Disclaimer: .okiruN ro irohotoH od ron ,em ot gnoleb ton seod iguuY igihsuF
Warnings: Gimme a shou! Gimme a nen! Gimme an ai! Whaddazit spell?
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7. Risen.
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It was no surprise when he found himself just in front of Nuriko's door, staring at the smooth wood with longing in his heart.
It wasn't longing for Nuriko in a romantic sense, he told himself firmly, it really wasn't. Despite how perceptive Houki might've been on all the other things she'd spoken of tonight, that was one assumption that was entirely wrong. No matter what hell he might've put this man through during their time together, Nuriko had become--particularly in the stretches of time when Miaka and the others were away from the palace--his best and truest friend among the seishi. It had been difficult not to come to rely on the slightly-older man when he was always there, always ready to listen and care and say something that--no matter how dire his mood--somehow brought a smile to his lips. Hai. Hai, it was that Nuriko that he missed, with his smiling eyes and his wry, genderless voice that somehow brought comfort to his heart even during the darkest of times. Was it wrong to admit that he missed his friend?
But...Nuriko had loved him, then.
Was that all it was? Did he only pay such close attention to me because he was in love with me? And, now...now that he doesn't love me anymore...have I lost him? Great Suzaku, I took him so much for granted when he was here, always expecting him to be there when I needed him, always expecting him to be at my side when I was hurting or in need of someone to talk to. I didn't realize how much I'd come to depend on him. How could I? He -was- always there. But, then, he died...and, suddenly, all I wanted was for him to be with me, again. I needed him more than ever then, because I was hurting so much...but, he wasn't there. And, now he's back...but, he's not! If he's not in love with me, he has no reason to be there for me, does he? If he's not in love with me, then there's nothing in it for him, being my friend.
Gods. He doesn't even want to look at me anymore. No wonder it hurts me. No wonder I feel so...betrayed. Nuriko...it's such terrible irony. When you loved me, I kept holding my breath, waiting for it to pass, for you to realize that you could never be with me and move on. I prayed to Suzaku that you would stop feeling that way...and, now, you have! And, all I want is for you to love me again. Is it selfish of me, to want that? Even knowing that you -still- can never be with me? Gods, that -is- selfish, isn't it? I want you to be miserable again so you'll care enough to comfort me.
Nuriko, I'm so sorry. I've been such a fool.
Slim eyebrows pushing together in anguish, Hotohori shuffled backwards a few steps...and, then turned and started to walk back to his chambers.
No. Nuriko was better off without him. Better off without loving him. Better off without remembering! He was free of the shadow of his sister, now, and free of the impossible love that had caused him so much grief over the past few years. To try to force that to return, to try to make him remember just so he could have his friend back...it was selfish, and it would be cruel of him to do such a thing. So...so, he would move on. He would forget. He would let himself rely on Houki as he'd once let himself rely on Nuriko, because...because, that was how it was supposed to be, wasn't it? A man and a woman, depending on each other, loving each other...having children and growing old together. That was how it was supposed to--
He froze.
Rising up through the air, coming from just behind him--just behind him!--was a shrill, bloodcurdling scream, harsh with agony and so chilling that for a long moment, he couldn't find the strength to breathe. And, then, just as the words that was Nuriko! lanced into his brain, he found himself spinning, walking, running, rushing to the door and flinging it open and stepping into the darkness inside with fear clenching in his heart.
Not again, not again, please not again...
It was so dark...and the screams, the screams were so loud, muffled only by the rustling of blankets and the thudding of thrashing limbs. Irrationally frightened, Hotohori hurried to the bureau and grabbed up a candle, somehow managed to light it with his trembling fingers and jam it into a holder. And, slowly, a flood of warm amber light flickered into the room, and he was able to turn with fearful eyes towards the bed, towards Nuriko...
It was still difficult to see, since the light of the candle was so small and the room so big, so he walked to the edge of the bed, set the candle down on the bedside table, and stood there for a moment trying to figure out what to do.
Nuriko's slim body, clad in the same gold-ribboned tunic that he'd been wearing earlier this afternoon, was tangled in a flood of blankets, growing ever more tangled as he thrashed. His face was streaked in a mix of sweat and tears, and his eyes were squeezed tightly shut, his lips parted in the high, sobbing screams that had drawn his attention in the first place. And--he frowned--the smaller man's hand was clutching at his throat, scratching at it as if trying to pry something from it. The skin there was already red and irritated, and if he kept clawing at it, the young emperor was fairly certain that he was going to draw blood.
"Nuriko!" he exclaimed. He lowered himself onto the bed, grabbed tightly onto the man's wrists and tugged them back from his throat. "Nuriko! Wake up! Wake up!"
For a long moment, he was afraid that Nuriko was beyond his reach, that the power of the nightmare had dragged him so far away that he would never, ever wake up again...but, then, those violet eyes snapped open, and the thrashing--and screaming--came to an abrupt halt. Nuriko's eyes were wide and clouded with fear, hazy with the pull of the nightmare, and he was trembling so badly that the mattress coils were squeaking out a shaky rhythm to his movements.
"Nuriko..."
The relief flooded over him, made him feel shaky and breathless. "Nuriko, daijobu ka?"
Nuriko didn't answer. Instead, he sprang up and fell heavily into his arms, clung to him so tightly that it was difficult to breathe for a moment. The smaller seishi was still shaking violently, and as he curled up against his chest, Hotohori could feel the moisture of tears soaking into his robes.
"H-H-Hotohori-sama," Nuriko sobbed. His fingers clutched at the fabric covering the emperor's back, gripping it as if letting go might send him tumbling back into the dream. "H-Hotohori-sama, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I-I saw you crying, but I couldn't reach you, I'm so sorry. I-I tried to touch you but I couldn't and Kourin told me that I couldn't help you anymore, but I knew I could, so I took you to her and I hoped that you would love her and maybe you did, I don't know, but I wanted you to be happy, Hotohori-sama; I wanted you to be happy and so even though I loved you I showed you her and..." He drew in a long, gasping breath, let it out in a sobbing hiccup. "I was there that night, Hotohori-sama. I was there guiding you to her and I was there when you talked about me, and I was there when she told you about Kourin and I was there when you cried, and I wanted to tell you that I was there but I couldn't; I'm so sorry..."
His muscles felt frozen; his mind was numb and spinning.
He was...he was there? That night...he was with me? He was...
Wait a minute. "Nuriko," he managed, "you remember? You remember Kourin and..."
Y ou remember that you loved me?
"R-Remember?" Nuriko whispered. His voice was muffled by the closeness of the robes, by the sobs still trembling in his throat. "Hotohori-sama...how could I forget? You were important to me. I...I loved you. Even when I was on that mountain top, fighting for Miaka and the shinzaho...I loved you. And, I--"
Abruptly, the words cut off.
Somehow, instinctively, he knew that something had changed, that all the hopes that had suddenly been reborn in his heart were about to be shattered, that...that the Nuriko he'd just been speaking to was a phantom, a remnant of dreams of the past that were dead, now. Dead. And, despite himself, despite knowing that Nuriko was better off this way, that he could finally be happy like this...it still stabbed into his heart like a blade.
"H...Hotohori," Nuriko said in a low, uncertain voice. The slender frame was tense against him, the muscles tight and rigid and pulling away from him. "Hotohori-sama, what are you...why am I..."
Nuriko moved quickly away from him, pressed his back
into the headboard and stared at him with accusation in his eyes. "What're you doing in my room? And, why were you...why were
you...?" His eyes narrowed. "Hotohori-sama, you may be the emperor,
but you have no right to be in here."
It hurt. Seeing that suspicion in his eyes, that disgust bending at his lips...it hurt. He knew he should stand up, apologize, and leave right now, but his muscles were frozen and wouldn't obey him. So, he just sat there, perched on the edge of Nuriko's bed, and stared at the small seishi with a tender sorrow growing in his heart.
"I should've seen it before," Nuriko continued shakily. "E-Everyone kept saying that I was in love with you, but...this was what they meant, wasn't it? You're...you're in love with me. I should've seen it before. But, Hotohori-sama--" His eyes were hard, his voice firm and almost angry. "--you have to know that this isn't right. You have to know that I could never love a...a man." He closed his eyes, and his voice was startlingly cool. "Please get out of my room. And, I...I think it would be best if you don't come in here, anymore. Ne, Heika-sama?"
The words bled from his lips with surprising speed. "All right," he said simply. "I'll leave." He drew in a deep breath, tensed his muscles for the movement that would carry him out that door…out of Nuriko's room and out of his life.
I can't make you remember, Nuriko. This is the new you, I realize that, and I realize that the friend I knew is gone forever. That's all right. I can accept that. But, I have to believe that he still exists somewhere inside of you. He's still in there somewhere, alive perhaps only in your dreams, and even if I'll never see him again, the least I can do is...the least I can do is give him what he longed for all those years. The least I can do is give him just one moment. Just...one moment.
I owe you at least that much, Nuriko.
And, so, he slid forward, touched his palms lightly to Nuriko's cheeks, and--before the other realized what he was doing--kissed him.
It was a light, soft kiss; there was no passion, no fiery longing, just...just a kiss. Nuriko's lips were warm against his, parted slightly in shock or speech, and the rest of his body seemed frozen in disbelief.
And then, again...everything changed.
He became aware of something cool and salty against his lips, realized with a jolt that it was a tear--Nuriko's tear. Startled and concerned, he pulled back from the kiss, drew his hands away from the other's cheeks and stared at him. To his shock, Nuriko was crying...and smiling. His eyes were wide and clear, swimming with tears but also with joy, and the sobs choking from his lips were warm with soft, tentative laughter.
Nuriko closed his eyes, then, squeezing a flood of
tears down his cheeks.
"Hotohori-sama," he whispered. "I waited for so long.
I...I waited for so long."
It...it couldn't...it couldn't be...
"I tried to tell them that it wouldn't be better
this way. I tried to tell them
that...that I needed to remember. But,
Kourin..." His eyes slid open,
still wet with tears but shining...shining.
"Kourin said it would be better if I couldn't remember,
because...because it was beautiful up there, Hotohori-sama. It was beautiful and there was no pain and
even though I loved you, it didn't hurt, because I was happy. Kourin said that if I remembered that
happiness, I would never be able to be satisfied with my life here. But...but, I wanted so badly to
remember...and, I did, in my dreams.
Even if they faded away once I woke up, I remembered in my dreams, and I
remembered...that I loved you."
His mouth felt dry. "But...but...how can you remember now? I don't understand..."
Nuriko smiled at him, and the sight of that familiar grin nearly sent joyful tears to his eyes. "It was you, Hotohori-sama," he murmured. "Every moment I spent with you, it...it made it harder to forget. I guess I...knew that, and so I tried to avoid you. When you kissed me, though..." His voice went soft. "I couldn't forget, then. And, even if it's hard...I never will again."
Smiling softly, Nuriko pushed himself forward, wrapped his arms gently around the young emperor's neck, and kissed him. And, despite all that screamed inside of him, despite the fact that he'd been fully convinced that he loved Nuriko as nothing more than a friend only a few minutes earlier...Hotohori found himself kissing back...and, finally, finally, everything felt right.
And, then, the door swung open with a crash, and suddenly they weren't alone anymore.
"What's going on?" came Miaka's shrill cry from behind them. "W-We heard you screaming and we ran over here as quickly as we c--"
Stricken silence. Then, Chiriko's soft, confused voice: "H...Hotohori-sama?"
The tears still shining on his cheeks, Nuriko pulled back from him, and together, they turned to face their stunned friends. Miaka's mouth was hanging limply open, and Chiriko was staring at them with wide, shocked eyes.
For a long moment, he tried to think of something to say, of words to explain the emotions surging through him, the joy and the love and the final, final knowledge that he was just where he was supposed to be...but, no words would come. It was all right, though, because Nuriko spoke for him only a moment later.
"It's all right," he told the two in his soft, genderless alto. "For the first time in a long time...it's all right."
Finally. Finally.
Hotohori smiled. "Hai," he murmured, drawing Nuriko into his arms and holding him close. "It is."
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owari.