+++++
Track Two
It was twenty minutes past midnight and Tatsuha was slowly but surely drowning.
He had finally had to sit down after a couple of hours of heavy partying and was currently sitting on a bench by the wall, his muscles aching. He still wasn't sure whether all this was just another one of his weird dreams or some sort of out-of-the-body -experience.
*Yeah, that would explain everything. Stuff like this doesn't happen to ME. I may be the brother of a famous writer but what does that mean? Nothing. I'm just a high school kid from Kyoto who's got this weird obsession for a band. I'm just... your typical teenage boy. I don't follow popstars to recordings. I don't discuss caf food with popstars. Popstars don't give me rides to bars.*
He took another sip of the warmed-down beer and averted his gaze back to where it had kept returning for hours, like a compass needle.
*I don't watch them dance to techno with sweat dripping from the tops of their noses and their shirts clinging to their skin...*
Immediately, he looked away and blushed.
*I don't think... stuff like that about popstars.*
He took another sip and put the empty can on the bench next to him. He raked his hair off his face with both hands. It was hot in the bar, and he could feel what Sakuma had meant by "you must breathe to be able to sing." Tatsuha wished for a shower, and he wished this strange dream would be over with soon, because he couldn't take much more.
"Tatsuha-kun?"
Tatsuha looked up, letting his drenched hair fall back on his face. Hiro was coming over to him, with a totally plastered Shuuichi hanging from his arm.
"Having fun?" Hiro shouted over the loud pumping of the music before leaning closer so that they could hear each other.
"Sort of," Tatsuha said and gave him a grin. "It looks like Shuuichi is having an overdose of it."
"You don't say," Hiro muttered.
Shuuichi started drunkenly protesting that he didn't want to leave before Yuki showed up.
"No, we're NOT going to wait for him, Shuuichi," Hiro retorted. "You have to get home before you try to glomp another blond stranger."
"Had a Yuki shirt," Shuuichi mumbled.
Tatsuha could only laugh.
"But of course, a Yuki shirt. That explains everything, doesn't it?" Hiro sighed and rolled his eyes. He turned Shuuichi around towards the door. "Home you go, buster! See you around, Tatsuha-kun, and thanks a lot for the help!"
"No biggie," Tatsuha said, smiling a tired smile. He waved the two goodbye.
It was not until after Hiro and Shuuichi had disappeared into the mass of dancing people when it dawned to Tatsuha that he should go with them, since Shuuichi had the only key. Tatsuha didn't want to wake him or Eiri up when he came home later. He got up and gathered his belongings. Perhaps he could still catch up with them; Shuuichi hadn't exactly looked like he would start sprinting any second. Tatsuha smiled as he tied his loyal leather jacket around his hips. Now the jacket would prove necessary. He was soaked with sweat and it was a cool night out.
Tatsuha paused. He couldn't leave without seeing Sakuma for one last time. After all, he had got a lift from him... and, truth to be told, he wanted to check if Sakuma was okay, having cold and all.
*Great. So now I'm his doctor,* he thought darkly. *Where do I get off acting like a-- *
Someone poked him in the ribs. He jumped and span around to meet an exhausted but positively bouncy Sakuma Ryuuichi.
"Hiii! How're ya doin'?"
"Fine!" Tatsuha practically yelped, then coughed and started again in a more stable voice, "I was actually looking for you. I'm leaving, you gonna stay long?"
Ryuuichi's eyes were dreamy and a little unfocused. It might've been because he was slightly drunk. "I know I shouldn't. I'm all out of meds and the fever'll kick back sooner or later." He nodded towards the bar. "Hey, you want something to drink before you go? C'mon, it's my treat."
Tatsuha frowned, but couldn't resist the temptation and followed Ryuuichi, who hopped over to the bar and perched himself on a stool. "Sure, thanks. But y'know, maybe you should take it easy. You're sick after all, Sakuma-san."
Sakuma didn't answer him. He ordered something that had an English name from the barkeep who smiled as if he had known Ryuuichi was going to order it. The barkeep whipped out the two drinks amazingly fast, and Ryuuichi handed Tatsuha a blue drink which had an artificially red cherry and some pink-coloured whipped cream in it. Tatsuha looked at the drink in his hand somewhat suspiciously. It didn't look real. Carefully, he took a sip and found the taste to be close to berry candy, only with a sharp tinge of alcohol behind it.
Ryuuichi hungrily gulped down his drink, and then started carefully wiping out all the whipped cream from his face, his brows knitting adorably in deep concentration. He looked so cute and childish with his fingers and face smeared with whipped cream. The tip of his tongue peeked out to lick his lips and fingertips. Tatsuha had to quickly look away to avoid glomping him right then and there.
"S-Sakuma-san, did you hear what I-- "
"Oh, would you stop it?" Sakuma gave him an exasparated look.
"Sorry, I know it's none of my business," Tatsuha muttered, embarrassed.
"No, I mean stop calling me that. It's enough that I must keep reminding Shuu-chan all the time. My name's Ryuuichi, okay? Ryuuichi!" His face broke into a wide, playful grin.
"I couldn't..." slipped out of Tatsuha's mouth before he realised it was true. "I couldn't call you that, sorry. After all, you're, well, you're-- "
*The only god I've ever really worshipped, the face from my dreams, the alluring object of my goddamn twisted obsession...*
He swallowed hard and wondered why the stupid dream didn't end before he made a complete ass out of himself. They were both silent for a while, not facing each other.
Tatsuha mentally kicked himself to get up, finish the drink and leave before getting into trouble. And waking his brother up in the middle of the night was considered big, bigger, Godzilla-sized trouble. How late was it anyway? Tatsuha nervously checked his watch, which showed that the exact time was 01:03.
He abruptly got on his feet. "It's getting late, I better go now."
"Finish your sentence first," Sakuma said quietly.
"What?" Tatsuha blurted out.
Sakuma put his empty glass on the table and sighed. "Why can't you call me Ryuuichi? Because I'm famous? Shuuichi is famous too, you know, although maybe not on the same scale - and you call him Shuuichi, don't you?"
"He's my brother's boyfriend, I guess that... has something to do with..." Tatsuha mumbled. He couldn't quite fathom what Sakuma wanted him to say.
Sakuma gave him a quick glance and suddenly a sweet smile returned to his face.
"Aw, I'm sorry. You don't have to explain. If you don't want to be that familiar then you don't have to be. It's a free and a wonderful world." He giggled and hopped down from his barstool, stretching his arms. "Okay, I think that about wraps it up for tonight. I have an interview tomorrow morning."
"It's not that I don't *want* to call you by your first name," Tatsuha tried to explain. "It's just that... well, maybe I'm..."
"Hey, I told you, it's all good!" Sakuma laughed, grabbing his hand. "C'mon, you gotta make sure I get out of here safely... what with my horrible, terrible sickness and all." He winked, teasingly.
"Right..." Tatsuha looked at him a bit helplessly. He wanted so much to be honest with the other, but just couldn't. Perhaps he shouldn't, neither. Like Sakuma had said, he didn't have to explain. Even if the explanation was so crystal clear to him.
*How can you familiarize yourself with someone you've always put so high above everyone else? It's like calling down the moon. The moon I've wished to touch for so long... And now I almost wish my wishes would never come true again. They're not meant to, anyway. Screws with your head.*
+
They walked out under the neon-light. It was dark and cool, and Tatsuha put his jacket on. He followed Ryuuichi as he went over to stop a taxi. The first two taxis hurried past, already occupied. The next one didn't seem willing to appear at all. Tatsuha eyed worriedly the way Ryuuichi hugged himself, trying to fight off the cold, his bare arms all in goosebumps.
"Where do you live?" Ryuuichi asked, turning to look at him.
"Me? In Kyoto."
Ryuuichi laughed. "Yeah, I can tell 'cause you speak funny. But that's not what I meant; you must've some place to stay the night here in Tokyo, right?"
Tatsuha could feel himself blush again. Where was his brain? "Uh, right, of course. I'm staying with my brother who lives here. Y'know, Yuki Eiri."
"Oh, that writer, you mean? I thought all writers are loners."
Tatsuha snickered. "Eiri's no exception. But since he's letting Shuuichi to live there with him, I think I'm a pretty easy extra."
Sakuma laughed, but then he started coughing raggedly.
Tatsuha went over to him. "Hey, that sounds pretty bad."
"Oh, it's - it's okay. Nothing that'd shut me up." Sakuma continued laughing after catching his breath once again.
"It must be hard for a singer to have a cough," Tatsuha mused aloud.
Sakuma nodded. "It is. Without my voice, I could never be happy. Not even for a minute! That's why I always try to avoid colds and numb myself with drugs if that's the only way I can keep my voice. Otherwise I don't care much for them."
He was smiling faintly, his eyes reflecting the night-time lights of the city. Tatsuha watched him in silent adoration.
After a while, Sakuma went over to try and stop a taxi again. This time he was lucky. The car slowed down and stopped in front of him.
"Yes! I was already getting cold!" Sakuma exclaimed, then made a beckoning move with his hand. "Come on, Tatsuha! I'll drop you to your brother's house."
Tatsuha didn't have to be told twice. He jumped on the backseat of the car and was surprised when Sakuma followed him.
"Okay, all set! Now where was your brother's place again?"
Tatsuha told him the address, and Sakuma cheerfully asked the driver to take them there.
Sakuma blew into his hands. "Brr, it's cold! And it was such a hot day! I should've taken a coat or something."
"It feels so cold because we just came from the sweaty bar," Tatsuha said tiredly, leaning backwards on the seat.
The night-time Tokyo swam by. His body felt oddly weak, and he just then realised that he hadn't eaten practically anything the whole day. Not that he had had time to think of such mundane matters after Sakuma Ryuuichi took his hand for the first time and pulled him - into what?
"Tatsuha-kun? Or is it okay that I call you that?"
That innocent, sweet tone. Tatsuha could've just sat there, watching the many aspects of Sakuma Ryuuichi unfold themselves in front of him.
"Why not?" he said, shrugging. Sakuma could call him Hanako the Flower Girl and he'd be happy that Sakuma called him by some name in the first place.
"Since you don't want to call me by my first name, it feels kinda weird to call YOU by it, doncha think?" Sakuma cocked his head.
"I told you, it's not a matter of wanting," Tatsuha muttered. "You're a - you're a -"
"Popstar?"
"More than that, you're - "
"Your favourite singer?"
"More than that..." Tatsuha shook his head, his voice hardly even a whisper. He could suddenly feel tension in the air.
"What, god?" Sakuma laughed, but not happily.
*He knows it's true,* Tatsuha thought. *Fuck, he knows, he knows exactly what I'm thinking... Why can't I keep my stupid desperate fanboy mouth shut!*
Sakuma's eyes left him and he looked out of the window. "I kinda thought it was something like that," Tatsuha heard him say, his voice frighteningly low. Was it anger, or disdain, or perhaps - disappointment? Tatsuha couldn't tell. He didn't dare to glance up to see Sakuma's face to find out.
They sat in uncomfortable silence for the rest of the drive.
+
"Here we are, sir," the driver said, bringing them both back to reality.
Tatsuha began nervously searching for his wallet. "How much is it?"
"Let it be, I'll take care of it," Sakuma said, his voice still low. Half of his face was hidden behind the dark blue cap.
Tatsuha nodded nervously and muttered a quick 'thank you', then scrambled out of the car. All the lights were turned off and he suspected all hell would be loose as soon as he ringed the doorbell.
He glanced back at Sakuma, not knowing why the singer seemed so hurt but feeling guilty all the same. They watched each other through the window for a few eyeblinks, then Tatsuha mumbled a hasty 'bye' and walked off.
Sakuma lowered the glass and leaned out of the car, calling, "Uesugi-san!"
Tatsuha tried his best to appear as if the changed tone hadn't affected him in any way. "Y-yes?" He turned and walked back to the car.
Sakuma looked at him with an unnamed sorrow in his warm brown eyes, and that alone made Tatsuha melt. "Hey, let's not end the day like this," the singer said softly, "I'd feel bad if I let you leave offended."
"N-no, not at all, it's okay," Tatsuha stammered, puzzled.
Sakuma looked satisfied. "Okay then. Thanks for hanging out with me; I had bunches of fun! See ya later!"
"See you..." Tatsuha echoed. He had absolutely no idea what Sakuma was talking about, or why he had looked so sad, but didn't know how to ask.
Sakuma offered him his hand, a smile creeping to his face once again. It never was too far away. Tatsuha stared at the offered hand, blinking.
"You're supposed to shake it," Sakuma said, laughing, as Tatsuha turned red and quickly shook his hand. "Sorry, I think America left me with that habit. I find it much more fun than bowing. It's more personal, y'know?"
"Uh huh," Tatsuha said lamely. That was the fourth time Sakuma had touched his hand, and this was something he had to revel in for a moment.
"Well, good night! Say hi to Shuuichi for me; tell him I loved their last song, it was awesome!" Sakuma started closing the car window once again, but then stopped half-way. "Oh, and Uesug--"
"You can call me Tatsuha!" Tatsuha blurted out.
Sakuma smiled mysteriously through the glass. "Right. Tatsuha. Remember to check your pockets. All sorts of people go to bars like that."
Then his eyes crinked up cutely and he waved goodbye, and soon the car had slipped among the mass of flickering lights of the Tokyo city, leaving Tatsuha to slowly awaken from the most amazing dream he had ever had.
+
"As if it isn't enough that you come crashing here out of the blue! What the hell do you think this is, a roadside motel?" Eiri snapped at his brother, pacing the floor irritatedly.
"Yeah, sorry about that," Tatsuha said for the third time, picking his nose. "Did Shuuichi get back home safely, by the way?"
"Don't change the subject!" Eiri pointed an accusing finger at him. "Wake me up in the middle of the night again and you'll fly out like a bad habit, understood?"
"Yes, Mom," Tatsuha quipped wrily.
Eiri's eyes narrowed. "Perhaps you have an overpowering urge to spend the rest of the night outside the gate?"
Tatsuha took his backpack and threw it into the corner of the living room he had called his own. "Chill out, bro. I'm exhausted."
"So am I," Eiri said icily and stomped out of the room.
Tatsuha jumped when the bedroom door was slammed shut.
*Ouch. Well, that's my brother for you, what did I expect?*
He yawned as he stripped off his worn jeans and t-shirt.
*I've just spent an entire day with Sakuma Ryuuichi.*
Tatsuha paused as he rolled open his sleeping bag, letting the thought mellow in his brain a little while.
*I, Uesugi Tatsuha, just spent a day with the singer of Nittle Grasper, Sakuma Ryuuichi.*
He sighed and lay down, staring unbelievingly at the ceiling. He couldn't help the smug smile creeping to his face. How many times had he dreamt that something like this would happen? That he would just bump into Sakuma and they'd spend the day together and he'd get to ride with him in his fancy car and... Exactly what he had experienced today.
Dreams didn't end this way, though, Tatsuha realised, knitting his brows. Everything that had happened had been fantastic, and Tatsuha couldn't possibly hope for more. Not in this life. He'd already got enough to last for a couple of human lifetimes. Sakuma Ryuuichi had taken his hand, thrice, and given him a ride, twice. More than enough... everything else was just a dream.
Tatsuha blushed furiously and crawled inside the sleeping bag. All his dreams ended differently, with Sakuma taking him to the hotel with him... and...
*Oh, hell... fucking hell, I know it's stupid. Just a stupid fantasy... but doesn't everybody have those? Isn't it just normal to want someone who you think is awesome? Or is it just me? I wish someone would tell me...*
He rolled on one side, eyes glistening, and listened to the silence of his brother's apartment, thinking back...
[flashback]
"HEY! This's NOT funny! Give it back right now, you stupid bastard!"
Tatsuha stopped punching his brother's back as it seemed to amount to nothing and tackled him to the floor, desperately fighting to get his hands on the worn scrapbook Eiri was skillfully keeping out of his reach.
"No way, you're not getting it! Now get off me! Off me, you goddamned brat - OUCH! What're you doing?!"
Tatsuha had punched him so hard that his nose started bleeding. That didn't stop the enraged 14-year-old, however. "Give it back!" he demanded, almost growling, and aimed the next hit.
"Tacchan, stop it!" called his sister's snappy voice. Tatsuha turned his head to see Mika running towards them with a strict look on her face.
"Boys, what's going on in there?" their father asked from his study.
"Eiri took my scrapbook! Tell him to give it back!" Tatsuha shouted as Mika kneeled down next to her brothers.
"It's not normal, I'm telling you!" Eiri exclaimed, pushing his little brother off him. He got up, wiping the blood off his face. "He's got six books full of pictures of Nittle Grasper! Isn't it enough that you have to cover the walls with them?"
"Eiri, give the book back to him," Mika said in her authoritive voice that everyone in the house knew meant business. "And you, Tacchan, are going to explain. Why did you do that to your brother? Look what you did, his nose is bleeding!"
Tatsuha kicked the nearby wall in teenage frustration. "So what! I jus' don't want nobody touchin' my fuckin' stuff!"
"Language!"
"I called him THREE TIMES and he didn't hear anything!" Eiri told his sister. "Three times, and he just stared at that stupid book! Look, there's nothing but pictures of that Sakuma guy in it!" He opened the book and presented it to Mika, who sighed irritatedly.
"Give it back!" Tatsuha demanded again.
"Maybe you should lay off that band stuff a little, Tacchan," Mika suggested, handing him his book, which he immediately clutched protectively to his chest.
"Get a girlfriend!" Eiri suggested mockingly over Tatsuha's shoulder, walking away.
"Fuck off, Eiri!" Tatsuha fumed.
"Tacchan! Uesugi Tatsuha, stop it! He's just trying to help you." Mika put his hands on Tatsuha's shoulders. "Your brother might not always sound like it, but he only wants your best."
"Yeah, right," Tatsuha grumbled, still clutching the scrapbook.
Mika leaned down to smile at him. "Maybe he's got a point. You know, Sachiko's little sister, you remember her, she was that short-haired girl who came by yesterday with Sachiko, she seemed to have taken a real liking to you..."
Tatsuha turned red in the face and screeched, "What're ya all after me for?! Let me be!"
"Mika, you might as well give up," Eiri's voice came from the kitchen, "Tatsuha's not *like that*."
Mika frowned. "What?"
"Hey, Tatsuha! When are you gonna MARRY that Sakuma guy of yours?"
"I hate you! I hate you both!" Tatsuha yelled at the top of his lungs and ran to his room, slamming the door shut so hard that the whole apartment shook.
[end flashback]
Tatsuha turned onto his stomach, still frowning.
*I know Eiri didn't mean anything by that... yeah, right, as if HE would be in any place to judge me, living with Shuuichi like this...* He let out a small laugh. *And things were a bit different back then. He wasn't Yuki... and I don't think I was Tatsuha yet. Who could've known things would turn out like this? I sure as hell didn't. I mean, even the *thought* of my brother being gay... it's still so hard to believe! Not that I have anything against it, but after teasing me about my obsession for Sakuma for years, it just feels weird, I guess.*
Tatsuha sighed under his breath. *And it WAS just teasing, right? ...I'm not gay, I like girls. Girls are cute. Just because I've never had a girlfriend doesn't mean I don't want one.*
*But Sakuma... he's *special*. He's always been special to me.*
*I know it's weird, and I probably have some issues or something... But is it my fault he's got such a divine singing voice and sparkling personality and cool hair and captivating eyes? It should be illegal to be so cute and sexy at the same time. A creature so perfect was MADE to be worshipped and longed for by everyone.*
Satisfied with his process of thought, Tatsuha reached out to fish his Discman from the backpack. Nittle Grasper's third CD was his favourite; fast beats mingling with soft, dreamy ballads. He clicked the Play button and snuggled inside his sleeping bag, allowing the music to lull him to sleep and the voice of Sakuma Ryuuichi to invade his dreams. It was a ritual he had practiced for years and found near impossible to fall asleep without.
Track Two
It was twenty minutes past midnight and Tatsuha was slowly but surely drowning.
He had finally had to sit down after a couple of hours of heavy partying and was currently sitting on a bench by the wall, his muscles aching. He still wasn't sure whether all this was just another one of his weird dreams or some sort of out-of-the-body -experience.
*Yeah, that would explain everything. Stuff like this doesn't happen to ME. I may be the brother of a famous writer but what does that mean? Nothing. I'm just a high school kid from Kyoto who's got this weird obsession for a band. I'm just... your typical teenage boy. I don't follow popstars to recordings. I don't discuss caf food with popstars. Popstars don't give me rides to bars.*
He took another sip of the warmed-down beer and averted his gaze back to where it had kept returning for hours, like a compass needle.
*I don't watch them dance to techno with sweat dripping from the tops of their noses and their shirts clinging to their skin...*
Immediately, he looked away and blushed.
*I don't think... stuff like that about popstars.*
He took another sip and put the empty can on the bench next to him. He raked his hair off his face with both hands. It was hot in the bar, and he could feel what Sakuma had meant by "you must breathe to be able to sing." Tatsuha wished for a shower, and he wished this strange dream would be over with soon, because he couldn't take much more.
"Tatsuha-kun?"
Tatsuha looked up, letting his drenched hair fall back on his face. Hiro was coming over to him, with a totally plastered Shuuichi hanging from his arm.
"Having fun?" Hiro shouted over the loud pumping of the music before leaning closer so that they could hear each other.
"Sort of," Tatsuha said and gave him a grin. "It looks like Shuuichi is having an overdose of it."
"You don't say," Hiro muttered.
Shuuichi started drunkenly protesting that he didn't want to leave before Yuki showed up.
"No, we're NOT going to wait for him, Shuuichi," Hiro retorted. "You have to get home before you try to glomp another blond stranger."
"Had a Yuki shirt," Shuuichi mumbled.
Tatsuha could only laugh.
"But of course, a Yuki shirt. That explains everything, doesn't it?" Hiro sighed and rolled his eyes. He turned Shuuichi around towards the door. "Home you go, buster! See you around, Tatsuha-kun, and thanks a lot for the help!"
"No biggie," Tatsuha said, smiling a tired smile. He waved the two goodbye.
It was not until after Hiro and Shuuichi had disappeared into the mass of dancing people when it dawned to Tatsuha that he should go with them, since Shuuichi had the only key. Tatsuha didn't want to wake him or Eiri up when he came home later. He got up and gathered his belongings. Perhaps he could still catch up with them; Shuuichi hadn't exactly looked like he would start sprinting any second. Tatsuha smiled as he tied his loyal leather jacket around his hips. Now the jacket would prove necessary. He was soaked with sweat and it was a cool night out.
Tatsuha paused. He couldn't leave without seeing Sakuma for one last time. After all, he had got a lift from him... and, truth to be told, he wanted to check if Sakuma was okay, having cold and all.
*Great. So now I'm his doctor,* he thought darkly. *Where do I get off acting like a-- *
Someone poked him in the ribs. He jumped and span around to meet an exhausted but positively bouncy Sakuma Ryuuichi.
"Hiii! How're ya doin'?"
"Fine!" Tatsuha practically yelped, then coughed and started again in a more stable voice, "I was actually looking for you. I'm leaving, you gonna stay long?"
Ryuuichi's eyes were dreamy and a little unfocused. It might've been because he was slightly drunk. "I know I shouldn't. I'm all out of meds and the fever'll kick back sooner or later." He nodded towards the bar. "Hey, you want something to drink before you go? C'mon, it's my treat."
Tatsuha frowned, but couldn't resist the temptation and followed Ryuuichi, who hopped over to the bar and perched himself on a stool. "Sure, thanks. But y'know, maybe you should take it easy. You're sick after all, Sakuma-san."
Sakuma didn't answer him. He ordered something that had an English name from the barkeep who smiled as if he had known Ryuuichi was going to order it. The barkeep whipped out the two drinks amazingly fast, and Ryuuichi handed Tatsuha a blue drink which had an artificially red cherry and some pink-coloured whipped cream in it. Tatsuha looked at the drink in his hand somewhat suspiciously. It didn't look real. Carefully, he took a sip and found the taste to be close to berry candy, only with a sharp tinge of alcohol behind it.
Ryuuichi hungrily gulped down his drink, and then started carefully wiping out all the whipped cream from his face, his brows knitting adorably in deep concentration. He looked so cute and childish with his fingers and face smeared with whipped cream. The tip of his tongue peeked out to lick his lips and fingertips. Tatsuha had to quickly look away to avoid glomping him right then and there.
"S-Sakuma-san, did you hear what I-- "
"Oh, would you stop it?" Sakuma gave him an exasparated look.
"Sorry, I know it's none of my business," Tatsuha muttered, embarrassed.
"No, I mean stop calling me that. It's enough that I must keep reminding Shuu-chan all the time. My name's Ryuuichi, okay? Ryuuichi!" His face broke into a wide, playful grin.
"I couldn't..." slipped out of Tatsuha's mouth before he realised it was true. "I couldn't call you that, sorry. After all, you're, well, you're-- "
*The only god I've ever really worshipped, the face from my dreams, the alluring object of my goddamn twisted obsession...*
He swallowed hard and wondered why the stupid dream didn't end before he made a complete ass out of himself. They were both silent for a while, not facing each other.
Tatsuha mentally kicked himself to get up, finish the drink and leave before getting into trouble. And waking his brother up in the middle of the night was considered big, bigger, Godzilla-sized trouble. How late was it anyway? Tatsuha nervously checked his watch, which showed that the exact time was 01:03.
He abruptly got on his feet. "It's getting late, I better go now."
"Finish your sentence first," Sakuma said quietly.
"What?" Tatsuha blurted out.
Sakuma put his empty glass on the table and sighed. "Why can't you call me Ryuuichi? Because I'm famous? Shuuichi is famous too, you know, although maybe not on the same scale - and you call him Shuuichi, don't you?"
"He's my brother's boyfriend, I guess that... has something to do with..." Tatsuha mumbled. He couldn't quite fathom what Sakuma wanted him to say.
Sakuma gave him a quick glance and suddenly a sweet smile returned to his face.
"Aw, I'm sorry. You don't have to explain. If you don't want to be that familiar then you don't have to be. It's a free and a wonderful world." He giggled and hopped down from his barstool, stretching his arms. "Okay, I think that about wraps it up for tonight. I have an interview tomorrow morning."
"It's not that I don't *want* to call you by your first name," Tatsuha tried to explain. "It's just that... well, maybe I'm..."
"Hey, I told you, it's all good!" Sakuma laughed, grabbing his hand. "C'mon, you gotta make sure I get out of here safely... what with my horrible, terrible sickness and all." He winked, teasingly.
"Right..." Tatsuha looked at him a bit helplessly. He wanted so much to be honest with the other, but just couldn't. Perhaps he shouldn't, neither. Like Sakuma had said, he didn't have to explain. Even if the explanation was so crystal clear to him.
*How can you familiarize yourself with someone you've always put so high above everyone else? It's like calling down the moon. The moon I've wished to touch for so long... And now I almost wish my wishes would never come true again. They're not meant to, anyway. Screws with your head.*
+
They walked out under the neon-light. It was dark and cool, and Tatsuha put his jacket on. He followed Ryuuichi as he went over to stop a taxi. The first two taxis hurried past, already occupied. The next one didn't seem willing to appear at all. Tatsuha eyed worriedly the way Ryuuichi hugged himself, trying to fight off the cold, his bare arms all in goosebumps.
"Where do you live?" Ryuuichi asked, turning to look at him.
"Me? In Kyoto."
Ryuuichi laughed. "Yeah, I can tell 'cause you speak funny. But that's not what I meant; you must've some place to stay the night here in Tokyo, right?"
Tatsuha could feel himself blush again. Where was his brain? "Uh, right, of course. I'm staying with my brother who lives here. Y'know, Yuki Eiri."
"Oh, that writer, you mean? I thought all writers are loners."
Tatsuha snickered. "Eiri's no exception. But since he's letting Shuuichi to live there with him, I think I'm a pretty easy extra."
Sakuma laughed, but then he started coughing raggedly.
Tatsuha went over to him. "Hey, that sounds pretty bad."
"Oh, it's - it's okay. Nothing that'd shut me up." Sakuma continued laughing after catching his breath once again.
"It must be hard for a singer to have a cough," Tatsuha mused aloud.
Sakuma nodded. "It is. Without my voice, I could never be happy. Not even for a minute! That's why I always try to avoid colds and numb myself with drugs if that's the only way I can keep my voice. Otherwise I don't care much for them."
He was smiling faintly, his eyes reflecting the night-time lights of the city. Tatsuha watched him in silent adoration.
After a while, Sakuma went over to try and stop a taxi again. This time he was lucky. The car slowed down and stopped in front of him.
"Yes! I was already getting cold!" Sakuma exclaimed, then made a beckoning move with his hand. "Come on, Tatsuha! I'll drop you to your brother's house."
Tatsuha didn't have to be told twice. He jumped on the backseat of the car and was surprised when Sakuma followed him.
"Okay, all set! Now where was your brother's place again?"
Tatsuha told him the address, and Sakuma cheerfully asked the driver to take them there.
Sakuma blew into his hands. "Brr, it's cold! And it was such a hot day! I should've taken a coat or something."
"It feels so cold because we just came from the sweaty bar," Tatsuha said tiredly, leaning backwards on the seat.
The night-time Tokyo swam by. His body felt oddly weak, and he just then realised that he hadn't eaten practically anything the whole day. Not that he had had time to think of such mundane matters after Sakuma Ryuuichi took his hand for the first time and pulled him - into what?
"Tatsuha-kun? Or is it okay that I call you that?"
That innocent, sweet tone. Tatsuha could've just sat there, watching the many aspects of Sakuma Ryuuichi unfold themselves in front of him.
"Why not?" he said, shrugging. Sakuma could call him Hanako the Flower Girl and he'd be happy that Sakuma called him by some name in the first place.
"Since you don't want to call me by my first name, it feels kinda weird to call YOU by it, doncha think?" Sakuma cocked his head.
"I told you, it's not a matter of wanting," Tatsuha muttered. "You're a - you're a -"
"Popstar?"
"More than that, you're - "
"Your favourite singer?"
"More than that..." Tatsuha shook his head, his voice hardly even a whisper. He could suddenly feel tension in the air.
"What, god?" Sakuma laughed, but not happily.
*He knows it's true,* Tatsuha thought. *Fuck, he knows, he knows exactly what I'm thinking... Why can't I keep my stupid desperate fanboy mouth shut!*
Sakuma's eyes left him and he looked out of the window. "I kinda thought it was something like that," Tatsuha heard him say, his voice frighteningly low. Was it anger, or disdain, or perhaps - disappointment? Tatsuha couldn't tell. He didn't dare to glance up to see Sakuma's face to find out.
They sat in uncomfortable silence for the rest of the drive.
+
"Here we are, sir," the driver said, bringing them both back to reality.
Tatsuha began nervously searching for his wallet. "How much is it?"
"Let it be, I'll take care of it," Sakuma said, his voice still low. Half of his face was hidden behind the dark blue cap.
Tatsuha nodded nervously and muttered a quick 'thank you', then scrambled out of the car. All the lights were turned off and he suspected all hell would be loose as soon as he ringed the doorbell.
He glanced back at Sakuma, not knowing why the singer seemed so hurt but feeling guilty all the same. They watched each other through the window for a few eyeblinks, then Tatsuha mumbled a hasty 'bye' and walked off.
Sakuma lowered the glass and leaned out of the car, calling, "Uesugi-san!"
Tatsuha tried his best to appear as if the changed tone hadn't affected him in any way. "Y-yes?" He turned and walked back to the car.
Sakuma looked at him with an unnamed sorrow in his warm brown eyes, and that alone made Tatsuha melt. "Hey, let's not end the day like this," the singer said softly, "I'd feel bad if I let you leave offended."
"N-no, not at all, it's okay," Tatsuha stammered, puzzled.
Sakuma looked satisfied. "Okay then. Thanks for hanging out with me; I had bunches of fun! See ya later!"
"See you..." Tatsuha echoed. He had absolutely no idea what Sakuma was talking about, or why he had looked so sad, but didn't know how to ask.
Sakuma offered him his hand, a smile creeping to his face once again. It never was too far away. Tatsuha stared at the offered hand, blinking.
"You're supposed to shake it," Sakuma said, laughing, as Tatsuha turned red and quickly shook his hand. "Sorry, I think America left me with that habit. I find it much more fun than bowing. It's more personal, y'know?"
"Uh huh," Tatsuha said lamely. That was the fourth time Sakuma had touched his hand, and this was something he had to revel in for a moment.
"Well, good night! Say hi to Shuuichi for me; tell him I loved their last song, it was awesome!" Sakuma started closing the car window once again, but then stopped half-way. "Oh, and Uesug--"
"You can call me Tatsuha!" Tatsuha blurted out.
Sakuma smiled mysteriously through the glass. "Right. Tatsuha. Remember to check your pockets. All sorts of people go to bars like that."
Then his eyes crinked up cutely and he waved goodbye, and soon the car had slipped among the mass of flickering lights of the Tokyo city, leaving Tatsuha to slowly awaken from the most amazing dream he had ever had.
+
"As if it isn't enough that you come crashing here out of the blue! What the hell do you think this is, a roadside motel?" Eiri snapped at his brother, pacing the floor irritatedly.
"Yeah, sorry about that," Tatsuha said for the third time, picking his nose. "Did Shuuichi get back home safely, by the way?"
"Don't change the subject!" Eiri pointed an accusing finger at him. "Wake me up in the middle of the night again and you'll fly out like a bad habit, understood?"
"Yes, Mom," Tatsuha quipped wrily.
Eiri's eyes narrowed. "Perhaps you have an overpowering urge to spend the rest of the night outside the gate?"
Tatsuha took his backpack and threw it into the corner of the living room he had called his own. "Chill out, bro. I'm exhausted."
"So am I," Eiri said icily and stomped out of the room.
Tatsuha jumped when the bedroom door was slammed shut.
*Ouch. Well, that's my brother for you, what did I expect?*
He yawned as he stripped off his worn jeans and t-shirt.
*I've just spent an entire day with Sakuma Ryuuichi.*
Tatsuha paused as he rolled open his sleeping bag, letting the thought mellow in his brain a little while.
*I, Uesugi Tatsuha, just spent a day with the singer of Nittle Grasper, Sakuma Ryuuichi.*
He sighed and lay down, staring unbelievingly at the ceiling. He couldn't help the smug smile creeping to his face. How many times had he dreamt that something like this would happen? That he would just bump into Sakuma and they'd spend the day together and he'd get to ride with him in his fancy car and... Exactly what he had experienced today.
Dreams didn't end this way, though, Tatsuha realised, knitting his brows. Everything that had happened had been fantastic, and Tatsuha couldn't possibly hope for more. Not in this life. He'd already got enough to last for a couple of human lifetimes. Sakuma Ryuuichi had taken his hand, thrice, and given him a ride, twice. More than enough... everything else was just a dream.
Tatsuha blushed furiously and crawled inside the sleeping bag. All his dreams ended differently, with Sakuma taking him to the hotel with him... and...
*Oh, hell... fucking hell, I know it's stupid. Just a stupid fantasy... but doesn't everybody have those? Isn't it just normal to want someone who you think is awesome? Or is it just me? I wish someone would tell me...*
He rolled on one side, eyes glistening, and listened to the silence of his brother's apartment, thinking back...
[flashback]
"HEY! This's NOT funny! Give it back right now, you stupid bastard!"
Tatsuha stopped punching his brother's back as it seemed to amount to nothing and tackled him to the floor, desperately fighting to get his hands on the worn scrapbook Eiri was skillfully keeping out of his reach.
"No way, you're not getting it! Now get off me! Off me, you goddamned brat - OUCH! What're you doing?!"
Tatsuha had punched him so hard that his nose started bleeding. That didn't stop the enraged 14-year-old, however. "Give it back!" he demanded, almost growling, and aimed the next hit.
"Tacchan, stop it!" called his sister's snappy voice. Tatsuha turned his head to see Mika running towards them with a strict look on her face.
"Boys, what's going on in there?" their father asked from his study.
"Eiri took my scrapbook! Tell him to give it back!" Tatsuha shouted as Mika kneeled down next to her brothers.
"It's not normal, I'm telling you!" Eiri exclaimed, pushing his little brother off him. He got up, wiping the blood off his face. "He's got six books full of pictures of Nittle Grasper! Isn't it enough that you have to cover the walls with them?"
"Eiri, give the book back to him," Mika said in her authoritive voice that everyone in the house knew meant business. "And you, Tacchan, are going to explain. Why did you do that to your brother? Look what you did, his nose is bleeding!"
Tatsuha kicked the nearby wall in teenage frustration. "So what! I jus' don't want nobody touchin' my fuckin' stuff!"
"Language!"
"I called him THREE TIMES and he didn't hear anything!" Eiri told his sister. "Three times, and he just stared at that stupid book! Look, there's nothing but pictures of that Sakuma guy in it!" He opened the book and presented it to Mika, who sighed irritatedly.
"Give it back!" Tatsuha demanded again.
"Maybe you should lay off that band stuff a little, Tacchan," Mika suggested, handing him his book, which he immediately clutched protectively to his chest.
"Get a girlfriend!" Eiri suggested mockingly over Tatsuha's shoulder, walking away.
"Fuck off, Eiri!" Tatsuha fumed.
"Tacchan! Uesugi Tatsuha, stop it! He's just trying to help you." Mika put his hands on Tatsuha's shoulders. "Your brother might not always sound like it, but he only wants your best."
"Yeah, right," Tatsuha grumbled, still clutching the scrapbook.
Mika leaned down to smile at him. "Maybe he's got a point. You know, Sachiko's little sister, you remember her, she was that short-haired girl who came by yesterday with Sachiko, she seemed to have taken a real liking to you..."
Tatsuha turned red in the face and screeched, "What're ya all after me for?! Let me be!"
"Mika, you might as well give up," Eiri's voice came from the kitchen, "Tatsuha's not *like that*."
Mika frowned. "What?"
"Hey, Tatsuha! When are you gonna MARRY that Sakuma guy of yours?"
"I hate you! I hate you both!" Tatsuha yelled at the top of his lungs and ran to his room, slamming the door shut so hard that the whole apartment shook.
[end flashback]
Tatsuha turned onto his stomach, still frowning.
*I know Eiri didn't mean anything by that... yeah, right, as if HE would be in any place to judge me, living with Shuuichi like this...* He let out a small laugh. *And things were a bit different back then. He wasn't Yuki... and I don't think I was Tatsuha yet. Who could've known things would turn out like this? I sure as hell didn't. I mean, even the *thought* of my brother being gay... it's still so hard to believe! Not that I have anything against it, but after teasing me about my obsession for Sakuma for years, it just feels weird, I guess.*
Tatsuha sighed under his breath. *And it WAS just teasing, right? ...I'm not gay, I like girls. Girls are cute. Just because I've never had a girlfriend doesn't mean I don't want one.*
*But Sakuma... he's *special*. He's always been special to me.*
*I know it's weird, and I probably have some issues or something... But is it my fault he's got such a divine singing voice and sparkling personality and cool hair and captivating eyes? It should be illegal to be so cute and sexy at the same time. A creature so perfect was MADE to be worshipped and longed for by everyone.*
Satisfied with his process of thought, Tatsuha reached out to fish his Discman from the backpack. Nittle Grasper's third CD was his favourite; fast beats mingling with soft, dreamy ballads. He clicked the Play button and snuggled inside his sleeping bag, allowing the music to lull him to sleep and the voice of Sakuma Ryuuichi to invade his dreams. It was a ritual he had practiced for years and found near impossible to fall asleep without.