I didn't sleep an hour in the three days that had passed
since I spied on Auron in the stream. I spent the long hours of the
night lying awake, pondering the situation. Over and over, the scenario
played through my tired mind. A fitting penance I suppose, for invading
the thoughts of the legendary guardian. I could never live like that, I
don't care what he's been through, I'd go mad inside the prison of my
own mind, with only my own thoughts for company. Like a love-sick Al
Bhed girl was any better, I chided myself. Yeah, I'd finally learned to
accept it...I was falling for Auron. There was no way around it. I
hated to admit it, I didn't want to love him...it was improper in so
many ways, but I couldn't stop myself. I pleaded with the fates, prayed
to any god that would listen to release me from this horrid feeling in
my gut, to make me stop craving his attention and his company. No
relief was forthcoming. It was just me and my wretched feelings. I
cursed my heart for its
betrayal.
The third day in Macalania woods was quickly changing into night as we neared the end of the trail. The eerie beauty of this place never quite faded to the back of my mind, for no two days were ever the same. I wasn't sure whether I was glad to be this close to the temple or not, each step closer was a reminder of the inevitibility of Yunie's pilgrimage. There was no denying the end. She'd the will and the means to complete the pilgrimage and the others would see it done at any cost. Especially Auron. I could appreciate now that it must have hurt him somewhere within his being to force so young a girl, the daughter of his former master, to the same fate as Braska. Were it in his power to prevent her sacrifice and still defeat Sin, he would have given everything he still possessed to make the possibility a reality. I didn't quite agree with him on everything, but I did respect his complete dedication to the mission.
We continued on the path, which meandered up the incline of a small hill, when Auron stopped suddenly. He walked over to one of the larger crystal trees and examined it for a moment. "Wait," he said. "It's here...somewhere."
Tidus beat me to the question. "What's here?"
Cryptic as ever, Auron replied, "Something you should see."
Yuna spoke up. "But, Sir Auron..." Now, not that long ago, I'd have given good money to see her oppose him openly, but I knew better now. If Auron thought it important enough to bring up without being consulted, it must indeed be of great importance. Reluctantly, I found myself siding with him.
"It won't take long," he explained. And that was that. He unsheathed his sword and without so much as a backward glance made a few quick slices at the tree he'd been looking at. The trunk and undergrowth gave beneath the tremendous force he generated with the blade, and in no time a path was cleared off to our side. Auron rested a moment, panting slightly from his exertion and resheathed the blade. We walked into a clearing bordering on a lake.
Tidus stepped forward and glanced at the water's edge. "This place, it's just water, isn't it?"
Auron shook his head and then answered. "This is what spheres are made of. It absorbs and preserves people's memories."
As if to punctuate the older guardian's words, a large sphere emerged from the water and took on a menacing quality. It floated slowly toward the party, and Auron drew his sword once more, encouraging the others to make ready for battle. "Fiends are also attracted to these places," he offered as Lulu and Tidus formed up on either side of him.
They engaged the spherical fiend and quickly learned to anticipate its periodic changes in both strength and weakness. For his part, Auron goaded the creature into revealing its favored element by attacking the sphere until it lashed out with a spell. Lulu used the information he garnered to counter with the appropriate opposing elemental spell. Tidus, and the others who stepped in periodically, kept the swordsman and magician healed and in prime fighting condition. It was slow going, but eventually the sphere melted into oblivion and it was finally over. The fiend's departure from the mortal world drew our attention to a harmless spherical recording device sitting in the water.
Wakka carefully took the object into his hand and looked it over. "Whoa! This is old. Don't know if you can play it back."
Auron nodded. "Jecht left it here ten years ago." Everyone else, myself included, gasped in surprise. Auron motioned toward Wakka with his head. "Play it back." Wakka did so, and we gained our first look into the pilgrimage of Auron, Jecht, and Braska.
Some of what I saw honestly shocked me. The Auron captured in the sphere was in some ways only superficially different from the companion I'd known during our journey, but some aspects of him made him seem a completely different man. The devotion to his summoner was there, the fierce loyalty that drove him to protect Braska now guided Yuna on her pilgrimage. The same blade was mounted on his back in the same way he wore it at present. The same red robe covered the same shirt and pants he still wore - or at least the same style. I fervently hoped they weren't the exact same garments. The only difference was that he wore the left arm and shoulder of the robe off all the time, even when outside combat. The Auron I knew kept the robe up over his left shoulder when not in battle, and tucked the bare left arm into it as though in a sling. What had compelled this change?
Young Auron was still deadly serious and duty minded, though more outspoken in the scenes we saw in the sphere. He clearly did not like Jecht, something which I guess must have changed over the course of their journey together, judging from the way he spoke of the man now. Braska was apparently the referee, keeping the two men from coming to blows more than once in the sphere's images. Although Auron always treated Yuna with the respect due her position, he did not worship her the way he did her father. I wondered if Yuna noticed...His loyalty to Braska was deeper, perhaps a product of their closeness in age and shared experiences.
Of course,
there was no scar on the right side of young Auron's face. His eyes
were intense and lively, something I'd not seen at all in our present
companion. As I'd anticpated three days previous, young Auron was
utterly breathtaking, the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. Oh, to
be there a decade ago! The elder Auron was a man defeated, robbed of
hope, and perhaps of the innocence the man in the sphere still reveled
in. More importantly, Auron had a close friend in Braska, someone to
share his thoughts and feeling with, someone he could rely upon, and
who relied upon him. Auron had no such person today, I noted...maybe,
just maybe, I could change that. The exuberance of youth, the comfort
of close friends...exchanged in Zanarkand ten years ago for what? Cold,
impersonal knowledge, and another dose of duty...this time utterly
alone. I shivered, not envying Auron's burden at all, and feeling the
sensation in my gut flare up. I wanted to comfort him, to make him
believe
he could have those things back...if only for a little while.
The last scene in the sphere was a personal message to Tidus from his father, though we all watched it with interest. I gather Tidus didn't care...not much was capable of changing his feelings about Jecht, and given what I knew about their relationship I couldn't really blame Tidus for feeling the way he did. After the last scene played, the sphere shut itself off, and there was a brief silence.
"He sounded almost serious, but it was too late," Tidus finally remarked.
Auron took up the defense of his old fellow guardian. "He was serious. Jecht had already accepted his fate."
Tidus scratched his head. "His fate?"
Auron turned his back to the group and his voice took on a wistful quality. "Jecht...He..." The scarlet-clad guardian stopped mid-thought to compose himself. "He always talked about going home, to Zanarkand." Where's home for you, Auron? Where would you most like to be when this is over?
Auron continued, "That's why he took all those pictures - To show them to you when he returned. But as he journeyed with us and came to understand Spira, and Braska's resolve..." Auron hung his head...in shame? "It happened gradually, but Jecht changed." As have you, Auron, as have you...as have I. This journey leaves no one unscathed.
Auron looked up again. "He decided he would join Braska in his fight against Sin."
Tidus looked puzzled and a little hurt. He should have been his father's world, not a planet full of people whose culture and way of life were all but alien to both father and son. "So then, he gave up on going home?"
"That was his decision," Auron explained.
Tidus reflected on Auron's words for a moment, trying to come to grips with a vision of his father that he'd never really considered I guess. To be honest, I was somewhat shocked by Auron's description of Jecht as well. Auron took Tidus aside and the two exchanged a few more words. I was envious of the blond blitzballer, alone with Auron...without the tension that accompanied my interactions with the older man.
The group broke up to make camp while Tidus and his mentor were engaged in conversation. I quickly pitched my tent and sat down for a moment, intending only a momentary rest. I closed my eyes, and my fatigue got the better of me. Three days without an hour of sleep'll do that to you...
I was awakened by Lulu's hand on my shoulder. "It's your watch, Rikku. There's some of the stew left in the kettle by the fire if you're hungry." I wasn't, but I nodded in understanding. When she left, I yawned and rubbed my eyes before stepping out into the pitch black of full night. I must have been out three hours or more. A chill had set in, and I shivered as a breeze passed through our clearing. I paused to warm myself by the fire and then set out into the woods to find a good vantage point from which to keep my watch.
My eyes took their time adjusting to the dark...we Al Bhed are accustomed to dealing with the glare of the harsh sun on the desert sands, after all. I made my way through the forest mostly by stepping gingerly along a footpath through the undergrowth until I trusted my vision enough to guide me. At last, I came to a high point overlooking our camp, a good place to keep watch from.
But, the place was already claimed. Auron's scarlet figure was seated on a fallen log near the crest of the little hill. I hesitated. He'd told me not to approach him when he was alone...and yet, I didn't want to cede the perfect vantage point to him. Perhaps we could come to somekind of understanding and both make use of the location. Auron must have heard me approaching, and guessed who I was, because he addressed me without turning to look at me. His gloved right hand rested on the open jug at his side. Before he spoke, he raised the container to his lips and took a short sip of the liquid it contained.
"Go back to camp, Rikku."
Part of me wanted to obey, but I had a duty to the group. "I...err...didn't know you were here. Anyway, I'm on watch now, and this is the best spot to use for it." I folded my arms across my chest in defiance of him. Not that he looked.
His tone remained level, but took on a moderately threatening quality. "Then take your watch elsewhere. I was here first."
I walked around to face him from the front. He'd removed the collar in order to facilitate his drinking. No way was I going to give up and let him bully me like this. "You're awfully mean tonight."
He didn't take the bait. "I've told you before, if you see me alone, leave me that way." Auron took another sip from the jug.
I met his gaze, determined not to break contact first. "No," I said simply. He didn't respond, and merely raised the jug to his lips again. "Are you...?" I began.
"Drunk?" He chuckled. "Not yet, but perhaps before the evening is out..." He raised the jug to me in a kind of toast, but didn't drink from it.
My eyes had fully dark-adjusted and I took a closer look at him. It wasn't like Auron to indulge this close to a temple, but maybe the day's events had been too much for him after all. His dark glasses were still in place and the errant lock of hair hung in his face as always. His expression was one of bitter amusement and after a short moment, I thought I saw a tear run down his cheek on the side of his good eye. I gasped and immediately covered my mouth. Auron...crying...I thought I'd never see the day...
He must have realized I saw it, for he turned his head away from me again, and tried to rid himself of me. "Leave me in peace, Rikku. I won't ask again..." But I didn't move. "Damn it, girl! I shouldn't have to beg." His voice sounded more pleading and resigned than angry, but the message was the same. He wanted me gone, and fast. I stood my ground.
Auron fell silent, understanding that no words of his would drive me from this place. It had started as a battle over territory, but now it had evolved into another one of those challenges to figure out what exactly Auron was thinking. I wasn't going to give up, on principle. I slowly walked toward the log and sat down on his left side. He didn't protest, but nor did he acknowledge my presence.
A second tear traveled down his left cheek. Auron lifted the jug to his mouth again and drank deeply this time. When he replaced the container at his side, I hesistantly reached up toward his face. Before I could touch him, his left hand seized mine at the wrist. His grip was tight, serious. He did not want to be touched. I struggled against the vise-like grip of his larger hand, but to no avail.
"Auron...that hurts." He released me immediately. Against my better judgement, I started my hand toward him again. He didn't move to intercept it this time, though. I took hold of his glasses and slowly removed them from his face. He remained motionless. I folded the glasses and set them down beside me. I took a deep breath and raised my hand to stroke his hair. It was surprisingly soft and fine, in stark contrast to the man whose head it adorned.
"Why...do you insist on doing this to me?" It came out in a hoarse whisper. He gathered more resolve. "You're not blind, you know it makes me very uncomfortable."
What could I say to him? The truth? "I...you're lonely...I think it's a worse to be lonely, than to be made uncomfortable by a person who cares for you."
His eye narrowed and his voice became harsh. "You don't...you can't...Rikku, what you feel for me is pity, nothing more."
I was in shock. Here, I'd overcome my fear of telling him how I felt about him...after three long, agonizing days coming to grips with my feelings...and this is how he reacted. Maybe he felt as threatened by it as I had at first...no...more threantened than I could have ever hoped to feel. Auron had gone to great lengths to ensure he'd never be in a situation where he'd share an emotional attachment to another person again. My feelings and actions threatened the world he'd constructed for himself...one that had insulated him from reality for ten long years. I'd no right to blame him for his reaction...but that didn't make his words sting any less.
Tears now came unbidden from my own eyes and I tried in vain to control the sobs that wracked my body. It was useless...it was my turn to fall apart, and in front of him. I wanted to curl up and die, I wished that I had heeded his warnings and advice and departed before embarking on this ill-fated path. I withdrew my hand from his temple and covered my eyes with both hands.
Try as I might, I could not stem the flow of liquid from my own eyes. I became oblivious to Auron's presence and withdrew into myself. I felt as if the heart had been ripped from my chest, and the feeling in my stomach had transformed from one of tenderness and compassion to a ragged, pulsing wound. At that moment, I wanted all of the feelings to go away, and never return.
A hushed voice beside me whispered, "Yevon, what have I done?" in pained tones.
I felt two strong arms enfold me, one covering the back of my head, and the other around my shoulders. Auron pulled my head to his chest. One rough, callused thumb moved across my cheek and wiped away some of the tears. He began to rock slightly, whispering to me.
"Shh...please, stop crying. I...I didn't intend for it to come out that way...please..."
I tried to stop, I really did. I don't know how long I actually continued to cry, or how long he held me...but he didn't speak again. That was fine with me. I believe I expended what little energy I had left sobbing in his arms. I knew I'd feel guilty afterwards, and ashamed...but his presence was warm and comforting despite the harshness of his words. As much as I was able, I enjoyed the closeness of Auron, but mourned that it had to happen this way. Eventually, I felt myself slide toward unconsciousness, still sitting there with him.
He must have sensed it, because he adjusted his position and the placement of his arms. Auron stood up...he must be carrying me. Yes, we were moving now, and I tenatively opened one eye. We were approaching camp. He took me to one of the tents, either mine or his, and entered it with me still in his arms.
Auron tried to set me down on a bedroll, but my hands refused to release his coat. A sigh escaped his lips and he lay me down as well as he could manage, taking care to place my head softly on the pillow. He gently pried my finger from his coat and removed the garment, spreading it over my prone body. He laid down behind me, pulled the blanket up over himself, and pulled me close to him again. The last sensation I felt was that of him pressing his lips to the back of my head in a silent kiss. His arm tightened around me, and I gave myself over completely to sleep.