She pulled into the garage and let the door down to protect him from the light.
"We're here sweetie." She called to the blanket covered lump in the back seat.
Spike cautiously lifted his out from beneath the blanket and smiled at her, "Don't
move." He opened the car door and got out then opened her car door and
gently lifted her from the seat.
"I think I can walk." She giggled as he fumbled with the key to the house, "Well
since you've taken a few days off might as well take it easy." He told her as
he carried her into the living room and sat her gently on the couch, smiling at
her he placed the palm of his hand on her flat belly, "Something important
trying to happen in there."
She took his hand in her own and placed a kiss in the palm, "Trying? No I have
a feeling about this Spike it is "going" to work." Her eyes were bright with hope and
he nodded his head in silence hoping she was right. He could see her planning on
this before it had happened, optimism was good but he did want to see her
hopes crushed if the procedure didnt' work the first time.
One week later
"Will you be home on time tonight?" He asked as she quickly ate her breakfast
and took the prenatal vitamin the doctor had prescribed when she had talked
about wanting to get pregnant.
"Maybe a little late, Albert has another date. He's becoming quite the ladies man."
Buffy smiled as she gathered her purse, "I have shipement coming and if I feel like
it, I may try to shelve part of it tonight."
"I could come help if you like, you might want to avoid all that lifting for a bit."
Her smile brightened, "That might be nice. I mean there's no reason to avoid
lifting.....yet."
He could hear the hope, the anxiousness in her voice, one more week and they
would go in for the blood work. One week until they would know for sure. "I'll be
there at dusk and I'll bring chinese."
"Thank you." She said tenderly and he could tell she was thanking him for more
then just the promise of eggrolls and wonton soup.
"Your welcome." He replied leaning his head against hers until their foreheads met.
"I better go." She smiled as she leaned forward and kissed his lips with a
gentleness and sincerity that made him reach for her and return the kiss.
After several moments, she pulled back, "I really have to go now. See you tonight."
He watched her go through a narrow slit in the curtain. He loved her .... it still
awed him exactly how much.
*****
"If I do get pregnant, " Buffy smiled at him as she took the last eggroll and dipped
it in the soy sauce, "I will have to pick up an occasional book, I work in a bookstore."
She laughed. "You haven't let me pick up even one small box tonight."
"Not true, pet. Just that I was closer to the boxes and it was easier for me to get
them." He picked at the fried rice in the box, "I just want everything to be okay,
pet."
"It will be, Spike." She put down the last bite of eggroll and took his hand, "It's
all going to work out, I just know it."
"I want it to all work out, but I also don't want you dissappointed, luv." He rubbed
his thumb over the back of her hand that held his.
"I won't be, Spike. I mean even.......even if it doesn't work the first time, we can
try again." She tried to reassure him but it didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Yeah, pet. We can keep trying." He let go of her hand and began to clean up
the chinese food containers and put them in the trash. "You ready to go home?"
"Yes, I'm ready. Let me check the back door." She stood and walked towards
the back of the storeroom turning as she reached the door, "Spike?" She called
to him over her shoulder.
"Yes." He replied with a small smile.
"I just feel like its going to work." She smiled at him again, "So, don't worry so
much."
"Okay." He said softly as they walked out to the car.
Another week later
"You sure you don't want me to go?" Spike watched nervously as Buffy dressed
for the appointment, "I mean got my trusty blanket right here." He patted at the
old blanket lying on the bed.
"No, I'll be okay alone. And then I'll come home and we'll celebrate!" She grinned
as she put on her shoes.
"Alright then, I'll be here." He smiled brightly on the outside as his insides turned
to jelly with nervousness.
**
"Buffy, I just want to remind you that it's not unusual for this to take more then
one try. So please don't be too dissapppointed." Dr. Tucker patted Buffy's arm
as the tech drew her blood for the pregnancy test.
"I won't Doctor. But I have a really good feeling about this." Buffy smiled
nervously as the doctor left the room. She picked up an ancient copy of a
parenting magazine and flipped absentmindedly through the articles. After the
longest half hour of her life Dr. Tucker returned to the room.
Buffy smiled, "Well?"
Dr. Tucker smiled at her a little too brightly, "I'm sorry, not this time. But we can try
again on your next cycle. Okay?"
Buffy's heart sank all the way down to her toes, she had been so sure, so sure
that this one time she would get what she wanted without the usual trauma.
She blinked back tears, "Uh..yes, I'm okay. Just a little dissappointed is all."
She stood up and grabbed her purse.
"Buffy, please don't let this bother you, it happens like this and it doesn't mean
that the next time won't work." Dr. Tucker smiled reassurringly.
"Bye." Buffy replied quietly as she left the room. She sat in her car for twenty minutes
before starting it. She knew she should go home, Spike would be waiting for her,
waiting for the answer, waiting for a celebration that wasn't gonna happen. Not
this month - probably with her luck never. How was he going to take it? Would
he be upset at all? Yes she believed he wanted a baby, but he had been antsy
about the donor, yes he had gone with her, he had held her hand during the
procedure but really this probably wasn't going to upset him too badly afterall.
By the time she pulled into the driveway she had convinced herself that he
probably had only been humoring about the procedure and that if he had been
able to have children the normal way she would not be going through this now!
She knew it was wrong as she observed her inner self pity party but right now
she was just to hurt to be anything more then angry.
Spike heard the car pull into the driveway and waited anxiously by the door.
He knew it wasn't good as soon as she pulled the door open and slammed it
closed behind her. "Buffy?" He questioned in a soft voice,
"No, didn't happen. I'm not pregnant, there will be no baby here." She stomped
into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of orange juice.
"But the doctor said this happens alot, we can try again next month." He lay
his hand on her shoulder and flinched as she pulled away from his touch.
"Not like it really matters to you anyway is it? This was clearly a 'lets make
Buffy happy' ploy on your part. Well guess what? It didnt' work - of course it
didnt' work - does anything ever come easy for me? No!! Heartache and
drama are the themes of my life. I don't care what the doctor says - I'm not doing
this again. So go ahead ....sigh with relief." She spit the bitter words at him
knowing how hurtful they sounded but not caring.
The words hurt as she slung them at him, the hurt quickly turned to anger.
"You know thats not true, Buffy! I want to give you a child as much as you want
one. It's not fair to take this all out on me."
"Thats the gist of it - you want to give me a child and you can't! So you go
along with this idea just to humor me!" Tears streamed down her face.
Spike wanted nothing more then to hold her close and let her cry it out, but
her accusation of him not being able to give her a child stung.........alot. It
brought a scary thought to his mind. Maybe.......maybe Angel had been right?
Maybe he had been incredibly selfish to think that loving her was enough? That
his total love and loyalty to her could make up for - children and normalcy? He
bit his bottom lip and stared at her crying before him, "I'm so sorry, Buffy. I
really didn't think. All I knew was that I loved you and I was so sure I could take
care of you and make you happy. But I really can't can I? Angel left you for
good reasons Buffy..........I just figured that out." He ran his fingers through his
hair and picked up his coat.
The softness and sincerity of his words brought Buffy out of her angry rant, "What?"
She asked a look of fear on her face.
"I can't give you children - Angel was right if I had left you , like he did, by
now you would be having children with a normal guy." He walked towards the
door and put his hand on the knob.
"Where.....where are you gong?" Buffy's voice trembled.
"I need to think. I'll be back, pet." He closed the door quietly behind him.
Buffy watched the door close and it dawned on her that the moment the
doctor had told her she was not pregnant was not the worst moment of her day -
*this* moment was far worse.......
TBC
"We're here sweetie." She called to the blanket covered lump in the back seat.
Spike cautiously lifted his out from beneath the blanket and smiled at her, "Don't
move." He opened the car door and got out then opened her car door and
gently lifted her from the seat.
"I think I can walk." She giggled as he fumbled with the key to the house, "Well
since you've taken a few days off might as well take it easy." He told her as
he carried her into the living room and sat her gently on the couch, smiling at
her he placed the palm of his hand on her flat belly, "Something important
trying to happen in there."
She took his hand in her own and placed a kiss in the palm, "Trying? No I have
a feeling about this Spike it is "going" to work." Her eyes were bright with hope and
he nodded his head in silence hoping she was right. He could see her planning on
this before it had happened, optimism was good but he did want to see her
hopes crushed if the procedure didnt' work the first time.
One week later
"Will you be home on time tonight?" He asked as she quickly ate her breakfast
and took the prenatal vitamin the doctor had prescribed when she had talked
about wanting to get pregnant.
"Maybe a little late, Albert has another date. He's becoming quite the ladies man."
Buffy smiled as she gathered her purse, "I have shipement coming and if I feel like
it, I may try to shelve part of it tonight."
"I could come help if you like, you might want to avoid all that lifting for a bit."
Her smile brightened, "That might be nice. I mean there's no reason to avoid
lifting.....yet."
He could hear the hope, the anxiousness in her voice, one more week and they
would go in for the blood work. One week until they would know for sure. "I'll be
there at dusk and I'll bring chinese."
"Thank you." She said tenderly and he could tell she was thanking him for more
then just the promise of eggrolls and wonton soup.
"Your welcome." He replied leaning his head against hers until their foreheads met.
"I better go." She smiled as she leaned forward and kissed his lips with a
gentleness and sincerity that made him reach for her and return the kiss.
After several moments, she pulled back, "I really have to go now. See you tonight."
He watched her go through a narrow slit in the curtain. He loved her .... it still
awed him exactly how much.
*****
"If I do get pregnant, " Buffy smiled at him as she took the last eggroll and dipped
it in the soy sauce, "I will have to pick up an occasional book, I work in a bookstore."
She laughed. "You haven't let me pick up even one small box tonight."
"Not true, pet. Just that I was closer to the boxes and it was easier for me to get
them." He picked at the fried rice in the box, "I just want everything to be okay,
pet."
"It will be, Spike." She put down the last bite of eggroll and took his hand, "It's
all going to work out, I just know it."
"I want it to all work out, but I also don't want you dissappointed, luv." He rubbed
his thumb over the back of her hand that held his.
"I won't be, Spike. I mean even.......even if it doesn't work the first time, we can
try again." She tried to reassure him but it didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Yeah, pet. We can keep trying." He let go of her hand and began to clean up
the chinese food containers and put them in the trash. "You ready to go home?"
"Yes, I'm ready. Let me check the back door." She stood and walked towards
the back of the storeroom turning as she reached the door, "Spike?" She called
to him over her shoulder.
"Yes." He replied with a small smile.
"I just feel like its going to work." She smiled at him again, "So, don't worry so
much."
"Okay." He said softly as they walked out to the car.
Another week later
"You sure you don't want me to go?" Spike watched nervously as Buffy dressed
for the appointment, "I mean got my trusty blanket right here." He patted at the
old blanket lying on the bed.
"No, I'll be okay alone. And then I'll come home and we'll celebrate!" She grinned
as she put on her shoes.
"Alright then, I'll be here." He smiled brightly on the outside as his insides turned
to jelly with nervousness.
**
"Buffy, I just want to remind you that it's not unusual for this to take more then
one try. So please don't be too dissapppointed." Dr. Tucker patted Buffy's arm
as the tech drew her blood for the pregnancy test.
"I won't Doctor. But I have a really good feeling about this." Buffy smiled
nervously as the doctor left the room. She picked up an ancient copy of a
parenting magazine and flipped absentmindedly through the articles. After the
longest half hour of her life Dr. Tucker returned to the room.
Buffy smiled, "Well?"
Dr. Tucker smiled at her a little too brightly, "I'm sorry, not this time. But we can try
again on your next cycle. Okay?"
Buffy's heart sank all the way down to her toes, she had been so sure, so sure
that this one time she would get what she wanted without the usual trauma.
She blinked back tears, "Uh..yes, I'm okay. Just a little dissappointed is all."
She stood up and grabbed her purse.
"Buffy, please don't let this bother you, it happens like this and it doesn't mean
that the next time won't work." Dr. Tucker smiled reassurringly.
"Bye." Buffy replied quietly as she left the room. She sat in her car for twenty minutes
before starting it. She knew she should go home, Spike would be waiting for her,
waiting for the answer, waiting for a celebration that wasn't gonna happen. Not
this month - probably with her luck never. How was he going to take it? Would
he be upset at all? Yes she believed he wanted a baby, but he had been antsy
about the donor, yes he had gone with her, he had held her hand during the
procedure but really this probably wasn't going to upset him too badly afterall.
By the time she pulled into the driveway she had convinced herself that he
probably had only been humoring about the procedure and that if he had been
able to have children the normal way she would not be going through this now!
She knew it was wrong as she observed her inner self pity party but right now
she was just to hurt to be anything more then angry.
Spike heard the car pull into the driveway and waited anxiously by the door.
He knew it wasn't good as soon as she pulled the door open and slammed it
closed behind her. "Buffy?" He questioned in a soft voice,
"No, didn't happen. I'm not pregnant, there will be no baby here." She stomped
into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of orange juice.
"But the doctor said this happens alot, we can try again next month." He lay
his hand on her shoulder and flinched as she pulled away from his touch.
"Not like it really matters to you anyway is it? This was clearly a 'lets make
Buffy happy' ploy on your part. Well guess what? It didnt' work - of course it
didnt' work - does anything ever come easy for me? No!! Heartache and
drama are the themes of my life. I don't care what the doctor says - I'm not doing
this again. So go ahead ....sigh with relief." She spit the bitter words at him
knowing how hurtful they sounded but not caring.
The words hurt as she slung them at him, the hurt quickly turned to anger.
"You know thats not true, Buffy! I want to give you a child as much as you want
one. It's not fair to take this all out on me."
"Thats the gist of it - you want to give me a child and you can't! So you go
along with this idea just to humor me!" Tears streamed down her face.
Spike wanted nothing more then to hold her close and let her cry it out, but
her accusation of him not being able to give her a child stung.........alot. It
brought a scary thought to his mind. Maybe.......maybe Angel had been right?
Maybe he had been incredibly selfish to think that loving her was enough? That
his total love and loyalty to her could make up for - children and normalcy? He
bit his bottom lip and stared at her crying before him, "I'm so sorry, Buffy. I
really didn't think. All I knew was that I loved you and I was so sure I could take
care of you and make you happy. But I really can't can I? Angel left you for
good reasons Buffy..........I just figured that out." He ran his fingers through his
hair and picked up his coat.
The softness and sincerity of his words brought Buffy out of her angry rant, "What?"
She asked a look of fear on her face.
"I can't give you children - Angel was right if I had left you , like he did, by
now you would be having children with a normal guy." He walked towards the
door and put his hand on the knob.
"Where.....where are you gong?" Buffy's voice trembled.
"I need to think. I'll be back, pet." He closed the door quietly behind him.
Buffy watched the door close and it dawned on her that the moment the
doctor had told her she was not pregnant was not the worst moment of her day -
*this* moment was far worse.......
TBC