Sam and Frodo Get It On.
Once upon a time, Frodo decided he was gay. He loved Sam. He asked Sam if he was into men, but Sam said no, and then Frodo started compiling a plan to make Sam go gay. Unfortunately, Sam didn't want to be gay. Frodo insisted.
"But Samwise! You must be gay!"
"No, Mister Frodo! Alas, I cannot! I am as straight as a rusty nail!"
"But surely, rusty nails can be bent?"
"I don't suppose so, Master Frodo."
Sam was insistent as well. So, Frodo compiled another plan. It went as so:
"Sam! You are gay!"
"I am, Mister Frodo?"
"Yes! You are! Very much so!"
"If you say so, Master Frodo."
"Gaaagh…"
That plan obviously didn't work either. Frodo wanted Sam's arse. And quick, because he was getting impatient. But Sam liked his arse, and wanted to keep it for himself.
"SAM!!"
"Yes, Master Frodo?"
"If you would but lend me your arse…"
"I see your mind! You are a traitor! SAURON LOVER!!!"
"But how did you know??"
"I've seen you two together!! How dare you!!"
"..But I thought you weren't gay?"
"EEEEE!!!!!"
And with that, Sam ran away. He was never found again. Frodo went back to where they were camping.
"Didn't work out?" Sauron asked him.
"No. I think he feels uncomfortable with three people."
THE END… or is it?