Love; Breakdown Ch.3 - Harry´s POV
I know it was stupid. I don´t understand how I could do such a thing, I don´t even understand how I could make it up.
Yes, I was drunk, peppy and bored, but that´s absolutely not a good excuse.
The Doctor announced that Tom was mentally ill a few months ago, but I know he isn't, he's too strong to give in to such a sickness.
The real explanation is that he's turned inwards, huddled up inside himself.
To this day nobody has succeeded finding a way to get him out of himself again.
I really miss him, that extrovert, humorous, happy man.
He was one of the best friends I ever had.
In fact I still count him to that small amount of chosen people, even if it´s kinda hopeless talking to him now in his condition.
This morning B´Elanna and I decided that we should go to Sandrine´s and once again try to talk with him.
We figured he should be almost sober that early.
He was awake and sitting by the bar disk as usual when we got there, but he seemed sober enough.
I wished him good morning and put a hand on his shoulder. As usual he didn´t answer, as usual he didn´t react.
It´s unbelievable how skinny he is nowadays, but that isn´t so strange, he probably lives on liquor. That´s only one of the things I don´t recognize with him. And there´s a lot I don´t recognize, especially the mental way.
I know he´s there somewhere, underneath that miserable shell. The real Tom Paris.
The moment before I was about to drag B´Elanna out of there, she really suffers to see Tom like that, mostly because she thinks it´s her fault. And it really is her fault... as much as it is mine.
As I´m trying to say, the moment I was about to do that, Tom suddenly turned his head straight towards B´Elanna and said;
"How could you do this? How could you leave me?"
Then he turned to me, the usually empty eyes now burning, the flames in them didn´t look like any other sort I´ve ever seen Tom´s eyes flame with before.
It felt like his question wasn´t really directed to me, but to somebody else, to somebody invisible, somebody to us unknown.
"How could Anna leave me?"
His voice sounded raspich, I guess he haven´t used it for some time. To me, it sounded really terrible, though I was glad he at least showed some reaction. I *saw* Tom´s lips move, somehow I know he´s the one who was talking, but it definitely didn´t *sound* like him.
After those two sentences, he stared back at his half glass, nor B´Elanna or I could get through a second time.
And despite what everyone else might be saying, it wasn´t me, and it wasn´t B´Elanna who finally made Tom talk. No, that was his own decision. We just happened to be there when he did it.
Then, at lunch, I had absolutely nothing to do to keep my mind of Tom´s faith, so I spent my entire lunch searching through the Hologram Database. I wasn´t hungry anyway.
Maybe I searched it for a solution, maybe for comfort, I don´t know.
But I do know what I found, and it surely belonged to the 'solutions' genre.
My solution is an old program, added by one of the poor crewmembers who got killed first. Crewman Judd Lattis.
The program itself is very well dune, it´s a sibyl from the late 19th century.
People believed she had the power to enter another persons mind.
She didn´t possess that gift, she used incense and essential oils which made the 'customer' hallucinate and pass out for a while.
When he or she came around again, the fortune-teller 'revealed' the true cause of her customers problems. She claimed that she had entered their minds.
I´ve been thinking about it, and I think I know how to make it work.
To do so I need a Holodeck session to run that program.
I also need a telepath, Tuvok.
I need a person which mind we´ll enter, Tom.
And at last, I need volunteers, me and B´Elanna.
If I´ve calculated it correct, it´ll be like a mind meld, though it´ll be two people *inside* the memory.
That means that if it´ll work, B´Elanna and I will see and feel what happened when 'Anna left' Tom.
Tuvok will be our middleman. I´ve asked him, and he agreed to do it.
Oh, I hope it´ll work.
It´ll have to.
By Tha1n0nlYVoy_Girl 27/1 2002.
voy_girl@imatrekkie.com
Yes, I was drunk, peppy and bored, but that´s absolutely not a good excuse.
The Doctor announced that Tom was mentally ill a few months ago, but I know he isn't, he's too strong to give in to such a sickness.
The real explanation is that he's turned inwards, huddled up inside himself.
To this day nobody has succeeded finding a way to get him out of himself again.
I really miss him, that extrovert, humorous, happy man.
He was one of the best friends I ever had.
In fact I still count him to that small amount of chosen people, even if it´s kinda hopeless talking to him now in his condition.
This morning B´Elanna and I decided that we should go to Sandrine´s and once again try to talk with him.
We figured he should be almost sober that early.
He was awake and sitting by the bar disk as usual when we got there, but he seemed sober enough.
I wished him good morning and put a hand on his shoulder. As usual he didn´t answer, as usual he didn´t react.
It´s unbelievable how skinny he is nowadays, but that isn´t so strange, he probably lives on liquor. That´s only one of the things I don´t recognize with him. And there´s a lot I don´t recognize, especially the mental way.
I know he´s there somewhere, underneath that miserable shell. The real Tom Paris.
The moment before I was about to drag B´Elanna out of there, she really suffers to see Tom like that, mostly because she thinks it´s her fault. And it really is her fault... as much as it is mine.
As I´m trying to say, the moment I was about to do that, Tom suddenly turned his head straight towards B´Elanna and said;
"How could you do this? How could you leave me?"
Then he turned to me, the usually empty eyes now burning, the flames in them didn´t look like any other sort I´ve ever seen Tom´s eyes flame with before.
It felt like his question wasn´t really directed to me, but to somebody else, to somebody invisible, somebody to us unknown.
"How could Anna leave me?"
His voice sounded raspich, I guess he haven´t used it for some time. To me, it sounded really terrible, though I was glad he at least showed some reaction. I *saw* Tom´s lips move, somehow I know he´s the one who was talking, but it definitely didn´t *sound* like him.
After those two sentences, he stared back at his half glass, nor B´Elanna or I could get through a second time.
And despite what everyone else might be saying, it wasn´t me, and it wasn´t B´Elanna who finally made Tom talk. No, that was his own decision. We just happened to be there when he did it.
Then, at lunch, I had absolutely nothing to do to keep my mind of Tom´s faith, so I spent my entire lunch searching through the Hologram Database. I wasn´t hungry anyway.
Maybe I searched it for a solution, maybe for comfort, I don´t know.
But I do know what I found, and it surely belonged to the 'solutions' genre.
My solution is an old program, added by one of the poor crewmembers who got killed first. Crewman Judd Lattis.
The program itself is very well dune, it´s a sibyl from the late 19th century.
People believed she had the power to enter another persons mind.
She didn´t possess that gift, she used incense and essential oils which made the 'customer' hallucinate and pass out for a while.
When he or she came around again, the fortune-teller 'revealed' the true cause of her customers problems. She claimed that she had entered their minds.
I´ve been thinking about it, and I think I know how to make it work.
To do so I need a Holodeck session to run that program.
I also need a telepath, Tuvok.
I need a person which mind we´ll enter, Tom.
And at last, I need volunteers, me and B´Elanna.
If I´ve calculated it correct, it´ll be like a mind meld, though it´ll be two people *inside* the memory.
That means that if it´ll work, B´Elanna and I will see and feel what happened when 'Anna left' Tom.
Tuvok will be our middleman. I´ve asked him, and he agreed to do it.
Oh, I hope it´ll work.
It´ll have to.
By Tha1n0nlYVoy_Girl 27/1 2002.
voy_girl@imatrekkie.com