I stood in front of the mirror staring at my reflection. I was about
to crack, Haruka-san had been 'living' with us for a week. Man she is
strange. Not evenYaten is half as picky as she is, the only thing she
will eat is salad.. and healthy food. I made burgers a few days ago
and she wouldn't eat them. Also she won't stop.... flirting.. I flirt
with people.. I instigate the flirting I make them blush and feel all
awkward, not the other way around. I hope she gets her memory back
soon, she's not acting right. Tenou Haruka-san is supposed to be
mean, grumpy, cold as ice, always serious. Now she's the exact
opposite.. she's like a child that hasn't been burned by the world.
She's is so happy it scares me. She's also incredibly smart and
logical. It's as if she has selective amnesia. When talking to Taiki
she brings up little details of books and movies easily, details even
*Taiki* may have overlooked. We are going away on tour soon and to
tell the truth I kind of want her to stay with us. She isn't as bad
as I thought she would be. She still is as competitive and proud as
hell but it seems to no longer bother me. I wish I could lose my
memory and block out all the bad things of my life. All the trouble
with Galaxia, my home in complete ruins. My princess gone. At home
they say the starlights are saviours.. I feel like
a traitor. I left my planet in a time of crisis. No one on Kinmokusei
understands me. It is all politics. Even Kakyuu-hime doesn't
understand me as well as she should. Haruka-san doesn't have to deal
with all of the shit that happens in life.. she seems so innocent, so
pure, and I am so
dirty. I closed my eyes resting my forehead against the cool surface
of the mirror. I felt tears burning in my eyes but I knew I wouldn't
cry, I'm the strong warrior, Sailor Star Fighter. Inside I feel so
weak, so alone, so out of reach to the rest of the world. They all
think I'm confidant, they all think I'm pure ego, acting just to
please myself. In truth I act to please them, to make myself seem
better, in truth I'm a despicable person. I want someone to make me
better, I want someone who can wipe my past from my mind, I want
someone who can be strong for me. I want anyone who wants me, the
real me, the me no one sees, the me on the inside, the me that is
weak and pitiful. They don't want me; they want an idol. I stared
into my eyes, seeing the tears run down
my cheeks. They want a boy. They don't want me, no one wants me. I am
a girl, I'm weak. I washed my face with cold water, wiping the traces
of my inner self.
*******
The coldness won't stop. The fear won't stop. I can't think. I can't
feel. I remember hurt. I remember pain. I remember sorrow. I remember
being tainted, remember being dirty. I sat staring out through the
window, sitting on a window ledge. I feel echoes from the past that I
can't make out. I remember the feelings but I don't remember the
actions. Why won't the cold leave my body, why won't the fear end,
why do I feel I'm drowning. The pain in my body won't leave. I had
the craving to run. I ran. I hurt. My body won't do what I ask. I'm
weak. The realisation dawned on me. I'm weak. I pretend to be strong,
even to myself but I'm not. I'm weak. I was betrayed because I am
weak. It's was my fault. I'm weak. I took the easy way out. I'm weak.
I can't do this anymore. I want it to be over. No one understands.
The psychic pain I feel, the physical pain, the emotional emptiness.
I try to forget, I try to act normal. I try to be what they want me
to be. I can't. I'm weak. Everyone hates me.I don't want them to hate
me. Seiya-chan is the only one I trust. She doesn't want me to
change. She doesn't try to make me remember what I was. What I was
ended. I was a coward. I tried to end it. Now I want to end it again.
I'm still weak. Everyone still hates me. I felt the panic rise within
me. No one wants me, No one loves me. They would be happy if I was
gone. I want to run away, forever. They don't want to take care of
me, I don't want them to have to take care of me. I, Tenou Haruka
should be able to take of myself. Why can't I? I can hear Seiya
turning the knob. I will the pain to subside within my tormented
mind. I can see the knife on the desk. I should make their lives
easier and be gone. I can't. I'm weak.
******
I got out of the bathroom, there was no evidence of my tears. I saw Haruka-san on the window sill, She turned to me, a gentle smile on her face, I smiled back, she seems so happy. I wish I was so happy.
to crack, Haruka-san had been 'living' with us for a week. Man she is
strange. Not evenYaten is half as picky as she is, the only thing she
will eat is salad.. and healthy food. I made burgers a few days ago
and she wouldn't eat them. Also she won't stop.... flirting.. I flirt
with people.. I instigate the flirting I make them blush and feel all
awkward, not the other way around. I hope she gets her memory back
soon, she's not acting right. Tenou Haruka-san is supposed to be
mean, grumpy, cold as ice, always serious. Now she's the exact
opposite.. she's like a child that hasn't been burned by the world.
She's is so happy it scares me. She's also incredibly smart and
logical. It's as if she has selective amnesia. When talking to Taiki
she brings up little details of books and movies easily, details even
*Taiki* may have overlooked. We are going away on tour soon and to
tell the truth I kind of want her to stay with us. She isn't as bad
as I thought she would be. She still is as competitive and proud as
hell but it seems to no longer bother me. I wish I could lose my
memory and block out all the bad things of my life. All the trouble
with Galaxia, my home in complete ruins. My princess gone. At home
they say the starlights are saviours.. I feel like
a traitor. I left my planet in a time of crisis. No one on Kinmokusei
understands me. It is all politics. Even Kakyuu-hime doesn't
understand me as well as she should. Haruka-san doesn't have to deal
with all of the shit that happens in life.. she seems so innocent, so
pure, and I am so
dirty. I closed my eyes resting my forehead against the cool surface
of the mirror. I felt tears burning in my eyes but I knew I wouldn't
cry, I'm the strong warrior, Sailor Star Fighter. Inside I feel so
weak, so alone, so out of reach to the rest of the world. They all
think I'm confidant, they all think I'm pure ego, acting just to
please myself. In truth I act to please them, to make myself seem
better, in truth I'm a despicable person. I want someone to make me
better, I want someone who can wipe my past from my mind, I want
someone who can be strong for me. I want anyone who wants me, the
real me, the me no one sees, the me on the inside, the me that is
weak and pitiful. They don't want me; they want an idol. I stared
into my eyes, seeing the tears run down
my cheeks. They want a boy. They don't want me, no one wants me. I am
a girl, I'm weak. I washed my face with cold water, wiping the traces
of my inner self.
*******
The coldness won't stop. The fear won't stop. I can't think. I can't
feel. I remember hurt. I remember pain. I remember sorrow. I remember
being tainted, remember being dirty. I sat staring out through the
window, sitting on a window ledge. I feel echoes from the past that I
can't make out. I remember the feelings but I don't remember the
actions. Why won't the cold leave my body, why won't the fear end,
why do I feel I'm drowning. The pain in my body won't leave. I had
the craving to run. I ran. I hurt. My body won't do what I ask. I'm
weak. The realisation dawned on me. I'm weak. I pretend to be strong,
even to myself but I'm not. I'm weak. I was betrayed because I am
weak. It's was my fault. I'm weak. I took the easy way out. I'm weak.
I can't do this anymore. I want it to be over. No one understands.
The psychic pain I feel, the physical pain, the emotional emptiness.
I try to forget, I try to act normal. I try to be what they want me
to be. I can't. I'm weak. Everyone hates me.I don't want them to hate
me. Seiya-chan is the only one I trust. She doesn't want me to
change. She doesn't try to make me remember what I was. What I was
ended. I was a coward. I tried to end it. Now I want to end it again.
I'm still weak. Everyone still hates me. I felt the panic rise within
me. No one wants me, No one loves me. They would be happy if I was
gone. I want to run away, forever. They don't want to take care of
me, I don't want them to have to take care of me. I, Tenou Haruka
should be able to take of myself. Why can't I? I can hear Seiya
turning the knob. I will the pain to subside within my tormented
mind. I can see the knife on the desk. I should make their lives
easier and be gone. I can't. I'm weak.
******
I got out of the bathroom, there was no evidence of my tears. I saw Haruka-san on the window sill, She turned to me, a gentle smile on her face, I smiled back, she seems so happy. I wish I was so happy.