Disclaimer: Angel and all related characters are the property of Mutant Enemy Productions, Inc., Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises and Twentieth Century-Fox Television. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fiction is for entertainment purposes only and no money has changed hands. The story and all original characters are the sole property of the author and may not be used or archived without permission.
Author's Note: I know, I know...I've been keeping you in suspense too long. Don't worry. The show's nearly over.
Cordy!
by Darrin Colbourne
Scene Four:
It's crowded in front of the bathroom near Cordy's office. Cordy and Hinton's agent Morris are pacing anxiously back and forth in front of the door. Tucker is crouched down, trying to free up the lock. Sarah is braced against the wall to the left of the door, her right leg wrapped around her left and her face a study in desperate agony.
Everyone's attention is drawn to Nigel when he approaches from the direction of the office. Cordy and Morris stop pacing as the intern draws close to talk to Cordy. "I just got off the phone with Building Maintenance. They say it'll be another half-hour before they can get someone here to look at the lock."
"A half-hour??" Sarah cries.
"What's the hold-up?" Cordy says.
"The bunnies from the Magic Box scenes in 'Tabula Rasa' got loose. They broke out of our lot and are all over Soundstage 36. All our guys are over there rounding them up."
"Wait a second," Tucker says as he stands up, "Soundstage 36? Isn't that where George Lucas is doing some of the interior shots for his new movie?"
"That's the place." Nigel says. "Jedi Masters Yoda and Mace Windu are now facing the dreaded Darth Cottontail and his army of Sith Rabbits!"
Cordy puts her head in her hand and groans. Tucker covers his mouth as he starts to laugh. Sarah rolls her eyes in exasperation.
"There's no way I'll be able to hold it for another half-hour!!" She says. "What am I gonna do?"
Cordy turns on Sarah with an exasperated look of her own. "Y'know, I don't know why you're torturing yourself like this." She says. "There's a perfectly good bathroom around the bend and down the hall!"
"That's a public bathroom, Cordy!" Sarah whines. "I can't use a public bathroom! Every time I do I get hounded by my adoring public! I always spend more time signing autographs than I do peeing! It's always 'Sign this, Buffy' or 'Sign that, Buffy' and there I am getting Writer's Cramp and jiggling around like a ten-year-old kid after an All-You-Can-Drink Slurpee promotion! It's like a personal appearance staged by the Farelly Brothers!"
Cordy only just restrains herself from putting her hands around Sarah's throat. She takes a deep breath. "Fine!" She says. "Tucker, would you please escort 'Betsy Wetsy' here to the bathroom down the hall and make sure she's not accosted by the mind-numbed robots we call our 'viewing audience'?"
Tucker sighs and walks over to Sarah. "Sure. Come on, Sarah. I'll get you in okay."
Sarah winces. "I don't think I could make it walking." She then gets a "puppy dog" look on her face. "Carry Me?"
Tucker frowns, looks at Cordy and says "If she doesn't make it, you're covering my dry cleaning expenses for the next month." Cordy agrees with a wave of her arm as Tucker scoops Sarah up in his arms and dashes down the hall.
Morris goes over to the door and knocks. "How are you doing in there, Hinton?" He calls through the door.
"Oh, just fine." Hinton calls back. "Did you know they have 'Buffy-The Vampire Slayer' toilet paper in here? It's amazing! You'd think it would be Mutant Enemy's competitors wiping themselves with the company's most profitable franchise."
Morris looks over at Cordy. "Y'know, he's got a point." He says.
Cordy bows her head a little. "It was my idea." She says quietly. "It was the first season, I was full of silly ideas...I'd just met Sarah..."
"Hey," Nigel says, "how long has he been in there?"
"About ten minutes." Cordy says.
"Hope he's not in there too long." Nigel says. "I was locked in a closet in my house once and that was no fun."
"How'd you end up locked in a closet?" Morris says.
"That's just what the police asked me when they came to let me out." Nigel says. "My mom gave them some B-S story about me and a couple'a joints and a small...well, medium...lawn fire...but it's really cause they were abusive!"
"Don't encourage him." Cordy says to Morris.
"What?" Nigel says. "I'm just saying! He might be in there for a long time! You gotta think about some things."
"Like what?" Cordy says.
"Like...well...what if he has to go to the bathroom?"
Cordy and Morris stare at the intern as if he were from Venus. "Nigel," Cordy says, "RENT an attention span, okay??! Better yet, go help the maintenance guys round up the Bunny Brigade so they can get here faster!"
Nigel rushes off to do Cordy's bidding as Cordy turns to the door. "Hinton, I'm sooo sorry this happened! Listen, anything you need me to do to make it up to you, you just ask!"
"Look, Cordy," Hinton says, "all will be forgiven if you can get me out of here in the next ten minutes! I've got an important meeting to get to!"
"He's right." Morris says. "We've got some investors and a big producer lined up to put on his one man show, but we've got to finalize some things today or we'll have to enter a new round of negotiations."
"Well...if they're interested now I'm sure working out a new deal won't take too long." Cordy says.
"No, but the only other chance they'll have to talk is right about the time Hinton will have to start filming here. I'm afraid he wouldn't be able to do your show."
Cordy gasps and her eyes bug out wide. "Hinton, stand back!! I'm breaking it down!!" She yells at the door.
"Are you nuts?!" Morris says. "That door's oak!"
"Yeah?" Cordy says. "Well, I just had a vision! It involved my career going up in flames! No way is that coming true without a fight!" With that, Cordy gives a primal scream and charges shoulder first at the door.
Scene cuts...
Scene Five:
Cordy's arm is being put into a sling by the company nurse while a Maintenance Guy works on the door. Morris, Martin and Nigel are standing around watching with Cordy.
"Got it!" The Maintenance Guy says. He pulls out the broken key and pockets it, then stands up. "Try it now, Mr. Battle!"
The door opens from the other side, and Hinton Battle walks out unscathed. Everyone gives a little cheer as Hinton shakes hands with the Maintenance Guy. Cordy offers him her good hand.
"Thanks so much for coming so quick." Cordy says with a smile.
"My pleasure." Maintenance Guy says. "I'll have a new key for you this afternoon. Want me to leave this open?"
"Just for right now. Everyone has a key but me, and I might want to pee, or hurl or drown myself or something. Whatever it takes to wash this day away."
Everyone chuckles at that, and the Maintenance Guy leaves.
"That was good timing." Morris says. "Hinton, if we burn a little rubber we can probably make it to that meeting."
"We'll get moving soon." Hinton says, then offers Cordy his hand. "Cordy, it's been a real experience." They both chuckle at that. "I think your boyfriend was right, though. You ought have someone check those visions of yours for defects."
"I'll be sure to do that." Cordy says. With that, Morris and Hinton say goodbye to the others and leave.
"Martin, Nigel," Cordy says, "nice job getting the maintenance guy here so quick."
"Well, it was easy when we promised him that Special Project Bonus." Martin says.
"There's no such thing as a Special Project Bonus." Cordy says.
"And it's your job to either explain that to him or find a way to get him one." Martin says.
"We...kinda told him you'd push it through." Nigel says.
Cordy just shakes her head in exasperation. "Fine, fine, I'll handle it." She says. With that Martin and Nigel leave and Cordy goes into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
A few seconds later Sarah and Tucker return to the area of the bathroom door. Sarah has a smile on her face and a spring in her step. "Thanks again for taking me, Tucker. I feel so much better. Aren't you glad you got to go, too?"
"Yes, I am," Tucker says, "and I appreciate you asking me to help you gauge the amount of gloss you have on while I was going."
"I value your opinion." Sarah says, matter-of-factly, then looks around. "Where'd everybody go?"
Tucker looks around as well, then checks the lock. "The lock looks fine. They must have gotten Hinton Battle out."
"Of course," Sarah says, "for him they rush. Say...Tucker, let me have your key!"
"Excuse me?!!" Tucker says. "I don't think so!"
"C'mon, Tucker. Cordy's probably in the office. I don't want her to think I'm a total spaz. I just want to open the door the right way and show her I can do it. Come on...pretty please?"
Tucker thinks about it a moment. "I know I'm gonna regret this." He says as he turns it over.
"Thank you!" Sarah says, beaming. She rushes to the door and puts the key in the lock. Her arm moves as she turns the key...then suddenly freezes.
"Uh, Tucker," she says, "promise you won't be mad?"
"Sarah...!" Tucker says in a menacing tone.
Sarah says nothing else as she brings up the head of the key. The rest, naturally, is stuck in the lock. Tucker slaps his forehead with the heel of his hand. "Twice in one day??!!!" He bellows.
Sarah tries to calm him down. "It's okay! It's okay! Um...w-we'll just find the guy who got the other one out and get this fixed before anybody finds out. I mean, it's not like somebody's stuck in there anymore, right?"
Both of them freeze as the sound of someone trying to open the door from the inside hits them. They stare at each other as the person tries several times, then knocks on the door.
"Hello!" The person calls out. Sarah and Tucker slowly turn their heads toward the door when they realize it's Cordy. "Is somebody out there?" She calls as she tries to open the door again. "I think this door is jammed again! Hello!! What's happening out there?"
Cordy is pounding on the door when Tucker puts his head in his hand and Sarah sneaks away on her tiptoes.
"Is anybody out there?!!" Cordy calls as she pounds. "Martin?...Tucker!...Maintenance Guy?...SAAARRRAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"
Scene Fades, Cut to Commercial