Chapter 10

The presence continued to draw me toward itself, by way of gravity or some other undeniable force. I felt, rather than saw or heard, this presence. It was an awesome entity, commanding my attention in its entirety, yet utterly undemanding of tribute or worship. Its ardor and passion swept over me, dwarfing my being with its depth of emotion. And yet, all I experienced from it was tinged with a melancholy streak that ran into the very heart of the being. At its core, the being transversed reality and dwelt neither wholly in our world nor in any other. It was a thing in limbo, at once, terrible and exquisitely beautiful in its suffering.

I tried to jolt myself awake. I had never been a spiritual person, it wasn't within my Al Bhed blood or experience to appreciate anything other than the concrete world with its breathtaking order and underlying, complex patterns. Others sought comfort in the supernatural...Al Bhed revered the simple elegance our senses reported to us from the immediate, physical world. I must be hallucinating, I thought desperately, there could be no other explanation for my contact with this mysterious thing. Although my awareness lacked physical form, I endeavored to shake myself free of the grasp of this other in my midst. I immediately came to the realization that it must not want to be here either, and its presence in this place was being compelled by some unknown source.

If we were truly in this together, perhaps I could convince this being to aid me in escaping the influence of whatever bound us to this place, this shared demi-reality. Were my body at my command, I would have reached out a hand to the other, for somehow I knew that speech was worthless here. I made what I believed to be the equivalent gesture with whatever manifestation I possessed here. The other being didn't respond. It did not spurn me, it was simply...dormant. Curious, I willed myself closer to the being, almost in contact with it.

Were we humans, I would have been toe to toe with it, mere fractions of an inch from its body. I would have detected its breath, its scent, and perhaps even picked up faint traces of its heartbeat. But there were no such pulsing signs of life in this existence. I was forced to address my companion in total silence, without any acknowledgement of my own presence. What are you, I wondered...why am I here? What must I do to break free? There was only one way to find out...

I took the risk. I had to...this was going nowhere. I propelled myself into full contact with it. It didn't protest, it didn't betray any sign that it was aware of what I did. With no way to inquire of the being its identity, or what it knew of our shared predicament, I opened myself completely to everything it emitted, and found myself burrowing into its mind hungrily.

I recoiled in agony. Suddenly everything that poured from the other took on the aspect of pure, focused anguish. A white-hot, burning paroxysm tore through my awareness. I pleaded for relief from its tortures, but the feeling refused to fade. It pulsed and glowed, renewing the sensation that wracked every bit of my presence in this nightmare.

My companion, for its part, weathered the periodic attacks with the quiet resignation of experience. A wall of ethereal scar tissue (if we could possess tissue) built up over some horrendously long period of time did little to shield the other from the pain brought on by each wave. The pain was a storm that struck violently, ravaged us, and receded for a few brief moments of jittery calm. The intervening seconds would have been empty but for the horrid anticipation of the next episode. I wanted desperately to be free of this place...I'd pledge myself to anything to be released from this ungodly prison. No one deserved such suffering, not even the most evil of humans.

No way existed to define or determine location in this place. My attention focused on a different part of my companion, in a desperate bid to find solace from our cyclic torture. There was none to be had. Everywhere I turned, I was greeted by a different, equally dismal emotion.

Fear.

Loneliness.

Unbridled rage.

Ultimate and final failure.

The sting of innocence lost.

The death of hope.

Existential emptiness.

And one without par...Deep, resilient love and loyalty soured, fermented into bitterness and unending misery. Self-imposed torture over a scene replayed. Gut-wrenching regret over lost opportunities. This one was too much to bear, it lay sealed away beneath a staunch, desperate vow never to allow a repeat performance. Enclosed in denial, wrapped in a lie, it became the seed of a second chance. A sickly cold shadow of what life should have been...a damper on all emotion to protect the remaining shell of the being. An existence ended for its own sake, yet still animated in the service of some unknown master.

It threatened to close in on me, to consume me and rob me of my own identity. I struggled against the torrent, clawing for purchase in a place with no hands or handholds. The more I resisted, the harder it pushed back. Eventually, it would envelope me completely and I would lose myself in the sea of negative emotion. I didn't have the presence of mind to rail against my assailant, or to ask the questions that inevitably accompanied a turbulent end. I devoted all my efforts to fending off the alien walls of emotion approaching from all sides. My efforts met with diminishing degrees of success and fatigue robbed me of my energy.

I'd always been a person who tried to be rational about death. I'm not sure how I knew the danger I was in, but there was no uncertainty about the fact that my physical self would be torn asunder if my mind was overtaken. I'd most likely thrash myself to death, or impale myself on a friend's borrowed blade. I wouldn't have the patience to seek out some foe to do me in, my life would end by my own hand. It was to be the easiest release from my sealed fate. As I considered all the grisly options, I became aware that my companion had sought its relief in the same way. That choice had cruelly taken away the rest it had so desperately sought. It was not the answer. But...what else was there?

I changed my mind and feverishly went wracked my mind for any other course of action. I did the only thing I could do, when they came for me at last. I embraced the emotions, I welcomed them into my being. Their ferocity subsided a bit, seemingly at a loss. They quickly expanded to fill me, and in doing so, diffused to a livable level. The same thing happened to my companion. I came to the dismal realization that so long as I remained this way, I could never know another day of peace, but still, I was alive. I must begin constructing a set of walls to protect me from the venom I'd taken into myself. But it would only be a temporary defense. There had to be a way to neutralize all this, once and for all.

I came awake, sweat pouring down my face, laying against the cold of the glacier. Auron was still propped against me, unconscious, but now splinted and bandaged where he'd suffered broken bones and bruised ribs. His breathing was less labored than I remember and the fever seemed to have dissipated. Auron would recover given time...and time was something we didn't have. Damn you, Seymour...we couldn't ask the Temple for its aid in knitting our comrade's broken bones.

None of the other party members were nearby. A fire burned in the distance and the group's tents had been set up in a ring about the blaze. Why hadn't they moved Auron to one of the shelters? He would need all the warmth and comfort they could spare...we certainly weren't going anywhere for a while and had nowhere else to turn for help. I caressed Auron's stubbled cheek. What possible reason could they have had to leave you with me? I gently removed the fastener that bound his hair in its tail and ran my fingers through the long, luxurious tresses. You'd kill me if you knew I was doing this...How many times had that mantra gone through my head today? I smiled and wrapped my arms about his exposed neck. I pressed my face into Auron's warm hair and inhaled his scent. Stay out a bit longer, old man, let me enjoy this...it will likely be the last time I'll ever get this close to you...