Chapter 11

I lost myself in Auron's warmth and enticing scent, so much so that I never heard the footsteps of Tidus and Wakka as they approached, dragging something behind them. As the new arrivals came into view, it became obvious that the object in question was a litter, presumably to help them in moving Auron to the camp. So that's what delayed them so long...they had to construct this thing.

The sound of Tidus' voice startled me from the pleasant comfort I'd found in Auron's still unconscious form. "What are you, doing, Rikku? We're going to need some help moving that, " he gestured at Auron, grinning, "onto this thing."

Damn! They'd caught me. Tidus was smart, surely he'd see through any excuse I offered. But Wakka on the other hand, he might well believe the explanation I scrambled to come up with. "Err...I, uh, was cold, and it's not like I could go anywhere with him laying on me. So I...sat him up a bit to keep the wind off me."

It was Wakka who answered me, angrily. "Rikku! Sir Auron's not your personal blanket." I blushed a bit, but thankfully Wakka didn't see it and continued lecturing me. "He's hurt pretty bad, you shouldn't have moved him around, ya?"

I mumbled a quick and sincere, "Sorry." It honestly had not occurred to me that moving Auron might have injured him further.

Tidus and Wakka began to take Auron's weight off me, careful to coordinate their movements and disturb the swordsman as little as possible. When they finally had him laid out on the litter, the two started back to camp. "You coming, Rikku?" Wakka called out.

It really was getting chilly without Auron's body heat to shield me from the elements. The wind howled through the icy terrain and I longed to be beside that fire in the center of our encampment. Before I departed for camp, I bent down to pick up the glasses that had been knocked from their customary place on Auron's face in the battle with the Wendigo. I tucked them into a safe pouch on my belt...he'd want them back when he regained consciousness. Not that I'd be the one to return them, I thought...no, my policy of avoiding the guardian in his waking hours still stood.

I finally arrived at the campsite and sat down next to the fire to thaw my numb limbs. Silently, I vowed to outfit myself properly for cold weather the next time we came to one of Rin's shops. At least he would still do business with us, I thought bitterly...no one affiliated with Yevon would, not after Tromell's twisted version of our encounter with Seymour got out.

After I was warmed myself sufficiently to restore my fine motor skills, I took one of the wooden bowls from a canvas bag by the fire and served myself from the cauldron. There was no real meat in today's stew, just the remaining scraps of the dried traveler's fare we'd eaten cold the day before. I shrugged. It wasn't very appealing, but it would assuage my hunger...for a while. As I ate in silence, Wakka and Tidus entered the camp with their burden behind them. They dragged the litter over to Auron's empty tent and began the slow process of moving the man inside. When the task was complete, Wakka approached came over to the fire, ladled some of the stew into an empty bowl and sat beside me.

"You gotta feel sorry for Sir Auron over there, ya? He's still out from that hit he took." Wakka attempted to make conversation.

I had no desire to discuss Auron at the moment, but I couldn't force myself to be rude to Wakka, either. He was only trying to help. "Yeah, looks like he's going to be out of commission for a while." I tried not to let my tone betray the fear I felt for the object of my desire. I still loved the swordsman, even if I couldn't bring myself to face him. The last thing he needed was me inflicting my presence...and my feelings on him. Oh, Auron, why do you have to be such the perfect guardian?

"I saw Yuna go into his tent a while ago. She said something about trying to wake him up. Not good for him to spend so much time unconscious," continued the red-haired blitzballer.

I wondered if Yuna's decision to wake the guardian was prudent. Knowing Auron, it's probably what he'd prefer. The man never liked being helpless before his comrades and his summoner...but he'd relish having to rely on the summoner's healing magic even less. Was there any way Yuna could win? At least if she succeeded in waking him, we could get his input on what to do next. Auron always seemed to have a plan for every contingency...except of course, for his own incapacitation. Auron would never plan on that. I grinned.

Wakka must have taken note. "What's so funny?"

Startled, I told him the truth. "I was thinking about how Auron is bound to be upset when he regains consciousness. He's never liked admitting weakness. It's going to wound his pride terribly."

"In his condition," Wakka began, "I'd think pride would be the last thing he's worried about."

I had to admit that Wakka was right. The last thing Auron was, was shallow. "Yeah...I guess you're right. More likely he's worried about finding a way to conceal his injuries so we can press on with the pilgrimage as soon as possible." There must have been a touch too much admiration in my voice.

Wakka edged closer to me and spoke quietly. "You like Sir Auron, doncha? As more than just a friend, ya?"

Where did that come from? Insight...from Wakka? What was the world coming to? I blushed...Maybe my feelings really were that apparent. I remembered my father saying something about a person in love always being the last to find out. "I...know it's strange...but, yeah. Please, Wakka, promise not to tell anyone else." I restrained the urge the grab him by the shoulders and shake ascent from him.

Wakka grinned broadly and pointed to his chest. "Your secret's safe with me. It's not all that strange...Who can explain why we fall in love with the people we do?" He glanced briefly toward Lulu's tent.

I decided not to comment on the implied meaning of his words. Wakka waxing philosophical was enough to ponder already. At least he didn't think me foolish or immature in my feelings for the older swordsman. If only I could convince Auron to see things that way...He didn't refuse you because of that, I told myself, at least that's not the reason he gave. Auron wouldn't lie about something like that...there wasn't a true mean streak in the man...he was just willing to do almost anything his duty required of him...and that meant never indulging in love.

After a thoughtful pause I said, "Thanks Wakka, for understanding."

Getting up from his seat, he replied, "Anytime," and walked away.

Left to my own devices, I recalled the strange "dream" encounter I'd experienced earlier today. The being I'd been aware of seemed perpetually trapped within its own pain and suffering. I wanted, more than anything, to know just who, or what that had been. Now that there was no threat to my own life, there was only a profound pity for that being within me...even though the pain I took from it had not yet subsided. I doubted that it ever would. The emotions had been so potent...so pervasive...and yet, eerily familiar.

And then it hit me...No! I wanted to scream...it must be wrong. It couldn't be...not...but it was. Auron...the being had been Auron. I was in shock! That...all those emotions...no, I thought, Auron didn't allow himself any emotion. Or did he? In the supposed privacy of his own mind. He was still human after all, still capable of the full range of human feeling. But, the vast majority of what I'd experienced was negative, bitter emotion. Auron projected the absence of all emotion...maybe he was lying to himself...maybe it was the only way a person could deal with suffering of that magnitude.

I fought the urge to cry. No wonder why the man pushed me away from him...I relived our discussion in the tent by the tiny lake in Macalania Forest. Despite my snide remark to the swordsman, he really had tried to shield me from the bitter truth of his existence. And perhaps...just maybe, something within him could have been afraid that I'd stop loving him if I knew the truth. But now, I did know the truth...and my feelings for the man had not changed...if anything, they'd deepened.

And yet...there was no way I could approach Auron with this revelation. He would never hear me out, his anger at my invasion of his mind would prevent him from realizing what had just occurred to me. He'd have a right to be angry, though. The only thing Auron had ever asked of me was to respect his space and his privacy. Each time, I promised him I'd do so, and even intended to keep my word. But when the chips were down, when the opportunity presented itself, I just couldn't keep away. My own insatiable curiousity was largely to blame for the situation I found myself in right now.

Yuna finally emerged from Auron's tent, her exhaustion plain on her face. She walked straight to the fire, where I still sat, and laid one hand on my shoulder. "Sir Auron's awake. He's asked to see you."

I looked up at her, tears welling in my eyes. "Well, I don't want to see him," I said resolutely.

"I don't think he would have asked if it wasn't important to him. Sir Auron usually doesn't ask for frivolous things, " she paused a moment to allow me to appreciate the gravity of her words. "I think it would be best if you honored his request."

Slowly, I stood and locked gazes with my cousin. "Yunie...I just can't...okay? Please don't push me."

Yuna nodded. "I can't...and won't force you to. But I respect Sir Auron's judgement, and I would appreciate it if my guardians did as well."

That sealed it. Suddenly, she was a summoner and I ceased being her cousin. I was no different than any of her other guardians. And if a summoner asked a guardian to do something...well it wouldn't be proper for the guardian to refuse unless the summoner's life hung in the balance. It clearly didn't in this moment. Defeated, I walked toward the entrance to Auron's tent.

Yuna's hushed voice came from behind me. "Thank you, Rikku, I know it will please Sir Auron that you decided to go see him." I suppressed the urge to giggle. Nothing, it seemed, pleased Sir Auron these days. Argh! Now she's got me calling him by his title. "Sir Auron" might be okay for Yuna, but Auron the human being was the man I was interested in.

I drew back the tent flap slowly and peeked my head into the shelter. Auron was laying in the center, his body covered by as many spare blankets as the party could find. Only his pale face shown above the edge of the blankets, his head propped up on top of his folded scarlet robe. His hair was disheveled and his face haggard, but it was good to see him awake and aware again. The moment he saw me, his eye fixed on me, and there was no going back.

I entered the tent completely, and stood at the foot of his body. For an instant, no one said anything, and neither of us broke eye contact. Why did I always have so much trouble finding the appropriate thing to say to him? Was it always this way with the one you love?

"Please, sit down," Auron said, voice devoid of all character.

I did as he bade me, taking a seat on his left side, so that he would not have to move his head too much to see me. I could not think of a proper opening, and I really had no desire to be here. "What is it you wanted?" I asked pointedly.

Auron remained calm, as always. "I'm asking the questions here," the swordsman said, but tempered the statement with a slight smile. I marveled at his ability to express amusement, given what he'd been through that day.

I only nodded in response.

"You're not happy to be here, I see." Gee, old man, is it really that obvious? Get to the point and have done with it, already!

Try as I might, I was utterly unable to imitate the older man's composure. "You brought me here for a reason, I assume?" the full force of my impatience was apparent in the question.

The last traces of Auron's smile faded. "Yes, I did. But I had hoped we could be at least...civil...to each other."

His observation filled me with guilt. He did deserve better than the way I was treating him. "I...I can manage that, Auron."

He nodded slightly. "Excellent. Now, I must know, what did you do to me while I was unconscious?"

I was taken aback. He must have detected at least some of what transpired after I fed him the sphere-lake water. "I came to your side, and gave you a healing potion," I looked down. "It didn't help too much."

Auron reflected for a moment. "No, that's not it. There was something else."

I shook my head. No way was I going to tell him. "I'm sorry, Auron. I...can't tell you."

A look of anger flashed across his features. No one refused to answer Auron's questions. Yuna was the only one who had ever gotten away with it, and only then because she had the advantage of being a summoner. There was no such escape for me. But, I stood my ground, a wry grin pulling at my lips. "What's the matter? Don't like it when someone pulls an Auron on you?"

Auron wasn't amused. "That's different," he hissed. "What I do, I do for a reason. You're just trying to be contrary," he nearly spit at me. There was no mercy in his voice, no hint of the man I'd fallen in love with. Auron transformed into a dangerous, almost predatory creature. He glared at me menacingly.

Instictively, I thrust my hands in front of me in a defensive gesture. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it like that...it's just, I didn't want you to be angry with me," I said.

"I have to know to truth, Rikku. I feel...different since the battle and I'm not quite sure how. Yuna said you spent the most time with me after I fell, so surely you must know something about what occurred while I was unconscious." Auron's voice remained calm and steady...almost encouraging this time. I could appreciate that he wanted an explanation for what had happened, but I wasn't sure I could bring myself to give it.

I took a deep breath. Auron would end up getting the truth out of me, somehow. It was better to make this easier on both of us, especially since his energy was still limited. "Before we left that lake near the end of Macalania Forest, I filled my canteen with some of the water. Later, after you took that blow for Yuna, I tried every thing I knew, used my strongest potion on you, but nothing helped. I drank some of the water from my canteen and fed a small amount to you." I paused to catch my breath. "I...don't know what I was thinking when I did it, but if it hurt you, I'm sorry." I buried my head in my hands, willing myself not to cry. How could I have been so stupid? I could have done tremendous damage to him.

"Rikku, do you know what that water does?" Auron asked.

"I...when I used it on you, I really had no idea. I just wanted to help so badly! I couldn't bear to see you like that, " Tears began to make their way down my face.

Auron remained patient, although his face appeared strained. He was holding himself back from taking somekind of action. "Remember in the forest, when I told you that water is the substance that spheres are made of? That it captures and preserves people's thoughts?"

I nodded, beginning to see where he was headed.

Auron continued, "That same water ran through the stream where you saw me bathing. My exposure to it and your proximity to me is what allowed you to see my thoughts that night. Drinking it achieves the same effect, only much more strongly."

"I wouldn't have used it, if I had known..."

"Don't worry about that," Auron said reassuringly. Again the signs of internal struggle marred the handsome features. "I'm much more interested in what you saw." His left arm reached out from underneath the layers of blanket, forearm splinted, and offered me his hand. I took it in both of mine, tears spilling onto Auron's still-pale skin.

I realized that whatever Auron truly felt, he was keeping hidden. His words were calculated to get the information he sought.

"It's...hard to describe, Auron. I didn't even know it was you, at first. But I was assailed by a plague of emotions, most notably overwhelming pain and sorrow. I had...no idea that's what you felt...that you had to live with those kind of feelings..." I choked on my sobs and Auron squeezed my hand. "The way you always acted around everyone else...I never would have suspected...I..."

"You believed me immune to emotion?" Auron finished my statement smoothly. I nodded.

I smiled nervously. "You're a very good actor."

"It's not always that bad, you know. I...spiral out of control...under certain circumstances..." Auron looked truly horrified by the possibility. Loss of control was something he sought to avoid at all costs. "It's always there, though. It seems...somehow less since I've awoken...and that's what concerns me."

"It...began to close in on me, I was afraid of what I would do to myself if it overtook me. So, I...I...took some of it into myself before it could all take hold of me." I really hadn't wanted to tell him about that. At its mention, the pain I'd taken from him flared to life inside me, almost doubling me over. It would take me a long time to get used to its constant presence. How did Auron put up with this? Before my interference, it had been even worse for him...

Auron slowly took his hand from my grasp, and wrapped it around my wrist, pulling me gently toward where he lay. I followed, hesitant to accept his invitation. Was he reconsidering the decision he'd made in the forest? The feeling inside me grew to an almost unbearable level and my body began to shake. Tears streamed from my eyes as Auron wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me down to him. I took care not to put any pressure on his broken forearm as I set my head by his.

Auron must have known what was happening to me. He pulled the blankets over me and brought my body into contact with the full length of his own. Though it must have hurt him, he rolled onto his side and wrapped his right arm around me as well. We were face to face, and I could make out pity and amazement in the depth of his russet eye.

"Rikku..." he whispered. "I had hoped to spare you this..."

He pressed his lips briefly to my cheek, following the track of my tears. "Why couldn't you stay away..."

I spasmed as another wave of the pain shot through me. Auron's embrace tightened and he whispered reassuringly into my ear. One hand left its position around my torso to smooth my hair.

I didn't really have an answer to his question. "I'm sorry, Auron. I know I should have...but I'm not as good at controlling my feelings as you are."

Auron smiled faintly and kissed my forehead. "Don't ever become good at it, Rikku. It doesn't suit you. I...just can't believe you did this."

Tears came anew to my eyes and I couldn't stop myself from saying what came out of my mouth next. "It was going to destroy you...I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen to you...I wasn't lying in Macalania Forest when I told you that you needed a release."

Auron didn't respond. He hadn't expected me to know him so completely. He seemed almost to freeze, even his eye took on a distant, hazy look. What's wrong with you, Auron? Scant days ago you told me we could never allow this to happen, and yet...here we are...What of your words about guarding Yuna? Have her needs changed this much or are you still weak from your injuries? Don't tempt me, Auron...you know I can't...I won't resist. I'm sorry, my love, but you must be the strong one. Keep this from happening...you'll regret it if you don't...

He must have been thinking the same thing. No words were exchanged between us for a long time, and there were no more affectionate gestures from him. Auron still lay mere fractions of an inch away from me, his intentions completely opaque. What are you thinking, Auron? What do you feel for me in this moment of temptation? There's an easy way to find out, Rikku, I told myself. Try to leave, if he asks you to stay, do so, but if he doesn't...well, you have your answer.

"I...I should get going," I said weakly.

No answer was forthcoming from the guardian, and I tried to work my way out of his arms and bed as carefully as possible. The only acknowledgement of my actions was the gasp he emitted when my leg brushed against his tender ribs. When I was free of his tent, my legs carried me back to my own as fast as they could. I collapsed on my own bedroll, pulled the cover over my body, and cried myself to sleep.