I guess you could say we've become more than just simply close, I feel closer to Jay than I've ever been to anyone who wasn't my family and back then it was a shock to my system, and I think it was for him too.

We became such good friends in only a number of weeks and were constantly together. After a few months the light teasing started, people started passing comment on us and judging everything we did and this made me want to back away from Jay for a while – but for some reason I never could.

Beth picked up on our familiarity and pulled me aside after math one day about a year and a half ago.

"Can I ask you something Grace?" She wondered in her confident style, leaning casually against the water fountain as I drunk a little.

"Sure…" I smiled.

"What's going on between you and Jay?" She blurted in a manner that was unlike her.

"Erm…I…what do you mean exactly?" I stuttered, shocked.

"Are you getting together or something?"

I pushed my hair behind my ears nervously; I didn't think my feelings for him were as obvious as she was making out. "We're just good friends." I said firmly.

Beth laughed softly. "Friends? C'mon Grace…I've known Jay for years – Jay and I are 'just good friends' and he's never looked at me the way he looks at you."

I felt myself blushing but laughed it off. "Beth! Your imagination is too overactive!" I giggled walking away from her down the hall.

I paused and looked back. "Well?" I asked. "You coming?"

Jay was never anything other than friendly towards me and I think in some ways that gave me a vain optimism that he had feelings for me too, and Beth telling me what she thought only added to that hope.

I liked Jay, a lot, and if the truth were known he made me horny.

C'mon! I was nearly sixteen and my hormones were far too overactive, and as much as I tried not to think about him in that way I couldn't stop myself. I'd liked guys before – but no one had ever made me feel half the way I did when Jay looked at me with those smirking eyes.

I wondered if he knew what I thought about him, and even if he thought about me in the lonely dark. I wondered if he needed someone too, someone's gentle touch when he was afraid – if he needed me in the same way I felt I needed him.

It was a few months ago when I finally realised just how deep my feelings for Jay ran. We'd been friendly for well over a year, I was no longer the 'new girl' and I really felt as though I finally fitted in somewhere.

It was a Wednesday afternoon and I, feeling in a rather reflective mood had crept off to the school's library. I had a study period but studying was far from my mind as I found myself in the place I loved most – after the beach. The library was all dark wood and tall bookshelves, and smelled of knowledge and secrets and imagination. Tall wall-length glass windows spilled the afternoon sun all over the floor in a pool of golden as I made my way to the end of the room and curled up at the corner desk with my favourite book "The Bell Jar". The copy I was reading from was tattered and well thumbed and even though it wasn't a happy novel I felt happiest when I was reading it.

"Grace…" I didn't register the voice at first and just took it as another of the libraries comforting noises – until it came again. "Grace?"

I jumped and nearly dropped my book with a clatter.

"Jay?" I whispered looking up. "You nearly scared the hell out of me!"

Jay smirked and the corners of his eyes crinkled a little. "Sorry." He shrugged. "I was looking for you in the study-hall, but you weren't there. I figured you'd be here." He sat down next to me.

I felt a tiny bit of trepidation and placed my book on the table. "What's wrong?" I asked the concern in my voice scaring me even more.

"I didn't know who else to come to Gracey…" I closed my eyes for a second as he called me that and tried to stop the butterflies swarming in the pit of my stomach – this was serious. "Everyone else…they always come to me with their problems but I don't have anyone do I?"

I touched his shoulder a little awkwardly – I shouldn't be having sexual thoughts about him right now, something terrible had happened and I…- "You've got me Jay. Whenever you need me."

His eyes collided with mine and I had to catch my breath. "It's my dad."

The librarian's head snapped up and she hushed us very loudly.

Both of us averted our eyes and I could feel myself blushing.

Jay moved his chair closer so that my thigh and side were brushing against his. "He's sick Grace. He says it's nothing – but I can tell he's lying – he's trying to keep something from us, I know it. I just don't know what to do about Ved – it'll crush him if dad dies." He looked so sad I felt tears well up in my eyes. "Him especially." He amended.

I struggled to think of everything I knew about Jay's dad. He was a scientist – genetic I think – worked for the government…Pandorax?

Even now I'm not sure what that means.

I reached for Jay's hand. "It's gonna be fine Jay." I whispered as softly as I could. "Your dad wouldn't lie to you if it was important." I wanted to believe this SO much. "He loves you all too much for that."

We were so close I could feel him breathing – our noses were almost touching as we whispered. I looked into his eyes and told him again that I'd be there for him if he ever needed me, and as I did so I prayed that he couldn't feel my trembling from being so close to him.

And then he said something I wasn't expecting.

"You're my best friend Grace." He said so softly I almost didn't hear it.

I put my arms around him as tears pricked my eyelids and held him for a second. "Your mine too Jay. And everything's going to work out – I promise."

Then I pulled back and smiled through blurry eyes. "Let's get out of here – I think we need to go walking on the beach."

And that was that.

He was, and still is, one of my best friends…the best friend I've ever had.

Grace closed her eyes for a moment to hold in tears.

Which is why I can never tell him how I really feel. He trusts me so much and I don't think he really has a clue what I'm feeling.

Right now I suppose that even though I don't have him how I'd like – I still have something. I'm afraid that if I ever told him how I felt I'd lose him, and us, forever. We have something that I never want to lose…

A mutual friendship.

We can hug and play fight and walk along the beach; he can hold my hand and tell me I'm wonderful and we can both feel safe in the knowledge that it's nothing more than friendship.

Tears dropped onto the paper as Grace scribbled hard with the pencil.

And sometimes I feel so ashamed, because he thinks that I'm honest with him.

And I'm not, because if I were honest I'd tell him something that neither of us wants to hear.

I'd tell him that I think I'm in love with him.