I honestly thought they didn't get worse than Tidus. I'm not wrong often, but I had the distinct feeling that I could be this time. That Al Bhed girl, Rikku, was really beginning to try my patience. She did possess a kind of...endearing (and this is hard for me to admit, such feelings and words have not come easily to me for quite some time)...quality that accompanied the innocence and energy of youth. With the exception of Lulu, every one of my traveling companions were still wide-eyed youths, guardians and summoners or no. Were Spira not in such dire need, I might believe they were only playing at the roles that by journey's end would chafe their shoulders as surely as a yoke.
I had also thought that I'd given up regret all those years ago. I was wrong about that as well, part of a disturbing trend these days. Was I no longer the master of myself? Ever since the escape from Zanarkand, everything had begun to slip. I could not be so distant as I once was, so cold, so hard. The world was beginning to wear down my defenses and to be honest, perhaps I was tired of reconstructing them. And I swear, if I have to suffer being the subject of the title "legendary guardian" again, I might well lose my cool entirely. Was I the only one who realized that the figure they nigh worshipped was a lie as surely as Yevon...their revered "legendary guardian" a washed-up lonely old man craving nothing more than the rest denied for 10 long years?
Much as I yearned to abandon the stoic facade I'd taken up, duty was there to prevent it. Yunalesca really had doomed Auron the man to death that day...and duty had kept me alive after a fashion, as its slave. My existence stopped being my own after that encounter, and became Braska's, Jecht's, Tidus' and Yuna's. Cold comfort for a man who had already lost everything, bitter irony for one who dedicated his life to service - that in death I should be similarly condemned. Not that I wouldn't do it again, I owed my friends that much. But not even loyalty could take away the pain. And, I winced inwardly, indulging in self-pity wouldn't advance the present journey in the least.
And now, my worst fear was coming true. She was getting too close, trying to pull me from the only shelter I'd come to know since my death. Yes, somewhere, deep in my mind, I was still capable of fear...not fear of Sin, or fear of death, or fear of failure. I'd known all of those. What I feared, and it galled me to make this admission even to myself, was that someone would try to pull my long-abandoned humanity back to the surface. Even Tidus knew that boundary, and the unspoken agreement we had allowed me to abide life with him in Zanarkand with a kind of uneasy peace. It was the one thing of all I'd lost that I didn't want back...it was the one thing that would make it possible for the rest of my loss to repeat itself. It was the one thing I could not endure a second time.
I would do my duty. I would steel myself against feeling again if need be. Rikku could not, would not, succeed in unraveling me. How to make her stop without letting on that her efforts were at the very core of my present conflict? I'd thought to befriend her, find something in common and develop it. Surely if I could dictate the terms under which we interacted, I could keep her at bay until she lost interest...or so I thought. She'd seemed delighted when I agreed to help her become a better guardian, but now I was in the position of trying to predict and intercept her next move before she could corner me again. Much as I hated to admit it, her vulnerability on the Thunder Plains...her open admission of her fears was exactly what I needed to remain in control of the situation. Her turn to be on the defensive for once.
Rikku's state of mind grew worse as we traveled deeper into the Plains. Each lightning strike pushed her farther toward the edge. I watched, midly interested, to see when or if she'd snap. If she did, the girl had no future as a guardian. As it was, she was coming pretty close, crawling around mumbling to herself and finally coming to rest clinging at Tidus' leg. A particularly close strike caused the girl to shriek and voice her thoughts coherently at last.
"I wanna go home. I hate lightning! I hate thunder! Let's go rest over there, please?" She pointed to the local branch of Rin's travel agency. I suppressed the urge to shudder...That was the last place I wanted to go. Too many memories.
Sorry Rikku, I spared you once already, I'm not going to take pity on you again. You're going to have to grow up sooner or later. I chose my words more carefully of course. "This storm never stops. Better to cross quickly." I should just knock you unconscious and have done with it, even if I had to carry you the rest of the way, it would be better for everyone than this...
She didn't buy it. I know I should have said something a little more harsh, but something prevented me from playing on her fears for the sake of keeping us on the road. I'd never been a spiteful person, and I wasn't about to begin now. "I know, but...just for a little while?" She didn't wait for an answer, but started moving toward the building.
Tidus looked at me, shrugging. "Heh, well. What now?"
I sighed. The rest of the party had followed her to the building, but turned back toward me when they heard my reaction.
Rikku was adamant. She kept goading them, trying to win their sympathies and make me look ever more the villain.
"Pretty please, just a few minutes?" How many times must I say no, girl?
"I'm scared of lightning. Let's rest, please? Pretty please?" Nope. Not on my watch. I kept walking.
"I'm too young to die!" And I'm too old to put up with this...
"You're mean, cruel! Your moms would be ashamed of you!" Why did these comments seem to be addressed to me, personally?
"Are you having fun doing this to me?" Maybe, I would be, if I hadn't forgotten what fun was. No, I thought. It wouldn't have been fun, amusing maybe, but inflicting suffering on others was never fun.
I gave in...I don't know why, and I regretted it, but I gave in. "Fine, we rest. She's worse than the storm." I should have knocked you out when I had the chance...
Relief flooded the young Al Bhed's face and she rushed toward me. Dear Yevon, please don't let her hug me.
She did...She flung her arms around my waist and buried her head in my chest. Every muscle in my body must have tensed then. Her hands were nearly white, so tight was her grip on my coat. It was the most contact I'd had with another human being in years, and it was uncomfortable in the extreme. I wanted to pry her off me...but I didn't. I didn't return the gesture in the least...indeed I had to move my arms out of the way to keep from initiating any further contact with her. I don't think she cared, though.
My blackmail had worked! The gruff, uptight guardian in the flowing scarlet coat did his best to hide a look of defeat, tilting his head further down into his collar. The faintest of resigned sighs escaped his lips. Not many people had the audacity to oppose Sir Auron in anything, much less the complete lack of tact to revel so in his defeat. I couldn't help it. In that moment, my fear of the storm had overcome my fear of Auron's wrath. I had to stop and clear my mind, I just had to!
Sure, I'd heaped the pressure on him, attempted to use my fellow guardians to impact his judgment, but in the end I'd gotten what I wanted...no, I corrected myself, what I'd needed. Any longer out on the plains and I'd have lost it. Completely. And yet...I felt a pang of guilt at my actions. Deep down, I knew Auron deserved more respect than I'd shown him, but his insistence on being so damned composed and controlling made it impossible to win anything from him gracefully.
I couldn't sustain guilt for long, though. Sheer joy and relief overtook me. Before I realized what I was doing, I threw myself at him and embraced him in unabashed and heartfelt thanks. My arms closed around his waist tightly and my hands clenched over the heavy material of his red coat. He was warm and solid...he was safety incarnate. Instinctively, I buried my face in his chest, wordlessly praising whatever had compelled him to change his mind about stopping. For the few brief seconds I spent pressed against him, I forgot about the storm raging outside the inn. It dawned on me that Auron's unwavering stability wasn't all bad.
At the moment, I didn't consider that he might misinterpret my purpose. I was just so glad to be out of that damnable storm!
And then the worst thing of all happened...I came to my senses. My sanity returned and in utter horror I realized what my body had done...and in front of the entire party! I tore myself away from his form, not meeting his gaze. I was so embarassed! Pausing only long enough to smooth Auron's robe, and mumble a couple of words of thanks (with more sincerety than I'd intended) I fled to the back of the inn to find a vacant room.
Rikku detached herself from me a few seconds later. A part of me, one whose existence I must have forgotten about, mourned the end of the contact. My rational mind could not be more relieved that it was over, though I was puzzled by what must have been an instinctive reaction in the pit of my stomach.
"Thank you," she said genuinely and without waiting for a response, left to find a room. She'd appeared somewhat shaken at the end, looking a bit confused and betrayed. Rikku's features slowly changed to reflect an even more curious emotion, regret. Maybe she hadn't intended to hug me after all, perhaps her emotions had gotten the better of her. I hoped that's all it was, silently cursing her inability to control herself. And then I felt ashamed...not everyone is as practiced as you are, old man.
Dazed and a bit confused, I sat myself down in a corner, away from the others still in the lobby. I could only hope I had not allowed any of my panic to show on my face when she embraced me. It had been awkward, and uncomfortable, though not entirely unwelcome. What was this girl doing to me?
By the time I mastered myself enough to appreciate how much the bizarre encounter had tired me, there were no rooms to be had. In my present state of mind, I certainly had no desire to share with someone...To be honest, I didn't feel close enough to any of my companions to intrude upon their solitude. I see that didn't stop Tidus, though, as he went to seek out Yuna. If he was on his way to see her, she must be awake and nearly ready to return to the road.
I'm not quite sure why, but I felt a desire to apologize to Rikku for my actions. I'd been a bit harsh to her...well, more than a bit. My first trip through the Thunder Plains certainly hadn't been an easy one and Rikku was nearly a decade younger than I'd been when I made that first crossing. Yevon, I really am old, traveling with guardians half my age.
I found Rikku's room, and raised my fist to knock on the door. But I didn't, not immediately. Maybe approaching her again so soon wouldn't help matters, but then again, how could it hurt them? What urge was this that was driving me to explain myself to her? I'd never needed to do so to anyone before, and yet I felt I owed her...something. Just as I gathered up the nerve to announce my presence, the door opened to reveal a still-waking Rikku.
She rubbed her eyes. "Auron! Why are you...standing outside my door?" Rikku shot me a haven't-you-already-caused-enough-trouble-for-one-day look. I couldn't tell if it was serious or meant in jest. That look wounded me more than I wanted to admit.
"I..." Was this how she'd felt trying to make conversation at the Farplane? "I was unduly mean to you this afternoon."
She scratched her head. Did she think she'd pry the s-word from me? Or was she genuinely surprised to see me here at all? Regardless, Rikku just continued to stand there and stare at me.
Fine. I'll say it. But I'll make you regret wringing this from me. "I'm...sorry...I didn't realize that you were that afraid of lightning."
Rikku held my gaze a moment longer, and then turned her back to me, folding her arms across her chest. "I don't suppose you could have known that. But still, what you said was cruel. You'd be pretty scared of lightning if your own brother had struck you with a spell when you were little, too, you know."
"He found you annoying as well?" I had intended the question as a joke to lighten the mood a bit. It was a bad call and I regretted it before I even finished saying it.
Rikku whirled around to face me again. Her eyes narrowed and her hands clenched into fists at her sides. She must be fighting the urge to hit me. Given the circumstances, I'd have hit me. But she didn't. "He was trying to save me from the fiend that attacked me while I was swimming. Urgh! I don't even know why I'm telling you this!" By the time she finished, she was nearly shouting. Thank Yevon the others weren't around to see this.
"In any case, I'm not afraid anymore. Do you hear me, I'm not scared!" She pushed past me, and without looking back said, "The sooner we get out of this place, the better off I'll be." I repressed the urge to chuckle at her...All of this had started with my trying to tell her the exact same thing. But the young ones, you can't tell them anything. Everything they learn must be their idea, and theirs alone.
Author's note: I've changed this to show the somewhat...err...spontaneous nature of the contact and the embarassment and confusion it produced for both of them...at least I tried to. Let me know if I succeeded.