Previously... Ranma finds out that he isn't really Genma's son, and that his father was a half-
saiyajin Hokage flame master. Now what?
-----------------
Now This Is Just Plain Nuts, Chapter 2,
By
Aleh
-----------------
The morning after Kagero's revelations, things settled back into a (somewhat) normal
pattern. Genma skipped his... err... sparring session with Ranma, as he was still recovering from
a deep gash across the chest. Ranma, despite his best efforts, said something that Akane
interpreted as an insult (namely that her cooking skill left a lot to be desired) and Akane
responded by malleting him into the pond. The only really odd thing was Kagero's wide-eyed
expression at seeing Mallet-sama.
-----------------
Breakfast held another surprise for the Tendous. "Akane-chan," started Kagero.
"Yes?" she replied.
"Let me see your mallet. I need to check something."
"Sure," Akane said cheerfully, holding out a hammer about an inch long.
Kagero paled. "Tell me, Akane, where did you get this?"
"I don't know," she said with a shrug, "I just found it one day. Why?"
"You see the writing on the handle, do you not?"
"That's writing? I thought it was just a bunch of squiggles!"
Kagero sighed. "That is the ancient language of Mordor," she started.
"Huh?" Ranma asked.
"Roughly translated," Kagero said, "It means 'One mallet to smash 'em all, One mallet to
find 'em, One mallet to pound 'em all, And into roadkill make 'em.' That is the One True Mallet,
Akane."
Around the table, everyone sweatdropped. Nabiki finally broke the silence. "That is a REALLY
bad poem."
Kagero nodded. "Indeed. It is even worse in the original language. That, however, is beside
the point. We MUST destroy it!"
Akane shuddered. "No! It's MY mallet-sama!"
"Perhaps if I were to tell you of its history," Kagero replied.
"That... would be a good idea," Nabiki acknowledged.
-----------------
From the journal of Prince Ran of the Moon
Contingency File #162539
Once again, I'm seriously considering a genuinely ridiculous scenario. The One True Mallet
has been lost for generations, and the odds of Sere-chan finding the damn thing aren't very good.
Nonetheless, I'm planning for it... really, why the Hell am I writing these things?!? Oh, well,
as hobbies go, I can think of worse. Anyway, I'm getting off track. The One True Mallet... Forged
in the fires of Mount Dhoom by the wife of the Dark Lord. The legends say that into it, She poured
all of her jealousy, her anger, and her inability to learn even the most basic domestic skills.
Given that the legends only refer to her as Kawaiikunai Otemba, these must have been considerable.
Then again, if the legends are to be believed, the Dark Lord was into bestiality, as his wife was
a dog.
Well, that or I'm mistranslating them. That language sure is confusing. (Historian's Note:
He was.)
In any event, should Sere-chan find it, I plan to...
-----------------
There was much sweatdropping. "So THAT'S why she keeps acting like an uncute tomboy!"
"Ranma no baka!" *THWAM*
Kagero sighed and started to massage her temples. "Akane, that's the mallet speaking, not
you. Please... TRY to resist, would you?"
-----------------
After Ranma recovered, Akane was sent out of the room.
"So, how do we get rid of it?" Nabiki asked.
"Well," said Kagero, "It was made in the fires of Mount Dhoom. Only they can unmake it."
"Where is this... Mount Dhoom?" asked Ranma.
"Well, it's not known by that name anymore..."
"So what IS it called?" asked Nabiki.
"Fuji-san."
A massive facefault ensued.
-----------------
"What now?" Ranma asked Kagero.
"The mallet wants to return to its mistress," Kagero said, "We must find someone who can
resist its power to carry it, but..."
"But what?"
"Only females can carry it."
"Oh."
"No woman can resist its power for long."
"What about Ranma?" asked Nabiki.
"Only females can touch it without great pain, Nabiki," Kagero said, "Ranma is NOT female."
"Oh?" asked Nabiki, throwing a bucket of water at him, "What about now?"
Kagero's jaw dropped. "W... what? What happened to..."
"Jusenkyo," Ranma said by way of explanation.
"GENMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" Kagero cried out, showing a massive aura.
-----------------
"Don't worry about Kagero," Kasumi said, bandaging the burnt, bruised, hairless panda with a
deep chest wound and several missing patches of skin, "She's really quite nice, just a bit
sadistic."
-----------------
At the Gates of Time, Sailor Pluto paled. "Pankeiki," she whispered, watching the latest
youma/cardian/daimon/phage/monster-of-the-week that the Inner Senshi were fighting.
The pankeiki were only a legend even in the Silver Millenium. They were what became of the
spouses of those who were unlucky enough to find the One True Mallet, doomed to spend eternity
as mere shells of their former selves. One would almost say 'two-dimensional copies' if it wasn't
for the God-awful pun.
As Pluto watched, Mars danced out of the way of a stray blow. While she avoided getting
hurt, her skirt wasn't as lucky. It was cut neatly, causing the Senshi's eyes to widen. "Moon! Its
arms are razor-sharp!" she yelled in warning.
"Gyaa!" yelled Sailor Moon, tripping and barely dodging another blow.
"Get it now, Sailor Moon!" yelled Tuxedo Kamen, after pinning it to the ground with a rose.
Unfortunately, Moon's attack didn't even seem to faze it. Within moments, it had freed itself, and
was on the attack again.
-----------------
A.N.: To those who hate Akane, I don't. Live with it. Yes, I'm going to be poking fun at Akane-
bashers. I am ALSO going to be poking fun at Akane-lovers, so don't feel left out. I've noticed
that people's opinions on her are largely dependant on whether they read the manga before seeing
the anime or vice-versa. The anime shows a version of Akane whose flaws are greatly exaggerated,
and uses them to great comedic effect. In other words, they're both violent tomboys, but the Anime
version takes it to an extreme, whereas the manga version is much more calm. In fact, I can't
think of a single instance post-Nodoka's arrival where THAT Akane hits Ranma. Given that my
exposure to Ranma has been mainly through the manga (with a few episodes of the anime added in),
THAT is the Akane who I portray. Besides, I like the manga much more than what I've seen of the
anime. For the record, I've seen somewhere around twenty anime episodes, and read the ENTIRE
manga. Yes, all of it. All 38 volumes.
A.N.2: I was planning to make this chapter quite a bit longer, but I think that I'll end it here.
I'll put the stuff I was planning for the rest of this on in Chapter 3. By the way, if you want a
good laugh (and to understand a joke) look up 'pankeiki' in a Japanese-English dictionary. Then
think about the legend behind them: the spouses of the wielders of the One True Mallet wind up as
pankeiki. Also, Japanese words don't have singular or plural forms. One pankeiki, two pankeiki.
You get the idea.
saiyajin Hokage flame master. Now what?
-----------------
Now This Is Just Plain Nuts, Chapter 2,
By
Aleh
-----------------
The morning after Kagero's revelations, things settled back into a (somewhat) normal
pattern. Genma skipped his... err... sparring session with Ranma, as he was still recovering from
a deep gash across the chest. Ranma, despite his best efforts, said something that Akane
interpreted as an insult (namely that her cooking skill left a lot to be desired) and Akane
responded by malleting him into the pond. The only really odd thing was Kagero's wide-eyed
expression at seeing Mallet-sama.
-----------------
Breakfast held another surprise for the Tendous. "Akane-chan," started Kagero.
"Yes?" she replied.
"Let me see your mallet. I need to check something."
"Sure," Akane said cheerfully, holding out a hammer about an inch long.
Kagero paled. "Tell me, Akane, where did you get this?"
"I don't know," she said with a shrug, "I just found it one day. Why?"
"You see the writing on the handle, do you not?"
"That's writing? I thought it was just a bunch of squiggles!"
Kagero sighed. "That is the ancient language of Mordor," she started.
"Huh?" Ranma asked.
"Roughly translated," Kagero said, "It means 'One mallet to smash 'em all, One mallet to
find 'em, One mallet to pound 'em all, And into roadkill make 'em.' That is the One True Mallet,
Akane."
Around the table, everyone sweatdropped. Nabiki finally broke the silence. "That is a REALLY
bad poem."
Kagero nodded. "Indeed. It is even worse in the original language. That, however, is beside
the point. We MUST destroy it!"
Akane shuddered. "No! It's MY mallet-sama!"
"Perhaps if I were to tell you of its history," Kagero replied.
"That... would be a good idea," Nabiki acknowledged.
-----------------
From the journal of Prince Ran of the Moon
Contingency File #162539
Once again, I'm seriously considering a genuinely ridiculous scenario. The One True Mallet
has been lost for generations, and the odds of Sere-chan finding the damn thing aren't very good.
Nonetheless, I'm planning for it... really, why the Hell am I writing these things?!? Oh, well,
as hobbies go, I can think of worse. Anyway, I'm getting off track. The One True Mallet... Forged
in the fires of Mount Dhoom by the wife of the Dark Lord. The legends say that into it, She poured
all of her jealousy, her anger, and her inability to learn even the most basic domestic skills.
Given that the legends only refer to her as Kawaiikunai Otemba, these must have been considerable.
Then again, if the legends are to be believed, the Dark Lord was into bestiality, as his wife was
a dog.
Well, that or I'm mistranslating them. That language sure is confusing. (Historian's Note:
He was.)
In any event, should Sere-chan find it, I plan to...
-----------------
There was much sweatdropping. "So THAT'S why she keeps acting like an uncute tomboy!"
"Ranma no baka!" *THWAM*
Kagero sighed and started to massage her temples. "Akane, that's the mallet speaking, not
you. Please... TRY to resist, would you?"
-----------------
After Ranma recovered, Akane was sent out of the room.
"So, how do we get rid of it?" Nabiki asked.
"Well," said Kagero, "It was made in the fires of Mount Dhoom. Only they can unmake it."
"Where is this... Mount Dhoom?" asked Ranma.
"Well, it's not known by that name anymore..."
"So what IS it called?" asked Nabiki.
"Fuji-san."
A massive facefault ensued.
-----------------
"What now?" Ranma asked Kagero.
"The mallet wants to return to its mistress," Kagero said, "We must find someone who can
resist its power to carry it, but..."
"But what?"
"Only females can carry it."
"Oh."
"No woman can resist its power for long."
"What about Ranma?" asked Nabiki.
"Only females can touch it without great pain, Nabiki," Kagero said, "Ranma is NOT female."
"Oh?" asked Nabiki, throwing a bucket of water at him, "What about now?"
Kagero's jaw dropped. "W... what? What happened to..."
"Jusenkyo," Ranma said by way of explanation.
"GENMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" Kagero cried out, showing a massive aura.
-----------------
"Don't worry about Kagero," Kasumi said, bandaging the burnt, bruised, hairless panda with a
deep chest wound and several missing patches of skin, "She's really quite nice, just a bit
sadistic."
-----------------
At the Gates of Time, Sailor Pluto paled. "Pankeiki," she whispered, watching the latest
youma/cardian/daimon/phage/monster-of-the-week that the Inner Senshi were fighting.
The pankeiki were only a legend even in the Silver Millenium. They were what became of the
spouses of those who were unlucky enough to find the One True Mallet, doomed to spend eternity
as mere shells of their former selves. One would almost say 'two-dimensional copies' if it wasn't
for the God-awful pun.
As Pluto watched, Mars danced out of the way of a stray blow. While she avoided getting
hurt, her skirt wasn't as lucky. It was cut neatly, causing the Senshi's eyes to widen. "Moon! Its
arms are razor-sharp!" she yelled in warning.
"Gyaa!" yelled Sailor Moon, tripping and barely dodging another blow.
"Get it now, Sailor Moon!" yelled Tuxedo Kamen, after pinning it to the ground with a rose.
Unfortunately, Moon's attack didn't even seem to faze it. Within moments, it had freed itself, and
was on the attack again.
-----------------
A.N.: To those who hate Akane, I don't. Live with it. Yes, I'm going to be poking fun at Akane-
bashers. I am ALSO going to be poking fun at Akane-lovers, so don't feel left out. I've noticed
that people's opinions on her are largely dependant on whether they read the manga before seeing
the anime or vice-versa. The anime shows a version of Akane whose flaws are greatly exaggerated,
and uses them to great comedic effect. In other words, they're both violent tomboys, but the Anime
version takes it to an extreme, whereas the manga version is much more calm. In fact, I can't
think of a single instance post-Nodoka's arrival where THAT Akane hits Ranma. Given that my
exposure to Ranma has been mainly through the manga (with a few episodes of the anime added in),
THAT is the Akane who I portray. Besides, I like the manga much more than what I've seen of the
anime. For the record, I've seen somewhere around twenty anime episodes, and read the ENTIRE
manga. Yes, all of it. All 38 volumes.
A.N.2: I was planning to make this chapter quite a bit longer, but I think that I'll end it here.
I'll put the stuff I was planning for the rest of this on in Chapter 3. By the way, if you want a
good laugh (and to understand a joke) look up 'pankeiki' in a Japanese-English dictionary. Then
think about the legend behind them: the spouses of the wielders of the One True Mallet wind up as
pankeiki. Also, Japanese words don't have singular or plural forms. One pankeiki, two pankeiki.
You get the idea.