Author: Crux
Email: crux@toast.com
Part: 1/? - Changed
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Set 5 years after "As You Were". Spike fled Sunnydale after Buffy left him, but now he's changed and comes finally back. But is he still welcome?
Disclaimer: Not mine (except the plot), so don't sue. No infringement intended. Buffy and guys belong to Joss and the title was snatched from The Scorpions. I mean no harm, so don't fry me :).
Distribution: Take it, take it away! But I'd be terribly pleased if you told me where it was going.
Feedback: I'm a feedback-whore :). Bring it on!
*****
Part One - Changed (Spike's POV)
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It does not cease to amaze me how many things can change in five years.
It's almost funny, actually. Sure, one could say it was me who is changed and... Hell, the one saying that couldn't probably have more truth behind his or her words, but it still I claim that I'm not the only one changed. Nobody can escape time and the unavoidable consequences it brings with it.
You know, it's still difficult for me to look back to those few days before my departure from Sunnyhell all those years ago. My heart still wails after her retreating back. Oh, how I wanted to say something to make her stay, how I wanted to try to make things better for the two of us. But it would've never have worked, I understand it now.
I can even admit it. Buffy would never have loved me.
The sex between us was good. No, the sex was absolutely magnificent, a true Heaven. But it wasn't enough. Not even nearly. I loved her, I loved her with all my heart and I still do, but she didn't love me back. Told me she never would. I guess that in the end it was the 'not having a soul' thing that bothered her the most of all, since my Poof of a Sire was a creature of the night, too. Perhaps it would have been too straining for her to fall asleep every night beside me and be afraid that I can't control my appetites during the night. Not that I would have bitten her. Never, not while I bloody unlived.
But it still stings. She didn't trust me. I would have done my everything for her, she knew I would have, and yet she didn't trust me. Not a big booster for my self-esteem, that's for sure.
I have never regretted my decision to leave. Some would say that it was a cowardly thing from me to do, to flee to L.A. to start a new life there, but it was my only option at the moment. I couldn't stick around her anymore, not if I wanted to keep my sanity and at least some shreds of my wounded pride. And as I said, I haven't regretted it. I love her, but I just couldn't take it anymore.
My life has been pretty good this far. Yes, it took very much out of me to crawl back to Angel and ask for his help, but a bloke's gotta do what a bloke's gotta do to survive. Too many vampires and demons knew about me helping the Slayer and her geeky little friends and let me just say, it really did no good to my reputation as the Big Bad. Without Angel, I'd probably be dust at the moment. I owe much to him, maybe even too much.
But he's not the only one who helped me. Cordy was the one who really got me back on my feet. Bloody hell, who knew that girl had so much character in her? The petty little cheerleader from highschool had gotten herself a real life and some real friends. She was happy, I could see it right away. I remember Buffy and Willow sometimes talking about her, and let me tell you, those were not good things they said. But apparently, they weren't true, either. Not anymore, at least. Because Cordy is the reason I'm the man I am today. Well, yeah, I didn't always appreciate her helping me in my situation, but in the end, it's really her I should be thanking. Because of her, I'm not angry anymore.
And because of her, I'm human.
Oh, right, I didn't remember to tell you about it, now did I? It's really true, I'm a human now. All soul-having, alive and living, breathing and heart-beating, chocolate and ice-cream loving, walking in the sunshine -human. Surprised, aren't ya? And although you won't probably believe it, I'll say it anyway: I like it better this way. Yeah, my life-span has shrinked from eternity to what, maybe seventy, eighty years at its best, but I'd still choose a life of mortal over a life as a vampire.
But it wasn't always like that, at least not in the beginning. You really wanna know what happened? Okay, let me tell you, then.
It was this one, actually quite a pretty night about a year and a half ago. There I was, brooding my unlife away, just like the Mighty Ol' Poofini, and wasting away perfectly amiable nights when I could've done anything I wanted. Little did I know they'd be my last. If I had known, I would have spent them in a more reasonable way. Maybe a bit of violence and bloodbath or some nice vampire girl with a set of beautiful white fangs... But no, I just had to be sitting at Angel's, sulking around and drinking pig's blood.
The little gang of Angel's was after some chaos demon who had just gotten into town, and although I have always had a particular hate towards that certain breed, I just didn't possess the energy to participate in the hunt. So I was left veggin' at the sofa and I was fine by me. I watched a bit of telly and cursed my unlife. Nothing ever happened and I was frustrated. Then I got an idea. It was a stupid one, I understand that now, but at the moment it felt very necessary. I wanted to vent my anger and what could have been more fun way to do it than to break some stuff?
So I stood up and grabbed the first breakable thing that I saw. It was a flower vase Cordy had placed on the living-room table. I lifted it -- roughly, I might add -- and by accident, a lot of water splashed on me. Usually, it would have been nothing to me, but this time was different. The vase was full of Holy Water, you see.
So, there I was, howling in pain and trying to strip my sodden shirt as fast as possible. I ran to the kitchen so I could stick my burnt hands under some icy water, all the while swearing retribution to that 'tight-ass little bint, who had absolutely no common sense'. And while ranting on about how my revenge was going to be a terrible and a painful one, I didn't hear a visitor come in. And as ashamed I am to admit this, I didn't sense him either, not until it was almost too late.
The stupid git had me already by my throat when I got into action. Needless to say, it was a short fight. Not many demons can hold up to a master vampire over a hundred years old. I just reached for the knife I always kept in my left boot and killed the bastard. Well, okay, it took me a while to find the right spot -- the bugger was clad in an armour, dammit! -- but after that, it was quite simple, really. Just a few minor stabs in the forehead and the great warrior was dead.
And unfortunately, I wasn't. Not anymore.
The others found me lying on the floor, unconscious, when they came back.
Gunn cracked some jokes about the Big Bad not being able to hold his liquor and about fainting on the floor like some scared little girl, but he shut up quite quickly as Cordy threatened to bitch-slap him around if he couldn't control that big mouth of his. Then she offered me a glass of water and asked what had happened. I think I was a bit dazed still -- okay, a lot dazed -- because I didn't really notice the differences in my body. Angel on the on the other hand did, and the most peculiar expression rose on his usually so broody face. It was half horrified and half relieved and to quote the Whelp himself, it really gave me the wiggins. And that's when I, too, felt it.
My heart was beating, fast.
And that's when I fainted again.
When I came to the second time that evening, I got the first degree from Angel. I told him about the warrior and saw his eyes widen. I considered it weird when he seemed to know exactly what the demon had looked like, and I asked him if he had met one of them before. He didn't say anything, just nodded.
He asked me where the body was. I had had time to dump it into the garbage, and Angel went out to take a look. When he came back, our doubts were confirmed. It had been a Mohra-demon, a killer of warriors who treaded on the side of Good. It had probably come here to kill Angel but got me instead.
They told me Mohra-demons had regenerative blood flowing in their veins and that it had healing powers. If it was mixed with vampire's blood, it caused the vampire to gain his mortality again, as in become alive again. Then they asked if I had any wounds on my skin when I fought it, and I told them about the Holy Water -episode, casting murderous glances at Cordy all the while. And there it was, the horrible truth. I was a human.
The next part of the story is embarrassing, let me tell you. After the initial shock, I ordered Angel to turn me vamp again. He refused and I got the fits. I was quite pathetic, really. I was hugging Angel's legs in my desperation, sobbing my now-alive heart out and pleading for him to turn me. He still refused, and as you can probably already guess, I didn't take it too well. In fact, I became stark raving mad.
First I attacked Cordy. After all, it was all her fault. She hadn't told me about the little Holy Water surprises around the house and because of that, I had burned myself and the demon blood had mixed with my own. I screamed and raged, telling her I'd strangle her the first opportunity I had. She hid behind Gunn and Wesley, but it didn't stop me from trying to get my hands on her pretty little body and make it meet its inevitable death. It took two powerful blows from Angel and a threat of dusting to calm me down. Cordy's face was ashen and tears were falling from her eyes and I remember feeling extremely satisfied when I saw it. That satisfaction was short-lived, though, since Angel promised to gut me if I even looked at her the wrong way. Then he dragged me away from them.
We had a long talk with Angel afterwards. He told me everything about his meeting with the Mohra-demon and turning human again. He told me about Buffy and about the sacrifice he had made. He told me about the dreams he still had, the ones in which he was human again and he could love Buffy the way she deserved to be loved. And then he told me he would never, ever turn me again, no matter what I did. He told me that this was my gift and I should regard it as such and not go and throw it to the wolves. He told me I should learn to accept my faith.
And although it took a while, I did. Accept it, I mean. That's when Cordy stepped into the picture again.
I believe she was a bit nervous in my presence -- I had tried to kill her, after all. She was afraid that I would still accuse her of my turning human, but I assured her that I did not. Truth to be told, I still did, but I just wanted to have somebody I could talk to. Angel and his broodiness were a big turn-off. Even the sanest man would lose his mind with him. Na-uh, I just couldn't stand him in the long run.
But Cordy, she was everything I needed at the moment. We had lots and lots of these long talks about everything there is to talk about. I told her about my unsuccessful relationship with Buffy, about my love for her and Nibblet, about my life in Sunnydale in general and about how I really wanted to go back and make it all work. She told me about her dream to become an actress, about how her life had changed when she had come to L.A., about her undying love for Angel, about how she knew she was never going to have him and about her desperation over how things were meant to be. Somewhere during those talks, we really got to know and trust each other. And if somebody would ask me about her, I would say that she was my best friend. I imagine she would say just the same about me.
We even dated for a while, you know. No, we didn't have any deeper feelings towards each other, it was just a little scheme we came up with to annoy Angel and make him realise his true feelings for Cordy. And lucky us, it worked perfectly. All it needed was one steamy kiss from me to Cordy in front of Angel and vóila! Angel was acting like a jealous lover and Cordy had the time of her life. From what I have gathered, they're working hard to find a loophole in Angel's curse. The true happiness -clause, you know the drill. But I feel happy for them. They're fortunate to have each other.
As for my own loved ones, I have kept in touch with my contacts in Sunnyhell and I know exactly how Buffy and Nibblet and the others are doing. They don't know anything about me, though. Angel phones Buffy every once in a while, but I have asked him not to tell her anything about me. It's easier this way. Out of sight, out of mind, they say. I'm not sure if that's completely true, though, because I still love them both, with all my heart. And I hope at least Nibblet still loves me, too. But I didn't want them to know about me until I was ready to meet them.
So, you see, I have changed. I still help Angel and his crew when something bad happens, but I have a life of my own now. Hell, I even got a job. Who on Earth would ever have imagined me as a professional writer? William, that poetry-writing little wuss from the 19th century should have realised he didn't have the writing skills needed. But Spike, the vampire-turned-human badass finally got it. He tried something new, and he succeeded. He did have the skill. But what did he write? Poetry? Gods, no. Horror stories for the masses. You tell me, what could have been more suitable thing for me to do?
That's pretty much what I do these days. I have also adopted my old name back, William Chamberlain. A poofy name for a poofy guy I am. I hope I still haven't lost the touch, though. I know the old Spike is still lurking somewhere inside me, I just don't let him out as often as I did before. I've learned to control myself. The demon was banished when the soul returned, but the attitude is still the same. Like Cordy says, I'm still a pain in the ass, but at least a human one now.
Yes, things have indeed changed.
You know, although that all happened already quite a long time ago, it still took all this time for me to gather my courage and take the necessary leap fo a new start. That's why I'm here today. Yes, you probably guess what I'm up to, and all I can say is that you're exactly right.
I'm on my way back to good ol' Sunnyhell. Back to the Hellmouth. Back to my Nibblet and her beautiful eyes and witty jokes. Back to the Whelp and the demon girlfriend of his. Back to the shy witch and her stuttering. Back to Red and her magic. Back to Buffy, back to the gretest love of my life and unlife. I'm going back to them all and I hope I'm still welcome.
And you want to know something? It all scares the Hell out of me.
TBC