Chapter 8

I rested fitfully that night, too full of inner turmoil to sleep well. My only consolation was that Rikku was able to sleep soundly. I thought about leaving for my own tent after she settled down, but something indescribable kept me there, holding onto her. Yevon, I was loathe to admit it, but it was possible...maybe even likely...no, no it wasn't, I told myself. You designed it this way, Auron, you made sure you'd never need anyone again. And it needed to stay that way. For Yuna's sake, for Rikku's, and for my own, it had to. I had to stop this.

And yet...there was a forgotten, buried part of me that wanted this, more than anything. It threatened to rise up, through all of the layers of defense I'd built both against myself and the outer world. The outer wall of calm I projected had always been a bit of a lie, I knew that, but it didn't mean others had to. My existence was a constant struggle to maintain many unnatural states...the fight against the Farplane, the fight against my feelings, the fight to hold myself to promises made all those years ago. My one vanity was that I knew I could win those struggles and I was utterly unable to forgive myself if I even considered the possibility of failure. But laying there, arms wrapped around her, for those few hours nothing else mattered. The promises, the pilgrimage would be there in the morning, but I was learning to appreciate that they didn't have to be there every second of every day.

I must make a decision, and soon. My own feelings aside, I owed it to Rikku. I'd hurt her pretty badly last night, and would be paying for it for quite a while. On the one hand I wanted to slap myself for even considering carrying on a relationship with the girl. She's sixteen for Yevon's sake...where's your sense of decency, old man? She's young enough to be your daughter! It was a weak excuse. Her sixteen years had been far from sheltered - she was not the kind of coddled city girl that had followed Tidus in droves around Zanarkand. She was old enough and experienced enough to have pierced through the outer layers of my isolation.

Rikku was doing something no one had ever attempted before, much less succeeded at...she wanted to understand me and she was making alarming progress. I admit that on some level, I was flattered by the attention and longed to be able to release all that was pent up inside me, to rely on someone else for once. Rikku...she was too young, she deserved better. To fully reveal myself to her, it would destroy her and I could never live with myself if I allowed it to happen. How could I tell this to her in a way that would make her abandon her stubborn resolve...whichever words I chose, I was sure would produce just the opposite effect I was trying to achieve. I sighed. Why you, Rikku, why now? I...ten years ago...there would have been no question, no reservations...

Frustrated and restless, I carefully slipped out from under the blanket, reclaimed my arms from the sleeping Al Bhed, and exited the tent. Over the horizon, the sun's rays were just beginning to peek through the overcast sky. I'd always risen with the sun, as long as I can remember being a guardian. It wouldn't do to have a summoner waiting on his guardians, no, it should be the other way around. We were there to serve him...or her...and he deserved our full attentions and efforts.

The fire in the center of the camp still burned, and I sat down beside it to ponder my situation. A few minutes later, the rustling of material and buckles announced the arrival of Lulu. Neither of us said a word for some minutes, and Lulu grabbed a bowl and took a portion of the stew. Out of respect, she offered it to me first, but I wasn't hungry and waved it away. She took a seat across the fire and began eating.

After a while, she looked up at me, attempting to make conversation. "Going for the minimalist approach today?"

I didn't get it at first. "Huh?"

She smiled. "Your face isn't covered...and your robe..."

I'd totally forgotten to replace the collar and glasses before I'd left Rikku's tent. How could I have been so careless? Damn...I hoped Lulu wouldn't suspect the truth. "The robe I sent to bed with Rikku last night. It was cold, she was tired, and I took over the watch for her." Better to offer the answer to that question before it was asked. "As for the rest," I shrugged. "I didn't expect anyone else to be up this early."

Lulu didn't say anything more, though I caught her surreptitiously examining me through the fire, when she believed I wouldn't notice. Was my face really that intriguing? Or was I just getting paranoid in my old age?

I eventually got up from the fire when the sky began to brighten a bit more. It wouldn't be wise to allow any of the others the chance to question my appearance. I returned to Rikku's tent when I was sure no one was watching. Rikku groaned and turned onto her other side when I opened the tent flap and went in. She reached out to where I'd been during the night.

"Mmm...Auron?" she asked lazily.

I sat down beside here. "I'm here."

She peeled back the blanket, sat up and rubbed her eyes. Rikku pulled my coat out from beneath the jumble of blankets and set it around her shoulders. Carefully, she slid her right arm into the appropriate sleeve, and then after pausing to think a moment, slid her other arm into the disused left sleeve. I grinned. It was probably the first time the sleeve had been occupied in substantially more than a decade. The garment was entirely too large for the diminutive Al Bhed and gave her a comical appearance.

"I know it's too big. I'm not planning on going out like this, you know, " explained Rikku.

I laughed. "I wouldn't mind if you did, but I'd like to have it back eventually. We can't have me running around half-naked...people would suspect something."

Rikku glanced downward for a second. She pushed the too-long red sleeves up over her elbows and siezed my left hand in both of hers, clasping it tightly. "I'm glad you stayed with me last night. I...I made a fool of myself up there, didn't I?"

Was there an answer that wouldn't get me in trouble? The truth perhaps...but that wouldn't help me end the situation and there was no getting around it. I had to end it before it went any further. "No...not at all." Please believe me Rikku, please...it was I who wronged you...but I couldn't bring myself to voice the rest of the thought.

It was she who broke the ensuing silence. For two people just discovering the true nature of their feelings about each other, we sure didn't have an easy time communicating. "You know, you're really handsome when you smile. I wish you'd do it more often." Hastily, she added, "Not that you're not handsome normally, it's just...well, I really like seeing you happy."

I admired her bravery and ability to voice her feelings. In that regard she was a good deal more mature than I, but then, she'd not suffered through the long years of loss and loneliness that I had. It became clear to me that her feelings for me really were more than just an adolescent crush turned obsession. She really was in love. Yevon help her, I didn't deserve it, and I couldn't allow it. "You're just being nice to a homely old man..." I tried to soften my words with a smile.

She didn't answer my accusation immediately, but she held my gaze and her face took on a sympathetic look. "You don't really believe that, do you? I couldn't fall in love with an ugly man." Rikku's tone remained deadly serious and matter-of-fact.

It was my turn to be on the defensive. "Well, I...Let's just say that women were very attentive to me in my youth." I blushed. "You saw what I used to look like in the sphere...before..." My free hand absently reached up to my face and fingered the long, disfiguring scar. After my death at the hands of Yunalesca, I traveled the world looking for Sin, my best bet for reaching Jecht's Zanarkand. Where the people of Spira had viewed my newly-healed wound as the mark of a conquering hero and accorded me the respect due a great warrior, the inhabitants of the dream city reacted to my face with fear and revulsion. They treated me with the disdain they reserved for dangerous criminals and street toughs. Jecht's Zanarkand had never known Sin, and had no reason to venerate men who bore the marks of that terrible, eternal battle against the creature. It became necessary for me to obscure my face in order to get around in the city with any anonymity, and I didn't mind - much. The
disguise fit in well with the man I'd become in the aftermath of the end of the pilgrimage. But never, in my wildest dreams, did I believe that any woman, in either world, would look upon my face in love...with the possible exception of Zanarkand's "professional" women...and their motives were purely financial.

Rikku leaned forward briefly and gently kissed the scar where it transversed my empty right eye socket. She finished my statement. "...before Yunalesca did that to you?"

I was in shock. I pulled my left hand from her grasp and mopped away the beads of sweat forming on my brow. "How did you know about that?" I asked in a hushed whisper.

She broke eye contact again and all of her confidence left her. Rikku withdrew her trembling hands into the sleeves of my robe and crossed her covered arms over her chest, huddling into a ball. "I should have told you last night, but I never got the chance."

I motioned impatiently for her to continue and she did, "That night I saw you bathing in the stream...I don't know how, but I could sense your thoughts, and the stronger the emotions triggered by them, the more detail I was able to make out. You must have been thinking about Yunalesca, the end of your pilgrimage. I didn't go there with the intention of finding out your secrets, and I was ashamed to find out that way.

"I know you don't want for people to know those kinds of things about you...you don't want anyone to know how painful everything's been. And at first, I vowed never to let on that I knew...but that moment was also when I began to love you and I knew I could never hold this back from you, either. That's...everything..."

I stared at her in awe. I never would have been capable of such a confession. From where did she draw the strength to face me like this? I cursed myself for my stupidity. I should have known better when I chose that stream to bathe in...it probably had its source in the lake by our camp. That would explain why she had been able to sense my thoughts. And here she thought it was her fault...

I hesitated to take advantage of the opening her confession had provided. I would have gladly suffered any amount of pain in exchange for a release from what I must put her through. In the long run, we'd both be the better for it, but I wasn't feeling particularly comforted by that fact right now. What a lousy time to learn my first lesson in living for the moment.

I allowed my emotions to remain plain on my face, for her benefit. It hurt to be so raw, so open, but there was no other way. I was still the stronger of the two of us, emotionally, and it was my duty to spare her as much as possible. I took a deep breath and considered what I'd say. The long silence had already gotten to Rikku, however...

"Auron? Say something...please..."

"Rikku..." I couldn't force myself to continue. I took both of her hands in mine and sighed. Releasing her hands, I pulled her to me in a tight embrace, setting her head on my shoulder...on my blind side. I couldn't bear to look at her. "I...I can offer you nothing but pain. That's all I've got left." The last was little more than a plaintive whisper into her ear.

Defiantly, she replied, "That's not true, Auron. It's not true! Your presence is calming and comforting to me. Last night...I've never slept so well in my life. You make me feel...safe."

I didn't have anything prepared to say in response. She wasn't finished, though. Separating herself from me, she knelt in front of me, her face level with my own. Her hands threaded into my hair at the temples and closed around the back of my head. Rikku forced me to maintain eye contact with her as she concluded. "I can do the same for you. Let me bear part of the burden you've carried for so long. You need this...you want this...I felt it in you, and I feel it now."

Damn your insight, Rikku. You're making this harder than it has to be. "No, Rikku."

"Why not?" she challenged. "I never asked for you to protect me!" The words of a petulant child...no, that's not quite right...

"You musn't shout, Rikku," I chided, mostly to buy myself time. She deserved better...she'd proven herself my intellectual equal, and it wasn't right for me to treat her like a child. Out with it, old man. "I'm old, Rikku, old enough to have been your father. There are men your own age who have far more to offer you than I." Judging from the expression on her face after that, I could tell I shouldn't have played that card. She didn't care about the age difference, and everything else being equal, neither did I.

Time to try a different approach. Duty. As a guardian, she'd have to understand. "It's not just about me...our...our being together would interfere with Yuna's pilgrimage. You know I can't allow that. My first...my only duty is to her." If only you were the summoner in this group, Rikku...our relationship would have been a great asset to the party...but being who we are, it could only get in the way.

She knew I was right, and protested no further. She stiffly removed her hands from my hair and stood in a single fluid motion. Rikku fetched my collar and glasses and put them on me, wordlessly. She was in agony, and in shock. The Al Bhed slipped out of my robe, motioned for me to stand, and dressed me in complete silence. I honestly have no idea why I allowed it...maybe it was her way of coping with the pain. She belted the garment around my waist and rotated me in the direction of the tent's exit. I didn't resist...I'd already done enough harm.

"I hate you," she said quietly. "Yes, I hate you," she repeated. Suddenly, her maturity, intellect and insight were gone, and all that remained was a deeply wounded sixteen year old whose only defense was to lash out at the one who'd inflicted this upon her. I couldn't blame her for it...I'd have reacted the same way, myself. I left her tent silently, not looking back. She clearly wanted to be alone, and I obliged her. I hated myself and my damned conscience. I wanted, more than anything, to be able to go back inside the tent, offer up my apologies, and take her up on her offer. Her words had held more truth than I'd expected, or wanted to admit. Going back to her would have been easy. Each step away from her tent was a struggle.