Remembrances Chapter 2: Wearing Masks, a final fantasy viii fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own FF8, or anything in it. Nor do I own the two Arlo Guthrie songs (City of New Orleans & Last Train) that I've tweaked in this fic. Yada, yada, yada, bing, bang, boom, *imitates George Bush Senior* No New Taxes! The Jennisons (unfortunately) belong to me.

Authors Notes: No singing in this one, guys, so it's going to seem longer (aside from the fact that it is). ^_^ Whew! This one was hard! Selphie almost wrote herself, but this character was a bit more difficult.

Let it be known right now, that I like all the characters very much. You'll understand why I say that before you're done reading. These fics are based on my belief that just about everyone has something in their past that basically screwed over their psyche. I'm investigating some of the pasts of the FF8 characters, and I don't think you'll always like what happened to them. The thing is- life is like that all too often. Enjoy, or don't, but please R&R.

Wearing Masks

I wasn't surprised the next morning when Selphie was her usual, chipper self. It's funny when you think about it, but she keeps as tight a hold on her emotions as Squall does. I think that was the first time I've seen her cry in... I can't even remember how many years.

There's a simple explanation for it. When you spend most of your life in battle, you learn to guard your emotions- to keep them from being used against you. On some level, we are all so guarded. The variation lies in what we guard and how we guard it.

Selphie hides her sadness and her fear; hides them behind her joyful energy. Thus no one ever thinks she might want to be alone, or that she may feel like crying inside.

Selphie has her cheerfulness, Squall has his cold indifference, and I have my competence... finally. I have my competence....

It isn't always the battles that cause us to put on our masks. I begin carving mine long before I joined Garden.

We were due to arrive in Esthar before noon that day, so while Squall and Rinoa were receiving last minute protocol directions from the Esthar Ambassador, the rest of us waited in our quarters. We were ready, all dressed in the SeeD formal attire.

Allow me to share a little secret with you. The one problem I had during my time as an instructor- and will have again, I'm sure, as I plan to reapply for that position- was having to wear those damn formal-dress uniforms.

A man must have designed them. Must. Have. Some pervert with more hormones than sense, I'm sure. Who else would have designed a fighting uniform with a skirt? Much less one that short. Well... it's true that some SeeD's prefer even shorter normal clothing, but I don't.

The only thing worse than fighting in them was having to teach class in them. Oh yes, I had the students' attention, and their respect, but it wasn't due to my teaching skills.

Male SeeD's look dignified in the formal uniforms, true, but those enormous jackets and six-inch-long skirts? Female SeeD's look like little girls playing dress up in their mothers' clothes.

Maybe I should talk with Xu about designing something a little more dignified for formal wear....

Speaking of dignified, I find it interesting that even Irvine can look so professional in the formal uniform. Usually a long-haired, shifty-eyed ladies' man; the only time he ever looks like a true soldier is when he's in the thick of battle, or in his SeeD uniform.

What? Well of course Irvine is a seed now. After our battle with Ultimecia, Squall made at least two thirds of the garden inhabitants SeeD's. Our fight against Galbadia Garden had been more dangerous than any Field Exam that SeeD had ever given. If you were of age, and you had survived, you were a SeeD, no diploma necessary. Irvine earned his status several times over during our battle against Ultimecia.

He noticed me looking at him while he pulled at his sleeves.

"What?" he asked. The others turned to me.

"Just thinking about the absence of a certain something," I smiled.

"Comfortable clothing?" he joked, running a finger between his neck and his collar.

Zell laughed. "I know, Quisty. He looks weird without his hat." Selphie grinned and ruffled Irvine's hair, pulled back in its usual ponytail. Our resident cowboy smoothed his hair back into place and would have said something, but the door to our compartment opened, admitting one of the Eshtar Ambassador's aids.

"It's time," he murmured.

We stood and followed the man down the corridor. Squall and Rinoa were waiting together in the main compartment. An impressive set of double doors in the side of the train would be our exit. Squall and Rinoa would be the first pair off the train, followed by their entourage, namely us, then the other foreign dignitaries. If anyone thought it odd that the impartial President of Eshtar was recognizing a military group before the other, perhaps more peaceful ambassadors, no one said anything. They knew that SeeD had been responsible for the defeat of the Sorceress, and most of them believed that we were due the honor that we were about to receive. They didn't realize that the arrangement had more to do with the fact that Squall and Laguna were related.

Among our group, I think Rinoa had been the first to figure it out. Sis might have told her, or it might have been that uncanny sense of perception she has about all things Leonhart, but , Rinoa was the first. Selphie, who had spent the most time in Kiros' head, and saw Raine Leonhart/Loire through his eyes, was the second. After she figured it out it was a matter of minutes before she'd elatedly confessed to the rest of us. Rinoa made us promise not to talk about it, saying that Squall needed time to come to terms with the facts.

He's still in denial. On some level, I think he knows who his parents are. Why else would he so deliberately avoid Eshtar? But we all felt he needed to confront the issue head on. We waited in that compartment, and watched. It was then that I noticed their intertwined fingers, Rinoa's thumb, swathed in white silk, rubbing the back of Squall's gloved hand. She smiled gently at our young Commander, murmuring something that only he could hear. Squall, by comparison, seemed even more tense than usual.

They made a handsome pair though. Rinoa's hair fell lightly around her shoulders, a few ivory combs adorning the dark mass. Her dress was very similar to the one she wore the first time she'd entered Garden, but much longer, and much more elegant, brushing against the floor. Squall was dressed, like the rest of us, in his formal uniform, which was a slightly more complex ensemble than Zell's or Irvine's. As I said before, he looked tense. So tense that if he had been a harp string, he would have been vibrating.

I watched them, Rinoa supporting Squall in a moment of need, and envied them.

Let me say that again. I envy them. Not her, them. I admit that I was interested in Squall for a while, and it was a bit of a let-down to realize my feelings for him were nothing more than a misplaced 'mothering' instinct. We tell Squall that he has trust issues- that he never lets anyone see who is behind the mask of indifference, but there's a good reason for it. Somehow, when he was little, he formed the idea that if anyone ever got behind the mask and saw the real him, they'd leave. Raine did it, Sis did it, we, his friends, did it. Squall needs Rinoa because the mask never existed for her. Somehow, she'd always been on the inside. Squall knows that she really sees him, and despite that, she isn't going anywhere. I envy them because I want someone like that, but I'll never have them.

"Cute couple our 'lovebirds' are, huh?" Irvine asked, sidling up beside me. I jumped and turned to look at him.

"They are that," I answered with a smile.

"Whatcha' thinkin' about?"

"Oh, just that the Commander looks tense beyond belief," I replied softly.

Irvine nodded, grinned suddenly. "Sefie blew the Fifth Rule out of the water getting us here." I smirked at his words.

We all knew Squall hadn't been pleased about this trip. The five of us had held a meeting, trying to come up with some way to get him to Eshtar. Selphie's video did the trick, but there were a few tense hours in the Training Center when we wondered if Squall had killed off all the monsters and would start on SeeDs.

Oh don't be silly, he wouldn't have done any permanent damage. But it would have been within his rights to give Selphie a temporary suspension. A joke or not, she had broken a rule. Which one?

After we removed the Garden Master, the new administrators created five Rules to be given to all new SeeDs during their first day in Garden. The actual rule book is much longer, but the most important bits of advice are;

1.) Fighting is to be kept in the Training Center or outside Garden. (No blood in the halls, please.)

2.) Never fight alone. (Who would revive you if you died?)

3.) If you want the hot dogs, get to the Cafeteria one full hour early. (Fights have been known to break out among students at the back of the line.)

4.) Listen to your instructors. (Every one of them knows at least fifty ways to kill you.)

5.) Don't anger the Commander. (We're running out of places to hide the bodies.)

The fifth rule was something someone added one day, as a joke. But Cid, upon hearing it, said to let it stand.

'Good advice is good advice,' he told us, 'after all, we're running out of places to put the live bodies, without worrying about the dead ones.' So, to Squall's annoyance, the fifth rule is still read to incoming SeeDs.

I remember reciting that list completely deadpan during one tour. The new arrivals didn't know whether to laugh or run for their lives.

"She was right though," I said to Irvine. "He needed to come."

He nodded, "Still, it's nice he reigned in his temper so she could make the trip without any broken bones." Irvine smiled and wandered back to Selphie. I shook my head in amusement and resumed my study of 'the lovebirds', considering what he had said.

Now, it's not that Squall has a bad temper. Those who don't know him would say that he has no temper at all, but if you actually manage to set him off... it doesn't often end well.

As much as we all try to get Squall to open up more, I think his lack of outbursts is refreshing. Most people I know are too hasty with words, but Squall... let me put it this way. During a battle, some time ago, a monster hit Squall with a Silence spell. It took us seven hours to realize the fact. An inspired conversationalist our Commander is not.

I still remember the night of his graduation. The famous 'Go talk to a wall,' conversation. An interesting thing was that he actually apologized to me. It was almost a year after the fact... but, better late than never, wouldn't you say?

I frowned slightly and studied the floor then, thinking.

The termination of my Instructor's license. Not one of the brightest moments of my past. While completely unwarranted and wholly the work of the Garden Master's officers, being removed from my position hit hard. That event is the primary reason I've waited so long to reapply.

I know what people think about me. 'Confident, competent Quistis, a SeeD at 15, an instructor at 17.' But they don't know why. 'Overachiever, comes to her so easily,' some say, while they don't realize the reason behind it.

I've told my friends that things 'didn't work out' in my foster home after I left the Kramer Orphanage. That was something of an understatement. I went from being one of the older children in our small group, to being the very youngest in another. The youngest and the only girl in a foster home with five children. It takes a surprisingly short time to go from knowing everything -or at least thinking you do- to knowing nothing. According to the boys, that's all I knew, or would ever know, and believe me- if you are told something enough times, no matter how absurd, on some level, you begin to believe it.

I endured the teasing, taking comfort in the fact that they were almost of age and would soon be leaving the house. Their unyielding assertions that I was a brainless little baby fueled a need to learn. I began my first mask, my competence, to expose them as the liars they were. Even after those boys left, their words remained, and I kept studying, working towards the day when I would feel I had proved them wrong.

They were foolish, hateful little children, each and every one of them, but they were nothing compared to the man who ran the foster home.

The train finally stopped and I looked up. We were here. I glanced around at the people gathered in the compartment. I hadn't expected to see any familiar faces, so when I caught sight of a certain older man with a military bearing and a weathered face in the crowd, I froze. I don't know why I was so surprised to see General Caraway, as he was now the closest thing Galbadia had to a President, yet my first reaction to him was a whispered curse.

Squall and Rinoa were being ushered out of the car, and failed to notice the General, watching them. Caraway's eyes were locked upon my two friends. He saw everything; the way Squall clutched Rinoa's hand in his own, the way she smiled reassuringly up at him, and, lastly, the way they both schooled their facial expressions into diplomatic masks that held just the right amount of dignity, graciousness, and in Squall's case, indifference.

Someone nudged me and I remembered the ceremony. I turned quickly, falling into line beside Zell, who was two steps behind Squall.

"What's wrong?" he whispered, barely moving his lips. As one, we moved towards the open doors and out onto the arrival platform.

"Galbadian representative at five o'clock," I whispered back. Zell took a quick look and paled slightly. This wasn't going to make things any easier.

We both went silent as Squall and Rinoa reached Laguna, standing at the end of the platform. They stopped. Zell and I turned on our heels and stepped out far enough to allow Irvine and Selphie to step forward, lining up with us, whereupon we turned again, facing front. We four stood shoulder to shoulder behind them, and saluted. Laguna glanced at us briefly, grinning, before he turned to Squall.

The Commander gave his father a salute, which Laguna attempted to return. He failed miserably, and with a sheepish kind of grin, turned and kissed Rinoa's hand. Sis, standing beside the President, came forward and kissed each of them on the cheek.

Ellone gave us a wide smile, which none of us returned. She knew about SeeD protocol, and as she winked at the four of us, I broke it by quirking my lips slightly. No public displays of affection while on duty. Elle noticed, and she was the only one.

A few quick turns and a bit of marching later and we stood off to the side of the platform, watching Laguna and Sis greet the rest of their guests. I could see General Caraway out of the corner of my eye, so I also saw when Rinoa caught sight of him. I stood there, not really listening as Laguna made a speech to the watching public. Rinoa happened to turn her head to the side for a moment, and she spotted her father.

She did the same thing I had. She froze. Squall noticed and looked at her, then traced her gaze back to the General. His eyes grew slightly hard, but he spoke her name in a gentle tone, managing to turn her attention back to Laguna. Rinoa's back was rigid, and without looking at her face, I knew it was too.

I don't pretend to know about Rinoa's problem with her father, and although I know the reason Squall dislikes Laguna, at least they have fathers who genuinely care for them. That's more than many of us had. Karl Jennison, for example, was much less. I would have preferred having no male role model to having one like him.

His wife was a kind enough woman, but blind to what a skilled actor her husband was. She wasn't the only one. To just about everyone, the Jennison's were the picture of the perfect couple.

I knew better.

It had begun the moment I entered the house. The sidelong glances, the 'accidental' brushing of his hand against my inner thigh when I wore a skirt, the suggestive leer I always saw when he told me to call him 'daddy'. But it wasn't until I was older and the boys left, that he tried anything more.

Perhaps it was the announcement that I'd been accepted into Garden, and would be leaving two days hence, that caused him to act. Either way, I was lying in bed one night when the creek of my door opening woke me. Heavy footsteps carried the man over to my bedside. I froze, unsure of what to do.

My hands tightened into fists as my comforter was pulled down, followed by my blanket. My eyes were slits, looking up at the bastard as he stopped at the cotton sheet. It was a poor, thin thing separating my skin from his thick hands. Mrs. Jennison had saved me. She was out in the hallway, softly calling for her husband. He seized the comforter in his hands and drew it back up, not bothering to straighten anything. Karl Jennison moved hastily out of my room, murmuring something about hearing me talking in my sleep. They went back to their room, never knowing how I crept down to the kitchen for a stake knife before going back to bed.

The next night I heard the footsteps again. This time Karl didn't waste any time. As I reached under my pillow for the knife, he sat down on the right side of my bed. He lifted my blankets with one hand, rested the other on my left shoulder. Before he completely knew that I was awake, I had the knife pressed to his fat throat.

"Put your hands above your head," I ordered coldly. His hand tightened on my shoulder. I pressed forward and up, tilting his head back with the knife. "I'll kill you before I let you go any further, I promise I will," I hissed at him. Jennison looked at me in the darkness, saw my eyes, still and cold, and knew I was telling the truth.

He may have been a sick bastard, but he wasn't stupid. Jennison stood up and backed out of my room. I didn't sleep at all the rest of the night, nor did I wait two days to leave. I paid extra money for an advanced ticket and departed for Balamb the next day.

The Greeting Ceremony finally ended and, as a group, the Dignitaries followed Laguna to the transit system that waited to take us to the Presidential Palace. The six of us entered one of the monorail's cars, followed, to the 'lovebirds' disgust, by Laguna, General Caraway, and a few others. When everyone was on -masks firmly in place- the monorail sped off.

Given my history, you may wonder how I managed to put up with the Trepies and all those drooling adolescent boys while I was an instructor; why I look forward to the same challenge again. Selphie and Rinoa asked me that very question once, not aware that there was a bigger reason for me to dislike the treatment.

It's simple. They aren't dangerous.

The Trepies and those young boys never actually think of acting on their impulses. Were I to take down the mask of endless information and supreme confidence, those boys would run screaming from the woman looking back at them. I have as many irrational fears, foolish doubts, and petty impulses as the next woman. It's mask that looks perfect, not me. I don't know if you understand what I'm saying, but I take comfort in the fact that Rinoa and Selphie did.