Essence
Part Nine
By Lady AngelFiren


We got Heero to the hospital and I had to force myself not to growl at the nurses and hurt them when they wouldn't let me go in with him. I was forced to wait in some stupid fucking excuse for a waiting room while all the freaky old people I didn't know poked and prodded him and saw to it that he would get better. It was damned frustrating!

So I was left to my thoughts after the docs took Heero away. They had me fill out some forms about his medical history and such, then they told me I could wait or I could go home for the night. And I'll be damned if they thought I was gonna leave! Nunh unh! No way!

I probably should have hunted down Relena and slowly ripped her apart, but Heero was more important than revenge at the moment. I think. I was wondering what was up with her, though. I mean, where does she get off beating _my_ Heero with a baseball bat like that? Its INJUSTICE, DAMNIT! I sat in the happy waiting room chairs and breathed in the stench and feeling of sickness as I contemplated what could possibly make Relena act the way she did. It wasn't right, wasn't sane. I didn't think that if we caught her, that she'd have any memory at all of what she had done. It was like there were two Relena's inside one body, and one of them was a complete bitch.

I strained my new ability and tried to pick something up from Heero, but he must have been unconscious, because I couldn't catch a god-damned thing. I didn't even know where in the building he was! After what felt like forever but was closer to being about two hours, a tired-looking doctor came into the room and coughed to get my attention, then introduced himself as Doctor Keene. I stood up and glared at him in a very Heero-ish way, folding my arms over my chest.

"Well?"

"Mr. Maxwell? I'd like to ask you a few questions."

"Shoot." I was not pleased. Dr. Keene seemed to be so tired that all I could pick up from him was a blur of his day's events and an underlying honesty and devotion to his work. Even if he didn't give me good news, I knew already that he was being honest and that he would do his very best to ensure each of his patients was as healthy as possible, including Heero.

"Could you give me a synopsis of what happened? Heero told us, but I would like to have your side of the story as well."

"His spine had an unfortunate meeting with a baseball bat at the hands of a crazy girl. That's it. I found him and brought him here. I guess I shouldn't have moved him, but it wasn't like I had a choice. Is he gonna be ok?"

The doc rubbed his face a bit tiredly and looked at me. "Its too soon to tell. He's sleeping now, but you can go see him. He did break his back, and it caused the nerves running to his lower body to be pinched. We have to wait until the swelling clears up a bit before we can try to fix him up. I think it would be best if you went home and got a good night's sleep, then came back tomorrow. He wont get any worse, in fact he probably wont feel very weak or sick at all. I can't tell you if he'll walk again for a few days. Go home Mr. Maxwell."

I shook my head at him. "He'll walk again. He's tough. I want to stay here with him, can I get a chair to sleep in or something?"

"Mr. Maxwell"

"I'm staying."

"Very well, Tina will show you to his room. He won't be awake until the morning, we sedated him so that he wouldn't damage anything by moving or trying to get up."

A young chick that couldn't have been much older than me came into the room, smiling, but she also looked very tired. She led me through some halls and up one floor, then down another hall until she reached Heero's room. The door was open a few inches. She pushed it open all the way and let me in.

"Goodnight Mr. Maxwell, there will be nurses coming in throughout the night to monitor his condition and check on him. Press the call button if you need something."

She smiled again and closed the door, scampering off to do whatever else she had to do. I felt her gentle mind's presence retreating as she got further away, until it finally blended into the rest of the hospital. I was trying my very best not to feel anyone else in the building, but the gradual ebb of tired pain was all around me. I really hate hospitals.

Heero, in my body of course, was laying on his back on a flat bed, a heart monitor beeping faithfully beside him. The soft rise and fall of his breaths filled the room, and there was only the glow of various humming machinery to accompany me as I made my way over the light tiled floor to the bed.

He was wearing one of those stupid hospital gowns and had a warm-looking blanket pulled over him. Good. I didn't want him getting cold, I had noticed how much it seemed to bother him ever since the switch. There was an IV poking out of his arm. The clear plastic tube led to a sugar-saline solution hanging from one of those stupid, tall IV stand things. There was a worn Lazy-Boy in the corner by his bed; somewhere for me to sleep.

I went over to him, not really comfortable around the calmly beeping machine and the little lights in the room. Everything looked so sterile and cold, it was freaky. I took one of Heero's hands in both of mine, feeling the blood beat through him, assuring me that he was very much alive. I couldn't get anything but a small glow out of him, because he was sedated. He slept peacefully and dreamlessly. The forced rest was probably good for him, aside from the whole spinal issue.

"Jesus Heero." I said quietly, looking at his face. He actually didn't look that sick, not like out of a movie or something. He just looked like he was sleeping flat on his back. It made me think he was dead and in a coffin for a second, but I quickly forced my mind away from any morbid thoughts as I leaned over and brushed a kiss on Heero's forehead, then moved my lips to his. They were slack and unmoving; his jaw fell partially open and stayed that way when I kissed him. He was almost completely limp, but he was still breathing so I told myself it was ok, gently pushing his mouth shut again.

I sat in the chair, staring at the rise and fall of Heero's chest as I thought about what was happening. I would have to pay Relena for this. Fuckin bitch. Everything was starting to work out; Heero was starting to act like a bit of a person, then she goes and squashes all my hopes and happiness flat with her stupid baseball bat. How could she!?? What was wrong with her anyway?

I resigned myself to think nicer thoughts, positive thoughts, and settled further into the chair to sleep. There was a blanket put there for me. I got up and laid it over Heero. This body didn't really get cold, but I knew he'd appreciate the extra warmth. I sat down again and put the footrest up, then closed my eyes and listened to Heero's breathing as I drifted to sleep. The din of pain and age around me from the rest of the hospital was never far off, but I was determined to stay with Heero anyway.

~*~*~*~

Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to the presence of Solo hovering in the room. Looking around I saw that there wasn't anyone but Heero and myself, aside from the ghost. My jealousy surged as Solo wrapped his essence around Heero, completely ignoring me. I could feel Heero's subconscious mind reacting to the comfortable warmth Solo provided, as if he were snuggling into my dead friend, even as he slept.

The pulsing feeling Solo created was strong, I think he must have been speaking to Heero, but I could hear nothing of what he said. I was not just angry now, but hurt, singed. Solo was my friend, but he spoke softly to Heero while he was sleeping? Where the hell was he when _I_ was sleeping badly? Where was Solo when _I_ was sick? He was just dead. But for Heero, it seemed, even the dead weren't quite gone.

I looked at Heero. His body didn't move, his heart-rate stayed the same, and his face still looked as if he were simply sleeping, but I suspected that the drug was wearing off and he was sleeping normally now. I was caught between storming out of the cool room to vent my anger elsewhere, and accepting that Solo simply didn't love me anymore. He must have chosen Heero for some reason. I knew it wasn't fair to Heero that I be even slightly upset over this, but it really hurt to feel Solo all around me and not be able to even communicate with him unless it regarded Heero.

I folded my arms and closed my eyes, trying to go back to sleep. Obviously I was too pissed to calm down enough to sleep. Duh. Heero made a soft, contented sigh and Solo's presence faded for a second, thinning out and dissipating. There was something that could have passed as a whimper, but it was more like a moan from Heero, and I felt Solo materialize, stronger than before. There was more gentle pulsing, the feeling I had come to believe was Solo talking to Heero, the he was gone again, floating away like some kind of ominous cloud being swept off. Ok, I was feeling a bit cynical. So sue me.

I growled unintentionally, evoking no reaction from Heero, then got up and left the room, pulling the door partially shut. I had to get out of there, the room was starting to get tiny and stuffy, and I was feeling bitter as hell.

Trying my best not to stomp, I took the stairs down to the ground floor and walked out into the cool night. The heavy feeling the hospital had given me lifted, and I instantly felt better. I was still seething angrily over what had just happened, however. I needed to cool off or something. It was too far to go back to the school anyway, and I was flat broke.

I walked off to the little park behind the hospital. It was dotted with random trees and benches. The sound of crickets chirping was soothing to my angry heart. I sat heavily on a bench and put my head in my hands, sighing.

Heero's short, thick hair was between my fingers. I could see the ochre sneakers on my feet and feel the unnatural strength that was rushing through me, despite how weary I felt. It was just so _wrong!_ I was way too angry for my own good, like I could really hurt something right now and not care. I wanted to find Relena and kill her so badly that I clenched my hands into fists and yanked on my hair, growling in frustration at the small pain it caused me.

"Shit." I muttered quietly, hating the cool sound of my voice. It sounded sosingle. Like being in this stupid body made me into my very own island, someone who didn't need any contact with anyone.

/Why couldn't Solo love _me?_/ I thought, slamming both fists down on the bench. The wood groaned and splintered a bit in protest, but I felt better sorta. Then I remembered why I was strong enough to make the wood do that and I growled again.

"Damnit!"

I got up and walked through the park some more, still feeling angry and alone. I am not immune to self-pity. I eventually stalked back up to the room, getting myself a bottle of water on the way.

I went over to Heero after shutting the door as quietly as I was able. He was, on all accounts, sleeping as peacefully as could be. I brushed the spiky bangs out of his face and kissed his cheek, holding his hand for a minute and just staring at him. He was me, but he wasn't. It was really strange, like the former Duo Maxwell had dried up and become this new creature inhabited by someone else entirely. Well, that wasn't altogether untrue.

I sighed yet again and hunkered down in my chair to wait the night out, there was no way I could go back to sleep now.

Sleep got the better of me and I drifted off in a matter of minutes. Stupid sleep.

~*~*~*~

The next morning I awoke to a soft sounding whimper. Opening my eyes and stretching out of what could have been the most uncomfortable resting position I have ever tried, I saw Heero moving a bit on his bed. My eyes flew all the way open and I was there in half a second, reaching for his hand and looking into his eyes with concern.

"Heero? Are you alright?"

Heero blinked at me sleepily, his big indigo eyes only opening halfway. He nodded his head after a second. "Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"Hi."

"Hi. Do you want me to get the doctor? Do you hurt anywhere? I was so worried"

"No, I'm ok. Did you stay here all night?"

I smiled down at him and sat on the bed beside him. "Yes, I did. The doctor told me last night that he wont know anything until the swelling goes down, so you're stuck here for a few days. I figured you might want company."

Heero yawned and stretched his arms over his head. He was giving off a slow, calm radiation of sleepiness. I leaned down and planted a kiss on his nose, then his lips, and gave him a hug.

"Duo? UhmI have to go to the bathroomI think I need help getting there." Distress and embarrassment, and a clear picture of Heero falling on the floor, unable to get up came from his mind. I squeezed his hand.

"Don't be upset, I'll get you a nurse. I would help, but I don't know if I am supposed to move you. I really would hate myself if I made something worse. I'll be right back." Heero nodded and I dashed out of the room and flagged down the first nurse I saw. She smiled and came over to me. Her nametag said 'Annette.'

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I hope so. My friend is in this room right here. He just woke up and I think he needs some help."

The nurse smiled at me again and a picture of Heero formed in her mind. "Heero right? I think he'll remember me, we met last night. The poor boy, I'll help him out right away."

I followed the nurse and she walked into Heero's room. "Good morning Heero, need a little help?"

Heero nodded. "I have to pee."

Annette nodded and unfolded a wheelchair I hadn't even noticed sitting against a wall of the room. She rolled it over to Heero's bed, then went to the foot of the bed and lowered it. Then she pulled the covers off of Heero and lifted him, one arm under his knees and one under his arms. She set him in the chair. His legs hung limply onto the floor, and he tried to prop himself up on one of the armrests, a tight frown on his face and horrible embarrassment wafting off of him very strongly. He looked at me.

"Duo, why don't you go eat breakfast or something, ok?"

I smiled sadly, it was clear that he didn't want me to see him so helpless. I went out of the room and down to the cafeteria, trying not to think of the way his legs were hanging onto the floor and bending at the ankles where his feet should have been holding them up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I watched Duo go, biting my lip and trying not to cry. When he was gone, I used my arms to hoist one leg at a time onto the footrests. They were dead weight in my grasp. I could faintly feel my hands on my legs, but when I told them to move, nothing happened. Annette squeezed my shoulder.

"Heero, he's your friend, you shouldn't make him leave like that."

"I know, but I had to. I can't let him watch this, its pathetic and you know it. Can I pee now?" I was frustrated and hurt, I wanted to get up and walk over to the bathroom all by myself, but it just wasn't happening. My already wounded pride was slowly being stamped into the ground, deeper and deeper. That look in Duo's eyes, like I was something only half-whole, it really hurt. I know he didn't mean to let that show, but I caught it, even without my sense. He was still my friend, but we weren't equals anymore. He had the strength, the mobility, he had the sixth sense; Duo wasn't doing so badly. Here I was wallowing in self-pity like an attention-starved child. I frowned and told myself to stop being so pathetic. They were only legs; I still had my mind, I was still me.

Annette wheeled me over to the washroom in the hall and took me inside. She lifted me off of the chair and set me on the toilet. After my business was done, I tried to turn around to flush, unconsciously putting weight on one of my legs. I fell off the toilet in an ungraceful heap onto the cold, white tile floor.

Annette was at my side in an instant. I pushed her away, growling out a stiff "No, I'll do it myself," and taking a second to make sure she wasn't trying to help me. I looked at the chair in front of me. It looked like it was three kilometers high, but I was absolutely determined not to let Annette help me. I belly-crawled over to the chair, forcing myself not to wince as I put pressure on my already abused stomach and arms.

I grasped the bottom bars of the chair and pulled it into a position I thought would work. Then I reached up for the armrests and tried to pull myself up. I slipped and banged my face on a footrest, cursing. Annette came over and hovered worriedly. She looked like a ten-story building from where I was on the floor. The sad thing is that normally, I would be taller than her. She started to bend down as blood began to trickle down onto my lips from my nose.

"Go away Annette, I can do this for myself." This time, I reached behind the chair and flipped on the brake, so it wouldn't slide away again. I held one armrest and put a palm on one footrest and tried to get up that way. It didn't work. I slid onto the floor again. Sighing, tears beginning to sting my eyes, I tried my original trick of pulling myself up using the armrests.

I was more successful that time around. I managed to get my chest onto the seat of the chair. Grabbing the back of it, I pulled myself up and twisted into a sitting position, then I lifted each leg onto a footrest and looked angrily at Annette. I knew I couldn't wheel myself yet, at this point I would fall out of the chair and land on my face.

Annette pushed me back to my room and put me back in the bed. She hiked up the head of the mattress at a comfortable angle and pulled the blankets over me. I glared at her and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Next time, Heero, you should let me help you. I think your nose has already stopped bleeding, you should be ok. I'll be back with your breakfast in a little while."

"Fine." I bit out. She left and I watched her go. That's when I noticed the other person in the room. Duo was sitting in the lazy-boy, looking at me with open concern. I wanted to hit him for that look, like I was a helpless child. I turned my glare on him. "I thought you were at the cafeteria."

"I was, I came back here to see if you were done yet. You know, if you weren't so stubborn, you wouldn't be so miserable, Heero. What happened to your face?"

"I was being stubborn." I saw no point in trying to convince Duo of anything, he could read my thoughts. He knew what had happened, most likely. Duo got up and came over to sit on the bed beside me. He tried to take one of my hands, and I wouldn't let him.

"Heero, I know this is difficult, but you're only making it harder on yourself if you don't let people help you. I know you aren't mad, you're scared. I can feel it. Don't be. I'm not giving up on you. Now, didn't Annette say something about breakfast? I'm hungry." Duo grinned at me and poked me in the ribs. I squirmed and uncrossed my arms to push his finger away, trying not to smile. He grabbed my hands and held them so I couldn't move, then he leaned close and kissed my lips.

It was just a soft little peck, but I felt better. I felt a lot better, actually; like he really did see that I wasn't just some sad little wheelchair kid, but another person. I could still hack anything faster than he could think about it. I wasn't worthless.

I didn't get a chance to thank him, because Annette knocked on the door and came into the room with a tray of breakfast. She set it on one of those tables that extends over the bed, and smiled at Duo knowingly. I was missing whatever silent conversation they were having; I didn't get it. Annette left and shut the door gently behind her.

"Ahh, the sweet smell of hospital food in the morning. No wonder all the people here are sick. Look at this stuff!! I'm going to buy you some real food, what would you like?"

"I'll eat this Duo, its fine. You're broke anyway."

"Yeah, but I can still get you something to eat"

"No. You are _not_ stealing food from a hospital! Don't you have any shame?"

Duo shook his head no and grinned, then moved out of the way so I could eat. After a few bites I was starting to reconsider Duo's proposition. I think that the thing on my plate had egg in it, and the cold, black little triangles were toast, but this was just gross. I finished about half off the stuff before I pushed the tray away with disgust.

"How can anyone eat that stuff?"

Duo broke into a fit of giggles from his spot in the lazy-boy. He rolled the tray away from the bed for me and sat down again. "So what are you supposed to do all day? Just lay here? That's no fun! Let's do something Heero! I'm bored!"

"You're impossible Duo." I shivered a bit, it was cold in the hospital. Duo most likely caught my feeling of cold, because he pulled the extra blanket over me and tucked it in. The flimsy hospital gown wasn't exactly warm, and all the blankets were too short. I hate hospitals.

There was a knock on the door and Annette came back in and picked up my tray. She turned to me. "Heero, Dr. Keene will be here momentarily to see how your doing. Tell him if anything hurts or whatever, so that he knows." She left again. The doctor was back already? Didn't he ever sleep? A few minutes later the kindly man stepped into the room and smiled at me tiredly.

"Good morning Heero. Time to see how we're doing. What happened to your face?"

"I was being stubborn."

"Ah. Mr. Maxwell, I'll only be in here for a few minutes, why don't you come back in about ten, alright?"

Duo got up and left me laying on the bed. He shut the door behind him. I wondered how he felt, being constantly dismissed. Probably useless.

The doctor asked me a few questions about how I felt. I told him that my legs were half numb and I couldn't move them at all. He nodded and started to poke around, eventually turning me over on my stomach. He felt around my back, making small comments to himself. He turned me back over and looked into my eyes. "Mr. Yuy, there is still some swelling, but it has gone down considerably. We should be able to tell how permanent this condition is in a day or two. You heal very quickly. And try to feel a bit better, go outside and get some sun. I'll see you tomorrow."

Dr. Keene left just as Duo was coming back in. He stopped Duo and told him something that I didn't quite catch, then Duo nodded and came over to me with a paper baggie. I looked at it in question. He smiled at me, somehow squeezing open warmth out of my face when I had not been able to do it my whole life.

"Warm bagel with cream cheese. I'm taking you for a ride in the park, and you get to eat a warm bagel with cream cheese. See? Its not so bad!! C'mon, quit glarin' at me and let me help you put some clothes on. Turns out there's a decent lost and found, I have clothes for you. Duo pulled a pair of jeans, a tee-shirt, and a sweatshirt out of the bag hanging off his arm and tossed them on the bed. He came over to me and pulled my blankets off. I shivered and glared at him. He grinned.

"We're getting you dressed and in that chair whether you like it or not, and then we're going for a walk through the park. But first I think I'm brushing your hair, its all messy! Jesus Heero, have you combed since you got in my bod? It looks like a giant rat's nest!!"

Duo pulled a brush out of somewhere and went around the bed and climbed up beside me. I looked at him strangely. Did he expect me to just scoot over and sit up for him? I don't think he knew how limited my movements wee at the time; I've never known Duo to be inconsiderate. Unless you count his incessant talking, but that had been welcome company lately, especially now that it was so quiet in my head, and my heart.

"Well, turn around so I can brush your hair! C'mon! C'mon!!"

"Ican't sit up by myself. I need your help Duo."

"Ohyeah. Ok, I'm movin' you then." Duo's arms came under my armpits and he effortlessly moved me so my legs were hanging off of the bed and my back was to him. Carefully, he let me go. I held myself up with my arms, but I was leaning forward, putting all of my upper body weight on them. I couldn't even sit up by myselfI was really getting upset and embarrassed. Of course ever intelligent Duo had to point this out.

"Heero, don't be embarrassed, you can't help this, ok? Lean back against me, I'll hold you up and brush out your hair. There you go, you're ok, man." Duo wrapped his arms around me from behind and pulled me to him, planting a kiss on my cheek. He leaned me back against his chest. I was sitting between his legs. He began to brush my hair out, talking to me. Everything about him was positive and strong and encouraging. I had never seen him like that. It felt nice, and forty minutes later when he gave me another hug and set me back so I was laying on the bed again, I almost asked him to just hold me for awhile longer. But obviously I didn't say anything, after a small 'thank you.'

"No problem, now, its sunny out and you are due for fresh air. Let's go."

I wanted to tell Duo 'no,' and have him lay down beside me and hold me some more. I wanted it really badly, but before I knew it I was sitting in the chair again, with Duo pushing me around, down the halls, into the elevator, and out of the stuffy hospital into the green park behind it. The sun touched my skin warmly and I felt a little better.

This was a pretty nice place to be, I had to admit. It was dotted with random trees and benches, and it stretched back really far, touching upon some woods at one end, and, of course, the hospital on the other. There were a few other people outside, either being pushed around in wheelchairs or walking. Duo pushed me over the smoothly paved path that wound through the whole park. I don't think I weighed anything to him, he was pushing the chair one-handed and gesturing avidly with the other.

I watched the pavement at my feet as it slowly inched past me, grabbing some of my hair and fidgeting with it in my fingers. Duo eventually rolled me over to one of the bigger trees and stopped under it. There was a little wooden bench under the willow, and it seemed private, sort of hidden away from the world. Duo put me in front of the bench, then he sat down so he was facing me.

I looked at him questioningly. What the hell was he doing?

He frowned, then his face became sort of neutral. "Just be patient Heero, I just wanted to tell you what I've been thinking about this. I mean, If its permanent, I say we go pay a visit to J and G and see if they can do something for it. One of us has to live in that body, and no matter who it is, we both need to be able to use our legs."

I nodded to him, but didn't say anything. He would just read any thoughts I had about the situation before I could explain them to him.

And what _did_ I think? I was angry, about not being able to walk, and about needing help to do something as mundane as pee. I was scared, that I'd be the one stuck like this for the rest of my life, and I was caught between wondering who should rightfully be prisoner in this form, and who should get to live free and strong in my natural form. It was a paradox, this was all wrong. By switching us, G and J had messed with the natural way of things, and now Duo and I were paying the price with our losses.

Duo told me that he agreed completely with my way of thinking, and with my opinion of the situation. He didn't know which of us should stay in his body, or how to make that choice. Sighing, Duo got up and wheeled me back into the hospital.