The Reflection of Myself
By Ivy-chan
Part One
I leaned against the window and looked up at the stars. I tried to concentrate on the constellations but soon my vision became too blurred to see the individual spots of light.
I jumped as I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned quickly to see who it was and I gasped when I found myself staring into Hotohori-sama's deep eyes. I let my gaze travel over his body and take in the sight of him. He was wearing a light blue robe that was wrapped loosely around him. The front was hanging open and I could glimpse his smooth white chest underneath. I felt my cheeks burn and I lowered my head so that Hotohori-sama could not see.
"Good evening Hotohori-sama. I hope that I did not wake you." I gave a little bow and brought my eyes up to look directly into his. I carefully held back my emotions and made my face be still so that he would not know how I still felt about him.
"Please don't bow Nuriko," He placed both hands on my shoulders, "We are equals."
"Only with Miaka, Hotohori-sama, only as seishi. In the palace you are twice the man I am and a hundred times more important." I turned my face away from him not wanting him to see me lose control of my emotions. A single tear slipped from my eye and I hoped that he would not see it.
"As people," One of his hands gripped my chin and turned it towards him, "We are equals. I am no better than you." I gasped as I felt him gently wipe away my tear. He gazed deep into my eyes as if searching for something. He must have found what he was looking for because he crushed me against him and wrapped his arms tightly around me. Hotohori ran his fingers through my hair and huskily whispered, "Wo ai ni, Nuriko," into my ear before he lightly nibbled on it. I looked up into his beautiful eyes expecting to see only mockery there, but what I found were only love and compassion... and longing, incredible longing.
I blushed and reached up to smooth back the silky hair that hand fallen into his eyes, "I never thought that I would ever hear you say that to me Hotohori-sama."
It was his turn to blush, "Please, just call me Hotohori," He paused for a moment before going on, "These feelings, they have been plaguing me for some time, from before Miaka arrived in our world. My heart as been screaming ever since to let you know and to take you in my arms so that I could always protect you. Tonight... tonight my control broke and I just had to let you know. I don't think I could live without you by side. I only hoped that your feelings for me had not changed. You looked so beautiful, and yet so lonely and lost, standing by the window with the moonlight streaming through your hair. I just could not hold myself back." I thought for a moment that his eyes were full of loneliness and sadness, but the emotions flashed too quickly for me to tell. He leaned down and captured my lips in a searing kiss.
* * *
I sat straight up in bed. It took me a moment before I realized who and where I was. I quickly shook my head and pulled the covers off of me.
I wonder what awoke me so suddenly... I thought as grabbed my robe and threw it around myself.
Hotohori's lips were pressed tightly against mine and his hands were tangled in my hair, which was down and around my shoulders.
The image flashed before my eyes as I stood up. The memory of my dream was so vivid that for a moment I thought that it was real. Even though I was disappointed that it wasn't, I quickly shrugged it off and shuffled over to the door leading out into the hallway.
The hallways of the palace were quiet at this time of night and I could hear my every footfall sounding on the wooden floor and echoing back to me. I tried to walk more quietly, not wanting to walk anyone. I gave a sigh of relief as I reached the carpet, glad that I wouldn't have to hear the hollow echoing of my footsteps. That's how my life was, empty and hollow. It had no meaning.
I turned into the library and swiftly went across the room and opened the door leading onto the balcony. Before stepping out I noticed that someone had left a fire burning in the fireplace. I almost went to sit by it, but I preferred the feel of the openness of the outdoors to the cramped library.
I settled down on the edge of the railing and looked out across Konan. Many of the lights from the capital could be seen from where I was standing and I gazed out at them as I sank into thought.
Years and years ago, I had a sister. She was the light of my life and all I wanted was to protect her from harm's way, but I failed.
Every Sunday, Mother would have Korin and I walk down to the market to pick up food for our family dinner. On these days the entire family would get together, including all the grandparents and cousins, and each individual family unit would bring a couple of dishes for us to eat. It was Korin's favorite day of the week. All of the little cousins worshipped her and she loved having their undivided attention.
The little stall where Mother preferred to buy her potatoes was across the street. Usually, I would let my little sister go ahead of me so that I could watch her, but that day I had been in a hurry.
I rushed ahead of her and as soon as I was on the other side I turned to grab her hand. I saw her standing in the middle of the street and I watched as a cart flew towards her as if in slow motion. I yelled her name and hoped that she would hear me and move out of the way. It seemed like it took hours for the cart to come in contact with her. In seconds she had been trampled by the horses. I ran out into the road and grabbed her. I held her limp body close to mine and screamed out her name, willing her to come back to us. I wouldn't let go her. I just would not accept that she was gone from my life forever.
I sat there like that, holding Korin in my arms with tears running down my face, soaking her dress, until a friend of the family finally pried me away from her cold and stiff body and he lead me away.
I don't remember the rest of the day, but somehow I ended up at home. When I woke up the next morning, I was not in my bed. I had been sleeping in Korin's bed. As I stepped out of bed, I realized that I was also wearing one of her nightgowns. At first I was appalled at this, but then my face softened as I took a piece of the fabric up to my nose and inhaled her scent. I turned and looked at the mirror, and instead of seeing myself reflected back, I saw Korin. I was mesmerized by the image. It took several moments realize that it was indeed me, and not Korin. I decided from that moment on, Korin would live through me.
For months my parents tried to stop me from wearing Korin's clothing, but when none of their ideas worked, they gave up and let me do as I wished.
And years later, I ended up here, in the palace, competing with other women to become empress. I fell in love with Hotohori-sama the moment I saw him and I've wanted him to be mine ever since. Everything was going according to plan until Miaka showed up. Not only did Hotohori-sama fall in love with her, but Miaka also told him that I was not a woman, but a man!
I knew that he would find out sooner or later that I was not what I was saying I was, but that was not the way I had intended for him to find out. Now I will never have a chance with him. Since we are both Suzaku Seishi, he is generally nice to me, but I know, deep down he must be disgusted with me.
I turned away from the view of Konan with disgust and returned to the library. I stopped as I was about to leave the room and stared at the window looking out over Konan.
That was the window I had been standing by in my dream. Could it come true? I let out a soft snort. Of course not baka. Your dreams will never come true.
I turned away from the window and made my way back to my room and hoped that I would have no more fantasies interrupting my sleep. I welcomed the nightmares to come tonight.
* * *
I walked down to the kitchen late the next afternoon to grab something light to eat. When I walked in, Miaka was sitting at the small wooden table pigging out on a plate full of deep fried fish. In seconds the plate was cleared and she was asking for more.
"Oi Nuriko!" She called out as she shoved a forkful of some unidentifiable food into her mouth.
"Ohayo Miaka-chan!" I forced myself to sound cheerful and I slipped easily behind the mask that I had made for myself. No one would ever know what was truly in my heart. I flashed her a smile and waved to her as I left the room.
It wasn't that I didn't like Miaka. I do. It's just that I'm jealous of her. Hotohori-sama is in love with her and he will not accept anyone else but her. In the beginning I was mad at her, but I know now that she loves Tamahome and not anyone else. There are even times when I feel for Miaka what I feel for Hotohori-sama. That special feeling, it's as if something is stirring deep within my heart.
I walked into one of the more secluded gardens and sat down on the edge of a water fountain. Hotohori-sama made sure that the palace grounds were always well kept and this garden showed it. It was extremely beautiful and also one of Hotohori-sama's favorites. I don't know why I chose to sit here. Hotohori-sama is one of the last people I want to see when I am vulnerable like I am now, so when I heard footsteps on the garden path I almost bolted.
Just as I was standing I heard a voice, "Plant your butt right back down Nuriko. We need to talk." I complied and sat back down. Tamahome walked over and settled down next to me.
"Oh we do, do we?" I flashed him one of my smirks and squinted up at him through the sunlight. "And what do we have to talk about?"
Tamahome stared vacantly at the rushing water from the fountain for a moment before replying, "What is wrong Nuriko? You don't seem to be the Nuriko that I first met."
I dropped my gaze to my lap and idly twisted my hands into knots, "It's nothing Tamahome. I'm fine," I paused for a moment to look at him again, "Really Tama-chan, I'm fine."
His face grew concerned and he studied me before he answered, "If you need to talk about it Nuriko, just come find me. I always have a shoulder for you to lean on."
"Arigatou Tamahome," I watched him as he stood up and walked out of the garden. How can he see through me so well? I dropped my hand into the water and watched the ripples spread out from my fingers.
Without my noticing, tears began to slip down my face. I quickly wiped them away and stood up. I left the garden just as I heard footsteps on the path behind me. I picked up my pace and began to jog. Hotohori-sama's voice called out from behind me, "Nuriko! I want to talk with you!" I continued to run as if I hadn't heard him.
* * *
Late that night I walked through the library trying to find a book to read. I was having trouble sleeping. As soon as I found a book that looked boring enough to put a statue to sleep, I walked over to one of the cushioned chairs and sat down. Someone had left a fire going again and I basked in its warmth.
I opened up the book and set it on my lap. The light of the flames flickered across the pages and I settled into the chair. Before long I was caught up in the story and I felt as if I were one of the characters in the book. Guess you really can't judge a book by its cover. I lost track of time and I soon began to doze off in the chair.
* * *
I threw back the covers in distaste and shoved my feet over the side of the bed. I ran my fingers through my long hair trying to untangle it. I shuffled over to the bay window in my room and threw open one of the windows and let the cool air wash over my inflamed skin. I sighed and leaned my head against the window frame and stared out into the night sky.
I let out a long sigh and grabbed my robe before walking out of the room and down the hall. When I reached the library I was surprised to find someone else occupying my chair by the fire. I tiptoed over to the chair and quietly peeked over the back to see who it was. I smiled softly at my discovery. I never knew Nuriko liked to read books.
I carefully pried the book out of his hands and stared down and the cover in awe. Not only had Nuriko been doing the last thing I ever thought I'd see him do, but he had also been reading my favorite book! I chuckled softly and set it down on one of the nearby tables.
I turned and began to walk away, but something made me turn back around to gaze at Nuriko. The light of the fire was flickering across his face and his lips were drawn up in a slight smile. I walked back to the chair and leaned over to pick him up. Once he was securely in my arms, I carefully walked into Nuriko's bedroom and slipped him under the covers. I gently brushed the hair out of his face before turning to leave the room.
"Hotohori-sama…"
I glanced back at Nuriko and was ready to ask him what he needed when I realized that his eyes were still closed in slumber. I slowly shook my head. He must be dreaming. I sighed and shuffled out of the room. Why was he calling out my name?
* * *
Well, that's the first part! What do you think of it? Now, if I could only finish all my other stories. Please leave a review or e-mail me at VxTylendelxV@aol.com with comments! :D Arigatou!
By Ivy-chan
Part One
I leaned against the window and looked up at the stars. I tried to concentrate on the constellations but soon my vision became too blurred to see the individual spots of light.
I jumped as I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned quickly to see who it was and I gasped when I found myself staring into Hotohori-sama's deep eyes. I let my gaze travel over his body and take in the sight of him. He was wearing a light blue robe that was wrapped loosely around him. The front was hanging open and I could glimpse his smooth white chest underneath. I felt my cheeks burn and I lowered my head so that Hotohori-sama could not see.
"Good evening Hotohori-sama. I hope that I did not wake you." I gave a little bow and brought my eyes up to look directly into his. I carefully held back my emotions and made my face be still so that he would not know how I still felt about him.
"Please don't bow Nuriko," He placed both hands on my shoulders, "We are equals."
"Only with Miaka, Hotohori-sama, only as seishi. In the palace you are twice the man I am and a hundred times more important." I turned my face away from him not wanting him to see me lose control of my emotions. A single tear slipped from my eye and I hoped that he would not see it.
"As people," One of his hands gripped my chin and turned it towards him, "We are equals. I am no better than you." I gasped as I felt him gently wipe away my tear. He gazed deep into my eyes as if searching for something. He must have found what he was looking for because he crushed me against him and wrapped his arms tightly around me. Hotohori ran his fingers through my hair and huskily whispered, "Wo ai ni, Nuriko," into my ear before he lightly nibbled on it. I looked up into his beautiful eyes expecting to see only mockery there, but what I found were only love and compassion... and longing, incredible longing.
I blushed and reached up to smooth back the silky hair that hand fallen into his eyes, "I never thought that I would ever hear you say that to me Hotohori-sama."
It was his turn to blush, "Please, just call me Hotohori," He paused for a moment before going on, "These feelings, they have been plaguing me for some time, from before Miaka arrived in our world. My heart as been screaming ever since to let you know and to take you in my arms so that I could always protect you. Tonight... tonight my control broke and I just had to let you know. I don't think I could live without you by side. I only hoped that your feelings for me had not changed. You looked so beautiful, and yet so lonely and lost, standing by the window with the moonlight streaming through your hair. I just could not hold myself back." I thought for a moment that his eyes were full of loneliness and sadness, but the emotions flashed too quickly for me to tell. He leaned down and captured my lips in a searing kiss.
* * *
I sat straight up in bed. It took me a moment before I realized who and where I was. I quickly shook my head and pulled the covers off of me.
I wonder what awoke me so suddenly... I thought as grabbed my robe and threw it around myself.
Hotohori's lips were pressed tightly against mine and his hands were tangled in my hair, which was down and around my shoulders.
The image flashed before my eyes as I stood up. The memory of my dream was so vivid that for a moment I thought that it was real. Even though I was disappointed that it wasn't, I quickly shrugged it off and shuffled over to the door leading out into the hallway.
The hallways of the palace were quiet at this time of night and I could hear my every footfall sounding on the wooden floor and echoing back to me. I tried to walk more quietly, not wanting to walk anyone. I gave a sigh of relief as I reached the carpet, glad that I wouldn't have to hear the hollow echoing of my footsteps. That's how my life was, empty and hollow. It had no meaning.
I turned into the library and swiftly went across the room and opened the door leading onto the balcony. Before stepping out I noticed that someone had left a fire burning in the fireplace. I almost went to sit by it, but I preferred the feel of the openness of the outdoors to the cramped library.
I settled down on the edge of the railing and looked out across Konan. Many of the lights from the capital could be seen from where I was standing and I gazed out at them as I sank into thought.
Years and years ago, I had a sister. She was the light of my life and all I wanted was to protect her from harm's way, but I failed.
Every Sunday, Mother would have Korin and I walk down to the market to pick up food for our family dinner. On these days the entire family would get together, including all the grandparents and cousins, and each individual family unit would bring a couple of dishes for us to eat. It was Korin's favorite day of the week. All of the little cousins worshipped her and she loved having their undivided attention.
The little stall where Mother preferred to buy her potatoes was across the street. Usually, I would let my little sister go ahead of me so that I could watch her, but that day I had been in a hurry.
I rushed ahead of her and as soon as I was on the other side I turned to grab her hand. I saw her standing in the middle of the street and I watched as a cart flew towards her as if in slow motion. I yelled her name and hoped that she would hear me and move out of the way. It seemed like it took hours for the cart to come in contact with her. In seconds she had been trampled by the horses. I ran out into the road and grabbed her. I held her limp body close to mine and screamed out her name, willing her to come back to us. I wouldn't let go her. I just would not accept that she was gone from my life forever.
I sat there like that, holding Korin in my arms with tears running down my face, soaking her dress, until a friend of the family finally pried me away from her cold and stiff body and he lead me away.
I don't remember the rest of the day, but somehow I ended up at home. When I woke up the next morning, I was not in my bed. I had been sleeping in Korin's bed. As I stepped out of bed, I realized that I was also wearing one of her nightgowns. At first I was appalled at this, but then my face softened as I took a piece of the fabric up to my nose and inhaled her scent. I turned and looked at the mirror, and instead of seeing myself reflected back, I saw Korin. I was mesmerized by the image. It took several moments realize that it was indeed me, and not Korin. I decided from that moment on, Korin would live through me.
For months my parents tried to stop me from wearing Korin's clothing, but when none of their ideas worked, they gave up and let me do as I wished.
And years later, I ended up here, in the palace, competing with other women to become empress. I fell in love with Hotohori-sama the moment I saw him and I've wanted him to be mine ever since. Everything was going according to plan until Miaka showed up. Not only did Hotohori-sama fall in love with her, but Miaka also told him that I was not a woman, but a man!
I knew that he would find out sooner or later that I was not what I was saying I was, but that was not the way I had intended for him to find out. Now I will never have a chance with him. Since we are both Suzaku Seishi, he is generally nice to me, but I know, deep down he must be disgusted with me.
I turned away from the view of Konan with disgust and returned to the library. I stopped as I was about to leave the room and stared at the window looking out over Konan.
That was the window I had been standing by in my dream. Could it come true? I let out a soft snort. Of course not baka. Your dreams will never come true.
I turned away from the window and made my way back to my room and hoped that I would have no more fantasies interrupting my sleep. I welcomed the nightmares to come tonight.
* * *
I walked down to the kitchen late the next afternoon to grab something light to eat. When I walked in, Miaka was sitting at the small wooden table pigging out on a plate full of deep fried fish. In seconds the plate was cleared and she was asking for more.
"Oi Nuriko!" She called out as she shoved a forkful of some unidentifiable food into her mouth.
"Ohayo Miaka-chan!" I forced myself to sound cheerful and I slipped easily behind the mask that I had made for myself. No one would ever know what was truly in my heart. I flashed her a smile and waved to her as I left the room.
It wasn't that I didn't like Miaka. I do. It's just that I'm jealous of her. Hotohori-sama is in love with her and he will not accept anyone else but her. In the beginning I was mad at her, but I know now that she loves Tamahome and not anyone else. There are even times when I feel for Miaka what I feel for Hotohori-sama. That special feeling, it's as if something is stirring deep within my heart.
I walked into one of the more secluded gardens and sat down on the edge of a water fountain. Hotohori-sama made sure that the palace grounds were always well kept and this garden showed it. It was extremely beautiful and also one of Hotohori-sama's favorites. I don't know why I chose to sit here. Hotohori-sama is one of the last people I want to see when I am vulnerable like I am now, so when I heard footsteps on the garden path I almost bolted.
Just as I was standing I heard a voice, "Plant your butt right back down Nuriko. We need to talk." I complied and sat back down. Tamahome walked over and settled down next to me.
"Oh we do, do we?" I flashed him one of my smirks and squinted up at him through the sunlight. "And what do we have to talk about?"
Tamahome stared vacantly at the rushing water from the fountain for a moment before replying, "What is wrong Nuriko? You don't seem to be the Nuriko that I first met."
I dropped my gaze to my lap and idly twisted my hands into knots, "It's nothing Tamahome. I'm fine," I paused for a moment to look at him again, "Really Tama-chan, I'm fine."
His face grew concerned and he studied me before he answered, "If you need to talk about it Nuriko, just come find me. I always have a shoulder for you to lean on."
"Arigatou Tamahome," I watched him as he stood up and walked out of the garden. How can he see through me so well? I dropped my hand into the water and watched the ripples spread out from my fingers.
Without my noticing, tears began to slip down my face. I quickly wiped them away and stood up. I left the garden just as I heard footsteps on the path behind me. I picked up my pace and began to jog. Hotohori-sama's voice called out from behind me, "Nuriko! I want to talk with you!" I continued to run as if I hadn't heard him.
* * *
Late that night I walked through the library trying to find a book to read. I was having trouble sleeping. As soon as I found a book that looked boring enough to put a statue to sleep, I walked over to one of the cushioned chairs and sat down. Someone had left a fire going again and I basked in its warmth.
I opened up the book and set it on my lap. The light of the flames flickered across the pages and I settled into the chair. Before long I was caught up in the story and I felt as if I were one of the characters in the book. Guess you really can't judge a book by its cover. I lost track of time and I soon began to doze off in the chair.
* * *
I threw back the covers in distaste and shoved my feet over the side of the bed. I ran my fingers through my long hair trying to untangle it. I shuffled over to the bay window in my room and threw open one of the windows and let the cool air wash over my inflamed skin. I sighed and leaned my head against the window frame and stared out into the night sky.
I let out a long sigh and grabbed my robe before walking out of the room and down the hall. When I reached the library I was surprised to find someone else occupying my chair by the fire. I tiptoed over to the chair and quietly peeked over the back to see who it was. I smiled softly at my discovery. I never knew Nuriko liked to read books.
I carefully pried the book out of his hands and stared down and the cover in awe. Not only had Nuriko been doing the last thing I ever thought I'd see him do, but he had also been reading my favorite book! I chuckled softly and set it down on one of the nearby tables.
I turned and began to walk away, but something made me turn back around to gaze at Nuriko. The light of the fire was flickering across his face and his lips were drawn up in a slight smile. I walked back to the chair and leaned over to pick him up. Once he was securely in my arms, I carefully walked into Nuriko's bedroom and slipped him under the covers. I gently brushed the hair out of his face before turning to leave the room.
"Hotohori-sama…"
I glanced back at Nuriko and was ready to ask him what he needed when I realized that his eyes were still closed in slumber. I slowly shook my head. He must be dreaming. I sighed and shuffled out of the room. Why was he calling out my name?
* * *
Well, that's the first part! What do you think of it? Now, if I could only finish all my other stories. Please leave a review or e-mail me at VxTylendelxV@aol.com with comments! :D Arigatou!