"Spock," Kirk began. "Back at Genesis...McCoy tells me that you watched me die." Spock looked a bit uncomfortable at that statement, clearly not liking where this was going. "I can't remember anything in between entering the nebula and waking up in Sickbay a few hours ago. And Doctor McCoy and I have a theory we'd like to test..." He sat down on his couch. "I need to know what happened, Spock. Could you mind meld with me?"
Spock shuddered a little. "Forgive me if I am hesitant to remember your death," he said carefully. "It is...unpleasant."
"Please, Spock. I need to know, first-hand."
Spock sighed. "All right, Jim. But if you find the experience too painful, I will break contact."
Kirk nodded as Spock sat down in front of him and placed his fingers on the katra points of Kirk's face. McCoy watched with a critical eye as the two initiated the mind-meld.
*****
I ran down the corridors of the Enterprise, hoping beyond all logic that Jim still lived. Turbulent human emotions such as fear and grief boiled in me like the Vulcan sun. I dodged crewmen and turned corners, finally skidding to a stop in the center of Engineering. What I saw shocked me down to the very core of my being.
The radiation chamber at the far end of the room was ringed by astonished engineers, and I could see Doctor McCoy and Mr. Scott among them. Both were next to the transparent aluminum, talking to someone on the other side. Their voices carried above all the rest, frantic and full of remorse.
I shoved the engineers aside, and when they saw who I was they moved aside. Doctor McCoy and Mr. Scott did not turn to meet me; they already knew I would be there. I did not look at them, I could only see the crumpled form of my best friend.
Jim was badly burned from the radiation, and only by looking closely through my grief did I see that he still lived. He was slumped against the transparent aluminum, almost sitting up. He did not move, showed no sign of life past shallow, ragged breathing.
"Jim," I said, dropping to my knees on the other side of the wall. I could feel tears choking my voice. "Jim."
Against all logic, he stirred. His unfocused eyes wandered, and finally came to rest on me. "Spock..." he wheezed, and the pain in his voice nearly made me burst into tears. "The ship...out of danger?"
"Yes Admiral," I said, trying to sound in control of myself. "Khan is no more. He will not harm you again."
"Of course not,"Jim replied, his voice weak with agony. "Just another...Kobayashi Maru."
Doctor McCoy said something, but neither I nor Jim heard him clearly. My mind was racing, trying to find a way to preserve my friend's katra in time. He closed his eyes and coughed, a painful spasm wracking his body. It alarmed me, and I felt fear. For a first time, I let myself let go of my tears.
"Jim...please, don't die."
He struggled to look at me, and haltingly brought a hand up on the glass. In his final moments, he was saluting me in the Vulcan way of honor. "Live long and prosper, Spock.." he said, weakening almost to the point of death.
I moved my hand to his, forming a partial link as I tried to quickly take his katra into myself. "And you, Admiral. May you have a safe journey," I said, trying to keep him talking while I absorbed his essence. I had only a small portion already...
Jim's eyes slid shut and he went limp, slowly sliding down to rest on the floor. I lost contact and cried out in denial. "NO!"
He was lost forever.
*****
Kirk and Spock jerked away from each other, breaking the mind meld. Both were gasping for breath and frightened out of their wits.
McCoy bolted over the couch where they sat. "Are you two okay?"
"I..I think so," Kirk said rather shakily. He dragged a trembling hand across his forehead. "I can see why you didn't want to remember that, Spock. It was...horrible."
"That's an understatement, Jim," Spock agreed. "And what you saw was only a small amount. What followed was just as horrible."
"Basically, Spock had to carry you out of there with his bare hands," McCoy said. "He refused to let anyone else do it, and he was in so bad of a shock that we had to repeat questions several times before he realized he was being spoken to and should respond. The entire ship was in denial for days afterward."
"As I recall, doctor, you locked yourself in your quarters and refused to speak to anyone," Spock said, obviously more emotionally stable now. "And it was only when you emerged on the bridge and made a rather illogical and loud statement that anyone had seen you since the incident."
Kirk managed a smile. "Why Bones, I didn't know you cared so much."
McCoy pointed an accusing finger at him. "Now don't you go doing another one of those on me again, Jim! You died so badly you even made Spock cry and we both know that takes a lot of work! You planned all that, didn't you?"
Kirk's smile disappeared. "No, Bones. I can remember it all for myself now." He put his face in his hands. "I just didn't want Spock to die."
Both Spock and McCoy started at that statement, and stared at the admiral in disbelief. "Jim..." McCoy said. "Why did you think Spock would die if you didn't do that?"
"I'm not sure," Kirk said without looking up. "I just had the feeling that if he went down in that radiation chamber, he was going to die. And somehow, I knew that many more deaths would follow." He shuddered. "Including David's."
"So you decided that if you died instead of me, David and the others would live?" Spock inquired, intrigued. At Kirk's nod, he raised an eyebrow. "Fascinating."
Kirk glanced up at Spock, exhausted beyond words. "Is that all you have to say? Do you really find it so fascinating?"
"It will require further study, to be sure," Spock said.
Kirm leaned back against his couch and closed his eyes. "I'd like to be alone for a while," he said. "If anything important happens, let me know. But only if the situation requires my immediate attention."
McCoy could tell that Jim was not-so-subtly telling them to go away. "Sure, Jim. But if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask."
Kirk didn't look at either of his friends. "I want to go home," he said quietly, so low that Spock could barely hear it. Tears threatened to flow, and he blinked them back and turned his head so McCoy and Spock wouldn't see.
Admiral Kirk was homesick.
McCoy nudged Spock not-so-gently in the shoulder and nodded his head towards the door. "Let's go," he whispered, and the Vulcan nodded his agreement.
~~~~~~
Once the two were safely outside Kirk's quarters, McCoy turned to Spock. "I really hope he gets some sleep," the doctor said. "He sounded almost like he was going to cry in there, towards the end of the conversation. This whole Genesis thing is tearing him apart, and he hasn't fully recovered from his ordeal yet."
"Indeed," Spock agreed as they began to walk toward the bridge. "I am merely content that his katra is intact once again, and back in his own mind." He paused to gather his thoughts. "If I did not know better, and the emotional content of his being were ignored, Jim would seem almost Vulcan. He certainly has the intelligence of one, if not the strength and stamina. But even Vulcans long for home, especially after spending so long in space."
"You're saying that Jim's homesick?" McCoy questioned. "That's probably true. He hasn't been home for almost twenty years. He's told me more than once that he wants to visit his family some time. Hopefully when we get back, Starfleet will allow shore leave. He definately needs it."