CHAPTER 28

RAMZA BEOULVE'S DAY OFF

"Grrrgh..." Ramza groaned as he sat up. A hand pushed him back down onto the bed he was on.

"Hey, take it easy, boss. You got pounded pretty bad."

"(I know that voice...)" Ramza said, opening his eyes. He was both surprised and glad to see Rad standing over him. "...Rad?..." Ramza said. "What... what're you doing here?..."

"Let's just say the chain gang wasn't doing much for me," Rad chuckled. "We found you guys in the Colosseum, and you were all pretty beat up. Alicia, Lavian and I got you to the nearest inn. We've been casting cures on you for a while now."

"I'm glad you're all right," Ramza said as he sat up. "How's everyone else? How's Rafa?"

"Fortunately, you were in the worst shape," Rad explained. "Everyone else is doing fine."

"Good..." Ramza said as he got back on his feet. He took a few moments to regain his balance, and then he walked out of the room with Rad. He walked into the lobby of the inn, where he was greeted by all his friends.

"Ramza, you're OK!" Alma cheered.

"I knew he'd be all right," Mustadio chuckled.

"Did anyone see what happened?" Ramza asked.

"All I know is that Delita didn't get the stones," Cinna said. "And you ought to thank Rad and the girls. They got rid of another Mechannite for you."

"Thanks, guys," Agrias said to her trusty apprentices.

"Our pleasure, Captain Agrias!" Alicia and Lavian said at the same time.

"So what do we do now?" Rafa asked.

"According to Rad and the others, we're all still pretty beat up," Malak said. "Perhaps we should take a day off."

"Taking a break doesn't sound half bad," Cloud said.

"All right, we'll take a day off," Ramza said. "Cinna are there any attractions around here?"

"Lemme see," Cinna said. "Oh, yeah. First, there's the Goddess Springs, where you can soak and rest for as long as you need (for a nominal fee). Then there's the Colosseum, where you can watch gladiators and bullfights. Also, today they're having a swimsuit competition around 3:00. Then, finally, there's the nightly feasts in the village square."

"It sounds as if we have quite a selection of activities," Orlandu said.

"Still," Meliadoul cautioned. "We don't know the city very well. We should stay in a group."

"You have a point," Beowulf said. "C'mon, let's all go watch the gladiators!"

"But I want to take a bath..." Reis argued.

"We'll flip on it," Cinna said, pulling out a Gil. He flicked it up in the air. "Call it!" he said.

"Heads!" Reis called.

The coin fell down into Cinna's palm. "...Tails. Sorry, Reis," Cinna said.

"We can take a bath later," Malak said. "Let's go see some bloodletting!"

"When you put it that way, it's not very appealing..." Alma muttered.

"Wow, what a great Colosseum!" Mustadio exclaimed as he looked around the gigantic structure. "...I mean, when we aren't being attacked inside of it."

"Shut up," Agrias said. "I want to watch."

The group sat back and watched as lions bit a bunch of prisoners, and then the prisoners started biting the lions.

"What? What's with that?!" Cloud asked.

"I guess letting the prisoners bite the lions is the only way to make things fair in the ring," Meliadoul said.

"Oh, come on!" Beowulf yelled. "Let's see some BLOOD!"

"Gum! Candy! Stuffed gopher!" the snack vendor yelled as he walked past the group's seats.

"Stuffed gopher?" Rafa asked. "Hey, I'll try one of those."

"Who came up with these kind of snacks?" Agrias muttered as she reluctantly licked at her fried cheese curds.

"Don't complain," Alex said as he leaned down in-between Agrias and Mustadio from his seat. "At least you're not at the pod races. All they sell there are Bantha testicles."

"Alex, you know you're not supposed to talk to strangers!" Luna said crossly as she pulled him back into his seat.

"And now, it's time for... BATTLEBOTS!!!" the announcer yelled. A batch of robots were dropped onto the field and they began to attack each other.

"What? This isn't any good," Beowulf muttered. "They're machines! Where's the gore?!"

One of the robots smashed into another, and shrapnel spewed over the battlefield. Worker No.8 let out a bloodcurdling shriek and started crying on Beowulf's shoulder. Beowulf rolled his eyes.

"How's the gopher, Rafa?" Ramza asked.

"Ah do declare, this here gopher's a-makin' me slur mah vocaboolarry," Rafa slurred in a thick southern hick accent.

"Hoo boy," Alma sighed.

"Hey, looks like they're bringing out a real monster!" Meliadoul exclaimed as a Behemoth was let into the ring. It began to gore all the remaining robots and the gladiators that came out to fight it.

"Oh, this is awful!" Reis cried.

"How could they let that thing in here on purpose?!" Malak yelled.

"Hey, did you lock the entrance?" one guard asked the other outside the Colosseum's gate.

"...I thought you did," the other guard said.

"...Oh, well," the guards said and went back to smoking their cigarettes.

"That thing's gonna pulverize everyone!" Meliadoul yelled. "Somebody do something!"

"I have an idea," Beowulf said, grabbing Alma and waving her red-dress-covered body at the monster. "Hey, buddy! Toro! Toro!"

"Beowulf!!!" Alma yelled in protest.

"Not now, Alma, I'm busy!" Beowulf muttered. The Behemoth saw the red and started charging towards the stands where the group sat.

"Beowulf, how did you know that Behemoths hate red?" Rafa asked.

"They don't," Beowulf explained. "Cuars hate red, and Behemoths hate being mistaken for Cuars, so that's why he's charging."

"Quitwiththeexplainingandgetmeouttahere!!!" Alma yelled, prying herself from Beowulf's grasp and landing crossly back in her seat.

"Fine," Beowulf sniffed. "Time to calm him down by waving a blue shirt." He turned and grabbed Agrias and dangled her over the side.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOT?!" Agrias yelled angrily.

The Behemoth just kept coming.

"...Or does green calm a Behemoth down?" Beowulf asked aloud. "Or was it maize? Darn it, I always forget this part..."

The beast slammed into the pillar below the stands, which caused a mini-earthquake that knocked Agrias into the ring. The beast reared up on his hind legs and gave Agrias a mighty whack with the flick of its tail. Agrias sailed out of the arena and crashed into the security tower. The startled guards began throwing mace bombs out of the windows. Everyone started screaming and falling over, trying to claw their eyes out.

"Why did the guards have mace anyway?!" Malak screamed as he tore at his head.

"Usually they just use it to rig fights!" Cinna yelped as he rolled around in the stands. "EYYYAAAAHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!!"

"How are you doing, Ramza?" Alma asked Ramza (whose eyes were covered in a huge bandage) as they left the Colosseum.

"I can't complain," Ramza muttered. He motioned to the big sign on the wall that said NO COMPLAINING.

"Gee, where'd we get that gag?" Reis asked.

"Man, that rock wall was hard," Agrias groaned.

"Yeah, we kind of get that impression, considering you're 2D now," Cloud said.

"Ahhh, I can fix that," Meliadoul said. "Now don't get any ideas!"

Meliadoul grabbed Agrias by the neck and blew into her mouth. After a loud FWOOMP and other strange noises that can't be described in words, Agrias was back to her usual three-dimensional self.

"Well, I'm glad that's settled," Orlandu said. Then he looked around. "Hey, where's Malak?"

"He was here a minute ago," Alma noted. "Where did he go?"

"Ummm, I think that's him over there," Reis said, pointing at where a large group of people had gathered.

"What's happening?!" Rafa asked. The party ran through the crowd until they reached the center. Malak was lying on his side, and about six white, fuzzy critters with dingleboppers on their heads were smacking him with unopened beer bottles.

"Ow! OW! Hey, watch where you're aiming! OWWW!!!" Malak yelped.

"Hey, those are moogles!" Ramza exclaimed.

"Marinated moogles, ya mean," Cinna corrected. "They're blind drunk."

"C'mon, guysh!" one of the moogles was yelling. "Thish pinnyata'sh gotta crack sssshhhhumtime! KCCCHHHHUUUPO!!!"

"Yeaaaahhh!!!" the other moogles yelled (or belched) and went on whacking Malak.

"Somebody call the authorities!" Rafa cried. "Help! Drunk-but-cute animals think my brother's a piñata!"

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a troop of green-haired, blue-robed little pink guys walked in and started hitting the moogles with clubs. The moogles collapsed to the ground, giggling insanely and belching and vomiting and whatever else drunk people do when they've been beaten down.

"Who're they?" Meliadoul asked.

"The Lemming Cops," Cinna explained. "Fello City's finest."

The Lemming Cops dragged the knocked-out critters away. "Sorry 'bout the trouble, folks," the leader said as he followed his troops.

"Yep, they're super brave and super smart!" Cinna said.

"...But don't lemmings like jumping off cliffs?" Ramza asked.

Everyone looked up. The Lemming Cops and their prisoners had all fallen off the cliff on the far side of town.

"Oh, well," Mustadio said, shrugging. "Hey, let's go bathe!"

"Ahhh, this is great!" Agrias sighed contentedly as she sank into the warm jacuzzi at the Goddess Springs.

"Nothing like a hot bath to knock the dirt out of your pores," Alicia agreed.

"Yeah..." Lavian sighed, leaning back and closing her eyes.

"I'm just glad these springs have dividing lines," Meliadoul muttered. "I wouldn't want any of the guys seeing me... "

"Yeah, I can see why," Reis chuckled. "You're gonna be a virgin for a loooong time."

"SHUT UP!" Meliadoul yelled angrily.

"Oooh, the bubbles tickle my feet..." Rafa giggled.

"...This place shouldn't have bubbles," Agrias said as she sat up. "The sign outside specifically said 'NO BUBBLES.'"

"But what makes bubbles in water if none of us have our faces under it and there's no machine?" Reis asked. Suddenly, everyone's eyes got wide and they all started screaming. They leaped out of the water and started pointing at each other.

"It was YOU, wasn't it?!" Meliadoul yelled at Alicia and Lavian.

"Not us, Meliadoul! Right?" Lavian objected.

"Right! I thought it was Reis," Alicia said.

"Well, I thought it was Agrias," Reis grumbled.

"I thought it was Alma," Agrias growled.

"Me? What about Rafa? I bet it was her!" Alma shouted.

"I thought it was a machine! Seriously!" Rafa protested.

"(This is so much fun,)" the Invisible Man thought to himself as he sat back and enjoyed the spring and the sight of nude women yelling at each other. "(Still, I wish I hadn't had those refried beans for lunch... Urrgh.)"

"They sure are making a lot of noise over there," Mustadio remarked.

"Ahh, forget about 'em and enjoy the water," Cloud said as he sat back and looked up at the ceiling.

"I haven't felt this relaxed in ages!" Orlandu sighed as his aged form took in the wonderful feeling of the water.

"This is what Fello City's famous for," Cinna said. "This joint rocks!"

"It is pleasing," Worker No.8 said as he sat in the water.

"Wait a minute," Malak said. "What're you doing here?!"

"Aren't you going to rust?" Ramza asked.

"Relax," Mustadio said, waving his hand and flicking water in a few directions. "I coated him with a protective sealant that prevents rusting."

"How about his motor shocking the water?" Rad asked. "Didja think of that?"

"Well, ummm..." Mustadio started to say. Suddenly, everyone had 10,000 volts running through them.

"AAAAHHHHHH!!!!" the boys yelled as they were launched out of the water.

"Worker No.8, get outta here!" Beowulf yelled angrily.

"All right," Worker No.8 said as he stood up and walked out of the room, zapping some of them on his way out.

"Whoo... Now we can relax again," Orlandu said as he sank back into the water.

The rest of the guys slid back in and gave a group sigh.

"This water's real nice," Malak said. "Nice and warm."

"Yeah, and what's cool is how it's totally blue, without the help of any unnatural dyes or anything," Ramza said.

Suddenly, the blue water turned green. "...Now what makes blue water turn green?" Rad asked aloud.

Nobody answered, but Mustadio's face went bright red.

Suddenly, Ramza's ears perked up. On the other side, Rafa's ears perked up as well. "Did you hear something?" they both asked simultaneously.

"No..." Cinna said slowly.

"What was it?" Alma asked.

"Sounded kind of like two wet, heavy things hitting a wood floor," Ramza said.

"Sounded like two octopus in a deathmatch," Rafa said.

"We didn't hear anything," Orlandu said.

"We didn't hear anything," Agrias said.

"Well, I'll go check it out," Ramza and Rafa said at the same time. They got up and walked towards the sound, each unaware of the other's presence.

They walked into the locker rooms (keep in mind that they didn't have time to put any clothes on) and listened again. The sound was closer now. Finally, they reached the co-ed shower room, where the two locker rooms merged. They looked down and gasped. Taichi Kamiya and Sora Takenouchi were sprawled out on the wet floor, totally bare and making love.

"Oh, geez," Ramza hissed, reeling backwards.

"Ewwww!!!" Rafa yelled.

"Ummm... We're still trying to DNA-Digivolve!" Tai said quickly, and went back to feeling around in Sora's mouth with his tongue.

"You were trying to do that in MY sequel, too," Zidane grumbled.

"It takes lots of practice!" Sora argued.

"Just a reminder, folks," Zidane said, facing the reader. "Don't forget to read Final Fantasy 9.5! I have a jingle about it to perform to you on my harmonica, here-"

"Hey, get outta here," Ramza yelled. "You guys are disgusting!"

"At least it isn't Sora and Yamato Ishida," Rafa sighed. "Bleecccchhh!!!"

Zidane's tail went between his legs and he waddled out.

That's when Ramza and Rafa realized that they weren't alone. "...Rafa, that's you, right?" Ramza asked, his cheeks flaring up in a strong blush, but his eyes not moving from Tai and Sora (even though he desperately wanted to take his eyes off the gruesome spectacle).

"Yeah..." Rafa said, doing the same.

"...I'm just going to walk backwards until we reach the dividing wall again, and we won't mention this to the others, OK?"

"A-all right," Rafa gasped, starting to walk backwards and closing her eyes. After thirty seconds, they were back in their respective springs.

"What was it?" Cloud asked.

"What did you see, Rafa?" Meliadoul asked.

"It was just the janitor," Rafa and Ramza said at the same time.

"That was refreshing," Beowulf said as the group walked out of the springs.

"I could have sat in there all day," Alma sighed.

"Hey, look at this!" Reis said as she looked at a bulletin board near the spring. "'Starting at 3:00, it's the Fello City annual ladies' swimsuit competition! The sexiest siren wins a grand prize of 6,000 Gil!'"

"That sounds neat," Alicia said.

"Better than most propositions, anyway," Lavian agreed.

"Echh," Agrias huffed, sticking her tongue out. "Swimsuit competitions are vile and they make women look like mindless sex toys."

"Gee," Mustadio said, an impish grin appearing on his face. "Sounds like you're afraid to compete... Maybe you're afraid you'll lose."

"WHAT?!" Agrias roared, turning on the engineer. "Why you little!- I could beat those bimbos blindfolded! Just you watch!" Agrias grabbed an application from the bulletin board and started filling it in.

"(Gets 'em every time,)" Mustadio whispered to Ramza. He chuckled lightly.

"That sounds like fun," Rafa said. "Let's both enter, Agrias."

"Why don't you sign up, Mel?" Cinna asked.

"You lousy pervert," Meliadoul growled. "I'd never humiliate myself by going up and exposing my body to perfect strangers! Besides..." she licked her finger and held it up. "...It's too windy. I'll catch cold."

So Rafa and Agrias entered the swimsuit competition. The rest of the group sat in the stands at the local ampitheater and watched.

"Welcome to the 2nd Annual Fello City Swimsuit Competition!" the announcer said. "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from other competitions such as the Ms. Useless Pageant and the Ms. Useless Christmas Pageant."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Malak said, waving his hand. "Everyone's been somewhere else before."

The competition started, and several pretty girls walked out on stage and strutted their stuff. There was a lot of applause and whistling (all from the men). The judges silently sat in front, scribbling down notes on certain contestants.

"All right, folks," the announcer said. "Now for contestant 37. She's a bodyguard from Ivalice with a strong sense of justice and even stronger abs. Say hello to Agrias!"

Agrias stepped out onto the stage and cheers rocked the stadium. "Goodness," Ramza said, his face getting red. "With all the armor she wears, you'd never think..."

"She's so... So..." Cloud said, making gestures with his hands and trying to find an appropriate word.

"Are those real?!" Mustadio asked. "...Wow!"

Agrias wore a sparkling, sapphire-blue one-piece swimsuit that glittered in the afternoon light, looked like it was made of a very soft and shiny material and would make even the most chaste man consider impurity. She had a wry smile on her face, and she remained cool and confident-looking until the judges had finished recording. She walked off the stage and started grumbling. "I'm never doing that again," she growled as she passed Rafa. Rafa just chuckled.

"Okay now, folks," the announcer said. "Contestant 38 is a member of the elite assassin group Ryomoku, also from Ivalice. She really can make a point with her strong rod and Heaven Skill attacks... Say hello to Rafa!"

Rafa walked out on stage, and folks began to cheer and whistle as strongly as when Agrias had been out on stage. She wore a two-piece, ruby-red swimsuit that seemed to be made from the same stuff as Agrias's had been.

"Man, she sure is cute," Rad remarked.

"She's great to have around," Beowulf said. "I mean, she's not only cheerful, but look at that!..."

Reis elbowed Beowulf.

Ramza just smiled at her. She found him in the crowd and smiled back. Then she walked off stage.

After the other contestants had gone, the judges went up and whispered their decision to the announcer. "All right, friends," the announcer said. "Our judges have announced a first-place and a second-place winner! And the first place winner is..."

"Arrrgh!" Agrias growled as she kicked a rock down the street. "I go out there and expose myself and for what?!"

"It's all right, Agrias," Alma said, patting the knight on the shoulder. "Second place is good!"

In her hands Agrias crossly grasped a silver cup with a large #2 and her name engraved on it.

"Really, I thought you were the best up there," Cloud said. "Honestly. You reminded me of one of my friends."

"It's OK, Agrias," Rafa said. "We did our best, and you got a very high ranking. Good job!"

"Oh, you should talk," Agrias grumbled at Rafa, who held a golden trophy that was engraved with a large #1 and her name. Rafa giggled embarrassedly.

"No hard feelings, right?" Rafa asked.

"Nahhh," Agrias said, waving her hand. "I'm just glad I beat that Brittany Lance or whatever her name was."

"Enough talk," Mustadio said. "Let's go eat!"

The huge feast that night took up a whole city block. There were literally several cubic feet of food, all fit for consumption. People ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.

That's when they went to the vomitorium to make room for more food.

"Oh, no. Don't tell me you're actually going to do this scene," the network censor said apprehensively. "...At least be courteous."

"Mmm-mmm! That was great, wasn't it, Rafa?" Malak asked his sister.

"Yeah," Rafa said. "I'm so hungry I could throw up twice!"

"Good idea!" Malak said. They leaned over the troughs and puked.

"Breath mints! Get your breath mints!" a vendor yelled as he walked through the facilities.

"So, did you see the dress that Reis was wearing?" Meliadoul asked Alma.

"BLAAAAGGGHHHH!!!" Alma yelled as she ralphed into her trough.

Meliadoul scratched her head. "Gee, you thought it was that bad?"

"No," Alma said, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. "The ham's that good! I'm goin' back for thirds!"

"This is getting a little out of hand," the network censor said. "We can't allow this kind of lowbrow humor." Suddenly, she heard the sound of about 20 people vomiting at once and she grabbed her stomach. "...Excuse me," she said, running from her desk. "BLAAAARRRRRGHHH!!!"

"Err, Ramza..." Rad said as he walked up and whispered something in Ramza's ear.

"No, Rad," Ramza said. "This is the vomitorium. The bathroom's next door."

"Ah. I see," Rad said. "BLAAAAAAUUUUUCCCCHHHHH!!!"

"Euch. Watch the sandals next time, would you, kid?" Ramza grumbled. "I'm not wearing socks."

"You ate a lot, huh?" a vendor inside the vomitorium asked Orlandu.

"Ohh, I'm stuffed," Orlandu answered, clutching his belly.

"Then try this!" the vendor said, pulling out a feather. "Specially crafted for just such an occasion! Just a touch and a little wiggle, and the food goes down and up and back down again oh so much easier!"

"I'll take two," Orlandu said, pulling out his wallet.

"One..." Alicia said.

"Two..." Lavian said.

"THREE!!!" they yelled at the same time. They both grabbed huge wads of fruit and stuffed them down their throats, and then ran into the vomitorium.

"One..." Lavian said.

"Two..." Alicia said.

"THREE!!!" they yelled at the same time. "BLLEEEEAAAAAAACHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"All right, that's enough!" the censor yelled as she stomped into the vomitorium. "This has gone too far! I'm shutting the sketch down right now!" She stomped her foot on the floor and it began to slide around in something. "Woooooaaaaaahhhh!!!" she yelled as she slid across the room and crashed into a trough. She fell on her rear end and looked up at everyone.

"...Need a breath mint?" a vendor asked.

"BLUUURRRRRRRBBBBBB!!!" the censor responded.

"Woah, dude," Cinna said. "I didn't know there was roast pork tonight!"

"Ahh, that was refreshing," Alma sighed as she flopped back on her luxury bed. Thanks to the money Rafa had won in the swimsuit competition, the whole party had been able to afford a room with the right number of beds at the local inn. "I'm gonna sleep for days!"

"Don't get too lazy," Ramza said as he peeled off his sandals (he had bought them at the beginning of the day). "We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. We have to find the last Mechannite and the temple."

"Good night, guys," Reis said as she shut her eyes. "I'm bushed."

Everyone said their good nights and turned in. In about five minutes, everyone was asleep.

Around 1:00 in the morning, Mustadio was awakened by a sweet melody. He sat up in bed and listened. No one else was awake, so he thought he might have been dreaming. Just then, he noticed that the usual sound of Agrias's snoring was absent. He turned to his left and noticed that Agrias's bed was empty. That's when he heard the melody again.

"(...That sounds like a harp...)" he thought. He put on some slippers and left the room.

"(I remember seeing one down in the lobby of the inn,)" he thought to himself as he silently crept down the stairs towards the entrance. He heard the tune again. No doubt about it; it was the sweet, gentle melody of a harp.

Mustadio walked into the lobby and looked around. A single light was on, near the back. There, sitting on a bench, dressed in her white, cotton nightgown and playing the harp was Agrias. Her fingers slid across the instrument like it was a part of her, and the most beautiful music emanated from its chords.

Mustadio couldn't move. He just stood there, watching the bodyguard play her soulful melodies. Finally, she took notice of him and stopped playing. "Oh..." she said. "Did I wake you up, Mustadio?"

"If you did, it was a nice wake-up call," Mustadio said. "I didn't know you played the harp."

"It's my favorite pastime," Agrias said. "I joined Ovelia's bodyguards and I needed something to pass the time; I've played the harp ever since. Ovelia always said I played well, too..."

"I think you play wonderfully," Mustadio said.

"Thank you, But that's beside the point," Agrias said, looking at him with a face of raw anger. "How DARE you come down and bother me when I'm in my nightgown! HYAAAAHHHH!!!"

"Wha?!" Mustadio gulped as Agrias grabbed him by the shoulders and body-slammed him into the wall. She held him in place there, her teeth gnashing and her eyes narrowing.

"Well, it's just that-" Mustadio started to say. If the attack had surprised him, what came next was three times as much of a shock. Agrias lurched forward and massaged his left cheek with her tongue.

"...Heh?!" Mustadio gulped as he turned red. Agrias didn't stop there. Still keeping him in a tight grip, she pressed her face to his in a passionate lip locking that lasted for a good twelve seconds. While he was in this predicament, Mustadio noticed that Agrias carried a faint scent of raspberries. Finally, Agrias broke both the kiss and the hold, and Mustadio went crashing to the floor.

"What was that for?!" Mustadio asked, standing up and looking at her.

Agrias's half-glare turned into a teary smile. "You're the best pal I've ever had, Mustadio," Agrias said. "You've always been there to support me or trade barbs, and you're almost as stubborn and anal as me. That's why... I... I...I l...l...lo..."

Mustadio's surprised look melted into a compassionate smile. He caressed her cheek with his hand. "You don't need to say any more, Agrias," he said. "I feel the same way."

"Aww, Musty..." Agrias said, throwing her arms around his neck and squeezing happily. "This is the happiest day of my life..."

"(GURK) Agrias, you're choking me! (GRAAGH!!!)" Mustadio gurgled.

"Oh, shut up, you big baby," Agrias retorted as she smiled happily and squeezed even harder.