Chapter Nine

They had been in the village for a week, only a week, when things went sour.  They were all in Jander's room, Korrieana asleep on his bed, having a pow-wow.  They were trying to decide how long to stay in the village when the door opened.  It wasn't like all the other times, the door did not burst open and people did not pour into the room.  The door was opened quietly, in a normal fashion, and only three men entered the room.

Jander immediately noticed the wooden sticks - stakes - at their belts, and a feeling of dread welled in his throat.

"May I help you gentlemen?" he asked calmly, suppressing those feelings of dread and resigning himself to what was to come.

"Umm, yes," one of them said.  "We've had some concerned citizens coming to us with some, ah, concerns.  They're worried that you're, umm, not exactly human… elven."

"Oh?" Eckerd raised an eyebrow.  "And what exactly do you think he is?"

The three men looked decidedly uncomfortable.  They were the village elder and his two bodyguards.  "Well, umm, some people are worried that you may be a, umm, vampire.  We're very sorry if this accusation is misplaced."

Pa'das frowned.  She and Eckerd were taking this matter out of Jander's hands.  He would have been out of there a while ago if they hadn't kept talking.

"And what evidence do you have?" Pa'das asked the men.

"Well, some people claim that yesterday, in the snow, he was walking without leaving footprints.  Nobody's ever seen him eat or drink anything, even though he spends a lot of time at the bar…"  He drifted off.

"Look," Jander said, standing up and spreading his hands in a gesture of peace, "I have no wish to harm anyone.  If you'll just give me time to gather my things, I'll leave."

Pa'das and Eckerd broke in then, speaking in perfect unison, "Give us time to gather our things."  They both glared at Jander, telling him in no uncertain terms that under no circumstances would they abandon him.

Jander did not expect the men to listen to his reassurances, expected to be attacked at any minute.  So, he was surprised when the spokesman said, "Fair enough."  He noted Jander's surprised look and explained, including all three in his explanation.  "You brought us news from the outside world and brought good business.  I know that you sold your carvings for far less than they were worth.  None of you have raised any sort of weapon against our village, and have even broken up some fights.  Each of you," he said, meeting each of their eyes, including Jander's, "seems like good people.  Just because people are being people and let fear blind their eyes does not mean I can't grant you safe passage out of here."

"Thank you," Jander said.  "I really appreciate this."

"It's the least I can do."  Everyone could see that the man looked (and felt) extremely guilty.  He left the room quickly, as if he couldn't handle being in there anymore.


*  *  *  *  *

They were on the road again.  Jander was just waiting for dusk to fall so they would have to make camp.  He had to wait until then to go off and be alone for a while.  He dearly needed to be alone; he felt awful.  Pa'das and Eckerd kept trying to cheer him up, but he pretty much tuned them out.  As they were walking out of the village, the streets were deserted.  He could feel all of their eyes on him, however, peering out from behind drawn curtains.  It was almost worse than being chased out.

Eckerd finally found a good campsite.  Jander helped them set up mechanically, going through the motions with no feeling and a wooden face.

Pa'das watched him worriedly.  When he started to walk away, she stopped him.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

Jander stopped and turned, shoring emotion on his face for the first time since they left - infinite sadness.  "I need to be alone for a while, okay?  I need…I just need to be alone."  He turned and left quickly, not wanting to hear what she - or Eckerd - had to say.

Pa'das watched him go, and then turned to Eckerd.  "I'm giving him half and hour - until sunset - to feel sorry for himself, and then I'm going after him.  What about you?"

"He'll listen to you more than me."

"Are you still going on with that shit about him loving me?"

"Yes."

"You're nuts.  But at least you can watch Korrieana."

"Fair deal."


*  *  *  *  *

Jander sat by a small stream with a pile of rocks next to him.  He picked one up and chucked it into the stream.  Soorefina came ands at next to him.  He really didn't want company now, and told her so.  She licked the side of her face with her rough tongue and left, respecting his need for privacy.  He was lost in the depths of black depression.

Jander heard the soft pad of Pa'das' feet coming up behind him.  He softly groaned - he didn't want to see anyone right now, nor did he want to have anyone see him like this.

"What part of 'I want to be alone' don't you understand?" he asked viciously, without turning around.

"The 'alone' part," Pa'das answered glibly, plopping down next to him.

"Will you go away?!" he said harshly, turning on her.

"So you will strike me?" she said calmly in the face of his misdirected anger.  Jander did not scare her, could never scare her.

He turned away and buried his face in his hands.  "Will you please go away," his muffled voice came drifting back to her.

"No," she said quietly, then louder, "I gave you half an hour to feel sorry for yourself.  Wasn't that enough?"

"Please Pa'das," Jander whispered in a strangled voice just loud enough for her to hear.  "Leave me alone."

"No such luck," Pa'das told him.  "One of the downfalls - and benefits - of having friends is that they won't leave you alone when you feel like shit."  She squeezed his shoulders in a one-armed hug.

Jander ripped away from her.  He stood up and grabbed up a handful of stones.  He walked a few feet away and stood with his back to her, facing the stream.  He hurled pebble after pebble, hoping he would hear her leave, knowing he wouldn't.

Pa'das watched Jander.  He was tense, the muscles in his shoulders tightened up, just like the rest of his body.  He was taught, like a pulled bowstring.  He was holding in all of his feelings and rage because she was there.

Pa'das came up behind him.  She put a gentle hand on his shoulder.  Jander stiffened at her touch.  She pressed his shoulder gently, telling him without a doubt that she wanted him to turn around.  She could not have physically turned him - there was deceptive strength in his lithe frame.  Jander considered, for a moment, ignoring her, maybe walking away, but knew that was hopeless.  Pa'das could be more relentless than Eckerd.  He finally turned around, dashing away a tear that had started to slip down his face.

Pa'das 'made' him sit down, sitting down next to him.  "Don't let the idiots in there get to you."  She gave him the one-armed hug again, this time leaving her arm there and rubbing his arm.

Jander shook his head, hunching forward.  "I could have gotten the three of you killed,
 he said, turning his head to face her, a haunted look on his face, "just because I was being careless.  If that had turned ugly, one of you might have ended up dead, your lifeblood spilling out onto the floor.  Too many people have been hurt because of me.  I couldn't….  If one of you…."  He buried his face in his hands again.

Pa'das knew this was just the foremost problem, the rotten skin covering an even rottener apple.  The problem was deeper than that, most likely just the pain of the centuries piling up.  Still, she would do her best to assuage his quilt about that issue.

She squeezed his shoulders again.  "That won't happen.  Eckerd is a mage.  He can take care of himself perfectly well.  I can fight better than most.  If I had to, I could probably even beat you.  Between the three of us, we can protect each other and Korrieana.  You need never fear one of us dying because of you."

"But what if-"

Pa'das silenced him with a finger to his lips.  "If you lived your life constantly in fear of 'what if's, then you would spend your life in bed.  What if you slipped getting out and cracked your head on the bedpost?  See?"  Pa'das could feel that Jander was still tense.  His muscles were all bunched up and clenched together, like a knotted rope.  With one hand, she began to massage the muscles at the base of his neck.  "Relax.  Let it all out.  Tell me what's really bothering you?  That was just the surface."

Jander shook his head, tears beginning to roll down his face.  They were the damning tears of blood, the only sort he could weep.  Pa'das pulled him in close, hugging him with both arms.  He resisted for a moment, but then was crying on her shoulder like a child.  She rubbed his back, comforting him as best she could.

In the back of his mind, Jander felt mortified that he was doing this.  He was so used to showing no emotion that this left him highly embarrassed and appalled.  He brought himself under control as fast as he could and pulled away.

"Sorry," he muttered to Pa'das, turning away and wiping his face.

She came up behind him.  "The first duty of a true friend is to provide a shoulder to cry on."

"Thanks," he said, flashing his sweet smile back over his shoulder.  It quickly faded from his face, and he turned around again.  "Everywhere, no matter where I go, that's what I get.  Usually worse.  You know, it starts to get to you after a while."  He shook his head.

Pa'das put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

"It hurts a little more each time."  Jander stared blankly ahead at nothing.  Pa'das would have given anything to have that bleak look replaced by the one that was usually on his face, a look of happiness.

"When was the last time you had a good cry?" she asked him.

"About five seconds ago," Jander said, attempting humor and failing miserably.

"Seriously."  Jander shrugged.  He actually couldn't remember the last time he had cried.  "Trust me, it helps.  A lot."  Jander shrugged again, not really believing her, not really disbelieving her.  "Listen.  I'll go back to camp so you're all alone and don't have to feel embarrassed, okay?  Cry your eyes out, scream, throw things; it will all make you feel better.  Then come back and talk to your friends.  Deal?"

Jander nodded.  It sounded good to him.  Pa'das gently kissed his cheek and ruffled his hair.  Then she went on her way, true to her word.  Jander touched the place where she had kissed him, as if he could hold the feeling there longer.  Then he went back to throwing rocks and wallowing in his misery.  Soon, the tears were streaming down his face again.


*  *  *  *  *

At dawn, Jander was still not back.  Pa'das woke up to watch the sunrise as she always did, fully expecting to watch it alone this time.  She did not hear the elven vampire's soft tread coming up behind her, did not notice him until he sat down beside her.  She cast a quick glance at his face.  He looked so much better, like the Jander she knew so well.  Pa'das now knew that there was another side to Jander, one beyond the stoic front her showed the world, the outside layer that didn't care what the world thought of him.  Underneath that was the Jander that cared most horribly about what everyone else thought, the part of him that craved acceptance based on who he was, not what.

"Thanks," he said to her.  "That did help."

"See?  I told you it would.  Your problem is that you keep all of your feelings bottled up inside."

"Yes," Jander sighed, "but that's just me."

He smiled down at her, and she could still see a lingering trace of sadness in his beautiful silver eyes.  Pa'das found that it was actually nice, in a perverse way, to have someone like Jander to take care of.  It was different than taking care of Korrieana.  She couldn't explain why, it just was.  It gave her a happy feeling inside.  She liked helping him feel better, and being his shoulder to cry on.

"It's an unusually beautiful sunrise, is it not?" Jander asked her, bringing her out of her reverie.

"Yes, it is."  All the colors of the rainbow, in pastels, were reflected in the clouds.  The velvety midnight blue of the night sky was slowly softening to the lighter blue of the dawn.

Sitting there, watching the sunrise with Pa'das, Jander reflected on their friendship.  Eckerd was right - it was a strange relationship.  They were more than friends, but less than lovers.  What did that make them?  Whatever they were, she was kind of like a twin sister, older sister, best friend, and more all rolled into one.  It was similar to his relationship with Eckerd, but different, deeper in a way.

It was not a friendship he would give up for any reason.