Chapter 12

I watched, helpless as Rikku left the tent. She always had a habit of leaving, or pointing the conversation in a new direction just as I prepared to say what I truly meant. Was she conscious of this behavior or did fate heap yet another cruel joke upon me? I wished fervently that I could pull myself out of this bed and follow her, but my broken limbs prevented it.

This wasn't going well, at all. Rikku must have thought I was stringing her along, with little regard for her feelings. Yevon knew...I...I wanted her...I wanted to be with her...and that frightened me beyond any single thing I'd experienced in the last decade. Her sheer force of will, the determination with which she approached ferreting out every detail about me...I shuddered. Her efforts always met with success. I never anticipated that the first person who would pose a threat to the decade-old order of my life would be spunky, diminutive, 16-year-old Al Bhed. Her passion for life was almost...infectious. She made alien sensations stir within me and the more time I spent around her, the more the urge grew to explore them.

That desire created a conflict. I had a duty, well, two duties to do, really. Without those promises I'd made to my friends in the last days of their lives, I'd be little more than a Farplane phantom right now. Never before had I questioned that the best way to honor their sacrifices was to carry out their wishes with every fiber of my being. They deserved it...but maybe...perhaps...No, don't be silly, old man. Your life ended ten years ago. You've no right to anything for yourself now. For a man dead ten years, I certainly bore a striking resemblence to a living being. A resentful smirk spread across my face. I'd be willing to bet that not a single one of my companions yet knew the full truth about me...although it was only a matter of time before Rikku dredged that bit of information from me. What would she have to drug me with next time, and just what else would she pick up while she rifled through my thoughts?

When had I become so bitter? During my life, I'd taken pride in my duty, wanted nothing more to serve Lord Braska in the best way I knew how. But...Zanarkand, Yunalesca...my...no, Braska's moment of triumph had been turned into a pale mockery of what it should have been. Braska, of course, ever understanding, ever compassionate, ever selfless Braska...you must have been the closest thing Spira's ever seen to a perfect man, my Lord. You hadn't seen it that way. Nothing more than a mere change of plan for you, you never gave up hope. But I...young and foolish...I forsook Yunalesca's brand of hope, believing in my own blind faith and optimism. In the end, even my optimism couldn't stand before the grief your and Jecht's deaths aroused in me. And I blamed Yunalesca, though I now know that the death wish was my own and she merely the tool of its execution. With that mistake in Zanarkand all those years ago, I forfeited my life, and with it, any right to happiness for myself.

I couldn't accept that. That line of reasoning had been enough when there was no temptation, no possibility of salvation. I could not desire what I did not believe possible. I did not dare. I was content to exist within the boundaries of my undeath. An unwritten contract bound me...fulfill the promises - earn release. It was an honorable and respectable deal, a kind of second chance for a man who mistakes never merited such. There was no room for variables like love or Rikku. Amend your deal then, old man, negotiate a better agreement. And just who do I approach about that? I couldn't help smiling.

Seriously, though, I had to do something. Rikku was inexorably tied to me now. Her little stunt with the water had claimed a piece of me, excised it from my being, and taken it into herself. She probably hadn't intended for that to happen, but intent was irrelevant at this stage. All that remained was dealing with the fallout. Rikku was bound to know by now that her actions, that transferring a portion of my venom to herself could not nullify it. She would suffer greatly. I'd tried to explain it to her, I tried to get her to understand, but she either couldn't or wouldn't. Yevon, I'd tried to protect her every way I knew how.

I suppose I could take her into my confidence, extend my own defenses around her and rely on her to exercise wisdom in how she chose to react to my actions...and my vulnerable personality. How then, could I do that, and keep my feelings for the Al Bhed under control? By definition, exposure that complete would show her everything, and I couldn't trust myself to keep clear of the relationship she so clearly and desperately wanted from me. I could shield and comfort her (as I'd done tonight), help her bear the burden she took from me, but would Rikku see be able to tell the difference between a shoulder to cry on and a lover? If I chose this route, I'd have no choice but to trust she did. Trust, exposure, closeness...things I'd never wanted to experience again...things I would have no choice but to experience if I was half the person I'd ever considered myself. Ultimately, her plight was my responsibility, and watching out for her took precedence over my own feelings and
preferences, though it must of necessity defer to my exisiting duties. Such a precarious situation...

I resolved to test the waters next time I spoke to her...drop what hints I'd be able to and see if Rikku followed my logic. Please...let my run of bad luck in conversations with her end...

Sleep, old man, you've taxed yourself enough for one day.

Curse you, Auron, and your ambivalence! After what I did for you...how could you continue to refuse me? You...you've never lied to me before, you wouldn't now, would you?

I couldn't clear my mind of Auron. Sheer fatigue had been the only factor ensuring that I slept last night. Thankfully, I was spared any dreams. Somehow, I knew they would have been about him. They were always about him...and they were always the same. There were no barriers to our being with each other...Auron had no reservations. Happiness was within our reach, though I always seemed to wake suddenly when I got comfortable and romantic with Auron. A strange sort of symbolism I suppose...dreams weren't supposed to reflect the world that closely...although I would gladly trade the real Auron for the less inhibited one conjured by my unconscious mind.

I woke early the next day, long before dawn. Somewhere out beyond the perimter of the camp, I knew Kimarhi kept watch, but he wouldn't disturb me. I dressed, threw my blanket about my shoulders, and headed out into the morning cold. Leaving the warm enclosure of my tent was difficult, but I had no desire to remain there with my thoughts. Perhaps some fresh, if bone-chillingly cold, air would help me get my mind off the accursed scarlet swordsman. Maybe, I could just stop thinking altogether and take a bit of time to enjoy the scenery. After all, I wasn't likely to return to this place anytime soon.

The icy landscape took on the inky blackness of the predawn dark. A tamer version of our fire from the previous night still burned in the center of camp, casting flickering shadows across the ice within the ring of tents. The moisture of my breath froze almost before it departed my mouth and I exhaled quickly to warm my lips. Thankfully, there was no breeze to steal further heat from my body. The blanket I'd wrapped around my huddled form barely allowed me to maintain a decent body temperature.

I paid no attention to where my feet took me, endeavoring only to keep myself in motion. The chill would force me back indoors soon, but I couldn't bear to return to my tent alone. Yet...whose company could I seek out? Yunie would probably not object to my joining her, although my fellow guardians would chide me for waking her up. I wasn't on close enough to Wakka, Tidus or Lulu to justify bothering them at this hour. Kimahri, though already awake, wouldn't offer much in the way of companionship. What I really needed was someone to talk to...ideally, Auron. Conversations with him had a way of souring rather quickly, though - and I was no masochist. I doubted the wounded man would much relish being woken by me anyway.

As if to mock me, my feet had deposited me squarely in front of the swordsman's tent. I could still turn back, I thought. I started to turn on my heel, when a hushed voice issued from the entrance of the tent.

"You could at least say, 'good morning' " Damn it, Auron! Don't you ever sleep?

I cautiously entered the tent. "I wasn't going to disturb you this early. I was just...restless."

"It's just as well...there are some things we need to discuss." Despite having rested, Auron still seemed tired.

I shook my head. "Everytime we talk, Auron, it ends badly." I reached into my belt pouch and withdrew his sunglasses. "In any case, I forgot to give these back to you last night." I unfolded them and he allowed me to replace them on his face.

To my surprise, he removed them again as soon as I withdrew my hand. Auron smiled slightly. "I won't be needing those until later." It was a good sign, that he at least trusted me enough to feel he no longer needed to hide his face in my presence.

I returned his smile and sat down beside him, just beyond his reach. If he wanted to talk, I reluctantly admitted, it would be best to do so with limited physical contact. I could maintain better control over myself that way, and perhaps we could both say the things we felt needed to be said. I wasn't sure about him, but I didn't know how well I'd weather another encounter like last night's.

For the longest time, neither of us said anything, though we maintained eye contact. Auron's eye betrayed no hint of the conflict that had been so apparent in his gaze, and on his face last night. He seemed more at peace, as though he'd finally found the solution to an important problem...probably one invoving me. Still, if his look wasn't pained, perhaps what he had to say wouldn't be all bad. I'd long ago given up on receiving any overwhelmingly positive news from Auron. Everything about him radiated calm and strength...and unwavering neutrality...almost as if he were afraid to give himself over to either extreme of emotion in front of another person.

I decided to break the silence with a bit of encouragement. "You look confident today..." I'm dying to know why...

Auron took the bait. "I've been doing some thinking about everything that happened yesterday."

Apparently you aren't too eager to communicate the results, though...Must I coax everything from you, Auron? "And...?"

His smile disappeared. "We need to find a way we can relate to each other. I know you've been avoiding me, and that's not the answer...especially after...what you did yesterday." He paused, frowning. Something must have come out wrong. "I don't mean that it's your fault...you had no way of knowing what you were doing..."

I finished his statement for him. "Although that doesn't take away the consequences? How seriously does it change things, Auron?" I hoped he didn't think I was playing stupid.

Auron looked thoughtful. "To be honest, it brought you a lot closer to me than I'm comfortable with. There's no easy way to undo it. That's why it's necessary for us to come to a...compromise." Auron's face became drawn and almost regretful. Clearly whatever compromise he was preparing to offer was still going to cost him something he was loathe to give up.

Auron continued, "You know things about me that I never wanted anyone else to know. " I suddenly felt ashamed at my relentless pursuit of his secrets. "It's not easy for me to adjust to that, you know."

I nodded, desperately searching for words to put to the feelings of regret that coursed through me. I failed, taking an easier way out. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked quietly.

He didn't answer immediately, taking a deep breath instead. "I suppose it was mostly for my own benefit. I've gone a long time without having to explain myself to anyone else. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury anymore."

I couldn't help but feel directly and solely responsible for his situation. If not for my interference, Auron could have gone on with his mission without having to give away much about himself. Could nothing positive come of my involvement with him?

"I'm sorry, Auron...I'd take back my actions if I could." I was on the verge of tears, but fought them back. Now wasn't the time.

Auron shook his head slowly and his mouth assumed a knowing smile. "You don't know how many times I've told myself that..."

I realized with some relief that he wasn't talking about me. That distant look in his eye heralded back to a much older event. I didn't like the way this was going. Neither of us wanted to say the difficult things, but we'd danced around the topic long enough. "Auron, this compromise...? What must I do?"

Auron took on a tone of authority, and I honestly couldn't blame him. It had been his thoughts I invaded, his world changed by my actions. "You must promise never to tell anyone what you know of me. It...it's hard enough dealing with the fact that you've found out so much so fast...and I need to find a way to keep this under control."

I nodded vigorously. "Of course, Auron. I never intended to give away any of your secrets."

His relief was visible on his face. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "What you did yesterday binds us together pretty tightly. Without knowing it you actually took a piece of me into your possession." Auron wasn't thrilled about the idea.

"I don't suppose there's a way to undo it?" I asked, though deep in the back of my mind, I already knew the answer.

"No there's not," he said, irritation apparent in his voice. "We'll just have to live with the consequences." Auron's words were suddenly as cold as the air outside the tent.

I'm not sure what drove me to voice what I said next, and I immediately regretted it. "Maybe now, you'll change your mind about us being...together?"

"No. You have to understand that will never happen, Rikku." There was no room for compromise in that regard. "I thought we had established that."

I was crushed. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I got to my feet and walked to the entrance of the tent, pulling open the flap slightly. Faint light began to filter in from the outside.

"Rikku! Don't go, I'm not finished yet." It was a command, not a request.

"Well, I am." I took another step. Thank goodness Auron wasn't able to get out of bed without help.

"Please hear me out." His tone was steady, but less commanding.

I glanced back at him, "Give me one good reason why I should."

"The longer we're at odds with each other, the more Yuna's pilgrimage suffers. Even if you don't want to make peace with me for your sake or mine, do it for hers." Count on Auron to invoke Yuna and the pilgrimage when things got difficult. He was correct, though, much as I hated to admit it. "Our duties as guardians always take precedence."

I closed the tent flap and took my seat again. "Fine, I'll do it for Yuna."

Auron nodded as if there had never been a doubt in his mind. How is it you can always manage to get your way, old man? "It is absolutely essential that you find a way to keep your feelings for me under control. I'm not asking you to become me, but you must learn not to let your emotions take over. I'm not abandoning you, Rikku, but you must learn to respect the boundaries. There is no other way."

"You're asking too much of me."

"Then you cannot do your duty as a guardian. I will ask Yuna to dismiss you from her service when I see her next." Auron betrayed no hint of emotion.

I gasped. No way! You wouldn't dare...would you, you heartless bastard?

"Don't think I won't do it," he continued smoothly. "Yuna's interests always come first."

He had me trapped. How could I not have seen this coming? Had I really been naive enough to think I could have changed something so fundamental about Auron as his obsession with duty? Hurtful though his words were, he was absolutely correct about me. Even now, he was simply telling me the truth of what I had to do, and I couldn't keep myself from breaking down in front of him. I couldn't hold back my tears. I was...immature and selfish. Yuna needed to be first and foremost in my mind...and she hadn't been in a long time. I had allowed Auron to usurp her rightful place. I was a failure as a guardian.

Auron must have known what went through my head. He tempered his voice somewhat. "Are you willing to try keeping yourself under control, and your mind on your duty, then?"

"I...I will give it my best effort," I finally managed to say, choking back my sobs.

As soon as I gave my word, all the harshness left his face and voice. Yuna was indeed fortunate to have this man as the leader of her guardians, I thought. He would let nothing interfere with her pilgrimage. Not even his own humanity.

"I'm glad to hear that," he said. "The group wouldn't have been the same without you." He really seemed to mean it. "I...didn't want to do that, you know. I don't like hurting you. But..."

"No, I understand, you were correct. Yuna must be our primary concern." The words still sounded odd coming from me. Maybe Auron wasn't so inhuman after all...just possessed of incredible strength of will.

"It gets easier as time goes by...and you aren't alone, by any means. If you ever need anything from me, Rikku, anything, don't be afraid to seek me out. I'll always be there for you," Auron's offer shocked me. This was the last thing I'd expected from him. For all he insisted I knew about him, the man certainly had little trouble surprising me on a regular basis.

Auron smiled warmly. "I don't make that offer to just anyone, Rikku. You mean a lot to me. You've given me something I didn't want to admit I needed." He pulled himself to a sitting position with some effort, and a good deal of pain. He motioned for me to come nearer.

Auron's words dissolved most of the tension between us, though I couldn't help but feel a little bit sad over the fact that I'd never be able to have from him what I wanted most. Still, he'd been forced to adjust to a very uncomfortable situation, his worst fear had come true. If he could learn to live with that, maybe I could find it within myself to accept that I couldn't have everything I wanted, either.

I crawled over to Auron's position and felt his splinted arms enfold me gingerly. He placed his head on my shoulder and closed his eye. Though lacking in romance, I was glad to share the embrace as his close friend and confidante. It had been a long time since he'd had either.

Sometime later, he whispered in my ear, "Don't let the others know I've gotten this soft in my old age. I have a reputation, you know."