IX

Roger

"We Really Are…"

I look down, smiling happily at the girl curled up in my arms. It's amazing, but things have actually been going pretty well for us lately. We haven't fought in two weeks. Two weeks. That's forever for Mimi and I. Maybe we've finally settled into the normal couple-dom or something… I never would have thought I'd aspire to be normal, but this feels so good. Didn't realize how much I missed being happy. I bend down and lightly kiss her forehead as Mimi sits up and blinks blearily. "You okay?" I ask softly, gently running my fingers through her hair.

"Yeah, I'm fine…" She smiles softly and leans up, lightly kissing my mouth. "I was just tired for a little… I was out late last night." I frown and growl a little as she says that, feeling my blood start to boil. What is she trying to get at? "Rog…?"

"Out late? Doing what exactly?" I pull my arms back from around her and cross them over my chest, raising an eyebrow. I know I'm too jealous, but it's not like she gives me any reason to trust her.

"Working! Damnit, Roger, I was working, I had the late shift." I see the fire raising in her dark brown eyes as she pulls abruptly away from me, standing up and planting herself in front of the couch, her hands resting on her hips. "What the hell would you think I'd be doing?"

"Goddamnit, I don't know… getting drugs somewhere… fucking some guy… I don't know, Mimi! You don't tell me things!" I lean back against the couch and glare up at her. Since when is she on the defensive? God, I didn't want to fight today, it's just so hard… my temper gets the best of me so often.

"I would never cheat on you, Roger!" She's not going to cry, is she? I would not be able to deal with making her cry, that's not right. We're supposed to… but she's not supposed to cry. She's not supposed to cry because I made her cry, what kind of boyfriend makes her cry? "And I wouldn't… God, Roger, I went through withdrawl for you! It was the hardest thing I ever… do you have any idea… I did it because I love you… Roger, I wouldn't… Not to you!"

"I'm sure if you ask Benny, he'll say the exactly same thing." I didn't mean to say it. It really didn't, it just slipped out. I'm cursing myself, when I suddenly realize that Mimi's eyes have filled with tears and she's desperately trying to hold them back. I'm trying to figure out what I did to her and when our perfect two weeks broke down, when suddenly I feel a stinging pain across my cheek. She slapped me.

"Asshole! Fuck, you can't even react when I hit you… it's just all about you, isn't it? I don't even matter… just the idea of me! You have to have me to yourself but you don't give a damn about me! Or how I feel… Goddamnit, Roger, how am I supposed to feel when you can't even fucking trust me?" She's crying now. Real crying, her tears are just flowing down her cheeks and her mascara is all over the place and her eyes are red… How could I have done that? You really don't think, do you, Roger? I really hurt her… how could I not have realized what I do? I hurt her so bad and I don't even realize… I could break her if I wanted to. But I don't. I just want her here, with me. And whole, she can't break, I need her here I need her to be okay I can't have done that.

"Mimi…" I reach my arms out towards her and she just reaches out and slaps me again.

"Don't touch me! Asshole, you can't just… you didn't even react! You don't care!" She sobs loudly and starts unsteadily making her way towards the door. She's leaving? She can't leave… I can't have made her leave. I can't be without her… leaving is my job. I never should have made that my job… neither of us should have to leave. I jump up and run over, darting in front of her and locking the door.

"No. Mimi, you can't go."

"And why the fuck not? You've left often enough… get out of my way, Roger." She tries to push past me and I just grab hold of her shoulders, stopping her.

"Mimi, no." I give up trying to struggle against her and scoop her up into my arms, carrying her back over to the couch easily, even with her struggling. She's so tiny. "You can't go, because then I can't…" I set her down on the couch and she immediately tries to dart away again. I rest my hands on her shoulders. "No, Mimi, please. Listen." She sighs and settles back on the couch, crossing her arms over her chest and raising an eyebrow. I rake my fingers through my hair and sigh, I don't know where to start. I just know that I don't want her to leave, I don't want to go through everything again, I don't want to go back to the way I was before. I hated that.

"Mimi… I…" She just stares up at me, the tears still running down her face and I feel like shit. How could I have done that to the woman I love? I sigh and reach forward, gently wiping off her face. "I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to… I'm a dickhead, alright? I never should have said that thing about you and Benny, I do trust you, I just…" I sigh again, trying to put my thoughts it order. "It's just so hard for me to believe that this amazing kitten would be interested in me and I'm just so scared I'm going to lose you… but I guess that would be my fault… you're just so wonderful and I don't want to… I'm sorry for leaving, I can't stand…" I lean forward and lightly brush my lips over her forehead, hoping she won't slap me again.

She doesn't. She barely even reacts, she just sits there staring at me, her tears still running down her face but not near as much as before. "You apologized…? You never apologize… it doesn't work like that. You yell… and then I yell… and then you leave and then I cry and then we both yell to Mark and then eventually he convinces us to make-up but… it doesn't work like this…"

I sigh and lean forward, grasping her hands in mine. "Baby, I'm so sorry… I'm not going to leave, not anymore… I never should have done that to you in the first place. I'm never going to leave again, I was just so scared… And… I'll try so hard not to be jealous anymore. Just… please…"

Mimi sits there, staring numbly forward at me. "You apologized… I don't under…" She gives up talking and shakes her head, dropping my hands. Damnit, she isn't mad now, is she? I don't understand how to fix it if she is. Suddenly I'm aware of her arms around me and she crawls into my lap, my arms immediately settling around her. "I'm sorry too, Rog. I didn't want to fight, I just… I want you to trust me, I would never… any of that. I gave it up for you and…"

I sigh again, burying my face into her hair. "Mimi… don't apologize… it's not your fault." It's not, it's mine. And Benny's. He shouldn't have said that about… poor Mimi, actually dating that ass… if he didn't lie about that too. Which he probably did. Ass. "I'm gonna try so hard… because I don't like the thought of losing you… again."

"I know, baby, I don't like…" I feel her tilt her head and I lift mine up to look at her. "This doesn't mean we're not going to fight."

"No, of course not… we're always going to fight." Maybe that's not the best thing to say, she looks upset again. "Just… no more leaving over stupid things." She still looks upset. "No more leaving?" She looks happier now, she's nodding and… smiling… good. I feel like shit for making her cry. "I'm so sorry, baby, I didn't—"

"Shhh…" She places a finger over my lips and I quickly break off. "Don't be upset… we made up, I forgave you… things are going better, nobody's going to leave… isn't this a cause for celebrating?" Huh? She quickly shifts so she's straddling my lap and kisses me roughly. Oh, right. Brilliant Roger.

I gently run my hands up her back and smile into the kiss. I finally understand why we keep coming back to each other. What we have really is real and we do need each other.

God, I love her.

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Yeah, so Roger has feeling, uh huh… but it works. And, I promise, this chapter really isn't coming out of nowhere.

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Jonathan Larson (in this section) and… yeah, we all know that anyway.

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