"Going Home"
By: Adrienne
Summary: Susan's thoughts before returning to Chicago.
Author's Notes: Yeah, yeah, I know I should've written this like last summer but I'm plainly a very lazy person. This is probably not the only chapter, but if it's so God-awful that it's painful to read, please tell me!
Spoilers: Season eight.
I'm going home. I've waited for so long to say those words. I'm going home and this time it's not to an empty apartment, but home home, to the place of my birth, to the city I grew up in and loved so dearly all those years ago: Chicago. I'm going back to the wind and the rain, the blizzards and baseball games. To the lake and the parks. To the hospital I once worked at and the life I once knew.
I loved that life. The twenty-four hour shifts, getting no sleep, shitty cafeteria food and the endless cups of coffee from Doc Magoo's. I miss the camaraderie of the ER; the pranks, jokes, betting pools. Randi's weird clothes, Jerry's sweetness, Carol's friendship. Hell, even Kerry Weaver's dictatorship. And as much as I hated them back then, I yearn now for the crazy patients and the frequent fliers who would come in drunk or beat up from one fight or another. The ER was a little world all in itself with various heroes and demons, even princesses to be saved. When I left Chicago, I left everything I had ever known, had ever loved. "Then why did you leave?" one might ask. And I would reply, "Because I had to. Because I was suffering. Because the love I had for that little girl meant more to me than everything else put together."
Baby Susie was my life. Before she came, I thought I was doing all right, had everything put together. But she changed all that. Susie made me realize that everything I had done before, even becoming a doctor was trivial, unimportant because I had done it with an empty heart, without emotion. She filled my life with love, pure, innocent love that I did nothing to deserve. I never realized you could love someone so much and yet still have more to give. Everything that had mattered to me before became pointless when I realized that I would be raising that little girl.
And then Chloe came back and took everything away. My world fell apart. It's five years later now, and the bitterness has faded, but a part of me still wishes that my sister had never come back. I know it's a good thing that she finally grew up and took responsibility but for all those months I just got so used to thinking that I was Susie's mother, and to have someone take that away was…devastating. I didn't know what to do, so after Susie, Joe and Chloe moved to Arizona, I followed them, so I could still be a part of my baby's life.
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Arizona was…hot. And dull. And impersonal. The five years I spent there were lived for a family that wasn't mine. I was there to make sure Chloe didn't screw up again, and to make sure that Joe would be a good father to Susie. I probably could have been assured within a year, but I just couldn't bear the thought of not seeing that baby everyday. So I stayed, and worked at more than a few strict, no-nonsense hospitals and clinics, and went through a series of nice but overall dull bunch of boyfriends. After five years, I decided to start living for myself again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have many regrets in leaving Chicago. I'm afraid I may have lost my one chance at true love. Mark Greene. He was my best friend for so many years, always there for me no matter what he was going through. He's married now, and has a baby daughter. He's moved on. He's probably forgotten about everything that happened that day at Union Station, but I can't seem to get the memory of it out of my head.
I got a call from Mark last year, right after Christmas. We hadn't spoken or written in a long time; it had just become too difficult. I was surprised that he called, and then he told me. He had a brain tumor. He was having surgery on New Year's Eve and just wanted me to know in case me didn't make it through the operation. He seemed so calm, so resolved to the fact that death was imminent. I suppose, in part, that's why I decided to come back. To see him again, and to be there before the end.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm on the train now and my heart aches in anticipation. I'm going back the same way I left, and Mark will be there at Union Station when I arrive. I wonder if he'll be the same. I wonder if we'll be the same. Five years is a long estrangement, and a lot of things can happen. I wonder what his wife is like. He hasn't told me much about her except that her name is Elizabeth, she's British and she's a surgeon. She's probably beautiful and funny, and smarter than I ever was or will be. I want to be happy for them, but right now, I can't help but feel cheated on again. I know that sounds awful, but the heart heals slowly, and no matter now much time passes, a little bit of pain remains.
I step off the train and there he is, waiting for me. I smile and wave, making my way towards him. He looks so much older, but then again, so must I. We embrace and for a few moments it feels like I never left. But then he lets go and I'm back in reality again. His eyes are different. There's a sadness to them now. He has even less hair than I remember and the scar is visible on his scalp. There is so little we need to say, yet so much needs to be said eventually. This should be a happy reunion, but there's a layer of bittersweet nostalgia around it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Everything's different. I mean, I knew five years changes things, but some of it's so unexpected that I'm overwhelmed. It's my fault, though. I should have kept in touch. Wow. Doug and Carol are now married with twin girls in Seattle. There's a saga for the history books. Peter is a father. Carter is different, so changed from the gentle medical student I once knew. His demeanor is darker now, and I learn that's because of a stabbing and drug addiction. Kerry Weaver's still a bitch, but evidently now a lesbian. And Mark. Married, a baby daughter, and a death warrant. I feel as if this family I was so close to has grown up and forgotten me. But that too is my fault. I never called, I never wrote, I never made any attempt to contact them, because I never thought I'd be coming back.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's quite late at night now, and Mark and I are walking by the lake, arm in arm, just like old times. I've missed him so much. We don't have to talk, words couldn't express what we feel. As much as this is a reunion, this is also a goodbye and we both know it. I wish I could go back in time and change what happened. I wish I would have gotten off that train, and stayed, found out if we would've worked out. We could have. Everything was there, but one thing was in the way: me, and my messed up life. I push the thought aside. There have been too many "What ifs?" in my life, and I want to move on from the regrets.
I've missed this so much. The city lights glimmering against a dark black sky with the stars twinkling overhead. The brisk air that stings your nostrils and lungs, and the feel of the city, so alive and welcoming. There's nothing else in the world like it. The ache in my chest is slowly fading; this is the cure I've been searching for. My heart is filled with love again and I smile while wiping a few tears away. I've come home.