Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, and make no money from
wasting my time like this. Please don't sue me, not that there would be
any point to doing so.
Kiddies - have you ever wondered what would happen if the X-Men were called upon to solve a traditional country-house five-suspect murder mystery? Something like this, I should think…
1 MURDER AT THE CABOT LODGE: A MUTANT MYSTERY
"I, as you all know, am Inspector Davies of the Salem Center Homicide division. You've probably guessed why I asked you here to Cabot Lodge – you are all suspected of the murder of Roosevelt Cabot III. Two weeks ago he succumbed to a dose of arsenic left in the bottle of vodka he hid in his underwear drawer, and you five are the only people who had both a motive and access to his dresser drawers. I have called you here today to bring the killer to justice!
"You, Mrs. Cabot III - or should I say the 3rd Mrs. Cabot - you knew your husband was planning to divorce you, and you would rather be a wealthy widow with half the Cabot fortune to your name than a poor divorcee abandoned by both your husband and your greedy lover! You knew your husband had proof of your affair with Mr. Helminth and you would have gotten nothing had you and your husband gone to court!
"Mr. Cyril Helminth - you have wasted your inheritance and your ambition to marry a wealthy woman rather than get a job is well known. If Mr. Cabot died before he divorced his wife - your mistress would have become the rich widow of your dreams!
"And you, Mr. Roosevelt Cabot IV, or should I say 'Cabot the lesser'? You owe the mob a fortune in gambling debts and your father had refused to give you the money. You are unqualified for any job that would pay enough to satisfy your creditors, and you knew that your only alternative to bodily harm was to claim your inheritance immediately and by any means necessary!
"Mrs. Barnes, the humble housekeeper, whose full name is Delilah Tetrazzini Barnes. Yes, Mrs. Barnes – I know of your secret grudge against Mr. Cabot! Ten years ago your sister Helen Tetrazzini killed herself after Mr. Cabot fired her for pilfering office supplies, it took you this long to worm your way into his household - where you were in a position to administer a dose of the very same poison that took your sister's life!
"Ms. Gudgeon - for fifteen years you were Mr. Cabot's faithful business manager, and by wise investments increased Mr. Cabot's inherited fortune twice fold. But when you 'borrowed' $200,000 to pay for the medical expenses of an uninsured relative, Mr. Cabot found out! Your pleas to his better nature went unheard, you could not return the money and he intended to prosecute! If you were convicted of embezzlement you would have gone to jail, and emerged to find your career as an investment counselor in ruins! You had to stop him from exposing you - and you had to act quickly and finally!
"So, ladies and gentlemen, our killer knew his or her victim very well indeed – or knew someone who did – and was clever enough to avoid leaving any physical evidence, and had entree to Cabot Lodge itself. One of you is a poisoner, and any one of you could have slipped into Mr. Cabot's bedroom and dropped a lethal dose into the hidden tipple - where it could have only one victim!
"Since I confess myself stymied by the absence of evidence, I have asked a prominent local citizen to help me with this case, a man who has resources beyond those available to the Salem Center police. Ladies and Gentlemen,
may I introduce Professor Charles Xavier? Sir, have you learned anything that might aid the investigators?"
"But of course. Mr. Helminth is the killer. He would stop at nothing to maintain his playboy ways, and was determined to marry Mrs. Cabot once she had claimed her share of her late husband's estate. He paid a lunchtime call on Mrs. Cabot on August the 29th, when he knew Mr. Cabot would be at work, and when she stepped out of the room he poisoned the vodka in the underwear drawer. He was so determined to claim the Cabot fortune that he not only killed Mr. Cabot, he had even prepared a means of blackmailing Mrs. Cabot into marriage should she prove reluctant to continue their relationship once she was free of her husband! He had ready both false evidence that would have implicated Mrs. Cabot, and proof that the evidence was false - to be turned over to the police after the wedding had taken place."
"Thank you, professor."
"Of course the court will require more proof than my word. You will need a warrant to search safety-deposit box #624 at the Mordant Merchant Bank on Wall street, wherein you will find not only a bottle of liquid arsenic with Mr. Helminth's fingerprints on it, but a falsified tape of a telephone conversation implicating Mrs. Cabot, and the receipt from the digital sound lab that concocted the incriminating tape."
"That should be enough to convict him. And now…"
"Mr. Helminth is also carrying on simultaneous affairs with three other wealthy women, as well as his male personal trainer and his sister's teenage babysitter. He has outstanding parking tickets in five states, has embezzled from his three last employers, has given false information on credit applications, and is illegally buying Viagra from the Sinclair pharmacy in downtown Salem Center – without a prescription!"
"Thank you, Professor. Mr. Helminth, if you would.."
"Mr. Helminth would of course be convicted if he stood trial, but better still to spare the taxpayers of Salem Center the considerable expense thereof. May I present my associate, Mr. Logan? I would appreciate it if you'd let him speak to Mr. Helminth for a moment."
"Couldja step into the next room, bub? It's more private."
The door closed, and opened again after only a moment.
"I confess! I poisoned Mr. Cabot! I would have done anything to maintain my self-indulgent lifestyle! The evidence is right where the Professor said it would be - here's the key to the safety deposit box!"
"Why thank you, Mr. Helminth. Are you sure you wouldn't like to speak to a lawyer before confessing?"
"Absolutely sure! I waive my right to an attorney; you are all witnesses to this confession. I killed Mr. Cabot, I am guilty and deserve to go to jail." Quavered Helminth, giving the mysterious Mr. Logan a look of sheer terror.
"Why thank you. The rest of you are cleared, and may go. Thank you for your help, Mr. Logan… Professor."
"Fear the wrath of Charles Xavier, all Ye who would attack the East coast old-money aristocracy!"
"And so the honest citizens of Salem Center may sleep soundly tonight, secure in the knowledge that they live in the safest town in the entire world!"
"An' so can the police, bub."
Author's note: There. And to think that would have taken your average Mystery writer 300 pages! Please review.
Kiddies - have you ever wondered what would happen if the X-Men were called upon to solve a traditional country-house five-suspect murder mystery? Something like this, I should think…
1 MURDER AT THE CABOT LODGE: A MUTANT MYSTERY
"I, as you all know, am Inspector Davies of the Salem Center Homicide division. You've probably guessed why I asked you here to Cabot Lodge – you are all suspected of the murder of Roosevelt Cabot III. Two weeks ago he succumbed to a dose of arsenic left in the bottle of vodka he hid in his underwear drawer, and you five are the only people who had both a motive and access to his dresser drawers. I have called you here today to bring the killer to justice!
"You, Mrs. Cabot III - or should I say the 3rd Mrs. Cabot - you knew your husband was planning to divorce you, and you would rather be a wealthy widow with half the Cabot fortune to your name than a poor divorcee abandoned by both your husband and your greedy lover! You knew your husband had proof of your affair with Mr. Helminth and you would have gotten nothing had you and your husband gone to court!
"Mr. Cyril Helminth - you have wasted your inheritance and your ambition to marry a wealthy woman rather than get a job is well known. If Mr. Cabot died before he divorced his wife - your mistress would have become the rich widow of your dreams!
"And you, Mr. Roosevelt Cabot IV, or should I say 'Cabot the lesser'? You owe the mob a fortune in gambling debts and your father had refused to give you the money. You are unqualified for any job that would pay enough to satisfy your creditors, and you knew that your only alternative to bodily harm was to claim your inheritance immediately and by any means necessary!
"Mrs. Barnes, the humble housekeeper, whose full name is Delilah Tetrazzini Barnes. Yes, Mrs. Barnes – I know of your secret grudge against Mr. Cabot! Ten years ago your sister Helen Tetrazzini killed herself after Mr. Cabot fired her for pilfering office supplies, it took you this long to worm your way into his household - where you were in a position to administer a dose of the very same poison that took your sister's life!
"Ms. Gudgeon - for fifteen years you were Mr. Cabot's faithful business manager, and by wise investments increased Mr. Cabot's inherited fortune twice fold. But when you 'borrowed' $200,000 to pay for the medical expenses of an uninsured relative, Mr. Cabot found out! Your pleas to his better nature went unheard, you could not return the money and he intended to prosecute! If you were convicted of embezzlement you would have gone to jail, and emerged to find your career as an investment counselor in ruins! You had to stop him from exposing you - and you had to act quickly and finally!
"So, ladies and gentlemen, our killer knew his or her victim very well indeed – or knew someone who did – and was clever enough to avoid leaving any physical evidence, and had entree to Cabot Lodge itself. One of you is a poisoner, and any one of you could have slipped into Mr. Cabot's bedroom and dropped a lethal dose into the hidden tipple - where it could have only one victim!
"Since I confess myself stymied by the absence of evidence, I have asked a prominent local citizen to help me with this case, a man who has resources beyond those available to the Salem Center police. Ladies and Gentlemen,
may I introduce Professor Charles Xavier? Sir, have you learned anything that might aid the investigators?"
"But of course. Mr. Helminth is the killer. He would stop at nothing to maintain his playboy ways, and was determined to marry Mrs. Cabot once she had claimed her share of her late husband's estate. He paid a lunchtime call on Mrs. Cabot on August the 29th, when he knew Mr. Cabot would be at work, and when she stepped out of the room he poisoned the vodka in the underwear drawer. He was so determined to claim the Cabot fortune that he not only killed Mr. Cabot, he had even prepared a means of blackmailing Mrs. Cabot into marriage should she prove reluctant to continue their relationship once she was free of her husband! He had ready both false evidence that would have implicated Mrs. Cabot, and proof that the evidence was false - to be turned over to the police after the wedding had taken place."
"Thank you, professor."
"Of course the court will require more proof than my word. You will need a warrant to search safety-deposit box #624 at the Mordant Merchant Bank on Wall street, wherein you will find not only a bottle of liquid arsenic with Mr. Helminth's fingerprints on it, but a falsified tape of a telephone conversation implicating Mrs. Cabot, and the receipt from the digital sound lab that concocted the incriminating tape."
"That should be enough to convict him. And now…"
"Mr. Helminth is also carrying on simultaneous affairs with three other wealthy women, as well as his male personal trainer and his sister's teenage babysitter. He has outstanding parking tickets in five states, has embezzled from his three last employers, has given false information on credit applications, and is illegally buying Viagra from the Sinclair pharmacy in downtown Salem Center – without a prescription!"
"Thank you, Professor. Mr. Helminth, if you would.."
"Mr. Helminth would of course be convicted if he stood trial, but better still to spare the taxpayers of Salem Center the considerable expense thereof. May I present my associate, Mr. Logan? I would appreciate it if you'd let him speak to Mr. Helminth for a moment."
"Couldja step into the next room, bub? It's more private."
The door closed, and opened again after only a moment.
"I confess! I poisoned Mr. Cabot! I would have done anything to maintain my self-indulgent lifestyle! The evidence is right where the Professor said it would be - here's the key to the safety deposit box!"
"Why thank you, Mr. Helminth. Are you sure you wouldn't like to speak to a lawyer before confessing?"
"Absolutely sure! I waive my right to an attorney; you are all witnesses to this confession. I killed Mr. Cabot, I am guilty and deserve to go to jail." Quavered Helminth, giving the mysterious Mr. Logan a look of sheer terror.
"Why thank you. The rest of you are cleared, and may go. Thank you for your help, Mr. Logan… Professor."
"Fear the wrath of Charles Xavier, all Ye who would attack the East coast old-money aristocracy!"
"And so the honest citizens of Salem Center may sleep soundly tonight, secure in the knowledge that they live in the safest town in the entire world!"
"An' so can the police, bub."
Author's note: There. And to think that would have taken your average Mystery writer 300 pages! Please review.