Essence
Part Six
By Lady AngelFiren


I looked over at Heero as he glared angrily out at the stars. Long hair pooled around his shoulders and almost completely hid him from me, but I knew his expression wouldn't be a happy one. I swear I almost laughed out loud while I was listening to his hair dilemma in the shuttle bathroom, and the people standing in line thinking disgruntled thoughts didn't help me stay quiet a bit. So Heero had come back to our seats and given me the cold shoulder? /Well, that is _so_ not gonna work now!/ I thought gleefully as I tapped him and grinned into a pair of fierce indigo eyes. He brought a hand up and pushed the long bangs out of his face as he glared at me.

"What." He vocalized, but it was followed up with a nervous ramble of internal musings so that I barely heard the word. The strongest thing I was getting from him was a fear that I'd be mad at him for hurting my hair by taking it out of the braid. He was also wondering absently about how I could keep my hair so long without damaging it and further back in his mind he noted that he was hungry. I grinned wider, stretching the unfamiliar muscles in his face, and took a handful of long chestnut hair in my hand. I brought it to my face and pretended to carefully inspect the silky stuff. His mind flashed nervous apology as he turned away from me to think over the things warring in him. Heero did not understand how to keep my face neutral, so half of what he thought was plainly visible, but I had already come to rely on the new and powerful sense I had gained along with his form.

"Jesus Heero, don't be so grumpy! You didn't hurt my goddamned hair, alright? Sorry, I'm crabby. I think it comes with the territory. But you know what? I kinda like being you. Did the docs screw around with your strength or something, 'cause I swear I could bend steel, and it wouldn't be all that hard. This is pretty cool, you have to admit. I guess maybe not as cool for you though, stuck in my crap-ass wimpy bod and all. I'm sorry I'm not hating this as much as you are. You want me to braid that back up for you? I'll show you how, and you can help me to control this fuckin' sense, 'cause I am so lost you would not believe it. How's all that sound? Any ideas for where to go when we get of the shuttle?"

I gestured for Heero to turn his back to me as I started braiding the long hair that was now his. He radiated a little relief, but when I mentioned the strength thing he tensed up again. I think he was lookin' forward to getting into a school somewhere though, his demeanor lightened considerably at the mention of it.

"Yeah, they did some tweaking. I'll leave it at that."

"I didn't mean to upset you"

"Doesn't matter, its done, I can't change it. Why bother?"

"Ohk. Well. Any ideas on where to go then?"

"Somewhere in America. I don't care much else where."

"Sure thing dude. You really are miserable, aren't you? I'm sorry, I can't help the way I was born, and my childhood didn't really help things either. I was an orphan, so I didn't exactly get three square meals a day and a warm bed at night. But like you said, whatch'ya gonna do? It was the only thing I could do. I had a friendbut he's gone now. I couldn't save him when plague hit L2, and he died. I still think about him sometimes"

I tied off the end of Heero's braid and sat back in my chair, biting my lip to keep from crying. Heero turned around to face me with an open expression of concern on his face and worry pouring out of him. I looked into his now-indigo eyes and pretty much lost it, thoughts of Solo flying through my head. It was almost as if I could feel him hovering around me, and that only made me sadder. I put a hand to my eyes to cover up the tears that were gonna show up any second, just because I didn't want Heero to see me cry, especially not in his body. Christ, that would be so pathetic!

But as I sat there thinking through the last moments of Solo's life and chewing my lip to shreds, I knew I was doomed to tears, and not just a few. It was all or nothing for me, and I was ready to turn the shuttle into Marineland. I felt hesitant fingers pull my hand away from my eyes and found myself once more looking into anxious purple-blue.

"You can't cry." Heero said in an even monotone. He had quickly learned how to control his new voice, although that was about it so far. His gestures were strange and shaky, and his thoughts were depressed, very lost feeling.

"What? I don't really want to, but if I cry, I cry, ok soldier boy? Look, I'm sure your childhood sucked, but it doesn't mean mine was great, and I'm sad, alright? Don't you dare get up my ass and tell me if I can cry or not!" I glared at him angrily, And felt the tears come on stronger, but they still didn't spill. My eyes weren't even watery.

"You _can't_ cry. It isn't possible, Duo. Remember how I said the docs tweaked? Well, they didn't want their weapon crying, it was too weak and human, so I can't cry. And now you can't, because you're me."

"Oh," I said, and sniffled dejectedly. As embarrassing as it would be, I actually needed to cry every once in awhile, just to grieve. And the feeling that Solo was hovering over my shoulder wasn't helping in the least. "How do you eyes stay wet then?"

"Your friend, the one who died, what was his name?" Heero completely ignored my question, and an image of someonerather something flashed in his mind.

"What?"

"What was his name?"

"SoloI really don't want to talk about him Heero, please."

"He has a message for you."

"What the fuck are you talking about? He's dead dumbass, as in no longer living? You understand that? Dead people don't talk."

"Well Solo did. He said that he loves you, and he's watching you. He had a funny accent, and said it makes him weak to talk to me, because he needs his strength to watch over you. The he went away. He knew my name" Heero trailed, and he matched up his words with images of Solo, my Solo, all grown up to fifteen or sixteen. I had had that dream many times, but it never stuck in my head. Now that I was conscious and I thought of it, I remembered dreaming about a Solo who looked like that.

I gasped and looked at him wide-eyed. Heero had talked to Solo? He knew what he looked like? "Heero, how do you know that? How do you know what he looks like? He died when he was young, there's no way you could know that, even if he did talk to you. What the fuck is going on with you?"

"I watched your dreams."

"You what? You fuckin snoop around in my head all day, and then watch what I _dream?_ Don't I deserve any privacy at all? You can't do that! Ok, rule here, first thing we do when we get back to Earth is have you teach me to control this, 'cause I am confused like you would not believe. Second, I kick your ass for meddlin' in my brain. You know you deserve it."

I set a grim scowl on my face and listened to what he thought about my reaction to his little confession. There was not much I could pick up.

"Are you hiding your thoughts from me? Heero! ARGhhhh! Jesus, you really know how to piss a guy off, ya know that? I-"

"Excuse me, sir? You're going to have to keep your voice down, the other passengers are complaining. Thank you." A stewardess had briefly placed her hand on my shoulder and interrupted whatever I had been planning to say to Heero, who was smirking at me darkly. I sighed and turned to her, trying to ignore the obtuse snicker from Heero's seat.

"Look lady, sorry I pissed you off, and I won't bug the other passengers, ok? How long before we get to Earth?" I noted how much more threatening my voice sonded, now that I had Heero's deeper, rougher tone, and was even sort of pleased.

"The shuttle is scheduled to arrive in four hours and thirteen minutes. Everything is proceeding on schedule. I'm sorry sir, but you'll just have to be patient. Is there anything I can bring you to make your wait more enjoyable?" The stewardess, who was wearing this annoyingly starchy white skirt and uncomfortable looking black heels smiled at me and waited for my reply. I could feel her dripping impatience and aggravation, but her job forced her to be courteous. Heh, this could be fun I was struck with a silent plea from Heero to leave her alone, and I decided that just for the sake of everyone else on the shuttle that maybe I would.

"No, I don't think you could bring me anything, thank you. But my friend here would like something maybe. I gestured to Heero, who ordered a glass of water and firmly shoed the stewardess away.

"Why didn't you get something to eat? Dude, I was tryin' to be nice, I know you're starving. You aren't used to it, but I eat _a lot._ You have to keep yourself fed all the time now. I'm a growing boy.

"You have any money? How were you planning on paying for whatever I ordered?"

I grinned sheepishly at him and settled back in my seat. Christ I was tired. Well, ok maybe not tired, just at peace. I didn't feel all hyper and fidgety, more like I could just nod off to sleep if I wanted to. Wow, this was gonna be better than I thought. I always figured that it was my personality that never let me sleep, but I guess it had something to do with my body too. Poor Heero, he seriously got a bad deal in this switch. I mean, I get his perfect body, and his cool telepathy, but he ended up with my stupid weak-ass bod and really long girl hair. /Jesus, if he wants to kill himself before this is over, I really don't blame him./ I was really starting to pity the guy.

A glass of water was placed easily on Heero's tray-table, and the pissy stewardess walked quickly away before I could even look at her. As before, she radiated annoyance, and I had to stop myself from tripping her in the aisle, just to make her mad. Heero sipped his water and looked at me. I could feel his eyes on me even though I was looking the other way. I turned around to face him, catching the unguarded expression on his face, which vanished as soon as he saw me.

"Hate my body yet?" I asked him out of pure curiosity after a few minutes of sitting, silently contemplating the subtle differences he brought to my face. Before he could vocalize a response, I knew that he was miserable. He kept unconsciously reaching out with his heart to feel various people around him, and it kept not working. He was really broke up over it.

"No. Its just different. Like being blind suddenly."

"AndI know there's more," I pressed, "But you keep covering up your thoughts. Quit it. Its annoying."

"I don't know how to _be._"

"What do you mean you don't know 'how to be?' You mean like with people? How to act and stuff?"

"Yeah, but its other people too. I never learned about different expressions and gestures. I don't know what people are really saying to me when they speak. I can't even feel if they're telling the truth or not! Duo, I'm scaredyou know how hard that is to say, you can feel it, can't you? I'm really, really scared."

I sat back. Heero was openly admitting this? What the hell happened to him when we were getting switched? He was SCARED?!? /Jesus, this is so not right, more like ass-backwards. When did _I_ become the stable one?/ I could feel the blindness he was talking about practically wafting off of him now, and I did the only thing I could think of to do. I pulled up the little armrest separating us and wrapped my arms around him in a comforting hug, stroking the soft chestnut hair out of his eyes and pulling him close.

"You're ok, Heero," I said quietly to him. I was surprised to find myself shoved away almost violently.

"Don't. I don't need pity Duo. Just stop it." He glared at me severely, wrestling my face into a horrible, malice-filled mask of anger. His hand was on my chest, holding me at arm's length. I hadn't even seen it coming. His entire being had been screaming for comfort! It was _still_ screaming for it! What the hell was wrong with him?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I tried to give Duo my very best glare, pushing him away from me. It was scary, he was so strong now! If he hadn't wanted to be moved, I never would have been able to do it, there was no way this new body could contend with my augmented strength.

"Don't. I don't need pity Duo. Just stop it."

"But-"

"No. Just let me be alone for awhile, ok?"

"Fine, but I want you to talk to me later, when you pull it together some more."

I glared at him for real this time, then turned in my seat so I was facing the tiny shuttle window. "I don't have a choice. But stay out of my head until we're on Earth. You can turn it down, like dimming lights. Just think about something else." I closed my eyes and urged Duo's hyper body to be tired. Fortunately it complied, and I drifted off into something like sleep, only more nervous and ready-for-anything.

~*~*~*~Earth~*~*~*~

Stepping off the shuttle into a brightly lit spaceport, I followed Duo's lead quietly as he lead us out of the massive complex to get a taxi. We took it straight to our current safehouse and Duo managed to talk us out of the small fair by charming the driver, which, I think, was more of a lucky break than anything else. I would have just taken off running and lost the taxi, but Duo insisted that we get out of it fairly, or send the money later. Personally I didn't care. I was feeling sick and hungry, and the cold was worse than ever. By the time we were inside, my teeth chattered audibly.

Duo picked the lock (our keys had not come with us to L1), using his lockpicks. He grumbled about how he would have to find a new place for them now that he didn't have long hair. I stayed silent, trying to ignore the hollow growls that were becoming louder by the minute. It hadn't been that long, but I desperately needed to eat something, or I feared I would pass out. This need for food would be a major setback on missions, I noted. Of course, there was nothing in the fridge, and we only had a few dollars in the room, so I didn't say anything about it. Curling up on my bed, I fell into a troubled slumber. There was no way to really sleep if I couldn't hear other people's thoughts and dreams, it was like a silence in my head. Didn't I have any of my own dreams? Sadly, I realized that the answer was a strong 'no.' I didn't count flickering memories of pain I 'd caused and received as dreams.

~*~*~*~

There was a light touch on my shoulder. I stirred into consciousness, reaching out with my heart to feel who was waking me. I felt nothing.

"Heero, get up." Who was talking? It sounded like my voicein my body. And me in his. No wonder I felt nothing with my sense; I didn't have it anymore. My stomach growled painfully, bringing me further into consciousness.

"Duo? How long was I sleeping?" My head felt all groggy, and I was shivering, so I rolled onto my back and opened my eyes. I was lying on my bed, looking up at Duo, who hovered worriedly over me. He brought so much expression and life to the face that I had permanently doomed to expressionless control, I was almost jealous. I looked around the room, seeing nothing but plain off-white and old, ugly dressers. There was a small door, which I knew lead to the tiny excuse for a kitchen that came with the apartment. Beside that door, further down the wall, was another that connected to the bathroom. On one wall we had our only window, and adjacent to it was the door to the hallway. My bed was across from the window, and Duo's was under it. We each had a beat up old dresser and shared a desk. That was it for furnishings, not even a bedside table between the two of us. No closets, no lamps. It was one of the nicest, most comfortable places I had ever lived.

"You were only out for like fifteen minutes, but you started tossing and stuff, so I figured you were having a bad dream. And how come you won't stop shivering? Its not cold in here at all ya know. Wanna go get something to eat, I can hear your stomach, it sounds weird, lets go." He pulled me up by my arm, crunching my hand painfully in the process. I jerked it away from him, biting my lip to ignore the pain.

"Did I hurt you?" Duo asked emphatically.

"No." I lied.

"So that would be why you're rubbing your hand, right? And Heero, who was the little girl?"

"What girl?"

"The one in your dream."

I stopped and turned to him, trying to hide the pain from my eyes. A strange feeling came over me, like I was choking, or couldn't swallow. I bit my lip and hastily twisted away from Duo, who's steel blue eyes were boring into me with an intensity unmatched. What was this obstruction in my throat? My eyes were burningwhat was going on with Duo's body? Was something wrong? The picture of a cheerful little girl handing me a flower in complete innocence stuck stubbornly in my mind, refusing to go away. Why was this happening? Like a movie, I watched as she gave me the flower and I looked at it. I clearly saw myself thinking, confused, about why she was being nice to me. I watched as my imagination played the scene it had created and forced me to witness a thousand-fold; a picture of my hand touching hers briefly as I accepted the strange gift, then jerking forward and pulling her to the ground. I could hear her cry out, and her dog rushed to her side, yipping excitedly. The imagined me took out a gun and shot the little girl in the mouth, then grabbed her dog's leash and yanked, snapping the animal's neck effortlessly. I saw myself walk away from the pair, blood leaking into the grass from the shattered hole in the dead girl's skull. I watched with no expression on my face as I walked backwards, calmly placing the gun back in its holster and then turning my back on the shattered lives and thoughtlessly walking away.

A slap on my cheek brought me back to myself.

"Heero! Stop it. That never happened and you know it. Now come get something to eat with me before you faint dead away." Duo's tone, in my voice, was severe and angry. /I guess he doesn't approve of self-pity. I knew he wouldn't like me if he knew me/

I brought my hand up to the stinging welt on my cheek, and was surprised to findtears? /That's not possible! I can't cry! And even if I couldwhy would I? Soldiers don't cry, Heero, get a grip. You're loosing it. You'll get your sense back someday, and you should learn to live without it. Its become a weakness. How many times have you been taught not to rely on anything? You haven't learned yet, have you? Now stop it, and go eat something./ I hastily wiped the tears off of my face and glared at Duo when he offered me a Kleenex. I stood, still cold, but at least I'd stopped shivering.

"Do we have any money? I had a few dollars" I went to my dresser and found ten dollars in the sock drawer. "Lets go."

"Get a sweater."

"I don't need one."

"Dude, you've been shivering for hours, if you don't get one you're gonna freeze and get sickand can you play soldier if you're sick? I really doubt it." Duo went into his dresser and pulled out an oversized black hoodie that had a big pocket on the front. He handed it to me. "I know I'm not your mother, but just wear the fuckin think, ok? I don't want you getting my body all sick because you're not used to taking care of a normal form. You don't really get cold much, do you?"

"No. Fine. I'll let you teach me to care for this body, and I will help you learn to control that one." I pointed at his chest. "You are going to end up hurting somebody." My stomach growled interruption, so we walked out of the apartment, locking the door behind us and heading to the elevator.

Outside of the building, Duo turned to me with an inquisitive look. "Whatch'ya wanna eat? Lessee, we've got Taco Bell, McDonald's, and some pizza place. The only one we can actually afford is McDonald's, I think. Let's go."

I looked at him, shocked. I couldn't hide it. "You're actually going to eat there?"

"Uh, yeah, why not? Aren't you hungry?"

"Well yeah, butMcDonald's? Are you sure?"

"Don't worry, they use good quality Chinese tabloids, and very little cat meat. If you're hungry, there isn't much else you can find for cheap that'll fill you up. Trust me, I'll order. You'll be fine."

With a wary glare, I let Duo take the drooping sleeve of my hoodie and lead me three blocks down the street to the frightening place. Well, it was his body, if he wanted me to eat this stuff, I guess that was his choice.

~*~*~*~

After waiting at a sticky table for ten minutes, Duo came and sat down with a tray piled high with tiny little hamburgers and a massive soft drink. He took two burgers and pushed the rest of the tray in my face. I was disgusted to find my mouth watering with anticipation. How could anyone eat this stuff?

"Go on, eat as many as you want, you don't seem to get it. If you don't eat a lot, you'll be hungry again in an hour. You wouldn't believe how much I can eat without getting sick." He unwrapped his burger and ate it greedily. I watched. He ate the second. I watched and poked at my 'food,' trying to fight the hunger that had nearly overwhelmed me by this point. Finally I opened one and ate.

An entire tray of burgers later I was sipping the drink and wondering if there was more. I had never, in my entire life, eaten so much at one sitting. I don't think I'd ever eaten so much I one _day!_ Duo laughed at me and dragged me back to the apartment.

"Alrighty then, lets start lookin' into schools for us. How about we try for something where we can live on campus, 'cause I don't think we could do it from here, there aren't any schools in the area. I don't have a car or a license, you? Didn't think so. Ookee, how about this one?" He pointed to a school that was fairly close to this city on the list of possibilities we'd compiled on my laptop. I really didn't care, so I agreed. We emailed the school, enrolled, picked our classes and started packing out few belongings.

Tomorrow we would start our very first day at the St. James' Secondary Academy.