I am well aware that the spells in this chapter are fictionalized. They are not to be construed as actual spells. This is the way I meant them to be. If you object to the content, perhaps you should be reading another genre.
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Concentrating on the one thing she had gotten from Buffy's diatribe that she hadn't already known, Dawn blurted out, "Spike, you hit her?"
As Spike fumbled with a reply suitable for the other woman in his life, Buffy stepped up to the plate. "Yes, he did. But I hit him first."
Anya spoke up. "Vampire foreplay." As everyone looked at her, she explained. "I've had a vampire boyfriend before. They like it rough. She probably got him so hot he couldn't contain himself. Besides, she's a Slayer. Not like she's fragile or anything. She said he was good. She might like it rough, too. Once in a while I..."
Xander jumped in before everyone knew more than they should about his love life. "What do you mean he can hurt you but not anyone else? I knew it, the minute he thought his chip wasn't working he went hunting, didn't he?"
Spike mumbled, "I was experimenting. Don't know that I would've killed her. It took me a while to even work myself up to it."
Buffy placed the food on the coffee table in front of Willow and Tara. "So when exactly was this? I never did hear the whole story."
"After the frozen guard. When you hit me and called me..."
"Got it. I'd say he was provoked because everything I said that entire night was...cruel. Calculated to hurt. You're not going to try it again, are you? Because chip or no chip if you try to attack anyone in my town again I'll..."
He went over to her and took her hands in his. "As long as you and Nibblet are around, I'll not hunt in Sunnyhell. Chip or no chip. My word." Then he kissed her knuckles and led her back to her chair. She sat on the arm and motioned him to sit down next to her. He did and she slid over sideways into his lap.
Tara got them back on track. "Buffy, what exactly do you mean, broken? I don't understand what you mean."
Buffy leaned back against Spike and tried to phrase things precisely. "I have a hard time with emotions. Darker emotions are a lot easier for me to feel. Rage, irritation, a savage joy when I hunt. I have disturbing dreams, not only the `trapped in my coffin dreams', but ones where I watch the deaths of people I'm supposed to love because I just can't seem to care that they're in danger. I've only been able to stand being in the same room as the four of you for a few weeks now." She knew how hurtful this was and started trembling as she was explaining. Spike ran his fingertips up and down her back, trying to soothe her.
"I've stopped seeking out ways to get myself killed. For a while, I thought that if my body was maimed enough you couldn't bring me back. I was pretty actively suicidal for a month or so. You all thought I was throwing myself back into patrolling. Spike knew I was trying to get myself killed. I tried alcohol to forget where I was. That didn't work well. The one you already know about is that Spike can hurt me without getting zapped. What you didn't know is that he stayed with me--protected me while I was trying to self-destruct." She leaned sideways against Spike, sighed, closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable storm to follow her revelation.
The first one to speak up was Dawn. "Buffy, how do you feel about me? I had nothing to do with their spell, but I am glad they did it and you're alive again. Are you mad at me?" She was fighting to control tears.
Buffy got up and went over to her sister. "Dawn, I love you. You and Giles were the first people I could painlessly interact with once I came back. Remember Willow's forget spell? Even then we knew that we were sisters and that I would protect you. The only reason I came down from that tower the night I was brought back was to save you. Now I'm glad I did, but it's taken a while to get used to the idea of living again."
Dawn stood up and hugged her sister tightly. "I'll try to make you glad you're alive again. You've been so sad since you got back that I thought you hated living with me." Buffy ran her fingers through her sister's silky hair in a favorite gesture she'd used only once since she'd returned. Dawn looked up at her and smiled through her tears, sensing that her sister was finally starting to return to herself.
Xander stood and went to Dawn and Buffy and hugged them both. "I know this doesn't help, but when there was no new Slayer called we all thought you were in Glory's hell dimension. I'm not sorry you're back, but I am sorry you hurt. And I'm extremely sorry we didn't think about getting you out of your coffin before we cast the spell. That had to be freaky--no wonder you still have nightmares about it." He released the two of them and sat back down.
Tara looked up. "We didn't know. I wou-would never have...it disturbs the natural order of things...Willow told me about Angel in hell and I never thought about there being a body...your body. I-I'm...if there's anything I can do..." She took a deep breath and began to chant.
"Regret and remorse, these things I feel
Harm I have done, let none conceal
repayment I seek, to atone for the wound
what Buffy needs most, reveal in this room."
There was a flash and a green glow surrounded each one of them. Everyone looked around, mystified. Tara smiled. "Us, she needs us. Sister, lover, friends. And Buffy, this spell doesn't work for anyone who isn't human."
Spike looked over at Tara. "Nice spell. So, if she's human why can I still hurt her without getting a chip-induced migraine?"
Tara shrugged. Anya broke in with her thoughts. "If your chip senses intent, have you ever thought that your intention was never to harm her? Maybe it was to make her listen to you. Later on, maybe it was your version of foreplay and hurting her was the last thing on your mind. Or maybe you know that since she's the slayer Buffy can take a lot more damage than normal humans and what you're doing isn't really going to hurt her."
She then switched tracks. "Buffy, I'm not sorry you're back. We were barely doing an adequate job of maintaining order while you were gone. Sunnydale needs a slayer, not a pack of backups who have worked with a slayer. We almost got killed repeatedly trying to do a job only you are suited for. I'm glad you're back and I hope you stay around for a long time. By the way, thank you for jumping into that portal and saving everyone's life. I like my life."
Buffy and Xander smiled at each other. Anya seemed to get straight to the heart of the matter. She was irritatingly blunt, loudly outspoken, and seldom wrong. "Anya, I'm glad Xander is marrying you. You can be annoying, but sometimes you say things that nobody else will say. Sometimes things that need to be said. Thank you. I am glad I'm alive. It took a lot of time for me to realize it, but I finally have. No more depressed Buffy, at least if I can help it." Anya smiled. For once people had listened to her and known she was right. She had over a thousand years of experience, why shouldn't she be right more often?
Willow still sat silently on the couch, tears welling in her eyes. Since it was confession time, Buffy wasn't ready to cut her any slack. "Anything you'd like to add, Willow?"
Willow took a deep breath and looked at her friend. "I'd do it again. I never thought you were anywhere but in a hell dimension. I didn't think to check, why would I? After we brought you back I was afraid you came back wrong, but I was going to help you get better. I'm sorry I dragged you out of heaven, but I'm glad you're back. I don't want to be in charge of the Scoobies anymore. I was afraid every night that I would get someone I love killed. I think that's why I went so crazy with the magic. I had to have some way to protect everyone. Buffy, how can you do this every night? It almost killed me, and probably destroyed any chance I have with Tara. Not to mention Dawnie hating me and everyone else looking at me like I'm something disgusting they found on their shoes." She broke into tears.
Dawn handed her a box of tissues. "I was mad at you, but I don't hate you. You helped bring my sister back to me. You stayed with me all summer. You and Tara helped with the nightmares." Willow finally sniffled herself back into control.
"So, are we going to get this show on the road?" Spike interrupted. "We still have a demon to kill and since he can hurt me or the Slayer, this will take planning." And plan they did.
When Anya and Xander finally left, it was almost midnight. "So, Nibblet, ready for bed yet?"
"Spike, I want to watch the spell. I've never gotten to see a really good one before."
"Ask your sis. And the witches. Some things are better left without an audience."
"When was your last pain pill? Do you need another one? You can stay up and watch as long as Willow and Tara don't mind. Whatever happens-no matter how scary it might seem, DON'T interrupt." Buffy remembered spells that had gone wrong in the past. Interruptions seemed to make things worse.
Tara smiled and Willow shrugged. "I don't mind, but remember to keep quiet. And remember, no spells without supervision. Remember the troll that broke Xander's arm? Interruption of a magical experiment. He was supposed to be a ball of sunshine. Oh, and I'll probably look worse before I start healing. Don't panic, it's how the spell works. Oh, and don't forget I'll be unconscious for about sixteen hours and Tara will be tapped out, magically speaking."
Tara nodded. "I'll probably sleep pretty deeply, too. So if you need me it might be hard to wake me up--that's normal so don't worry about it."
As they were setting out everything they'd need for the spell; Spike made rounds, to make sure the condo was as secure as he could make it. Willow turned off all the lights and Tara began lighting candles. "Is everyone comfortable?" Willow asked. They all settled themselves. "Oh, wait, fire alarms. The last time we tried a spell in here the fire alarm went off." Buffy grabbed a chair, went over and popped the battery out of the alarm. Once she settled again, Tara began crushing herbs into a small marble bowl. She then lit them and began chanting.
"Spirits of protection, I invoke thee.
My cause is just, my soul is unblemished.
Michael, Lord of Flame, from the South, attend
Rafael, Lord of Air, from the North, hearken
Gabriel, Lord of Water, from the West, listen
Uriel, Lord of Earth, from the East, pay heed
Hear me and aid me, I request and require.
An advocate of light beseeches thee."
She looked and Willow and said formally, "the circle is cast. I cede control to you."
Willow smiled and nodded. "I thank you, sister. Do you aid me now freely and of your own will? Accepting benefits and consequences equally as repayment for this aid?"
Tara looked at her. "So long as all you do is in service to the light," she took Willow's hands in her own. "I share my power and knowledge freely and of my own will." They kissed each other on the cheek. The three nonwitches sat staring, feeling a bit intrusive.
Willow looked over at them. "We're normally not this formal, but the spell I transcribed is very old and very somber so we thought the whole tone should be set that way. Now I meditate for a while, which should be boring for you guys, then I do the difficult spells." She closed her eyes while Tara cleaned up the herbs and wiped out the bowl.
Willow was right, the meditation part was boring. After about fifteen minutes the pain pills caught up with her and Dawn drifted into sleep. Spike carefully and quietly carried her upstairs and put her in her sleeping bag. He came back downstairs and Buffy leaned over and kissed him. "Thanks," she mouthed silently. He took her hand, still marveling that she didn't object or pull away.
Willow opened her eyes. She turned to Tara. "He's in his office. Draining someone else. I didn't know Rack was kicked out of his home dimension. He can't go back, he's not welcome anywhere."
Tara handed her a small knife. "Are you ready?" Willow nodded.
Willow raised the knife and made a shallow cut on her palm. Buffy could feel Spike's body tense as he saw the blood. She held tightly to his hand, rubbing up and down his arm with the other hand. Willow let three drops of blood fall into the bowl. Tara took the knife and cleaned it off. She then bound Willow's cut with a cloth. Willow reached for the herbs and crumbled them into the bowl. The movements of her left hand were accented in the candlelight by the white cloth wrapped around it. She then placed what looked like a rock into the bowl. Then she took a piece of string and knotted it, repeatedly. Tara lit the contents of the bowl while Willow was knotting the string. Willow began talking.
"My heart is as stone against you.
Your motives are bound beneath me.
Never more shall I pine for you.
For injuries you have done me.
Rest shall elude you,
repose shall avoid you,
composure shall evade you,
serenity shall escape you.
For the harm you have done,
to myself and to others."
She dropped the knotted string into the bowl.
"Your eyes are blind to me; your senses bound
Your powers lessened; I can't be found.
My will is stronger; ignoring your beckoning
For all the grief you've caused; I will bring reckoning."
She and Tara joined hands and spoke in unison.
"Rack is the name of the transgressor.
Rack has caused our sorrow.
Rack will be approached by none.
Until Rack has felt the edge of justice.
By our desire. So shall it be."
They released hands and Tara handed Willow the knife. "With this blade, consecrated to the light, I cut all bonds with Rack." She then made a slicing motion in the air. "No more am I bound to him, no more is he master of mine. This do I vow. Return to me all the injuries he has visited upon me. By this pain I do penance, by my suffering I am freed." She handed the knife back to Tara. As Spike and Buffy watched, they could see the bruises darken and her face turn pale with pain.
"Gracious lady, hear my plea.
One of yours has injury.
Demon spawn has done me ill,
Heal me now, it be thy will.
Goddess, protectress of the light
Raise thy hand and make it right.
My energies I freely offer,
Raise thy hand and heal thy daughter."
There was a golden light that surrounded Willow and Tara. A chilly wind raced through the closed apartment and blew out all of the candles. The light dimmed, then disappeared. Then Buffy heard the sound of two bodies thumping on the floor.
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Concentrating on the one thing she had gotten from Buffy's diatribe that she hadn't already known, Dawn blurted out, "Spike, you hit her?"
As Spike fumbled with a reply suitable for the other woman in his life, Buffy stepped up to the plate. "Yes, he did. But I hit him first."
Anya spoke up. "Vampire foreplay." As everyone looked at her, she explained. "I've had a vampire boyfriend before. They like it rough. She probably got him so hot he couldn't contain himself. Besides, she's a Slayer. Not like she's fragile or anything. She said he was good. She might like it rough, too. Once in a while I..."
Xander jumped in before everyone knew more than they should about his love life. "What do you mean he can hurt you but not anyone else? I knew it, the minute he thought his chip wasn't working he went hunting, didn't he?"
Spike mumbled, "I was experimenting. Don't know that I would've killed her. It took me a while to even work myself up to it."
Buffy placed the food on the coffee table in front of Willow and Tara. "So when exactly was this? I never did hear the whole story."
"After the frozen guard. When you hit me and called me..."
"Got it. I'd say he was provoked because everything I said that entire night was...cruel. Calculated to hurt. You're not going to try it again, are you? Because chip or no chip if you try to attack anyone in my town again I'll..."
He went over to her and took her hands in his. "As long as you and Nibblet are around, I'll not hunt in Sunnyhell. Chip or no chip. My word." Then he kissed her knuckles and led her back to her chair. She sat on the arm and motioned him to sit down next to her. He did and she slid over sideways into his lap.
Tara got them back on track. "Buffy, what exactly do you mean, broken? I don't understand what you mean."
Buffy leaned back against Spike and tried to phrase things precisely. "I have a hard time with emotions. Darker emotions are a lot easier for me to feel. Rage, irritation, a savage joy when I hunt. I have disturbing dreams, not only the `trapped in my coffin dreams', but ones where I watch the deaths of people I'm supposed to love because I just can't seem to care that they're in danger. I've only been able to stand being in the same room as the four of you for a few weeks now." She knew how hurtful this was and started trembling as she was explaining. Spike ran his fingertips up and down her back, trying to soothe her.
"I've stopped seeking out ways to get myself killed. For a while, I thought that if my body was maimed enough you couldn't bring me back. I was pretty actively suicidal for a month or so. You all thought I was throwing myself back into patrolling. Spike knew I was trying to get myself killed. I tried alcohol to forget where I was. That didn't work well. The one you already know about is that Spike can hurt me without getting zapped. What you didn't know is that he stayed with me--protected me while I was trying to self-destruct." She leaned sideways against Spike, sighed, closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable storm to follow her revelation.
The first one to speak up was Dawn. "Buffy, how do you feel about me? I had nothing to do with their spell, but I am glad they did it and you're alive again. Are you mad at me?" She was fighting to control tears.
Buffy got up and went over to her sister. "Dawn, I love you. You and Giles were the first people I could painlessly interact with once I came back. Remember Willow's forget spell? Even then we knew that we were sisters and that I would protect you. The only reason I came down from that tower the night I was brought back was to save you. Now I'm glad I did, but it's taken a while to get used to the idea of living again."
Dawn stood up and hugged her sister tightly. "I'll try to make you glad you're alive again. You've been so sad since you got back that I thought you hated living with me." Buffy ran her fingers through her sister's silky hair in a favorite gesture she'd used only once since she'd returned. Dawn looked up at her and smiled through her tears, sensing that her sister was finally starting to return to herself.
Xander stood and went to Dawn and Buffy and hugged them both. "I know this doesn't help, but when there was no new Slayer called we all thought you were in Glory's hell dimension. I'm not sorry you're back, but I am sorry you hurt. And I'm extremely sorry we didn't think about getting you out of your coffin before we cast the spell. That had to be freaky--no wonder you still have nightmares about it." He released the two of them and sat back down.
Tara looked up. "We didn't know. I wou-would never have...it disturbs the natural order of things...Willow told me about Angel in hell and I never thought about there being a body...your body. I-I'm...if there's anything I can do..." She took a deep breath and began to chant.
"Regret and remorse, these things I feel
Harm I have done, let none conceal
repayment I seek, to atone for the wound
what Buffy needs most, reveal in this room."
There was a flash and a green glow surrounded each one of them. Everyone looked around, mystified. Tara smiled. "Us, she needs us. Sister, lover, friends. And Buffy, this spell doesn't work for anyone who isn't human."
Spike looked over at Tara. "Nice spell. So, if she's human why can I still hurt her without getting a chip-induced migraine?"
Tara shrugged. Anya broke in with her thoughts. "If your chip senses intent, have you ever thought that your intention was never to harm her? Maybe it was to make her listen to you. Later on, maybe it was your version of foreplay and hurting her was the last thing on your mind. Or maybe you know that since she's the slayer Buffy can take a lot more damage than normal humans and what you're doing isn't really going to hurt her."
She then switched tracks. "Buffy, I'm not sorry you're back. We were barely doing an adequate job of maintaining order while you were gone. Sunnydale needs a slayer, not a pack of backups who have worked with a slayer. We almost got killed repeatedly trying to do a job only you are suited for. I'm glad you're back and I hope you stay around for a long time. By the way, thank you for jumping into that portal and saving everyone's life. I like my life."
Buffy and Xander smiled at each other. Anya seemed to get straight to the heart of the matter. She was irritatingly blunt, loudly outspoken, and seldom wrong. "Anya, I'm glad Xander is marrying you. You can be annoying, but sometimes you say things that nobody else will say. Sometimes things that need to be said. Thank you. I am glad I'm alive. It took a lot of time for me to realize it, but I finally have. No more depressed Buffy, at least if I can help it." Anya smiled. For once people had listened to her and known she was right. She had over a thousand years of experience, why shouldn't she be right more often?
Willow still sat silently on the couch, tears welling in her eyes. Since it was confession time, Buffy wasn't ready to cut her any slack. "Anything you'd like to add, Willow?"
Willow took a deep breath and looked at her friend. "I'd do it again. I never thought you were anywhere but in a hell dimension. I didn't think to check, why would I? After we brought you back I was afraid you came back wrong, but I was going to help you get better. I'm sorry I dragged you out of heaven, but I'm glad you're back. I don't want to be in charge of the Scoobies anymore. I was afraid every night that I would get someone I love killed. I think that's why I went so crazy with the magic. I had to have some way to protect everyone. Buffy, how can you do this every night? It almost killed me, and probably destroyed any chance I have with Tara. Not to mention Dawnie hating me and everyone else looking at me like I'm something disgusting they found on their shoes." She broke into tears.
Dawn handed her a box of tissues. "I was mad at you, but I don't hate you. You helped bring my sister back to me. You stayed with me all summer. You and Tara helped with the nightmares." Willow finally sniffled herself back into control.
"So, are we going to get this show on the road?" Spike interrupted. "We still have a demon to kill and since he can hurt me or the Slayer, this will take planning." And plan they did.
When Anya and Xander finally left, it was almost midnight. "So, Nibblet, ready for bed yet?"
"Spike, I want to watch the spell. I've never gotten to see a really good one before."
"Ask your sis. And the witches. Some things are better left without an audience."
"When was your last pain pill? Do you need another one? You can stay up and watch as long as Willow and Tara don't mind. Whatever happens-no matter how scary it might seem, DON'T interrupt." Buffy remembered spells that had gone wrong in the past. Interruptions seemed to make things worse.
Tara smiled and Willow shrugged. "I don't mind, but remember to keep quiet. And remember, no spells without supervision. Remember the troll that broke Xander's arm? Interruption of a magical experiment. He was supposed to be a ball of sunshine. Oh, and I'll probably look worse before I start healing. Don't panic, it's how the spell works. Oh, and don't forget I'll be unconscious for about sixteen hours and Tara will be tapped out, magically speaking."
Tara nodded. "I'll probably sleep pretty deeply, too. So if you need me it might be hard to wake me up--that's normal so don't worry about it."
As they were setting out everything they'd need for the spell; Spike made rounds, to make sure the condo was as secure as he could make it. Willow turned off all the lights and Tara began lighting candles. "Is everyone comfortable?" Willow asked. They all settled themselves. "Oh, wait, fire alarms. The last time we tried a spell in here the fire alarm went off." Buffy grabbed a chair, went over and popped the battery out of the alarm. Once she settled again, Tara began crushing herbs into a small marble bowl. She then lit them and began chanting.
"Spirits of protection, I invoke thee.
My cause is just, my soul is unblemished.
Michael, Lord of Flame, from the South, attend
Rafael, Lord of Air, from the North, hearken
Gabriel, Lord of Water, from the West, listen
Uriel, Lord of Earth, from the East, pay heed
Hear me and aid me, I request and require.
An advocate of light beseeches thee."
She looked and Willow and said formally, "the circle is cast. I cede control to you."
Willow smiled and nodded. "I thank you, sister. Do you aid me now freely and of your own will? Accepting benefits and consequences equally as repayment for this aid?"
Tara looked at her. "So long as all you do is in service to the light," she took Willow's hands in her own. "I share my power and knowledge freely and of my own will." They kissed each other on the cheek. The three nonwitches sat staring, feeling a bit intrusive.
Willow looked over at them. "We're normally not this formal, but the spell I transcribed is very old and very somber so we thought the whole tone should be set that way. Now I meditate for a while, which should be boring for you guys, then I do the difficult spells." She closed her eyes while Tara cleaned up the herbs and wiped out the bowl.
Willow was right, the meditation part was boring. After about fifteen minutes the pain pills caught up with her and Dawn drifted into sleep. Spike carefully and quietly carried her upstairs and put her in her sleeping bag. He came back downstairs and Buffy leaned over and kissed him. "Thanks," she mouthed silently. He took her hand, still marveling that she didn't object or pull away.
Willow opened her eyes. She turned to Tara. "He's in his office. Draining someone else. I didn't know Rack was kicked out of his home dimension. He can't go back, he's not welcome anywhere."
Tara handed her a small knife. "Are you ready?" Willow nodded.
Willow raised the knife and made a shallow cut on her palm. Buffy could feel Spike's body tense as he saw the blood. She held tightly to his hand, rubbing up and down his arm with the other hand. Willow let three drops of blood fall into the bowl. Tara took the knife and cleaned it off. She then bound Willow's cut with a cloth. Willow reached for the herbs and crumbled them into the bowl. The movements of her left hand were accented in the candlelight by the white cloth wrapped around it. She then placed what looked like a rock into the bowl. Then she took a piece of string and knotted it, repeatedly. Tara lit the contents of the bowl while Willow was knotting the string. Willow began talking.
"My heart is as stone against you.
Your motives are bound beneath me.
Never more shall I pine for you.
For injuries you have done me.
Rest shall elude you,
repose shall avoid you,
composure shall evade you,
serenity shall escape you.
For the harm you have done,
to myself and to others."
She dropped the knotted string into the bowl.
"Your eyes are blind to me; your senses bound
Your powers lessened; I can't be found.
My will is stronger; ignoring your beckoning
For all the grief you've caused; I will bring reckoning."
She and Tara joined hands and spoke in unison.
"Rack is the name of the transgressor.
Rack has caused our sorrow.
Rack will be approached by none.
Until Rack has felt the edge of justice.
By our desire. So shall it be."
They released hands and Tara handed Willow the knife. "With this blade, consecrated to the light, I cut all bonds with Rack." She then made a slicing motion in the air. "No more am I bound to him, no more is he master of mine. This do I vow. Return to me all the injuries he has visited upon me. By this pain I do penance, by my suffering I am freed." She handed the knife back to Tara. As Spike and Buffy watched, they could see the bruises darken and her face turn pale with pain.
"Gracious lady, hear my plea.
One of yours has injury.
Demon spawn has done me ill,
Heal me now, it be thy will.
Goddess, protectress of the light
Raise thy hand and make it right.
My energies I freely offer,
Raise thy hand and heal thy daughter."
There was a golden light that surrounded Willow and Tara. A chilly wind raced through the closed apartment and blew out all of the candles. The light dimmed, then disappeared. Then Buffy heard the sound of two bodies thumping on the floor.