank top, and my skin was darker than normal, and a few locks of very dark brown hair fell into my eyes, andI WASN'T ME!!!

/Ohmigod, ohmigod OHMIGOD!!! Holy fucking shit!/ I couldn't think past those words. Was this the scientist's new experiment? If so, then where was my body? Where was Heero? If I was in his body I turned to my left, once more reflecting on the unnatural strength in his sculpted frame, and got the biggest shock of my life.

I saw myself looking back at me. My body was looking back at me, a strange non-expression on my face, my own indigo eyes glittering with several things, namely fear and anger. The pulsing feeling was coming from my form, and it told me exactly who was looking at me through my eyes. Heero was in my body, and I was in his, and we were both very confused and very scared. He didn't speak, but I knew what he wanted to say all the same. His mind, his heart, his _essence,_ they spoke to me in a language I had never heard, but somehow understood in all its entirety. But it couldn't be Heero could it? Heero, who was presently crying inside, hungering with his soul for something which was gone from him, something that I had gained. The realization hit me then. Despite the situation, I realized that I now had his sense, whatever it was that made him hear my thoughts and feelings. It was mine! But he hungered for it so deeply that I wanted to give it back to him, and knowing that I couldn't only made me sad.

"Heero?" I said, looking at my body, but feeling him in it. I gasped and my eyes widened at the sound of my voice. It was quiet, low, very deep and manly for a fifteen-year-old, but it had my accents, my speech pattern. That one little word shocked me more than the impressions I got from him, more, even, than being in his body, because it solidified the peculiar fact. I wasn't really me anymore. I was in his steel-strong form, and I had no way of getting out.

"Duo," he said with my voice, but in the same manner he usually spoke, so that I knew instantly it was him. He hid his face-my face-behind an emotionless mask (actually it was more slack than controlled), but I could feel his fear. It oozed off of him and leaked into me, and there was nothing I could do to control it. "I can'tsense you anymore, Duo. Its gone" he trailed, and looked off to the wall behind me, concentrating on trying to feel something from me, and getting nothing. A deeply saddened version of the strong soldier I knew had landed in my lap, and I had no idea how to react.

/This isn't Heero,/ my mind screamed at me, /He doesn't cry, he doesn't fear, he doesn't _feel!!_ / But every fiber of my being knew that it _was_ Heero, unmasked. He had just never expressed himself before, and I hadn't suspected a thing. I kicked myself for being so blind, but firmed my resolve to stay calm and deal with the situation. Firstly, I had to get Heero out of his little lapse; he was staring off, not really acknowledging what had happened, rather he was in his own world. "Heero. Snap out of it." I said, almost shuddering at the cold, emotionless quality of my new voice. I felt like I was watching a movie, and the guys in Hollywood had gotten someone else to play me, and the acting was all wrong. It just didn't feel natural, after hearing my own voice squeak and chuckle all my life, to get that even monotone out of my mouth.

Watching my face brighten with consciousness, I felt Heero's mind return to the present. "Duo?" he said loudly, his voice cracking a little.

"Yeah, some experiment those old guys have come up with now, eh? Now what are we gonna do? You think they'll change us back, or leave us like this? Christ but this is weird." I looked at him, holding his eyes so he wouldn't space out again, and listening carefully to what he was thinking. When he spoke it surprised me, just because he didn't seem able to control my voice. It came out all loud and squeaky, and I laughed, grinning broadly.

"I don't know. Its gone I can't feel anymore! Do you have it? Can you sense, like I did before?"

I guess the whole sense thing was his main focus at the moment, but it was mostly just confusing me. I mean, he'd think one thing, and say something completely different! I had no idea whether I should be reacting to his feelings or his words, and I couldn't really tell the two apart, so it was even worse. How did he do this all the time? And now that he didn't have his sense, would he have any idea how to communicate with people, even me? I looked at him, seeing my face contorted in confusion, and marveled that he would be so expressive. I think it was mostly because he didn't know how to control the unfamiliar face, and so his emotions were showing through. He certainly wasn't shrouding his mind; I could see and feel him as plain as day. I had thrown him off with my grinning and chuckling, he was unsure now, about what I was feeling, and he didn't like it one bit.

"Its ok, Heero, I don't know what's going on either, but you don't have to be afraid. The docs aren't planning to off us, I think they just wanna poke at us for awhile. We can handle it, ne? C'mon, come back to me, quit goin' all spacey, its freaky."

Heero looked at me, frowning. He hadn't wanted me to see him so exposed. He was feelinginvaded? Naked even? Well how the hell did he think I felt when I had him rootin' through my thoughts 24/7? Yeah, its okay for _him_ to do it, but now I can't? Nuh unh, doesn't work like that. I would have to get him to understand that if we were stuck in this situation, then it wasn't going to be easy for either of us, but it there wasn't any room for disagreement. It was one of those 'work together' things. He didn't know about those. When it comes to Heero, its mostly all independence and saving the world; he seriously has to learn about sharing and stuff. I took it upon myself to teach him, but I wasn't so sure about that. At the moment, I was a little more concerned with getting out of the metal cube and off the colony.

"Ok, we gotta get outta here before we can do anything. How do we do that?" I asked him, concentrating on holding his eyes. The majority of his mind was absently reaching out for a power that no longer existed in him, and it was almost painful to watch him grieve. He looked into my eyes, but he wasn't really there.

The door slid open then, and the lights came on brightly. I squinted and looked into the doorway. Nobody was there. Heero, too, looked, but he wasn't really seeing what was around him, I think he was slipping into shock. I told myself to write that one down in the history books, 'cause I figured it was only a matter of hours, and that would be gone, replaced by the Heero who is all business and explosions. Over the speakers, Dr. J's gravel tone cackled like a child (an old, ugly child, but blissful none-the-less), and I snapped to attention, feeling the muscle's in my new back tense and ripple as I moved.

"You are free to go. You have one mission, for now. Become accustomed to the change, and report back when you are contacted. Keep a detailed log of everything that you feel and experience. Do not let the other pilots, or anybody else, know about the change. By the way, you boys make great lab rats, now get back to Earth."

Heero was just looking blankly at the wall where the speaker was lodged now, not moving or responding. I stood, wavering a bit as I realized that I was a few inches taller than I had been, and stretched, loving the way my body felt. It was still the coolest thing I'd ever experienced: living in Heero's Perfect Body. I cast a glance to him and saw that he was still sitting there, a vacant expression in his eyes, barely anything radiating from his essence. Stooping, I lifted him so that he had an arm round my shoulders and was in a standing position at my side. As I started to walk from the room, he unconsciously moved his-my-legs to keep pace, but if I had let go of him, he would have fallen flat on his-my-ass.

We were lead by a servant or worker guy (I dunno who he was, but he was very scared of the doctors) to a cab, which took us to the spaceport. There was no interesting driver this time, in fact, things had ceased being so funny to me now, because I could see everything that went under the humour, and it made things less than amusing. /Maybe this is why Heero never laughs at my jokes/ I thought as I dragged him onto the shuttle and it took off into space.

We were about halfway to the pretty blue planet, when I felt Heero starting to come out of his frighteningly silent trance. He just looked up at me suddenly and mumbled, "Gomen, I was scared." I was surprised at his admission, but I also understood that it didn't begin to cover how small and weak and helpless he felt.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I fought the urge to throw up as I admitted my fear to Duo, cringing and fighting shivers in the warmth of the shuttle. I was cold. Duo's body did not have as much meat or muscle as mine, and I was unaccustomed to being cool. In fact, it was the lack of control that got to me. His form was strong, yes, but compared to mine, it was almost weak. But where I had been strong and forceful by nature, this new form was quick and sly, moving in a completely different manner than I did, and I had no idea how to utilize this stealthy advantage. Of course, I hadn't done much moving around since waking, I was too preoccupied with the gap in my heart.

My sense was GONE!! I could feel nothing from anybody around me. It was quiet in my mind, and cold all around. I had tried countless times in the small period to pick up even the slightest impression from somebody, _anybody,_ but to no avail. Duo's body was as perceptive and sensitive to emotional and telepathic energies as most people, which is to say, not at all. I had been unable to receive anything for a few hours, and already the solitary quietude was driving me crazy. I didn't even know where Duo stood, if he had gained my abilities along with my body and if so, did he understand anything of what he received? I couldn't think clearly at all, and told myself that if I didn't calm my mind and rest, that I would never be able to think again.

So I retreated into myself, mulling over little things, but mostly avoiding the big issue; my heart was blind, and I wouldn't be seeing anything anytime soon. Slowly, however, my training told me that I had to wake up, and I reluctantly pulled myself from my musings to see Duo-me-looking at me with queer interest. I mumbled to him half-heartedly, then firmed my resolve and forced down the bile that had risen in my throat. I would not be this weak! I would not be this fragile! /I am a soldier, and I will act like one!/ I shouted at myself, noticing thesomething that flashed in Duo's now-Prussian eyes. It was the most expression I had ever seen on my own face, and I thought I would actually look kind of nice if I smiled once in awhile, or showed some expression. This thought was swept away unconsciously, but it lingered in the back of my mind for a few moments.

"Heero, we have orders," Duo was saying, in my voice, but with his own speech patterns, so that he sounded like somebody else entirely, but not quite. Looking at my own face, as if in a mirror, but seeing it governed by somebody else was disturbing, but it could not be helped. "J says for us to go back to Earth and get used to this, and to keep a log of everything that goes on. He'll contact us whenever, but I don't think it'll be for awhile. Also, we can't let the others know about the change. But in all honesty, I don't think we could keep it from them. I mean, Quatre's something of an empath, right? How are we supposed to keep this from him if he can tell without seeing, who each of us really is? Its not gonna work unless we don't go near them for awhile. And we if did have to see one or all of them, could you pull yourself off as me? I think I could keep up the brooding, glaring thing and fool them into thinking I'm you, but can you smile? Or chatter mindlessly? Or even laugh? There's no way you can pretend to be me without at least Quatre knowing. So where do you think we should go? We were doing pretty good where we were before this happened, but I was thinking that the most natural place for people to learn about who they are and how to act is a school somewhere. So let's try that. Capiche?"

He looked at me, staring right into my eyes, and I even I could tell that he was searching for something in them. /How well does he know his own face?/ I wondered, /Do my expressions in this body look anything like his would? Am I expressing anything, or is it like my normal face, an emotionless mask. I can't even tell! And I can't feel what he's seeing, so I really have no idea!/ I put up what I thought must be a small frown, and quietly nodded my head.

"Your, well _my_ face is just naturally expressive, Heero. And Yeah, I think I got your telepathy thing, 'cause I can hear and see and feel all this stuff I never have before, but I don't think I'm getting a lot of it. Like, I can receive it and all, but it doesn't make sense. You'll have to show me how to control it. Could you do that? Either way, let's get our skinny asses back to Earth and get into a school someplace, where we don't know anyone and won't be bothered. Then, maybe we can figure out what the hell we're gonna do. Like, I have to eat lots of junk food! And I'm willing to bet you don't want me to turn you into a whale, but I don't think you have the same metabolism as me, so it could happen. And do you have the slightest idea how to take care of my hair? If I end up with split ends, I swear I'll step on you with DeathScythe. We have a few hours to rest up before this shuttle lands, so let's make good on them and then start hunting for a school to settle into. Sound good? Great."

Duo settled back into the stiff airplane seat and closed his-my-eyes, slowing his breathing and quickly dropping off into what looked like sleep. Of course, without my sense, I had no idea whether or not he was really sleeping, but I accepted the front and turned to face the window at my left. I looked out of it, seeing the sphere of Earth, bright blue with swirls of white here and there, and thought of where we would go. I would like to stay somewhere in America, as I was getting to know the kind of people that lived there and I had to admit, they'd grown on me. I closed my eyes and settled back into the seat, trying to coax Duo's body to fall asleep, but it wouldn't. There was a subtle energy in him that just refused to quiet, like a child on a sugar rush. I wanted to at least sit still, but the hyperness demanded that I get up, talk, maybe go for a jog or something. I heaved a breath, noticing that Duo's lungs held more air than mine, giving him his ability to talk for long, unbroken periods, I supposed. I forced my new body to sit still and keep its eyes closed.

It wouldn't. I looked around, counted the overhead compartments on the shuttle, tapped my feet to various pointless beats, tried counting stars a few times but got lost when I was distracted by another passenger's movements out of the corner of my eye, and eventually just sighed in frustration and squeezed past Duo as I got up to go to the bathroom. I waited impatiently as another passenger finished and absently started counting how many people were on board as I did, crossing and uncrossing my arms a few times while I waited. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the little door slid open and a small woman brushed politely past me as she exited the room. I stepped in and listened avidly to the whir of well-oiled gears as the door slid shut and the lights came on. I stood, facing the door for a few minutes, trying to get an impression from someone on the shuttle, and finally turning to face my new reflection in dismay when I could not feel a thing.

I forgot all about the gaping loss when I saw myself.

Duo's beautiful face stared back at me, but it was almost completely blank. I leaned close to the mirror, fixed on the elfin features that had become my own. Full, round cheeks, a wide mouth with thin, pale lips, a soft chin, and a perfect little upturned snub nose. Looking closer, I saw that his eyebrows were thinner than mine, and I noticed the way they arched subtly, giving them a delicate, but decidedly masculine look. My gaze eventually fell into my new eyes, and I was disappointed (but not terribly surprised) to find that where Duo's eyes had grinned and sparkled under his own command, they seemed to be almost dead, if slightly angry under mine. Their colour was still a deep blue that wasn't really blue at all, more like violet, but it wasn't that either. Duo's eyes had captured that instant between blue and violet which can be called indigo, but is really so much more. I felt almost ashamed to have stolen the manic, gleeful light from his eyes, but there wasn't really anything I could do to help it.

I stared into my eyes for awhile, just thinking over all the different flashes of light that wouldn't be back until Duo returned, and then convinced myself that I would just have to live with it. I absently reached a hand up to brush the long chestnut bangs out of my face, when I realized that Duo's hair had become mine too, at least for a little while. I ran the hand backwards, over my head, and down to the base of Duo's cherished braid. It was so thick and silky, and Duo's callused hands were more sensitive than mine, so I could feel the tiny little hairs even better than the few times I had before, when I was in my own body. I picked up the end of the plait in my hands, stroking the absolutely undamaged strands in my fingers. Unconsciously, I pulled free the tie and began to undo the loose but secure weave, watching as the stuff shimmered silently in the artificial light. I raked my fingers gently through it, shaking my head as it came completely loose. The long chestnut satin fell across my back in thick waves, reaching down to my hips. I would have twirled around to watch it fly out, but I was interrupted by a concerned knock on the door. I froze, looking tensely at the closed door. How long had I been in here?

"Everything ok in there? You're holding up the line, hurry it up!" called an annoyed tone from the other side of the thin door.

I turned back to the mirror to see an expression of open surprise on my face. I would have stared longer, but the urgency of the situation called to me. I wrapped the black scrunchie around my wrist and reached my hands back to braid up Duo's hair. I quickly realized there was no way I was going to be able to do it. Duo made it look so easy! How the hell did he do it?! I gave up trying and settled for pulling my fingers through the long mass to untangle it as I tossed it over my shoulders and pushed the button to open the door of the tiny room.

A long line of angry faces greeted me, and I caught a glimpse of how much closer the blue planet was from a shuttle window. I had been in that bathroom for a lot longer than I thought. I made my way past the glares, back to where Duo was sitting, looking back at the commotion with a small smirk that I never would have been able to coax from my lips. He didn't seem to have any difficulty manipulating my face. I brushed past him, sitting angrily down in my window seat and looking out at the approaching blue.